A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby?

Hmmm

2012-01-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

I know it's awful... I went off and had another baby and then decided to just clam up. In all honesty I keep coming up with great things to write, but writing with Peanut in my arms is a challenge. She likes to cuddle. She's doing well - though we (meaning her and I) have thrush which means we're both on medicine which sucks. I had pneumonia to ring in the new year with and that meant I ended up on antibiotics which in turn meant Peanut ended up with thrush. Ick ick ick. No fun for all parties involved. She is growing like a little weed.

Squeaker on the other hand is a ball of energy. He still is in love with her and says "Peanut loves me" all dramatically. He also wants to hold her all the time. One day I had her in the exersaucer and he was watching a movie... I was in the kitchen. When I came out of the kitchen no Peanut in the exersaucer... she was in his arms in the chair. When asked how this happened he said "I picked her up." and I told him that he isn't supposed to do that. His response - "She not crying" with a shrug of the shoulders. We then got into a debate about his little sister not narcing on him and that if Nana catches him his tail feathers will be on fire.

Christmas was great fun around here - in Squeaker's words "holy smokes" when he walked out Christmas morning... however with the holidays also comes the in laws... and with the in laws comes Squeaker acting like a royal pita. Nana finally got to see it in action. Part of it is because he doesn't see them that often, but it also is them... they don't say no. There is no discipline from them so Squeaker thinks he can run roughshod all over them and he does. It's like my sweet son becomes a caveman when they're here. D says it's because they encourage it and truthfully they do... I have yet to figure out how to tackle this problem with them. It's frustrating for everyone and it doesn't help Squeaker. They want to be "THE GRANDPARENTS!!!!!" not just Papa and Grandma. They went over the top for presents for him - yet Nana got him clothes and every time he opened a present from Nana he said "A sweatshirt! Thank you Nana!" I just don't think they get it... and I don't know how to help them to. :S

Life is good... I'll try to post more. I promise. Below are two pictures - one of Squeaker in all his suspender glory - which a friend gave him a tool kit which included real tools, suspenders, and a hard hat. D says her daughter will be getting a drum set marked for 7-12 year olds. Also Peanut is pictured saying hi guys!

Squeaker and a Peanut

2011-11-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

Wow has time flown by or what? It seems like yesterday was the day Peanut came into our world, however it has been 16 weeks.

Squeaker is still in love with her, but he is finally getting a bit gentler with her. She's going to grow up to be a tough girl I'm sure with all the LOVE her brother gives her. She's a fairly happy baby which makes things easier for everyone. She eats better than her brother ever did. Which means - breastfeeding once we got in the swing of things was monumentally easier with her than it was with her brother. However - she threw us into a panic right before I went to work with her sudden dislike of a bottle... I ended up buying $60 worth of bottles and finally we were able to find one that she would take... My mom was in a panic and kept repeating over and over - I never knew a baby who wouldn't take a bottle. After we got that issue resolved my mom spoke with her P.A. about it and he told her his daughter was the same way - which was nice to have it validated by someone else because good lord knows I know nothing :)

In other news - Nana has become obsessed with Peanut's pooping or lack there of... I on the other hand don't worry about it. D has told my mom that she worries if Peanut's not pooping and worries if she is, so would she just leave his little girl alone about her pooping habits - she's fine. He also told her that if she spent as much time worrying about herself as she does about everyone else she'd be in great condition. Although my mom is a closet hypochondriac so she worries about everyone and herself.

Things here have finally gotten easier... by easier I mean, I am finally human... after Peanut was born and while D was home for 3 weeks things were rough... D and Squeaker were at each other's throats and I was finding myself biting my tongue from yelling at them as well as my mother. This was not normal for me... at about the 6 week mark I knew it wasn't normal for me. So I called my OB and their response was to see a counselor. I did... and then at my 7 week follow up appt I spoke with my OB about it and he said "Did we start you on something?" I told him no, the nurse told me you wanted me to see a counselor... he apologized profusely and said that he was not the one spoken to about it, and here is your prescription... but to continue seeing the counselor. So I did all the free appts that my employee health thing gave me and then she cut me loose because she felt I was doing well and I am. So, I'm no longer seeing the counselor, but you would love how the last appt went... D went with me and thought he was going to be sitting in the playroom with Peanut... nope - he ended up in the appt with me. It was a little weird... the counselor was way too close to D's personal space... D's a cop - he doesn't like people invading his space. She gave us her thoughts that we're a fairly balanced couple and that we seem to communicate really well. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that :) D's parents don't know anything about my PPD or that we/I went to a counselor... I'm not sure D's parents would want to know about that last appt because it focused mainly on them and our relationship with them... and how that makes D feel and how I feel that his family undervalues him. They truly do not realize all they are missing out on with him and with us. Which is sad...

All in all life is good... Nana is good, Squeaker is good, Peanut is good, D is good and so am I... what more could a girl ask for? A clean house - that would be nice, but I'll have to settle for a lived in look.

The above picture was taken Oct 29th... now that I have the images I really need to get on actually making a picture card up for my Christmas cards... fun fun fun!

Shutterfly part 2

2011-10-31T07:07:00.001-07:00

Hi there,

Those of you who commented - please let me know if you received your code. DinoD that means you :) and carebear - I need your email address otherwise I can't send a code. Melissa yours should be in your inbox as well!

Honest there will be another post soon... I promise. With pictures - stay tuned!

Shutterfly - Christmas Cards, etc

2011-10-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

So... I know I know I'll put up a really good post shortly, but for the moment I need to write about Shutterfly. Primarily because they're being very generous and giving me 50 free cards.

I've used shutterfly for about 6 years now and have made our <a href="http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards">Christmas cards with them for quite a few as well. I generally come up with 3 or 4 designs and then have D help to choose which one to go with. Every year I have been pleased with the results. Shutterfly's customer service is great as well. A few years ago - must have been 2007 because it was a mug for Papa as a Christmas gift - it was delivered, but it was broken. I called and they immediately sent a replacement. I've also had problems with printing on a mug and they sent a new one without questions.

When Peanut was born I knew I would go ahead and do her http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birth-announcements">birth announcements by shutterfly and I did. I was again pleased with the results - there were a variety of options from expensive to not so expensive. I ended up going with the not so expensive, but I will admit to being tempted by the more expensive options.

Over the years I've also made a number of tp://www.shutterfly.com/photo-books">photo books including one with all the pictures from Peanut's first two weeks and the photo shoot from that. I've got probably 4 photo books that I've kept and I've tried to do a photo book for the grandparents at least once a year. They love it. I have found that Squeaker oddly enough loves photo books of his family. He sits and looks at the pictures probably once or twice a week if not more frequently.

The gist of all this is that I love shutterfly and use them regularly and store my pictures online there as well. This post was sponsored by shutterfly and I have 3 gifts to give to the first 3 commenters on this post :)

Baby Girl Has arrived

2011-07-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

At 1:04 pm I became the mother to a beautiful baby girl. Cecelia Elise was born at 1:04 pm and is 6 lbs 11 oz and 19 inches long. So far she's nursing like a champ and is doing great. I am doing well as well. I've been up walking once so far. Biggest challenge of the second c-section was getting her out - she didn't want to come out so there was quite a bit of tugging/pushing. They delayed cord clamped and got her to me to nurse pretty quickly. Overall a great experience. The nurses were wonderful and I have a great room which is really nice.

Stay Tuned...

2011-07-27T05:06:00.001-07:00

Sometime today - most likely tonight there will be an announcement with pictures. I'm going to leave it to your imagination as to what that is, but it'll be up.

Wow...

2011-07-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

I have two night shifts left before I start my maternity leave... tonight and tomorrow night. Now to get through them. I've been pretty fortunate to be able to tolerate the 12 hour shifts without too much pain, exhaustion, etc so I'm hopeful the last two should be fine. In theory of course :)

I will be 38 weeks on Wednesday. I'm still in awe that I'm pregnant still this has been a blessing as D has come up with project after project to complete. The current one is that he'd like me to wait to have baby girl until after they complete a deck off the back patio door in the next two days. Gee no pressure. Did I not tell all of you that D is a comedian?

I'm still trying to get things around and make sure I have all items completed, but to be honest while the spirit is willing the motivation is lacking.

So nothing to see here... will keep you posted though.

36 weeks 2 days

2011-07-08T04:37:00.001-07:00

I now have been pregnant 4 days longer than I was with Squeaker... I made it through 6 nights of work (with one night off in there so it was 3 on, one off, 3 on) and am now happy to say that I can hopefully get a few things accomplished like packing that pesky bag for the hospital in case something happens. My placenta has officially been classified as low lying but still on the border so it's a wait and see kind of game as to what's going to go on with that. We've chosen after a lot of considerable thought, consideration and listening to what my physician has to say that a VBAC is probably not the best option for me at this time. I'm okay with that. D is as well so that is where we stand.

I am still trying to plug away at my list of things to accomplish before baby girl arrives... that would include packing a bag. The car seat is installed so that's at least taken care of and Squeaker's swing set that has been sitting in our garage since April when we bought it is now completely put up (only 57 steps, 3 people and 4 days). I'm going blueberry picking today and hope to freeze some of my bounty and take some blueberry trifle to a blessingway for another momma on a natural parenting board I'm on. I also hope to stop at work and work for an hour to get a few things done there so I can not worry about them kind of thing.

Tonight I couldn't sleep so this could be interesting to say the least. My goal of 37 weeks is just around the corner... Watch I make it to the scheduled c-section date :) It'd be a new thing for me.

34 weeks...

2011-06-24T18:19:00.000-07:00

So far we are chugging along - I feel like I need to say to some people - move along, nothing to see here.

I had an appt on Thursday with the OB and we've scheduled the repeat u/s for next week to see if that pesky placenta has moved or not. I think he's more hopeful that it has since I haven't had a bleed, but we shall see. I think it helps that she's so stinking low in my pelvis that it's putting pressure on the placenta which may help or so I've read. Either way we'll know next week which is nice as I'm supposed to be in charge Thurs, Fri, Sat, and then again on Mon, Tues, Wed... ideally I just want to get through that work week and then anything can happen although it'd be nice if she waited until 37 weeks. Ultimately I know it's not in my hands and we shall see what this little girl decides to bring to the mix.

In Squeaker news he's picked up yet another charming phrase... totally from his Dad. "You know better than that." Which is at least better than some of the stuff he could be picking up. I'm struggling with potty training - we're not actively trying, but we're not ignoring it either. He'd rather pee outside or when out in public in a public rest room... however getting him to pee in the toilet at home is a battle of wills. He'd rather pee on the fence. I know it's a novelty and I'm trying to be patient. Tonight I bribed him with a cupcake to pee in the toilet rather than outside. I know one of these days it's going to be like a switch has been turned on. As his teacher said in his eval - he can do it, but it's not a priority for him so he chooses not to. Now how to make it a priority that is the real question. Telling him he's a big boy is about for the birds.

In other news he's now claiming the baby as his... when talking about his little sister he says "My baby sit on my lap", or "My baby sleeps here." It's very cute and hopefully he doesn't want to return her to wherever she came from once she arrives.

6 years... really?

2011-06-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

Holy moly people... it's been 6 years since I started this blog. 6 years... wow. Just wow. I want to also say thank you to all the wonderful friends I have made because of this blog... you are all special in my life and I think of you often even when I don't write :)

Let me also say nothing bad happened on June 15th this year and I did not spend it curled up in a fetal position with the covers over my head which as we all know for me is a miracle. It was spent at a motel with a water activity park thingie for Squeaker to play with and me to feel like a beached whale in a swimsuit - fortunately no pictures were taken of me - lots of pictures of Squeaker.

Today I celebrated my birthday with my husband and son and then went out to dinner while Nana watched Squeaker. Everything was great about dinner... except dessert which we brought home. I was sorely disappointed in the caliber of the dessert... seriously? This was a fancy restaurant and the dessert was just not right.

All in all things are good here. I'm 33 weeks and change and have another appt next week with the good old ob. So far no bleeding which is a very good thing. After having a frank conversation with the good doctor in regards to what's the likelihood of bleeding I learned... that it's a pretty high probability of having a bleeding episode. Needless to say I was a bit deflated by that, however I'm hopeful we can get to 36 or 37 weeks... (It's a goal people) and we all know that I enjoy just having small goals right?

In other news Squeaker has taken to a few choice colorful things to say... I have yet to figure out how to respond when he says "I'm tired of this s*it." in a completely appropriate tone and situation - dogs barking mercilessly (this is a total Nana and Daddy phrase)... I think I choked on something the first time I heard it and now just say "Squeaker that is not nice to say we don't say that." Needless to say I think we're going to have to institute a penalty jar or something for the potty language that goes around this house.

He also told me the other day in a completely forlorn voice "My p*nis no pee" when told he could watch Bob the Builder once he peed on the potty.

So speech therapy - it works for us! :)

30 weeks and change...

2011-05-27T03:52:00.000-07:00

Hi there... remember me?

Yeah sorry about that long absence... I just didn't have a lot to say. Things here have been uneventful. Well they were until yesterday that is.

Yesterday was a prenatal appt and u/s to check and see where my placenta was lying. In the hopes of it hopefully lying somewhere far far away from the cervix. Because I'm me and we all know that nothing with me ever goes smoothly we learned that that darn placenta hasn't moved a millimeter. I somehow was living under the mistaken impression that while it was low it was a few centimeters away from the cervix... not so much. It's exactly 7 millimeters away. So after the u/s we waited patiently for the doctor's appt where I got to learn all about what to watch out for as if to say - it's not a matter of if you'll have a bleeding episode it's a matter of when. I was a bit deflated at that point, but I still had the heads up to ask so - how was that glucose tolerance test... where I then learned my results were right at the cut off for doing the 3 hour test. We've elected to not do the 3 hour test, but to monitor my fasting blood sugars and see where they are. I'll do some pre and post ones as well as I'm an an*l retentive freak, but hopefully it's nothing.

Needless to say my balloon has popped a bit... things are going relatively well, but I feel as if I'm waiting for a shoe to drop right on my head... In the good news category - no bleeding, she's healthy and she's not breech. We'll take what we can get right?

So...

2011-04-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry to keep everyone in suspense. D finally got the card opened (the u/s tech had stapled it about 10 times) and we are having a little girl. My mother and my in laws are tickled. My sister is already shopping and my brother in law sent D a note saying look out... My niece is delighted as now she's not the only one. As for Squeaker... he just wants a baby :)

Stay Tuned

2011-04-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well... I am 24 weeks plus days... and we had the big ultrasound. I do not know what I am having... I do know that all the heart parts were there, that the spine was closed and the baby had a brain, bladder, and diaphragm as well as 2 arms and 2 legs. All good things in my book. Tonight we'll find out with D's parents as well as my mom and Squeaker. It should be interesting. It'll probably be anticlimactic, but there it is.

I also learned I have a marginal placenta previa... apparently my doctor has never had the placenta grow over the cervix at this stage of the game, but we'll have another u/s in 2 appts and just for shits and giggles the baby measured 1 week behind by femur length, but right on for weight so who knows. We're confident of our dates so I think I just have a peanut. But when your doctor says... "this would be a perfect u/s report if it weren't for *bum bum bum*" it makes your teeth clench. D of course does not understand most of this and couldn't understand why me and Dr. Google were becoming friends again. I'm not too worried... just of the thought process this should be monitored. Fun times here ladies and gents.

In Squeaker news when asked what he wants a baby brother or a baby sister his response is... "A baby." He takes after my dad who lived with the philosophy of gender doesn't matter, health does. I agree.

Halfway there?

2011-03-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

Where on earth has the time gone? I'm 20 weeks and a few days and to be honest I got nothing. Our big u/s is not for another 3.5 weeks (because I'm a pansy who doesn't want to see anyone else in the practice). Truthfully that whole big u/s - I could care less about gender... I want to know that this babe has all the parts it's supposed to have. You know... chambers of the heart, outflow tracts, 2 kidneys, 2 lungs, a closed spinal column... I know I'm so romantic aren't I? But in all seriousness that's the things I worry about, not whether it will be a boy or girl. I live with my dad's philosophy that gender doesn't matter... healthy does. I almost grabbed a peds cardiologist and begged for a fetal echo the other day... if I had just been a little faster I would have caught them and probably fallen on my sword asking for one.

Last week was the anniversary of my dad's death and while I usually put a post up about it, this year I didn't have anything new to say. I miss him. I always will. March 12th will never be an easy day for me. This year I worked and that was a different animal.

No easy way to transition away from that, but we have had just sheer craziness in this household. I can tell you that I think Ernie is Hooch reincarnated from Turner and Hooch... the darn dog ate my favorite pajama pants when he got perturbed. While I don't think Hooch would do that... Ernie did. Squeaker is no help when Ernie gets in trouble either - he wants to let him out of his kennel and tells us loudly that "Ernie out here!"

Oh have I not mentioned Squeaker is now quite the little talker. He's a regular Chatty Charlie. It's quite cute and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It still has it's frustrating moments, but he's doing great on the vocal front. Now to get him to potty train. Today he chose to pee out the patio door... to be honest I don't care if it means we get out of pull ups. Although I'd prefer the toilet. My mom on the other hand will be horrified if she catches him doing that... and I know it'll happen. She's terrified he's going to go out the patio door and walk in our fenced in back yard. Seriously - that's probably a safe spot for him to wander. I've learned that as she ages she becomes more paranoid about things that she didn't even bother with when I was growing up... which is probably why I had so many visits to the emergency room.

Anyway so that's what's up with me. Not a lot.

Nuchal...

2011-02-04T05:47:00.000-08:00

First off... I really for some reason have an odd dislike for the times new something or other font. You know that default font. Arial it is for me. Just something quirky about me okay.

Oh hell, I forget how far along I was, but about 2 weeks ago we had our nuchal translucency done. The measurements were 1.7-1.9 every time NN13 flipped and turned. Apparently we picked active time to do this. They were able to see all the things they wanted to see and I have as with Squeaker a posterior placenta... not that I cared, but just an odd side note. The blood work for the first part was done and by Friday we had the results which was a 1:10,000 risk for trisomies. I'm pretty sure I did a happy dance in spite of the fact that I had been woken up in the middle of sleep and had to work that night.

This past week has been not so fun though. Couple reasons... I am/was/am sick. I have a sinus thing that first made it impossible to not go about five minutes without blowing my nose or attempt to suffocate myself because NO AIR movement and have been battling that out. Tuesday the snow whatever showed up and I was working which meant... I spent all day Wednesday at work and then all night Wednesday night at work. They gave us a place to sleep, but let me just say the accommodations were about as good as they could be, but I got stuck by a coworker who didn't disclose that they snored... and they snored... and they snored... and I wanted to kick them or shove a pillow over their head. Needless to say I was a bloodshot mess Wednesday night and quite bitchy. The coworker and I ended up getting into it over something else. This is the same one who made me come out of the closet when I was 5 weeks because I needed them to do an MRI. I apparently still have some pent up animosity. The next time I work with her I'm going to have a talk with her. I need to get over this and since things are progressing with this pregnancy I need to let it go.

I have never been so happy to come home, climb into my own bed after giving D and Squeaker a kiss and telling my mom how much I loved and appreciated what she does for Squeaker and for us. I didn't have to worry about him while I was stuck at the hospital, because I knew he was in safe hands and that my mom could handle it. I probably could have slept for 18 hours straight, however I had a meeting yesterday afternoon.

Oh and Squeaker and D decided to try and outdo me. Both of them have this sinus crap as well. Nice and my mom has it as well. I'm tempted to call my OB. I just haven't made that phone call. I have chronic sinusitis but this... this just sucks.

We're at 14 weeks and some change now... all is well here. Another appt on Monday. Will try to keep posting.

Strange Conversations

2011-01-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! Sorry to be quiet for so long... no idea how long it's been.

Yesterday I had an actual OB appointment. I am currently 11 weeks so it was going to be the first real visit. This was after I had a phone consultation with a nurse - who literally told me nothing and should have been able to glean most of the information from the records the RE sent.

Anyway... So I was kind of surprised to be handed a consent form for H I V testing... since I hadn't had one handed to me with the last pregnancy. I knew how I felt about it, but there was no - lets talk about this, these are the reasons you have this testing done, these are the reasons you don't. It was handed to me at the front desk check in with a pamphlet which I thought was just odd. I thought that a nurse should have at the very least talked with me about it.

After the preliminaries we got down to business. My doctor came in and we talked for a little while, asked if I had a plan for delivery and I said yes - healthy baby, healthy momma. He laughed and then launched into the schpiel regarding risks and benefits of both various types of delivery. I told him at the end of the schpiel that I was not at a point yet to make a decision regarding birth choices yet and he nodded and said he understood, he just needed to talk with me about it. We ended the appointment after the whole deal with a listen to NN take 13's or Fetus 2.0's heart beat which was clipping along at 163.

I go back in a week and a half for the nuchal screen and blood work. D and Squeaker will be with me for that... as no one is there to watch Squeaker. If I had been even a little bit on the fence about doing the nuchal I no longer am as one of my friends just had awful results triggered by the results of the nuchal. I would rather know in advance. Not everyone chooses that, but I would rather know in advance if things were not going along as smoothly as one would have hoped.

In Squeaker news - he's had gastro for a week... I hate gastro!!!! I'm over it.

Whoops...

2011-01-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry everyone for the radio silence... nothing to see here keep on moving forward. We were released from the RE's office by Dr. Sarcastic. NN 2.0 was growing appropriately and had a heart rate of 176. It was measuring right on for all that business. Next up... a year in review... a stupid nurse call (I'm not sure what she wants to talk about but it'll be enlightening), first ob appt and then the nuchal.

I've been working and will be for a few more days.

Squeaker is doing well and talking a lot more. Ernie (Dino D this is for you) has been not so willingly playing the part of Brutus from "The Ugly Dachshund" he has been walked on a leash for I don't know how many hours straight. Lola has played the part of the 4 bad doxies in the movie... with the help of Meg and her pups. Squeaker also likes the w i i fit running... and is now learning yoga. D took a picture of him doing the cobra pose from the yoga part. Nana has been doing the w i i as well and is enjoying it.

So... now I patiently wait for the time when I should be able to find the heartbeat via doppler... because as we all know - an u/s is only reassuring the day you have it... after that you're living on a wing and a prayer. We all know how I feel about that.

Update

2010-12-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

Move along... nothing to see here.

Appropriate growth and a heartbeat of 117. It measured between 6 weeks 2 days and 6 weeks 4 days. Repeat u/s on 12/23 right before Dr. Sarcastic is out of town on vacation. We could have done it on 12/27... a part of me wants the reassurance before the holidays and the other wants it for when NN 2.0 is a few days older etc. I don't know what the right answer is... go at 8 weeks 1 day or at 8 weeks 5 days... I have a few days to make up my mind definitively. Go with Dr. Sarcastic or Dr. Sensitive...

My mom is upset that we haven't told D's parents... they've kind of pissed me off right now, so yeah I'm probably punishing them for it... I've apparently taken an angry pill in regards to all of this.

Grrrr...

2010-12-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

So... this morning I received a phone call from the RE's office stating they were changing my u/s time. 1.5 hours earlier than the original appointment and that it would be with Dr. Sensitive rather than Sarcastic as Sarcastic will be in procedures. Here's the problem... D works tonight so he would not be home in time to go to this appt. I begged... I pleaded... the other alternative was to wait until Monday and have the u/s then. While I know I had the reassuring u/s last week I don't know that I could go that long since to be honest - I'm not positive I saw any flickr like he said he did. I'd rather know hey you can stop the progesterone or nope carry on... After much deliberation it was decided that we both would rather know one way or the other... so u/s tomorrow it is... alone. I may have D on speaker phone for moral support...

I also told D if I received bad news tomorrow I would never go to another u/s again without him. He agreed. He said - lets stay hopeful okay? Maybe the PTSD let up for a minute. I on the other hand am working on an ulcer.

So wish me luck... I'll keep you guys posted and positive vibes are appreciated. NBHHY

NBHHY or is it NCHHY?

2010-12-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a long time since I've posted about something like this... as most of you know back to the RE we went at the beginning of November and in our usual fashion we jumped in with both feet. Why not right?

Then of course the panic set in... and then I did the obsessive compulsive how many dpo am I? When would I get a positive if it was going to be positive? Would I still have the ability to diagnose a dismal beta just based on the color of the stick?

Needless to say I've probably been a lot more anxious the last month than I normally am... About 2 weeks ago we had the first beta done and it was 76 at 12 dpo. The repeat was 210 so great doubling for me. We were slated for the first u/s on this Friday... however as always with me things never go quite as planned.

I was meandering in a field I had never known before... a pregnancy without any bleeding when wham... I slid off the road and landed with the front end into a tree. No air bags deployed, I was fine... the rental car not so much, but no one was injured. I of course as a good patient rather than the normal pain in the ass that I am notified the RE's office and was told - should be fine, no need to worry everything is well protected. 24 hours later I had my friend spot to keep me company. At this point I believe I was 5 weeks and a day. So the nurse said we should have you come in to at least reassure you that all is well. I had to work that night and while I was having some mild cramping I'm firmly of the belief with my body that it would either happen or not happen whether I worked or not. The next morning I drove the hour up to the doctor's office and met with Dr. Sensitive... Dr. Sarcastic was booked up. He came in and did the u/s. Miracles of miracles there was a gestational sac and a something or other... he swears there was a flickr and I think I saw what he was talking about... either way no evidence of bleeding so that was good.

So... now we're headed into those murky waters... our next u/s is Friday. Positive thoughts would be appreciated.

*I had to come out at work sort of last night, which is what prompted this. I didn't want to, but I know that you shouldn't do certain things if you are... and the person was being rather a pain in the ass when I asked her to do something for me she said "Why" and I said it's a personal reason, hoping she would drop it or take the hint... nope she goes no really why? I wanted to punch her. Then she got all freaky on me which is - oh are you okay, don't push that bed, etc. I thought to myself - you are psycho and I hate you for making me tell something I obviously wanted to keep just to myself rather than have every tom, dick or harry talking about me.

*The other reason I wanted to keep it quiet is that I wanted to tell another coworker first... she's actively trying and they have male factor infertility and I know how I felt about drive by pregnancy announcements. Unfortunately I haven't figured out when I'll see her next and it's driving me bonkers.

*So NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet or should it be Nothing catastrophic has happened yet? You pick. Those are the vibes to send either way.

* Oh yes and while my mother knows... my in laws do not know as of yet... that's a whole nother post. I'll be back to post about that fiasco.

Christmas Card 2010 Runner Up

2010-12-02T07:11:00.001-08:00

Bubble Wreath Holiday 5x7 folded card

Make a statement with custom holiday cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Do they count?

2010-11-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

So... I forgot to mention a weird conversation at the RE's office...

When asked about my past pregnancies I responded with 11. The little medical assistant looked at me quizzically and wrote it down... when good old Dr. Sarcastic came in he looked at it and said "really? I thought it was 6" Which then made me want to punch him because then I thought - do we just not count the positive pregnancy tests, but really sh*tty betas? Kind of like a do over?

While I think of them as chemical pregnancies... or pregnancies that just decided to screw with me - you know the one... beta of 5 then suddenly 4 days later 25... they still gave us that moment of hope before I was able to accurately predict my quantitative beta hcg based on the color of the pregnancy test.

So... if I go in there again I'll probably have to print out my about me page and say - see here... these are the ones you didn't know about because we didn't want to take the chance you wouldn't let us cycle or waste our money on lab tests when my ability to guess my beta was within 2 points. Yes, we really were that determined to get knocked up and no amount of "resting" was going to slow us down. Oh and by the way Dr. Sarcastic... that number should probably be 12 as I totally forgot to count the pregnancy that happened in 2001 where I had the boyfriend who asked me when I told him I was pregnant "you're kidding right?" Oh yes and Thank you so very much for changing the coding diagnosis from "habitual ab*rter" to "recurrent pregnancy loss" I appreciate it.

*Wow... this could be a bit rough going on here...

Christmas Cards

2010-11-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

Holiday cards, christmas cards, thanksgiving cards... either way it involves stamps, envelopes, a picture that is drool worthy that show cases off your family - whether it be you and your husband, you and your pets, or you and your child... either way it creates angst and some definite anxiety.

A few weeks ago we had some pictures taken... I stupidly decided to dye my hair to cover the gray and... well the pictures that resulted my hair looked brassy and red and just awful. Needless to say I was devastated by them. I spoke with the photographer and she agreed to retake the pictures. So hopefully I will see the retakes in about a week and be able to order my holiday cards.

I'm writing this blog post mostly as a shout out to shutterfly who has great holiday cards . My favorite is this unfortunately I can't replicate that as I don't have a little girl for my little boy to be kissing... though he did give one of D's coworkers a smooch for a long period of time that I could have probably taken that pic :)

I haven't made the wall calendars but I might this year for my mom and in laws who want to see their grandson's bright and shining face 12 months out of the year :)

If you were the type to have a party - which I am not then Christmas invitations are the thing to do.

Either way I do truly love Shutterfly and have used them for the past 3 years for both my cards and photo books. So I highly recommend them.

*Yes, I am being rewarded for this post... however I really do love shutterfly.

Roller Coaster

2010-11-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

So... today was the big day...

The go back to the RE day...

It was interesting... I essentially went there for him to say - here's your PIO prescription... which he did give me, but I also got the... if this doesn't work in a few months then we should talk about an HSG...

By the end of the appt, when we got up to leave I said - it's nice having a simple appt... and he said that hopefully we keep it that way... and at that point I realized that this may not be easy... we may not have "fixed" the problem...

That problem is me... or more specifically that b**** of a uterus I have that prefers to have a lining like a crappy motel mattress... lets hope the rest of the bits know what they're doing or this could be a really crappy endeavor.

So the question remains... are we ready to start shooting up again and put our hearts on the lines? Getting back on that particular roller coaster is terrifying... yet the reward is huge.

I filled the prescription... as for when we'll start using it... we shall see.

Light a Candle

2010-10-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Today is the day we remember all babies that have been lost either during pregnancy, during birth or after birth. All you need to do is light a candle at 7pm wherever you are and leave it burning for 1 hour. Please help raise awareness of this day as it provides a lot of help for those who have been unfortunate enough to lose a baby.

I will be lighting a candle.

Decision Time...

2010-10-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

Wow... who knew deciding whether or not to take a 7a-7p position would be so difficult. I've had to do a pro/con list, talked with my husband, my mother, friends, etc. That should tell you how tortured I've been about this whole decision. Thursday morning I was offered the position with the schedule I wanted... and I think I'm going to pass it up.

One of the big reasons is I would not see my son as much as I do now. I would leave before he gets up and I would return home either right before he goes to bed or after he is in bed. If I work 2 days in a row that's 2+ days he doesn't see me. That's not fair to him. When I work nights he sees me before I go to work and during the day he takes a nap with his father and I. I think this was the deciding factor...

My mom and my husband both were not keen on this change either so yet another big naysayer. My coworkers were - which I feel honored about, but while they are my work family, they're not my family. I was ambivalent about it... unsure if I am really cut out to do a day job with all the people that are there, etc.

I have until Monday to make my final decision, but I think I have already. And... I just bought fertility monitor sticks, so hopefully I can get in to the RE by next month and we can start trying for number 2 if that's what we choose to do.

Decisions...

2010-09-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

I've worked nights for the last 15 years... I briefly worked days about 10 years ago, but quickly went back to nights. Recently a position has been posted that would allow me to go to days for 12 hours- 3 days a week. I'm very torn. My husband works nights and has no desire to go to days.

Going to days means a lot of change for me... for an antisocial girl like me it would mean more people... more bustle... I like the people I work with. They're great. I'm comfortable.

I don't know if it would be better for Squeaker if I worked days or not. I don't know if it would be easier for my mom if I worked days or not... I'm very torn and indecisive about this. I don't know if when we add a second child to this family it would be easier for everyone if I was on days or not. It's just a hard thing to think about.

So... here I sit trying to come up with an answer and good old husband says "Do what you think is best." Gee thanks...

Six Years

2010-09-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

I met this wonderful man March 31, 2003... well to be honest we'd met before, but I didn't remember him. Anyway... we met again on March 31st. He was coming to the city that I lived in to visit a mutual friend and needed a place to stay as mutual friend didn't really have much for him to sleep on except a couch and I had a whole spare bedroom. I offered up my house and went to work that night. I had a spark - that tingle in your stomach when I had opened the door. We went on a date the next night and the rest is history.

It was just right... we became engaged in February of 2004. I had already bought a wedding dress in December of 2003... I was that confident that we were getting married. I believe I told him... "Hey guess what... I got a great deal on this dress today." When he asked how much I paid and I told him... he asked what the heck kind of dress it was. I responded back with, "it's a wedding dress, so you better hurry up and marry me before it goes out of style." I asked him to marry me and he said I needed the cat's permission. He finally said it was HIS job... and that it would happen at the right time.

He asked me with a message in a bottle... I still have the treasure chest and message in a bottle. It sits on our mantle. Our parents were thrilled... my dad went ahead making plans, telling everyone under the sun and just generally being thrilled - we learned about the telling everyone under the sun at his funeral... which negated the idea of eloping.

So... on September 18, 2004 I married my best friend... a man who accepts me just as I am. We had no idea that our quest to have a family would be as rocky as it was. It was never my problem... it was our problem. He was by my side through the HSG - although he did get really warm and really pasty... and he was the one to tell me that our first miscarriage was actually ectopic. He even sat by my side as I had an in office d/c - in spite of that whole not good with stuff like that. I still give him cr*p about not answering his phone at 4 a.m. when I called to let him know that I was on my way home as my water broke.

Through all of this... I would marry him again in a heartbeat. So... Happy Anniversary my love!

Happy birthday SD!

2010-08-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

Squeaker... SD.... Not Negative... These are just some of the names that my son has had in his 3 years of life plus 9 errr... 8 months of gestation.

Today marks his 3rd birthday. This beautiful, sweet, intelligent boy has brought so much joy to my life. I am a better person because of him. He is a rough and tumble boy. He's always climbing on things to get something. He doesn't let anything slow him down. He gives his mom, dad, and nana a kiss before leaving every day. He waves goodbye to each and every one of the dogs.

So... happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you very much!

Long time no see :)

2010-07-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

Hi there, remember me... I know I know it's been a while, but in reality things have just been busy and to be honest there hasn't been that much to say. However I will update.

Infertility wise... we haven't set up the appointment with the RE. However my periods which have been wonky at best due to nursing are now getting a bit more regular so this fall we will have aow n appt with the RE. I just have to schedule it. I have their number in my speed dial so it's not like I don't think about it every time I scroll past their name.

Work wise... things are interesting. There may be the opportunity for a day shift position and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I think that days would be better for Squeaker and my mom. On the other hand it's days and days means lots more people lots more bullshit. I just don't know. I wonder if they'd let me do a trial and see how I like it before I actually commit? It's worth a shot. It would also mean seeing D less on the days I work as he's not going to go to a day shift.

Squeaker wise... still doing speech therapy and we did do an audiologist appt because he had to be referred for his hearing. Turns out - he hears just fine. Just doesn't speak. Although I do have to say that he is closer now than he was a year ago. Eating wise we still struggle somedays, especially without the high chair. Getting him to SIT and eat is a struggle. I'm not sure how to work that one out. On the bright side he tried a real fresh blueberry and a cherry. Prior to this he wouldn't have touched it with a ten foot pole. This week also brought hives... from what we're not sure. However it did resolve with benadryl and zyrtec so definitely an allergic reaction kind of thing. We suspect a sport drink that D let him drink, however it could have been anything.

Dogs... well Megan who previously was known as the good dog apparently was a wolf in sheeps clothing because wow can that girl be naughty. We thought Ernie was always doing things... NOPE... Meg is his partner in crime. The pups (Blue & Pepper) are doing great. Lola is her usual fiesty self.

My mom - still is having issues with her eyes. We go back in a few months to the eye specialist. I see a corneal transplant in her future... when who knows. She's also had some blood sugar issues recently which explains why she becomes a raging b*tch to me on occasion. I'd be that way too if my blood sugar was 37. She's keeping a food diary which hopefully helps her to see she's not eating enough hence the blood sugar issues. It's amazing what little sugar will do for your personality. :)

So what's up with you? And if you've read this far then you will see Ernie observing D & Squeaker fixing Nana's car. Yes he's in his underwear. No we're not completely potty trained yet, but on occasion we like to run around as if we are. It's a work in progress :)

Five Years

2010-06-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I had my first d/c.

That d/c left me reeling... I also learned I had an ectopic pregnancy that day and got a dose of methotrexate. I came home and started googling. I'm sure I came up on one of Julie from a little pregnant's blog and decided to start my own at that point. What a wonderful and strange journey this blog has taken. I've come a long way and in that time I also learned a lot about myself and my husband and about the world wide web where I have made many friends.

Five years ago I did not know recurrent miscarriage was going to be my diagnosis or luteal phase defect for that matter. Five years ago I still had rose colored glasses. I thought this was just a blip in the road. Who knew that that would be the beginning of our journey.

This blog still serves a purpose and infertility is still a part of my life. We'll be delving back into the whole ttc business in the fall, so I'm sure I'll have lots to say come then.

Thank you for coming and wishing me a happy bloggiversary. I'm still here. I'm still standing.

What IF?

2010-05-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

What if infertility wasn't a part of my life...

I have a hard time thinking of it. I am so far away from that person I was before infertility. The one who thought s*x without birth control meant a baby. It's hard to think of that person and wonder how I would be different. I would be though.

I would have a 5 year old rather than an almost 3 year old.
I would not be g12p1a11 (That just looks WRONG on so many levels).
I would not had to have taken IM progesterone.

My husband and myself would not break into a cold sweat talking about trying for a sibling, yet knowing we both want it. You would think that almost 3 years since the birth of my son we'd be a little less PTSD from all we went through, but we're not.

Imagine if they could say for sure what caused all those miscarriages - were they ectopics resolving on their own or were they just low progesterone?

Imagine a world without infertility... or at the very least everyone with infertility was able to be diagnosed and treated and those treatments worked... wouldn't that be a beautiful thing.

Infertility Awareness Week

2010-04-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's all over the blogosphere that it's infertility awareness week and I figured this was a great time to retell my story.

My first miscarriage was when I was 21. An unplanned pregnancy where the guy I was dating literally said "You're joking right?" when I told him I was pregnant. He was relieved when it ended in a miscarriage - I on the other hand didn't know what to think. I knew it wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I was scared, but not terrified.

Flash forward 5 years to 2005 and I'm married to a wonderful man and we start on that baby making train. At the time we were living apart half of the time so timing was a thing we needed to just give it our best shot. We were successful after about 3 months trying... however things were weird. I started out spotting, then bleeding and yet still had a positive pregnancy test. I ended up calling my OB and he ordered a beta hcg with a repeat in 48 hours... I think that doubled, but the numbers were really low for where they should have been. Eventually I had another beta and that showed that the beta had fallen, but not where he wanted it to and we scheduled a d & c. I was for some reason worried about an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctor felt that wasn't the case. Flash forward to the day before my birthday and I awake after anesthetic to the news that it was indeed an ectopic. At that point I found the world wide web of blogs and started blogging.

By the time fall came around I had had another pregnancy with a wimpy beta and was pushing my doctor to do a endometrial biopsy to see how my lining was. We did that test in November and learned that my lining was not the plush pillow top matress one would hope, but a crappy motel mattress - no wonder pregnancies wouldn't stick. So - we tried clomid and progesterone supplements. We were hopeful this would fix things... alas it did not and at that point my doctor threw his hands in the air and said - you need to see an RE.

It took 2 months, but we went to the RE and he was impressed with all the testing we had already had done for recurrent miscarriage. I was devastated with the initial diagnosis of habitual aborter - it's just an awful diagnosis especially since we wanted a baby so badly - I know it's all about insurance coding, but come on come up with a nicer term please? He prescribed injectables after an HSG and to continue a different progesterone supplement. We continued to have positive pregnancy tests with wimpy betas. During a rest cycle (unmedicated) except for progesterone we had blighted ovum a year to the day of our previous d & c/ectopic pregnancy. We were beginning to be defeated.

Eventually we switched to IM progesterone with the injectables and off we were again. We did an IUI as well. I'm skimming a bit, but really no one wants to read of month after month of positive pregnancy test yet seriously shitty betas. It was about every other month that we were having a positive pregnancy test and each one would start off with that beautiful 2 lined test and the next day bleeding. It got to the point that I was able to tell what my beta was going to be based off the pregnancy test darkness.

We approached 2007 and decided we needed to take a break from formal treatment, after talking it over with the RE we decided to just do the IM progesterone and see what happened. If after a few months we'd reevaluate.

That was the cycle that became Squeaker or Not Negative Take 12. That pregnancy started off the same as all previous pregnancies... with bleeding. I had multiple betas and those had appropriate rise and were decent numbers, my progesterone was great. They have no idea why the bleeding. On January 31st we learned the pregnancy was in the uterus. The next week we had a heartbeat. We didn't feel out of the woods yet... we had an u/s every other week until we were released from the RE at 10 weeks. I spent most of my pregnancy in fear... I didn't think it was really going to happen until after 32 weeks... and then Squeaker came early at 35 weeks.

We were fortunate... not fortunate that it took 12 pregnancies total to have him, but fortunate that we have him at all and fortunate that in that journey to having him we met and found such incredible women and men who shared our journey with us. Maybe that was the reason - I don't know, but I'm thankful for having met you via the internet.

I don't know if our shot at a sibling for Squeaker will be successful. I can pray that it will be and I can pray that it won't be like the first time... however just thinking about trying makes me break out into a cold sweat - so stay tuned. In other words - not trying yet.

Way too long...

2010-04-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been a while. Things have been going well. Squeaker started speech therapy in February and in the last month or so he's really making a lot more noises and occasional word. We've decided on a preschool which is scary and all that rolled in one. It'll be 5 days a week and he'll still receive speech therapy as part of it. I'm nervous about sending my baby off in the fall for 5 days a week, but we want what we think is best for him. The teacher seems wonderful.

In January my mom had her cataract removed... since then things have been interesting. She has had an increase in her blurry vision to the point that I decided after a bad appt with her current eye surgeon to see a true cornea specialist. That appt will happen on Wednesday. A part of me wants her to just have the cornea transplant, and the other part of me is like suck it up. She's terrified of losing her ability to drive. I don't blame her it's a big loss of freedom.

In other news - we're in negotiations about getting back on the bandwagon of trying. Nothing official yet - no phone calls to the RE have been made, but it's something we're talking about - which is more than we've done in the past.

And yes - Squeaker is still nursing... which is a challenge. I'm trying to do the child led weaning and I remind myself it's not hurting anyone. He nurses for naps and bedtime. He doesn't take a bottle at all and so it's just a part of our daily lives. We're working on potty training.

So that's my update for the moment. Hang tight I'm sure soon I'll have lots to write about between the thought of trying and my mom there's plenty of stories out there!

Not surpassing expectations...

2009-12-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

This is a tough post to write... and while generally I focus on infertility or parenting this is about something else... not meeting or exceeding someone's expectations. I learned that I did that. I thought I was meeting or exceeding expectations, but turns out I'm not - but it's not in a cut and dry sense of the word... no it's more in a vague way which really is irritating. I'm actually pretty peeved by that realization. However it has opened my eyes that I can't meet everyone's expectations. I can't exceed everyone's expectations and damnit all... I can't kill myself trying to. Maybe it's the wake up call I needed.

I've also learned I'm not going to win any popularity contests. I get superficial friendships, but those deep friendships that inspire loyalty are few and far between. I'm not sure how to rectify that. It actually makes me pull more inward. I'm already a pretty inward sort of person, so this makes it even more so.

I know this is vague... but have you ever thought you wanted something only to realize maybe you didn't when you learned you didn't meet someones expectations? I just did... and I'm not sure how I feel about it. By the way this has nothing to do with parenting or infertility... and more to do with just life stuff.

Soon - the year in review...

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T04:18:00.000-08:00

May your day be filled with family, friends, and good food. From my family to yours!

Being Broken...

2009-11-03T10:13:00.001-08:00

In my real life there has been a rash of pregnancy announcements... and I'll admit to being torn. One couple I'm extremely happy for - it took them greater than a year and she was getting ready to start delving into modern medicines interventions when it happened. The other... it was an oops and their first child is about 18 months old. When talking with her about it she alluded that the other should be happy because she got to "try" to get pregnant. I told her that basically trying isn't all that much fun. It took 2 years of trying for SD to be here and lets just say the trying gets old when that occurs. I don't think she understood. I know she didn't. If you haven't lived in it then you don't understand. Although I will admit to wanting to punch that person. I refrained.

I recognize that some of this is jealousy. For me to even think about trying it involves a trip to the RE. I don't want to take the chance of having a doomed pregnancy because I don't make enough progesterone on my own to support an "oops" pregnancy. I don't want to take the chance that it "might" work. I want a pregnancy to know that it has the full support of everyone and anyone. We just don't want to take the risk and I'm okay with that. However it hasn't made me go through and schedule an appointment with the RE yet. Key word is yet. I want my cycles to come back to normal and to wean SD before that occurs. I
think the reason why I wanted to punch the one newly pregnant woman is that she had a luxury I don't have. I can't just try and see what happens.

However I had my yearly appointment with my regular guy and I mentioned that we would probably start trying again and go to the RE. He supported that go to the RE thing. Which reminded me that in the reproductive bits... I'm still broken. That's a little disheartening even if I already knew it. It's one thing to know it yourself... it's a whole nother story to have the medical professionals agree with you.

Fitting in...

2009-10-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

I don't think I fit in...

I'm kind of stuck in between traditional and natural parenting. What the hell does that mean? I vaccinate... I'm okay with the fact I had a c-section... My child wears cloth and disposable diapers... We still have plastic in the house... We're weeding out high fructose corn syrup. I don't buy all organic - I'm too cheap for that.

There's just a lot of things that separate me from both my peers and my coworkers. I fit in here. I fit in with my close friends. Trying to fit in with my coworkers - it's tough. Their priorities and my priorities are totally different. I look like the hippy granola girl with them. Which I'm not. But one of the big reasons why I look like that is due to still breastfeeding... or let me rephrase it... because we've breastfed for so long. I know it always comes back to the b**bs doesn't it?

However with the granola group - well I don't fit in either. I'm okay with having the birth I had... hell I was maybe disappointed for about 5 minutes, but then there was that real live healthy baby and everything about disappointment went out the window. I can't muster any energy to be upset about the birth SD had. It was what it was and I have a healthy, happy child because of it. Then there's the vaccinate or not vaccinate debate which makes my head explode. Especially now with all the s*ine f*u talk and the vaccinations regarding that. I know that my decisions are based on what I see at work and lets just say that is not a pretty picture - which without disclosing how I fall on the vaccination debate probably gives you an idea of how I fall.

Ultimately I am so thankful for this space... this collection of women who I can say I fit in with. Maybe infertility brought us together, but my parenting choices hasn't brought us apart. For that I am thankful.

Prayers Needed For a Friend

2009-10-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

Many of you that do read here will remember my friend Mandy she's also located at Inside Amanda's Head the first is her infertility blog and journey to motherhood. The second blog was started recently due to her learning of having chiari malformation which now necessitates brain surgery. She will be having the surgery tomorrow. If you are a praying person - send up some prayers. If you're a positive vibe kind of person - send those her way. Essentially I'm asking for you to think of Amanda and send her and her family your thoughts. I appreciate it and I know she will too.

Early On

2009-09-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

First off... we've graduated from feeding therapy. Can we all go WOOHOO! Now granted we've still got lots of work to do. However I can honestly say the 12 weeks of therapy were worth it. Last night we went to a restaurant and my son actually ate a thing of mac n cheese from the kiddie menu. We sat and stared while he did it we were in such awe.

However we have watched patiently for Squeaker to have this language explosion... which hasn't happened. We've heard "hey blue" and "I love you" but we don't hear much else. So we decided that we would have an evaluation by Early On and see what they had to say. Today was the evaluation and we learned that Squeaker does indeed qualify for services in speech.

So in the next few weeks we'll be having the sit down to discuss goals and come up with a plan etc. His receptive language is off the charts, but his expressive is sadly lacking. Hopefully we'll have similar feelings about Early On as we did regarding feeding therapy. We shall see.

I'd Do It Again In a Heartbeat

2009-09-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my anniversary. Five years ago yesterday, I married a man who understands me. A man who loves me wholeheartedly and who is there for me. He was at my side through infertility and he has been by my side through parenthood.

I am a lucky lucky woman.

So - Happy Anniversary to me and the one I love.

Not How I Thought It Would Be

2009-09-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

DinoD asked... and now I shall answer...

Is Squeaker still nursing? Yes. Yes, I'm nursing a toddler. I never thought that would be the case. I hoped to nurse until he was 2, have the birthday party and say goodbye to nursing- you know a burn the nursing bra party. However he's still nursing and the birthday party was a few days ago. We've significantly decreased the frequency of nursing, but he's still totally into the b**b when it comes to bedtime and when it comes to naptime... or if he's particularly pissed off about something.

I'm also admitting that I'm a lazy parent and bedtime is so simple with the b**b that seriously we'd have to change our nighttime routine and I'd rather not go through the hassle. I will eventually start having D put him to sleep, but with wonky work schedules it's hard to figure out how to make it work.

D is not terribly thrilled about this turn of events. No matter how often I tell him that it will eventually end and it will eventually means before he turns 5 and hopefully before he turns 3. My mom teases about him still nursing as does my friends and coworkers. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know it's outside the "norm" and slaps a crunchier label on me than I really am.

I do have to admit to enjoying one benefit of extended nursing... my periods didn't show back up until June. I wasn't terribly thrilled to see that particular thing show back up, but such is life.

Suggestions are welcome... I'm kind of doing the child/parent led weaning. I'd rather just slowly wind down and have him have no interest in it... however I'll admit to being a bit worried that he is going to be nursing forever.

Happy Birthday Squeaker!

2009-08-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

My baby turned 2 today... It's hard to believe that two years have passed. Happy birthday SD!

Happy Birthday Friend...

2009-08-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

I may not always have the "right" words. However I will always be there for you- whether you want me to be there or not. Happy Happy Birthday Mandy

Remembering A Father...

2009-06-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

While celebrating another...

Father's Day is a day when I cherish the husband who is now a father... and remember the father who is no longer with us. My dad is someone I remember at odd times throughout the year. When my mom and I recently had difficulties I really wished he was here. He could calm her down and get her to see reason quicker than anyone I know.

I doubt I've told this story on here before, but when I was probably 1 or 2 my mom got extremely angry at Christmastime with something my brothers and sister had done and attempted to throw the Christmas tree and all the gifts out. My dad being a brave man chose to lock her in the bathroom. He didn't just lock her in there... he locked himself in with her. She was spitting mad - like a hissing wild cat, ranting and raving. His response to all of this was to hug her and just listen. He told her they weren't getting out of the bathroom until she calmed down. She eventually calmed down... and Christmas was saved.

That's just who he was... he was willing to stand the heat. He could handle it. Over the years growing up Dad was always there for me. He let me make mistakes, but he was always there to pick up the pieces. I wonder how he would have handled the multiple miscarriages that we suffered. I'm sure he would have found something just right to say to make me know just how much it bothered him and just how much he loved me and hated to see what we were going through. I wonder what he would have thought of having a grandson named after him. Or of having a grandson that at times is the spitting image of him. Although now that Squeaker isn't as much of a cueball he looks slightly less like him.

My parents would have been married for 33 years on the 19th... Today my mom is placing yellow roses on my Dad's grave. That's their flower...

Today I remember the man that raised me. He may not be here, but he is not forgotten. I also cherish the husband I have who is a fabulous father. My dad would be proud of my husband for being such a great father. I think my dad saw the potential when he gave his blessing for us to marry by announcing to the whole world that D was his son. Not his future son in law... but his son. That's just the guy my dad was.

Time Does Heal Some Wounds...

2009-06-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

Four years ago I had my first d/c which I then learned was an ectopic. Three years ago we received the news that a rest cycle pregnancy was not viable... who would have thought lightning could hit twice. It did... and two years ago I spent the 15th under the covers with a doppler and poking my belly in the hopes that Squeaker would a) stay in there and b) live. Last year I spent the day enjoying Squeaker.

Today I did the same. This is not meant to say I don't still have bad memories of the 15th, but I'm making new happier memories of this day. It's the day before my birthday. The day before my bloggoversary... It's what lead me to this wonderful community. I have a lot of things to be thankful for... including...

Nanna will be coming back. She misses me... she misses Squeaker... she misses Dan.

Living with a hope and a prayer...

2009-06-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

I guess I've learned something... when things are good - I don't blog. When things are not so good I blog. Things here are getting better, but not quite where one wants them to be.

I'll be honest here - I hope with the feeding therapy my mom comes back. Having my son sleep at someone elses house (I work nights) just isn't high on my want to do list. I'll do it... The other drama is that D's schedule changes in a few months so we may have to find yet another daycare provider if my mom doesn't come back.

I'm not holding out hope that she'll come back, but I am praying about it. It'd make all of our lives easier. Squeaker misses her. He still runs to her door and pounds on it as if to say "Nanna come out!" Which breaks my heart when it happens. Thankfully it's not as often as it was in the first few days of my mom's absence. Still watching my son want to see his Nanna and not being able to see her well it just makes me sad.

We start feeding therapy on Tuesday. To be truthful I have no freaking clue what we're going to do in feeding therapy. I'm going to assume that there's going to be actual feeding. Could be wrong though. I don't know if I'm supposed to bring him in hungry or what. It would be helpful if they gave detailed instructions so that the nurse in me can figure this out. We've been trying to follow the instructions given to us in the meantime... 1. Playing with food - yeah that ones not going so well. Not for lack of effort on our part.. but Squeaker not really into it. He'll dip and that's about it. 2. Smelling food - yeah not going so well either... he's not into letting anything get towards his mouth if we're the ones holding it... and he scrunches up his face as if to say "NO" and 3. Not forcing him - that's about the only one that is going well. We're letting him run the show so no forcing is happening.

Let me just say meal time is a HUGE pain in the ass at our house... I'm pinning a lot of hope on this whole feeding therapy thing.

Amy - Squeaker is otherwise healthy and meeting his developmental milestones... speech is a bit delayed, but physically he exceeds where he's supposed to be. Weight wise he's always been in the 5th percentile - never any higher. Hope that helps.

That Feeding Thing...

2009-06-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well with my mom's prompt departure I was forced to take a serious look at my son's eating habits or lack there of. So I made that appointment for the feeding clinic...

Yesterday was the evaluation. And the verdict is that we need to do feeding therapy. Apparently Squeaker is showing signs of some oral aversion and reflux. The last part I want hmmm... his food choices, his self limiting behavior, etc.

So two things happened yesterday - we started him on prevacid and my brain was a bit fried as I had been up all night, but we have 3 things we need to work on until we actually start the therapy program... playing with food, smelling food, and not forcing him to eat.

My mom felt bad when she heard we were told NOT to force him to eat as she had been forcing him to eat out of frustration. I told her she was doing what she thought best and that it's not her fault.

So onward and upward right? This is something we can work on and hopefully we have a new boy in regards to food in the next few weeks. We did order freeze dried peas and corn and he loves those so we are finally getting vegetables to cross those lips of his...

At least we finally have a plan... that's a good thing right?

I am NOT a patient person

2009-05-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Things with my mom haven't improved much as of yet. The first night she barely said a word... the second day wasn't much better. The fourth (I took the third day off) she ranted and raved about a bunch of things but was semi civil. Things have slowly progressed. I hoped hearing that I had gotten Squeaker's hair cut which was one of her complaints would bring out her grandmotherly spirit, but alas I haven't heard a word.

One of my mom's other big gripes was my son's eating habits or lack there of was sending her over the proverbial edge. In the hopes of mending fences and even maybe getting her to come back, I took the plunge on Tuesday and called requesting a referral to the feeding clinic. I then waited, and waited, and called and was told - the message is in, call back on Friday - which irritated me. This morning I called AGAIN and said what's the hold up? I apparently expressed enough irritation as I was finally told a short time later that the referral had been put through. In the short time I did call the feeding clinic and asked politely - Do I have to have a referral? My insurance doesn't require one. I was told firmly that I HAD to have a referral and that the wait was 6 weeks for the eval... and then if we needed the intensive feeding clinic it would be roughly 9 months.

I think my head exploded at that point... if we would have known it would take 6 weeks 3 months ago we would have just gone ahead and done the eval back then... so now I'm kicking myself for not putting this in the forefront...

I mean some days he eats great... most days he eats subpar to okay... and then there are the days when getting anything past his lips that are not crackers or cheese.

One of my mom's other beefs was that we were still breastfeeding... we haven't given that up. The plan is to wean when he's 2... I'm sticking with that one... Though most days I think it would be so easy to just say enough. He's still all about the boob.

Ultimately once I make a decision I want instant results... this waiting crap is for the birds. I've been a patient person - waiting patiently for Squeaker was enough. I shouldn't have to wait for this now.

I also shouldn't have to wait for my mom to cool off and become a normal human being again... you know that loving mother she used to be. But I have to wait for that as well...

The Nanny Quit...

2009-05-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

Or why my mother is upset with me...

Thursday of last week was not a great day for me... for a number of reasons. First I had just started coming down with mastitis and second was dealing with a rental car since my husband had been in a car accident earlier in the week. We came home from dealing with both issues and sat down after having had a nice dinner. My mom had been at our house and was watching Squeaker.

We sat down and she started complaining about how I cut Squeaker's hair. I had trimmed it a bit, no it wasn't fabulous, but darnit the kid screamed the entire time I was doing it. I didn't want to pay someone I didn't know to listen to him scream and had planned on getting it cut professionally by someone we both go to who I thought would do a good job in a week. Well D said "You've done nothing but bitch since she cut his hair - at least she finally cut it." She looked at the both of us and said "I'm done, I quit." I of course sat there in stunned silence, attempted to calm her down, but at that point she unloaded.

By unloaded - I mean she came up with things that had happened 3 years ago to complain about, when she's upset she says a lot of mean and nasty things. I generally able to let it slide off my back, but some of the things did bother me. She was upset about my still breastfeeding especially since we're still having feeding issues. (Yes, I'm still breastfeeding and will continue until he's 2) She complained about the dogs and how many we have... and on and on it went. I asked if she would at least watch him through the holiday weekend and she said no. I'm not proud and I did beg her to watch him as my thought was how the heck am I going to find a babysitter on a holiday weekend. She left in a blaze of glory or as if an atomic bomb had gone off and said she was never coming back.

I spent Thursday night crying and fretting. D started searching in the phonebook for daycares and we called a friend. I needless to say was able to find another babysitter - a very good friend of ours who introduced us luckily is off from work for the summer. She's going to watch him on a part time basis until July. Friday we went and visited an in home daycare and were able to feel comfortable about this woman watching our son at night 2 nights a week.

Let me just say all of this has been incredibly difficult. I hate arguing with my mother. It tends to make me physically ill. This time was no different than in the past... it made me sick to my stomach to listen to her angry words and do nothing. I do nothing because I'd rather preserve our relationship then have it be the type of relationship she and my sister have of only talking occasionally. I did defend myself, but mostly I just listened. One of her words did hit a nerve... the one where said I wouldn't have anymore children. Because I don't know if I will and hearing her say it with such sureness really hit me hard. It's one thing for me to be unsure it's another thing to have someone else say it.

The whole daycare thing has me worked up in nerves as well. My son has never been to daycare... I'm terrified of it. I know this lady is nice, but I'm fearful we'll be kicked out by him uttering a bad word or by him just not sleeping well... and what happens if D or I get hung up at work, etc... it all just overwhelms me to think about it.

My mom and I are slowly talking... it's not like it used to be, and I'm not sure it ever will be. I worry about her on a daily basis and I worry about how the relationship she has with my son can be salvaged and kept intact. Ultimately I'm a worrier... I'm just trying to adjust to this new normal.

Sorry It Has Been So Long...

2009-05-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't think of blogging... because I do. It's more a not sure what to say. I'm in the in between state. Am I still an infertility blogger if I'm not trying to get pregnant? Well yeah and no... It's complicated.

We still are on the fence about even attempting to have a second child. Things are so busy and we're enjoying Squeaker so much that we've mutually decided that we'll table the discussion until Squeaker is 2. So when that happens believe me we'll work through our post traumatic stress disorder and blog about our thoughts. Until then I live in a state where babies are great, but I love my toddler even more.

We've been fortunate that our jobs are relatively secure. I say relatively because hiring freezes and wage freezes are something that we deal with, but at least we have our jobs. How's that for positivity?

My mom is still the Nanny... and that is good most days. However if she has a bad night with the dogs and Squeaker... well needless to say I hear about it... and since stress is not my mom's forte well it gets a bit ugly. Usually leaving me in tears and her pissed off. She generally gets over it, but in the time it takes for her to get over it I'm on egg shells, because truthfully I have NO clue what we would do for childcare without her. We work nights... finding a daycare that does nights would be awful and not easy. I thank the good lord every day that my mom is able to do this for us because I hate working days and have no desire and neither does D and unfortunately both of us have to work.

We're still struggling with the feeding issue. I'm still nursing... If you would have told me that at 20.5 months Squeaker would still be nursing when he was first born I would have told you you were nuts. Primarily because it took us SO very long to get the hang of breastfeeding... now it's easy. In the beginning it was SOOOOOO HARD. I hated people who thought it was easy. I have a friend who would tell me on the phone how easy breastfeeding was in comparison with pumping. I wanted to poke her eyes out. Thankfully she never visited because I was able to refrain from doing that. I don't know how long we'll nurse for. I assume at least until he's 2. After that I'm not sure. A part of me leans toward the child led weaning. The other part of me wants my body back.

In dog news... we still have all 5 dogs. They still drive us nuts on an almost daily basis. However Blue (one of the pups) is in love with Squeaker. It's the sweetest thing to see him come running from the bedroom. Stop give Squeaker a nudge and Squeaker give him a pat. Then head to the door. The two of them if given the opportunity would be inseparable. I have images in my mind of what the next few years will look like with the two of them.

D's parents are still... well still D's parents. I try not to let them bother me. Unfortunately next week my FIL is coming and the week after that both my FIL and MIL will be coming to visit. So I'm sure I'll have much to talk about. Lets just say I'm not extremely excited about these visits. I'm tolerant of them. They're his parents and they make him as nuts as they do me. So that's in my favor.

Ultimately life is good... and that's all I can ask for.

Winning the food war?

2009-02-19T05:27:00.000-08:00

One of the things I never thought I'd worry about as a parent was how much my child weighed, how tall he was or how much he ate. Then SD was born and well... lets just say that thought went right out the window.

It started with him being such a sucky eater that we were doing weekly weight checks for the first 6 weeks of his life. I thought once we got through that stretch that we were home free. I was wrong.

A few weeks ago my mom had a meltdown in regards to SD's eating habits or lack there of. He sucks in regards to eating. It's not that we haven't tried to offer a variety of foods its that the kid is just not into eating. Seeing as I'm fighting the battle of the bulge and have been for a number of years and D loves food well we have no idea who he takes after in regards to his eating habits. I personally think he got the rogue gene of my sister as she was and still is a notoriously picky eater.

I'll admit to some embarrassment at my son's petite size. When others ask how old he is and I tell them and they then give me a sideways look as if to say "You're kidding right he's very small if he's truly that age." Having to say "Yes, my son is small for his age." Having a coworker who's 9-10 month old is the same weight as my son... well that just sucks. I'm jealous of those of you whose kid falls in the 50th percentile for height and weight... as we are hopefully still on the chart and may in fact now have fallen off the damn chart. We have our 18 month appointment coming soon... I'll admit to not feeling particularly cheery about it as the whole feeding thing just causes anxiety.

I've tried to keep it light... to just say it's his age that is making him such a little shit about eating. I've posted on parenting boards and have been reassured briefly that this too shall pass. But to be honest it's something we've been dealing with for a number of months. I have no end in sight and right now this morning he ate "okay" meaning - for him he ate a good amount. For those other kids he ate a puny amount.

So - this is me... trying not to compare him to others and reminding myself that neither of his parents are tall... that his father was petite at a young age. That he looks like his grandpa and well short and stubby is in his genes. I'd just like him to fill out a bit more. Or at least not feel as if I'm at war with my kid about food. Because right now I don't feel as if I've won the battle and feel as if I'm dangerously close to losing the war.

Suggestions are welcome...

It's the End of the Year As We Know It...

2008-12-31T06:25:00.000-08:00

I know corny! Very very corny.

However as I am a bad blogger I had no choice... the song popped into my head.

This will be my yearly review, but it is so different from previous years. There are no miscarriages in it... That's a great thing, but also an unusual thing. This year is truly full of highs rather than lows and I am so thankful for that. We do still have a few low things, but not like years past.

January - breastfeeding actually becomes a reality rather than a theory

February- I broke my toe by dropping a turkey on it... not my finest hour

March- Fairly uneventful gearing up for SD's baptism.

April - SD gets baptized and sees D's famdamily...
SD Starts crawling and tries rice cereal for the first time...

May - Nephew competes in OM and goes on to World's competition... a pic of their lucky charm SD goes with them as does the T-shirt!

June - We survive another day before my birthday without anything bad happening. It's time to reclaim the day.

July - Another family trip... with 6 dogs and a baby. No we won't be doing this frequently as a trip with 6 dogs and a baby sucks.

August - My Mom is diagnosed with Fuch's dystrophy
My son turns 1... what a wonderful year it has been
I make it to a year breastfeeding - never would have thought that was
possible....

September - 4 years of marriage to the best man for me...

October - The end of the 6 dog era... my loving companion Chance is put to sleep... a hole is left in my heart, but he is in a better place...
A tooth finally erupts in SD's mouth - shocking!

November - 3 more teeth show up for a total of 4.
Ernie's tumors turn out to be cancerous, but they were all clear margins so
he's cured.

December - First hospitalization... it sucks. Breastfeeding still going strong.
Second Christmas - survive without incident... and dish network shows up
at our house... the end of the nonsatellite tv ends.

So the year 2008 has been great for the most part. I'm going to endeavor to be here in my blog more so than last year... but I won't make any guarantees. Know that I'm reading. Even when not posting or commenting.

First Hospitalization...

2008-12-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Sorry this is an after the fact kind of update... but we here at the casa de canine have been busy and ill. It all started the week before Thanksgiving when I became ill. We'll just say a GI bug hit me and then proceeded to hit the household.

Friday night after turkey day Squeaker came down with it. I thought we could muscle our way through it. Of course he had it worse than either D or myself. Our bugs lasted 2 days and were done... by Monday December 1st, Squeaker was starting to resemble a limp noodle and I cried uncle and took him to the pediatrician.

As a PICU nurse I've seen kids dehydrated... and knew my son was dehyrdated. Making the situation apparent to D was well... I somehow didn't convey the gravity of the situation or he would have gone with me to the pediatrician. When we weighed our Squeaker he was down a pound from his last visit... and well my son really doesn't have a pound to lose. Taking a closer look at him he was to put it mildly - moderately dehydrated and the pediatrician was hopeful we could just tank him up and go home.

Since D hadn't gone with me to the doctor I had to call him. Because by golly if I'm going to have to see my baby poked with an IV so is he. D took 6 phone calls to wake up (he'd worked the night before). By the time he answered I had gone from nice wife to incredibly pissed off wife - I'm sure all of you have been there before right? We decided I would drive home, pick up D and head to the ER.

By the time we got to the ER poor Squeaker was looking even more punky. I had then started to kick myself for not bringing him on Sunday. My baby was pitiful and didn't throw much of a fight up for the IV start or other things that had to be done. I had at that point realized we were probably not going to be going home and D still was clueless about that particular aspect until the ER doc came in and said that Squeakers labs were awful and we were going to be staying.

All in all we were in the ER maybe 2 hours total before we were taken to a room. Squeaker was still pretty fragile when we got to the room, but was doing a bit better. It's amazing what a little bit of fluid will do for a baby but he definitely needed the fluids.

D went home and I was left to be with Squeaker. The nurses were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a nicer bunch. The hospital itself was wonderful too. We were able to be released Tuesday afternoon and came home. Squeaker was still battling the GI bug but was a bit better.

This bug lasted 12 days... let me just say it was awful. We're only just now getting back to normal in the last 2 days. I hated seeing my son feel so punky and ill and it made me thankful for knowing what was what because I can't even imagine how I would have felt without that knowledge.

So now we're done disinfecting the house. We're able to go out in public again... and hope to see Santa in the next few days.

Update of Sorts...

2008-11-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

There are many things going on at the now 5 dog and a baby household... namely did I mention the 4 teeth we have here? No... oh I've been remiss.

On October 19th Squeaker decided to be a giant crank. To be exact he screamed the entire night. No - not kidding... there was maybe an hour there that he didn't. This was with tylenol and motrin on board for another complaint. Thankfully I had had the psychic ability to deduce it was going to be a shitty night and made D stay home. I was able to share the love so to speak with D so that each of us could get an hour here or there to sleep while the other cared for the screaming inconsolable Squeaker. The next morning during breakfast I put my finger in Squeakers mouth and was shocked to find... not 1 tooth like he'd had, but 4 teeth. Yes - we teethed 3 teeth in one night. It sucked. So at 14.5 months he has 4 teeth. He's also still under 20 lbs... to be exact at the last ped appt he weighed in at 19 lbs 9 oz. Still not into table food but getting better. Who knew feeding your toddler would be such a pain in the ass? I had no clue that's for sure.

In other news... Ernie had some growths removed from his side during a dental cleaning. We're waiting on the histology results - hopefully the margins are clear and we can just focus on Ernie being a dog. My mom is beside herself while I am cautiously optimistic that it's nothing to worry about. So some prayers are welcomed that they are just benign growths as we really don't need to be dealing with the other alternative. Ernie is forlorn right now as he has to wear the stupid elizabethian collar since he won't quit licking his sides. He'll have the stitches removed in about 2 weeks. Until then the collar stays on and he looks like Eeyore with it on. So sad.

In even other news... we are going to be getting dish TV... we had tried to suck it up through the digital conversion from analog - bought new antenna, the converter boxes, etc and yet as if to say screw you - the digital tv gods laughed at me when the cold windy weather hit and our tv channels were cut down by about 50%. My mom who is going to be living with us a good majority of the winter can not survive without certain tv programs (no not Je.rry Spr.inger more like Ju.dge Ju.dy) so in an effort to keep that front happy I caved and finally consented to allowing a satellite tv provider into our home. I'm not happy about it... and am kicking and screaming my way through it.

I have made some efforts to prepare myself for the holiday season. Christmas cards are ordered. A friend of ours took Squeaker's picture and they turned out fabulously... so we had a great photo to use.

This of course is not the picture, but it's from the photo shoot...

Goodbye Old Friend...

2008-10-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today was awful... Chance had to be put to sleep... my dog... The dog who was there for me through everything... The dog who almost had me disowned.

12 years ago I purchased a beautiful miniature dachshund who was red dapple in color. I was 18 and I spent an exorbitant amount of money purchasing this dog. My mother when she heard the news threatened to disown me. He also convinced my mom not to disown me by running around the house with a newspaper over his head, running into a table and yelping like the puppy that he was. He eventually moved into my apartment with me and managed to scare off any number of bad boyfriends by doing various things such as eating a wallet, their shoes, peeing on them, coming between us when the guy went to kiss me. He loved my husband and didn't do any of those things to him. Chance had managed to survive back problems that caused numbness, two attacks by Megan and a kidney ailment. Chance was my baby before I had a baby... He was there for me through infertility and beyond...

Losing someone you love always sucks... doing the right thing and ending their misery is never easy. Chance is in a better place where he never has to worry about Megan trying to eat him. He doesn't have to share his bed with Lola and he'll always be with me in spirit. He has no pain and he's able to eat to his heart content... and I'm sure he'll be waiting for me at the rainbow bridge when I meet my maker...

Goodbye Old Friend... I love you...

CHANCELLOR SEBASTIEN CHAMPION
June 3, 1996 - October 15, 2008

We have a tooth...

2008-10-04T05:25:00.000-07:00

Holy Schnickey batman... we finally after 13 months of waiting. (Really 6 months of waiting) we have 1 tooth. My son is no longer the toothless wonder. His top left tooth popped through on Monday. We had no signs it was happening except for his nap schedule got all screwy.

That's one worry off my mind now... my son won't be toothless forever. I spoke to various pediatricians I work with who all reassured me that he would eventually get his teeth, but when it goes by month after month and no teeth you kind of start to wonder. When coworkers look at you like you've grown another head when you say - sorry no teeth yet.

In other news his grandmother just had surgery and is having to use a walker... apparently it was a more in depth surgery than previously thought. Here's hoping she's back up and around to chase after Squeaker. I know my FIL would really like her to be back up and around as we all would.

What A Wonderful Four Years It Has Been...

2008-09-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

Four years ago today I married my husband. Over the last four years we've managed to survive and thrive in spite of living apart our first two years of marriage, ten miscarriages, an infertility work up and then the joyous birth of our son.

Granted this year has probably been the best because we were finally where we wanted to be... we became parents and I found that I loved my husband even more because of what a great father he is. Who knew that he could become more attractive.

The bottom line... I would do it again. I would marry my husband in a heartbeat. He is my partner, my friend, my lover, the father of my child... and he is the best man for me.

Happy anniversary my love...

12 Month Stats

2008-09-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Right now Squeaker is being told NO in response to trying to pull books out of the book case. He and his father are having quite the conversation in regards to that book case.

Today was Squeaker's 12 month well baby visit. Here's his stats in case you care.

Weight 19 lbs 10 oz
Height 29.5 inches long

He's managed to stay consistently in the 10th percentile for weight and 25th percentile for height. His melon is of course 90th percentile. I just think he's going to have a big brain.

He's managed to take 5-6 steps at a time on his own terms of course. He babbles on his own terms. The pediatrician was pleased with his development.

His birthday party involved carrot cake for baby and ice cream cake for adults. He ate some of the carrot cake and some ice cream cake... of course he then puked 3 times. Needless to say we'll be waiting on the cake for a little while before trying it again.

My mom had a mini meltdown after all the guests were gone and it was just the in laws, my mom and us. I blame my in laws... will post later about that.

Ultimately the party went well. Food was fabulous and we are happy to say our little boy is now a year old.

What A Year It Has Been...

2008-08-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

A year ago Squeaker came into our lives and we haven't looked back. Looking forward our future is bright and happy and filled with this laughing, giggly, bowl of joy.

Having a baby does change your life. For the better. Infertility may have left scars, but they are at the moment scarred over and thought of infrequently and late at night generally when I'm looking at my son's sweet head and thanking my lucky stars.

Life truly is beautiful. Happy Birthday Squeaker... may this year be better than the last for you... may you continue to grow and challenge us and make us smile down to our toes. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

I take back all the bad things I've said about you...

2008-08-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

Okay I lied I'll take back most of the bad things I've said about a doc I work with, but that's only because he gave me an awesome recommendation for an eye doctor for my mom.

Last year in October my mom was supposed to have cataract surgery. The day came and the surgeon (a different one than originally planned) says no I won't do your cataract surgery as you have Fuchs dystrophy. Granted the spelling my mom came up with "I have F u c * dystrophy". Her response once she realized she was spelling it wrong was quite comical. The surgeon put the fear of God into her and had her thinking she would go blind in a week based on what he had to say. If you recall last year I was quite post partum at the time and not able to fully deal with this issue the way I would normally.

So fast forward to May when I finally got around to setting up an appointment with a new eye MD and found that we couldn't get in until August. No problem Mom's eye sight has remained stable although she has not been able to read her murder mysteries like she would like to.

Yesterday August 5th was the appointment. The recommendation for this doc was from one of the docs I work with... he's a bit of a challenge to work with at times - bipolar, pita, at times. Ultimately a wonderfully skilled physician that can be a bit of a pita when he wants to be. However he's also one of the most honest and will give an honest opinion when asked - so I asked him for a recommendation and he suggested a particular group and specifically this particular doctor. Off we went, I had low expectations. I hoped that my mom would not be diagnosed with Fuchs but if she was so be it. The idea of a corneal transplant was not my idea of a great time since I would need to take off work to take care of her and the baby. Not ideal and purely selfish on my part. Also the whole genetic component that it's passed along not high on my list of things I want to worry about.

The appointment went well. My mom does indeed have Fuchs but it's a moderate case. Her cataracts will eventually need to be operated on, however this doctor would like to wait and reevaluate 9 months from now as he feels if she implements some of the tricks he's suggested in how to live with Fuchs. My mom went from being ADAMANT that she would have her cataracts removed in a few weeks to - okay with not having them treated. Once it was explained that the cataract surgery may push her over the little ledge she is standing on and would mean she would then probably have to have the corneal transplant. It was a light bulb moment. It also was refreshing to see my mom back down in her thoughts and actually listen to what a doctor had to say.

In the future I'll be going with my mom to all her eye doctor appointments. I think it's in everyone's best interest to do so.

So many things to do...

2008-08-02T05:09:00.000-07:00

Eleven months and a few days... that's how old my son is. In twenty-nine days my son will be a year old.

I've neglected my blog... and I'm sorry for that, but to be honest it was so much easier to write when things were not quite right. Now that I reached what I was striving for - to have a child, well I find I can't complain. It's not that I don't have things to complain about it is more that it is hard for me to do so.

I could gripe about work, about lack of sleep, lack of labido, etc - but really I am happy and that is something I can not find in my heart to complain about. There are too many things to do for me to take a moment and say get a load of this. My internet usage has significantly decreased as my son's mobility has increased. It's quite comical if you think about it because a year ago I thought I would have all these wonderful things to say, but really it's hard for me to not make this into a mommy blog and I'm not sure I want to. I'm not in the trenches anymore... I'm off the island and while infertility still is a part of who I am, it's just a bit different now and I haven't quite reconciled how to combine the two worlds... being a mom and being infertile.

I've learned something though... being open about my struggles has allowed others to be open. Coworkers who struggle or are just starting to navigate the path of infertility can talk to me about clomid, injectables, etc and I'm able to be there for them in a way that those who had no difficulty are not. That's the part that matters. I can listen and say I've been there before... maybe it was a bit different than the place you are at right now, but I do understand...

Happy Birthday to me...

2008-06-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

Curled up next to me is the best birthday gift ever... who is currently sleeping.

Now if only he also came with diamond earrings a girl would be in heaven :D

*Highly doubt I'll be getting those earrings, but a girl can dream right?

The Day Before My Birthday...

2008-06-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

It is just after midnight and I'm looking back on June 15th and what it means to me... Since 2005 this has not been a day I think of fondly... This is the day that started it all. This is the day that left me reeling, trying to find my footing and trying to make sense of what seemed impossible. This is the day that brought me to my knees not once, but twice.

But this is also the day that started my search - granted the first search was for "ectopic pregnancy" and "methotrexate side effects" and all of that, but it lead me to blogs and eventually on July 7th, 2005 this blog became what it is. That was when we only had 3 dogs -rather than 6. Ahh the 3 dog household what a difference 3 more makes..

This blog became what it is because of June 15, 2005. One day before my 27th birthday... this was before we had multiple miscarriages, before we had been to an RE, before we had even thought it would take 2.5 years and 12 pregnancies to have our son... this was the day I thought I was going to just have a simple d/c and instead found out we had an ectopic pregnancy. This is the day that repeated in 2006 and found us with yet more awful news... and it found us last year huddled under the covers not doing anything - no doctor's appointments, just us at home with a doppler listening to Squeaker who was then the Not Negative... We did not reclaim this day last year, but this year damnit it is going to be reclaimed.

I am done looking at the calendar and seeing June 15th and feeling dread. Yes, this day is something I will always remember my losses on, but it doesn't hold the power that it once did. I need to reclaim it so that I can reclaim my birthday. Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday rather than dread it and this year more than most I think I deserve that. So - since it is Father's day today and my husband is now a father we're going to celebrate the day at least the afternoon as D has to work tonight. Squeaker and I are not going to huddle in our beds with the cover over our head... we're going to go out and we're going to enjoy ourselves. I may take a few moments like now to remember those losses and to be sad, but I won't barricade myself away from the world and I won't dread my birthday. This year the wounds are healed- still scarred, but no longer fresh and gaping... and we have Squeaker to thank for that. He's healed those wounds without even trying.

I'm reclaiming June 15th... I'm going to celebrate my husband's first Father's Day as a father and I'm going to hug Squeaker like he'll always be small... and I'm going to remember those pregnancies that did not come to be... but I'm not going to hide anymore on the 15th of June... it's time to reclaim it as the day before my birthday rather than as something awful and horrible. Because I am strong... and I have already walked through the fire and while I was burned and bloodied, I came out the other side and there's this little person who needs me to be strong.

Nine Months...

2008-05-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

If you were to look back nine months you would have seen me... pregnant... working... totally oblivious to the obvious fact that I would soon have a child. I didn't believe it. I felt as if I was getting ready for something that was imaginary. Needless to say reality hit at 11:09 a.m. on the 31st of August 2007. It was one of the best days of my life... the other best day of course was marrying D my wonderful husband...

I don't want to make being a mom this romanticized version because there are times when it's hard. There are times when I wonder what the hell was I thinking. There are moments when I don't want to pump breast milk at work or nurse at night and there are times when I wish Squeaker would be soothed or comforted by D or Grandma or anyone else but me... but those moments are few and far between and are not my reality most days.

The last few weeks have been hard... Squeaker managed to get crawling down pat, pulling himself up on objects and sitting upright unassisted all in a week and that meant his sleep cycle got all wonked up. He was half waking up in the middle of the night by sitting himself upright and crying with eyes closed. It was difficult to soothe him back to sleep and it was downright frustrating to watch it happen. Laying him down just resulted in him popping right back upright as if to say "See mom look at my new trick." Needless to say we are happy to be past that little bump in the road. We still have not managed to get the Squeaker into his crib... and I so don't know when that will happen... we talk about it and then forget to follow through.

The past week he's also finally gotten a taste for solid food. We've also learned he'll eat solids, just not if given by me. So D or my mom are the token feeders... he lays eyes on me and he wants the boob none of this real food crap. For them he's a baby bird with his mouth open... for me he's a mouth closed not getting anything but a boob or a bottle past these lips.

The past nine months have flown by... my in laws visited this past week as D turned 30 on Monday - sorry I forgot to post my loving post to him... but I did wish him a happy birthday and bought him a wonderful vacuum cleaner (he wanted it and it was horribly expensive) for his birthday. They are already talking about his first birthday... I can't even imagine that, but know that it will happen and soon... but for now I have 3 months to think about that and I can savor those three months... and just enjoy my little baby boy who isn't so little anymore...

This weekend my nephew will be competing in the Odyssey of the Mind competition and will be carrying a picture of Squeaker as his good luck charm... when I took the picture of him in his "lucky and charming" t-shirt and printed it I was shocked... Shocked by just how much he looks like my dad. The facial expression was the same as my dad and that was eerie. Others have mentioned that he looks like me, but then if you look at images of my dad you truly see just who he looks like... Excluding the blue eyes of course those are all D.

My coworkers call him "petite" granted they all gave birth to mammoth elephants in comparison with my little mouse, but he's perfect just the way he is... So here is my miracle... my son... my Squeaker who truly lights up my days and sometimes my nights :D

Cloth vs Disposables

2008-04-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Dino D you have not suddenly gone senile - those are indeed disposables. We're still using cloth about 50-75% of the time. However when out and about we use disposables and also on travels we use disposables. Life is just a bit chaotic for me to use cloth when we go on road trips and fortunately our road trips are so infrequent that we just don't need to learn to travel with cloth.

I'm more of a bumgenius girl than a prefold girl... though I am slowly getting better at the prefolds. We generally use the bumgenius most days and my mom is definitely more into the bumgenius than the prefolds. I'm thinking of buying some fitteds to switch things up. So yes we're still doing cloth - just not in that particular picture :D

Come on baby - Do the

2008-04-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

Fill in the blank- Locomotion.

We now have locomotion... movement... forward propulsion. We also have sideway and backwards and while it's not pretty or speedy we do have movement. He can get from point A to point B. Also if you watch closely you see nothing... it's when you look away - bam he's in another spot. Little stinker is shy about his accomplishments. It's great fun to see him grow and change right before our eyes.

We still have no teeth, though we have a ton of drool to go with absolutely nothing.

We do have a fence now... so I will not have anything to complain about for quite a while. A fence - how the hell did we survive without a fence? It has enriched our lives in ways that are too numerous to name.

Work is still crazy. D's work is still crazy. Life is just going by so quickly and taking the time to stop and smell the roses is something I force myself to do frequently... granted the roses I'm smelling is Squeak, and sometimes he definitely doesn't smell like roses. But he's mine and that's the part that I thank my lucky stars every day for...

Life before him was definitely boring and missing something. I knew there was a reason why we kept trying. Knowing the reason while it doesn't make all our losses go away... it makes them easier to bear.

We Survived!

2008-04-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

The baptism on the 6th of April with minimal meltdowns... though taking 6 dogs in 2 cars helped us significantly and nursing an infant while husband is driving the car is something I thought I would never do - thankfully the dachshunds did allow me some leg room to climb in back so I could be near Squeaker or we would have been so SCREWED.

Lets see to start things off on Wednesday the 2nd of April I was woken by D saying - "Honey, I think we have to take Blue to the vet." Apparently Pepper in her infinite wisdom somehow managed to do something to Blue's eye - he came in from playing outside with a puffed up eye that he wouldn't open. The dog looked awful. I on no sleep and a friend took the 2 mangy mutts to the vet and learned Blue had scratched his cornea and would need 10 days of antibiotic drops. Wrestling a 50+ lb dog to put eye drops in 3 times a day was not high on my list of things to do. However within 2 days of starting the drops Blue no longer looked like he needed an eye patch to go anywhere.

Friday the 4th we gathered up all our supplies, foisted 2 dogs (Meg and Ernie) off on a friend who was also going to the other side of the state and would hand off Meg & Ernie to my mom as she drove through my home town. Finished loading up the car and started on our merry way. Car ride there was uneventful. My mom's house thankfully was finished being repaired and in her infinite wisdom she chose WHITE carpet. I blame her poor eye sight for that one... White carpet??? Seriously mom what the hell were you thinking. My mangy mutts put paw prints on it immediately and yes I do feel bad about it, but have no idea how to prevent if from happening again in July when we come for a visit.

Saturday found D's parents at my mom's and they loved on Squeaker... though he was a bit discombobulated about everything that was going on. Saturday I also visited with my brother and his wife and their clients (they run an adult foster care home).

Sunday was the big day and we managed to arrive at church on time. All parties accounted for and Squeaker was adorable... the minister took one look at him and announced during the service that he could see my dad in Squeaker with the grin he was giving him. The actual baptism Squeaker was a peach through though he tried to grab the napkin to wipe his forehead with, the pamphlet the minister was holding, the ministers remnants and so on and so forth. The only thing he didn't try to grab was the minister's beard. He didn't cry actually smiled and giggled through the baptism and then we were back to our seats. He took his morning nap during the church service. Afterwards at the party he was a-okay with being passed around to various family members - including husband's mother's family evil inc. Although he did start screaming in Grandma's lap again and didn't really enjoy meeting D's uncle the slime ball. Afterward he was whipped and took a late nap.

Monday came and we stayed for a few repairmen to come to my mom's. The loaded up the car. About an hour and a half into the car ride Squeaker had enough - screaming. We pulled over, not once, not twice, but three times each time changing, feeding and settling. When he started screaming for the fourth time we looked at one another and I decided to give it a shot hopping into the back and nursing him from the car seat - not ideal, not what I'd recommend, but when you're only 40 minutes from home you do what you have to do. D says he loves me even more because that whole screaming thing with Squeaker leads to puking and we'd already dealt with puking once during the scream fest. So it was either stop or nurse. Nurse occurred and he fell asleep. He was just so OVER being on the road.

I will post some more this weekend I promise - including pictures.

Did You Remember What Today Is?

2008-03-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

My mom had the audacity to ask that question of me today. My response of - "Of course I know what today is, but I didn't want to mention it to you unless you brought it up." Was met with a brief "aha".

Four years ago - my dad died. My mom still grieves for him. With all the problems at my childhood home (the pipes freezing) which caused a tremendous amount of damage. My dad I'm sure heard all about it as she still occasionally goes to his grave and yells at him for whatever has gone wrong with the house. I know it sounds irrational, but if that's what she needs to do, then that's okay by me. A few people are hounding my mom to either sell the house or have it demolished. She admitted to me why she can't do either of those things... she feels if she gets rid of those things she's losing the last connection she has to my dad. They picked out the house together. I'm not one of the few encouraging her to sell or demolish. Yes, it would make my life easier not to have 2 houses to worry about, however I recognize why she has to have the farm and am on board. D is as well.

I still think of how my dad would have reacted to having a little boy named after him. I wonder what he would have thought about my little boy. I know he would have loved him unconditionally. I know he would have enjoyed Squeaker just the way he is and he would have embraced the nickname "Squeaker" and just ran with it. He would have spent hours making my son giggle and grin by making Donald Duck noises and by just being a Grandpa to him. I know that my dad would have taken my son out for a day and brought him back filthy from head to toe, but he would have bathed him and gotten him ready for bed and just enjoyed letting him be a little boy.

So today I told my son about his Grandpa... and told him that he's up in heaven, looking down and protecting him... Squeaker grinned at me and snuggled up with me. For just a moment I felt close to my dad again... I hadn't felt that way since the night he died... when the police officer told me to "drive carefully" and gave me a speeding ticket... It was one of those moments that I knew my dad was with me... and he was with my son. It wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but it would have to do.

Below is my son... 6 months of age... he's got the best smile, just like his Grandpa had.

What a difference a year makes...

2008-02-21T23:42:00.000-08:00

I had every intention of putting up this post up on February 14th, however the broken toe, turkey incident shadowed that.

A year ago on Valentines day we seen for the third time the Not Negative... with his little heart beating, measuring on track body, sitting in the right place we were both excited and terrified. Every week we were panicky and scared that something would go wrong. Last year on Valentine's day I had 2 appointments - one with the RE and one with my OB... two totally different worlds.

The RE world - where they recognize that things don't always come easy and don't look at you as if you're nuts or paranoid for being anxious. Such a calming place to go as they "got" what we were feeling. The OB's office where things are taken a bit for granted. Where I was actually asked if I had 11 kids at home... where D wanted to have a gun so he could shoot someone so they would quit asking STUPID questions. Where I was given a purple folder with preregistration information at my 1st appointment... Never did fill out that preregistration stuff - WHOOPS.

Eventually we began to just see the OB and the stupid questions quit being asked. However I still remember all the appointments where my OB kept giving me the look of "relax already" and I wanted to punch him or at least kick him in the knee for giving me those looks. Then after Squeaker was born and the recap he had to shrug and say "We just don't know why PPROM occurs... and yes you are risk for that to happen again."

The year has been so wonderful on so many levels... and I am so thankful that I was able to have the lovely blog world be with me through that journey to motherhood... I do not say this often enough, but thank you for supporting me through all the crap I've been through. It has helped a lot - more than you know.

I'm not a social butterfly - I have only few friends. I haven't gotten "out there" to make new friends. D and I both are home bodies and we're okay with that. However there are times when I miss having close friends here near where I live... fortunately I can almost always get online and feel connected again to my internet friends and my friends in real life who now live far away. My coworkers are nice people, but I don't get invited to go out with them... and I don't feel included most of the time in the inner circle. Some days that's a great thing... other days it just makes you feel as if you're an outsider. I think for the most part i keep people at work at a distance- work is work and when I leave work I leave work. Yes, some of my patients will forever leave marks on my soul, but work does not own my soul and that I think is healthy for both me and my sanity.

I started this blog after having an ectopic and a d/c... since then many things have happened. All the emotions have been experienced and you have been able to watch me work through them. I am so very thankful for my internet/blog friends. I even sometimes feel like the popular girl - you know the one... the one you hated in high school - or is that just me who hated the popular girl in high school? Anyway I get to feel the love and not worry about what people think and that is a nice thing.

Fortunately Squeaker makes me feel as if I'm queen of the world and can accomplish anything. He's truly a happy little boy who is just a barrel of fun.

What Does A Frozen Turkey Have To Do With This?

2008-02-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

What does a frozen turkey have to do with anything???

Well when that meets a cement floor and manages to land on your foot it generally is not a good thing.

Last night I decided that I was going to attempt some cleaning of our basement. First - me and cleaning are not a good combination. When I finished up my maybe 15 minutes of cleaning I decided I had better find the frozen chicken for dinner. We have 2 freezers. I started digging through the chest freezer and had to move some items including 2 turkey breasts in a bag. I picked up the turkey breasts and continued digging. The bag broke sending 1 turkey onto my left foot and the resounding thud and my resounding moan sent D running to the basement. He wasn't sure if I fell, something fell, or what but he came running. He calmly picked up the turkey and then helped me up the stairs. We looked at my toe and it was already black, blue and bloody. We cleaned it up a bit and I debated should I go the urgent care... could it be an open fracture? Would I need antibiotics?

After a bit of debate as Squeak had just fell asleep and the roads were shitty we decided it was best to go and get it checked out.

Five hours later - yes FIVE hours later I am missing a toenail and have 4 stitches and a beautifully bruised toe and yes it is an open fracture, so I made the right decision to go and get it checked out.

Oh yes and to top off this week on Sunday when my mom got home to her house the pipes had burst. So we've been dealing with the insurance issues and my mom's nerves as well in regards to the house, etc. She told D that she had to take a nerve pill yesterday because of the way the cleaners are cleaning her house. She'd rather have the tools and clean it herself. So my week has been fun - how about yours?

Oh yes and we haven't told her yet about the toe... I'll tell her tonight. So if you hear yelling it's my mom. Maybe I'll slip her a "nerve" pill?

We've Come So Far...

2008-01-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been so long. I'd love to say I've been galavanting around the countryside, however that would be a lie. I'd like to say I was just too busy but that would probably be an exaggeration as well. Truthfully I've just been reading blogs, working, and taking care of SD.

Before SD was born I dreamed we would have this great breastfeeding relationship. That it would work wonderfully. I went to a class on breastfeeding and felt prepared for what was to come. My coworkers told me stories, gave suggestions, etc. Then he was born and instead of a full term infant I had a preterm white boy who was so whimpy even the lactation consultants were saying "pump... pump... pump". We spent the first 3 days having nurses on our ass about blood sugars and a physician even threaten if he continued with the low blood sugars that he would end up in the special care nursery. I resorted to formula at that point and continued to deal with the sleepy baby.

We came home and I would try for 15 minutes to get him to latch and stay awake. We tried with a nipple shield. Then I'd pump for 15 minutes... every 2-3 hours around the clock.

The next day we went to the pediatrician, were diagnosed with jaundice and it just seemed to get worse. My nipples felt like they were going to fall off and two days later I went to the lactation consultant. The lactation consultant took one look at my nipples and said those are off limits to SD for at least a week. I had been using too much suction with the pump and SD's latch was making mince meat of my boobs. It was less than glorious to be sure. I felt like an utter failure.

The next week we went back to the LC and we tried and managed to only suck about 13 cc. We continued to try and breast feed, but at that point I was resigning myself to becoming an exclusive pumper rather than an exclusive from the tap. We went each week and he was improving, but at that point the nurse in me was kicking in and I became obsessed with just getting him to take the amounts that the doctor wanted him to take in. So at 6 weeks when he finally managed to take close to a feed in at the LC I tried... and failed to get him back to the proverbial boob. I then gave up. We nursed if I was tired and he was tired and we were in bed. Otherwise I'd be hooked to the pump and D would feed.

By the time I went back to work at 12 weeks we were nursing maybe 2 feeds a day. At 16 weeks we finally had gotten it figured out. We were nursing maybe 95% of the time. Now when I'm off it's still about 95% sometimes 100%. I still pump at least once a day as I produce way more than he takes in and I'm just too uncomfortable to not pump, but it truly is amazing to think how far we have come.

I tried to donate my breastmilk to a local milk bank and was turned down... considering I have about 16 liters in my freezer right now I'm a touch heartbroken that I cannot donate because I take zyrtec and prilosec... which are considered safe for breastfeeding, but when donating they have stricter regulations. I'm investigating whether or not I can switch to a nasal spray for my allergies and stop the meds for gerd but have not truly put forth the effort.

Ultimately breastfeeding did not go how I imagined it would... I had all those dreams of it working so easily and when that didn't happen I was heart broken. I was devestated that I couldn't make it work. Now that it is working I think of how far we've come.. and how hard it was to get here. I wish that it would have been easier, but I'm glad that I finally arrived.

To Blog or sleep???

2008-01-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry sleep wins out every time...

I'm still trying to acclimate to working again. I just finished a 6 day stretch and wow am I tired. My mom went back to the other side of the state to take care of things and well I had a migraine today - fortunately Squeak is a-okay with a day in kind of thing. However eventually I need to get my act together and go grocery shopping and actually cook something other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This is what my life has become and I'm okay with that to a certain extent. I hate the bone aching fatigue I have after working 6 nights in a row... However I don't know how to work anything different. I also feel even worse if I do break the stretch up so where oh where is my magic millionaire so I don't have to work.

In Squeak news - he's so much fun and quite a little character. He still hates his crib with a fiery passion to sleep, but he does sleep in his snuggle nest for 6 hours at a stretch so I really can't complain. He survived his 4 month shots without too much crankiness. He's found his toes which is great fun to watch.

Right now I need to run and deal with whiney dachshunds that are becoming increasingly whiney. I wish they wouldn't do that. We apparently have progressed to crying. Must run now... know that I'm reading if not commenting.

2007 in Review

2007-12-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Let me just say - 2007 was so much better than 2006. I mean click here 2006 was definitely a less than stellar year. We had high hopes that 2007 would be much better. Fortunately we were right that it was better. In so many ways...

January 2007
- Chance continued to recover from his wounds
- We proved we can accomplish just about anything by taking a road trip with 6 puppies and 4 adult dogs in 1 car.
- Treatments were stopped yet still did progesterone after ovulation... had a positive pregnancy test at 12 dpo and then of course had bleeding to start pregnancy number 12 off with a bang.
- Beta of 84 then 48 hours later 207 - that's interesting
- Puppy trainers - yeah not really successful, but we spent a whole wad of money on it...
- More bleeding which resulted in an u/s that amazingly showed an intrauterine pregnancy... with appropriate growth

February 2007
- Puppies first snow
- Ernie destroys his kennel
- Ernie gets bit by Megan and ends up with a ear wound that creates quite the bloody mess.
- U/S shows a heartbeat with appropriate growth
- Emmy went to her new home
- Louie went to his new home
- Jodi went to her new home
- We were down to 3 puppies and 4 adult dogs
- Car accident leading to yet another u/s.
- OB's office went into high speed gear while D and I back pedaled...
- Asked the question is this your first pregnancy - no 12th - oh you have 11 kids??? Idiots galore!
- Coming out to people at work
- Continuing good u/s...
- Aunt Alice passes away... leaving behind Uncle Howard

March 2007
- Released from the RE
- Dog visits to the vet continue
- PIO was stopped
- Heartbeat found via doppler
- Passed the nuchal
- Bert becomes Grayson Albert and has a new home with a fellow infertile...

April 2007
- Feel like a fraud about pregnancy still spend the time thinking it's not going to work out.
- get outed at an EMS conference
- nuchal screen shows 1:10,000 risk of trisomies WOOHOO

May 2007
- Puppies get spayed/neutered
- Find out a good friend is having a girl - we are days apart due date wise
- A puppy play date with Gray's new owners was enjoyed by all

June 2007
- for the first year in 3 years nothing bad happened in regards to pregnancy
- had the u/s that told us what the NN was and found out that it was a stinker and would not show off the heart - fortunately a peds cardio guy took a look for me... and all was fine.
- My mom's dog Sadie is put to sleep... and crosses to the Rainbow bridge
- spent some more time at the vet
- got in a nasty argument with my mil... fun fun fun

July 2007
- car ride with 6 dogs
- Baby shower
- Dino D and Jill welcomed their daughters into the world :D
- passed the GD screen
- repeat u/s shows the NN heads up rather than heads down and heart is checked once again all good

August 2007
- rearrange our bedroom for SD to show up
- NN still head up rather than heads down
- Washing machine on the fritz but fixable without having to pay for it YAY!
- fatigue fatigue fatigue
- Surprise my water breaks and Squeak is born via c-section at 35 weeks 5 days

September 2007
- We bring Squeak home - a lazy white boy who doesn't want to eat
- breastfeeding woes
- loving our new son
- settling in as a family
- work friend has her baby girl weighing it at a whopping 9 lbs 3 oz OUCH

October 2007
- Ernie is a jealous pup
- Lola thinks Squeak is hers
- Continuing with the breastfeeding saga

November 2007
- go back to work and it's the same old
- breastfeeding begins to actually work
- Synagis is started for RSV protection
- My mom moves in and becomes the nanny
- friend's baby girl turns 1

December 2007
- breastfeeding is hard work
- pumping at work even harder
- 1st Christmas with Squeak is fabulous even though both D and I have to work
- Chance ends up getting bit by Jodi and requires stitches and a bandage on 12/28 Poor Chance...

In summary - this has been a wonderful year even with some of the downs... I would have rather not closed out the year with Chance requiring another trip to the vet during the holiday season, but apparently he has other ideas. The vet just looked at him yesterday and shook her head and said "Chance you could have just come up for a nail trim you know..." He's okay, the other dogs are all okay... D is okay... Squeak is okay and while I am closing the year out with a cold it is all so much better than last year...

I am thankful...

So very very thankful...

Frustrated and Pictures

2007-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not all sunshine and light and right now I probably look and feel more like well a big fat shaggy dog.

Post partum weight it hasn't fallen off like I would like it to. So I'm of course inhaling cookies like an ad*ict. I'm frustrated by Christmas crap - in laws visiting soon... trying to make sure I've bought everyone their gifts and of course wrapped them. Breastfeeding Squeak as often as possible. Paying bills, cleaning the house on my days off and well just trying to stay afloat. I don't know if this is just the downhill slide or if I'm just finally saying hey everything isn't always rosey and bright. It probably doesn't help that I seen a coworker who had a baby about 4 weeks after I had Squeak and she is of course back to her pre baby weight and skinny as a rail. Her baby of course is roly poly and in like the 50th percentile for weight while Squeak is like in the 10th percentile.

I'm happy most of the time. Right now i'm just frustrated. Frustrated because D seems to think that he deserves a flashlight that costs $75 and I of course am the grinch who points out that he has a flashlight and also that we just bought a digital camera. I felt the camera was our Christmas present to each other... he feels he deserves a flashlight. I keep pointing out that we're saving money for a fence and well it goes downhill from there. We don't argue about it - it's more of a nag thing going on here. Have you ordered the flashlight? Me: We'll talk about that later. D: "There's free shipping if you order it before Christmas." Me: How about we put the money for a flashlight towards the fence and call it a happy new year? D: It's 75 bucks. Me: That's $75 closer than we were before.

Sounds like a pleasant time at our house huh? So I don't know what the hell is up - am I just being stubborn and a pita about not buying the damn flashlight or am I being the practical one? He's got a perfectly good flashlight. Yes the new flashlight would be brighter and more energy efficient, but seriously it's a freaking flashlight and how many does one person REALLY need? His coworkers told him that he was whipped because I vetoed a rifle, playstation and X Box 360... I offered to allow D to take over manning the finances and he declined. I figured if he manned the finances then he would see how hard I've tried to save up for the stupid fence especially since we spent 12 weeks with only 70% of my pay... and I managed to still save money and not have to hit our savings until week 12 and not have to hit it that hard. God I hate being practical!

In other news i just purchased a web kinz for my niece. D pointed out that it was kind of like the year P asked for a pink spotted elephant from Santa... that was the only thing she asked for and Aunt Sami came through that year and she's coming through again. A black bear web kinz is on it's way to my niece. Thankfully my nephew is much easier to shop for.

Fortunately Squeak is the one thing that generally does not frustrate or ask for anything other than to be fed and loved. He doesn't require a $75 flashlight either to entertain him. Yes - still a bit bitter about the damn flashlight.

In dog news Ernie is beyond frustrated... he is now unable to open the door to the basement as it has a child lock on it. He can no longer open the baby's room as it now has a knob rather than a lever door knob. He currently is sitting next to me pretending to be a good dog.

Below are pics from his professional photo shoot at 3 months. Isn't he beautiful :) Vent/Whine? whatever over...

So many thoughts...

2007-12-03T03:15:00.000-08:00

Running through my head...

Why can't I be independently wealthy and stay at home with my child? Would I lose my mind if I did that... probably.

I managed to survive my 4 day stretch at work. I won't deny that it was hard to leave Squeak at home and even harder to not call in sick just to spend time with him. But I survived. Work was horribly busy and it was nice to see my coworkers, but I would have rather been at home. Figuring out how to pump at work and not have that affect patient care was difficult... and truthfully it's hard to take the time to pump when we're busy. I feel like a slacker by saying - hey my boobs hurt I need to go pump. However I am determined that we will make it at least the next month if not longer... so I must keep on pumping.

My mom did fine as did Squeak. D spied on her through the baby monitor once he got home... I have to laugh at that because she has no idea that he was listening in. Poor grandma. Squeak still hates his crib, but will sleep in his snuggle nest for anywhere from 4-7 hours.

We did his sy*nagis shot last week and he did fine with that. I feel better that he's protected against R S V for sure since I took care of some infants with it and truly do not want Squeak to get it.

Oh more on pumping - I pump on my way into work and on my way home from work so that I can spend more time sleeping or with Squeak - it horrifies D but I don't have another solution so for now with my frequent pumping I'll be doing that.

I'm not ready for the holiday season - yet I am going to be involved in a cookie exchange... this Thursday. I have to bake 9 dozen cookies by then... wish me luck. D is working the next few days and my mom won't be back until Wednesday so I'm on my own with this one. What the hell was I thinking?

So Very Very Thankful...

2007-11-22T07:37:00.001-08:00

So many things to say...

2007-11-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

I know I've been quiet... I'm struggling to figure out what I want this blog to be. No I'm not thinking of giving up blogging... I'm just trying to figure out what I want this to be about and the bottom line is this blog is just about my life... infertility, pregnancy, motherhood, 6 dogs, marriage, cops, living with your mother... all of these things. Right now my life is fabulous. I'm truly happy and so very in love with Squeak that I swear I'm gushing... Anyway...

So this year Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends... I am so thankful for all of you that have been on this magnificent journey to motherhood with me. I will post pictures soon... Squeak is constantly changing. His giggles and grins crack me up and just bring so much joy to my life that it's hard to explain. I have officially become a sap. I'm okay with that.

So Happy Thanksgiving - enjoy your day with your families. I will spend my day with D, Squeak, the six mongrels and my mom will be here Thursday night. My family will be with me... and I am going to enjoy the day with them.

Hiccups, Hodge Podge & A Recipe!

2007-11-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

Hiccups are something that occur frequently in our household. Squeak has a knack for having them show up about a half hour after he eats. I know this can be a sign of reflux, however he does not demonstrate any of the other signs of reflux so it's not a worry - it's just frustrating for him. It's probably more frustrating for D as he feels as if the poor thing is horribly bothered by them. Squeak just generally looks at you and "hiccups".

This weekend we are finally going to go pick up the crib. However of course there have been some hiccups in this plan. Weather is a factor as we do not have a vehicle large enough to carry the crib on the inside. So we will be strapping the crib to the roof of our vehicle and praying that the straps hold because I am too cheap to spend money on having it delivered to our house. We're hopefully going to put the crib up this weekend so that when I do go back to work Squeak has a place to sleep near my mom. She seems to think he's going to be a-okay with the sleeping in the crib. D and I of course think she's nuts, but what do we know and since we won't be home to hear Squeak throwing a hellacious hissy fit well then it'll be all right. D will take over when he gets home from work of course so the first few weeks should be interesting.

My FIL was here for a visit and to bring a freezer from my mom's. Fortunately the freezer survived the trip and my FIL enjoyed his visit with Squeak and not having to share him. I learned a few things. D's dad wishes that D was in a different line of work. I think he also regrets not spending as much time with D as he was growing up. I could just kind of get that sad thought when he talked about time going by so fast. I think regarding the job - D's dad was hopeful I would feel the same way. Unfortunately I don't. D loves his job and while yes being a cop carries a certain degree of danger... I'm aware of it, but I don't lose sleep over it. I'm more likely to bring a bug home from work that could have a major impact on our lives. Which is why I'll be stripping down the minute I hit the door and my scrubs are going to be on the sanitize cycle and washed separately from now on. When it was just me and D it wasn't a big deal... add Squeak in and it's a big deal. I'd hate for him to pick up something that I brought home.

My in laws and my mom will be coming up next week. My mom on Tueday night and then my in laws on Friday. We're celebrating Thanksgiving early as D's parents are spending it with his mother's family. (Don't even get me started about that... they could spend time with us, but it's his mother's family and unfortunately they tend to always get put first.)

In bigger news - alcohol and breast feeding... I'm of the opinion it's fine unless you get truly loaded. Everything in moderation and the timing. So enjoy if you are breast feeding. If you're not - enjoy it's still yummy!

PUDDING SHOTS

1 package of pudding mix (I'd go with sugar free white chocolate, but chocolate or vanilla is fine as well and can be sugar or no sugar)
1 cup milk
1/2 cup kahlua
1/2 cup Bailey's Irish Creme
1 tub (8 oz) cool whip (you can use fat free or light)
Some small plastic shot containers or just put it in a tub and make the shots up as you go along.

Mix the pudding and milk together, then add the kahlua and bailey's once incorporated mix the cool whip in. Place either in small plastic containers or in a large container and then place in the freezer.

Drizzle caramel or chocolate on top as you serve if desired. Otherwise just enjoy.

I thought if you didn't like Kahlua you could use buttershots (butterscotch schnapps) instead. Either way it's truly yummy. You could even consider it dessert.

Not What He Expected...

2007-11-05T00:08:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago D, Squeak and myself were lying in bed and I was staring at Squeak in amazement that he was even here. I asked D "Did you think it would be like this?" His response was "No, I thought it would be awful and this is so much better than I thought it would be." I had to laugh at this because D wanted to have a child as much as I did and he never once let on that he thought it would be awful.

D is an amazing dad - though I am sure I am a bit biased. He's up to speed on how to clean all my pumping crap, feeding Squeak, cloth diapering, swaddling, bathing, etc. He does get a bit amazed or overwhelmed when he is confronted with a massive poop, but he's tackled it by "hosing" the wee one off as in his words "this is more than a 2 wipe job". He gets up with Squeak even when he's working. Ultimately I'm very lucky and I know this - I know it even more so on the days when D is at work. I'm a firm believer in parenting 50/50 and D is as well. Right now I do end up with more of the workload, but D does his fair share on the days he is off which makes my life simpler and a bit less stressful all around.

One of my close friends had a baby girl about 4 weeks after Squeak was born. Her little girl was born weighing in at 9 lbs 3 oz - so not a petite little peanut. When talking with her she has described her child in terms that are less than flattering. Colic has been mentioned. Crying, gassy, fussy, etc etc. I feel awful when she asks how Squeak is doing and I say "great, he's a mellow fellow." She laughs and asks what my secret is. Truthfully I have been fortunate to not have to employ a whole lot of tricks. It could also be we are used to getting up at least every 3 hours due to the puppies who for some odd reason started getting up every 3 hours at the beginning of June if we are home. D and I were given a DVD of the Happiest Baby on the Block and we finally watched it. I promptly put the DVD in the mail to my friend as I figured she really could use the help. She called me two days after receiving the DVD in the mail and said "I love you - She slept for 10 hours straight it was wonderful." I think she would have said the same thing to D if he had answered the phone. We do swaddle Squeak on occasion but for the most part he's left foot loose and fancy free. D when he heard how our friend's little girl was acting said "that's what I thought it would be like."

In other news - I have a new recipe called "pudding shots" that my mil made... yes booze is involved. Let me know if you want me to post it. Since I know most of us enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage and I'm pretty sure most of us enjoy dessert - this is a great combo of the two.

Two Months

2007-10-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Squeak is 2 months old... where has the time gone?

Friday found us at the pediatrician's office for his two month check up. He weighed in at 9 lbs 8 oz and 21 3/4 inches long. A little above the 10th percentile in both height and weight. The doctor was pleased with both of these numbers and basically said carry on. Squeak did get 4 shots that day including his R S V vaccine... which is a life saver, but is also a pricey shot. We had to fight quite a bit with D's 3rd party payor to get this particular bill taken care of. It was a huge pain in the *ss. He qualifies because of being born a tad undercooked and my job which is basically where all those little kids with R S V will go and sneeze and snot all over me. Can we all see I am so looking forward to going back to work? Why can't I be independently wealthy?

Friday also found D's parents coming to our house. It also became a day where I decided Squeak was going to breastfeed by golly. The boob came out at the ped's office and I was able to soothe the very upset little man at that time and somehow we managed to get through 2 days of breastfeeding. We did pump quite a bit the second day. I think I'm going to go back to the lactation consultants just to find out how much he takes in and talk with them about pumping vs breastfeeding exclusively etc. When you're used to the pump it's hard to transition back to breastfeeding or at least I am finding it to be difficult.

Squeak was a bit cranky after the 4 shots, but truthfully not awful. He's such a pleasant little guy that you notice when he's a crank. I felt bad for D's parents because the only people Squeak wanted was D or preferably me. They didn't get to see his frequent smiles, his new little giggle because if he was awake he was either really quiet or cranky. Saturday was a bit better fortunately, but he wasn't completely back to his normal self until Sunday.

I think my in laws enjoyed themselves... I know they enjoyed seeing Squeak. Though for some reason my FIL is very bowel obsessed. Squeak is quite the farter so D's dad spent a lot of his time saying "Are you filling your pants?" Where D or I would say - believe me if he's going number 2 we will all know it so no he's not and he's just passing some gas. It became a bit annoying.

My in laws are a bit passive aggressive at times so it's hard to not get frustrated with them - D's dad spent most of the weekend trying to tell me that we should buy a portion of a pig that is butchered to save money and a portion of a cow... (don't eat beef, and really do not eat that much pork)... my mil made up for that passive aggressiveness by bringing pudding shots... Let me just say they are wonderful... kahlua and baileys are just yummy add pudding and whip cream and put them in the freezer well it is a thing of beauty and I plan on making some soon because they would be nice to have on hand for well whenever you feel the urge to have something that feels decadent and is delicious and heck use fat free pudding and fat free cool whip and it would not be that bad for you right?

My mother is now officially retired. She is actually laid off and will start with her real retirement in March. She is thrilled at becoming Squeak's nanny. He's a night owl so I'm not sure she'll be as thrilled once she gets here. It should be interesting for all of us. On the bright side - D is looking forward to apple pie and home cooked meals as my mom is a fabulous cook and while I can cook - desserts are more my thing.

Ultimately 2 months... it truly does not seem like it's been that long. He's a beautiful, amazing, little boy who brings me joy on a daily basis. I'm still amazed and find myself pinching myself frequently because it feels as if it is a dream. How could I be so lucky? D feels the same way...

All is Well

2007-10-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

All is well in the 6 canine and a baby household... Or at least it's as good as it can be with 6 dogs and a baby in it.

Today I had my post partum visit to my doctor... and let me just say someone seriously needed to check me over before leaving the house. If they had I would have noticed that my t-shirt that I wore clearly defined my breast pads that were in my nursing bra. If I had known that I would have worn a different shirt. I was horrified when I walked into the room and there was a mirror and voila I see my nursing pads horribly defined.

Anyway that was the highlight of my day... or lowlight depending on how you look at it. In talking with my doctor rehashing the pregnancy and actually rehashing the conclusion I had to ask the question... "Since my water broke prematurely this time does that mean that I would be at risk for that to happen again." Now normally my doctor is very hopeful, optimistic - almost too optimistic. He looked at me and he said "yes". He then went on to say that they don't know why PROM occurs and have no way to prevent it, but they would be on the look out for it to happen a second time if we choose to have a second child - blah blah blah blah. I'm a planner by nature and while I am completely on the fence right now about having a second child as I love and adore the first child, but cannot begin to even think about having a second one when I am only barely staying above water with the first I had to ask the question. I wouldn't have been me if I hadn't asked the question and listened to the answer. I also felt that just asking the question was kind of like counting the chickens before they were hatched - not a good idea.

In other news breastfeeding - yeah well maybe once a day sometimes twice. We both are happier with the situation of pumping and getting it and both of us have to be either exhausted or starving which happens at least once a day. Ultimately we do our best and I'm no longer beating myself up about how he gets the breastmilk. I'm just happy that he does get breast milk.

We have his 8 week check up coming up on Friday. It is hard to believe it has been 8 weeks to me it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like an eternity has passed.

In funny ha ha dog news -

D is threatening to soak a pacifier (you know the ones from the hospital the s**thie kind) in pepper spray as the dogs have destroyed at least 4 of them in their "love" of these things... I think they would steal them directly from Squeak if they could. Right now we hide them - they find them. So if it's not in a drawer they consider it fair game and I'm not sure, but I think they're trying to figure out how to open the drawer to get to the pacifier. If it was one dog we could just say "BAD DOG". It's 4 dogs the only 2 that are not on the pacifier feast is the two puppies... the rest of the dogs can sniff them out. It's just plain weird. How do they know I hid the pacifier under 3 pillows?

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2007-10-15T18:15:00.001-07:00

Tonight I lit a candle for all the pregnancies that I've lost... in my arms I held the pregnancy that came to be Squeaker. Cherishing him does not minimize those pregnancies that never came to be... but it reminds me of what I did lose. So tonight I'll cherish my Squeaker and remember his brothers and sisters who never came to be... and in the future if he ever asks I'll explain to him like my mother did to me... just how he came to be and how much we lost before he came to be.

Many hugs to all those who are remembering and for all those that we have lost...

Seriously - it's been 6 weeks already?

2007-10-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

Where the hell has the time gone?

Truthfully I'd say it has been spent napping and pumping and changing, but I could be wrong. Today Squeaky aka South Dakota (DD thought you'd like that) is 6 weeks old. I of course am biased, but the little guy is absolutely precious and adorable. He's really a great kid. I hope I feel that way during his teenage years. Do not worry I am not wishing the time to fly -in all honesty I wish that I could spend more time at home with him than the 10 weeks I will. I wish we had a better FMLA policy that allowed you to get paid to be home with your child for longer... However wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which fills up first. The place I work may be one of the top 100 for working mothers... but it isn't that great.

In the last 6 weeks I have learned how to pump and warm a bottle half asleep. Learned that Squeaky hates his cradle because he wiggles too much and ends up with his legs sticking out the side. Learned never to schedule a photo shoot for your little one on the weekend - way too many people those days. That these photo places try to take advantage of you by preying on your emotions - "aww isn't that cute, don't you want to spend 14.99 rather than 3.99 a sheet for that pose?" Yeah uhm no. That pumping is okay. It may not be breastfeeding completely, but my child is receiving breastmilk and it may not be the exact way I wanted him to receive it he is getting all the benefits of it that he can. So I am okay with that. He is okay with that and he's probably a svelte 8 lbs at this point. He's gaining and that's the part that matters.

I've learned that Ernie is the jealous one of the bunch. That all the dogs love things that have breastmilk or spit up on them and that when Ernie gets pissed he steals something of the baby's. Generally a soothie pacifier if it's available... if not that then a cloth diaper, burp rag, t-shirt, etc. I've learned that Lola adores the baby and will sit and stare at him, climb into his pappasan chair or act like a prairie dog and stare at his swing if given the opportunity.

I've learned that D is a wonderful father who is even more sappy about Squeaky than I am. That watching him deal with a blowout is hillarious comedy.

I've learned that way too many people want to ask "are you going to have another?" Rather than "Are you enjoying Squeaky?" That particular question the first not the second is one I don't have the answer for. Talk to me in 2-3 years... then I'll know the answer. Right now I'm enjoying Squeaky. He's more than enough for me right at this very moment.

In a few short weeks our lives will change again... my mother will live with us and I will have to return to work. Until then - we're enjoying one another and the quite before those big changes occur. We're happy and that is truly all that I can ask for.

Due Date

2007-09-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Back in January when the first test showed up positive this day was just a dream.

Today I woke up to reality... and have been doing so for the last month. It's a wonderful reality even with the challenges this little guy has thrown our way.

He's working on his head control. He smiles (at least it certainly seems like he smiles) and he's beautiful and I'm still in awe that D and I produced this little miracle.

I'll try to post more pics soon... Know that I'm reading... not commenting, but reading and surviving.

One Day and a Few Hours

2007-09-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Then D will be off for three days...

I've missed my husband. Even though he comes home - gives Squeaky and myself a kiss then promptly takes Squeaky from me to have some "daddy time." It's just not the same as having him home with me.

Granted I felt that way before the Squeaker came into our lives, but now I miss him more... for a lot of reasons - not including that he can wrangle the six mongrels and take care of them while I handle the Squeaker but because he makes this whole parenting thing easier.

My mom and D's parents keep calling to check on us... meaning Squeaky and me... D's dad has offered to come help. D and I have talked about that and truthfully FIL would be more work rather than less and would not make things easier. He means well, but we're doing okay. It's weird having this many people wanting to make sure that we're okay...

Breastfeeding is hit or miss... he still falls asleep at the wheel. My n*pples still are sore but we're still trying. Probably at least every other feed. Half the time he's still asleep or not receptive to the boob and there's only so much rejection a girl can take.

I dreamed that things in the breastfeeding department would be easier. Heck my sister did it, my friends did it... why can't I do it? I had similar feelings about the c-section and water breaking... my sister had the regular plain jane old delivery where they had to break her water and then they had a baby. Why did things have to become so complicated for us? Hadn't we gone through enough crap already to get to this point.

So I'm done whining now... I'll be back to normal shortly. In other news - a good friend is going to have her baby girl tomorrow by c-section. I can't wait to meet her and see her parents become parents.

On My Own...

2007-09-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Warning - prepare to listen to the ravings of a crazy lady :)

That crazy lady is me...

Squeaky and I are on our own tonight. This is the first time I've been left to care for my son since he was born. I'm the only adult in this house and I am responsible for Squeaky and for the six dogs.

I know it is a luxury that I somehow managed to have D here for two weeks and my mom and D's parents here the first week we were home. Either way I'm on my own now and tonight I realized how much I rely on D. With breastfeeding still a sore subject (I'm still pumping and feeding, but the whole latching thing is hit or miss and with his weight gain we still have to supplement him with a bottle of breast milk)that means feeding takes forever. I know I'm whining here. However my time is limited by feeding him and then pumping for 15-20 minutes so that I keep my supply up. When D was home he'd do the feeding of Squeaky so I could pump. I have no idea how it will work during the day tomorrow when D is trying to sleep - should be interesting.

Squeaky has finally started waking up for feeds, but again this is a hit or miss thing so that means I still have to set my alarm clock to go off if I lay down at all because if he misses a feed then that's calories he's not getting and (yes, I'm an anal retentive nurse who is fearful of having the diagnosis failure to thrive) well my nursing skills say - he has to eat every 3 hours at a minimum. Sometimes he eats all that I prepare other times the last 10 cc is always a struggle... he falls asleep at the wheel... or he's so sleepy at feeding times that it's a joke of us stripping him naked, cool cloth etc. I know some people think this is a great thing - sleepy baby = good. It's not. I feel awful and so does D when we have to resort to this. However we'd really like to get off the fortifier and if this is what we have to do then so be it.

Tonight Squeaky nursed and nursed and nursed, but was still a starving marvin... I know how much I produce and pumped that amount so it means Squeaky sucks at sucking still. It may feel like a hoover, but apparently the boy isn't doing it properly. We go back to the lactation consultant on Thursday - he had improved from the last time he was at the breast, but still is significantly below par and falls asleep at the boob.

I love this little guy and know that I can handle taking care of him and the dogs... it just is a bit overwhelming at first. Squeaky cries because he's hungry the dogs bark because Squeaky is crying and while Squeaky will always come first it's nice when the dogs don't bark and the baby doesn't cry at the same time. I spent a good 15 minutes with both of those things occurring and two dogs following me as I tried to warm up the breast milk for Squeaky... Lola and Ernie were a bit frantic that I wasn't taking care of Squeaky fast enough...

So stay tuned... we'll see how the rest of the night goes. I've managed to survive about 8 hours on my own and no dogs were lost and Squeaky is currently sleeping in my lap. Hopefully the next few hours will go by smoothly and I survive the next 3 nights while D works.

3 Years

2007-09-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

September 18, 2004 I married D.

I would do it again in a heartbeat... he's been a rock through all the shit we've been dealt and he is a wonderful father. I am amazed and just in awe at the love and care that he shows Squeaky... I am truly blessed to have a wonderful husband... and our little early anniversary present Squeaky.

* I'm writing this about an hour early, but it's for a good reason. D is currently attempting to feed Squeaky. Squeaky is now stripped down to his diaper in the hopes he'll actually eat what he's supposed to and in this moment I am more in love with my husband than I was five minutes ago. Granted he could have refrained from saying that Squeaky was acting as stubborn as his mother, but he's forgiven for the love that he shows me and our son.

So this year's anniversary is so very different than last year... and we have the very best anniversary present a couple could ask for... a beautiful, obstinate, sleepy son.

And right now... life is beautiful as I listen to my husband laugh at Squeaky's noises and the dogs are quiet.

My hope for this year of marriage may it be better than last and our love continue to grow...

I love you and I always will...

Two Weeks and Change...

2007-09-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

Right now my son is sitting in my lap.

You read that right... my son.

If someone would have told me back in January that things would actually work out I would have looked at them with a jaded eye and said "don't patronize me." My cynicism regarding pregnancies and the possibility of them actually working out was kept pretty close to myself... D and I didn't even flinch with a positive pregnancy test... we were used to those. As the stakes were raised - it was in the uterus... it had a heartbeat... we had bleeding... it still had a heartbeat with appropriate growth... etc etc. Things still seemed like a work of fiction. This wasn't happening to us... it was just a figment of our imagination. Something bad would happen to jeopardize this something wonderful in our lives.

That didn't stop us from bonding with Squeaky while he was inside... it just made us very pessimistic when talking about the future. I spent most of the first trimester in disbelief... same goes for the second trimester. By the time the third rolled around I had to face facts that this was a possibility - yet I worried that something would go wrong. I prayed nightly and daily that we would have our son. D did as well. I had nightmares - of my water breaking and a foot coming out. How odd since at the time we didn't know Squeaky was breech. Fortunately that nightmare did not become a reality - though when I realized my water broke that did cross my mind. Thank goodness Squeaky's ass was firmly implanted on my cervix or a foot could have occurred.

On the drive home after my water broke at work all I did was try to call D and pray... pray that if he was coming that day that he would be okay... that he wouldn't end up in the NICU... that he wasn't in any distress... that he would just be okay. I didn't let on my worry to D until we were finally at the hospital and the doctors mentioned the NICU team that would be there. Then D began to worry. Even knowing the possibility was slim that he would need to go to NICU and my doctor was of course overly reassuring knowing that it was a part of the "routine for preterm labors and c-sections" added a level of anxiety that I truly didn't need at the time.

Now two weeks and change later I can say yes all that anxiety was worth it. Squeaky may not nurse worth a damn (maybe for 5 minutes if that) so we pump (yes he's a lazy white boy who would rather sleep than eat). We've been to the lactatioin consultant two times since we came home (4 times while we were in the hospital) and a third time on this coming Wednesday. We're still on fortifier for his feedings... he's as of Friday the 14th 6 lbs 4 oz and 19 inches long. So we haven't given up hope of actually breastfeeding rather than pumping, but it's been a challenge and a struggle that's for sure.

The dogs are in love with him... and we still love the dogs. D will go back to work on Sunday... and I'm slightly terrified, but also know that with all we've been through we can get through this as well and make it work.

Ultimately I am happy... and my son now needs to eat. So I must pump...

1 week...

2007-09-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

What a week it has been....

We came home on Monday - oddly enough Labor Day in the US. Feeding issues abounded of course. We were still trying the every 3 hour thing. Which seemed to be working.

Tuesday came and our first doctor's appointment. Squeaky weighed in at 5 lbs 8 oz. Down another ounce from discharge weight... so we were told to increase his feedings to every 2-2.5 hours. Yes - you read that right - 2-2.5 hours. This includes pumping - trying to get him to latch on and well you now are getting an idea of how things have been going. We also had his bilirubin checked and it came back at 13.4 so we became the proud renters of a bili blanket.

Wednesday was spent saying goodbye to my in laws... wishing D was not going to work - his fmla would start on Friday - guilt... oh the guilt. D thought he could go back to work then Squeaky decided to add the bili blanket and the 2 hour feedings and D got to see his wife (me) go I am not going to be doing this alone with the help of my mom. D agreed and told the chief that he had to be there for me and Squeaky.

Thursday came with me taking Squeaky to the ped's office for yet another blood draw aka heel poke and I asked for another weight check. He was still 5 lbs 8 oz. Talk about frustration. Lab results came back at 13.1 for the bili and we earned yet another night with the blanket and a recheck in the afternoon. Fortifier aka protein powder as D calls it to be added to his breastmilk that I pump.

Friday - 1 week old today. I can hardly believe that this whirl wind has been my personal story... today's blood test showed that the blanket is working - 10.3 for the bili and his weight at the lactation consultant was up 5 lbs 10 oz (I believe this scale a heck of a lot more than the ped's office as it's digital.) My nipples are on a rest from breastfeeding so I will be pumping until at the earliest Tuesday. Squeaky was making mincemeat of them. The bili blanket is on until at least Monday.

My dial-up is acting up so I will try to post a picture soon... in the meantime... we're here - we're alive... and we're so very in love with the pip squeak... aka Squeaky.

Birth Story

2007-09-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

I decided that I probably should try and write things out to describe what exactly happened before mothers amnesia commences. SO... below is how things went.

I worked on Thursday night into Friday morning. It was normal - nothiing unusual had happened. I was feeling relatively "okay" in terms of fatigue. I had had to go to the bathroom a few times during the night but no big deal. Then at about 4 a.m. I went to go to the bathroom and thought that I had had some leakage of urine. Again no bg deal. By 5 a.m. that leakage was pink and I was a bit nervous. So I calmly asked my fellow coworkers if they by chance knew how to tell if someone's water had broken. Everyone immediately looked at my nether region as if to see a big giant wet puddle - which was not there. They then went into panic mode which for a bunch of ICU nurses is kind of comical if you think about it.

Eventually we tried to get labor and delivery to send us some special test strip to figure out if it truly was amniotic fluid or if I had just had a sudden loss of bladder control. They wouldn't go for that so I ended up speaking with the on call physician - who advised us to come in and be checked. At that point I was still doing pretty good. An occasional contraction, but again - was it really a contraction or my over reactive imagination? I finished up what I was doing, gave report on my patient and then tried to call D. D was at home sleeping... SOUNDLY... I left a message and headed home to pick him up and then drive to the hospital.

I chose to not deliver at the hospital at which I work... if I had been checked there they would have delivered me there since we now know my water had actually broken. So it was a good thing I did make the choices I made. However it also meant I got to the hospital about 2 hours after the fact.

I eventually got a hold of D and he thought I was kidding. We hadn't had a bag packed yet as that was going to be done this weekend so he scrambled to get that done while I drove home. By the time I got home I was sure it was indeed my water that had broken and I was having contractions about every 10 minutes apart. We eventually got on the road to the hospital - still calm once we found the camera. Apologized to the dogs and attempted to get a hold of my mom to hopefully be able to take care of the puppies.

Enroute to the hospital the contractions were getting a bit more forceful and closer together - we were at 5-8 minutes apart when we hit the doors of the hospital. My coworkers relieved that I had D and I was no longer driving myself anywhere. I was thankful to have D as well as driving would have been a challenge for me at that point.

We checked in - answered multiple questions got the "you poor dear" look multiple times when discussing what number pregnancy this was for me and eventually they checked and I was 2 cm dilated. Samuel was indeed still breech and trying to make his presence known.

My doctor showed up and said "guess we don't need to even have that conversation about the version anymore since that is no longer an option." 10:00 a.m. was the slated time for me to get to the OR. It was 8:30 when they had checked me the first time and at 9:15 when they checked again I was already 4 cm dilated so 10 a.m. could not come soon enough.

It seemed like forever before they drew blood, started the IV etc, and at the time I could only focus on little things. I became a person who watched the clock. 10 a.m. was the promised land time. Eventually the anesthesiologist got in there and we were able to finally head to the OR. At that time I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes and they were definitely hurting. It was all back labor so the only positions that felt comfortable did not allow anyone to watch Samuel on the monitor. They gave up on that and we were able to get my spinal in and about 30 minutes later Samuel was born.

His apgars were 8 and 9 so excellent. He had the neonatal nurse practitioner present at his birth due to his early arrival. When in recovery we found out that his blood sugar was low and his temperature was low so we spent quite a bit of time in recovery and then Friday and Saturday he had his blood sugar checked every 3 hours prior to meals. Poor guys little heels have definitely taken a beating.

We're still having breastfeeding issues, but things are better than they were. A large part of the problem is that he is undercooked. He's going to take longer to figure this out than a term baby. We just have to be patient and things will all settle in.

We're very in love with the little man and are so happy that he's now here. Even if his arrival was not how I planned - I'm just happy he's here. He's healthy and he's doing fine. So are D and myself.

The dogs are fine - though we apparently need to produce a "how to take care of your grand dogs" video for our parents. 2 grandmothers and a grandfather and they are calling frequently to make sure of how they're supposed to do things. We should be out of the hospital tomorrow and life as we know it will definitely change. We're both looking forward to our own bed though. That's for certain.

The Best Laid Plans

2007-08-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

Can go awry...

This morning at 4 a.m. my water broke. I was at work. I didn't realize that was my water that broke until about an hour later when I realized I had a constant leak.

By the time I was checked in at the hospital I was having contractions every 5 minutes. I was 2 cm dilated, and a half hour later I was 4 cm dilated. I was having back labor which stunk. We progressed to contractions every 2-3 minutes and I'm sure I had dilated more as I was feeling much worse. By then my labs had come back - I had signed all consents and I was getting ready to lose my mind.

Samuel David also known as squeaker was born at 11:09 a.m. weighing in at a svelte 5 lbs 15.7 oz and 17 inches long.

We're doing well. Things may be quiet for a bit.

Oh My....

2007-08-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

DD tagged me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger... and it made me cry - good tears. Sweet tears. I'm apparently a sap. We'll blame it on the bottoms down child that is currently residing in my uterus. Persistent is apparently his middle name rather than David. Today was doctor's appt day and it was again confirmed that he is still breech. Next week we'll have another u/s. I think he was just a bit upset about not being peeked in on as frequently as he had been used to.

Now on with my tags - of bloggers.

A few of these are not posting as much, but they truly are the blogs I love... (for the record I'd nominate DD as well if I she hadn't already been nominated. My reasons are simple. She's a great friend. She's a great mom. She has not let infertility or recurrent miscarriage be all that she is. She can support others even when it is not the easiest thing to do... when you're in your own personal hell it's hard to stay supportive, yet she does. I'm thankful to have her as a friend. She is great at snark - and goodness knows I love snark.

Dino D A woman who has finally come full circle. A friend... someone who understood exactly what I was feeling and did not make me ever feel bad for having the feelings I've had even when hope was one of those feelings... She welcomed her daughter into this world - probably still thinking it was all a dream. Overcoming recurrent miscarriage is hard and she has done so with class. The scars may still be present, but she doesn't let it rule her world anymore.

Amy Another recurrent miscarrier who is managing to beat the odds. She is going to be a great mom and welcome Ichabod her fellow breech baby on Sept 7. We shared our fears and our hopes and one of these days I'm going to meet this gal and her son.

Mandy She and I have been real life friends for a long time... years! We may not always agree... we may not always be in close contact, but we do alway support one another. My persistent pollyanna attitude could make just about anyone turn away - yet she has always stood by and been there when I needed her. Thank you for being a friend...

Snickollet a mom of twins who has let us into her life as she copes with the loss of her love... it's not easy and it's not always pretty, but it is honest.

Thalia and Kath both of these women are due within days of my due date and both are having daughters... they both bring to the table a mix of humor, knowledge, grace, and class. I can't wait for them to be moms.

My picks are mostly either pregnant bloggers or moms. Most have a recurrent miscarriage element to them. Read their archives if you're still in the trenches. What these women have been through stinks - yet they all have either overcome or are in the process of overcoming those obstacles. Nothing in life is easy... and even when they wanted to they have not given up. It just wasn't an option. They've helped me in ways that I can not even begin to explain... just know that they have helped me stay the Sami that I am... persistent, strong, hopeful, and focused on the end result. They helped to remind me to keep my eye on the prize. How you get there is not nearly as important as getting there. Sometimes the journey is not the way you would have imagined, but if in the end you get to your destination then it was worth the trip.

May your journey be brief and not full of obstacles or heartache. That is my wish for each and every person that reads this blog... that there is a happy ending for everyone. Because damnit that's why I read trashy romance novels - they always end happily. So signing off for now - The Sappy Sami

Power Outage

2007-08-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your father in law is visiting and the power goes out?

Pray for the power to come back on of course... fortunately my prayer was answered as my bladder was really beginning to protest my lack of wanting to go to the bathroom, but it was nice the power came on. I doubt it had anything to do with prayer but we'll give this one over to God and say -"Thanks a million!"

Ultimately my fil is here visiting until I think Monday. He came on Wednesday. Jodi his weim is with him and a more devoted pup you will not find. She adores my fil. She used to adore me, but that's okay that she is all about her owner. It's what we hoped for. It's brought a side of my fil out that we hadn't seen - a very very devoted one. He loves this dog and she goes everywhere with him.

In other news I apparently have hit my own power outage. As someone who is generally fairly active I have slammed head on into the wall of fatigue and let me just say it sucks. I hate it. I'm tired of being tired. That's my biggest complaint. I'm used to occasional fatigue, but this is bone crushing I could nap for 2 weeks and not be awake kind of thing. I've been told this is normal. In the hopes that this is normal and not because I haven't taken prenatal vitamins with iron - instead going for a different vitamin with low iron I've switched to the ones with iron.

In other news - this baby is still breech. He apparently has no sense of direction and does not appear to want to move anywhere. I believe the term - "I'm comfy" comes to mind. At my next appt if he is still breech we'll schedule an u/s and from there a version and well you get the idea.

I've also kind of hit panic mode. Panic as in... what the hell were we thinking having 6 dogs and a baby. I know this too shall pass and my fatigue is not helping with this thought process. If anyone wants to boost my spirits about 6 dogs and a baby - go for. If people want to point out it is ludicrious to have 6 dogs and a baby keep it to yourself PLEASE... discuss amongst yourself if you feel this way. I need support now, not any not so helpful points of - who in their right mind has 6 dogs and a baby. If anyone has $4000 laying around to help out with a fence for the 6 dogs then hell send it my way :) I'm good that way. I'll even send a thank you card. D doesn't seem to realize constantly harping about a fence to someone looking at the idea that my STD decreases my wages to 70% of my normal take home pay just isn't helpful. I hate to harp back at him that he's no millionaire.

In other news - he fell in love with a kirby vacuum cleaner. He stupidly let the sales people in. I had to go to work. We fortunately already have a kirby of my mother's from the mid 1990's. I firmly left to go to work stating "WE WILL NOT BE PURCHASING A KIRBY!" They of course did the whole presentation including vacuuming our mattress and most of the living room, the baby's room, and well anywhere else D could get them to vacuum. So at least he got some extra use out of them. He also had them take a look at my kirby and we found that for $30 we can have it back in tip top shape, so for now... he's quit mentioning buying a kirby, but has become quite the vacuum user. Everytime I turn around he's got the kirby out. No - I'm not kidding. It's quite comical as he hardly ever vacuumed before. The Hoover now has a RIP sign on it. He's sold on the kirby.

That's what's been going on for the last 9 days - fun fun fun.

Joining The Club...

2007-08-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

As most of you know - my dad meant a lot to me... and it sounds like to a lot of other bloggers their dads meant a lot to them.

So it was with great sadness that I read of another fellow blogger joining the ranks of the dead dad's club. You know the one you never want to be a member of... Julie joined our ranks and I'd love to refuse her membership, but just as membership in infertility is something we all would like to be able to veto members, this is a club that the members don't get a vote in who joins. I'm sorry for her. I'm sorry for Paul and Charlie. A dad's death, a fil's, a grandfather's death is awful... and I'm so very sorry that she joined our ranks... My heart goes out to all of them during this difficult time... and it just sucks. Sucks is about the best word I can use to describe knowing that your father won't be there for the weekend, special day, birthday, Christmas, etc... it just sucks.

Bottoms down?

2007-08-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

For those of you playing the at home version this post will have more crap about pregnancy and less about life in general - though there is a bit of life coming at the beginning of this post.

Waking up to the sound of heavy machinery is never a good thing. Especially when your neurotic weim (aka Ernie) thinks it's "cute" to stare at you half the night waking you up at 530 in the morning so he can get a drink of water. Yes - he stared at me for 30 minutes before I gave in and got up. My goal for today was to sleep since last night's sleep was seriously sucky and I need to get back on the night shift schedule. However my neighbors or the new neighbors work crew had different ideas about this. Heavy machinery moved in around 9 a.m (30 minutes after D left for work) which sent all dogs into chaos. I hope I like the new neighbors - if it's the nice old couple that we talked to then I'm excited if it's another group like the ones next door well then not so much.

Oh yes and my diaper bag was finally delivered it's by Loom and I love the thing it's great. Now to stock the thing... probably will get on that next stretch off.

Onto pregnancy stuff...
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Seriously does SD not know that I'm more a bottoms up kind of girl? Apparently he did not receive the memo. At yesterday's appointment it was confirmed that he is breech. I called it didn't I? Fortunately my doctor didn't poo poo my questions and answered them with appropriate responses. He didn't even give me the "smile". It was a good appointment other than hearing what I feared that SD was heads up rather than bottom up.

So the plan... if he hasn't turned by the next appointment which is at 35 weeks and change we'll schedule an u/s for the next appointment. Where it will either be confirmed he's heads up or bottoms up and then at the appointment after that or at 38 weeks we'll do a version. Yes - I signed on to the version bandwagon. I've tried the old wives tales and home remedies and truthfully he doesn't really give a fig about any of that stuff. A light has been shined at my lower abdomen and he just kicks it. Some would say stubborn like his mother... I would say stubborn like his father personally. Directionally challenged like his father as well, but shhh don't let my in laws here that. My fil's suggestion of riding the cork screw at a populat amusement park was met with laughter though I would consider it if they allowed pregnant women on the things. Since standing on my head really hasn't worked I doubt that that would either.

You know me always willing to try something once!

What the Hell was I Thinking?

2007-08-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

Introducing D to the joy of blog readers? I apparently am insane and did not learn my lesson when I let him discover forums...

Forum wise he reads forums on single serve coffee (you know K-cups and pod coffee makers), fire arms, cops, more fire arms, more cop stuff... etc etc. Now he's reading via a blog reader because I thought hey that will be quicker than him surfing to the various sites and hogging my computer - cop blogs... I'm so overjoyed. NOT.

In my defense I thought it was a good idea to introduce him to the joy of a blog reader because of the speed factor... what I hadn't calculated was my husband's desire to read more and more and more. We're both addicts like that... we love information which is probably why I have about 50 blogs I read and why D now has 7.

In other news - I believe SD formerly known as NN is still heads up. I'm going to talk with my doc about versions because my biggest fear is we'll get to 37 weeks and he'll say no to it. I'd rather know now that he's up for the challenge or see another one of his partners - there's 10 of them one of them would be willing right? It's not that I have anything against c-sections I just would rather not have one unless I absolutely need one kind of thing. I've also put a lot of time, effort and money into the whole hypnobirthing thing and would like to give that a shot. The only perk I see about a c-section is the ability to plan and b) the 8 weeks off that are paid rather than the 6 weeks for a regular ole delivery. Otherwise I'm not getting the perks out of it. Surgeries and myself tend to get ugly and well I'd rather not have that occur on the day we greet SD. It just isn't my idea of a fun time kind of thing.

In other news the diaper bag was delivered TO OUR NEIGHBOR rather than to us... now I have to track down my neighbor and ask for my diaper bag which I REALLY want to just sneak into her house and find the damn thing since their kid was one the one who accepted the package... I learned this this morning.

Doctor's appt this afternoon - fun fun fun. It's just me - no D for this one as he's at work whining that the light is too bright. Gosh does he hate days or what!

Washing...

2007-08-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, that wirrr sound is our washing machine having a field day doing laundry.

A few asked what brand we have which is G E and the model was purchased last year. I love the thing with a passion and now that it is actually draining water I'm back to actually loving the thing again. Ours was purchased at the irritating store A B C warehouse... yeah I know I can't believe we went there, but we got the best deal and somehow ended up with free installation and delivery. We had been tempted by the folks at HD, but ended up at A B C when the HD people could not show me the money. If you want actual model number I can look it up for you just leave it in the comments.

Ultimately we did not get the pedestals and right now D is lamenting that particular fact as that would have made things easier to access that stupid drain pump filter thingie that was clogged. However it wasn't a necessary item and still is not a necessary item. I of course win out on the "need" vs "want" game of chance.

Yesterday was spent shopping... we landed at the outlet mall and spent a small fortune on clothes for NN aka SD and D kept picking up things with firetrucks. No SD will not have a fire truck room as all the bedding I was able to find with fire trucks on it was absolutely awful and the one that was cute was way too pricey for this thrifty gal. I win out again on that whole "want" vs "need" game.

I was able to win a diaper bag on ebay that I am excited at seeing and hope is as great as the reviews I've read on it are. D still wants a bag that is more a work bag then diaper bag. He's losing that particular battle as no way jose' are you buying a bag that's $80 to cart diapers, bottles, and clothes around - even if you can use it again once the kidlet is out of diapers for work. The likelihood of this occurring as he'd have found another bag at that point is slim to well none.

Oh - the pens in the pump filter drain - most likely mine, the change most likely D's, the hair - well that would be all the puppies including the ones that have gone to new homes! So here's hoping the next time we clean our drain pump filter - which truly rolls off the tongue - it won't be quite the awful mess it was this time.

Oh yes and the area where he was able to find the information on how to clean it was located on epinions... I can post a link once he tells me what it is if there are those of you who need to know!

Standing water

2007-08-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

Quiet - yes, it's been quiet here at the 6 dog house... mainly due to a work stretch.

Everything is fine, just life in general tends to get sucked from you when you do a 6 night stretch. Apparently 6 is my lucky or unlucky number. I've made some arrangements in my schedule for work as this pregnancy progresses, namely so that I can function a bit better. Just breaking up the 6 day stretch seems awful to me. I love having that 8 days off and that's probably why it's taken up until September for me to agree to back off a bit and break my stretches on up. I hate the idea, but with another coworker going on maternity leave shortly the numbers for working in the ICU are awful so I've switched a day here or there to accomodate that.

In other news - standing water... yes that is what I've had to deal with in our washing machine. We tried a few quick fixes and ultimately it lead to me making a service call. Our front load washer and dryer are wonderful - LOVE them love them love them. However no clue how to fix this issue as we could not figure out where a "drain pump filter" was located because the manual had no information other than "clean drain pump filter once every 3 months". It's never been cleaned. It was the most likely culprit.

Somehow D was able to pull a rabbit out of his a*s and thanks the the wonderful world of internet and forums a person who had actually located this filter - the problem was amazingly resolved. In the filter he found 2 pens, change, enough dog hair to last a small lifetime and god knows what else. We no longer have standing water and for that I am thankful. I had arranged on Tuesday for a service call to occur on Thursday between 8-5 and fortunately we were able to cancel that call. It would have been free, but that's not the point. I also called and complained to the company that manufactures the washer and dryer that it would behoove them to indicate "how" to clean that filter. We'll see if an updated manual comes out of this for the drain pump filter issue.

Ultimately I am happy to say we now can wash clothes. We now will regularly clean the drain pump filter. Ultimately I'm just happy to not have standing water.

The next few days I plan on doing some shopping, hoping that the NN has turned his little body head down. (Yes, I know we have a few weeks before this becomes an issue, but early turn is a nice thing right?) Trying to remember to do my hypno lessons so that we can have that hypno birth we would like etc etc.

The NN room is stocked full of clothes... some cloth diapers are present, but more need to be ordered. The breast pump has been purchased and is in the closet and the cradle is finally up in the bedroom so that the dogs could get used to it.

Ernie our resident doofus has healed so his paw is not as big of an issue. Also note to self and others when giving your dog a tranquilizer it's a good idea to ask the vet how quickly it takes affect. In this instance the second time I gave it to him I gave it to him 30-45 minutes before I needed to leave. Wrong move on my part. I had a drunken dog to walk down to the basement and his kennel which resulted in us walking down from the house, into the garage, into the basement and then into his kennel. It was quite comical if poor Ernie hadn't looked like a drunken sailor.

So that is life as we know it... I hope your week has been more fun than mine.

Rearrangements!

2007-08-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

One of the things we haven't done since moving into this house almost 2.5 years ago was rearrange our master bedroom. With the addition of a cradle into our master bedroom well - we needed to do this. Figuring out how to house 4 dog kennels in the master bedroom as well as a cradle and a king size mattress - well you get the idea. Not simple.

Today was spent rearranging the bedroom. We also had to take Chance to see the vet to have him cut his toenails. Yes - I pay someone to cut Chance the geriatric crotchety - "I WILL NOT LET YOU CUT MY TOENAILS RARRRR!" dogs toenails. He used to be okay with us cutting his toenails, after the Meg incident - not so much. We were able to do it in June and in July - Chance tried to bite the clippers, the person doing it etc. I'll let the vet do it for $7.50 every 3 weeks. We're frugal people, so this is something that we a) don't feel is wasteful and b) really are sad that we can't do it ourselves. However he was able to get his nails clipped without sedation this time and for that we're thankful. He also milked the vet and the vet techs for all they were worth in dog treats. I swear it was a puppy hold up - he got 3 treats out of the vet alone. Chance is very food motivated. So he has another appointment in 3 weeks.

Anyways - back to rearranging. D is a planner - I am not. I would have gladly just tried different variations and seen what I liked, D had to plan it out. So we had a diagram to go on. Ultimately we moved the bed, moved a book case, added a cradle, traded night stands, and moved a kennel and voila we have a whole new room. D is thrilled. I am thrilled and it's clean. We have filters on the vents as we've had a dust problem and we'll be looking into purchasing a hepa filter for our bedroom and S's room once we get around to it.

So - we accomplished a lot. I also accomplished washing the clothes, and putting the cradle together. It not has a doxie blanket on it from gymboree that a friend gave me at the shower. Lola keeps staring at the cradle - lets hope she doesn't figure out a way to make that her new bed!