Trigger...

The U/S showed a lead follicle at 15.5, the rest were I think 11 and 10... she found a few more. My E2 was 118, and my lining was 7.5 (I think I have all these numbers correct - I could be wrong) anyways... so that's what the scoop is...

We're triggering tonight after doing 1 last gonal-f injection... I'm terrified. On the one hand... what if this doesn't work? On the other hand... what if it does? Part of my two week wait will be me just vegging and relaxing with my husband... the other part will be me at work... and well we all know how work is going. I don't want to be an emotional wreck while there. Maybe I can quickly move to Siberia???? Or how about... Italy... the olympics just finished they could use me... pleasant, cheerful, nice...

I talked briefly with my manager this morning about the incident this weekend... I don't know how I feel about everything... I feel so guilty for making an error... and nothing is going to take that away but time and prayer... I know on the one hand I'm a good nurse... I also know that I'm on the edge of burnout and I want to avoid that... so again thoughts are welcome... I love caring for people... I just hate dealing with the crap... I so don't know what I want to do...

I do know that I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to wax my eyebrows... we're talking about a step away from the unibrow... will take care of that tomorrow... seriously folks these eyebrows have to go and I just don't have time for that tonight before work...

Did I say Lemonade? I lied...

My previous post was full of good cheer... I think it was xanax residual... or the gonal-f has finally hijacked my emotions and made me into a raving bitch...

No... no... I'm still nice to my husband and don't want to kill him... must just be idiots at that place I call a job... I had a rough night... I left dreaming that I was "Jeanie" from "I dream of Jeanie" and with a snap of my head and a flick of my ponytail poof they were gone... How come life can't be that simple... Why do I now have to find the courage to send a confrontational email because I won't see the person for about a week and a half and I'll have forgotten but let it fester kind of thing... Because folks my lemonade had salt in it rather than sugar...

I must have jinxed myself... Here are my husband's thoughts... and they do have merit...

1. You don't need this kind of stress and your coworkers do nothing but give you stress.
2. You need to find a new unit... you'd probably be 1000 times happier in a new unit just not having to deal with that bullshit.
3. You have enough on your plate with all of my family's crap - work crap is not something we need... because ya know that study that came out about stress and miscarriage... (He has to decide to start reading now... give me a break he could have picked a better time...)

Here are my thoughts...

1. A new job would mean a whole new different type of stress, meeting people (which I think I can safely say I fail miserably at)
2. A new job/new unit would mean an orientation period.
3. I'm comfortable here
4. Sometimes life is better on the other side of the street. Am I looking for the "perfect" job and not seeing that the "okay" job is just that... "Okay" no better no worse?

We'll see how tonight goes... I'm not sure how I feel about any of this... right now I just want to get through the next 3 nights... and I want to just know that all the labwork and u/s goes well tomorrow. That's about as far in advance as I can think...

Thoughts are welcome...

When Life gives you Lemons... Why not make Lemonade?

As the subject line reads... life here is more lemonade than lemons... which is good. However to get to that point has taken a long time... in perfecting the lemonade so to speak.

Right now on the trigger front is... no trigger yet. We've upped the gonal-f and will take a look around and have more bloodwork on Monday... This is a good thing. This means that D won't have to try and not feel guilty about not going to work, etc. This does mean that he'll have to call off for 2 nights, but that's a heck of a lot better than 3-4. So lemonade my friends.

Through all of this crap called recurrent pregnancy loss or as our friends at the insurance coding call it habitual aborter... I've been very lucky. Lucky in that my ectopic never actually acted like an ectopic, but unlucky in that they didn't figure it out until AFTER the d/c... Lucky in that I haven't had to have any more d/c's because truly a girl really doesn't need one - but multiples we really don't need. Lucky that I found a bunch of beautiful, intelligent women at the right time to help keep me making lemonade. I'm one of the lucky ones... I've had help making that lemonade from all sorts of wonderful individuals both in in real life and in the cyber world...

Recognizing that I'm lucky isn't easy... some days all I would like more than anything else in the world is to cover up and not let the world in... but it's not that easy - I get emails saying hey what's up... and can vent the whole ugly truth... I have friends that don't always get why I look at the "bright side" of things. Here's a glimpse of the person I used to be... I used to be bulimic and I used to have pretty severe depression - both I conquered on my own. I don't want the dark side to win - bottom line I'd be back where I was back in 1997-1998 and that girl was not making lemonade out of any lemon or lemonade mix you handed her. She was so stuck in misery that I doubt she ever seen the sun when it was at it's brightest even when outside. Everything had an ugly dreary shade on it... I got through that with the help of a few wonderful friends. Now I have many more and a husband that would not let that person ever come back out and for that I'm thankful... Sometimes you need others to fight your battles and though my husband has never seen that person I used to be... he's heard stories of her. He knows what signs to watch for... and he's the biggest helper at making lemonade. I thank God every day for him.

So may you always keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize (whatever the prize is), may you find joy in your daily life even on your darkest days and may you know that you are loved.

Thank goodness I like lemonade or we'd be in big trouble... because I think I've taken care of a truckload of lemons... only recently has the lemonade been free flowing without much effort... here's hoping Monday brings more lemonade rather than lemon's. NBHHY!

Is this a Sign?

Have I mentioned what my schedule was like the last night and a half? I had to work Wednesday night... and while work is something that is vital and necessary for me to pay the bills, it's also been a source of frustration. Things have gotten better in the last couple months... and by better I mean - I don't HATE going to work... which was what was occurring there for a while. Right now things are on an upswing which is a good thing... and I'm not hating my job... also a good thing. However my usual schedule has been screwed around with so I had to work Wednesday night... while Wednesday morning found my date with the dildo cam - seeing Larry, Moe and Curly - (yes, I know that all 3 will most likely not release - but they're still my 3 stooges so that's their names for now). Thursday morning was my HSG which we had to drive an hour to get to.

I had arranged to have someone come in early to watch my patients so that I could leave and get to the appt with time to spare. At about 3 a.m. I got a migraine... took some tylenol, and allergy meds and hoped for the best. Hubs was supposed to meet me at 0630... he left the house at that time... So my coverage showed up - no hubby... of course then things went to hell in a hand basket... one of my patients (who had been quiet all night -the perfect patient) suddenly had pain and shortness of breath... so I got wrapped into a call with a doctor and drawing labs, giving meds, etc. I left work at 0710 - took the xanax and vicodin - no relief from the migraine at 810 so I took another 1/2 of a vicodin. I thought for sure we would not make it on time and that they'd say yeah uhmmm sorry you'll have to come back another time. Hubs drove calmly and speedily - no state troopers out to shark us and we arrived at 0815. My appt was at 0830. Someone was on our side because generally things are quite backed up on the roads we traveled.

We got back to the radiology room - I had 2 gowns and a pair of pants and everyone was very very nice. We met with a OB/Gyn resident who was doing a rotation with our RE and one of the RE's nurses. I was willing to have the resident do this... I'm all about learning and I had also taken a xanax and vicodin before all this started so things were finally a little less tense and my head wasn't pounding like a hard rock drum. I was nervous - what if they find something... what if my tubes are shot... what if they're like spiral curly fries? Hubs was with me through this... sitting over to the side... Things got under way - they cleaned, numbed (why didn't my OB do that when I had the biopsy?) grabbed my cervix, inserted the catheter and things got under way... and I turned one way, then the other way... then they shot more dye through... and it was done. I had some minor cramping, but all in all my fears were totally unfounded. I don't know if it was because the vicodin and xanax or my uterus... whichever the reason I am happy that it was a lot less painful than I anticipated.

Results - they initially were concerned that my right tube was not open... however the second shot of dye showed it spilling out... my uterus is normal - even "nice shaped" and both tubes were open. So... NBHHY - as Grrl would say...

On a side note hubs had some issues - he apparently got warm, sweaty, and had a minor panic moment... he was able to suck it up and watch, but he got that nauseated feeling again during the first dye shot... and he felt bad about that. Apparently we're in sync... when he had his wisdom teeth pulled last March I had a similar thing occur... we both just are really very connected. I thought it was sweet... he took care of me the rest of the day... made sure I ate something and let me sleep in the car. We were both very relieved by the results.

On to labs tomorrow and hopefully all will be okay... if not then we'll deal with it... or trigger will be delayed a few days.... which isn't a bad thing right?

Larry, Moe, and Curly...

Larry is measuring 9.5 on the right, Moe is measuring 9 on the right, and Curly is chugging the gonal-F like it's a beer bong and is at 12.5... My estrogen came back at 74 a little low... so we're rechecking on Friday. My HSG is scheduled for... 8:30 a.m. tomorrow... so it'll be a mad dash from work to GR... should be interesting. Hubby is driving... which means we could be late.

Right now projected trigger is on Saturday... I'm kind of hoping to sqeak out to Sunday... but that's just because it would be more convenient for our lives which means it is not going to happen.

Fear is something I try not to let rule my life... however I'll admit to nerves... I started doing a mini panic attack when she found Larry, then Moe... I got a bit better when she only found Curly on the other side. This is real... this could happen and if they keep telling me quality not quantity then I may shoot myself... What do I do if this does really happen... meaning we get a positive pregnancy test (not just the left over HCG from the trigger). How do I keep it together and not fret that it's ectopic or going to miscarry or it's triplets in the time between finding out and having an u/s? I don't know. Saying I haven't thought that far in advance would be a lie. Saying I'm trying to go with the flow about all this would be the truth. As most who know me know going with the flow is not something I do easily... in fact it's damn hard for me to do. Having faith that this will all work out in the end is taxing me... it's something I don't feel confident about... but hope I will in the future.

Until then... I'm praying that things go alright tomorrow and that by some miracle sperm meets egg and creates a beautiful baby... and that everything works out.

I wish that for each and every one of you that reads this blog... that we all get our happy ending and that it doesn't take us to the depths of depression or anger to get there. That we end up on the other side... looking back and going wow that was really a bumpy ride... but it was worth it in the end. That's truthfully all we can ask for isn't it? That it was worth it?

Day before our date with the dildo cam...

How many days since Sam has shaved? I think 6... starting to look slightly scary over here. Will take care of that before date with dildo cam and of course before date with catheter shoved up cervix with irradiation of my private parts... It is on my list. Therefor I wll take care of it. I promise. A girl wouldn't dream of going into those two places without shaving or would she? Not this girl.

So... we're shooting up between 6 and 8 pm... and we've disclosed to the in laws.

Want to hear how that went? Interesting... very interesting... my fil was uncomfortable... my mil didn't say much. Between the three topics I don't think she said more than a couple sentences. I'll give a play by play.

All 4 of us sitting on various furniture... olympics is on... I attempt to get hubby to start this particular conversation - where he says "It's your baby." Gee thanks... wish I had a frying pan to hit you upside the head with. So... I drop the conversation starter of... We have some things we'd like to talk to you guys about... 3 things in particular... SILENCE... total silence...

I blinked - looked at them and said do you guys have no idea what we might want to talk about? Finally FIL says... N... and I look at him and go yes that is one of them... we'll start there. So on to the conversation about the pedophile in the family and our response to the fact that no one seems to get that what he did was WRONG! It led to me saying some pretty graphic things... Not so much fun... and they still don't completely get it... they truly are believing the story that was put out... rather than thinking hey that story isn't even remotely plausible... maybe he's lying. DUH!!!!

Second subject went even worse... Convincing my mil and fil that mil's brother is a greedy selfish bastard went over not so well... they think he's suing to "get information from the state" yeah uhmmm no he's suing to get money from the ESTATE not the state... and we're on our cousin's side... get with the program... Our solution at this point is avoid family functions - we already know we're going to be talked badly about... no birthday parties for us (Can we all jump for joy as I seriously hate the birthday crap as does hubby!) Any other familiy function such as holiday's we'll spend a very limited amount of time there... and by limited I mean an hour max... eat and run and that's about it for us.

Third subject - infertility and adoption... boy that one was a barrel of laughs... NOT! It started with me disclosing three miscarriages since the first one and that we hadn't told them about. I was very matter of fact... didn't cry and did get all pissed off when my fil after I mentioned adoption said "You know how I feel about adopting from the Asian countries." My response of "It's not about you and we don't care." Went over so well... bottom line if we choose adoption we'll choose the country that will give us a child quickest. We may even do domestic - doubtful as I'd be too worried the birth mom would come and take the child back... these are our fears whether they be founded or not... it's a worry and concern we have. So then it came to the fertility drugs and explaining those was like pulling teeth without anesthetic... FIL wanted to offer advice on how to get pregnant... I had to point out that we had that fully under control... and that his son was doing a marvelous job in that arena... was unable to get them to not think we would have quintuplets... and explaining selective reduction was just very frustrating...

All in all I had to have a dairy queen ice cream cone on the drive home... because I know that they were probably talking about me... saying "Wow he really married a bitch." Fortunately hubby loves the bitch that I am.

On the abdomen front... have had weird not quite pain not quite pleasant feelings... assume ovaries are doing there thing getting big and fat and hopefully have 2-3 follicles hanging around... ahhh a girl can dream!

On my way?

Are we finally moving forward? The answer to this question is yes. My period showed up on Wednesday - which was good. I had my screening ultrasound on Friday and will have an HSG done on 2/22. So things are underway. I've been taking 75 of gonal-f each night and will report for another date with the dildo cam on 2/21.

My first date with the dildo cam was pretty uneventful. The nurse was very nice... and very quick. I am pretty sure that's a good thing... couple things I noticed... the room was warm... I didn't have to freeze my ass off. They gave me a real live fabric sheet rather than a paper towel. The stirrups had footies... and the lube was warm. I of course had been out and about and in the wilds of Michigan dealing with snow/ice storms so had not shaved my legs... felt a little bad about that... but still haven't shaved them. Will attempt to get that out of the way before I go back for my date. I'm hoping that this follicle scan shows... a couple meaning 2 max of 3 growing little monsters...

I'm also terrified that the HSG will show I have a 90 degree bend in my fallopian tubes and that they are the cause of my multiple miscarriages and of course the ectopic that we didn't find out about until after the d/c. I am of course trying to stay positive in spite of all this, but am also wishing that my xanax script wasn't for 2 measly pills, but really a whole bottle full because god I have never had my mind race quite so much about all the possibilities... and truly I'd like to shut down for a bit. Not worry about things, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.

Oh and tonight - I get to sit down with my in laws... this time for real. We're going to get them to talk about the family issues that are there but everyone is ignoring... and at the end if all goes well we may disclose our secret life... you know the one where we've been having the multiple miscarriages... yeah that one. This of course coincides with the birth of a little girl by the cousin's wife that is a chain smoking idiot... wonder why the kid at almost full term was 5 lbs 3 oz... can we all say growth retardation? Yep these are always the people who can reproduce without a problem... got to love them... or NOT!

No Bouncing??? Seriously???

So a multitude of things are running through my head...

First thought is... boy would I like to be a fly on the wall when hubs tells his parents his thoughts about certain SOB members of his family... It should be interesting... he may also drop the bomb about our struggles... I told him it's better to give them the shock all at once rather than spreading it out... don't know if he'll do it or not- by the way I am so glad that his parents are not like these other individuals... again KNOBS...

Second... Did I mention our injectable class? It was quite comical... it was 2 couples... me and hubs and a middle eastern couple... they were definitely not of the medical profession and the husband was trying to figure out the pen... it was quite funny... The nurse also stressed the importance of "NO BOUNCING" once you start the injectables... because ya know I just bounce so much... the whole risk of ovarian torsion... my question is how many women had ovarian torsion from bouncing? I thought those buggers were fairly stable in there not really freely moveable... of course I am not a reproductive nurse... just your garden variety critical care nurse and I can't quite picture in my head my ovaries and me bouncing along and then decided to turn on ones self... however we will follow the rule on NO BOUNCING... Hubs of course came up with... so that means you on top is out? They are SO taking the fun out of this! He also just about flipped a lid when he read... Increased risk for ectopic pregnancy... thanks but no we've done that once and maybe more times seriously we don't need to try that again. It was not fun for me or for her. We only do pleasant things multiple times.

Third... Work is well work... there's a position in ER open - do I really want ER? Do I really want to attempt to interview, etc right now when all is up in the air? Not sure to say the least. I know I need to do something different, I just feel so stagnant... it's awful. Suggestions - know anyone that needs a great private duty critical care nurse? That pays like awesome wages for part time?

Well off to bed for me so I can go back tonight and do it all over again... i love my job... I love my job... I love my job... seriously it's great can't you tell :D

Rambling Thoughts...

Wow I have so very many thoughts running through my head...

First up I picked up my injectables and am now terrified and anxious to start. I want so badly for things to work out... for us to have that happy ending that we just seem to keep missing by an inch... I want this for me and for my husband... it's sad that he's becoming as cynical about all this as I am...

Second... well we're waiting... for my period to show up... lets just say that this is a long wait for me... I know it hasn't even been a month, but seriously we've got a plan... we need to start moving forward with the plan... kwim?

Third... I am not going to get the daughter in law of the year award. At least not after this coming weekend... when my husband tells his family that he can't be around a couple members of the family because they are jackass knobs who are heartless assholes. Yes, this is how I truly feel... who sues their own son's estate? Taking money away from their grandkids? These heartless SOB's that is who. So we've chosen sides and it's not with hubs family. He's also planning on mentioning the can't be around another member and why as well as maybe interject the info about us having our recurrent pregnancy loss... not sure how he's going to play that one... we'll see. He's on his own... it'll be interesting that's for sure, but that's about all I know.

Fourth - uhmm yeah I don't know what I want to do with my life... I know I'm not happy doing exactly what I am doing, but I don't know what else I want to do... I've always looked at my job as my job... and while I enjoy it... I don't enjoy the politics and crap it's just tiring and irritating and well just too too much... So I'm thinking... dreaming, fantasizing, etc...

Yep a pretty boring post but that's what is going on here so far.

I Had Hoped...

I had hoped to be happily pregnant by now... Now being the due date of our first pregnancy that ended in D&C/ectopic/methotrexate hell. The sad part is if I were to pee on a stick right now it'd still come up as positive... We - meaning Dan and I had talked about how we would handle having a baby in the winter what with winter being so topsy turvy... right now there's no snow... so our child would have been born during a very very weird winter. But twas not meant to be. We talked about it today... and we're okay... we know that in God's time we'll have a baby. We know we're frustrated, scared, anxious, and a bit terrified at the thought of injectables... and the cost that it will be. I'm terrified of the hsg... what if they find that I have tubes that have a big giant 90 degree angle to them? What will they do then? No answers... I don't know that we can do IVF right now... I just don't know that I'm willing or able to go that far right now.

I wish that infertility and treatment and diagnosis of infertility were covered by my insurance... I wish that no one ever had to go through this. I wish that I wasn't jealous of women who are so carefree and laid back about pregnancy, fertility, etc... I wish I didn't see red whenever I see a pregnant woman smoking... I wish I was naive' again... I miss the innocence of thinking that a pregnancy ends with a baby. I wish I didn't need the assistance of an RE, but am so very thankful that I have a nice one that I like and feel comfortable with.

Bottom line I wish things were different...

So this is how a crappy week ends... with a due date that is not yet passed... no baby for me, and fortunately the love of a very strong man who truly loves me just the way I am and truly hates that we have to go through this. I may have had to remind him that today was our due date... but I don't believe I told him what our due date even was... so he's forgiven... this time.

Excuse me while I go cuddle with him now.

Level alert decreased to Yellow...

Lets see at the beginning of our last discussion the level alert was orange... Monday I had repeat bloodwork including the whole methotrexate panel... the results came in at a beta hcg 19. So down from 44 on Thursday can we all jump up and down and scream and be happy.

Today I received the news that fortunately I do not have any weird thrombophilias or immunity disorders. This is good news. The other good news was my platelet count was higher than anticipated. Considering the bruising I've got going on that's impressive.

I have a couple of other wrap up kind of things... First prayers are needed that my best friend's surgery to remove a polyp goes well. She had it done today and I haven't heard word yet. She's been trying for about 16 months (I'm not positive about the time frame, but hopefully this fixes things and makes her ute a bit more hospitable and gives her and her husband answers.

Second have you ever felt if you didn't have bad luck you would have no luck at all. On top of all the crap that went on Friday which was pretty awful, we also found out that hubby didn't move on to the next step for a job he was trying for, and then today I found out who got the flight nurse position. Not to be mean, but I'm way more experienced than her... and well I wouldn't let her touch one of my family or friends. This really pissed me off. Bottom line it's unacceptable... but not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm adrift. I don't know where I want to go next. Right now all I can focus on is getting pregnant and since that's been going SO well that I just don't know what I want to do next. I know that this feeling too will pass, but boy I'm not depressed, just so very frustrated beyond belief.

I have my annual tomorrow... while there I'm going to ask for a mini script of xanax... I figure that that way when I have the hsg at the very least I won't care so much and hell maybe it'll improve my sleeping.

Level Alert Raised... to orange?

Lets see first off we may have a plan...

Our meeting with the RE was good. I say good because great would be a bit much, but good would be a little low. He's a) semi cute - makes me a tad uncomfortable that he'll be looking at my nether regions with the dildo cam... b) didn't make me take my clothes off for this appt, c) is letting me STOP charting d) is up to date on most of the recurrent pregnancy loss research and e) has a wicked sense of humor. So that's good.

Our plan consisted of bloodwork... including a repeat beta HCG to see what my levels were now as well as Factor V Leiden work up and a couple other thrombophilia tests... an HSG once I start a new cycle... and drumroll please no more clomid but FSH and a HCG trigger. Which we think may be covered by hubs insurance... can we all say YIPPEE... So that is where we stand right now at this particular moment.

However seeing as things can't ever go smoothly for me... we received a phone call with the beta results. First the poor NP apparently hadn't read my full chart - and was all happy when she said she had news. My response my beta was positive and how high was it? 44... yep 44 up from 41 - 9 days ago... so ladies while I'm still bleeding apparently this is just that irritating old bleeding rather than the get the show on the road get the hell out of dodge bleeding. She was properly horrified that she wasn't aware of that news... she called me back a while ago and let me know that I'm to have more bloodwork on Monday and do the methotrexate/ectopic panel as well as a repeat beta... so pray that things get moving on out or I'm going to have to get the shot of battery acid in my ass that I really didn't love last time but will do again in a heartbeat to get this show on the road so we can MOVE on.

Oh and to add insult to injury... I got a call from the place I interviewed... and they accepted another candidate. I'm fine with that, just wish the timing would have been better... ya know what I mean. I only have 4 years experience while other candidates have much longer times... that's understandable.. my resume will stay on file which is good and I'll keep working towards getting some instructor courses out of the way.

Okay that's it from me! Working all weekend so will try to update as I can!

A New Way of Life?

I don't know if I've told anyone online this or not... but I'm a bit overweight. I've done weight watchers in the past with good results... and I'm gearing up to start it again. I ordered the at home kit - since I can't find mine to save my life. I imagine that when we get back to our house it will be there waiting for me to start it. My husband is also doing a change of life kind of thing - though his is on a rocky start since he's having great difficulty with portion control. I've plateau'd. I've been the same weight give or take 3 lbs for the last year and a half. I'd like to get down to that skinny girl I know is hiding inside of me. I'm sure the RE would love for me to lose a touch of weight. I figure at this point I need to at the very least just eat healthier than I have been and to take control of my life and increase my physical activity.

Now to find the motivation to do it. Fortunately I have a number of coworkers that are also doing weight watchers so I can use them for support... and fortunately I will try to keep track of my weight loss... maybe if I feel better about things.

Tomorrow we are going to meet one of my husband's friends that normally lives out of state... she's up visiting briefly. He told her about our pregnancy... I don't know if he's told her about our miscarriage. So it should be an interesting afternoon out... I don't know whether to look forward or to cringe in the background. Wish me luck... I don't know that I can handle well meaning advice - such as "Just relax." or "It just wasn't meant to be." Gee ya think... I hope she doesn't turn out to be an assvice giver because seriously I'm not sure that I am emotionally up to that... and this is my husband's best friend... Wish me luck!

How did you spend your weekend?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I work nights... so does my husband. So we try to stay on a relatively night schedule even when I'm off. Sometimes this works... sometimes it doesn't. This stretch off it's worked - mainly because I've been sick. Sick as in my sinuses are just LOVING what the weather is doing - the pressure in my head and the snot poring out really are great. But I digress.

So how did I spend my weekend... well besides sleeping... I've been surfing the internet. I've found a specialist that if the new doctor doesn't know what the heck to do someone else will so that's my hold back card. I've found a bunch of blogs that are wonderful women who have suffered tremendous losses... and they each gave me hope in a weird way. They reminded me of why I keep carrying on. Some are moving forward and having their babies soon... others are still struggling just like me. But ultimately they are continuing to carry on and that takes courage... that takes guts. I'm so glad that I found them because I sometimes feel lost in this sea of blogs...

I feel like a broken record... to my husband, to my online friends... I feel like the little boy who cried wolf... I've cried "I'm pregnant" 4 times in the last 10 months... and I've had to say "but wait - don't get excited things just don't feel quite right." Then maybe a week or 3 days later I have to make an announcement... "Things don't look good." "The numbers didn't do what they were supposed to." or my least favorite... "I'm bleeding." I miss my innocence. I miss my excitement that I had way back at the end of May... I miss my husband looking at me and saying "We're going to be parents." and me believing him.

I hope that I can move past this broken record to a new one... to a new song... and maybe just maybe hope can come back to our lives and stay.

I Chickened Out...

Yep, you read it... I chickened out. We - meaning both husband and I attempted to talk to his parents about our fertility issues, but then we looked at one another and decided not tonight. On our way over to his parents house we were having a pretty lively discussion about our coping mechanisms. My husband finally let humor do his talking. "You think you have issues... we've had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic in the last 9 months - if that isn't enough to make you drink heavily, see a shrink, or take antidepressants I don't know what is." " You think you've got problems, I've watched my wife come out of surgery looking like death warmed over and then had to tell her that her fear of being f'd up was right on target." I of course am laughing my ass off as he's going through a schpeel... He doesn't use humor very often to cope, to see him actually get his feelings out about all of this was good. It was good for both of us. We love each other and he felt so awful about not being there when I got the bad news last Sunday. I know if he could trade spaces with me he would... if he could make this all easier he would. He'd agree to donor sperm, donor egg, donor whatever if it meant that we would have a child... because that's the kind of guy he is.

However we're not saints... And I have a confession to make... We both have some pretty awful thoughts about one member of his family that is currently pregnant... she has smoked throughout the entire pregnancy, come up with various ailments to get pain medication throughout this pregnancy and the last one, and well she's just awful. I also have to admit I'm jealous. I have the awful green eyed monster because she has done everything wrong - yet at the end of 9 months she'll have a baby... granted that child will probably have lifelong learning disabilities, low birthweight, and need counseling for the rest of it's life, but it's a real live baby... and I can't get to that point. It also doesn't help that my mil announced this woman's pregnancy to me the same day we were discussing our recent loss... I don't think I've ever felt more like I needed a drink than that day when I heard the news. We left fairly early because my husband knew just how deeply this hurt... but it did and a part of me is still angry with her for telling me... it could have waited a few weeks... We didn't need to know right then. We were hurting and my fil was the only person that asked how we were doing... and if I was alright. Now you know why I am a staunch supporter of my fil... he was uncomfortable asking that question, but he acted as if he cared. For that I am thankful.

My dad was the only one that knew of my first miscarriage... him and my boyfriend at that time... and I think maybe a friend knew... but no one else. He helped me through that. Granted he said that it was probably for the best... which I didn't need or want to hear at the time. He kept my secret - never telling my mom. I told my mom a few years ago. She was hurt that I hadn't told her. Now she's the only one I can tell... my dad isn't here to tell and even though he's with me in spirit it just isn't the same. Telling my mom my thoughts just doesn't work out the way it did with my dad. I just don't know that we're ready to take the step to let my husband's parents in on our secrets... maybe after meeting with the RE we'll be able to talk with them about it... but truthfully I don't know that they want to know and I don't know that my husband really wants them to know. Because right now as things stand we know I have a problem... but we don't know that he has a problem... he doesn't want them to know who's got the issue. He'd rather it be a united front... that our problems are ours together... rather than 1 persons issue. I'm fine with them knowing I provide early checkout... i don't know that he is.

So 5 days and we meet with the RE... wonder if the good doctor (need to come up with a great name for this guy) will have a plan or be stumped... I hate stumping doctors... however I have looked at the University of Chicago as they have a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic... will contact them if this continues to happen. I hate repeating things over and over and over again...

Coming out of the closet... or NOT?

So we kind of came out to my mom about our difficulties. You have to know my mom to understand how this went. Even though my mom had multiple miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy she is pretty simple and uninformed about the options out there. She told me to just relax once... she's talking about adopting twins from an illegal immigrant she knows... things like that. I know she means well. I also know I have to remind her about the unhelpfullness of these things frequently. So I came out sort of. I told her we had had another loss and that we were going to a specialist. My mom said that we shouldn't be trying so hard. Yes, I hit myself in the forehead and looked at her and said... that wasn't very helpful mom... and truthfully it hasn't taken us much effort to become pregnant in the first place. In all seriousness I needed to let her know what was going on.

Now... here's the real question... do we let Hubs parents in on this or not? I've joked about telling them... My best way of coping is morbid humor. Seriously I find it hillarious. My husband not always... he thinks I'm going to give his dad a heart attack. I want them to know so that I don't feel as if we're keeping this HUGE secret from them. On the other hand I don't want to be asked about it either.

On a weird note I got floated to another floor the other night at work and a 94 year old man asked me if I was a mom. I told him to 3 lovely dogs. He chuckled then told me I would be a fantastic mom. I said from your lips to God's ears and that it would happen in God's time. He smiled, patted my hand and said I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I told him that I appreciated that. Weird the conversations you get into with patients that are actually alert. Shocking even.

So who knows what I'll do this afternoon at dinner with the in laws... depends on my mood...

Crappy news

I know I've been quiet. Quiet because I had nothing positive to say. The run down is this...

Saturday the pink cm turned to red - spotting. Sunday it turned to a trickle... I called the on call doctor and had to go to the ER for a rhogam shot and a repeat beta. My repeat beta was 70... so a doubling time of 176.37 hours... I was planning on stopping the progesterone at that point because seriously this is not a healthy pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to continue. I did until I got the results of the beta yesterday. After much arguing with the lab I was able to get the results 41.

So hopefully it continues to go down. I'm sad, but hopeful. Hopeful because I did not cancel the appointment with the RE. On January 26th we will be meeting with an RE. Hopefully he will have a plan. I so pray that he will be our answer. On a down note... my insurance stinks in regards to fertility treatment - it does not cover fertility treatment. It covers the diagnosis but it doesn't cover treatment... it covers medicine but no procedures. Can we all say ARGGGGHHHH and shake our fists at them? Seriously come on - it made me feel better.

On a weird freakish coincidence/deja vu repeat of June I received a call from a flight program for an interview as a flight nurse. This is a very big long shot, but if you don't try you can't fail right? So keep your fingers crossed that Dr. New and expensive has a plan and that the flight program liked me lots so I can hopefully quit my job and start something I know I would LOVE!!!

A girl can dream... I made it to 4 weeks 6 days... that's a step right? Now I just have to get through 2 more interviews and maybe the next step will be hubs getting a job over here... boy have I been dreaming or what? These are my wishes for the moment...

Hmmm

Well the results are in... and the repeat beta at 46 hours... was 48... up from 24... so perfect doubling...

The progesterone results were a little low...

Both of these things are not concerning to my doctor or doctor's office... they have scheduled an u/s on 1/26... I am terrified. How am I supposed to go 2 weeks without a beta. I'd rather know if things were going belly up in Vegas before the 26th rather than find out at the u/s. We're trying not to let hope creep in. I know that sounds awful, but with our history we can't take the chance.

My husband emailed a friend of his... and told her what's going on. I never realized quite how much it affects him until I read that email... it bothers him a lot... he doesn't let on... he's just tired of the teasers. He's tired of worrying that he'll have to take me to the hospital again for a procedure and I'll look so sick again... I can't say I blame him. I know the feeling... I'd really rather not have to go through that again myself. I keep telling myself that all of this will be worth it in the end. I so pray this is a viable pregnancy... I'm so scared of the what if's...

My work is now monitoring internet usage... I've been counseled... and truthfully at the time when i was surfing a bunch - work was done, I was in the grips of coping and keeping my chin up while truthfully not liking my coworkers all that much... the only thing that kept me sane was the internet. I felt better, was able to smile... was able to realize that while ectopics, chemical pregnancies suck... there are people out there that are able to help... I told this to my manager. I'm pretty sure she doesn't get all of this... that's okay some days I don't.

Thank god for the internet! There's always someone who understands or comes pretty darn close to doing so...

The results are in...

At 15-16 dpo... my beta is 24... so again no jumping up and down, or celebrations please as this is way low and way to fragile... will feel better if on Wednesday the number doubles... so continue saying prayers and any mantra you can think of... preferably NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet... which is the mantra of a couple of infertile bloggers - I believe Grrrl was the first to utter those words...

Teaser...

A teaser... is what we (meaning hubby and I) fondly refer to as a positive pregnancy test after or during spotting/period. A teaser fucks with you... makes you get all hopeful only to drop you to the ground... I've never had one go the other way so if this does occur this will be a first for me. This is where we are at right now. Now granted this is the first time I've had spotting that hasn't gone into a full force period yet. Key word of all this is yet. I have some brown creamy cm to occasionally pink creamy cm... either way not something that makes either of us happy at the moment.

I also have a bunch of positive pregnancy tests. Now if we were innocent and not been through this rundown before we might be jumping for joy - high fiving each other saying YEAH We're going to be parents... however this being the 4th time I've told him we've got a positive... my husband and myself are right down at the bottom of the barrel going is this another teaser? Because this certainly feels like a teaser - glancing at one another. My husband is even more pessimistic about this than I am... he was hopeful and told me that I was being silly being pessimistic then the spotting started... now he's right above morbid curiosity which is where I am at as well.

You know what kind of curiosity I'm talking about... the kind that makes you look at train wrecks or tragedy on the TV even though you know it ends badly or isn't pretty etc... that's where we're at right now. I have a lab slip for a beta and a progesterone... I was supposed to do this Saturday (yeah uhmm NO) and am debating about doing this today... my guess my beta will be 20 if I go today... I could of course be wrong. 20 at 16 dpo is pretty awful... but I had 17 at 17 dpo so that's pretty awful as well... who knows this could be the little beta that could...

I pray I'm wrong. I pray I'm not going to get teased. I'm tired of being teased. I know that God has a plan for me and Dan... I'd just really like him to let me know what it is sooner rather than later. So if you are of a praying nature... please send up a prayer that the beta is fantabulous rather than shitty. I could use a fantabulous day rather than a crappy one... Will update once I get the results...