Nuchal schmucal...

Nuchal was 1.4 mm... apparently that's good. Bloodwork has been sent and another specimen will be done at the next appt. I don't know when I will get the results. I'm truthfully not even sure how they work this all out to give you your results. I'm amazingly enough flying by the seat of my pants with this one... Granted the "not negative" chose to be scrunched up for part of the test so that involved me rolling to one side, then the other, bouncing and so on... fun times.

My doctor said "well everything looks good" and of course no clue as to where the bleeding came from... He looked at me as if I was supposed to jump up and down or something... I finally caved and said - it's not that I'm not excited. It's that even for my wedding I didn't really believe it was happening until the day of so this is not unusual for me to plan as if all will go well but be prepared for the worst. Then we went over my familial history which sucks - loss at 26 weeks for M (sister), losses at 18, 24, 32 for my mother, and then a loss at 34 weeks for my aunt so yeah uhmm if I hadn't grown up with that knowledge I'd probably be like every other pregnant woman he sees who is "happy" and "excited" So he also missed Dan muttering "SHHHHHHHHH it might hear you and then vacate the premises" in regards to the "everything looks good"

Can't tell that there's still some open wounds from the 2 years of trying... nope not at all.

D asked when he could tell his parents that they could tell others and I replied - "lets just have them wait until the "not negative" is born and have it be a surprise! He shook his head and said that wasn't very nice. I thought it was... apparently he lost his sense of humor today.

Yes - 2 years is how long it has been since we started trying. I meant to post something about it after my post about my dad and instead I chose to leave the post up about my dad longer. It felt right. Both are hard anniversaries... and while as of right now things are fine here in "not negative" land... the battle scars from this war are still there, maybe not to the naked eye, but they're there.

In dog news - lets see last we heard Lola had diarrhea and 2 pups had UTI's... now we're at Lola gave Ernie diarrhea and the 2 pups are finally completely vaccinated. Lola and Ernie have been started on some meds in the hopes of preventing a wildfire spread of whatever it is that they have. One of the puppies may have a home - keep your fingers crossed. I will post more news in regards to that as I can.

So so far so good... and of course NBHHY

Debating

Okay so the debate rambles on over here at the casa de canine (can we all guess that my spanish is awful). I didn't call the ob's office when I woke up.

What would they say- is it worse? No - it's actually better, now back to the usual...

Do I have cramping? No...

Do I have abdominal pain? No...

Do I have nausea?? No haven't had that one...

Would I fess up about the doppler - probably not. So since we all know that right now if things are going wrong there's nothing we can do about it... and rest truly has not been shown to change the outcome - except in situations with incompetent cervix and a cerclage or stitch - well I'll probably just tell them at the ob appt on Thursday - unless of course things change and symptoms change etc. Until then I've got the doppler to help with my own personal insanity.

Yes - I do generally work 6 in a row - 12 hour shifts. Yes, I'm planning on continuing that for as long as I can - why??? I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the 8 days off... It allows me to get away from the hospital and remember why I work and why I love kids. When this work is done let me just say - I will be happy. To say that the week has been rough would be an understatement. It doesn't mean I won't be back tomorrow because I will, but it means that sometimes there are patients that rip your heart out a bit more... and make you angry about situations and remind you that your life is pretty good.

In other news - Pray pray pray that one of the docs I work with goes for a puppy. We (my coworkers and I) have pulled out all the stops including emotional warfare... puppy pictures... an email to his wife. Reminders that their kids would love a puppy etc etc. They're great people and a dog would be lucky to have them as their new owners... and I'd get to see pictures frequently. So this would be a nice thing... and it'd be 1 less dog.

Will keep you posted about both issues.

Well Hell...

Just when we at the 7 Dog house were getting comfortable with the status quo, that all would maybe work out in this "not negative." What happens? The dreaded spot changes colors... from old brown mixed with CM to red/pink... gee thanks.

I was able to find the heartbeat with the doppler so for the moment the "not negative" is still present and accounted for, however the blood who knows where that is coming from. I'm going to call the doctor when I get up... I worked 14 hours last night and well - just do not have the energy to do this right now. Besides I know as well as you know - if it's going to happen there isn't a damn thing I can do to prevent it other than the things I've done already.

Oddly enough today is supposed to be the last shot of progesterone in oil... funny huh. Yeah - not so much.

Why don't they market a funny farm for people like me? D lost his sense of humor when he came to the bathroom and seen what I was talking about on the tp... he laid down next to me to help identify is it me or the "not negative". Once we were able to find it and count he then said - that was the best money we've ever spent... now can we buy one that actually counts the heartbeat for us so we can quit trying to do that?

Lola - the pain in the @ss...

Lola - our wonderful little doxie is a pita. Seriously - she is... drama queen is her middle name. She used to cry like a banshee if Ernie came running at her in the dark - you would have thought that she had had her paw cut off. So - this behavior - is not unusual - a little pissy a little high strung.

To clarify this incident - she is not on any medications - except of course heart worm preventative. She's the "healthy" dog or at least she was - hence why I think her attention needly little ass is screaming for attention -as everyone else has had to go to the vet and be seen for various complaints over the last few months.

The vomiting - she has it occasionally usually it's just bile and generally it's after getting a hold of a raw hide (she is not supposed to have them). The blood was unusual and that is why she ended up on some medicine to protect her stomach. This medicine while it's supposed to be constipating - can also have the opposite effect. So we are waiting it out with the new medicine. She is again - eating, drinking, peeing, pooping (a little too much of that). D and I are probably one of the most paranoid pet owners so we are in daily contact with the vet - if she is not better in a few days (Monday at the latest) then she'll get put on some antibiotics as it will probably then be diagnosed as a bug rather than just a GI virus that has hit her tush.

Lola is fine- the pups are fine... the big dogs are fine and the geriatric dog is fine - in fact he's probably the one that told her all about the vet and lied about tasty medicine - poor Lola has gotten the rotten end of the deal as everyone else has had "tasty" medicine - Lola hates pills with a passion - so the 2 pills and 1 paste we have to give her take a lot of effort...

Fortunately she seems to be improving. I think she just wanted "Grandma" (my mom) to come take care of her... and if "Grandma" hadn't been sick herself she would have come and baby'd "baby girl's" butt until we couldn't live with her for weeks.

So - that's my news - I couldn't post this in the comments like I wanted, but we're fine... all of us at the 7 dog house - some a little rougher around the edges than others... That's just the humans.

Apparently I have NEEDY Dogs...

We all knew this was a distinct possibility right??? I mean the puppies alone have become little hypochondriacs right? Well not to be left out of the mix Lola (mini doxie) decided Tuesday she'd throw up what appeared to be blood. This was found by D who had a bit of a meltdown and yelled for me to come examine it. Now - I didn't clue her in that she would be going to the vet on Wednesday for a vaccine (6 out of 7 dogs needed to go) so I'm not sure if she read the appt card and decided I need to get out of this quick or what. So after much discussion with the vet as well as D we decided we'd wait it out and if any more episodes occurred her ass would be at the vets.

No further episodes occurred... we did take a sample in to the vet - yes I know EWWW gross... If I would have been working I would have taken it in to work to determine if it was blood or not... however am only going back to work tonight so no deal. The vet was a bit horrified when she seen our sample and looked at Lola who was being a total bitch at that point and telling all of us off about the violation of her privacy. She of course acted as if nothing was wrong - palpate the belly - no growls, no jump aways etc. Temperature taken - she's got a mild fever... so no vaccine for Lola. Ernie and Meg were able to get vaccinated.

Then it was on to the puppies... We discussed Blue's bumps - yes he still has bilateral salivary glands that are enlarged for no apparent reason. Again not worried just irritated. He was able to get his shots that he needed. On to Pepper our proverbial peer... and the vet goes "Uh Oh" I'm thinking great what is it? Pepper has a UTI... Poor thing - we of course were clueless to her plight, but that's why she's been peeing so frequently and not making it to the door. She got 2 shots and a week supply of antibiotics. On to Bert - perfectly calm, sweet Bert... guess what. He too has a UTI. 2 shots and antibiotics for him.

So of the dogs that needed to get vaccinated 6 only 3 received the vaccines they needed. 2 are on antibiotics. 1 was on some awful maalox like stuff and the 3 that didn't get their shots now have to go back next week. Lola of course once we got home started to act all pissy and yesterday when touching her stomach moved away from me... so we're watching this behavior - she is eating, peeing, pooping so in all likelihood this too shall pass. Lola is our sensitive girl - she's a bit timid, a bit fearful and a bit big for her britches.

In other news my mother not to be out done by a dog has not been able to go to work all week... Monday she woke up with ear pain and went to the doctor... Wednesday she went back to the doctor and was told she now has pneumonia. D says this is in response to the anniversary of Dad's death - in all honesty he's probably right - this will probably reoccur on his birthday as well as their anniversary.

In spite of a return of the dreaded spot... he showed up on Tuesday - NBHHY - I was able to find the heartbeat with the doppler. So so far so good in regards to the uterus and "not negative". My appt is not until next week and the in laws are getting restless. My FIL asked when he could say something. I told him "not yet." I've found that once you're out of the closet you can't go back in... and I doubt he understands that, but it'll have to do for now.

Being a Member of a Club that No One Wants to be a Member Of

There's a line from Grey's Anatomy where Christina says "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club and you can't be a member until you're a member." Isn't that the truth. It seems as if this year there's been quite a few new members and for that I am sorry. It's not that you aren't lonely in the club, but truthfully you'd rather be lonely than have others join. Because being a member sucks - especially if you have a good relationship with your dad. I know there are a few who read that know what I'm talking about... and I am so sad that they had to join. If I could have vetoed membership I would.

March 12, 2007 at 6:40 pm will be the 3rd anniversary of my father's death. I just spent about an hour talking with my mom... she started crying and said "I so wish Sam was here." Isn't that the truth... we all do. D, myself, my mom... and a number of others wish that Dad was here. Generally I talk about that day - this year I want to do something a bit different. Give you a glimpse of what my Dad was truly like. Why I miss him so much and why I wish that he was still here every single day.

First let me preface by saying - I'm one of the lucky ones. I was given more time and fortunately we didn't waste that time. Our relationship was full, but it was not full of regrets. Dad was diagnosed with oat cell carcinoma located at the head of the pancreas, the common bile duct, a tumor on the liver as well and was given a 25-50/50 shot at living back in 1989. I was 11 at the time. We went to the mayo clinic and also then on to U of M for cancer treatment. After a few rounds of chemo and radiation he was pronounced in remission and we knew just how lucky we were as two others had been diagnosed with the same type of cancer however theirs was located in their lungs and both died within weeks of their diagnosis. I just did a search and found 14 months as the amount of time for survival on average... my dad had 15 years. 15 years... amazing huh. I may have to get a hold of his medical records to reconfirm that it was indeed oat cell carcinoma - however that was the only name I remember growing up. He had frequent checks to watch for recurrence and we sweated bullets a few times when he went from having a CT to having an MRI because the previous one looked different than the current one. Dad never once let his cancer slow him down - in fact he got yelled at quite a bit as during the time he was in treatment - when you're supposed to be "careful" and not use razors - he started woodworking and whittling and well he used an exacto knife to do those things. My mother threw a fit. However it made him happy. My dad enjoyed woodworking and downstairs in the basement at my mom's house is a chest that he was trying to finish for me... it still isn't finished. I may have my mom ask a friend of my dad's to finish it.



My dad was over the moon thrilled when I showed up... he could have cared less whether I was a boy or girl, just that I was here and I was healthy. Over the years he'd repeat those statements. My Dad made it very clear growing up that there was nothing that I couldn't do. Sometimes that has probably irritated my husband to no end, but I doubt I've ever backed down from a challenge. It cracks me up to watch my father in law be amazed at the things I'll do. Whether it be work on a building project or home improvement project, hunt, shoot, etc he apparently grew up with a different philosophy and so dealing with me causes some panic on his part. Oh the beard was for a contest - he didn't win, but he enjoyed growing it. I used to hate when he would give me kisses and be all scruffy. He rarely had facial hair so this is one of the few pictures of him with facial hair.


I think my dad may have been in charge of doing my hair that day during Easter. Our relationship was easy... I could tell him anything and he would listen and not judge. We would talk on my drive home from work before he headed into town to have coffee with the boys. Granted he probably only heard half of the conversation due to poor hearing. He tried and that's the part that counted.


I love this picture of my mom and dad... I have a similar picture of D and I at our wedding, but I think it's probably my favorite of all the pictures I have... it was taken at my sister's wedding. Dad briefly wore a tie that day... I say briefly because I think he wore it for pictures and the service then it was gone.


My dad was a wonderful grandfather... and that is probably the thing I wish the most - that a child of mine would have had the chance to meet and love my dad. I know how great he was and my saying that doesn't make it any easier for a child to understand... My nieces and nephews are the lucky ones - they got to enjoy my dad... at a time in his life when it was sunshine and roses and gardens and puppy dogs and cats. I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous that any child or children that D and I may have won't get to experience that. That all they will get is to hear what a great guy he was and that he would have loved them to pieces and brought them back to us filthy and covered in dirt and telling me all about the fun things they did with Grandpa...



So if you're a member of the club - I'm sorry. If you're not I pray that you will not become a member for a long long time and ask that you call your dad and let him know just how much you love him... That's how we always ended our phone calls to one another... "I love you and will talk with you soon." I think we both knew just how important that was. I hope you do as well.

Shopping

I know boring title, but it's the truth - yesterday I went shopping. Now the idea was that I was going to go to the ON outlet - I think all of you can figure out what ON is... big chain store - love their clothes. Well I did until I went to the retail store and saw that their prices had gone up and also that they would be closing their outlets. Now there outlets have been my haven - where I could find a bargain and get a number of items that I would be able to wear for quite a while. This news ticked both D and I off... to say we were upset was to put it mildly. D usually loves their jeans and instead he looked at them and said - We will most likely NOT be shopping here again. That was at the outlet after he heard the news. We found out that G and BR would not be affected by this switch to retail. We were relieved and went to the G outlet and had a blast - finding clothes we loved and that didn't break the bank. So much so that we took advantage of signing up for a G card which we've never done before to get the extra 15% off. Yes - I know we're such cheap skates. I don't care.

We also stopped at the baby G outlet store and while I cringed I was able to pick out a few things for a coworker who is due to have a baby soon. D on the other hand wanted to purchase a number of items for the "not negative" I caved and allowed that. I probably would have caved earlier if I could have gotten the stupid doppler I own to work and find a heartbeat - however all I can hear thus far is placenta and my heartbeat... To say I am less than thrilled and craving an u/s is to put it mildly.

On the ob front - my doctor's office called and rescheduled my appt... gee uhmm thanks. So instead of having an appt on Wednesday it is now not until the 22nd... and I'm supposed to not lose my mind until then. No we will not be discussing doppler usage with my ob... I'm already used to the sideways looks I get from him and really don't want to deal with raised eyebrows as if to say - "Are you really that paranoid?" The answer would obviously be yes I am and I don't care. Right now the only thing keeping me from callling the RE's office to say - Hey can I get another scan since my doc's a nimrod who is rescheduling me left and right is that I received a "congratulations" card in the mail... I'm thinking they washed their hands of me... bastards.

Fortunately by moving the appt to the 22nd - it allows for the nuchal to be done before the appt and hopefully that will mean there's a real live fetus in there - otherwise well we'll cross that bridge when we get there. D is all aboard this optimistic band wagon and while I'm trying I think he's going to have to carry the load for a little while. Which is fine - he's willing. He knows that I go back and forth from being hopeful to DBT's - he also knows I'm trying not to voice them to him because well hell I hate peeing on his parade. In the meantime we're doing okay. No I'm not depressed in fact far from it. I'm my normal - even keel self. For me joyful/excited occurs once we actually have a baby in our arms. Until then I'm going through the motions -allowing others to be "excited" and quite literally over the top "excited" while I stand back and watch. I'm a much better observer than doer - always have been.

For my wedding I truly didn't believe it was really happening until it happened. Same goes for a few other major life events... so this is my norm.

So for right now nothing to see here... we're quite boring in fact. Sometimes boring is good...

Of Dogs and Well... More Dogs

Tomorrow the trainers will again be coming to our house. To be honest - some of what they've asked us to do has worked... other parts not so much. D says we're going around the house being angry sheep yelling "BAH" and throwing bags of chains to get their attention. It's the truth.

I've learned a few things - Ernie will behave himself when he has the collar on and a leash. After that all bets are off - he becomes idiot boy. Barks at me from his kennel, talks back, etc. He becomes idiot boy. I of course have no patience for idiot boy when you're dealing with 3 other puppies that he has been trying to get lost. Yes - Ernie got let out with the puppies and then proceeded to take Blue to the neighbors and left him there. Blue thought the porch was ours - he's only 14 weeks old - and sat at the neighbors door. D had to go get him and the poor little guy was all confused as to why they weren't going into that house as that was the door right? Can we all say BAD ERNIE... trying to lose the puppies so you get more attention when you're the dog that gets taken everywhere except to work is just not cool. Ernie is spoiled and jealous... and well we've got to work on that.

The puppies are about 25% house trained... they haven't quite grasped it completely. House training one dog is difficult enough. House training 3 well it's a pain in the ass. We're surviving. I know there's a master plan I'd just like to know what the plan is soon. Because my supply of carpet cleaner needs to be replenished and I need to know if I should just by the 30 gallon drum rather than a gallon.

So other than that nothing to see here... I'm boring and well on the one hand that's great on the other hand it's well boring.

One Step Forward

A dear friend Dino D finally got some great news. While neither of us are the sunshine and roses, overzealous balloons etc... I am so delighted that the u/s came out okay. Yes - can you tell we're all contained in our joy.

I told D the news and his response was that Dino has definitely been wearing her bullet proof armor... and with all that she's been through that is definitely an accurate statement.

So... for now NBHHY and things are fine. I think we can all roll with that for a little bit. I know I can.

Comedic Relief...

Because as always life with me is never simple. I truly am sorry that it took this long to post an update - however blame blogger. The b*stards were making me switch to the "new" blogger and well things of course could not go smoothly in spite of my having a google account already. However I am now switched. Whether I want to be or not.

I worked Wednesday and Thursday and while plague and pestulance did not come by - I ran my tail off. I spent 8 hours down in an angio suite- however since in my coworkers words "you're pregnant" I could only observe my patient and beg others to do what I needed them to do so that I could provide care. I am not used to asking others to do things for me and it was quite frustrating. It was also weird to be treated that way... I had to keep reminding myself - oh yeah you're pregnant duh that's why you can't do that. No I am not used to it yet and not completely comfortable with it yet either.

I also found a great group of women to chat with who have had some similar issues as my own... it's nice to not go scaring first time pregnant individuals as well - my story tends to put the fear of God into them.

I tried to hock Pepper... I went to speak with one of the women who had expressed interest in a female pup... well her fiance had kind of gotten scared at the thought of another puppy. We spoke and she said - "I would love to, but I can't because I'm pregnant." I laughed and responded - well so am I and 7 dogs is just a bit too much for me. She goes - REALLY. Mind you she has a history of loss - she's one of us and so she and I feel the same way about things. Turns out we have the same due date. I looked at her and go - Pepper is meant to be for you - seriously she's a fertility puppy. She laughed and then said 7 dogs and pregnant I'd lose my mind. I laughed and said why do you think I'm down here practically begging? So it looks like as of right now - no takers for my remaining 3 pups. So if you are praying individuals will you send up some prayers that someone comes to me and says hey I seen your puppies and I'd love to have one. Wouldn't that be nice? Truthfully we are managing. D and I are if nothing else able to persevere and tackle whatever challenge that is thrown at us. We are also able to put it in perspective. If this is the worst thing we have to deal with right now 7 dogs to take care of - well then we're lucky. We will take whatever God throws our way - though it'd be nice if he threw me a responsible dog lover my way.

Sorry - you guys didn't come here to hear about my days or my dogs you wanted an update... I'm sorry. "Not negative" is measuring appropriately and heart beat was visible. So we have "graduated" from the RE and well panic has not set in yet - it probably will next week when I'm jonesing for a scan so that I know all is still well.

The scan itself was a comedic event because of the new machinery. As you all know at one of the scans the brand new machine was "broken" or a file was corrupt. Today Dr. Sarcastic was doing the scan and while I love Dr. Sarcastic he was in rare form today. We didn't chit chat initially until wham we have picture - then it became quite the event with D even jumping in to interject things. I asked what the heart rate was and since I know the machine can do that and we can hear it as well then his response of "fast" wasn't good enough. Turns out Dr. Sarcastic hasn't been inserviced on the new machine and while he can do it he couldn't quite remember how to do it. So - it became a comedy schpiel as D pointed out why not push that button, or that one, or that one. D told the doctor - well your partner just hits a button and wham we hear it and see it and know the rate. That fueled Dr. Sarcastic on as in his words "my partner must have had someone show him as he's not very technilogically savvy" The assistant that was in the room was having a hard time not laughing and finally after multiple efforts she goes - Why not push that button? Voila - heartbeat. However Dr. Sarcastic needs to practice some more before he'll be in the league of his partner at speed and efficiency. We have a feeling he's in there practicing as we speak.

After the scan - Dr. Sarcastic asked- so what next? I looked at him and said well if you'll keep us we'll stay here, but I heard a rumor we were being kicked out. He laughed and said - seriously I am not the guy to deliver - anything else yes... However please stay in touch and let us know how things are going. He even said he wished we would have just tried the progesterone first rather than jumping to injectables, but most defects are due to egg quality and it appears yours may not be one of those cases. It's nice when a doc admits to not having all the answers. I am to continue the progesterone until 12 weeks. Generally they have you stop at 10 - however with my history of luteal phase defect and loss he wants to go the extra time just in case. Baby aspirin until at least 36 weeks unless of course there's preterm labor then evaluate that as we go. I truly am greatful for the care that I received from this group as they never once made me feel as if I was paranoid, a pain in the ass, or anything. Everyone was congratulatory and it was a bittersweet moment to realize that as of right now we won't be back for quite a while. That office - was like a second home - granted a very posh second home, but ya know what I mean. The nurses and staff all pronounced my name correctly, they all genuinely cared about how we were doing. And the name thing this is something that doesn't happen often at all - so I enjoy it when I can get that rather than having to be called by my nickname.

So for now so far so good... nothing bad has happened yet...

No Locusts So Far...

Well so far I haven't seen an infestation of locusts so we must be doing something right.

The next two nights will suck... I had a class this morning and will be working tonight. I will also be working tonight. I'm doing tonight so that I don't have to work Friday... I know paranoid, but truthfully even with good news on Friday it would stink to work all night Thursday night have my appointment in the morning (I think that's when it is) and then have to drive home get enough sleep to be able to function at work on Friday. So a kind person switched with me.

My mother will be going to the visitation and funeral for my aunt and giving my condolences to my Uncle Howard. I'm going to make arrangements to see him within the next few weeks. I assume he'll be living with my cousin as truthfully I wouldn't want someone that was 95 living alone anymore - but call me crazy. My mom will then also be coming up to babysit the puppies while we work.

Trying to reign in my mom is like well trying to wrestle with a wet noodle. She hasn't quite figured out that the more she talks about things that the more withdrawn I get. We're going to have to have a talk this weekend about that. Low key is what I'm going for right now... mellow is another way to look at it.

Ultimately we're taking one day at a time and hoping for the best... isn't that really all that you can do?

I thought there would be more time

I know I know - she was 87, but seriously I thought there would be more time.

The "she" I'm referring to was my Great Aunt Alice... I just called her Aunt Alice - her and Uncle Howard always called me "Toots." I reminded them of one of their daughters who had died in her 20's. Uncle Howard is my grandmother's youngest brother and he and my dad were close. Growing up we always spent some time with them. They were at all of my big events... At my wedding Uncle Howard got all teary eyed and said "Sammy would have been so happy to be here." Sammy being my dad... Aunt Alice and Uncle Howard adored my dad and he felt the same about them. Uncle Howard was my token stand in for my dad. Another uncle walked me down the aisle, but truthfully Uncle Howard and Aunt Alice were the connection for me to feel as if my dad was at my wedding.

Aunt Alice had a very distinct voice and I can't quite imitate it, but it always sounded as if she was sucking on something while she was talking it was a little bird like and she pursed her lips. D got a kick out of her the first time he met her and she loved him (my husband has that effect on people apparently).

I know old age is not a bad thing, but it sucks when it takes your family and for me - my dad's side of the family keeps dwindling smaller and smaller... D and I plan on visiting Uncle Howard soon... he turns 95 on Wednesday (actually on 2/29, but ya know how that goes). The last time he and I saw one another he kept telling me about his bad ticker... Aunt Alice told me about hers as well... for such a small lady she had a very big heart. She will be greatly missed. The world feels just a bit smaller than it did before...

Although I have a feeling she's up in heaven - barking orders and giving my dad a very stern talking to about leaving this earth so soon and the reunion with her daughter Donna Marie I'm sure was very sweet...

Below is a picture of Aunt Alice and Uncle Howard at our wedding... it almost looks as if they're pulling each of us closer to the two of them. Their hugs were ferocious and boy am I going to miss those hugs.

Plague... Pestulance...

Bring on the locusts... isn't that what is supposed to follow plague and pestulance?

I could be wrong, however if you would have asked me on Thursday I would have said I really don't care anymore. Wednesday I didn't feel all that great, but I figured it was due to coming off of a work stretch. Thursday sucked in that I felt awful and couldn't keep anything down. Now I know some of you are laughing and going - hahaha she finally got hit with morning sickness. Yeah uhmm no. Morning sickness doesn't bring along with it another GI symptom which I had as well.

My "aha" moment was after the first episode when I thought to myself - that little shit I cleaned up the other night after he'd decorated the floor from his crib must have caused this. My mother - who D talked to - of course was all for it being morning sickness. Come Friday I can tell you safely - it was not morning sickness, but an intestinal/GI tract bug that put a curse on me for the better part of 24 hours. It made me weak as a kitten and begging for mercy. Of course Thursday not to be outdone with the better part of the plague - I also had bright red bleeding which resulted in a scan on Friday.

Things are fine - arm buds and leg buds present, measuring right on and heartbeat still there. D thinks I brought on the plague just to get the scan... and he'd be wrong. By the time the scan was done I wanted to take a nap. Of course we also had to deal with Lola who was also puking up a storm like me. Lola went to the vet while I slept in the car and D called work to tell them he wouldn't be in as he had to take care of me.

Friday night I slept and I'm only just now waking up and while I'm probably 50% better than I was, I'm still not 100%... here's hoping the puppies will sleep tonight.

So uhmm what's next? Apparently the RE's office will release me after my next scan which will be on 3/2. They keep those of us with recurrent loss longer than they do their regular ole ART cases... risk wise we're down from a high of 80% chance of loss to about 15% now... and that's comforting. Most people it would 3-5% but with recurrent loss you have to multiply it by 4-5% more so that's where you get that number. So that's where we stand. I'm still not in that 100% believing this might actually work out... maybe next week.

I Try Not To Go For The Shock Factor - However...

I'm out of the closet so to speak... I let a few coworkers know that we are currently gestating... and they were very happy for us. I explained how our anxiety level was and they nodded as if they understood. They also pointed out that it's encouraging that we got this far... and I nodded. Another coworker came by while we were talking about this and goes "Why aren't you ecstatic?" I took a moment and said - it's not that we're not happy we are... it's that we feel as if we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you've been pregnant 11 times and still have no children well... you just tend to protect your heart. This coworker who I value as a friend and a great nurse and example of pediatric nursing - she just looked at me and goes "that's just tragic." I just shrugged... What do you say other than yeah it sucks...

D and I talked about this on our way home from the RE's office and his response was - "Apparently they don't know your family history of losses." Succinct and to the point... got to love it. It's true - my coworkers know of my losses - but they really don't know about my family loss history. If you combine my mother's loss history, my sister's, my aunts, and mine it would be well over 20 losses. That's a lot of loss to know about... and grow up knowing about. Mind you D didn't grow up hearing about these losses, but he did once he and I started trying because my mother, aunt, and sister all felt that it was better for us to know then to not know. Be prepared is apparently our family motto and truthfully I'm glad that they never hid these things from me because to me knowledge is power. The losses for the women in my family ranged from early miscarriage to late first trimester to second trimester and a third trimester loss. Knowing that means that we tend to be a little more guarded. Maybe it's wrong, but it's the best we can do to cope with everything... and considering what we've been through - we're very lucky to have a healthy marriage where communication is key.

I'm glad that my RE understands even if he had the audacity to put on my chart "pt and spouse reassurred." I had to laugh because Dr. Sarcastic doesn't do reassurring very well. He's realistic and that helps both D and I because we both feel better with facts. Dr. Sarcastic asked if I had googled measurements for CRL already and I nodded then told him that it was quite frustrating as there was a big discrepancy on all the crap I found online so everything from a weird equation that you punch in to a simple equation gave you different numbers every time. We talked science for a while and he said - does the googling help? I responded with yes it does, D even nodded that it did. He just encouraged us to look at scientific sources for knowledge and I reassurred him that that was what I did rather than other sites. I have to have concrete stuff rather than personal stories - no offense to anyone's personal story, but I want facts that have been researched.

So Far So Good

U/S was fine - heartbeat check and assumed appropriate growth as the "not negative" was apparently curled up today rather than stretched out so he couldn't get an accurate measurement. We see them again in 2 weeks for another u/s.

So that's my scoop so to speak. We told Dr. Y about our fiasco at the ob's office and he laughed when D asked - can we just stick with you guys for the whole pregnancy? He goes yeah you don't want to do that - you'd have to deliver with a c-section I don't think I'd know how to do a vaginal delivery anymore.

So that's where we're at... so far so good.

Snowdrifts and Stupid People

My apologies I had every intention of updating yesterday however when you hear how yesterday and the day before went you'll understand I chose sleep over blogging.

Tuesday night I had to work... and of course there was a winter storm warning out for blowing snow and just well crappy weather. I left early with the knowledge I would need to drive carefully. Enroute I was talking with a friend on speaker phone and hung up on her as the roads had gotten worse. I seen a snow drift coming up ahead - slowed down and then the damn thing pulled me into a ditch then a tree. No amount of all wheel drive was able to save me from doing so. My friend was freaking out and attempting to call D as she had no idea how bad the accident was - she was also yelling at her husband because - well he was the reason for the phone call - he'd been a jack ass. I spoke with 911 - gave them my location assured them I was unhurt, just shook up and then finally hung up. I then called D - let him know what was going on and to call work and let them know I wouldn't be in. I then paged the on call RE to find out what I needed to worry about. On call RE wanted me to come in Wednesday morning for a scan and rho gam as D is + and I am -.

The deputy arrived and took one look at the situation and said - let me guess the snow drift pulled you in here? I have county coming right now to knock that down. In my defense it took the county six passes to get rid of the snow drift. The tow truck came and we were able to determine my car though banged up was still driveable - which was a good thing as D was stuck in our driveway unable to get out until our snow plow guy came through. I updated work, updated my friend - reassured her it wasn't her fault, I was on my way again. I picked up a pizza on the way home and came home, went to bed.

Wednesday morning dawned bright and early and we were off to get D's hair cut as well as to go to the RE and of course lets not forget my annual was scheduled for the afternoon. Fun day let me tell you. I was able to get my unibrow waxed so that was good. At the RE's office we got the cool machine and I got the other doc who is very nice as well and no resident. All looks fine - CRL is 1.11 cm up from .3 cm and heartbeat is 141 ish. We were able to hear as well as see the heartbeat which was very cool. I asked D if he seen it and he goes yeah and I heard it. The doctor had to leave so the nurses in the back were working on the rho gam prescription.

This is where the day begins to show just how many stupid people S and D can run into... the one nurse (not the MA who had been in the room) wasn't sure why I needed it since the pregnancy looked good. I explained - car accident multiple times and spotting multiple times with I swear no comprehension of what I was saying. D wanted to poke her eyes out. Finally we get the prescription and we were off to fart around for a while.

We finally headed up to my annual appointment and that is where it became stupid people galore. First - I had called and talked with the scheduler explained our situation - that we were seeing an RE, that we had a history of multiple miscarriages and that we were no where near ready to be an "OB" patient yet as this pregnancy is still precarious enough that we're still having multiple scans. No problem she said. Get back and start talking to my doctor's nurse and "problem" came up. Apparently I needed to fill out a different form - great. So off we start filling forms I start peeing and well it just keeps getting better and better. I again explain to the nurse we're no where near ready to start talking due dates and grudgingly give her mine. Into the room we go and in comes the doctor - a congratulations comes out of his mouth - D and I cringe and then he starts going over my history and goes my you have been busy this year - did they ever determine a cause for the multiple miscarriages. I explained no that it could be the luteal phase defect or it could be ectopics that are just resolving on their own. He looks at the u/s and says all looks well and that he's sorry to hear about the spotting - maybe he can determine what's going on. Pelvic is done - all is fine - no clue where the spotting is coming from. Not once does he say that spotting is normal and then he wants to talk bloodwork while I want to talk drugs. Since I'm there for my annual I need refills on all my regular stuff. He looks at me sideways a few times and gives over what I want. Although I'm sure he's not thrilled about my sinus medication I can safely say he wouldn't be thrilled with treating me for multiple sinus infections either. He lectured me on my calcium requirements and told me to start taking some. Fine yada yada yada. Off we go to get the blood drawn and check out.

Check out is where it became stupid people galore. I had to schedule an appt for 4 weeks out with an appt with the doctor as well as the OB educator. I cringed at doing this... I mean seriously cringed. My anxiety level was becoming increasingly high as was D's. I think we both started twitching. Finally I grudgingly accepted an appt with the stupid educator (who goes over testing options) when I said I want the nuchal and quad screen she goes oh you're already up to speed on the testing. DUH - yes I am. Apparently the only way you get to schedule the test is if you talk to the educator. Great just great... so that's for next Friday where I'll probably end up losing my mind and become slightly more insane as we schedule things that I am no where near ready to talk about. We then proceeded to the place where you truly check out and they said "have you received your purple packet?" Uhmm no and what the hell is a purple packet? Oh you need to go talk to the insurance people... D and I looked at each other and said in unison "WE are not there yet." Yeah uhmm you need to talk to them and then we can check you out. Fine... grudgingly I go and sit in a room and the woman looks at my double coverage and gets a perplexed look on her face and goes hmmm... apparently they have no idea how my insurance works yet since I have two however I apparently don't need to start prepaying anything. Yet. She hands me the purple packet and starts going over the things in it. At the beginning she starts talking about pre registration at the hospital and at that point I tune out. I just smile and nod. Because again I had said "WE ARE NOT THERE YET." not a single person listened to this statement. Finally we are able to leave.

We still had one more place to go to get the rho gam. The med center... and of course the MA screwed up the prescription for it. So I had to page the doctor who took a while to call back after repaging and finding out that he was out with his kids on the back of a sled we get that straightened around. I ran into a few of the people I used to work with and that was neat - they all gave me congratulations and were genuinely thrilled for me. It was nice. Also overwhelming hearing those things.

By this time it's 8:30 pm and we finally arrived home. After starting the morning off at 9a.m. I came home and crashed. Tonight I work again then tomorrow another scan. So we shall see...

Exaggerated

I may have exaggerated my feelings a bit yesterday. I re-read what I wrote and thought - god she's a neurotic self absorbed snot. In truth while we are worried/concerned/anxious about this whatever you want to call it... we generally go about our daily lives as if nothing is going on.

I had a friend call the other day and things were a bit nuts at our house at the time and she is aware of what's going on and said "S you need to relax right now." I started laughing almost hysterically and then handed the phone to D... he then started laughing as well. I got back on the phone and told her that whether I'm relaxed or tense or even catatonic - whatever will happen will happen. That the ball is already in play, that the ship has already sailed, that the rollercoaster is already going, that the bullet will either hit the target or not. She didn't quite understand all the little things, but I think she finally understands. There's not a bit that I can do other than what I am doing. Which what I'm doing involves daily shots of PIO, baby aspirin and a prenatal vitamin so there ya go...

If we didn't have that and I wasn't abstaining from alcohol and s*x it'd be just a regular time in our lives. Those are about the only things that have been cut out so to speak. Alcohol for obvious reasons ans s*x because well of that darn thing called spot. D doesn't want to sound like an ungrateful snot and ask the RE if we can - the nurse told me that we couldn't - D didn't get to hear those words so hence why he's hesistant to ask and keeps asking if the spotting is done... I had to remind him of the instructions after the D & C and then he wanted the scientific reasons why you're not supposed to. I was trying to sleep at that point and I believe I rolled over and hit him and said he could google it later.

I know there is such romantic love in our household if it's not us yelling "Bah" and throwing things at the dogs (not hitting them with it just landing near them) or squirting a squirt bottle at the puppies then it's a discussion on why you can or can't have s*x. Fun times.

In a side note - We live alone... and our shades are always closed. This weekend my mom is visiting and D almost walked out into the living room naked with her here - he was trying to find some clean jeans (located in the dryer)... If he hadn't heard her talking to the dogs she would have gotten a full frontal of D. I about peed my pants when he came running into the bathroom and told me what had almost occurred. Fortunately my mom was spared the image and D was spared the mortification. I think his heart rate is finally returning to normal now.

In other news - my mom has been here and you have to love a woman who will clean your entire house and fold your laundry... and while she makes Ernie act like an idiot she loves all our dogs though she is calling the puppies by the wrong names - this isn't unusual.

My husband has a list of things he wants... s*x is on that list, but there are other things baby is on the list, but again not the things I'm talking about... he wants - a fenced in back yard, new doors and windows- don't ask he hates ours - they work in my mind, a hair cut - heck I want that one too he's starting to look way too shaggy, a new vehicle - NOT happening, another gun (NOT happening, and I'm sure there's more I could add to the list - probably landscaping, someone else to paint the house and patch holes, and well ya know just about everything else under the sun. Yet I am the one accused of having expensive tastes. Yeah uhmm not. I'm the one who has been reigning D in... reminding him how much money we have, that if we do indeed make it to take home baby that we need to have x saved so that we can survive while I'm on maternity leave, that we have to do this that and the other thing... such a pain.

I truly hate being the voice of reason. It's just not my favorite thing to do... especially when all I want to do is spend spend spend.

Ah well what you going to do... apparently just continue putting one foot in front of the other and hope that I don't run into anything.

Juggling

Right now the best way I could use to describe how I'm feeling is to say I'm juggling... D feels as if he's waiting for another shoe to drop and be the thing that seals our fate. He's fearful that this is going to end. His fear is rubbing off on me... I've googled u/s measurements, crown rump length, etc etc and I have dial up so everyone knows that it took some time to do those things. We want this badly, but whenever we get hopeful we both kind of internally pinch ourselves like - quit it. Because we've been burned so many times before hope has now become the enemy rather than the savior.

Melissa posted a hope/wish box... a box for someone else to hold your wish. I'll admit to putting a wish in there. Sometimes giving voice to your fears allows you to finally be free. Of course that hasn't happened yet as my fears in the dark of the night have come creeping out.

We told my mom about this and she's tickled... and we had to back her up a few notches. D did the backing up of the bus so to speak. We told her we'd tell her when she could get truly excited and D voiced his fears to her. I'm so lucky that D has such a relationship with my mom... D has also made the decision that we are not telling his parents. He doesn't feel that they could a) keep a secret or b) understand how to give us empathy if this does go tits up. So as a good wife (quit laughing I can occasionally be biddable) we're refraining from telling them for at least a few weeks if not longer. It's also easier for us then. Everytime we tell one more person our anxiety level increases. It's not pretty at all. So we wait and hope and wish that Friday would get her sooner rather than later... and in the meantime we try not to lose our minds.

I think Thalia said it best - that u/s are generally only reassurring the day you have them after that it's back up in the air (at least she said something along those lines).

So excuse me while I go huddle in my bed and pull the covers over my head and attempt to sleep my way through the wait until u/s day... I'm trying to be an ostrage and somedays doing well - others failing miserably.

Dog Behavior

I wanted to comment... it did indeed involve the bags of chains. Our dogs are weims and doxies (weiners) both have very strong dominant personalities (breeds). We intentionally picked both breeds because they have a lot of characteristics we love... however they have a few traits that we could do without.

Lola - is fearful of strangers. The trainers felt her issue was that she felt she had to protect the pack. By the end of the session she went from being hackles up and barking everytime the trainers moved to climbing up in their laps. Lola climbs into Meg's food bowl (attempting to dominate her) and Meg lets her.

Chance - loves people, however he's the aggressor now in the things going on with Megan and that's not a good thing. He barks at noises and was the top dog of the house - his injury in December kind of changed things a bit and now he's working on getting back to the top of the pack/hill etc.

Ernie - loves people and loves D & I just a bit too much - has a panic attack when we leave him alone resultiing in his destruction of a kennel and lets not forget his breaking out of his kennel and attempting to destroy the basement. He counter surfs, barks at me when he wants something (not just one bark - no about 30) When Dan comes home or I come home he gets in a tizzy. These things are all not a pretty sight. He's gotten worse since Dan switched jobs.

Megan - attempted to eat Chance is timid, protective of her puppies and has some OCD issues.

Yes - everyone I have neurotic dogs that we broke. Add in the puppies and my house has lost it's mind.

Poor Ernie

Poor Ernie... this afternoon I finally got the chance to get new supplies and clean his ear. What I found of course was an ear that I suspected was infected. Can we all say not so great. I was less than thrilled and spent about 20 minutes cleaning his ear and soaking it. Fun times I tell you. During that time I also called the vet because heck they are on speed dial so when they called me back in we went for Ernie to get checked out.

Granted we had just returned from taking Emmy to her grandpa to take home to her new owners. So it was back in the car and back to the vet. D made the unique statement of "Can't we just staple his ear to his head?" (The problem is that Ernie keeps shaking his head which then results in his ear rebleeding and making a huge mess) Oddly enough the vet considered this option and said - you know that just might work, not with staples though. So after some discussion - Ernie has his ear sutured to his chin/neck/head to prevent him from shaking that ear and injuring himself further than he already has.

In other news I've realized that even though the fetal pole was measuring smaller (at least by all the information I can gather) than it should be right now that we are hoping that this will work out. Lord if it doesn't the fall will be awful. Even D admits that. So for right now we're just hoping to get through the next 8 days and get to the u/s and hopefully see good things rather than bad things.

In the meantime I've got puppies to play with.

Oh and the Bar*k B*uster people came. Statia you would be delighted to know our experience was much different than yours - thank goodness. I was quite fearful of what it would be like, however I knew we had to do something. So currently we are working on the exercises with the various dogs and hoping that we remember what they taught us and that we notice an improvement in behavior. In all honesty we have noticed a difference. However tomorrow will be the true test as my mom will be arriving and hopefully won't break whatever we've managed to accomplish.

Unchartered Territory

We are slowly going into unchartered waters... the ultrasound was good. We have a heartbeat. D and I of course are ecstatic, but as both D and the RE pointed out we're not out of the woods. The bleeding is still disconcerting and unnerving and could be a sign of a threatened miscarriage. We just don't know. We have another u/s on 2/16. We'll know more then.

But for the moment - it's good news and we'll take that. So we have a heartbeat. That's a good thing.

Let me just describe for a moment how the u/s went though. We ended up in a room of course and I look at the u/s machine and hmm it says "corrupt file" my thought that's not good. Of course when Dr. Sarcastic walks in he has an entourage. Great just great I get a resident for this. Fun times let me tell you. Of course we couldn't get that u/s machine to work so clothes back on and off to another room. Apparently this was a brand new machine they had only had it in use for 2 days. Hopefully next time it will be working as it has sound capabilities as well as can measure the heartbeat accurately. I'm always glad to see my money well spent. Into the new room we go and Dr. Sarcastic introduces the resident who is going to do the u/s. Imagine my look of great - just what I want to deal with right now. Resident dude is slow... let me just say - speed would be nice as generally it's not a lot of talking he's talking - you're going to feel my touch, you're going to --- HELLO please just cut to the chase. I need to know whether I need to break out the fifth or the chocolate milk. Finally he's in and he's squinting at the machine trying to figure out how to zoom in. Dr. Sarcastic takes over at that point as I think he knew I was about to start pushing buttons to get the scoop. U/S completed and we went in and talked... while Dr. Sarcastic is encoruaged by these results he also is well aware that with my loss history as well as that of my families that we are not out of the woods and understands why I am hesistant to jump for joy just yet. The resident on the other hand just looked shell shocked. Apparently he had just read my chart.

In other news we're now down to 5 puppies as Louie went to his forever home. His new mom is ecstatic and so joyful. We took one last picture and sent him off with the knowledge that he will be loved. Friday Emmy will go to her new home and then Tuesday Jodi... so a load will be lightened a bit.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me?

First - did you know I apparently don't have a sense of humor... Read this can I just go slit my wrists now? It's not that I'm not happy for them, but for goodness sake can she send me some of that fertility. D just looked at me when I said the news - well at least they have a new house. I admit that it's great they appear to love their children, are financially independent and well apparently fertility as rabbits. Just with the looming u/s this just makes me cringe and filled with dread. Like it's a sign from somewhere - this will not work out for you, but look she can do it x times.

In other news... Ernie's ear... yeah uhm we couldn't get the sucker to quit bleeding. 2 pressure bandages and D holding Ernie's ear for 15 minutes it was still what I would describe as a gusher. My massacre scene was spreading from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom. D was impressed at the spray and splatter - he's like this is impressive are you sure he doesn't need a transfusion. So 3 hours after this little journey of Ernie scratching open the bite that Meg inflicted - D cursing and threatening to send Meg to timbucktoo we were off to the vet. You know my second home. They don't even need me to identify who I am - they know. This is so not good.

The vet gave Ernie a tranquilizer so he could handle the whole being at the vet's. We left him in her capable hands with his pressure bandage and e-collar in place. We picked him up this afternoon and she had to cauterize as well as suture his ear and put a pressure bandage and a new e-collar in place. He's pitiful and still running into things - usually me. It's going to be a long 2 weeks with that thing in. I may have to take a picture of the bruises he's inflicted as I right now I appear to have gotten into a fight. I have with a stupid e-collar. Ernie likes to walk and rub his head on your leg, etc... so now he's trying to rub his head, but instead pushing you with the e-collar causing bruises.

Maybe this all happened for a reason - D and I didn't even think about the u/s until tonight so at least we didn't have to focus on that all day... Of course the vet bills are just getting outrageous - thank god for 0% financing... (at this point we're saving up the giant bill to get the best deal - so Meg's spay and teeth cleaning will be on it as well as vaccines for Ernie & Lola and the puppies and heart worm preventative for everyone and flea preventative. I'm all about 0% interest and at this point things are just getting ridiculous. D asked where our toaster oven was.

What Else Can Go Wrong?

*warning* worked all night, have had a really bad day - typos and errors are the result of my evil twin Samanthanella queen of salmonella!

First did you know there was a blizzard where I lived? No??? Well there was. Let me just say I'm not a big fan of snow so a blizzard when I have to work and D has to work is not a good thing. D for obvious reasons he'll be out in the blizzard, me because well that generally means we'll have a lot of patients.

So we've been digging ourselves out from under the arctic blast of air. The dogs of course are not thrilled with the temperature and Chance has taken to peeing on the porch as if to say - you think I'm walking in this... I think not.

In other dog news - because well heck I think you guys enjoy reading about the hijinks that occur at our house. Ernie has busted his kennel. I mean he has seriously messed the thing up. So much so that when we took Emmy (puppy teal) to the vet to get vaccinated we talked with the vet about what to do. Ernie has separation anxiety as well as some noise phobias. Things have gotten worse over the last 3-4 months. His poor kennel everytime we come home is in a different spot then it was when we put him in it. We tried a dog appeasing pheremone thingie and well insetad of calming him - he barked incessantly. So Ernie my sweet puppy dog is now being given xanax when we go to work or have to go anywhere. This is a short term solution as we're having those high priced dog behaviorists out on Thursday to hopefully help us with all our problem pooches.

So back to the kennel... I went to work and D decided that he didn't feel comfortable putting Ernie in that kennel as it wouldn't hold him. So he left Ernie in the spare bedroom with Lola in her kennel and a kong with peanut butter frozen. He calls and lets me know this information while I'm at work and he's halfway to work. Gee thanks honey... I would have taken my chances on the kennel rather than the chances that my house is going to be destroyed when I get home. We also had to leave the puppies in the bathroom as they have mastered escaping from the x-pen.

Lets just say yesterday morning was interesting. I arrived home and opened the door and there's Ernie with a rawhide in his mouth. Nothing in the house was destroyed although he did put some scratches in the bedroom door.

The bathroom however - well that was a whole different story... I had poop from one end of the bathroom to the other. The little shits had even gotten up onto the edge of the garden tub and put a poopy paw print on the back wall. Great just great... and Meg had pooped in her kennel. She apparently ate something that didn't agree with her and had diarrhea. I wanted to puke - anyone would have. D finally got home and he tackled all the poop issues and well... I dealt with the dogs.

While dealing with the dogs Ernie jumped over the gate and landed on Meg. Meg lashed out and well you guessed it... Ernie got bit on the ear. She tore a small chunk. Let me just say I was able to clean him up great yesterday. Today however Ernie decided that he needed to scratch his head and well I came to the living room and find what appears to be a crime scene of a bloody murder. I have blood spatters up the wall and an area of carpet that has blood spatter. It looks like someone was shot. So now Ernie has a bandage on his head I've replaced 3 times (he wiggles out of it) and Chance's e-collar. He's thrilled. So much so that he is running into us every opportunity so now I have even more bruises than I did before.

Right now I'd like a drink...something fruity and alcoholic. However since the jury is still out on whether or not we'll have a heartbeat I figured I can always drink tomorrow if I get bad news.

Oh yes and one of my dear friends in real life is pregnant... to me while I am ecstatic for her - she's a great lady and her and her husband are one of the few couples D and I go out with... The thought crossed my mind that since her pregnancy will most likely be successful mine won't. I know she would do just about anything to help me to have a successful pregnancy and so I haven't told her that thought. I think it would reveal how truly cynical I have become from all of this.

D isn't talking about this... in fact he's trying to ignore this. Other than not having s*x and asking me if the spotting is still there (yes, it is I call it my slow old brown blood ooze) he'd prefer to not even consider what tomorrow will bring... whether it be good news or bad news. He's against saying anything to his parents, but wants to tell my mom - because she'll understand.

So... will post a picture of Ernie looking like a doofus. Will update tomorrow with the u/s results.

Snow... What the heck is this?

Because puppy pictures are something that helps to pass the time. The other day we took the puppies out for their first adventure in the snow. We had had a pretty good snow storm so there was a lot of fresh fluffy snow. Out we went.

The first picture is D... he has Emmy in his coat because she had decided that it was too cold.


Puppies playing in the snow on the front porch.


D decided that Emmy needed a coat so she's in one of Lola's many coats... it was a bit snug.


Louie was one of the first ones in the snow.


Jodi trying to sneak through the baby gate. Yes we have baby gates... we also have a baby monitor all for the puppies.


D is not having a great night - the puppies are pooping left and right and he's kind of over it. Seeing as I had to clean up the car from the gummy bear excursion I think it's only fair that he's doing the poop duty tonight.

I Have No Self Control...

We all knew patience wasn't a virtue I possessed... *show of hands* thought so. So no one would be surprised by the news that I went for an u/s today. I did only because I had had some more bleeding and truthfully had had some ache in my side. Since I have the history of an ectopic I didn't want to spend all weekend going "is that my tube rupturing?"

So this morning found me making a phone call... I wanted the nurse who I like. I got someone else. She doesn't know me. She hadn't read my file at all. Imagine this conversation...

Nurse: Bleeding can be normal in pregnancy.
Me: Did you even bother to look at my history?
Nurse: *silence*
Me: Because if you had you'd know that I've been pregnant 11 times and I have no children... of those 11 times each has involved bleeding of some sort. One included bleeding that resulted in an ectopic with properly doubling betas and a doctor who told me it couldn't possibly be ectopic, who then left my husband to tell me after my d/c that it was an ectopic.
Nurse: What would you like to do?
Me: I'd like an u/s - I know we won't see a heart beat, but we can at least get the whole ectopic watch done with.
Nurse: Today okay?
Me: Yes.

So this afternoon while I was waiting for my u/s I was in the bedroom, puppies decided they were going to escape from their x-pen. I watched Purple aka Bert climb the x-pen. Great... just great. Mind you we don't have enough kennels yet. We hoped we wouldn't need to buy any more kennels. We have 2 large kennels for Ernie and Meg, a medium sized kennel for Chance, and then a small kennel for Lola and then there's another small kennel somewhere and a medium one.

The puppies are too big for the medium one already so that was out. What the heck am I going to do with these puppies while I'm at the RE's office? Decision was made that the puppies were going with to the RE's office - worse case scenario I can hold a puppy and sob on the ride home since D won't be with for this u/s as he's at a class.

I put plastic in the back of my SUV, and tried to erect a barrier so that the puppies will stay in the back and not be in the front. Load up puppies, throw in some toys. Put all other dogs in their kennels and tell them I will be back shortly.

Ride up went fine. No puppies in the front seat and I left them with the instruction to "behave themselves." Since these are excellent puppies they all looked at me with their halos and nodded.

Once in the RE's office we debated about my lmp as well as ovulation date, only to have Dr. Sarcastic (my favorite) deciding to go with my ovulation date. Let me just say - much better wander than the nurses. In he's in and we see exactly what we're supposed to see at 5 weeks 2 days - a gestational sac, and a fetal pole (at least I assume that's what the white dot is). I apparently ovulated on my right which is what side I was having pain on.

In the consulation room - bless his heart he said "While bleeding can be common with your history it's totally understandable to come in for an early scan." I told him what I thought of his nurses calling it "normal" he laughed and said they didn't read your history did they? I said no... He also suspects that some of those early miscarriages where the betas don't double quite right could be due to ectopics that resolve themselves. Which I didn't know he even thought that. So next week repeat u/s with Dr. Sarcastic. D will be there for that one and we should see a heart beat if it's going to be there. Dr. Sarcastic also mentioned that D and I don't waste time at all in regards to getting pregnant.

I also had the opportunity to flip through my chart while I walked to the front desk... and D's count from the IUI was actually 13.1 million, with 10.1 million motile prewash... so not as awful as we thought it was. Not perfect, but that could have been due to the extra curricular activities we indulged in.

Okay so back to the car... I come out and what do I see? 6 puppies in the front. 3 in the basket and 3 in the driver's seat. A container that used to contain gummy bears empty. They ate the gummy bears all of them! Good grief...

So the car ride home involved 1 puppy puking, 3 puppies in a basket, 2 puppies on an armrest and 1 puppy in my lap... forget that whole riding in back crap they figured out how to climb over my barricade and were all about being in the front - preferably in the windshield.

I wish I could have gotten a picture of them. It was quite comical.

Never a dull moment here... will be posting more puppy pictures soon. They got to play in the snow last night for the first time. It was a riot!

Send Some Love Out

Since I am currently not focusing on myself right now - remember I'm an ostrich and my head is in the sand. I have nothing to report in regards to our not negative.

However there is a lot of anxiety and some sadness out in the blog world right now...

The first is Jill who just lost her dad as well as had a miscarriage with a d/c. Jill has been a great friend over the last year to me and provided me with a lot of support. I know she is hurting right now and she needs all of our love and prayers.

The second is Amy she's waiting patiently for another u/s and praying for things to work out. Her and I just started emailing and she's quite comical as well as honest.

The third is Mandy she's coping with being on her own for the first time while her husband C is jet setting in China and Taiwan... she is going through mommy boot camp the hard way with a baby in tow. She's surviving, but hopefully her mongrels will start behaving rather than driving her batty!

The fourth is a dear friend Joan who just recently lost her daughter Lisa. I have known Joan via an email list for about 10 years now. Joan is in her 70's and always has the best advice. Her daughter Lisa died in their home about a week ago. My heart goes out to her. Lisa didn't have an easy life and Joan and her hubby are devestated at her death. So while I can't send you to her website I can ask for you to keep them in your prayers.

Uhmm not much else to say... I go back to work on Thursday and while I'm not delighted to do so I do know that that will make the time go by quickly until Wednesday is here. Wednesday is going to be a long day for me as we have the appt for the u/s as well as Louie (aka Green) will be going to his new home that day. Friday - Emmy Lou (teal) will be going to her new home... Not sure when my fil will be picking up Jodi but I imagine it will be shortly. He's been itching to come and play with her and snuggle. She's a little love, but boy is she going to give him a run for his money. It'll be fun to watch! We still have yet to find homes for 3 of the pups... and while I know it is in our best interest to find homes for everyone, I am not stressing about that. With any luck someone will call me and say "I'd like a puppy here are my references" rather than the weird email I had to deal with from someone in CO who wanted me to ship a dog in winter. Yeah uhmm NO.

So for now Purple - (D has taken to calling him Bert), Black (I've taken to calling pistol), and Blue (we just call him Blue) are ours until they find homes... so my house while a bit quieter won't be empty for a bit. Unless of course things change again. Ultimately we shall see.

Something to make you smile!

So everyone has been asking for pictures and since well the other p word is off limits we now have puppy photos to help you pass the time from now until u/s day. To answer some questions I've been asked - yes still spotting. No, I don't have any symptoms. No, I haven't called for more bloodwork, though it has crossed my mind... why not right? It can't hurt and it might reassure me - yeah it won't so why bother is D's thoughts. He's probably right.


Now in other news we have decided that we need professional help, not only for fence building but also for our dogs. Oh that's right I mislead all of you into thinking that I have well behaved dogs in my house... yeah uhmm not so much. The thing that sealed the deal for me was my extreme anxiety at the thought of having Meg and Chance out together. Right now we can't allow that to happen. I can't handle the thought as I only just pieced my pup back together and while I love Meg I still have some anger issues with her and Chance. D starts cursing like a sailor when dealing with the dogs. What the hell kind of environment would we have if people came to visit??? A chaotic one, with lots of barking, lots of growling, lots of cursing, etc etc. So we have enlisted help and while it is a small fortune to pay I'm willing to pay it as I'd rather be the one in control of my dogs then them controlling me.

So next week Wednesday a gentleman and his wife will be coming to our house to help us work with our pack of dogs. Yes we now have a pack of dogs... they will be here for a few hours helping us. They will come back again in I think a week. It is going to cost a pretty penny, however we should see improvement in behaviors within 4-5 weeks. They will come back out if we have new problems or old problems. It does not involve any form of physical punishment. I'm anti-shock collars and well that scat strip we bought Lola sat on it and looked at me like why is my bum getting zapped. In other words it didn't phase her at all or keep her off the counter. So we shall see. D - aka scrooge was stunned silent when I told him the amount. He then wanted to skirt having to pay for Chance and I reminded him - HELLO he's one of the problems. So hopefully I will be able to sing this companies praises. Until I know for sure I'm going to keep quiet as to who I've hired.

It's a puppy pinwheel!



Puppies gone wild! Bad puppies - good taste in food, but bad puppies!


Jodi - isn't she lovely? Also a hellion...My FIL is so going to have his hands ful *evil laugh*



Ernie - he stole the puppy pacifier - yes they have a baby kong puppy pacifier the pups love it... apparently Ernie does as well. Silly boy. No we didn't pose him. That's just Ernie.

Well That's Interesting...

First off... regarding bleeding in pregnancy - while it can occur in a "normal" pregnancy it is never considered normal... which is why every doctor you talk to and say "I've got a positive hpt and I'm bleeding" immediately call for the beta hcg level to be drawn... it's not normal and I hope and pray that anyone reading my blog who somehow googled this and found me realize that it's not normal and it's quite frustrating and yes it can be nothing, but it can also be a sign of doom.

Now I know you all stopped by just to hear my results...

Monday's results were 84 at 14-15 dpo
Wednesday's results were 207 at 16-17 dpo...

So within the normal range and yes it doubled. This is good, however we again are not breaking out the champagne, calling our families etc... because read my about me page. We have an u/s scheduled for February 7th... we'll see what we can say about this then. Until then I get to shoot up progesterone and call if I have any "significant" bleeding... as the bleeding is just more like an occasional thing... still disconcerting. Still not "normal"

We shall see...

Normal...

for me of course...

I of course had a spotting episode last night while at work. A small amount or slight ooze that was dark and then old blood... This morning it was pretty much nonexistent - just some old stuff. So I freaked. I talked a resident into ordering a blood test for me as well as a progesterone level.

The results at 15 dpo (probably closer to 14 dpo as it was 2 a.m. when I did the blood test) were:

Beta HCG - 84
Progesterone - 35.8

So yeah uhmmm we'll repeat these on Wednesday and see what the heck is going on. No I'm not reassurred. The nurse from my RE's office of course was hopeful and while I think that's sweet I told her what D had said when I gave him the news of the bleeding...

D- "Well isn't that normal in pregnancy (meaning bleeding)?"
Sami - No!
D- "Well that's how we've started every other pregnancy."
Sami - "Thanks smart ass remind me why I love you?"
D- Because I can make you laugh.

She responded with things could still work out... She apparently has been sniffing "baby dust".

So will keep all of you posted... Whatever is going to happen will happen - the ball is already in play and we just have to wait it out. Sometimes I feel as if I'm on a rollercoaster... this is one of those times.

Head In The Sand

Sometimes I am an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. If you go here you'll see what I'm being an ostrich about. I've got my head firmly in the sand and truthfully I'm okay with being oblivious about this.

I am encouraged by the fact that these results showed up 2 days earlier than I've ever had in previous cycles, but we are not getting our hopes up. I know that sounds horribly pessimistic, but when you go back to my recap of 2006 you'll understand why. I have not had a blood test done and truthfully if I could avoid having one and having numbers to obsess about that truthfully don't mean squat in my eyes and in my heart. I've had good numbers and nothing... I've had bad numbers and nothing. We're waiting for that whole picture... the u/s that shows a heartbeat located in the uterus and we haven't had that yet.

So nothing bad has happened yet NBHHY - that's about as far as we've gotten in our thought processes. We shall see... wait and maybe we'll have news in 2.5 weeks... So no congratulations please.

So number 11 it is... hopefully this is my lucky number rather than 28.

*We'll do a beta sometime this coming week - I haven't decided when. All I can say is E*P*T was positive on Thursday, the digital was positive on Friday at 12 dpo... so who knows what will happen.

AaaaaChooo!!! Good Lord What Else Can Go Wrong?

Lets recap - we were guilted into going to the other side of the state for a memorial service with 10 dogs in a car. Yes... that did indeed happen. Damn I was hoping it was just a nightmare.

It all started by running late on Friday to the vet's. D started cursing - and well things went downhill from there. Thank goodness our vet is wonderful and it was not a problem for her that we were running late. I took Chance and Blue in with me to the vet leaving D with 3 dogs and 5 puppies in the car.

See Blue had started sneezing... wet sneezes... mind you the puppy has not been out of the house except to vet visits and has not been exposed to anyone or anybody so how the heck did he get a "cold" well he got it from his sister and he then proceeded to sneeze on every single one of his siblings... the little stinker. So... she quick looks Blue over and after a bit of talk a wet sneeze thrown in we decide we're just going to treat every single one of the little buggers so I can quit having to run up to get antibiotics. To be truthful I think the rest of the crew including Blue is just jealous because Emmy Lou (teal) is getting the pink stuff. I really need to take a picture of the little monsters at medicine time because seriously it's quite comical. The minute I go to the fridge they're all at my feet begging for the "pink" stuff. If only kids took medicine this easily.

Chance was seen as well and his wound was looked at by both vets and they both commented - it looks much better than it did. Yeah uhmm it does - however pus is "NOT GOOD!" They agreed, but kept reminding me how far it has come from when he first got injured, had the first surgery, then the second and then of course the third. We're trying to avoid anymore cutting action. So for now I flush and put some ointment in there and keep him on antibiotics.

So lets see - that's uhmm 7 dogs on antibiotics. Saturday night we noted that Lola was sneezing - we're hoping she'll get over it and realize she doesn't need the pink stuff.

In other news - we've lived in our house for roughly 2 years and have been neighbor free the entire time. That has unfortunately come to a screeching halt. If you hear wailing - that would be mine because of course the house next door to us is the one these people are living in now. Why???? Seriously why??? The house is on a big hill the driveway is a nightmare and they chose that house??? Stupid stupid people... so I'm currently researching fencing options as come spring - we'll be having one installed.

We learned of the new neighbors when we noted after driving in a sleet storm that there were 3 vehicles parked at that house... I believe D uttered some more profanities, but I could be wrong. I put on my "fake" face and hoped and prayed that it was just people working on the house... I was so very wrong and I hope my face didn't fall. I could be wrong of course though. I knew we should have just contacted the guy about buying it on a land contract... talk about ruining an already crappy day. Here's hoping these new neighbors are nice... because otherwise this could seriously suck even more than it does already...

No other news to report... the uhmm car ride was interesting... puppies started out in a big plastic container and slowly they came out one by one... until we decided to say screw the container and then it became a puppy free for all. I believe at one point on the ride home today we had a pup in D's lap, Chance at my feet on the floor with a nice pillow and blankie, a pup on the arm rest and 2 pups in my lap. The other 2 were in the back terrorizing Lola and Ernie who had decided he didn't want to be in the back with Meghan and came to the middle section of our vehicle. It was CRAZY!!! I told D his parents owe us big time. D agreed... so now we have to figure out how to wiggle out of a retirement party (as again how to avoid MIL's family? FIL's family is great - we'll spend a lot of time with them but the idiots on MIL's side well not so much!)... with any luck my MIL will plan it for Memorial Day weekend and I'm working that for sure so here's hoping.

To Insure or Not?

In answer to some of the delurking comments...

We have a Santa Fe... I love it and what will occur is Ernie and Meg will be in the back in their seat belts. Puppies will be in their box and Lola will be in her seat belt in the middle. Chance will be in the front with D & myself.

Yes - we are a bit nuts to do this... I'm not looking forward to the hassle, but know that we should to spend time with D's dad's family as they cope with the loss of his aunt.

In regards to pet insurance - about 6-7 years ago I had pet insurance and to be honest - it didn't save me any money. Now - it might, but it's unlikely. Our vet has a program that you can apply for that allows you to pay off your balance over 12 months and have 0% interest. We took advantage of that program to deal with Chance's vet costs. We'll probably do the same with the puppy vaccines as well as Meg's spay. Those things are all up for grabs.

Pet insurance would be fabulous if it worked like my old insurance rather than my new insurance. What happens is you pay up front then send in your reimbursement fomrs and they may or may not reimburse you for the exact amount. Not fun as my vet fees were generally more than their reasonable and customary. As Chance got older the premium increased. I paid a lot more for the insurance than I paid for the vet... so cost/benefit just wasn't there. Even now it wouldn't be there. To insure Chance who now is geriatric and would be considered high risk as he's got degenerative disk disease (which wasn't covered of course) would cost us more than what we've had to pay for his 3 surgeries and follow ups. So... right now it's just not worth it.

Hope that helps to explain things. My company does offer a discount, but truthfully it still wouldn't be worth it in the long run.

We're leaving in the morning (Friday) after another vet appointment. Chance's recheck was postponed until Friday as they were swamped. So Friday will be our day of travel.

Delurking Week? My other home...

Did you know it was delurking week? I had forgotten I admit, however now I've come out of the woodwork to all the blogs I read - at least most of those...

So if you're reading this - please post a comment so I know you're out there!

As for my other home... it's the vet's. With the addition of the puppies into this household I've managed to spend a LOT of time at the vet's office. While I love my vet I would like to see her a bit less frequently. Monday found D taking Chance in for a check up of his wounds... of course he's been switched to yet another antibiotic. Thursday I'll probably take him back to the vet's for another check and we'll see how this goes. One part of his wound is just not healing quite right. Such a pain. I'm sure it is for him as well.

Tuesday found me coming home from a very long night at work and thinking hmmm Emmy just isn't acting quite right -she's way too cuddly. D convinced me to just check when I got up and we'd go from there. Of course I got up late and well Emmy still wasn't acting right so fortunately D could take her to the vet. When you take one puppy to the vet though you take ALL puppies to the vet. So D had 6 6 week old puppies in the car in a box and he was driving in snow. Emmy had to have some antibiotics, fluids, and well is now on the road to recovery from a bug. How she got a bug NO one knows, but she did.

Oh yes and Sunday I gave too much wormer to one of the pups so I had to call the vet and find out if it was dangerous... then induce vomiting. Fun times here I tell ya.

Add in ovulation and attempting to procreate and now the addition of antibiotics for 2 dogs, PIO for me and boy let me tell you it is fun times at our house.

We of course have to leave today (Thursday) to go to my mom's (the other side of the state 3 hour drive) with 10 dogs (yes all are going) and go to a memorial service for D's aunt. We must be nuts...

Nothing to report here on the reproductive front... too early to tell I think I'm like 3-4 dpo. Something like that... will of course keep you posted.

Apparently My Recap was a bit...

Well depressing?

I had D look at my recap before posting it and he goes - hmm I think that about covers it. See - we look at the past year and shrug and go... okay move on... and for us still standing, still loving one another - that's the part that matters. A baby would be fabulous, but if we didn't have our love it wouldn't be worth it. Now... as I drink my sangria and try to tune out the puppy that is screaming like a banshee... Scratch that... as I hold two puppies and try to keep Lola from winding them up!

To answer some of the comments...

Thalia - I've been tested for all the clotting factors as well as the immunological factors and was negative. I do have idiopathic thrombocytopenia, but that just means I've got a ton of bruises because I'm still taking the baby aspirin just in case. I've always had awful bruising so the aspirin really hasn't affected that much.

Dino D - yep Chance is the geriatric dachshund and he's doing better finally... as for sanity - did I ever really have any?

DD - LOL yeah seeing it all laid out sucks but it's a new year and I don't have hives on my bum :D and I agree 2006 at the very least brought me closer to you as well as a lot of other bloggers... and maybe that's what I take from 2006 - some friends that truly understand and that's a good thing!

Oh in regards to the puppies... we have 3 that are spoken for and 3 still to find homes for... Green - is now Louie, Teal (light blue) - Emmy Lou, and then Red - aka runt will be going to my FIL who does not yet have a name picked out.

On the reproductive front we're in high mode on the monitor... I anticipate O sometime before the end of the week but heck who knows when. So whenever that peak occurs we'll then have to start the PIO after that... Maybe we'll start the year off right rather than the way we ended it?

A girl can dream right?

I Apparently Have A Second Home

Nope it's not my mom's house... it's the vet's. I found myself looking at Chance's (aka geriatric dachshund) wound on Sunday and Monday and going... hmmm rubbing my chin and then dragging him to brighter light. Asking D to take a look and watching D shrug his shoulders and go "you're the medical professional" gee thanks honey... He had some drainage - we knew he would. However there was a questionable area that we also weren't sure if it would be able to be closed and well that area was draining some fluid that could possibly be described as pus. So since D adamantly protested calling the vet - stating "I never tell her the right things" I made the call as I was driving to work. The vet and I talked - she's wonderful and stated "I thought about calling and seeing how he was doing as I was thinking of you guys..." I explained the situation and we decided he was good for the night, but that on Tuesday morning he would need to be seen.

So - Tuesday morning after working all night and D working all night - don't worry the puppies were fine - they were sleeping like lizards on the dog bed it was quite comical... I came home - let Meg, Ernie and Lola out. Coaxed Meg in to see the puppies - nurse for a bit and then that's when things started going wrong... I ran out to give Lola and Ernie some water - suddenly Meg is out and the puppies are out preparing to poop on my bedroom floor. Okay nursing is done... so I put Meg in her kennel, get the puppies back into their play yard and latch it with the caribeener. Get Lola back inside and hear Chance bellering... and I think a puppy as well.

I come to the bedroom and find - one puppy out... one puppy stuck and Chance is hollering because one of the puppies is hollering and he's worried about it. Don't worry the little houdinis were fine. I resecure the play yard and talk to the puppies explaining D will be back shortly and that they needed to lay their tookus's down and wait for him to come home to feed them a real meal. They all sat looking at me intently - I should have known better. However they are sweet and innocent looking.

D was approximately 10 minutes away... I grab Chance get him outside, pottied and into a lush box to carry him to the vet and again - check to make sure puppies are not out. Ernie and Lola are in their respective kennels... Off to the vet we go.

D and I talk on the phone I warn him that they are their mother's children and that they are escape artists and are capable of breaking and entering. D laughs as in "hahaha she's exaggerating" We get off the phone when he gets home and about two seconds later - I'm almost to the vet's my phone rings. Apparently 3 had managed to escape and the 4th had clogged the getaway route by getting hung up. So D came home to pooping and peeing puppies and well... they apparently were having a grand old time... I had to hang up - I was at the vet and then of course I was laughing as well because heck my morning hadn't gone all that well and at least he was cleaning things up!

So we wait a bit at the vet's. Chance now thinks he owns the joint and greets all the desk girls with barks of delight and wags of the tail. He also has become a bit barky when others enter the joint. We get in to see the vet and we learn Chance has lost a pound with his liposuction and belly lift (seriously my pooch had quite a bit of extra skin and it's highly likely that that's the case rather than a lack of appetite because he didn't miss that many meals.). He's a svelte 11.2 lbs. The wound while it doesn't look bad does have a pus pocket... the vet feels this should heal on it's own, and we changed antibiotics in the hopes of better coverage. In the meantime I get to clean Chance's wound and keep an eye on things. He may in the future due to the tightness of his belly lift (he lost quite a bit of skin) require more surgery to release the scar tissue but right now we're kind of in wait and see mode. He's happy as a clam - wants to play with the puppies - REALLY wants to play with the puppies - become all giddy just looking at them when they walk past his kennel... we're waiting until he's healed to allow that kind of behavior.

So yeah uhmm that's what's going on at my house. We're hoping to stay away from the vet's until he has to have the stitches out - but at least they're nice...