One night down, four more to go. As always life at work is interesting. We'll leave it at that...
Onward and upward right my friends? So what are you doing this weekend? Other than working I'm obsessing about beta days and trying to get my husband to understand what 13 dpo means. I may have to take him to the beta base so he can look at numbers and figure out which range he'd like to see. He said I'd like triple digit numbers... yeah uhmm sure - we haven't soon those since last June good luck with that.
He had to leave early on Friday because he had been called to court. Want to know how this generally goes? He gets a subpeona, then he starts driving to the courthouse and then... he gets a call saying "Oh we don't need you" or "they took a plea". Yep, you guessed it this happened on Friday. They didn't need him. The kicker to me is that he called and spoke with the prosecutor and they told him he was needed on Thursday. Yet, less than 14 hours later they didn't. Thanks for f'ing with our lives. I guess it's just a part of the crap we have to deal with.
Enough ranting... now tell me what you know about lawns? We moved into our home about a year ago. So lawn wise - we don't have one (yes, I'll take a picture so you can see my lawn of weeds). Anyways... D wants to put in a lawn. I don't. Want to know why? I don't want to have to mow it. I'm not trying to impress anyone - I hate gardening. I have a black thumb. I'm a pale girl (ghost like even) why would I want to be out in the sun? I have visions of us putting in a lawn and ME having to take care of it. Right now a good majority of household chores fall to me as I'm the one lives in the house the most... by live I mean sleep. I don't want another chore.
Am I being lazy? Yes... Yes I am. Am I bothered by that? No. I have other things I HAVE to do. Lawn care is not on my HAVE to do list. It's on my would be nice to have only if husband is actually living full time with me list. This also includes building a deck, painting, and cleaning the basement. D doesn't understand. His words are that a lawn would only need to be mowed once a week. I somehow see this as me mowing the lawn... I hate mowing lawn. We have no lawn mower.
For once I'm being the penny pincher... I'm waiting for bills to come in from the RE's office that have been rejected by our insurance. I know it's a matter of time. I go to the mailbox with dread every day because I know it's going to happen... eventually. Hopefully not soon though. I'd like to squirrel away a bit more money first. Yes, I'm greedy... I have visions of what if this actually works then how are we going to pay for x, y, z...
Ah the fantasy land of the two week wait... yes, it's driving me nuts and I'm only 4 dpo so lets see how I am come next week... This could be interesting. Wish me luck!
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Hodge Podge and Catch Up
First - images of D and my mom standing at the coffee pot are pretty accurate. If you also imagined banging on this vapor locked coffee machine you'd be pretty much up to date. It even got put in the freezer in the hopes it would release so they could try again. I amazingly enough (the not mechanically inclined wife/daughter) was able to get their coffee machine open. D kissed me... hard... and said with sparkling eyes "I LOVE YOU!" Then immediately cleaned the coffee machine and put a new pod in to make his coffee. If you imagine me shaking my head - you'd be right. So that's the story of the coffee monster er monsters that I get to live with. Fortunately I love them and have become very adept at making them their single serve coffee if I'm up and about. It's primarily my mom that I do this for.
Now this week has been interesting to say the least... I have much news bubbling under the surface. Involving septic tanks, springing leaks, heartbeats, interviews, thoughts of when to beta, finding lost CD's and well good old fashioned exhaustion. I'll try to keep posting, but I go back to work tonight and will work each night until Wednesday morning. I'm not sure when I'm going to do a beta. I know that leaves a lot of people wondering, but I'm going to try and let D decide. The 4 days I have in mind are dependent on where we are at that time. The RE's office likes for the betas to be done at the same lab. So after Easter I'd have to do either Mon, Wed or Thur, Sat... I'm not sure what I'll do and I'm not sure D knows what he wants to do. I just know that next week when we leave to go to my mom's I won't be bringing any hpt's with me - and that is almost a miracle!
On a sad note - a childhood friend of D's Mom is ill. Right now they aren't exactly certain what is going on as she's got multiple health problems, but hypertension (high blood pressure) seems to be her biggest symptom as well as a headache that won't go away. (yes, I know the headache could be a sign of the bp) The point is prayers are welcome. I've met this woman and she's so very nice and kind - almost too kind, but I've found that this woman is genuine. So prayers are appreciated that K's mom makes a swift recovery and that they find out why this is happening.
Now on with the show!
I get these emails called daily inspiration every day (hence daily) anyways the last couple days have yielded some interesting thoughts... this one popped up in my email this morning.
Quote of the Day
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." – Peter Marshall
Yesterday's was... "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."– Franklin D. Roosevelt
And then the day before was... "You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result."– Mahatma Gandhi
Okay so I'd rather be like diamonds and be formed under pressure, but I think I'm already diamond like right? As for the trying something - we're definitely doing that... and then I do like the last one of if you don't try there will be no result. Well we're definitely all for trying because darnit we like results.
Anyways the point is that I don't know that I'll ever be able to just give up. It's not in my nature to do so. Even if this cycle doesn't work we'll most likely try something new... just not with injectables- not right now. We'll talk to the RE, but we've managed to get pregnant without drugs how about do the old fashioned thing and just try with the progesterone after ovulation. If it works great... if not then that's fine as well - but that's my next step or plan as it is... (I always have to have a plan during the two week wait).
While this month I responded much better than I did last month a part of me is nervous that this won't work. I say nervous because financially we've already said that we can't try anything more invasive until we've built up our savings. Savings is not my forte' it's my husband's, but to build up our savings that means me picking up extra shifts and to be honest... I don't WANT to work more. Mentally my profession can be exhausting... and the thought of increasing my mental exhaustion just makes me go run to the bedroom and cover up with covers for the interim. So what is the solution? What's my plan?
There isn't one. Sometimes you don't have a solution. Sometimes all you have is find a way to keep on going on and that's all you can do. Surviving is not admitting defeat it's just that surviving to come back another day and fight the good fight. I'm not defeated, I'm not a quitter, I'm just a woman with a wonderful husband, a cooky mother, 3 wonderful dogs that knows that most things in life that truly are wonderful don't come easily. To know that most things in life don't come easily all I have to do is look at my past.
I met my husband when I was about to give up on finding love. We've managed to survive the odds - living a weird wacky way of 3 hours apart and we're going through all of this losses in 1 year and we're still okay. My relationship with my mom - hasn't always been smooth, in fact it's been rocky. Now we have a great relationship - she loves my husband and respects both of us. 3 wonderful dogs - well 90% of the time they're wonderful the other 10% they're driving us nuts - but I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Easy is just not a part of who I am. So why should I expect that having a baby would be "easy". I don't. I went into this rat race with my eyes wide open, and slowly I had to open my husbands to the fact that this might not be easy. It hasn't, but we're still together, we still love one another, and we still want to keep trying. So we'll keep trying, and if we fail, we'll keep trying.
Now this week has been interesting to say the least... I have much news bubbling under the surface. Involving septic tanks, springing leaks, heartbeats, interviews, thoughts of when to beta, finding lost CD's and well good old fashioned exhaustion. I'll try to keep posting, but I go back to work tonight and will work each night until Wednesday morning. I'm not sure when I'm going to do a beta. I know that leaves a lot of people wondering, but I'm going to try and let D decide. The 4 days I have in mind are dependent on where we are at that time. The RE's office likes for the betas to be done at the same lab. So after Easter I'd have to do either Mon, Wed or Thur, Sat... I'm not sure what I'll do and I'm not sure D knows what he wants to do. I just know that next week when we leave to go to my mom's I won't be bringing any hpt's with me - and that is almost a miracle!
On a sad note - a childhood friend of D's Mom is ill. Right now they aren't exactly certain what is going on as she's got multiple health problems, but hypertension (high blood pressure) seems to be her biggest symptom as well as a headache that won't go away. (yes, I know the headache could be a sign of the bp) The point is prayers are welcome. I've met this woman and she's so very nice and kind - almost too kind, but I've found that this woman is genuine. So prayers are appreciated that K's mom makes a swift recovery and that they find out why this is happening.
Now on with the show!
I get these emails called daily inspiration every day (hence daily) anyways the last couple days have yielded some interesting thoughts... this one popped up in my email this morning.
Quote of the Day
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." – Peter Marshall
Yesterday's was... "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."– Franklin D. Roosevelt
And then the day before was... "You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result."– Mahatma Gandhi
Okay so I'd rather be like diamonds and be formed under pressure, but I think I'm already diamond like right? As for the trying something - we're definitely doing that... and then I do like the last one of if you don't try there will be no result. Well we're definitely all for trying because darnit we like results.
Anyways the point is that I don't know that I'll ever be able to just give up. It's not in my nature to do so. Even if this cycle doesn't work we'll most likely try something new... just not with injectables- not right now. We'll talk to the RE, but we've managed to get pregnant without drugs how about do the old fashioned thing and just try with the progesterone after ovulation. If it works great... if not then that's fine as well - but that's my next step or plan as it is... (I always have to have a plan during the two week wait).
While this month I responded much better than I did last month a part of me is nervous that this won't work. I say nervous because financially we've already said that we can't try anything more invasive until we've built up our savings. Savings is not my forte' it's my husband's, but to build up our savings that means me picking up extra shifts and to be honest... I don't WANT to work more. Mentally my profession can be exhausting... and the thought of increasing my mental exhaustion just makes me go run to the bedroom and cover up with covers for the interim. So what is the solution? What's my plan?
There isn't one. Sometimes you don't have a solution. Sometimes all you have is find a way to keep on going on and that's all you can do. Surviving is not admitting defeat it's just that surviving to come back another day and fight the good fight. I'm not defeated, I'm not a quitter, I'm just a woman with a wonderful husband, a cooky mother, 3 wonderful dogs that knows that most things in life that truly are wonderful don't come easily. To know that most things in life don't come easily all I have to do is look at my past.
I met my husband when I was about to give up on finding love. We've managed to survive the odds - living a weird wacky way of 3 hours apart and we're going through all of this losses in 1 year and we're still okay. My relationship with my mom - hasn't always been smooth, in fact it's been rocky. Now we have a great relationship - she loves my husband and respects both of us. 3 wonderful dogs - well 90% of the time they're wonderful the other 10% they're driving us nuts - but I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Easy is just not a part of who I am. So why should I expect that having a baby would be "easy". I don't. I went into this rat race with my eyes wide open, and slowly I had to open my husbands to the fact that this might not be easy. It hasn't, but we're still together, we still love one another, and we still want to keep trying. So we'll keep trying, and if we fail, we'll keep trying.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Coffee Monster...
First and foremost... I don't drink coffee... I haven't drank coffee in a long long time. Never been real big on it, but a year and a half ago I gave up caffeine. I rarely (meaning once ever 3 or 4 months) get a decaf skim white chocolate mocha... but I'm definitely not the coffee drinker of the house. I'm definitely more a cookie monster than a coffee monster.
That would mean that D is. When we first met D was a maxwell house kind of guy. Now we've created a monster. My loving husband has 3 coffee pots that he has gotten since we got married. The first was a shower gift - he registered for it and was like a kid in a candy store when he opened it. The second is a Senseo One to One single cup coffee maker that he got for a very reasonable price by taking a picture of how he'd dispose of his drip coffee maker. The third showed up last week. I shook my head at this point and believe yelled "Why do we need another coffee maker?" This one is a Keurig B50 kcup single serve coffee brewer. His response... but look I saved us x number of dollars by going with this deal and you don't have to buy me a Bunn My Pod coffee maker for Christmas (like I would have but seriously).
My husband - scrooge mcduck... is now a coffee snob! Maxwell house is not good enough for his finicky pallate... no we've got coffee pods by flava pod (now flavor pod), baronnet, melitta, etc... we have k-cups by green mountain coffee. He even now surfs the message boards regarding single serve coffee. While initially shocked by all this... I've now grown to accept it. I'm the treasurer of this relationship so we discuss before we buy anything out of the ordinary... $75 dollars worth of coffee is out of the ordinary... So if he goes for my scrapbook stuff I tend to let him get his coffee stuff. It's a fair trade right? It also has gotten him off my case about my internet usage and has significantly decreased his xbox time.
So am I creating a coffee monster? I'm not sure, I think he created himself. The unfortunate part is that we now have two coffee monsters in my mom's house... she now has a Senseo single serve and my husband and her decided to make their own pods to use up their old coffee.
Imagine if you will my mother - who doesn't wake up pretty putting in this pod. The coffee maker not spitting out their nectar of the gods fix at 4 a.m in the morning. Then the coffee maker sealing itself and not allowing them to get the coffee pod out to try and make another cup of coffee. I've seen this happen a couple of times. It took the Senseo about 3 days to break the vacuum lock on the bugger. It was a LONG 3 days. I thought the two coffee monsters were going to go out and buy another coffee maker. I'm still quite surprised that they didn't. Fortunately most of those bugs have been worked out. They've learned how to prevent that from occurring. I just pity the fools that get between them and their morning cup of coffee. It's not pretty what could result.
That would mean that D is. When we first met D was a maxwell house kind of guy. Now we've created a monster. My loving husband has 3 coffee pots that he has gotten since we got married. The first was a shower gift - he registered for it and was like a kid in a candy store when he opened it. The second is a Senseo One to One single cup coffee maker that he got for a very reasonable price by taking a picture of how he'd dispose of his drip coffee maker. The third showed up last week. I shook my head at this point and believe yelled "Why do we need another coffee maker?" This one is a Keurig B50 kcup single serve coffee brewer. His response... but look I saved us x number of dollars by going with this deal and you don't have to buy me a Bunn My Pod coffee maker for Christmas (like I would have but seriously).
My husband - scrooge mcduck... is now a coffee snob! Maxwell house is not good enough for his finicky pallate... no we've got coffee pods by flava pod (now flavor pod), baronnet, melitta, etc... we have k-cups by green mountain coffee. He even now surfs the message boards regarding single serve coffee. While initially shocked by all this... I've now grown to accept it. I'm the treasurer of this relationship so we discuss before we buy anything out of the ordinary... $75 dollars worth of coffee is out of the ordinary... So if he goes for my scrapbook stuff I tend to let him get his coffee stuff. It's a fair trade right? It also has gotten him off my case about my internet usage and has significantly decreased his xbox time.
So am I creating a coffee monster? I'm not sure, I think he created himself. The unfortunate part is that we now have two coffee monsters in my mom's house... she now has a Senseo single serve and my husband and her decided to make their own pods to use up their old coffee.
Imagine if you will my mother - who doesn't wake up pretty putting in this pod. The coffee maker not spitting out their nectar of the gods fix at 4 a.m in the morning. Then the coffee maker sealing itself and not allowing them to get the coffee pod out to try and make another cup of coffee. I've seen this happen a couple of times. It took the Senseo about 3 days to break the vacuum lock on the bugger. It was a LONG 3 days. I thought the two coffee monsters were going to go out and buy another coffee maker. I'm still quite surprised that they didn't. Fortunately most of those bugs have been worked out. They've learned how to prevent that from occurring. I just pity the fools that get between them and their morning cup of coffee. It's not pretty what could result.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Varying Degrees
I have a lot of blogs that I read on a fairly regular basis. One of them is Dino - Frozen Not Fossilized who recently posted about pain. It made me think. In a good way.
One of the things I try not to do is compare my pain to someone elses. It just isn't possible. As a nurse I follow Margo McCaffery's (1968) definition of pain: "Pain is whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does... So by that definition my 5 may be another person's 10.
I can't even begin to explain as a nurse how frustrating that definition is, but it is what it is. What is supposed to happen when someone is in pain? It is supposed to be treated. How do you treat the emotional pain of pregnancy loss, infertility, etc? There's no easy answer for that. Some would say alcohol, others therapy, blogs, friendships, etc.
A few months ago a friend was hurt by my optimism... Both of us had been ttc for a while.. she longer than I. Her way of coping was much different than my way of coping. Words were said, feelings were hurt as is generally the case and eventually we got over it. That's what friends do.
What my friend didn't realise until I told her was that my optimism was my treatment for my own pain. The only person that knew that at the time was my husband. Even he was becoming Mr. Optimistic... (he generally is Mr. Pessimistic so a small miracle was taking place). He knew that for me to feel okay with all that we had been through I had to stay optimistic, that eventually things would go our way.
I couldn't focus on the facts - that we've been praying, trying etc to get him a job over by our house for the past 2.5 years, that we'd been trying to have a baby for almost a year and all we had to show for it was a few pictures of positive pregnancy tests and the diagnosis of habitual aborter. These facts I'm ignoring and will continue to do so for a while longer. I know they're there. I'm fine with that, but they won't ever stay in the fore front of my life.
To do that would just not be me... instead I'll focus on 3 years of knowing and loving a wonderful man and that even with all the losses every time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test we've had hope and optimism - even for a brief few minutes that feeling is something to treasure.
This month we've triggered and sometime in a little over 2 weeks or so we'll know whether this worked or not. Until then I'm going to go treat whatever pain I have with optimism and hope that this worked... I hope that whatever pain has brought you here is treated by whatever you find comfort in. I also hope I haven't caused you more pain with my optimism. If I have I'm sorry, but at least now you know why there's generally a lot of optimism around here. It's my drug of choice... now if only I could bottle that. I think Optimism and Hope would be wonderful drugs and my wish for you is that you take a little bit of the two of those. No matter what your story is... everyone deserves Hope and Optimism.
One of the things I try not to do is compare my pain to someone elses. It just isn't possible. As a nurse I follow Margo McCaffery's (1968) definition of pain: "Pain is whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does... So by that definition my 5 may be another person's 10.
I can't even begin to explain as a nurse how frustrating that definition is, but it is what it is. What is supposed to happen when someone is in pain? It is supposed to be treated. How do you treat the emotional pain of pregnancy loss, infertility, etc? There's no easy answer for that. Some would say alcohol, others therapy, blogs, friendships, etc.
A few months ago a friend was hurt by my optimism... Both of us had been ttc for a while.. she longer than I. Her way of coping was much different than my way of coping. Words were said, feelings were hurt as is generally the case and eventually we got over it. That's what friends do.
What my friend didn't realise until I told her was that my optimism was my treatment for my own pain. The only person that knew that at the time was my husband. Even he was becoming Mr. Optimistic... (he generally is Mr. Pessimistic so a small miracle was taking place). He knew that for me to feel okay with all that we had been through I had to stay optimistic, that eventually things would go our way.
I couldn't focus on the facts - that we've been praying, trying etc to get him a job over by our house for the past 2.5 years, that we'd been trying to have a baby for almost a year and all we had to show for it was a few pictures of positive pregnancy tests and the diagnosis of habitual aborter. These facts I'm ignoring and will continue to do so for a while longer. I know they're there. I'm fine with that, but they won't ever stay in the fore front of my life.
To do that would just not be me... instead I'll focus on 3 years of knowing and loving a wonderful man and that even with all the losses every time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test we've had hope and optimism - even for a brief few minutes that feeling is something to treasure.
This month we've triggered and sometime in a little over 2 weeks or so we'll know whether this worked or not. Until then I'm going to go treat whatever pain I have with optimism and hope that this worked... I hope that whatever pain has brought you here is treated by whatever you find comfort in. I also hope I haven't caused you more pain with my optimism. If I have I'm sorry, but at least now you know why there's generally a lot of optimism around here. It's my drug of choice... now if only I could bottle that. I think Optimism and Hope would be wonderful drugs and my wish for you is that you take a little bit of the two of those. No matter what your story is... everyone deserves Hope and Optimism.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Definitely on the Bad Grand Kids List
We recently (okay it was last night) went over to his parents house. Normally we go over about every other weekend and the visits go smoothly (when we're not educating them about the wrongs in the family). Well... this weekend Grandma was there.
In a previous post I elluded to Grandma... Well Grandma doesn't give you the warm squishy vibe. We have 1 picture of Grandma at our wedding and we've heard stories of Grandma's diatribe at our wedding reception regarding the food choices we made. She basically sat at a table with an angry look on her face the whole reception.
Well the last visit D had with Grandma he pretty much got on the "Bad Grandkid" list. We were pretty sure we were not yet off the list... When I walked in the temperature drop was almost palpable. I believe it became about a nice chilly 40 degrees in the house. Grandma said nothing to me, not hi, not kiss my butt. I said hi to MIL and ran the hell out of the house to find D and fil.
Now I don't like to cause problems with my husband's family - they just naturally occur. As D and I get more comfortable in our relationship and our "family" we've come to a few conclusions. If you don't like us that's fine, don't come around, don't pretend - we'll do the same. Which is why we'll not be going to any group birthdays out at Grandma's anymore. We'll go to the obligatory Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that they're on their own. This is our family policy. It is not reserved just for D's family - but also mine. It's a blanket policy and we've so far very pleased with it. I think we need to tell Grandma of our new policy ;)
Anyways so dinner is served and Grandma literally does not say anything at the dinner table. Normally conversations flow pretty easily at the in laws. Last night it was pretty silent. Everyone just stared at their plates and ate dinner.
Later on I looked at D and said - "Do you think it was something you said last time?" Because last time D told her that her one felon of a grandson was lucky that he hadn't had to serve more time... And that her son was a low life thief who was stealing from his grandkids. D started laughing... To the point that fil asked what we were laughing about. We didn't clue him in... Yet.
We had all 3 dogs with us last night and well one weird thing that keeps happening whenever Lola is around Grandma is... If Grandma stands up... Lola starts barking, growling, snarling, spitting. She does this also to my brother the jack ass and his wife. We've concluded that Lola has good taste in people. Lola did this behavior last night. We initially thought it was from noise that Ernie had made laying down on the floor, however when I went to find her she was focused solely on Grandma, barking spitting, hair standing up on her back just a growling. I grabbed her and then handed her to D... And said it's your Grandma she's upset about. D whispered in her ear... "Good girl"
On the car ride home we talked about the events. D called Grandma's behavior 2 year old like... And that she was a spiteful mean old woman. He also gave Lola a lick of ice cream for her behavior. Somehow I don't see us coming off the list anytime soon... However what she doesn't know is she's on ours as well and that this visit kind of sealed the deal on that one for us.
In a previous post I elluded to Grandma... Well Grandma doesn't give you the warm squishy vibe. We have 1 picture of Grandma at our wedding and we've heard stories of Grandma's diatribe at our wedding reception regarding the food choices we made. She basically sat at a table with an angry look on her face the whole reception.
Well the last visit D had with Grandma he pretty much got on the "Bad Grandkid" list. We were pretty sure we were not yet off the list... When I walked in the temperature drop was almost palpable. I believe it became about a nice chilly 40 degrees in the house. Grandma said nothing to me, not hi, not kiss my butt. I said hi to MIL and ran the hell out of the house to find D and fil.
Now I don't like to cause problems with my husband's family - they just naturally occur. As D and I get more comfortable in our relationship and our "family" we've come to a few conclusions. If you don't like us that's fine, don't come around, don't pretend - we'll do the same. Which is why we'll not be going to any group birthdays out at Grandma's anymore. We'll go to the obligatory Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that they're on their own. This is our family policy. It is not reserved just for D's family - but also mine. It's a blanket policy and we've so far very pleased with it. I think we need to tell Grandma of our new policy ;)
Anyways so dinner is served and Grandma literally does not say anything at the dinner table. Normally conversations flow pretty easily at the in laws. Last night it was pretty silent. Everyone just stared at their plates and ate dinner.
Later on I looked at D and said - "Do you think it was something you said last time?" Because last time D told her that her one felon of a grandson was lucky that he hadn't had to serve more time... And that her son was a low life thief who was stealing from his grandkids. D started laughing... To the point that fil asked what we were laughing about. We didn't clue him in... Yet.
We had all 3 dogs with us last night and well one weird thing that keeps happening whenever Lola is around Grandma is... If Grandma stands up... Lola starts barking, growling, snarling, spitting. She does this also to my brother the jack ass and his wife. We've concluded that Lola has good taste in people. Lola did this behavior last night. We initially thought it was from noise that Ernie had made laying down on the floor, however when I went to find her she was focused solely on Grandma, barking spitting, hair standing up on her back just a growling. I grabbed her and then handed her to D... And said it's your Grandma she's upset about. D whispered in her ear... "Good girl"
On the car ride home we talked about the events. D called Grandma's behavior 2 year old like... And that she was a spiteful mean old woman. He also gave Lola a lick of ice cream for her behavior. Somehow I don't see us coming off the list anytime soon... However what she doesn't know is she's on ours as well and that this visit kind of sealed the deal on that one for us.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
If you risk nothing... nothing is gained.
So... I think I stopped the story at the point where I went to work. I work 12 hour shifts so 7p-7a. Well it was the end of my stretch at work and it was a particularly crappy night. Everyone wanted to go out in the morning for breakfast/adult beverages. So I went out and had a drink and some breakfast and then thought holy crap I'm going home to a cop at my house... I can't drink and drive! So I stayed a while longer and sobered up some more (not that I was drunk it was 1 drink, but still just in case).
When I got home D was sitting on the couch - Chance was pacing frantically. Apparently Chance just was not thrilled with me not being home at the appropriate time. When I got home D and I talked for quite a while... me with no sleep tends to be a rambling girl. He and I just talked... about our past relationships what they were like, what went wrong, etc... what we were looking for now... I learned a lot about him that day and he learned a lot about me. I tend to be an open book - even more of an open book when sleep deprived and with alcohol in my system.
Fortunately I didn't freak him out too badly as he didn't run screaming out of the house. At some point I'm sure I went to sleep and then we got up and went out to dinner with the mutual friend L. We had a great time, we went out to TGI Friday's and just had a great time, great meal, great drinks, etc. I think L knew something was up with the two of us, but she didn't ask questions. She was hoping we'd hit it off... and fortunately we did.
After L went home we stayed up talking again... eventually we kissed. Now I'm not much on a kiss meaning something, but that was the first kiss that left me with a feeling down to my toes that it was right. He's the only guy I've ever kissed with a mustache - and initially I'm sure I blamed it on that, but there was this spark... and I'm not generally cheesy, but it just felt so right. Not that he's the best kisser or that I am, but that kiss was perfect and I knew this was the guy I was meant to be with. I of course did not disclose this information to D and spent most of the night convincing myself that what I felt was a fluke... which of course meant I had to kiss him again! That feeling was still there and it left me very conflicted about what to do...
The next day D had to leave to go back to the other side of the state... we made arrangements for D to see me on my stretch off on Monday at my parents house. On my way into work I called and talked to my dad. I told him about D and that I thought this might be the one. My dad - was quite surprised by this news as I had never called and said something like that to him before. While he was reserving judgment... my dad gave me this advice. "If you risk nothing, then nothing is gained. If this guy is the one you'll know and he'll love you for the person that you are - the good, the bad, and the ugly as well as the beautiful." So he basically left me with a lot of thinking... which me and thinking is never a good thing.
D and I talked on the phone and emailed until Monday came. D was terrified that my parents wouldn't approve. He was going to be spending the night at my parents house. My dad got to love him was of the "You're an adult" opinion... so D stayed the night in my room, and he met my parents and I met his, and we talked...
I have to interject here that I had a personal rule that I never broke... that rule was "Never say I love you first." Bottom line the guy had to say it first. I wanted so badly to break that rule. I had never had those feelings so quickly or had them feel so strong before in my life and they were constantly on the tip of my tongue... Thank goodness I didn't have to break my rule... after much coaxing D said the words. He also said this is too fast, I know we should slow down, etc etc. We talked, we cried, we kissed but saying those words made my heart leap.
Some of our friends and some family (mostly his) felt we were rushing things... we didn't feel that way - we still don't. We feel as if we've known each other forever. When I reminded D of what yesterday was - he laughed and said I've known you for 10 years just because you don't remember me doesn't mean I've forgotten!
D is many things to me, he's my best friend. He knows me better than many of my oldest friends do. He knows on a level that they can't even begin to understand because he gets to see me without any of my barriers... he knows my weaknesses, and he knows my strengths. He loves me for the good, the bad, and the ugly and he treasures the beautiful. I'm fortunate that that April 1st when he knocked on my door that I recognized there was something there. That my preconceived notions of what I wanted in a guy (tall - D's 5'8", dark - he's got light brown hair, handsome - he is that) didn't matter anymore. When I looked into his eyes I knew that this guy was special. I'm glad that I recognized it and didn't let him slip away.
We said those 3 magic words less than 2 weeks into our new relationship... we got engaged 9 months after we met. We were married 17 months after we met. Some said we were rushing it - some thought we were getting married because we were pregnant (stop laughing it could have been the case, but it wasn't!)... I prefer to think that we were making up for lost time - we'd met 9 years prior to all of this and had missed the opportunity then. Sometimes God has a wonderful way of making things work out... I never dreamed I'd marry a cop that worked in my hometown while living 3 hours away, but I did and I am so very glad that I did.
He's definitely been worth the risk especially for all that I've gained.
When I got home D was sitting on the couch - Chance was pacing frantically. Apparently Chance just was not thrilled with me not being home at the appropriate time. When I got home D and I talked for quite a while... me with no sleep tends to be a rambling girl. He and I just talked... about our past relationships what they were like, what went wrong, etc... what we were looking for now... I learned a lot about him that day and he learned a lot about me. I tend to be an open book - even more of an open book when sleep deprived and with alcohol in my system.
Fortunately I didn't freak him out too badly as he didn't run screaming out of the house. At some point I'm sure I went to sleep and then we got up and went out to dinner with the mutual friend L. We had a great time, we went out to TGI Friday's and just had a great time, great meal, great drinks, etc. I think L knew something was up with the two of us, but she didn't ask questions. She was hoping we'd hit it off... and fortunately we did.
After L went home we stayed up talking again... eventually we kissed. Now I'm not much on a kiss meaning something, but that was the first kiss that left me with a feeling down to my toes that it was right. He's the only guy I've ever kissed with a mustache - and initially I'm sure I blamed it on that, but there was this spark... and I'm not generally cheesy, but it just felt so right. Not that he's the best kisser or that I am, but that kiss was perfect and I knew this was the guy I was meant to be with. I of course did not disclose this information to D and spent most of the night convincing myself that what I felt was a fluke... which of course meant I had to kiss him again! That feeling was still there and it left me very conflicted about what to do...
The next day D had to leave to go back to the other side of the state... we made arrangements for D to see me on my stretch off on Monday at my parents house. On my way into work I called and talked to my dad. I told him about D and that I thought this might be the one. My dad - was quite surprised by this news as I had never called and said something like that to him before. While he was reserving judgment... my dad gave me this advice. "If you risk nothing, then nothing is gained. If this guy is the one you'll know and he'll love you for the person that you are - the good, the bad, and the ugly as well as the beautiful." So he basically left me with a lot of thinking... which me and thinking is never a good thing.
D and I talked on the phone and emailed until Monday came. D was terrified that my parents wouldn't approve. He was going to be spending the night at my parents house. My dad got to love him was of the "You're an adult" opinion... so D stayed the night in my room, and he met my parents and I met his, and we talked...
I have to interject here that I had a personal rule that I never broke... that rule was "Never say I love you first." Bottom line the guy had to say it first. I wanted so badly to break that rule. I had never had those feelings so quickly or had them feel so strong before in my life and they were constantly on the tip of my tongue... Thank goodness I didn't have to break my rule... after much coaxing D said the words. He also said this is too fast, I know we should slow down, etc etc. We talked, we cried, we kissed but saying those words made my heart leap.
Some of our friends and some family (mostly his) felt we were rushing things... we didn't feel that way - we still don't. We feel as if we've known each other forever. When I reminded D of what yesterday was - he laughed and said I've known you for 10 years just because you don't remember me doesn't mean I've forgotten!
D is many things to me, he's my best friend. He knows me better than many of my oldest friends do. He knows on a level that they can't even begin to understand because he gets to see me without any of my barriers... he knows my weaknesses, and he knows my strengths. He loves me for the good, the bad, and the ugly and he treasures the beautiful. I'm fortunate that that April 1st when he knocked on my door that I recognized there was something there. That my preconceived notions of what I wanted in a guy (tall - D's 5'8", dark - he's got light brown hair, handsome - he is that) didn't matter anymore. When I looked into his eyes I knew that this guy was special. I'm glad that I recognized it and didn't let him slip away.
We said those 3 magic words less than 2 weeks into our new relationship... we got engaged 9 months after we met. We were married 17 months after we met. Some said we were rushing it - some thought we were getting married because we were pregnant (stop laughing it could have been the case, but it wasn't!)... I prefer to think that we were making up for lost time - we'd met 9 years prior to all of this and had missed the opportunity then. Sometimes God has a wonderful way of making things work out... I never dreamed I'd marry a cop that worked in my hometown while living 3 hours away, but I did and I am so very glad that I did.
He's definitely been worth the risk especially for all that I've gained.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Parallels Part 2
After making everyone feel horribly depressed with my last couple posts... I have good news... but first I have a story for you...
Have I ever told you how D and I met? My last post focused on how my parents met... well D and I have a similar incident but no I was not drunk, did not steal a boyfriends car and did not end up in a ditch with D towing my butt out of it. So there are two ways to look at how D and I met... I choose the second... He always mentions the first.
I count our second meeting the one where we end up together as our first... D counts the original meetings when we were 16 or 17... he has a picture he can prove that we met. I on the other hand do not remember him.
I know that's horrible. I have no recollection of meeting him. At the time I assume I was so "in love" with a boy or so "busy" being a teenager that I was just too self centered to notice him. He says I was perfectly nice, but "andy's girl" or "clayton's friend." Both of these things are true. I'm in his senior year book... he sat at the table I did when I went to prom with Clayton... and I have no memory of him. Still feeling slightly guilty about this... I really felt awful when I was shown the picture that we're in together... I'm such a knob for not remembering him. But in my defense he looked WAY different back then than he does now... he was scrawny back then... and his hair was weird.
Anyways today marks a special occasion... 3 years ago today D showed up at my house... we'd been emailing back and forth talking about a mutual friend. We had plans to celebrate this mutual friend's birthday which was the 1st. I of course had to work that night, but we'd all go out on the 2nd.
So... 3 years ago today D knocked on my door... and fell into my life. I didn't know it at the time that we'd end up together. I thought hmm he's kind of cute. I like his eyes. I hope he takes good care of Chance while I'm gone.
We talked, I gave him a key to my house so he could go out and about and still be able to get back in and off I went to work. Leaving someone I had emailed and talked on the phone with alone in my house with my dog... Fortunately D came with good references or I wouldn't have allowed him to stay at my house.
I may have viewed D initially as a fling... Shhhhh don't tell him that - though since I usually suffer from diarrhea of the mouth I'm sure I've probably disclosed that to him as well (I think on the first date!)
Stay tuned for the details of our second day this is where things get interesting...
Have I ever told you how D and I met? My last post focused on how my parents met... well D and I have a similar incident but no I was not drunk, did not steal a boyfriends car and did not end up in a ditch with D towing my butt out of it. So there are two ways to look at how D and I met... I choose the second... He always mentions the first.
I count our second meeting the one where we end up together as our first... D counts the original meetings when we were 16 or 17... he has a picture he can prove that we met. I on the other hand do not remember him.
I know that's horrible. I have no recollection of meeting him. At the time I assume I was so "in love" with a boy or so "busy" being a teenager that I was just too self centered to notice him. He says I was perfectly nice, but "andy's girl" or "clayton's friend." Both of these things are true. I'm in his senior year book... he sat at the table I did when I went to prom with Clayton... and I have no memory of him. Still feeling slightly guilty about this... I really felt awful when I was shown the picture that we're in together... I'm such a knob for not remembering him. But in my defense he looked WAY different back then than he does now... he was scrawny back then... and his hair was weird.
Anyways today marks a special occasion... 3 years ago today D showed up at my house... we'd been emailing back and forth talking about a mutual friend. We had plans to celebrate this mutual friend's birthday which was the 1st. I of course had to work that night, but we'd all go out on the 2nd.
So... 3 years ago today D knocked on my door... and fell into my life. I didn't know it at the time that we'd end up together. I thought hmm he's kind of cute. I like his eyes. I hope he takes good care of Chance while I'm gone.
We talked, I gave him a key to my house so he could go out and about and still be able to get back in and off I went to work. Leaving someone I had emailed and talked on the phone with alone in my house with my dog... Fortunately D came with good references or I wouldn't have allowed him to stay at my house.
I may have viewed D initially as a fling... Shhhhh don't tell him that - though since I usually suffer from diarrhea of the mouth I'm sure I've probably disclosed that to him as well (I think on the first date!)
Stay tuned for the details of our second day this is where things get interesting...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Parallels
While I've talked about my dad on this blog, I haven't said much about my mom - and while this is post is about the two of them I will post about just my mom in the future. I'll give you a glimpse of her and then of the two of them.
When I say you'll never meet another person like her... I'm not kidding. Many friends have been surprised to meet her and find out that the stories I tell are all TRUE. She's truly a unique individual. I don't mean this in a bad way, just in a unique way.
Well my parents were married in 1976, but how did they really meet? If you asked them before I was born they would tell you that it was by attending a parents without partners meeting. My mom was in the process of getting divorced as was my dad... Both of their soon to be ex spouses were less than desirable spouses. My dad wooed my mom by being a good father figure to her children (my brother and sister). Apparently my dad had my mom's number right from the start. He'd ask my mom if he could take the kids to a carnival, fair, event, whatever - knowing full well that my mom can't ever stand to be left out of something so she'd invite herself along as well. After months of doing this they finally went out on a date alone without the kids... And well as the saying goes the rest is history.
However in reality my parents had met years earlier. My mom found this out when she was 6 months pregnant with me. A friend of hers from high school asked her who she had married and when my mom told her she started laughing hysterically...
My mom was a bit of wild child during her teenage years... I've heard stories of her waking up in a hearse. (I still can't quite picture that one) Apparently her and her friend decided to steal her boyfriend's car and ended up in a ditch... Yes alcohol may have been a contributing factor, snow may have been as well. My mom's friend called a family friend to ask if her son could come tow them out.
You might have guessed by now that my dad was the tow truck driver... If you've guessed that then you'd be right. What you might not have guessed is that my dad didn't charge them a dime, just made them promise that they were safe to drive home and that they would never be so foolish again.
My mom never in a million years imagined that the tow truck driver from years past was actually her husband. She ran home from work and asked my grandma - who confirmed that it had happened and then asked my dad.
He remembered towing two crazy girls out of a ditch, but hadn't put much thought into the friend of the girl - just had thought they needed to get their crazy butts home.
So my dad and mom apparently didn't make much of an impression on each other the first time they met... Thank goodness they made better impressions on one another at their next meeting or I may never have been born. This makes me feel better because I don't remember D and my first meeting...
When I say you'll never meet another person like her... I'm not kidding. Many friends have been surprised to meet her and find out that the stories I tell are all TRUE. She's truly a unique individual. I don't mean this in a bad way, just in a unique way.
Well my parents were married in 1976, but how did they really meet? If you asked them before I was born they would tell you that it was by attending a parents without partners meeting. My mom was in the process of getting divorced as was my dad... Both of their soon to be ex spouses were less than desirable spouses. My dad wooed my mom by being a good father figure to her children (my brother and sister). Apparently my dad had my mom's number right from the start. He'd ask my mom if he could take the kids to a carnival, fair, event, whatever - knowing full well that my mom can't ever stand to be left out of something so she'd invite herself along as well. After months of doing this they finally went out on a date alone without the kids... And well as the saying goes the rest is history.
However in reality my parents had met years earlier. My mom found this out when she was 6 months pregnant with me. A friend of hers from high school asked her who she had married and when my mom told her she started laughing hysterically...
My mom was a bit of wild child during her teenage years... I've heard stories of her waking up in a hearse. (I still can't quite picture that one) Apparently her and her friend decided to steal her boyfriend's car and ended up in a ditch... Yes alcohol may have been a contributing factor, snow may have been as well. My mom's friend called a family friend to ask if her son could come tow them out.
You might have guessed by now that my dad was the tow truck driver... If you've guessed that then you'd be right. What you might not have guessed is that my dad didn't charge them a dime, just made them promise that they were safe to drive home and that they would never be so foolish again.
My mom never in a million years imagined that the tow truck driver from years past was actually her husband. She ran home from work and asked my grandma - who confirmed that it had happened and then asked my dad.
He remembered towing two crazy girls out of a ditch, but hadn't put much thought into the friend of the girl - just had thought they needed to get their crazy butts home.
So my dad and mom apparently didn't make much of an impression on each other the first time they met... Thank goodness they made better impressions on one another at their next meeting or I may never have been born. This makes me feel better because I don't remember D and my first meeting...
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Privilege
When I work (I do generally 5 or 6 night stretches) a lot of the time I end up with the same patients during that stretch. I take ownership of those patients... Having a patient for 6 nights in a row can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because - the continuity of care is a good thing - you "KNOW" the patient, the family knows you, and there's a certain comfort level that comes with those things... a curse - because you can become attached, the patient may be a pita, the family may be pita, the patient may just be weird, or the doctors may just drive you bonkers. The other curse is that no matter what you do right not every patient will survive what has brought them to the hospital. This curse is tough... as a nurse we're here to help, to fix things so to speak. Switching from taking care of the patient and "fixing" things to comfort and taking care of the family is a complete 180 degree turn.
End of life things - are hard to describe. I think as a nurse it is an honor or a privilege that a family gives you to care for their loved one at the end of their life. I think my job as a nurse is to make sure that all of the patient's and family's needs are met. That the patient is allowed to die with dignity and pain free. Here's an example... I apologize in advance...
Probably a year or so ago I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was involved in a car accident. He was truly in an accident - he wasn't drinking, someone else hit him. He was a good person and his family was devestated by the initial news. The father who had raised him was devestated. When his parents had divorced his father was the one who had primary custody and raised him. This man truly loved his children. The injury report he was given was bad... very bad. I spent 6 nights talking and praying and educating and listening as this father wrestled with the decision of what to do. He knew what his son would want, but he was terrified if he made the choice to "withdraw support" that his other son would hate him. He was fearful that his injured son would end up in a nursing home alone - that the family as a whole would visit but that they would get on with their lives. It was a very realistic fear and he knew it. He didn't need me to tell him that but he needed me to validate what he was saying.
Every now and again you get lucky... you get lucky in that you can see/feel this palpable love... this was the case his dad would be there during the night and generally go get some sleep and show up again around 4-5 in the morning and we'd talk about his son, about what kind of person he was, and you could feel that love that he had for his son and the love he had for his other children. It was heartbreaking to watch - but also a privilege.
Eventually we found out why his brother was having such a hard time with this - they (meaning the pt and the brother) had had an argument - neither one ever got the chance to apologize. Guilt can be a tremendous thing to overcome... and fortunately the patient's brother was able to do that. The patient's mother had a tremendous amount of guilt because she'd been a pretty lousy mom... The patient's father was wrestling with the guilt of wanting to do what the patient would want - withdrawing support.
Ultimately everyone in the family came to the same conclusion based on numerous conversations, hours of prayer, and I believe God's hand was all over this - because we were able to arrange hospice and the patient managed to survive a 3 hour ride to his father's home, he died about an hour after getting there. After that stretch I was emotionally bankrupt. I had nothing left to give - but I did and I still do.
I don't love death, but I do think end of life care as a nurse is one of the hardest things to do as well as the most important things to do. In nursing school they discourage you from crying with families... in reality a lot of nurses cry with families - including me. I don't normally allow family members to hug me. Every now and again one gets through and it solidifies and reminds me that I was meant to be a nurse. It validates what I do. I may not get thank you notes, or even an update card telling me how that patient and their family are doing, but that moment, that day I know that I've done some great things and helped this family in whatever they are dealing with.
I love my job. I think it's a privilege to be able to help families and patients when they need it most. I'm not going to say it isn't easy, but it's something I hope I'm good at. I hope this post makes you think. Advanced directives or durable power of attorneys for health care are wonderful things... make sure your loved ones know what you do and don't want - it is truly important to do. The other thing I'd like you to think about is...
Everyone always tells people to live each day as if it was your last, but truly how many of us do? I don't always, but I try. I never let the sun go down without letting my husband know I love him. I always hang up the phone with loved ones letting them know I love them. So live today as if it was your last. It's kind of liberating isn't it?
End of life things - are hard to describe. I think as a nurse it is an honor or a privilege that a family gives you to care for their loved one at the end of their life. I think my job as a nurse is to make sure that all of the patient's and family's needs are met. That the patient is allowed to die with dignity and pain free. Here's an example... I apologize in advance...
Probably a year or so ago I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was involved in a car accident. He was truly in an accident - he wasn't drinking, someone else hit him. He was a good person and his family was devestated by the initial news. The father who had raised him was devestated. When his parents had divorced his father was the one who had primary custody and raised him. This man truly loved his children. The injury report he was given was bad... very bad. I spent 6 nights talking and praying and educating and listening as this father wrestled with the decision of what to do. He knew what his son would want, but he was terrified if he made the choice to "withdraw support" that his other son would hate him. He was fearful that his injured son would end up in a nursing home alone - that the family as a whole would visit but that they would get on with their lives. It was a very realistic fear and he knew it. He didn't need me to tell him that but he needed me to validate what he was saying.
Every now and again you get lucky... you get lucky in that you can see/feel this palpable love... this was the case his dad would be there during the night and generally go get some sleep and show up again around 4-5 in the morning and we'd talk about his son, about what kind of person he was, and you could feel that love that he had for his son and the love he had for his other children. It was heartbreaking to watch - but also a privilege.
Eventually we found out why his brother was having such a hard time with this - they (meaning the pt and the brother) had had an argument - neither one ever got the chance to apologize. Guilt can be a tremendous thing to overcome... and fortunately the patient's brother was able to do that. The patient's mother had a tremendous amount of guilt because she'd been a pretty lousy mom... The patient's father was wrestling with the guilt of wanting to do what the patient would want - withdrawing support.
Ultimately everyone in the family came to the same conclusion based on numerous conversations, hours of prayer, and I believe God's hand was all over this - because we were able to arrange hospice and the patient managed to survive a 3 hour ride to his father's home, he died about an hour after getting there. After that stretch I was emotionally bankrupt. I had nothing left to give - but I did and I still do.
I don't love death, but I do think end of life care as a nurse is one of the hardest things to do as well as the most important things to do. In nursing school they discourage you from crying with families... in reality a lot of nurses cry with families - including me. I don't normally allow family members to hug me. Every now and again one gets through and it solidifies and reminds me that I was meant to be a nurse. It validates what I do. I may not get thank you notes, or even an update card telling me how that patient and their family are doing, but that moment, that day I know that I've done some great things and helped this family in whatever they are dealing with.
I love my job. I think it's a privilege to be able to help families and patients when they need it most. I'm not going to say it isn't easy, but it's something I hope I'm good at. I hope this post makes you think. Advanced directives or durable power of attorneys for health care are wonderful things... make sure your loved ones know what you do and don't want - it is truly important to do. The other thing I'd like you to think about is...
Everyone always tells people to live each day as if it was your last, but truly how many of us do? I don't always, but I try. I never let the sun go down without letting my husband know I love him. I always hang up the phone with loved ones letting them know I love them. So live today as if it was your last. It's kind of liberating isn't it?
Sunday, March 26, 2006
1 year and... Happy?
Yep we've hit our milestone so to speak... we've been ttc for a year. Truthfully it feels no different than the first month. I read a book recently called - "The Fertility Surival Handbook" and in it it said to reset the clock whenever you get a new diagnosis... so if we're going with that philosophy we've only been ttc since November - so with that philosophy we've only been trying for 4 months. That sounds a heck of a lot depressing than a year right? We'll go with that I think.
We're fine - started shooting up and we'll see how things go in a few days with bloodwork and u/s. Hopefully I respond better than I did the last time - but we'll see. I know I know it's quality not quantity, but if you ask me I think I shot out some crappy eggs last time.
On an odd note - tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So since I've done some big long depressing posts about my dad - although with much love... it's time for a cheery land of the living post about my mom.
When I was 18 I went to visit my sister up North so to speak. While visiting I bought a dog. Granted - I did call and let my mom know I was buying a dog as well as talk to my dad about it. My mom hung up the phone. The apartment I was going to be living in once I went off to college did allow dogs so I figured I was golden.
So I bought this dog and loved him and still do. We came home (meaning Chance and I) and my mother was screaming - don't you dare bring that dog in here - I am no longer talking to you... You're disowned. She was quite upset.
Since I've never been the shy type and certainly have pushed the envelope a bit, I brought this 4 lb puppy into the house... and tried to get my mom to look at him. I knew if she got a look at him her heart would melt at this one brown eye one blue eye puppy... She kept her eyes firmly shut and her head turned away. She wasn't listening to a word I said. She had my sister on the phone and was yelling at her too.
Thank goodness for Chance or I might still be disowned. I put this little 4 lb weiner dog down and he started checking everything out in the house. He came across a newspaper and grabbed a hold of it and took off running - well since the newspaper was over his head - he really had no vision as to where he was going. He ran into a table... and yelped. My mom dropped the phone and ran and picked him up asking him if he was okay - etc. Chance wormed his way into her heart. Nothing else was ever said about my being disowned. In fact my parents kept Chance the first 12 weeks I had him in order to house train him.
Now - my mom routinely watches our 3 amigos. She loves them and cuddles with them and talks to them. This is a different woman than the one I grew up with. She's happier. She shows her emotions and love a lot more easily. For that I am thankful. When we do finally manage real live human children she'll be the one to take care of them. She'll be our "nanny" and both D and I are very greatful for that. Eventually she will live near us and most likely will also live with us. We're both okay with that.
D and my mom have a unique relationship - he calls her on her oddities and also calls her a hypochondriac. My mom absolutely adores him and D is very protective of her - he watches out for her and I am glad that my husband likes my mom. With prompting he bought her flowers and a card for her birthday - he even hid it until this morning. He also is going to watch "Walk the Line" with her tonight.
So - while we won't out her age online... we will say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM - and yes we know it's March 27th not the 26th but we're celebrating now because it's a weekend!
We're fine - started shooting up and we'll see how things go in a few days with bloodwork and u/s. Hopefully I respond better than I did the last time - but we'll see. I know I know it's quality not quantity, but if you ask me I think I shot out some crappy eggs last time.
On an odd note - tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So since I've done some big long depressing posts about my dad - although with much love... it's time for a cheery land of the living post about my mom.
When I was 18 I went to visit my sister up North so to speak. While visiting I bought a dog. Granted - I did call and let my mom know I was buying a dog as well as talk to my dad about it. My mom hung up the phone. The apartment I was going to be living in once I went off to college did allow dogs so I figured I was golden.
So I bought this dog and loved him and still do. We came home (meaning Chance and I) and my mother was screaming - don't you dare bring that dog in here - I am no longer talking to you... You're disowned. She was quite upset.
Since I've never been the shy type and certainly have pushed the envelope a bit, I brought this 4 lb puppy into the house... and tried to get my mom to look at him. I knew if she got a look at him her heart would melt at this one brown eye one blue eye puppy... She kept her eyes firmly shut and her head turned away. She wasn't listening to a word I said. She had my sister on the phone and was yelling at her too.
Thank goodness for Chance or I might still be disowned. I put this little 4 lb weiner dog down and he started checking everything out in the house. He came across a newspaper and grabbed a hold of it and took off running - well since the newspaper was over his head - he really had no vision as to where he was going. He ran into a table... and yelped. My mom dropped the phone and ran and picked him up asking him if he was okay - etc. Chance wormed his way into her heart. Nothing else was ever said about my being disowned. In fact my parents kept Chance the first 12 weeks I had him in order to house train him.
Now - my mom routinely watches our 3 amigos. She loves them and cuddles with them and talks to them. This is a different woman than the one I grew up with. She's happier. She shows her emotions and love a lot more easily. For that I am thankful. When we do finally manage real live human children she'll be the one to take care of them. She'll be our "nanny" and both D and I are very greatful for that. Eventually she will live near us and most likely will also live with us. We're both okay with that.
D and my mom have a unique relationship - he calls her on her oddities and also calls her a hypochondriac. My mom absolutely adores him and D is very protective of her - he watches out for her and I am glad that my husband likes my mom. With prompting he bought her flowers and a card for her birthday - he even hid it until this morning. He also is going to watch "Walk the Line" with her tonight.
So - while we won't out her age online... we will say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM - and yes we know it's March 27th not the 26th but we're celebrating now because it's a weekend!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Patience- I've heard this is a virtue?
Everyone knows the saying Patience is a virtue...
Well we're going to hopefully exhibit some of that virtue this cycle. After much discussion we've decided that this next cycle there will be no premature peeing on hpts. Meaning I won't christen anything with my urine unless asked by a medical professional - the medical professional cannot be me. We'll wait for a beta to tell us if we are or if we're not. The prometrium worked wonderfully - no breakthrough bleeding - with the last pregnancy in January I had started with pink cm the day I got the positive... it progressed to full onset in spite of progesterone supplements (very low dose ones in comparison with what I'm taking now) so hopefully this means my endometrium is responding appropriately to everything and actually functioning well.
We've decided to let those we're paying money to do the jobs we're paying them to do.
Does that make sense? It does to us... and hopefully we're going to enjoy this a bit more than we did last time. Now I know what to expect... and that helps me greatly because it wasn't that bad. I can get through just about anything, but this month I don't have an HSG to get done as well as all those u/s. I have all the u/s to do, but I don't have to worry about another hsg and that in and of itself is a great thing.
So charge on... lets keep trucking along. Also some prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome. Know I'm sending them out to the universe for all of you as well.
Well we're going to hopefully exhibit some of that virtue this cycle. After much discussion we've decided that this next cycle there will be no premature peeing on hpts. Meaning I won't christen anything with my urine unless asked by a medical professional - the medical professional cannot be me. We'll wait for a beta to tell us if we are or if we're not. The prometrium worked wonderfully - no breakthrough bleeding - with the last pregnancy in January I had started with pink cm the day I got the positive... it progressed to full onset in spite of progesterone supplements (very low dose ones in comparison with what I'm taking now) so hopefully this means my endometrium is responding appropriately to everything and actually functioning well.
We've decided to let those we're paying money to do the jobs we're paying them to do.
Does that make sense? It does to us... and hopefully we're going to enjoy this a bit more than we did last time. Now I know what to expect... and that helps me greatly because it wasn't that bad. I can get through just about anything, but this month I don't have an HSG to get done as well as all those u/s. I have all the u/s to do, but I don't have to worry about another hsg and that in and of itself is a great thing.
So charge on... lets keep trucking along. Also some prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome. Know I'm sending them out to the universe for all of you as well.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Onward and Upward
Finally... Finally my body has decided to save me from yet another blood draw. We were saved by the uhmm proverbial bell. I was supposed to get another beta done if the good old period had not yet arrived. She decided to show this morning. So we had our screening u/s done and we are foot loose and cyst free. Apparently all that limboing I've done the last few days have caused things to shape up in there.
Now since some of you may have thought I was hallucinating about that whole beta of 5 with a positive hpt... I've said it in the past and I'll say it again EPT has always been the MOST sensitive for me... So this is what a beta of 5 looks like on an EPT -
Personally I had the number in my mind as maybe 10-15 with that kind of line, but that just goes to show you that my interpretation of lines is to be called into question.
In all seriousness we've come up with a game plan (we meaning Dan and I) I am promising to not take another hpt until after we have a beta confirmation... this next time we're not getting a beta done until I'm 14 dpo. Yeah I know a tad overkill, but I'm over the puney numbers. If this is going to happen I don't want to see 5 as the result. We're looking for 50. I talked with the nurse about the hpts... I said "While I could maybe believe I was hallucinating, I know my husband does not have the same precision with those things as I have and he seen the + sign." I think all of you should be supremely impressed that I did not bring the pee sticks like my husband wanted me to, I almost asked for her email so i could email the image to her. Dan would also like me to send a note to EPT and another company and let them know they are definitely the MOST sensitive, but that to show someone that kind of positive at such a weak number just causes a lot of heartache and that we'd like our money back. I told him if he wanted to do that we could, but that it was unlikely anyone would give you money back when there was hcg in my system, just a crappy level. He became a bit disgruntled then moved on to playing with the dogs.
So the news update is maybe start shooting up on Friday... we're switching things up a bit this time -hoping for a better response on all levels... keep your fingers and toes crossed and inside the cabin at all times.
On a personal friend update... One of my dearest friends just found out that she is pregnant after 20 months of ttc. I am ecstatic for her. It's been a long journey so send up some prayers, positive thoughts, etc her way... she's on my list so go give her some good cheer and CONGRATS are in order!!!!
Now since some of you may have thought I was hallucinating about that whole beta of 5 with a positive hpt... I've said it in the past and I'll say it again EPT has always been the MOST sensitive for me... So this is what a beta of 5 looks like on an EPT -
Personally I had the number in my mind as maybe 10-15 with that kind of line, but that just goes to show you that my interpretation of lines is to be called into question.
In all seriousness we've come up with a game plan (we meaning Dan and I) I am promising to not take another hpt until after we have a beta confirmation... this next time we're not getting a beta done until I'm 14 dpo. Yeah I know a tad overkill, but I'm over the puney numbers. If this is going to happen I don't want to see 5 as the result. We're looking for 50. I talked with the nurse about the hpts... I said "While I could maybe believe I was hallucinating, I know my husband does not have the same precision with those things as I have and he seen the + sign." I think all of you should be supremely impressed that I did not bring the pee sticks like my husband wanted me to, I almost asked for her email so i could email the image to her. Dan would also like me to send a note to EPT and another company and let them know they are definitely the MOST sensitive, but that to show someone that kind of positive at such a weak number just causes a lot of heartache and that we'd like our money back. I told him if he wanted to do that we could, but that it was unlikely anyone would give you money back when there was hcg in my system, just a crappy level. He became a bit disgruntled then moved on to playing with the dogs.
So the news update is maybe start shooting up on Friday... we're switching things up a bit this time -hoping for a better response on all levels... keep your fingers and toes crossed and inside the cabin at all times.
On a personal friend update... One of my dearest friends just found out that she is pregnant after 20 months of ttc. I am ecstatic for her. It's been a long journey so send up some prayers, positive thoughts, etc her way... she's on my list so go give her some good cheer and CONGRATS are in order!!!!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Limbo
Remember that song when you were a kid...
Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!
First you spread your Limbo feet
Then you move to Limbo beat
Limbo ankle, Limbo knee
Spread out like a Limbo tree
Here we go!
Get yourself a Limbo girl
Give that chick a Limbo whirl
When the Limbo moon's above
You will fall in Limbo love
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the clock --
Yeah I have that song playing in my head... just received my results from Friday... I had a beta of 5...
It's okay we're laughing right now because if you would have told me it was 5 on Friday I would have said are you kidding I thought EPT was only accurate to like 20 or more... no apparently I'm a freak that can get just about anything to read positive.
So now we wait - for what I'm not sure, but we're still living in limbo land. I think I would have rather had a completely negative thing and apparently I need to not ever take a pregnancy test again because I'll see a line, hubby will see a line, and the blood test will still come up freakishly low.
So... go grab your limbo sticks and lets LIMBO!!!! If we're going to live in limbo land at least lets make it fun and interesting!
Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!
First you spread your Limbo feet
Then you move to Limbo beat
Limbo ankle, Limbo knee
Spread out like a Limbo tree
Here we go!
Get yourself a Limbo girl
Give that chick a Limbo whirl
When the Limbo moon's above
You will fall in Limbo love
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the clock --
Yeah I have that song playing in my head... just received my results from Friday... I had a beta of 5...
It's okay we're laughing right now because if you would have told me it was 5 on Friday I would have said are you kidding I thought EPT was only accurate to like 20 or more... no apparently I'm a freak that can get just about anything to read positive.
So now we wait - for what I'm not sure, but we're still living in limbo land. I think I would have rather had a completely negative thing and apparently I need to not ever take a pregnancy test again because I'll see a line, hubby will see a line, and the blood test will still come up freakishly low.
So... go grab your limbo sticks and lets LIMBO!!!! If we're going to live in limbo land at least lets make it fun and interesting!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Yeah uhmm no period... still?
So Friday found us getting more bloodwork done- yes the infamous beta hcg... I did it early enough so I should have gotten results in theory... however I didn't call for them and they didn't call me so no news. I did pee on a test and of course the freak that I am it was positive. Which if you know me means absolutely nothing. I am probably the girl most infertiles hate... the one that gets a positive too frequently. It's not something I can control - believe me I'd rather have a negative over the amount of positives I've had that have lead absolutely nowhere fast... However it's not within my control.
In a perfect world though - yes this is my fantasy so bear with me! I would have a positive test and it would lead to a positive baby at the end. There would be no need for repeat betas and my husband and I both would be ecstatic and would not use the clarifier of "Don't get your hopes up" or "Yeah that's positive, but what did the numbers really do." or "Show me the ultrasound that proves this one..." Yeah we've become a tad cynical.
I don't wish cynicism on anyone... and if anyone knows a good cure for it please send it my way.
In a perfect world though - yes this is my fantasy so bear with me! I would have a positive test and it would lead to a positive baby at the end. There would be no need for repeat betas and my husband and I both would be ecstatic and would not use the clarifier of "Don't get your hopes up" or "Yeah that's positive, but what did the numbers really do." or "Show me the ultrasound that proves this one..." Yeah we've become a tad cynical.
I don't wish cynicism on anyone... and if anyone knows a good cure for it please send it my way.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Crap...
Well the results are in... beta was 3... so uhmm yeah that's negative since they consider anything under 5 negative. So onward and upward right ladies and gents... (not sure if any guys read but you know what I mean).
We're okay - meaning we looked at one another and said when has the first month ever worked for us... it's generally an every other month kind of thing... which means next month. We truly are okay... disappointed but okay and that says something. We both want this more than anything else, but we're trying very hard not to lose sight of the important things. No we don't have a pregnancy or a baby, but we do have each other and 3 wonderful dogs (wonderful when they're not eating chocolate and wonderful when they're not peeing on the duvet cover). We have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of those things. I have a fabulous husband, great friends, and I'm okay with me... so onward and upward we'll get there... it may take us a while, but we'll be okay.
We're okay - meaning we looked at one another and said when has the first month ever worked for us... it's generally an every other month kind of thing... which means next month. We truly are okay... disappointed but okay and that says something. We both want this more than anything else, but we're trying very hard not to lose sight of the important things. No we don't have a pregnancy or a baby, but we do have each other and 3 wonderful dogs (wonderful when they're not eating chocolate and wonderful when they're not peeing on the duvet cover). We have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of those things. I have a fabulous husband, great friends, and I'm okay with me... so onward and upward we'll get there... it may take us a while, but we'll be okay.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sometimes bad things happen...
How do you move on when they do?
I know for me I tend to rely on my faith, on the love of my husband, on the love of my dogs... others use alcohol, or drugs. Other's use lawsuits... What's right? I have no idea.
With all the upheaval and stress in hubs and my lives he bought a book... actually 2 out of the 3 part series... It's about child abuse. Now as a couple that works in health care and also in law enforcment and has fertility issues... I'm not so sure this was a good idea, but he read it. Then he told me about it.
I read the first book last night. I wanted to just sit and bawl at the atrocities that a human being would do. The book is a true story. A story of survival. "A child called It" by David Pelzer. I feel that I have to make my in laws read this so that they understand why we're so upset and up in arms about any form of child abuse. Severity doesn't matter.
A wise nurse I work with once said... it's better to educate and inform than to bitch and complain. So... I'm using that philosophy in my personal life and we're going to attempt to educate and inform them not only on child abuse but maybe even about the fertility crap. I don't know if this is a futile thing or if it's even stupid to do. However I've spent enough time bitching about it... it's time for action.
I've also decided that I want to switch up our donations we do to charitable organizations... I'm still in the beginning stages, but I know there's going to be some child advocacy organizations as well as child abuse prevention organizations... Education can be the key for a lot of things and getting the word out is the hardest thing to do... maybe I'm only 1 person, but I've certainly got a big mouth.
On the cycle front... will know more maybe tomorrow... maybe the next day depends on if I get my fear under control.
I know for me I tend to rely on my faith, on the love of my husband, on the love of my dogs... others use alcohol, or drugs. Other's use lawsuits... What's right? I have no idea.
With all the upheaval and stress in hubs and my lives he bought a book... actually 2 out of the 3 part series... It's about child abuse. Now as a couple that works in health care and also in law enforcment and has fertility issues... I'm not so sure this was a good idea, but he read it. Then he told me about it.
I read the first book last night. I wanted to just sit and bawl at the atrocities that a human being would do. The book is a true story. A story of survival. "A child called It" by David Pelzer. I feel that I have to make my in laws read this so that they understand why we're so upset and up in arms about any form of child abuse. Severity doesn't matter.
A wise nurse I work with once said... it's better to educate and inform than to bitch and complain. So... I'm using that philosophy in my personal life and we're going to attempt to educate and inform them not only on child abuse but maybe even about the fertility crap. I don't know if this is a futile thing or if it's even stupid to do. However I've spent enough time bitching about it... it's time for action.
I've also decided that I want to switch up our donations we do to charitable organizations... I'm still in the beginning stages, but I know there's going to be some child advocacy organizations as well as child abuse prevention organizations... Education can be the key for a lot of things and getting the word out is the hardest thing to do... maybe I'm only 1 person, but I've certainly got a big mouth.
On the cycle front... will know more maybe tomorrow... maybe the next day depends on if I get my fear under control.
Dogs - what ya gonna do?
Ernie escaped...
He had the audacity to escape from his kennel while we were at the dentist's office. Since his kennel is in the basement... which has not yet been organized. I know I know I've lived here for a year, but come on with all the driving I do back and forth there just hasn't been any time, motivation, ambition, etc to do it. He proceeded to devour a box of weight watcher lemon creme 1 pt cakes (the cakes, the wrappers, the box), a box, some plastic, etc etc...
We found out exactly how much crap he ate approx 5 hours later... it wasn't pretty. However he also didn't tell us that he ate chocolate. Dove milk chocolate hearts with pretty pink and hot pink wrappers. I can't eat dove chocolate now... THANKS ERNIE... my diet thanks you... I however am not so thrilled.
After the initial panic we thought we'd have to take him to the vet to have his stomach pumped etc. However for the milk chocolate to be toxic to a dog Ernie's size he'd need to eat about 80 lbs of it... I may like chocolate but he only ate half a bag... so we were good. Poor dog felt miserable for a day or two... I thought it was justice for the fact I had to clean the carpets. Okay so hubby did it, but still I bought the carpet cleaner right?
He had the audacity to escape from his kennel while we were at the dentist's office. Since his kennel is in the basement... which has not yet been organized. I know I know I've lived here for a year, but come on with all the driving I do back and forth there just hasn't been any time, motivation, ambition, etc to do it. He proceeded to devour a box of weight watcher lemon creme 1 pt cakes (the cakes, the wrappers, the box), a box, some plastic, etc etc...
We found out exactly how much crap he ate approx 5 hours later... it wasn't pretty. However he also didn't tell us that he ate chocolate. Dove milk chocolate hearts with pretty pink and hot pink wrappers. I can't eat dove chocolate now... THANKS ERNIE... my diet thanks you... I however am not so thrilled.
After the initial panic we thought we'd have to take him to the vet to have his stomach pumped etc. However for the milk chocolate to be toxic to a dog Ernie's size he'd need to eat about 80 lbs of it... I may like chocolate but he only ate half a bag... so we were good. Poor dog felt miserable for a day or two... I thought it was justice for the fact I had to clean the carpets. Okay so hubby did it, but still I bought the carpet cleaner right?
Sunday, March 12, 2006
One and One is Two
In a few short weeks we'll be at a milestone... today however we're at another milestone as well.
Both of these anniversaries are bittersweet. One means that we've been on a journey for a year... two means someone has been gone from our lives for two years.
I can deal with the first one... but I haven't quite wrapped my fingers around the second one... the first is in 2 weeks and we'll have been ttc for a year. I will know before then if this cycle was successful or a bust. The second more painful one... is the anniversary of my father's death...
My dad was 65 years old - just 38 days shy of his 66th birthday. My dad had survived cancer and a stroke only to be felled by a combination of things... the flu and diabetes.
I need to tell you guys about my dad... My Dad truly helped to shape the person that I am. He even helped to shape D a bit... So here's some info on my Dad that you may not know.
My dad was 40 when I was born... on his second marriage... and all he wanted if you asked him was "a healthy baby" and anytime you asked him (which I did at least a few times) he would get this big grin on his face when he said it... he wasn't faking that happiness. He was so happy to have a baby that as long as it was healthy nothing else mattered. Let me also give a clarification... my Dad's first marriage resulted in a child... however my Dad was not the father... he married his first wife when she was 7 months pregnant... and his name is on the birth certificate... he NEVER treated my sibling as anything but HIS. I didn't find this out until I was probably 17... (I was a little slow on the uptake... my dad had brown hair, brown eyes, - my sibling blond hair, blue eyes... a height difference as well...) Anyways... biology didn't matter to my dad... and he did not treat me any differently than he did the other kids... we just were closer than the other kids... primarily because while I was growing up my Dad worked closer to home... more time to spend with me etc...
My Dad never allowed my sex to be an issue... a girl can do anything, be anything and do not let anyone tell you differently. He truly believed that nothing in this world but myself would stop me from achieving whatever goal I had my mind set on...
My dad was also the one who took me to the ER when I had to have stitches on the day of his mom's funeral because I was showing everyone how "grandma died" (She fell out of a chair... (I ended up with stitches in my forehead due to that one.) Over the years he'd take me for blood draws, doctor's appts, ER visits, etc. And always his calm presence helped. He never let on that he was scared or worried... just that things were going to be alright. He did this with himself... when he was diagnosed with cancer I was 11 years old... and I remember going to the hospital and him telling me to get my homework done and that all would be okay. I believed him and it was.
My dad held me to a higher standard than my brothers and sister. I was the one who brought home A's... not C's... and if it was a B+ or A- why wasn't it an A... he expected that of me. It wasn't always easy, and I didn't always thank him for that but ultimately I think it made me a better person for it.
He loved watching me play softball... and he'd stand behind home plate while I was catching yelling out "you need your glove higher", "your crouched too low", or when I was hitting "Why are you swinging at those that was a high ball!" The umpires would make comments to me when they realized that was my dad back there yelling at me... My dad was able to umpire one of my games... and he called me out at home... Can you believe it... I was safe too... and he called me out! He did not want to be thought of as playing favorites.
When I was 16 I was involved in a pretty awful car accident... it left me in intensive care for about 2 weeks and the hospital for a total of 3 weeks... My dad when he got to the hospital kept it together... he never let on that they had been told that the next 24 hours were critical... that depending on what my liver and kidney's did things could get dicey. He just came in and said "we'll get through this and I'll be here every step of the way." He was... he came after work once I got out of ICU and when I was in ICU he didn't go home until I became less critical... because home was an hour away and that was just too far for him.
When I started driving Dad had such faith in me that he'd ride in the back while a friend rode in front... and every so often he would say "SLOW DOWN" (not yelling it just a quiet deep voice) This same friend and I were called "floozies" on more than one occasion due to our attire and makeup.
My dad also had faith... and he shared that faith with D... D wasn't raised with Christianity being a large presence in his life... I on the other hand was... and my faith while I'm not open about is something that is always present and something I feel is important in our marriage... D was willing to "go through the motions" and "take the classes" but my dad made a point of talking about faith and what it meant to him... and slowly D started to go to church on Wednesday nights... The week prior to my dad's death we had all gone to church and for some odd reason the minister wanted each family to introduce themselves... My dad stood up proud as a peacock (he was only 5'5") and introduced my mom, myself, and then introduced D as his son. D was honored... and when I say honored... he truly knew that my dad approved.
My Dad knew before anyone else about D... he knew I thought that D was the ONE... and the first meeting D had I had invited him to spend the night at my parents house... my parents were fine with that... (I'm an adult) D was terrified that he would wake up with a shotgun in his face... well that wasn't my Dad's style... and the gun cabinet was in the room we were sleeping in... However when my Dad died... D found out the truth... my Dad had a whole collection of guns and ammunition under his bed... and if he had wanted to shoot him he could have... D was thankful he liked him from the beginning.
My dad was my closest confidant... we didn't keep secrets... he was my staunchest supporter, my biggest advocate... he was beside me every step of the way... and the day he died... a large hole was left where he used to be. I don't cry for the things that I regret... I cry for the things I wish we had had the chance to do which fortunately are few... such as being walked down the aisle... and him being there when I have my first child... I cry now because it's not the way I wanted it to be... but even in death my dad gave me a sign.
Remember how I mentioned that whole speeding issue I have... well on my way to the hospital on the day my dad died... I got pulled over... and I got a ticket (yes I deserved it) Well the freak that I am when I got to the hospital I asked what the time of death was... (it's a nurse thing okay?) I can't help it curiousity was there... It took me hearing the number and actually seeing the number and pulling out the ticket and showing it to the nurses... The time of death and the time of the ticket were the same. I think I freaked the nurse's out a bit... I know it freaked D out a bit... to me it brought comfort... and while it could be a coincidence... I choose to look at it as a sign from above... my dad reminding me he's watching... and so is God... and to SLOW DOWN! So... that's my dad... in a nutshell... he was a dirty ditch digger, a jack of all trades, a handyman, an engineer, a truck driver, a hard working never not had a job kind of guy who could play barbies with the best of them and color like a mad man... he was simply put my dad and no matter how many years have passed... I still miss him and cherish the memories.
In closing... a line from Father and Daughter by Paul Simon... I wanted to dance with my dad to this song... because I truly felt it showed how we felt about one another... even singing the song in my head I feel closer to him... so...
As long as one and one is two... there could never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you...
Both of these anniversaries are bittersweet. One means that we've been on a journey for a year... two means someone has been gone from our lives for two years.
I can deal with the first one... but I haven't quite wrapped my fingers around the second one... the first is in 2 weeks and we'll have been ttc for a year. I will know before then if this cycle was successful or a bust. The second more painful one... is the anniversary of my father's death...
My dad was 65 years old - just 38 days shy of his 66th birthday. My dad had survived cancer and a stroke only to be felled by a combination of things... the flu and diabetes.
I need to tell you guys about my dad... My Dad truly helped to shape the person that I am. He even helped to shape D a bit... So here's some info on my Dad that you may not know.
My dad was 40 when I was born... on his second marriage... and all he wanted if you asked him was "a healthy baby" and anytime you asked him (which I did at least a few times) he would get this big grin on his face when he said it... he wasn't faking that happiness. He was so happy to have a baby that as long as it was healthy nothing else mattered. Let me also give a clarification... my Dad's first marriage resulted in a child... however my Dad was not the father... he married his first wife when she was 7 months pregnant... and his name is on the birth certificate... he NEVER treated my sibling as anything but HIS. I didn't find this out until I was probably 17... (I was a little slow on the uptake... my dad had brown hair, brown eyes, - my sibling blond hair, blue eyes... a height difference as well...) Anyways... biology didn't matter to my dad... and he did not treat me any differently than he did the other kids... we just were closer than the other kids... primarily because while I was growing up my Dad worked closer to home... more time to spend with me etc...
My Dad never allowed my sex to be an issue... a girl can do anything, be anything and do not let anyone tell you differently. He truly believed that nothing in this world but myself would stop me from achieving whatever goal I had my mind set on...
My dad was also the one who took me to the ER when I had to have stitches on the day of his mom's funeral because I was showing everyone how "grandma died" (She fell out of a chair... (I ended up with stitches in my forehead due to that one.) Over the years he'd take me for blood draws, doctor's appts, ER visits, etc. And always his calm presence helped. He never let on that he was scared or worried... just that things were going to be alright. He did this with himself... when he was diagnosed with cancer I was 11 years old... and I remember going to the hospital and him telling me to get my homework done and that all would be okay. I believed him and it was.
My dad held me to a higher standard than my brothers and sister. I was the one who brought home A's... not C's... and if it was a B+ or A- why wasn't it an A... he expected that of me. It wasn't always easy, and I didn't always thank him for that but ultimately I think it made me a better person for it.
He loved watching me play softball... and he'd stand behind home plate while I was catching yelling out "you need your glove higher", "your crouched too low", or when I was hitting "Why are you swinging at those that was a high ball!" The umpires would make comments to me when they realized that was my dad back there yelling at me... My dad was able to umpire one of my games... and he called me out at home... Can you believe it... I was safe too... and he called me out! He did not want to be thought of as playing favorites.
When I was 16 I was involved in a pretty awful car accident... it left me in intensive care for about 2 weeks and the hospital for a total of 3 weeks... My dad when he got to the hospital kept it together... he never let on that they had been told that the next 24 hours were critical... that depending on what my liver and kidney's did things could get dicey. He just came in and said "we'll get through this and I'll be here every step of the way." He was... he came after work once I got out of ICU and when I was in ICU he didn't go home until I became less critical... because home was an hour away and that was just too far for him.
When I started driving Dad had such faith in me that he'd ride in the back while a friend rode in front... and every so often he would say "SLOW DOWN" (not yelling it just a quiet deep voice) This same friend and I were called "floozies" on more than one occasion due to our attire and makeup.
My dad also had faith... and he shared that faith with D... D wasn't raised with Christianity being a large presence in his life... I on the other hand was... and my faith while I'm not open about is something that is always present and something I feel is important in our marriage... D was willing to "go through the motions" and "take the classes" but my dad made a point of talking about faith and what it meant to him... and slowly D started to go to church on Wednesday nights... The week prior to my dad's death we had all gone to church and for some odd reason the minister wanted each family to introduce themselves... My dad stood up proud as a peacock (he was only 5'5") and introduced my mom, myself, and then introduced D as his son. D was honored... and when I say honored... he truly knew that my dad approved.
My Dad knew before anyone else about D... he knew I thought that D was the ONE... and the first meeting D had I had invited him to spend the night at my parents house... my parents were fine with that... (I'm an adult) D was terrified that he would wake up with a shotgun in his face... well that wasn't my Dad's style... and the gun cabinet was in the room we were sleeping in... However when my Dad died... D found out the truth... my Dad had a whole collection of guns and ammunition under his bed... and if he had wanted to shoot him he could have... D was thankful he liked him from the beginning.
My dad was my closest confidant... we didn't keep secrets... he was my staunchest supporter, my biggest advocate... he was beside me every step of the way... and the day he died... a large hole was left where he used to be. I don't cry for the things that I regret... I cry for the things I wish we had had the chance to do which fortunately are few... such as being walked down the aisle... and him being there when I have my first child... I cry now because it's not the way I wanted it to be... but even in death my dad gave me a sign.
Remember how I mentioned that whole speeding issue I have... well on my way to the hospital on the day my dad died... I got pulled over... and I got a ticket (yes I deserved it) Well the freak that I am when I got to the hospital I asked what the time of death was... (it's a nurse thing okay?) I can't help it curiousity was there... It took me hearing the number and actually seeing the number and pulling out the ticket and showing it to the nurses... The time of death and the time of the ticket were the same. I think I freaked the nurse's out a bit... I know it freaked D out a bit... to me it brought comfort... and while it could be a coincidence... I choose to look at it as a sign from above... my dad reminding me he's watching... and so is God... and to SLOW DOWN! So... that's my dad... in a nutshell... he was a dirty ditch digger, a jack of all trades, a handyman, an engineer, a truck driver, a hard working never not had a job kind of guy who could play barbies with the best of them and color like a mad man... he was simply put my dad and no matter how many years have passed... I still miss him and cherish the memories.
In closing... a line from Father and Daughter by Paul Simon... I wanted to dance with my dad to this song... because I truly felt it showed how we felt about one another... even singing the song in my head I feel closer to him... so...
As long as one and one is two... there could never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Favorite Daughter or Daughter In Law of the Year Award... and other Random Thoughts
Have I mentioned the scrapbooks from hell? The scrapbooks from hell are two 7 x 7 scrapbooks I decided to attempt of our wedding (which was in 2004) for my mom and mil. Yes... she who has never scrapped before decided this was a good idea.
Did I mention I procrastinate. Which is why I only purchased the pictures a few months ago. So... a few weeks ago I went for a weekday scrap get away. It was WONDERFUL... granted these women are way way way out of my league, but they were helpful and they gave me ideas and it's something I enjoyed. It fueled my energy to learn and create and to just get this project done.
So... I almost have both scrapbooks done... which is why I'm hoping when the votes come in I'll win the daughter or daughter in law of the year award.
The only pages that are missing are of the three mongrels... and a family picture of us with the dogs. I think that's pretty good. In my mil's book there is a page that has my in laws kissing - mind you my fil/mil are not very affectionate so it's kind of a once in a lifetime picture... on the opposite page is a pic of D and I kissing... and both pages say kissable! My mom's album has a picture of her and my dad in the book. The two of them were dancing at my sister's wedding and they looked so happy and so in love and on the opposite page is a picture of hubs and I dancing looking very much in love. I think it will make her happy and probably cry... in a good way.
Actually I know it will. My husband saw the page and the words I had put on it and he hugged me and said "That's beautiful."
We talked on our way to his parents house as well as on our way home. We talked about his parents... about my parents... about my mom... about us... about when to do a beta... etc etc... It was good. It was productive but not that productive. We didn't make any decisions in regards to what day to do a beta etc...
On an odd note... Anyone watch the TLC program Little People, Big Dreams? I'm hooked... I like Matt and Amy and Zach and all the kids... it definitely gives me something other than soap network to watch in the middle of the night when I'm not working.
Did I mention I procrastinate. Which is why I only purchased the pictures a few months ago. So... a few weeks ago I went for a weekday scrap get away. It was WONDERFUL... granted these women are way way way out of my league, but they were helpful and they gave me ideas and it's something I enjoyed. It fueled my energy to learn and create and to just get this project done.
So... I almost have both scrapbooks done... which is why I'm hoping when the votes come in I'll win the daughter or daughter in law of the year award.
The only pages that are missing are of the three mongrels... and a family picture of us with the dogs. I think that's pretty good. In my mil's book there is a page that has my in laws kissing - mind you my fil/mil are not very affectionate so it's kind of a once in a lifetime picture... on the opposite page is a pic of D and I kissing... and both pages say kissable! My mom's album has a picture of her and my dad in the book. The two of them were dancing at my sister's wedding and they looked so happy and so in love and on the opposite page is a picture of hubs and I dancing looking very much in love. I think it will make her happy and probably cry... in a good way.
Actually I know it will. My husband saw the page and the words I had put on it and he hugged me and said "That's beautiful."
We talked on our way to his parents house as well as on our way home. We talked about his parents... about my parents... about my mom... about us... about when to do a beta... etc etc... It was good. It was productive but not that productive. We didn't make any decisions in regards to what day to do a beta etc...
On an odd note... Anyone watch the TLC program Little People, Big Dreams? I'm hooked... I like Matt and Amy and Zach and all the kids... it definitely gives me something other than soap network to watch in the middle of the night when I'm not working.
So... Now we wait...
Trigger was done on Tuesday... looks like we O'd either Wednesday or Thursday.
Now... we wait.
Wait for what? I don't know...
What does a girl with hcg circulating in her system do for 2 weeks- certainly not pee on hpt's right? WRONG - I've got 50 of those buggers why not. Granted seeing them get fainter is slightly depressing... but hopefully I'll see them get darker as well. The doctor's office nicely told me that I could get a blood draw on Friday. I think that's great THEY want to know on Friday... I'm not so sure I want to know on Friday... doesn't that sound crappy. A part of me wants to know immediately... the other part of me wants to hibernate and not learn while I'm working. Namely this falls during a time period when I'm going to be at work... talk about sucking eggs... I think I'd rather find out on Wednesday when I've just finished my stretch and my husband is going to be there to deal with the fallout...
One of my close friends has thought of me as Suzy Sunshine... Ms Optimism... Pollyanna... etc etc... I don't feel like that girl right now. I don't feel like this worked... I know we'll do another cycle of injectables if this doesn't... and I can at the very least cling to that knowledge... but I wish I had that strong feeling that things would all work out... and I can't quite get that thought to take hold. So... I'll pray... and I'll pray... and I'll hope... and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this two week wait will end positively. And if not... that I'll have the courage and the faith to keep going on.
Now... we wait.
Wait for what? I don't know...
What does a girl with hcg circulating in her system do for 2 weeks- certainly not pee on hpt's right? WRONG - I've got 50 of those buggers why not. Granted seeing them get fainter is slightly depressing... but hopefully I'll see them get darker as well. The doctor's office nicely told me that I could get a blood draw on Friday. I think that's great THEY want to know on Friday... I'm not so sure I want to know on Friday... doesn't that sound crappy. A part of me wants to know immediately... the other part of me wants to hibernate and not learn while I'm working. Namely this falls during a time period when I'm going to be at work... talk about sucking eggs... I think I'd rather find out on Wednesday when I've just finished my stretch and my husband is going to be there to deal with the fallout...
One of my close friends has thought of me as Suzy Sunshine... Ms Optimism... Pollyanna... etc etc... I don't feel like that girl right now. I don't feel like this worked... I know we'll do another cycle of injectables if this doesn't... and I can at the very least cling to that knowledge... but I wish I had that strong feeling that things would all work out... and I can't quite get that thought to take hold. So... I'll pray... and I'll pray... and I'll hope... and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this two week wait will end positively. And if not... that I'll have the courage and the faith to keep going on.
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