Two Years...

Two years ago today at around 11 a.m. I had my first d/c and awoke to find out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The next day was my birthday and I started a blog.

One year ago today I learned that a pregnancy that had "looked promising" was actually another miscarriage. Eight days later I had my second d/c.

Understandably - the mere mention of June 15th sends some anxiety my way. Primarily because - supposedly lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place - yet that day has not been kind to me. I used to love my birthday the 16th, but now I just look at it as the day after bad things have happened. The day I have to pick up the pieces...

This year things are different and God willing they will stay that way - I have no doctor's appts scheduled. I deliberately did that because - see above. If I could drink heavily today I would... instead I'm going to have to settle for taking care of two minor errands and then coming home and curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head and sitting there with the doppler listening and poking the NN to make it move - because at least that's reassuring for a little while.

Tomorrow we will leave on a road trip to the other side of the state - with the 6 canines and D. D will probably be bitchy as he has to work tomorrow night. I plan on attempting to not be bitchy with my in laws... though that may take some effort.

Yesterday June 14th, found me at a conference on "The power of compassion - dealing with infant and child loss" the speaker was from the MISS organization. It covered miscarriage, stillborn, NICU deaths and deaths of older children. I know - what the hell was I thinking of going to that right now. However = I realized as I watched a documentary of a woman who had had 3 stillbirths and she said - "I just feel as if I keep failing and what have I accomplished in these 3 years. I have nothing to show for it. And people think I'm nuts to try again." I related to her. Because I remember feeling that way... This is my 12th pregnancy... and when you say that to someone they look at you as if you've lost your bloody mind. How could you be so stupid to keep trying and trying over and over again. I don't know how - other than to go with the thought that maybe - in some way, shape or form things will finally work out. Ultimately- I don't want to fail again.