In real life I have a limited amount of friends. By friends I mean people I whole heartedly trust with the truth and who I do not sugar coat a thing. It's not that I'm not friendly - okay maybe I'm not. I tend to look at people as if they've grown 2 heads when I see them act in a manner that well I just can't do. So there are few friends that are coworkers and truthfully my true friends are always there for me so branching out and becoming "more popular" really isn't something I think of doing. I'm a take me as I am kind of woman and it's pretty much take it or leave it. I will admit to being way too open about some things and way too closed off about others - it's my own personal quirk.
However - when I started blogging and started branching out I found a community of mostly women who I felt if I had met them in real life I would have been able to be friends with them. The first is DD who is recently back from vacation. I've missed her wit and sarcasm and just her. The second is Dino D who just welcomed her daughter into the world - shh she doesn't like attention and likes to stay low on the radar, however her bite really isn't that bad :) Both of these women are amazing. I am fairly certain that I would be able to enjoy myself with them if we were to meet in real life and I am fairly certain I would NOT look at them as if they've grown 2 heads.
Ultimately I'm glad they're both back and blogging. I've missed them. Boy do I sound like a sap.
Now on with the real thoughts- regarding battle axe - aka grandma. D has not called her. D does not plan to. D almost bought her a totally inappropriate card to send to her as a way to say "f off". I reigned him in. Primarily because I know as well as you that I would be the one to take the blame for that one - you know me and my liberal ways. I've tried to get D to call his mom and was met with resistance. Normally D and his mom are close. However his mom has a very bad tendency to stick her head in the sand and right now D is over the whole blindness that apparently afflicts his family. However at times he's also afflicted with it. He's kind of going with the whole - lets ignore it and maybe it'll go away thought process that and talking to my mother and trying to pin her feelings down is like trying to wrestle with an alligator, but a lot less bloody. I am of the lets throw the bomb in and see what casualties we can have repaired before too long - this could of course just be me being cranky. In other news - the transcript will be here before the shower. I am awaiting a price which I then have to send in and then they will type it up and send it to me. I will then hand it to D and he will then handle the matter with his family. My mom is well aware of this situatioin and asked what D hopes to accomplish from this. D wants his dad in particular to understand why he feels the way he does. I don't know if the transcript will help or not, but I know I'm going to give it my best shot so my husband will quit feeling as if he has to justify his feelings in the matter. Family stuff sucks.
Thank goodness my family is currently behaving themselves, though truthfully this whole b*by shower stuff is hard for me to deal with. Apparently I am supposed to have an opinion. I don't, but what the heck. My mom is here for at least a few more days - so Ernie is acting like an idiot. The puppies adore her and Lola and Chance are battling it out to see who gets to sleep with her. Meg just comes and lays on her lap. My mom is universally adored. D and mom had fun shopping yesterday - though D kept losing her. Only to come find me and ask - have you seen your mom?
D keeps talking about when my mom will live with us. He's looking forward to it. Trying to talk her out of making a rash decision in regards to a house and just enjoying having her here visiting. It is so different from when his parents are here. We've actually accomplished some things like - emptied out the closet in the NN room and actually having a clean floor and semi clean kitchen. It's amazing what my mom's motivation will do to D. It's like having a cleaning husband which is great. He vacuumed, he dusted. He DUSTED... again nice.
Not much else going on here... work has called twice this weekend - Friday and Saturday in the hopes I would come in. Nope... didn't. I have a stupid class I must take before the NN arrives that work has scheduled for 9 days before the NN arrival is estimated to arrive. If I don't take the class and I expire then I'll have to pay for it. So I'm looking into other ways of taking it - namely my paying for it. Such a pain. We shall see.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Zero tolerance and... It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
This week has been interesting - I've had to argue with our flexible spending account and am in the process of trying to make that all work out. I've got to still get the piece of paper to prove that our "prescription toothpaste prevedent" is actually what we purchased.
I've been playing phone tag with the county clerk as we're trying to get a transcript of "pe*ophile cousins" plea hearing. I've spoken to an assistant district attorney and know the full details of the crime he committed. The reason why we're going to this length is that D's family still does not understand why we are staying away. We both do not want my in laws to feel as if we're staying away from them, but we can not and will not go to family functions until we are assured he will not be there. We will NOT expose our child to this individual and we hope that when they learn the extent of his crime they will feel the same way. Taking this stance in a family that tends to put their head in the sand is difficult. We're the bad guys right now. The story that was told to my in laws is much different than what actually happened. We've been fighting this battle for about 2 years now and while I'm tired of it, I also know I am not giving up the fight. If it is one of the last things I do for D - this is important that his father understands. I don't think he really cares if his mom does as he feels she has been brainwashed for too many years to be able to take the hard line that we have. D's dad is hopefully able to read the transcript and understand that what he was told was a lie... a cover... a white wash of what actually happened. Everyone seems to forget that D is a cop and I am a nurse and that both of us deal with children that are abused on a way too frequent basis. Even if we didn't we would feel the same way. Zero tolerance... that is what we have.
In other news we've manage to piss off grandma again. Grandma being D's grandma. I prefer the term battle axe and old b*tch. Spiteful vindictive woman... No I don't have any anger at this woman at all? Her sil - D's great aunt was admitted to the hospital - we had no idea of this until she was transferred to a larger hospital and into their ICU. We were getting sketchy reports as to why she was in ICU and after a phone call to the hospital I learned she was in "guarded" condition. That's better than critical, but not as good as stable. She's old. She's frail. She sends us Christmas cards every year and she also inquires about us. She has always been nice to me when at family gatherings and actually interacted with both D and myself. She genuinely cared. We didn't feel it was fake. We still do not. I did not talk to great aunt, but I did send an "e-greeting" to the hospital as they offered this as an option. It was maybe 2 sentences. D's great aunt and grandma truthfully don't get along all that well - grandma is b*tchy to everyone so this is not a surprise. Well great aunt was tickled by our "e-greeting" and said something to grandma about it. Grandma apparently was "hurt" that we had not sent her a card. A) she's not in the hospital, b) she never sends us cards and c) she's awful to me. Why would I send a card? My fil said "well she didn't say it, but I can read her mind and it really bothers her that D doesn't come to family functions and doesn't call." First - D didn't call before all of the above occurred and second - she's not in the hospital. If she was she'd get an "e-greeting" as well. I've since sent out a get well card to great aunt... I'm sure that will send grandma about over the edge. Piss me off and I'll send a get well card or sympathy card to her as well.
D's dad asked me to talk to D and see if he would call grandma. I laughed at this because seriously does he think I am the puppet master? I handed the phone to D and D responded to his dad with - I'll put it on my list - it's right beneath fixing that pipe in the basement that leaks that I still haven't fixed in the 2 years we've lived here. (No D isn't angry at all.) He's so happy we live over here rather than over there.
Who would have thought I'd say "thank goodness my family is "normal" Because normal is not the word to use to describe my family. So - who wants to take bets as to whether grandma will be at the baby shower? At this point I'm hoping for not.
On to the second half - It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
*Pregnancy crap and paranoia ahead - be prepared*
After that conference in June I decided I needed to check out the M.I.S.S Foundation forums to see if I would find a home. A place that people would understand what I was feeling. While I know my losses were all early, my family losses tend to leave you with that inability to catch your breath just at the thought. It took me a bit, but after lurking for a while I posted my thoughts. The response I got was what I needed... it's normal. Because voicing the thoughts I've had seriously to "normal" people tends to leave them looking at you as if you've lost your freaking mind. While I know I haven't, it means I watch my words very carefully - even in this forum. I don't want smoke blown up my tookus - I want honesty. Sunday or Monday I didn't notice movement and of course a coworker had had the unlucky timing of mentioning that her daughter's gymnastic teacher had had a stillborn at 24 weeks this week and how awful that was. I came home that morning because of course NN was being a pita and not moving around like normal and grabbed the doppler out and found the heartbeat. I haven't pulled that out in a while so this was a new development. I posted this story in the forum and I finally heard "this is so normal". I needed that. I needed that because truthfully if I would have told this story to my OB he probably would have looked at me sideways and I would have had to kick him. I also know I didn't mention it to my coworkers because - again - they then look at me as if I have suddenly sprouted 2 heads.
No - I'm not comfortable with talking as if everything will be great. Primarily for the jinx factor. We're going through the motions that we are on the path of all being fine, but we are not in a comfortable state and I doubt we will be until the arrival of the NN. Making plans for the NN arrival means we talk quietly and D nags me to get on the ball about listening to the hypnobirthing cd's I should be listening to. Ultimately it means we do what is comfortable for us and what causes the least amount of anxiety. I forget that I am pregnant sometimes. My boobs are still out farther than my belly and truthfully I just look like I have a spare tire around my lower abdomen. I don't rub my belly like some pregnant women do when out in public. I don't do it because it's not something I do and also because I don't want to attract attention. Going into baby stores causes both of us anxiety - when someone asks when are you due?- we both go "God willing 9/30." Again - weird looks from store clerks. We've refused to get on mailing lists because I know how Mandy felt when things started arriving on her due date. Educating clerks about these things is always interesting. It makes me seem bitchy and paranoid and truthfully - I'm okay with that.
Ultimately in other forums - rather than this blog I do think of the happy ending.. I just can't put a voice to it yet. I probably won't be able to until the NN is here.
I've been playing phone tag with the county clerk as we're trying to get a transcript of "pe*ophile cousins" plea hearing. I've spoken to an assistant district attorney and know the full details of the crime he committed. The reason why we're going to this length is that D's family still does not understand why we are staying away. We both do not want my in laws to feel as if we're staying away from them, but we can not and will not go to family functions until we are assured he will not be there. We will NOT expose our child to this individual and we hope that when they learn the extent of his crime they will feel the same way. Taking this stance in a family that tends to put their head in the sand is difficult. We're the bad guys right now. The story that was told to my in laws is much different than what actually happened. We've been fighting this battle for about 2 years now and while I'm tired of it, I also know I am not giving up the fight. If it is one of the last things I do for D - this is important that his father understands. I don't think he really cares if his mom does as he feels she has been brainwashed for too many years to be able to take the hard line that we have. D's dad is hopefully able to read the transcript and understand that what he was told was a lie... a cover... a white wash of what actually happened. Everyone seems to forget that D is a cop and I am a nurse and that both of us deal with children that are abused on a way too frequent basis. Even if we didn't we would feel the same way. Zero tolerance... that is what we have.
In other news we've manage to piss off grandma again. Grandma being D's grandma. I prefer the term battle axe and old b*tch. Spiteful vindictive woman... No I don't have any anger at this woman at all? Her sil - D's great aunt was admitted to the hospital - we had no idea of this until she was transferred to a larger hospital and into their ICU. We were getting sketchy reports as to why she was in ICU and after a phone call to the hospital I learned she was in "guarded" condition. That's better than critical, but not as good as stable. She's old. She's frail. She sends us Christmas cards every year and she also inquires about us. She has always been nice to me when at family gatherings and actually interacted with both D and myself. She genuinely cared. We didn't feel it was fake. We still do not. I did not talk to great aunt, but I did send an "e-greeting" to the hospital as they offered this as an option. It was maybe 2 sentences. D's great aunt and grandma truthfully don't get along all that well - grandma is b*tchy to everyone so this is not a surprise. Well great aunt was tickled by our "e-greeting" and said something to grandma about it. Grandma apparently was "hurt" that we had not sent her a card. A) she's not in the hospital, b) she never sends us cards and c) she's awful to me. Why would I send a card? My fil said "well she didn't say it, but I can read her mind and it really bothers her that D doesn't come to family functions and doesn't call." First - D didn't call before all of the above occurred and second - she's not in the hospital. If she was she'd get an "e-greeting" as well. I've since sent out a get well card to great aunt... I'm sure that will send grandma about over the edge. Piss me off and I'll send a get well card or sympathy card to her as well.
D's dad asked me to talk to D and see if he would call grandma. I laughed at this because seriously does he think I am the puppet master? I handed the phone to D and D responded to his dad with - I'll put it on my list - it's right beneath fixing that pipe in the basement that leaks that I still haven't fixed in the 2 years we've lived here. (No D isn't angry at all.) He's so happy we live over here rather than over there.
Who would have thought I'd say "thank goodness my family is "normal" Because normal is not the word to use to describe my family. So - who wants to take bets as to whether grandma will be at the baby shower? At this point I'm hoping for not.
On to the second half - It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
*Pregnancy crap and paranoia ahead - be prepared*
After that conference in June I decided I needed to check out the M.I.S.S Foundation forums to see if I would find a home. A place that people would understand what I was feeling. While I know my losses were all early, my family losses tend to leave you with that inability to catch your breath just at the thought. It took me a bit, but after lurking for a while I posted my thoughts. The response I got was what I needed... it's normal. Because voicing the thoughts I've had seriously to "normal" people tends to leave them looking at you as if you've lost your freaking mind. While I know I haven't, it means I watch my words very carefully - even in this forum. I don't want smoke blown up my tookus - I want honesty. Sunday or Monday I didn't notice movement and of course a coworker had had the unlucky timing of mentioning that her daughter's gymnastic teacher had had a stillborn at 24 weeks this week and how awful that was. I came home that morning because of course NN was being a pita and not moving around like normal and grabbed the doppler out and found the heartbeat. I haven't pulled that out in a while so this was a new development. I posted this story in the forum and I finally heard "this is so normal". I needed that. I needed that because truthfully if I would have told this story to my OB he probably would have looked at me sideways and I would have had to kick him. I also know I didn't mention it to my coworkers because - again - they then look at me as if I have suddenly sprouted 2 heads.
No - I'm not comfortable with talking as if everything will be great. Primarily for the jinx factor. We're going through the motions that we are on the path of all being fine, but we are not in a comfortable state and I doubt we will be until the arrival of the NN. Making plans for the NN arrival means we talk quietly and D nags me to get on the ball about listening to the hypnobirthing cd's I should be listening to. Ultimately it means we do what is comfortable for us and what causes the least amount of anxiety. I forget that I am pregnant sometimes. My boobs are still out farther than my belly and truthfully I just look like I have a spare tire around my lower abdomen. I don't rub my belly like some pregnant women do when out in public. I don't do it because it's not something I do and also because I don't want to attract attention. Going into baby stores causes both of us anxiety - when someone asks when are you due?- we both go "God willing 9/30." Again - weird looks from store clerks. We've refused to get on mailing lists because I know how Mandy felt when things started arriving on her due date. Educating clerks about these things is always interesting. It makes me seem bitchy and paranoid and truthfully - I'm okay with that.
Ultimately in other forums - rather than this blog I do think of the happy ending.. I just can't put a voice to it yet. I probably won't be able to until the NN is here.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Wow...
I stumbled upon this on one of the message boards I frequent and I watched it and thought - wow she understands. Music is something I find comfort in and there are a few songs that hold special meaning for me. 100 years by Five for Fighting is our song. I vetoed a number of other "okay" songs, but 100 years is something that I get goose bumps even now when I listen to it. Father & Daughter by Paul Simon from The Wild Thornberry's is also special for me. It's about that love between a father and daughter and boy do I miss that.
Ultimately music soothes my soul. It's something I find comfort in and enjoy and just love. I hope this baby does as well. I'm sure I've innundated it with a number of songs that it would probably go "thumbs down" on. However I hope that there is a natural love for music as well as books. Because those are things that I feel are important.
Sorry to be quiet - while working 6 in a row things are so hectic that it's hard for me to get on the computer. Even now I should be sleeping. I have 1 more night to get through.
Ultimately music soothes my soul. It's something I find comfort in and enjoy and just love. I hope this baby does as well. I'm sure I've innundated it with a number of songs that it would probably go "thumbs down" on. However I hope that there is a natural love for music as well as books. Because those are things that I feel are important.
Sorry to be quiet - while working 6 in a row things are so hectic that it's hard for me to get on the computer. Even now I should be sleeping. I have 1 more night to get through.
Monday, June 18, 2007
All Dogs Accounted For..
First - we're back.
Second - I'm glad we're back.
The trip was long and for the most part uneventful. I will post car pictures as they are quite comical. Everyone survived the trip and no one was left behind. My mom said - "I'm sure you're going to forget one dog." I asked - which one do you want me to forget? I was teasing and she was teasing. At the point of the round up of 6 dogs - D had about lost his patience with the whole trip as well as my mom, the heat, his parents, me... pretty much everyone.
Saturday arrived way too stinking early for me and I rounded up 6 dogs and put them in the car. This would have been comical if anyone had videotaped it - thank goodness no one did. I'm sure it was quite the sight to behold. I drove to pick D up and the puppies experienced for the first time baby raccoons that they probably wanted to destroy. Apparently none of our dogs are lovers of wildlife. I arrived to pick up D who was running behind due to a complaint he had to write up. So - various dogs came in and said hi. Then we were off... D chose to drive.
We stopped off at an outlet mall so I could use a gif card that would expire and purchased some items. The adult dogs were doing well with the ride. The 2 pups were a bit rambunctious. We had to switch how we were doing their seat belts and eventually got everyone straightened out. We arrived at my mom's. En route we had received a phone call from my mom who apparently had indulged a bit too much the night before at a jewelry party. She had a hang over. Yes- my 60+ year old mother had a hang over. D thought that was quite comical.
We went to lay down and take a nap and were awoken by my mom coming in to the bedroom to hand me a telephone. D's dad was on the phone and Jodi his puppy was apparently acting punky and they would not be able to come over. I told fil that that was fine and that he needed to contact the on call vet and let us know what they recommended. So multiple phone calls and Jodi was going to be taken care of.
Sunday arrived and we checked on fil and Jodi again - who apparently was starting to perk back up. Plans were made for the in laws to come over. So Sunday afternoon 7 dogs, 2 cats, 6 adults were at my mom's house. I then had to deal with the crap about the shower they wanted to throw. Not to be picky but I like food prepared a certain way. My mil sometimes does things a bit differently. I'm used to my mom changing the recipe on me frequently, but she makes sure the flavors are the same... my mil something that I thought I would like has turned into something that tasted awful. So I had huge reservations about her making food for this thing. It became a source of debate and I'm sure I looked like an ungrateful bitch, but truthfully at this point - don't care. D of course was little to no help in regards to this and just said - "She's picky." Gee thanks.
Eventually I got the point across and settled on items she could make that would hopefully turn out. We shall see. I hate showers by the way. I'm not comfortable and truthfully with the extended family situation it's just a huge pain. If it was just my family it'd be a cake walk and I wouldn't have the anxiety about it that I do. It's just not something I'm terribly excited about except to see some of my family friends and family. It'll be interesting.
Monday we visited with D's cousin's widown and seen the girls. They are adorable and precious and just such little sweet hearts. C and I enjoyed chit chatting and D got to take care of the 2 girls. We left a few hours ago and finally arrived home.
There was only a few bumps in the road... D and I while cutting rhubarb for a pie ended up getting into some stinging nettle - nothing water and steroid cream won't cure. The pie was wonderful. Pepper pooped in her kennel... atrocious smell that we cleaned up - this occurred while we were visiting with the girls. The icing on the proverbial cake - was Blue chose to destroy my laptop cord. D pulled my laptop out of the bag and put it on the floor... Blue has a bad habit of putting everything in his mouth and proceeded to tear part of it apart. So a new cord will be bought tomorrow.
Ultimately we survived. The pups were almost angels on the ride home - apparently we need to drive during night as they are much better behaved then during the day.
Second - I'm glad we're back.
The trip was long and for the most part uneventful. I will post car pictures as they are quite comical. Everyone survived the trip and no one was left behind. My mom said - "I'm sure you're going to forget one dog." I asked - which one do you want me to forget? I was teasing and she was teasing. At the point of the round up of 6 dogs - D had about lost his patience with the whole trip as well as my mom, the heat, his parents, me... pretty much everyone.
Saturday arrived way too stinking early for me and I rounded up 6 dogs and put them in the car. This would have been comical if anyone had videotaped it - thank goodness no one did. I'm sure it was quite the sight to behold. I drove to pick D up and the puppies experienced for the first time baby raccoons that they probably wanted to destroy. Apparently none of our dogs are lovers of wildlife. I arrived to pick up D who was running behind due to a complaint he had to write up. So - various dogs came in and said hi. Then we were off... D chose to drive.
We stopped off at an outlet mall so I could use a gif card that would expire and purchased some items. The adult dogs were doing well with the ride. The 2 pups were a bit rambunctious. We had to switch how we were doing their seat belts and eventually got everyone straightened out. We arrived at my mom's. En route we had received a phone call from my mom who apparently had indulged a bit too much the night before at a jewelry party. She had a hang over. Yes- my 60+ year old mother had a hang over. D thought that was quite comical.
We went to lay down and take a nap and were awoken by my mom coming in to the bedroom to hand me a telephone. D's dad was on the phone and Jodi his puppy was apparently acting punky and they would not be able to come over. I told fil that that was fine and that he needed to contact the on call vet and let us know what they recommended. So multiple phone calls and Jodi was going to be taken care of.
Sunday arrived and we checked on fil and Jodi again - who apparently was starting to perk back up. Plans were made for the in laws to come over. So Sunday afternoon 7 dogs, 2 cats, 6 adults were at my mom's house. I then had to deal with the crap about the shower they wanted to throw. Not to be picky but I like food prepared a certain way. My mil sometimes does things a bit differently. I'm used to my mom changing the recipe on me frequently, but she makes sure the flavors are the same... my mil something that I thought I would like has turned into something that tasted awful. So I had huge reservations about her making food for this thing. It became a source of debate and I'm sure I looked like an ungrateful bitch, but truthfully at this point - don't care. D of course was little to no help in regards to this and just said - "She's picky." Gee thanks.
Eventually I got the point across and settled on items she could make that would hopefully turn out. We shall see. I hate showers by the way. I'm not comfortable and truthfully with the extended family situation it's just a huge pain. If it was just my family it'd be a cake walk and I wouldn't have the anxiety about it that I do. It's just not something I'm terribly excited about except to see some of my family friends and family. It'll be interesting.
Monday we visited with D's cousin's widown and seen the girls. They are adorable and precious and just such little sweet hearts. C and I enjoyed chit chatting and D got to take care of the 2 girls. We left a few hours ago and finally arrived home.
There was only a few bumps in the road... D and I while cutting rhubarb for a pie ended up getting into some stinging nettle - nothing water and steroid cream won't cure. The pie was wonderful. Pepper pooped in her kennel... atrocious smell that we cleaned up - this occurred while we were visiting with the girls. The icing on the proverbial cake - was Blue chose to destroy my laptop cord. D pulled my laptop out of the bag and put it on the floor... Blue has a bad habit of putting everything in his mouth and proceeded to tear part of it apart. So a new cord will be bought tomorrow.
Ultimately we survived. The pups were almost angels on the ride home - apparently we need to drive during night as they are much better behaved then during the day.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Phew...
It's a new day... and I'm thankful.
This year nothing bad happened on the 15th, but it hung over my head like the proverbial water bucket waiting to drop on my head. I kept looking behind me waiting for something to either hit me upside the head or drop me to the floor.
Today is the first year I haven't had to pick up the pieces in 2 years. I'm thankful for that. I'll take that as a birthday gift anytime.
Now to go feed puppies, make sure everyone goes to the bathroom and then load everyone into the car and deal with a 3-3.5 hour drive. Lets hope this goes smoothly!
Have a great weekend - mine will be fine. It's all cake from here.
This year nothing bad happened on the 15th, but it hung over my head like the proverbial water bucket waiting to drop on my head. I kept looking behind me waiting for something to either hit me upside the head or drop me to the floor.
Today is the first year I haven't had to pick up the pieces in 2 years. I'm thankful for that. I'll take that as a birthday gift anytime.
Now to go feed puppies, make sure everyone goes to the bathroom and then load everyone into the car and deal with a 3-3.5 hour drive. Lets hope this goes smoothly!
Have a great weekend - mine will be fine. It's all cake from here.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Two Years...
Two years ago today at around 11 a.m. I had my first d/c and awoke to find out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The next day was my birthday and I started a blog.
One year ago today I learned that a pregnancy that had "looked promising" was actually another miscarriage. Eight days later I had my second d/c.
Understandably - the mere mention of June 15th sends some anxiety my way. Primarily because - supposedly lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place - yet that day has not been kind to me. I used to love my birthday the 16th, but now I just look at it as the day after bad things have happened. The day I have to pick up the pieces...
This year things are different and God willing they will stay that way - I have no doctor's appts scheduled. I deliberately did that because - see above. If I could drink heavily today I would... instead I'm going to have to settle for taking care of two minor errands and then coming home and curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head and sitting there with the doppler listening and poking the NN to make it move - because at least that's reassuring for a little while.
Tomorrow we will leave on a road trip to the other side of the state - with the 6 canines and D. D will probably be bitchy as he has to work tomorrow night. I plan on attempting to not be bitchy with my in laws... though that may take some effort.
Yesterday June 14th, found me at a conference on "The power of compassion - dealing with infant and child loss" the speaker was from the MISS organization. It covered miscarriage, stillborn, NICU deaths and deaths of older children. I know - what the hell was I thinking of going to that right now. However = I realized as I watched a documentary of a woman who had had 3 stillbirths and she said - "I just feel as if I keep failing and what have I accomplished in these 3 years. I have nothing to show for it. And people think I'm nuts to try again." I related to her. Because I remember feeling that way... This is my 12th pregnancy... and when you say that to someone they look at you as if you've lost your bloody mind. How could you be so stupid to keep trying and trying over and over again. I don't know how - other than to go with the thought that maybe - in some way, shape or form things will finally work out. Ultimately- I don't want to fail again.
One year ago today I learned that a pregnancy that had "looked promising" was actually another miscarriage. Eight days later I had my second d/c.
Understandably - the mere mention of June 15th sends some anxiety my way. Primarily because - supposedly lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place - yet that day has not been kind to me. I used to love my birthday the 16th, but now I just look at it as the day after bad things have happened. The day I have to pick up the pieces...
This year things are different and God willing they will stay that way - I have no doctor's appts scheduled. I deliberately did that because - see above. If I could drink heavily today I would... instead I'm going to have to settle for taking care of two minor errands and then coming home and curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head and sitting there with the doppler listening and poking the NN to make it move - because at least that's reassuring for a little while.
Tomorrow we will leave on a road trip to the other side of the state - with the 6 canines and D. D will probably be bitchy as he has to work tomorrow night. I plan on attempting to not be bitchy with my in laws... though that may take some effort.
Yesterday June 14th, found me at a conference on "The power of compassion - dealing with infant and child loss" the speaker was from the MISS organization. It covered miscarriage, stillborn, NICU deaths and deaths of older children. I know - what the hell was I thinking of going to that right now. However = I realized as I watched a documentary of a woman who had had 3 stillbirths and she said - "I just feel as if I keep failing and what have I accomplished in these 3 years. I have nothing to show for it. And people think I'm nuts to try again." I related to her. Because I remember feeling that way... This is my 12th pregnancy... and when you say that to someone they look at you as if you've lost your bloody mind. How could you be so stupid to keep trying and trying over and over again. I don't know how - other than to go with the thought that maybe - in some way, shape or form things will finally work out. Ultimately- I don't want to fail again.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
And I'm Tired...
This work stretch was long... mentally more than physically. Although I was feeling the effects by the beginning of night 6. Yes, you read that correctly - night 6. Remember I'm a bit nuts and like to work 6 in a row. Some work stretches are harder than others. This one was harder than most. Which is probably what prompted my paranoid rant. I think it is sufficient to say - this weekend really truly sucked. I think that sums it up and the rest can be left up to your imagination.
I think most people know that I'm fairly optimistic about most things in life. Apparently pregnancy is not something I tend to be optimistic about. I know that most are here reading and going - okay did she ever get the fetal echo done. The answer is yes, I stopped in this morning to speak with the pediatric cardiologist. I was not even sure if he'd be in. He was... and we did the echo. The Not Negative's heart looks just fine. He likes to do them at 20 weeks as that's when he feels he gets the best pictures, but we were able to see what we needed to see. D and I both are relieved to know that the structures they were not able to see are all there - present and accounted for. I also asked about the risk of heart defects based on my situation. He said it did not really raise my risk substantially. That was probably comforting. However he did not make fun of my paranoia and he certainly did not act as if I was nuts. So... we can breathe a sigh of relief and still have that u/s in 4-6 weeks and take another peek at the NN.
We also this weekend that is coming up will be going to my mom's. Yes - with the 6 dogs. D needs to do a few things to help my mom out and my mom finally had a break down about Sadie. She lost her cell phone yesterday and during the phone call she said "I've lost my dog, I've lost my cell phone, I feel as if I'm losing my mind." Followed of course by tears and such. She has said she's going back on prozac - which I feel is a good thing as the last few weeks her coping skills have gone from being fabulous to non existent. Generally she goes off for a few months and is on for a few months - no clue why she just doesn't stay on all the time - stubborness. So we're going to try and cheer my mom up. Have a talk with Fred & Molly - the cats about their behavior and just drive 3 hours to do those things.
Now - I'm whipped. Tomorrow I'll be going to a meeting then to a conference called the power of compassion it's regarding infant and child loss - including miscarriage and stillbirth. The speaker is affiliated with MISS organization. I'm looking forward to it.
I think most people know that I'm fairly optimistic about most things in life. Apparently pregnancy is not something I tend to be optimistic about. I know that most are here reading and going - okay did she ever get the fetal echo done. The answer is yes, I stopped in this morning to speak with the pediatric cardiologist. I was not even sure if he'd be in. He was... and we did the echo. The Not Negative's heart looks just fine. He likes to do them at 20 weeks as that's when he feels he gets the best pictures, but we were able to see what we needed to see. D and I both are relieved to know that the structures they were not able to see are all there - present and accounted for. I also asked about the risk of heart defects based on my situation. He said it did not really raise my risk substantially. That was probably comforting. However he did not make fun of my paranoia and he certainly did not act as if I was nuts. So... we can breathe a sigh of relief and still have that u/s in 4-6 weeks and take another peek at the NN.
We also this weekend that is coming up will be going to my mom's. Yes - with the 6 dogs. D needs to do a few things to help my mom out and my mom finally had a break down about Sadie. She lost her cell phone yesterday and during the phone call she said "I've lost my dog, I've lost my cell phone, I feel as if I'm losing my mind." Followed of course by tears and such. She has said she's going back on prozac - which I feel is a good thing as the last few weeks her coping skills have gone from being fabulous to non existent. Generally she goes off for a few months and is on for a few months - no clue why she just doesn't stay on all the time - stubborness. So we're going to try and cheer my mom up. Have a talk with Fred & Molly - the cats about their behavior and just drive 3 hours to do those things.
Now - I'm whipped. Tomorrow I'll be going to a meeting then to a conference called the power of compassion it's regarding infant and child loss - including miscarriage and stillbirth. The speaker is affiliated with MISS organization. I'm looking forward to it.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Welcome to Paranoid City...
My name is Sami and I'll be your guide :)
I'm going to give a warning out there that this is probably paranoid. That most people wouldn't be as uptight as I am. However I need to remind all of you of a couple of facts then get on with the story. First - we've had 11 miscarriages/ectopic pregnancies/ early exits/whatever you want to call them they sucked. Second - my family history sucks in regards to pregnancies... late problems are not uncommon and by problems I mean stillborn and miscarriages. Third - my sister had a baby that was born still with heart defects. Fourth - the NN would not cooperate for the u/s and show his/her heart structures so that all 4 chambers of the heart are there working together. That's an important picture - it is the proverbial money shot to diagnose defects.
So... while my doctor was pretty nonchalant about the lack of the "money shot" he did say we would need another u/s at 28-30 weeks. I love pictures of the NN, but I would rather "know" than "not know" in regards to the heart. This weekend I had the pleasure to be able to talk to a pediatric cardiologist and he said - heck come to my office for a fetal echo and we can say if all the structures are there or not. Mind you my ob hasn't mentioned a fetal echo, just that we need to get more pictures. Now here's where I run into paranoia... Remember I'm a peds nurse in an ICU... I see the bad and I see the good, and I see the babies that have their defects repaired and the ones that are just diagnosed due to lack of prenatal care etc. So... sooner = time for me to know and time for me to learn and time for me to figure out and get comfortable with any interventions if the NN had a heart defect. Finding out later means I don't have as much time, yet I spend a few days going - all is fine it all looked good to the little shit wouldn't show all of it's heart we have no idea if it is "normal" or not. Either way I'm obsessing right?
So... I emailed the doc (ped cardio guy) and am awaiting his response. Different things are on the internet as to who should have a fetal echo. One of them was a patient that had a family history of heart defects. The question is - are we saying 1 sibling having a baby with a heart defect equals someone who should have one or are we saying - multiple individuals with heart defects in the family. I asked him these questions.
I'll keep you posted, but would love your thoughts.
Don't worry I am enjoying this NN take 12, I just want to know that "everything looks fine" rather than be in that land of am I being too optimistic or am I being pessimistic. D of course is no help - he said - "will the insurance cover it" and I said "I think so?" and his response "well then lets have someone who knows the heart rather than someone who knows hooha's tell us all is well." Got to love him...
I'm going to give a warning out there that this is probably paranoid. That most people wouldn't be as uptight as I am. However I need to remind all of you of a couple of facts then get on with the story. First - we've had 11 miscarriages/ectopic pregnancies/ early exits/whatever you want to call them they sucked. Second - my family history sucks in regards to pregnancies... late problems are not uncommon and by problems I mean stillborn and miscarriages. Third - my sister had a baby that was born still with heart defects. Fourth - the NN would not cooperate for the u/s and show his/her heart structures so that all 4 chambers of the heart are there working together. That's an important picture - it is the proverbial money shot to diagnose defects.
So... while my doctor was pretty nonchalant about the lack of the "money shot" he did say we would need another u/s at 28-30 weeks. I love pictures of the NN, but I would rather "know" than "not know" in regards to the heart. This weekend I had the pleasure to be able to talk to a pediatric cardiologist and he said - heck come to my office for a fetal echo and we can say if all the structures are there or not. Mind you my ob hasn't mentioned a fetal echo, just that we need to get more pictures. Now here's where I run into paranoia... Remember I'm a peds nurse in an ICU... I see the bad and I see the good, and I see the babies that have their defects repaired and the ones that are just diagnosed due to lack of prenatal care etc. So... sooner = time for me to know and time for me to learn and time for me to figure out and get comfortable with any interventions if the NN had a heart defect. Finding out later means I don't have as much time, yet I spend a few days going - all is fine it all looked good to the little shit wouldn't show all of it's heart we have no idea if it is "normal" or not. Either way I'm obsessing right?
So... I emailed the doc (ped cardio guy) and am awaiting his response. Different things are on the internet as to who should have a fetal echo. One of them was a patient that had a family history of heart defects. The question is - are we saying 1 sibling having a baby with a heart defect equals someone who should have one or are we saying - multiple individuals with heart defects in the family. I asked him these questions.
I'll keep you posted, but would love your thoughts.
Don't worry I am enjoying this NN take 12, I just want to know that "everything looks fine" rather than be in that land of am I being too optimistic or am I being pessimistic. D of course is no help - he said - "will the insurance cover it" and I said "I think so?" and his response "well then lets have someone who knows the heart rather than someone who knows hooha's tell us all is well." Got to love him...
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Just another day at the vet...
Remember how I said things were going swimmingly with Blue & Pepper's nip/tuck procedure?
No - good cause... apparently I was mistaken.
While Blue has been fine and his wound looks as if it is healing nicely - his wanker no longer appears to be bruised and he's just going on with life as normal. Pepper was fine as well up until... Tuesday. D apparently found a lump near her incision, but of course did not say anything to me because - well hell I don't know why.
Yesterday D said - "Hey, did you get a chance to look at Pepper's wound?" When I responded no - he suggested I take a look. So I did and he looked as well and said - "Hmm that's a bigger lump than was there yesterday." So it was 5:30 pm and I called the vet who told me - "You'll need to bring her in to see if we need to drain it - 10:45 alright?"
So this morning off we went to the vet. You know our second home with the uncomfortable chairs? Yeah that place. We took Blue along because - well he doesn't like to be without Pepper so off we go. Ernie of course came along as well because - well Ernie's a big giant wimp who doesn't like to be in his kennel so we avoid it if we can.
So it was D, me, and the 3 weims... on the road again. It gave us a glimpse of what it's going to be like with all 6 next week. It was not a pretty glimpse. Imagine this...
All dogs belted in their seat belts... behaving like good dogs?? Well that wasn't our car so move over to the next car... All dogs belted into their seat belts and Ernie setting on Pepper. Blue trying to find anything he can chew on -paper, plastic, whatever he can get his greedy little mouth on. Pepper twisting in her seat belt. Yep that's a better image and that's how it truly went.
We arrived at the vet's and went in with Pepper and Blue because - again - they go together like salt & pepper. Eventually the vet tech comes out and says - I'll just take Pepper back. Pepper apparently had a flashback and decided that going back meant she was staying and hell not that wasn't happening. She put on her brakes and had to be half carried back there. Blue meanwhile tried to follow. He then stood and stared at where she left and whined. Pitifully. No amount of reassurance from us made him believe for 2 seconds that she was coming back.
Then - she was back. She apparently developed a seroma or hematoma at the site and it was drained. If it becomes that big again - we'll have to drain it again, but usually these things apparently do well after the first draining. The vet tech asked us to try and keep her quiet for the next few weeks and D and I both looked at each other and laughed. There isn't enough tranquilizers in the state to keep Pepper quiet for that long. She's a busy girl. We'll do our best. Rough housing will be out for at least a little while and hopefully this thing will heal on its own without us having to take her back in again.
Blue was happy to be reunited with his sister. He and Pepper stared at the vet tech as if to say - see - we're a team. They both were sitting at the time which was the comical part.
So that was my morning - how was yours?
No - good cause... apparently I was mistaken.
While Blue has been fine and his wound looks as if it is healing nicely - his wanker no longer appears to be bruised and he's just going on with life as normal. Pepper was fine as well up until... Tuesday. D apparently found a lump near her incision, but of course did not say anything to me because - well hell I don't know why.
Yesterday D said - "Hey, did you get a chance to look at Pepper's wound?" When I responded no - he suggested I take a look. So I did and he looked as well and said - "Hmm that's a bigger lump than was there yesterday." So it was 5:30 pm and I called the vet who told me - "You'll need to bring her in to see if we need to drain it - 10:45 alright?"
So this morning off we went to the vet. You know our second home with the uncomfortable chairs? Yeah that place. We took Blue along because - well he doesn't like to be without Pepper so off we go. Ernie of course came along as well because - well Ernie's a big giant wimp who doesn't like to be in his kennel so we avoid it if we can.
So it was D, me, and the 3 weims... on the road again. It gave us a glimpse of what it's going to be like with all 6 next week. It was not a pretty glimpse. Imagine this...
All dogs belted in their seat belts... behaving like good dogs?? Well that wasn't our car so move over to the next car... All dogs belted into their seat belts and Ernie setting on Pepper. Blue trying to find anything he can chew on -paper, plastic, whatever he can get his greedy little mouth on. Pepper twisting in her seat belt. Yep that's a better image and that's how it truly went.
We arrived at the vet's and went in with Pepper and Blue because - again - they go together like salt & pepper. Eventually the vet tech comes out and says - I'll just take Pepper back. Pepper apparently had a flashback and decided that going back meant she was staying and hell not that wasn't happening. She put on her brakes and had to be half carried back there. Blue meanwhile tried to follow. He then stood and stared at where she left and whined. Pitifully. No amount of reassurance from us made him believe for 2 seconds that she was coming back.
Then - she was back. She apparently developed a seroma or hematoma at the site and it was drained. If it becomes that big again - we'll have to drain it again, but usually these things apparently do well after the first draining. The vet tech asked us to try and keep her quiet for the next few weeks and D and I both looked at each other and laughed. There isn't enough tranquilizers in the state to keep Pepper quiet for that long. She's a busy girl. We'll do our best. Rough housing will be out for at least a little while and hopefully this thing will heal on its own without us having to take her back in again.
Blue was happy to be reunited with his sister. He and Pepper stared at the vet tech as if to say - see - we're a team. They both were sitting at the time which was the comical part.
So that was my morning - how was yours?
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Warning
This post for those that are sensitive to pregnancy things is about the Not Negative take 12... Just wanting to give you the warning so you don't feel drive by'd.
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Yesterday was our big ultrasound... while I have been feeling movements namely on my right upper quadrant and right lower quadrant... leading me to believe the NN was head down and doing fine - that hasn't saved me from some anxiety about this ultrasound. Namely - heart defects. Finding out a gender is just an added perk and I will not be announcing the gender on this blog until the end of July. We've chosen to keep the gender a secret from our families and surprise them with the gender at the shower that will be happening at that time. That way both moms will find out at the same time. I know how mean can I be right?
So - ultrasound and ob appt... fun times. D had no sleep to speak of going into this which makes for a cranky husband and leads to a cranky wife. He was excited about seeing the NN again though so shaped up prior to going into the doctor's office - however the drive up - cranky husband... I fed him a s*nickers and told him to eat it and knock it off. I was guzzling the required 2 cups of water and that if he wanted to listen to me b*tch about my full bladder than I would listen to his whining about lack of sleep. He ate the bar and drank his coffee and life became so much better.
We arrived on time to our appointment and went in and waited. Waited... waited... waited... and waited. So much for being on time right? Finally our name was called and the u/s tech apologized for the wait however they repaired the vcr so we would get a tape of the proceedings.
From the get go she did some quick measurements and NN was being a wiggly worm. Moving all over the place and being a stinker about holding still. We had told her in advance that we did want to know the gender, however we want to keep the pictures off the VCR tape of the NN's gender as we don't want the grandparents to know. She agreed to these conditions and printed off a picture with the gender on it and this is what I'll be putting in the cards to the grandparents.
On to more pictures - posterior placenta check, 2 arms- check, 2 legs- check, 2- kidneys check, bladder - check, 3 vessel cord - check, and so on... the NN is head down and not looking as if it wants to move from that particular spot as it also likes to have it's hands up by it's face. Getting the hands off the face took forever. NN pretty much swatted at the u/s wand when it bounced on my belly as if to say - "Shoo away I'm sleeping here!" I highly doubt it was sleeping as you could see arms and legs flailing all over the place - mostly legs. The heart pictures proved difficult which to me are some of the most important ones... as of right now everything looks good but we will have to go back for more pictures of the heart in 2 appointments.
I'll be posting updated u/s pictures at the NN website sometime today/tomorrow. D has to scan them and then we have to upload them and go from there.
Ultimately we are just happy that the NN appears healthy and whole and has the requisite fingers, toes, organs, etc. Now we just have to get through the next 16 and a half weeks. Viability is on the horizon and I am anxious to at the very minimum get past 24 weeks although I'd much rather be 28 weeks or greater as then I think I could take a deep breath.
Next appointment is in July so we'll try to keep things quiet on our end until then.
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Yesterday was our big ultrasound... while I have been feeling movements namely on my right upper quadrant and right lower quadrant... leading me to believe the NN was head down and doing fine - that hasn't saved me from some anxiety about this ultrasound. Namely - heart defects. Finding out a gender is just an added perk and I will not be announcing the gender on this blog until the end of July. We've chosen to keep the gender a secret from our families and surprise them with the gender at the shower that will be happening at that time. That way both moms will find out at the same time. I know how mean can I be right?
So - ultrasound and ob appt... fun times. D had no sleep to speak of going into this which makes for a cranky husband and leads to a cranky wife. He was excited about seeing the NN again though so shaped up prior to going into the doctor's office - however the drive up - cranky husband... I fed him a s*nickers and told him to eat it and knock it off. I was guzzling the required 2 cups of water and that if he wanted to listen to me b*tch about my full bladder than I would listen to his whining about lack of sleep. He ate the bar and drank his coffee and life became so much better.
We arrived on time to our appointment and went in and waited. Waited... waited... waited... and waited. So much for being on time right? Finally our name was called and the u/s tech apologized for the wait however they repaired the vcr so we would get a tape of the proceedings.
From the get go she did some quick measurements and NN was being a wiggly worm. Moving all over the place and being a stinker about holding still. We had told her in advance that we did want to know the gender, however we want to keep the pictures off the VCR tape of the NN's gender as we don't want the grandparents to know. She agreed to these conditions and printed off a picture with the gender on it and this is what I'll be putting in the cards to the grandparents.
On to more pictures - posterior placenta check, 2 arms- check, 2 legs- check, 2- kidneys check, bladder - check, 3 vessel cord - check, and so on... the NN is head down and not looking as if it wants to move from that particular spot as it also likes to have it's hands up by it's face. Getting the hands off the face took forever. NN pretty much swatted at the u/s wand when it bounced on my belly as if to say - "Shoo away I'm sleeping here!" I highly doubt it was sleeping as you could see arms and legs flailing all over the place - mostly legs. The heart pictures proved difficult which to me are some of the most important ones... as of right now everything looks good but we will have to go back for more pictures of the heart in 2 appointments.
I'll be posting updated u/s pictures at the NN website sometime today/tomorrow. D has to scan them and then we have to upload them and go from there.
Ultimately we are just happy that the NN appears healthy and whole and has the requisite fingers, toes, organs, etc. Now we just have to get through the next 16 and a half weeks. Viability is on the horizon and I am anxious to at the very minimum get past 24 weeks although I'd much rather be 28 weeks or greater as then I think I could take a deep breath.
Next appointment is in July so we'll try to keep things quiet on our end until then.
Monday, June 04, 2007
11 years and a day...
June 3rd, 1996 - a very special pup was born. I didn't meet him until August while visiting my sister and that day changed my life. Chancellor Sebastien became my dog.
He almost had me disowned from my family as when my mother heard the news she wouldn't speak to me. She was very vocal in her yelling about it once I got home. She even gave my sister an earful. I was 18 and I would be going off to college and to a new apartment and I brought home a puppy. I did of course check to make sure I could have a puppy in the apartment complex, but still. I did think about it before I bought him. I thought for all of 2 seconds. He was adorable. He was being run aground by a terrier. He had a blue eye and a brown eye. He looked at me with love.
Chance won my mom over by grabbing a newspaper and running around with it over his head - he then ran into a table and yelped. My mom dropped the phone she was yellling at my sister on and ran and picked him up - making sure he was okay. Chance spent about 4 weeks with my parents - being house broken and loved. My mom was devestated when they brought Chance to me. However Chance had been missing me from the get go. He would lay in my clothes or steal something of mine that smelled of me and keep it in his kennel.
Over the years Chance has been there for everything. He was there for the bad dating years... for the schmuck years, for the online dating year, and for the day I met D. Of all the men that walked through my door - D was the only one Chance did not try and do something to. By something I mean - eat a wallet, shoe, pee on them, jump in their laps and give them kisses whenever they attempted to kiss me... etc. Chance liked D. Now... Chance loves D - not as much as he loves me, but still he loves D.
Chance was also known as "freak dog" for a number of years - now he's just a mouth rather than a freak. However he is efficient at opening water bottles, finding food and figuring out ways to sit on the kitchen counter. The dog is resourceful.
Chance is a doxie and doxies have back problems. Chance has been blessed to not show the signs he did in previous years - when the whether changed whether it be good or bad he would limp and the sensation would get a bit off in his hind quarters. He has been blessed to survive an awful attack by Meg. I thought for sure that he was a goner once we saw the extent of the wounds and now - he's lost a pound and a half and it's like he's got a new lease on life. He's spry - he's fast, he runs... all things he never would have done 6 months ago.
Chance is many things - a mouthy, obstinate, loveable, caring dog - who has been with me through thick, thin and everything in between. I am blessed to have found this dog. D and I both love him and hope that we have at the very least a few more good years with Chance.
Happy Birthday Chance - we celebrated yesterday as you got yourself some ice cream, but now the whole world knows it's your day... may we have many more.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
The Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
All of our dogs (D & mine) are fine... however this is for Sadie.
Sadie was my parents dog. She was a golden lab. She initially was the dog that my dad got after his stroke. This dog went everywhere with him. To the pronto mart for morning coffee even, to the doctor's office, etc etc. Rarely was she left home. After my dad's death she became my mom's dog. She was in my mom's mind a link to my dad. Sadie helped my mom get through those initial days, weeks, months after the loss of my dad. Granted she also became a reason for my mom to go to my dad's grave and give him a talking to about his dog, but that was more due to the fact he neglected to let anyone know that she had panic attacks during storms. We learned this the hard way when she pounced on my mom in the middle of the night before the storm hit and was hyperventilating. Gee- thanks dad.
Sadie was a very sweet golden lab who only wanted to be loved. You'd yell at her for a transgression and she'd put her head down, blink her eyes at you and wag her tail at you begging for forgiveness. She and Fred (a yellow cat of my parents) had a weird relationship - I say weird, as you'd always find the two of them licking one another and laying together. It was odd to say the least. Granted Fred is an odd cat anyway.
Sadie was there when my dad died. Sadie would not let the paramedics in to take care of my dad and had to be put in his truck until he was taken to the hospital. That night when D went to the house - he found Sadie just staring at the spot where he assumed my dad had laid. She then quietly walked over to him and put her head on his leg as if to ask - "are you sure?" D said it broke his heart and it did mine because once I got home with my mom - she was still staring at that spot in the kitchen. We had to drag her away from it. My mom let Sadie sleep in the bed with her that night for the first time. Sadie slept in my dad's spot and doted on my mom. She helped my mom through those initial days and I am so thankful for her as is D.
Sadie had had a leg wound for a while that my mom had been taking her to the vet for. However after a few months of this wound still not healing my mom sought out a second opinion after Sadie attacked Fred putting a large gash in Fred's ear. This was on top of the other personality changes that she had had which made her unpredictable at best - she was suddenly destroying things in the house which she had never done and her response to Ernie, Chance and Lola was becoming unpredictable. After running more tests, prescribing more medicine and waiting for those results the results were in. Sadie had cancer and it was advanced. My mom beat herself up about this because she had been taking Sadie to another vet for months and had been told it wasn't cancer. If only... granted the outcome probably would be the same, but my mom feels awful that by the time Sadie was diagnosed it was too late to do any good. In the last month while Sadie did not appear to lose weight she had lost 20 lbs.
Yesterday June 2, was Sadie's last day on this earth. She spent her last night with my mom and my mom was with her when she passed. Sadie will be cremated and her ashes will be placed near my dad's grave. We figure that that is where he would want her to be. I am positive that animals have a place in heaven... because animals are part of God's creatures and they make humans happy... everyone has a different view of what their heaven is like - mine has a lot of animals in it as I'm sure my dad's did as well. Sadie and my dad are reunited again... I hope she gave him a big ole lick - yes she'd probably get yelled at, but I think it's fitting that he get a lick since he hid that fear of storms from all of us.
Rest well Sadie girl...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
All is quiet - for the moment...
I have six doggies sleeping in my bedroom - three on the bed and three in their kennels! Life is always good when everyone is sleeping!
Today I take Blue & Pepper to the vet for their procedures so that we won't have any more puppies. While I hate having them be in pain for anything I also know I do NOT want to deal with more puppies in the future. We are not breeders - heck we're not even breeders in the human form why the hell would we be in the dog form? So - it is a necessary thing to do. We'll pick up the two puppies this afternoon and they'll have to rest for a few days and then life is back to normal so to speak.
D says thank you to all the wonderful birthday wishes. He received coffee as his birthday gift from me. I know so terribly loving and sweet aren't I? I think right now we're both so busy trying to get things done, working 10-12 hours at our jobs - his is 10, mine is 12 that we're really just wanting a vacation. However - no vacation in sight. It's our lot in life - that right now vacation time is absent and we'll just have to deal with life as it goes.
We're planning on going out to eat this weekend to celebrate our birthdays and have a relaxing night at home. I know we're such exciting people. I worked my 6 day stretch and spent yesterday recovering from it. Slept all day and all night - and miraculously I did not have tail bone pain which has been occurring at frequent intervals while at work during the night. It's there then it goes away -and boy do I love when it goes away as it's a nagging ache not that painful, just constantly there for a bit then it goes away. We googled it and found there's really not a whole hell of a lot you can do for tail bone pain. Gee - thanks.
My friend from work who is due a few days after me found out she's having a GIRL :D I'm tickled for them as I think they will be great parents in general and a girl of theirs will definitely be a hoot to watch grow up! She will be very well loved and very well spoiled and all those things are good things. I'm working on getting my registry done- though I feel like I'm an idiot in regards to these things and have basically just followed a book to see what I need/don't need.
Other than that... life is good. As always we're taking one day at a time. Isn't that all one really can do?
Today I take Blue & Pepper to the vet for their procedures so that we won't have any more puppies. While I hate having them be in pain for anything I also know I do NOT want to deal with more puppies in the future. We are not breeders - heck we're not even breeders in the human form why the hell would we be in the dog form? So - it is a necessary thing to do. We'll pick up the two puppies this afternoon and they'll have to rest for a few days and then life is back to normal so to speak.
D says thank you to all the wonderful birthday wishes. He received coffee as his birthday gift from me. I know so terribly loving and sweet aren't I? I think right now we're both so busy trying to get things done, working 10-12 hours at our jobs - his is 10, mine is 12 that we're really just wanting a vacation. However - no vacation in sight. It's our lot in life - that right now vacation time is absent and we'll just have to deal with life as it goes.
We're planning on going out to eat this weekend to celebrate our birthdays and have a relaxing night at home. I know we're such exciting people. I worked my 6 day stretch and spent yesterday recovering from it. Slept all day and all night - and miraculously I did not have tail bone pain which has been occurring at frequent intervals while at work during the night. It's there then it goes away -and boy do I love when it goes away as it's a nagging ache not that painful, just constantly there for a bit then it goes away. We googled it and found there's really not a whole hell of a lot you can do for tail bone pain. Gee - thanks.
My friend from work who is due a few days after me found out she's having a GIRL :D I'm tickled for them as I think they will be great parents in general and a girl of theirs will definitely be a hoot to watch grow up! She will be very well loved and very well spoiled and all those things are good things. I'm working on getting my registry done- though I feel like I'm an idiot in regards to these things and have basically just followed a book to see what I need/don't need.
Other than that... life is good. As always we're taking one day at a time. Isn't that all one really can do?
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Happy Birthday
Twenty-nine years ago something special happened... D was born.
Four years ago in April he walked up to my house and knocked on my door... my life has not been the same since. I am so very thankful and lucky to have found such a fabulous man. Through everything - we knew we could count on one another and that we each had the other's back. He only once got frustrated with the whole 2 years of trying... whenever I said lets try this - he agreed. He isn't bothered by having 6 dogs in the house and he loves the hoodlums all equally. He loves my mom. He's a great son-in-law and son. He knows what I'm thinking before I even have to say it. He loves me unconditionally...
Happy Birthday my love... may the years continue to get better and better.
Four years ago in April he walked up to my house and knocked on my door... my life has not been the same since. I am so very thankful and lucky to have found such a fabulous man. Through everything - we knew we could count on one another and that we each had the other's back. He only once got frustrated with the whole 2 years of trying... whenever I said lets try this - he agreed. He isn't bothered by having 6 dogs in the house and he loves the hoodlums all equally. He loves my mom. He's a great son-in-law and son. He knows what I'm thinking before I even have to say it. He loves me unconditionally...
Happy Birthday my love... may the years continue to get better and better.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I Survived...
The weekend is over and boy are we happy to have our home back. It was nice to visit, but it is such a different type of visit with my in laws vs my mom.
Friday I had set up a dinner with some friends from another bulletin board and told D that I was not changing it just because his parents were coming to visit. We set this date up in April and his parents announced the weekend before they came that they were coming. Both could be done, it's just that his parents would be left with 6 dogs and their puppy for a brief period of time before I got home.
Friday while at dinner - I received a phone call from D. D wanted to know whether I was on my way home yet. I responded "No." He was slightly agitated... apparently his parents were there and that he just was worried about leaving the dogs with his parents. Mind you - he leaves the dogs with my mom without looking back. So I told him I would be home shortly. Finished dinner and then called him. Apparently he was worried that his parents just wouldn't be able to handle the dogs, puppies, etc. They had Jodi with them and while Jodi is very well behaved the addition of the other two puppies to the mix leads to puppy chaos.
Quite comical puppy chaos. I arrived home shortly after we talked, reassurred D that none of his precious pups had been let out unsupervised and that all were accounted for. I have to laugh at this because I think it gives you a glimpse as to why we have said we're not planning on having them baby sit? I came home, let the 2 pups out. Outside they went and were well behaved little hoodlums running, playing, attacking one another - poor Blue is the low man on the totem pole - he's a pushover. He's all of 44 lbs and just is kind of the one who everyone dominates. Pepper weighs in at about 38 lbs and Jodi is about the same. So he's got 6 lbs on them and he's still the one you find on the ground most days. He's a mellow fellow. The 2 girls on the other hand - wow watch them run. Speed demons is an understatment.
Brought the 2 puppies back in and let the 2 big dogs out to romp. Back they go and then out come the 2 dachshunds... eventually after everyone had been out once I let the puppies back out as well as Lola and Ernie. So we had 5 dogs to watch and I watched all 5 of the little agnels. It was fine - they played and played and played.
D arrived home the next morning and between my cooking breakfast for everyone and feeding all the dogs we got everything accomplished. However - we had to come up with something for his parents to do while we slept - because I tend to stay on the night schedule while D works - it makes it easier for both of us - he doesn't get interrupted sleep. So we sent them to a car museum and had them leave Jodi with us. Jodi - the poor puppy thought she'd been abandoned by my fil. The poor thing whimpered, cried, etc for about 3 hours. Finally she went to sleep with Blue. I say finally because in all honesty we were able to get maybe 2-3 hours sleep total. She is completely attached to my fil - which is a good thing. It's what weim's do. It's what she's supposed to do. She remembered us, but she didn't want us.
So dinner was eventually made and D and I asked his mom some questions about her diabetes. It didn't go all that well. She doesn't check her blood sugar. Her hemoglobin A1C is elevated which leads one to conclude that her blood sugars are not well controlled. My husband loves his mom... and I love her- she's a good mom even if she is wishy washy... she loves D and that counts for a lot. D knows what these things mean - that his mom is playing russian roullette with her life. He talked with my mom about it as my mom was going to get my mil another glucometer. His words - "you can get her 50 glucometers and it's not going to change that she just doesn't think it will happen to her." She doesn't believe all the bad things that can happen will happen. I can talk until I'm blue in the face - and I do. I badger, and nag and make sure that all the stuff I bring to family functions is low or no sugar added. I do this because it's important not just to me, but to D, and to her future grandchildren. Want to know what she brought? A cake with chocolate frosting for D's bday, a box of donut holes, and chips. FIL told us that she ate a large ice cream cone during the day at the museum. I know it's only a matter of time before something bad does happen... it's just a matter of time.
I don't know what to say to even begin to make her understand just how much this bothers her only child - D. He worries about her. He worries because he knows bad things can and do happen and while you may not be able to prevent them - you don't have to court them.
All in all everything went fine - my fil kept asking me if i was eating enough for two. I finally grabbed a baby book and handed it to him and said - see no where in there does it say that you're supposed to eat as if you're two adults. Your grandchild is fine. We spent way too many months for me to starve it to death. I know I'm such a loving daughter in law right?
Friday I had set up a dinner with some friends from another bulletin board and told D that I was not changing it just because his parents were coming to visit. We set this date up in April and his parents announced the weekend before they came that they were coming. Both could be done, it's just that his parents would be left with 6 dogs and their puppy for a brief period of time before I got home.
Friday while at dinner - I received a phone call from D. D wanted to know whether I was on my way home yet. I responded "No." He was slightly agitated... apparently his parents were there and that he just was worried about leaving the dogs with his parents. Mind you - he leaves the dogs with my mom without looking back. So I told him I would be home shortly. Finished dinner and then called him. Apparently he was worried that his parents just wouldn't be able to handle the dogs, puppies, etc. They had Jodi with them and while Jodi is very well behaved the addition of the other two puppies to the mix leads to puppy chaos.
Quite comical puppy chaos. I arrived home shortly after we talked, reassurred D that none of his precious pups had been let out unsupervised and that all were accounted for. I have to laugh at this because I think it gives you a glimpse as to why we have said we're not planning on having them baby sit? I came home, let the 2 pups out. Outside they went and were well behaved little hoodlums running, playing, attacking one another - poor Blue is the low man on the totem pole - he's a pushover. He's all of 44 lbs and just is kind of the one who everyone dominates. Pepper weighs in at about 38 lbs and Jodi is about the same. So he's got 6 lbs on them and he's still the one you find on the ground most days. He's a mellow fellow. The 2 girls on the other hand - wow watch them run. Speed demons is an understatment.
Brought the 2 puppies back in and let the 2 big dogs out to romp. Back they go and then out come the 2 dachshunds... eventually after everyone had been out once I let the puppies back out as well as Lola and Ernie. So we had 5 dogs to watch and I watched all 5 of the little agnels. It was fine - they played and played and played.
D arrived home the next morning and between my cooking breakfast for everyone and feeding all the dogs we got everything accomplished. However - we had to come up with something for his parents to do while we slept - because I tend to stay on the night schedule while D works - it makes it easier for both of us - he doesn't get interrupted sleep. So we sent them to a car museum and had them leave Jodi with us. Jodi - the poor puppy thought she'd been abandoned by my fil. The poor thing whimpered, cried, etc for about 3 hours. Finally she went to sleep with Blue. I say finally because in all honesty we were able to get maybe 2-3 hours sleep total. She is completely attached to my fil - which is a good thing. It's what weim's do. It's what she's supposed to do. She remembered us, but she didn't want us.
So dinner was eventually made and D and I asked his mom some questions about her diabetes. It didn't go all that well. She doesn't check her blood sugar. Her hemoglobin A1C is elevated which leads one to conclude that her blood sugars are not well controlled. My husband loves his mom... and I love her- she's a good mom even if she is wishy washy... she loves D and that counts for a lot. D knows what these things mean - that his mom is playing russian roullette with her life. He talked with my mom about it as my mom was going to get my mil another glucometer. His words - "you can get her 50 glucometers and it's not going to change that she just doesn't think it will happen to her." She doesn't believe all the bad things that can happen will happen. I can talk until I'm blue in the face - and I do. I badger, and nag and make sure that all the stuff I bring to family functions is low or no sugar added. I do this because it's important not just to me, but to D, and to her future grandchildren. Want to know what she brought? A cake with chocolate frosting for D's bday, a box of donut holes, and chips. FIL told us that she ate a large ice cream cone during the day at the museum. I know it's only a matter of time before something bad does happen... it's just a matter of time.
I don't know what to say to even begin to make her understand just how much this bothers her only child - D. He worries about her. He worries because he knows bad things can and do happen and while you may not be able to prevent them - you don't have to court them.
All in all everything went fine - my fil kept asking me if i was eating enough for two. I finally grabbed a baby book and handed it to him and said - see no where in there does it say that you're supposed to eat as if you're two adults. Your grandchild is fine. We spent way too many months for me to starve it to death. I know I'm such a loving daughter in law right?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Heart...
First this is a bit late, but say a prayer for Gabe and his family... 
I just found them through another blog, but it's odd timing. I say odd because in the past few days I've taken care of a couple of kids with heart defects. Heart defects are something I have a personal story with... my sister's first child Erin was born still at 26 weeks and later was found to have heart defects and would have needed open heart surgery within 24 hours of birth if she had been born alive. So caring for kids that have these issues is a privilege for me. If Erin would have been born alive she'd be 17. It's also hard for me because I do worry about whether or not the Not Negative has a heart defect... which is one reason why I'm not pushing the doctor to do the u/s earlier than he wants -because his words of - "we'll be able to see the heart structures more easily" stuck with me.
I also was in the NICU and wow... those are some tiny babies... it made me think a lot about what if's. I know a few NICU grads so to speak... V is one and she's a glowing example of a great outcome... however I've also cared for some NICU grads and there prognosis and outcomes were not as great. Granted - I work in a pediatric intensive care - most of what I see doesn't have great outcomes... but it definitely makes you think and it definitely makes you thankful for what you do know and have. D is always horrified after I come home from work - if he asks how things went and then learns of what I took care of through the night he generally gets all glassy eyed and wants a beer. (Don't worry he did this when I worked in the adult intensive care as well) so I unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it see some of the worst things that can happen and sometimes those worst things work out and end positively... and sometimes they don't.
It also reminds me I need to finalize my advanced directive... still haven't filled out all the forms. I think we'll be doing that at my next doctor's appointment. It's precautionary. I don't want anyone... to try and usurp D's rights to make decisions for me if I'm not able... and D feels the same way. Yes - I'm a paranoid sort - but that's part of may allure :D I'm a planner - though you would not know that sometimes...
In other news- In law visit this weekend... house is a wreck. Fun times I tell ya. I have no food in the house so this should be interesting. Our favorite restaraunt has smoke damage and may not be an option for food come Saturday night so I'm trying to come up with something... D grilled last week on cedar planks and that was good, but I just don't know. D will have to work Friday night when his folks show up so I get to spend an evening alone with my in laws rather than curled up in my bed with my dogs. Yes - I'm whining. Yes - I'm fine with that. So any ideas for how to spend an evening with the in laws? Think I can get them soused and send them to bed???? I'm just not looking forward to question and answer time... D will leave the house at 8:30 so they generally don't go to bed until after 10 or 11 pm... so that's 2.5 hours of me and them alone... fun times I tell ya. Here's hoping it's not as bad as I fear it will be.
I just found them through another blog, but it's odd timing. I say odd because in the past few days I've taken care of a couple of kids with heart defects. Heart defects are something I have a personal story with... my sister's first child Erin was born still at 26 weeks and later was found to have heart defects and would have needed open heart surgery within 24 hours of birth if she had been born alive. So caring for kids that have these issues is a privilege for me. If Erin would have been born alive she'd be 17. It's also hard for me because I do worry about whether or not the Not Negative has a heart defect... which is one reason why I'm not pushing the doctor to do the u/s earlier than he wants -because his words of - "we'll be able to see the heart structures more easily" stuck with me.
I also was in the NICU and wow... those are some tiny babies... it made me think a lot about what if's. I know a few NICU grads so to speak... V is one and she's a glowing example of a great outcome... however I've also cared for some NICU grads and there prognosis and outcomes were not as great. Granted - I work in a pediatric intensive care - most of what I see doesn't have great outcomes... but it definitely makes you think and it definitely makes you thankful for what you do know and have. D is always horrified after I come home from work - if he asks how things went and then learns of what I took care of through the night he generally gets all glassy eyed and wants a beer. (Don't worry he did this when I worked in the adult intensive care as well) so I unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it see some of the worst things that can happen and sometimes those worst things work out and end positively... and sometimes they don't.
It also reminds me I need to finalize my advanced directive... still haven't filled out all the forms. I think we'll be doing that at my next doctor's appointment. It's precautionary. I don't want anyone... to try and usurp D's rights to make decisions for me if I'm not able... and D feels the same way. Yes - I'm a paranoid sort - but that's part of may allure :D I'm a planner - though you would not know that sometimes...
In other news- In law visit this weekend... house is a wreck. Fun times I tell ya. I have no food in the house so this should be interesting. Our favorite restaraunt has smoke damage and may not be an option for food come Saturday night so I'm trying to come up with something... D grilled last week on cedar planks and that was good, but I just don't know. D will have to work Friday night when his folks show up so I get to spend an evening alone with my in laws rather than curled up in my bed with my dogs. Yes - I'm whining. Yes - I'm fine with that. So any ideas for how to spend an evening with the in laws? Think I can get them soused and send them to bed???? I'm just not looking forward to question and answer time... D will leave the house at 8:30 so they generally don't go to bed until after 10 or 11 pm... so that's 2.5 hours of me and them alone... fun times I tell ya. Here's hoping it's not as bad as I fear it will be.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Treading Water
The Dramalish's submission. Yes - I'm a sap. I'm fine with her statement that the film is cheezy, but truthfully I thought it explained better than I can even put into words how I feel. I may even direct my mil to see this film. I'll tell her to not speed ahead to the happy ending, but actually listen and read what she is saying, because that's where we are...
I think even the most empathetic and sympathetic people still cannot fathom infertility if they have not experienced it. I'm fine with trying to explain my feelings, but please quit looking at me as if I have 2 heads and thinking that I am filled with nothing but doom and gloom and seriously quit asking me if we're going to have another child after this one - because we haven't even gotten to this one yet. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
At work most people know that the Not Negative has hitched a ride... and that leads to questions. Questions I'm not really all that comfortable with... talk to me in September or October when I have a live baby in my hands is what I want to say. Yet - I can't. That's not polite and well - truthfully most of these individuals mean well. Instead I try to explain why I am the way I am... why I am reserved about this whole deal.
Even D doesn't totally get it. Infertility affected him, but it was different. (not that my feelings about it are all that sane, but they're different than his and yes he does have some scars from all of what we went through) it's just that he has settled into the comfort zone while I am still feeling like I got left out in the middle of the ocean with me and my trusty life jacket. My head is above water, but occasionally I get dunked and feel like I'm drowning. Mind you these feelings generally have absolutely nothing to do with the chaos at our house and everything to do with will this work out and if it doesn't what hole can I crawl into and what alcoholic beverages will I take with me.
So for now... I'm still here. I haven't inhaled too much water.
The puppies will be posting soon - more pictures next week of the little hoodlums - maybe even all 6... My in laws will be coming next week... I don't even know what to say about that other than I wish my mom was coming to help get things ready... it's easier when she's here and can be a buffer.
Thanks for listening to my rant, ramble, etc... I'm going with this is just hormones... right?
I think even the most empathetic and sympathetic people still cannot fathom infertility if they have not experienced it. I'm fine with trying to explain my feelings, but please quit looking at me as if I have 2 heads and thinking that I am filled with nothing but doom and gloom and seriously quit asking me if we're going to have another child after this one - because we haven't even gotten to this one yet. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
At work most people know that the Not Negative has hitched a ride... and that leads to questions. Questions I'm not really all that comfortable with... talk to me in September or October when I have a live baby in my hands is what I want to say. Yet - I can't. That's not polite and well - truthfully most of these individuals mean well. Instead I try to explain why I am the way I am... why I am reserved about this whole deal.
Even D doesn't totally get it. Infertility affected him, but it was different. (not that my feelings about it are all that sane, but they're different than his and yes he does have some scars from all of what we went through) it's just that he has settled into the comfort zone while I am still feeling like I got left out in the middle of the ocean with me and my trusty life jacket. My head is above water, but occasionally I get dunked and feel like I'm drowning. Mind you these feelings generally have absolutely nothing to do with the chaos at our house and everything to do with will this work out and if it doesn't what hole can I crawl into and what alcoholic beverages will I take with me.
So for now... I'm still here. I haven't inhaled too much water.
The puppies will be posting soon - more pictures next week of the little hoodlums - maybe even all 6... My in laws will be coming next week... I don't even know what to say about that other than I wish my mom was coming to help get things ready... it's easier when she's here and can be a buffer.
Thanks for listening to my rant, ramble, etc... I'm going with this is just hormones... right?
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Photos to make you smile!
First you might have noticed that I changed some labels... I apparently can't count. What I thought was number 11 on the pregnancy scale is actually number 12. So I changed the label and then thought to myself god I'm an idiot. However in my defense once you've hit double digits it tends to be a little difficult to keep track of things or at least keep things straight. That and 11 sounded a bit better than 12, however I then thought better of it and decided no this is number 12 and we'll be okay with number 12. Besides it's a nice round number.
I know I've been remiss in putting up pictures lately. Partly due to lack of time and dial up is so slow. However I am too cheap to spend the money on whatever the faster service is out in the boonies that I live in.
So... without further ado I give you Ernie - please ignore the mess on the floor. This is Ernie in his bed. He pulled the green blanket down to be in his bed and then proceeded to fluff it up so that it was his pillow. Yes - he's a princess. Which if I get the opportunity I will show you just how much of a princess he is as he sleeps in Lola's "pink princess bed" yes the bed actually has a crown on the center of the pillow and it says princess. Ernie doesn't care he's all about comfort and even though he doesn't fit in it he loves the thing. Dino this was for you ;)
The next photo is of the infamous shower cleaners. One of the things with having 6 dogs and having an Ernie well you run out of water in the water dish quite frequently. Chance decided long ago that he preferred fresh water rather than water from a bowl so everyone eventually learned that the shower was the preferred drinking area. It also means that we don't have to deal with Ernie and the puppies slopping and dripping water all over the place. They don't clean the shower, but for some odd reason every single one of them would rather drink water out of the shower than out of a bowl. So the water is always cold and they get their fill whenever we go into the bathroom. This picture is of the 3 hoodlums - Ernie, Pepper and Blue are drinking... a more comical picture will occur soon - of the puppies and Lola drinking - getting those 3 on camera is a big effort. Actually getting a picture of the puppies not in motion is quite teh challenge.
So enjoy my babies... I'll post some of the other yahoos soon I promise.
I know I've been remiss in putting up pictures lately. Partly due to lack of time and dial up is so slow. However I am too cheap to spend the money on whatever the faster service is out in the boonies that I live in.
So... without further ado I give you Ernie - please ignore the mess on the floor. This is Ernie in his bed. He pulled the green blanket down to be in his bed and then proceeded to fluff it up so that it was his pillow. Yes - he's a princess. Which if I get the opportunity I will show you just how much of a princess he is as he sleeps in Lola's "pink princess bed" yes the bed actually has a crown on the center of the pillow and it says princess. Ernie doesn't care he's all about comfort and even though he doesn't fit in it he loves the thing. Dino this was for you ;)
The next photo is of the infamous shower cleaners. One of the things with having 6 dogs and having an Ernie well you run out of water in the water dish quite frequently. Chance decided long ago that he preferred fresh water rather than water from a bowl so everyone eventually learned that the shower was the preferred drinking area. It also means that we don't have to deal with Ernie and the puppies slopping and dripping water all over the place. They don't clean the shower, but for some odd reason every single one of them would rather drink water out of the shower than out of a bowl. So the water is always cold and they get their fill whenever we go into the bathroom. This picture is of the 3 hoodlums - Ernie, Pepper and Blue are drinking... a more comical picture will occur soon - of the puppies and Lola drinking - getting those 3 on camera is a big effort. Actually getting a picture of the puppies not in motion is quite teh challenge.
So enjoy my babies... I'll post some of the other yahoos soon I promise.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Puppy Play Dates
I'm going to start with stuff about the puppies... and end with stuff about the Not Negative... so you've been warned.
This afternoon we had a playdate... it was fun. Granted 2 puppies in a car that haven't really been exposed to their seatbelts was a bit chaotic. D wasn't listening to me when I said - give them a short leash and gave the puppies way too much room to roam. It was a puppy free for all in my back seat. Needless to say we did make it to our destination in one piece. The 3 pups were reunited and they had a blast. Granted a lot of poop occurred, but what's a puppy without some poop.
I had a great time with Bert's new owner and learned some things like she's a fellow infertile... she understands this. All of you would love her as she's just a great lady as is her husband. Sometimes you meet people and bond in the strangest ways... dogs and infertility - it's quite a heady cocktail. Ultimately I know we'll be getting together again with Bert and his owners... both big and tall owners and letting them run on our property will be quite the adventure.
Now on to the not negative news - I added a link in the "about me" title - it's to the not negative's website. I had to do a website for my in laws. No belly shots will be posted - it's just not my cup of tea - I look at others and think that's great - but it's just not something I can do. I have enough body issues that putting a picture of my stomach anywhere on the internet is just not going to happen. However I will show you pictures of u/s photos if you are up to it - if you do visit - feel free to sign the guestbook and let me know you're there. Most of the posts are addressed more towards my in laws as this was a way for them to be included in the Not Negative's journey.
Blogging after going through infertility is kind of like a land mine. So for me - most of what I write has very little to do with pregnancy and everything to do with my life in general. It's for me... and this is the way I think. I open mouth and insert foot fairly frequently... so now on with the Not Negative news...
Today we had to get up at an awful time in the daylight and head to the stupid doctor's office. Yes - I know I should just be greatful that I have to go to an OB appt, but as D said - can't we just let him listen over the phone? See - doppler checks are great, but I do them at home on a fairly regular basis. If I could just learn to measure fundal height (I've never been all that adept at finding a fundus so why should I be able to do that with my own?) well we'd be all set. I spent approximately 10 minutes with the doctor - and truthfully that's probably pushing it. I haven't gained any weight from the last appt - can we all say thank goodness... blood pressure was fine and the doctor and his nurse and the lab lady all apologized for the accidental disposal of my other specimen tube... we sent 2 tubes this time just in case something happens in transit. I tried to play stump the doctor - however failed miserably. All I could come up with was a question about whether or not we couldn't just go ahead and do the 3 hour GD test rather than the 1 hour... he felt we should do the screening test and the reason why the 1 hour could not continue into 3 was due to the amount of glucose you have to ingest. Such a pain. Not that I plan on failing, but just in case - I'm all about not wasting my time and having to go back to take yet another test if you fail the first one is to me a waste of my precious sleeping time. If the likelihood is that I'll have to do a 3 hour test then lets just cut out the 1 hour test. It apparently doesn't work that way. Oh and he also truly likes to wait to do the "big" u/s... I won't be having that one until my next appt in 4 weeks...
I need to remind myself why I love my doc... oh yeah - he's a great doctor. Still hasn't a clue how to deal with D or myself, but hell you can't have everything in a health professional right?
This afternoon we had a playdate... it was fun. Granted 2 puppies in a car that haven't really been exposed to their seatbelts was a bit chaotic. D wasn't listening to me when I said - give them a short leash and gave the puppies way too much room to roam. It was a puppy free for all in my back seat. Needless to say we did make it to our destination in one piece. The 3 pups were reunited and they had a blast. Granted a lot of poop occurred, but what's a puppy without some poop.
I had a great time with Bert's new owner and learned some things like she's a fellow infertile... she understands this. All of you would love her as she's just a great lady as is her husband. Sometimes you meet people and bond in the strangest ways... dogs and infertility - it's quite a heady cocktail. Ultimately I know we'll be getting together again with Bert and his owners... both big and tall owners and letting them run on our property will be quite the adventure.
Now on to the not negative news - I added a link in the "about me" title - it's to the not negative's website. I had to do a website for my in laws. No belly shots will be posted - it's just not my cup of tea - I look at others and think that's great - but it's just not something I can do. I have enough body issues that putting a picture of my stomach anywhere on the internet is just not going to happen. However I will show you pictures of u/s photos if you are up to it - if you do visit - feel free to sign the guestbook and let me know you're there. Most of the posts are addressed more towards my in laws as this was a way for them to be included in the Not Negative's journey.
Blogging after going through infertility is kind of like a land mine. So for me - most of what I write has very little to do with pregnancy and everything to do with my life in general. It's for me... and this is the way I think. I open mouth and insert foot fairly frequently... so now on with the Not Negative news...
Today we had to get up at an awful time in the daylight and head to the stupid doctor's office. Yes - I know I should just be greatful that I have to go to an OB appt, but as D said - can't we just let him listen over the phone? See - doppler checks are great, but I do them at home on a fairly regular basis. If I could just learn to measure fundal height (I've never been all that adept at finding a fundus so why should I be able to do that with my own?) well we'd be all set. I spent approximately 10 minutes with the doctor - and truthfully that's probably pushing it. I haven't gained any weight from the last appt - can we all say thank goodness... blood pressure was fine and the doctor and his nurse and the lab lady all apologized for the accidental disposal of my other specimen tube... we sent 2 tubes this time just in case something happens in transit. I tried to play stump the doctor - however failed miserably. All I could come up with was a question about whether or not we couldn't just go ahead and do the 3 hour GD test rather than the 1 hour... he felt we should do the screening test and the reason why the 1 hour could not continue into 3 was due to the amount of glucose you have to ingest. Such a pain. Not that I plan on failing, but just in case - I'm all about not wasting my time and having to go back to take yet another test if you fail the first one is to me a waste of my precious sleeping time. If the likelihood is that I'll have to do a 3 hour test then lets just cut out the 1 hour test. It apparently doesn't work that way. Oh and he also truly likes to wait to do the "big" u/s... I won't be having that one until my next appt in 4 weeks...
I need to remind myself why I love my doc... oh yeah - he's a great doctor. Still hasn't a clue how to deal with D or myself, but hell you can't have everything in a health professional right?
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Being your own personal vampire...
We all know I'm a freak right?
Well... yes - I occasionally draw my own blood.
I haven't freaked everyone out too much have I? The reasons are legitimate - privacy privacy privacy... and speed. It started out of my own desire to keep my reasons for needing blood drawn to myself and not keeping my coworkers in the proverbial loop. How did I learn to do this? Well when I was going through my paramedic training I learned if needed I could start my own IV... I did it on a dare - it was a challenge so to speak- No alcohol was not a factor. I also learned it's a lot less painful for me to do it than to have someone else do it. So drawing blood is a proverbial piece of cake for me to do on my own. Sometimes it's messy, but after going through this process for 2 years well you learn how to keep the mess to a minimum.
My coworkers think this is odd behavior on my part (I prefer unique) and it's also a party gag kind of thing - once they learned of this as I had come out of the proverbial closet once I moved up to PICU. I never felt comfortable asking others to draw me while I was at work, but I had a number of reasons for drawing the blood while I was at work - it saved time. A lot of time- registration at a big hospital, waiting for your name to be called, finally someone actually drawing your blood after working 12 hours I wouldn't have gotten out of the hospital before 9:30 on a bad day - I'd be asleep at the wheel if I was doing that the number of mornings I needed blood drawn during a cycle. Just think of all the betas I've had done over the last 2 years and well you get the idea. So since I didn't want to ask a coworker to draw me - they'd want to know what they were drawing - who wants to answer the question - and the beta was to your coworkers on a monthly basis... that meant I drew myself. I also then get to pick the gauge of the needle and lets just say my choice is generally smaller than the phleb's choice. I'm not a pansy in regards to blood draws, but in all honesty I draw everyone with a butterfly needle - I've found it's nicer. So why not do that with my self rather than using the harpoons some phleb's use.
Also - it's easy for me to do. I learned as a challenge and now it's one of those things when everyone else has a hard time drawing me - I know right where to go and jack pot it's over and done with a hell of a lot quicker and with one poke rather than 2-3. I'm not into being a pin cushion. That and the phleb at the OB's office takes freaking forever. To the point that I just go over to the main hospital if and when I need anything drawn if I'm not able to draw it myself. Which was our main reason for not having the phleb draw it. She takes FOREVER - no matter how many people are there you're standing there a good 15 minutes if it's just you. I don't have that kind of patience and D sure as hell doesn't either. Especially when he knows I can draw myself. So I drew myself on Thursday and D assisted- it was his first time helping with that - though he does say - wow can you teach me how to do that now... Since I have taught people how to start IV's and draw blood - yes I could... however I really don't like being the proverbial pin cushion so likelihood is slim.
Now that's probably the most interesting part of this post - D the guy who had a hard time doing a subcutaneous injection... became the fabulous IM injector... now he wants to learn blood draws. I've created a monster. D looks at my skills as life saving - since he's watched people start IV's on me and draw my blood and then has seen me do it myself - he's of the opinion to take out the middle man - hand her the needle and let her do her own thing. Sometimes I agree- other times I'm fine with being a "teaching" case.
Well... yes - I occasionally draw my own blood.
I haven't freaked everyone out too much have I? The reasons are legitimate - privacy privacy privacy... and speed. It started out of my own desire to keep my reasons for needing blood drawn to myself and not keeping my coworkers in the proverbial loop. How did I learn to do this? Well when I was going through my paramedic training I learned if needed I could start my own IV... I did it on a dare - it was a challenge so to speak- No alcohol was not a factor. I also learned it's a lot less painful for me to do it than to have someone else do it. So drawing blood is a proverbial piece of cake for me to do on my own. Sometimes it's messy, but after going through this process for 2 years well you learn how to keep the mess to a minimum.
My coworkers think this is odd behavior on my part (I prefer unique) and it's also a party gag kind of thing - once they learned of this as I had come out of the proverbial closet once I moved up to PICU. I never felt comfortable asking others to draw me while I was at work, but I had a number of reasons for drawing the blood while I was at work - it saved time. A lot of time- registration at a big hospital, waiting for your name to be called, finally someone actually drawing your blood after working 12 hours I wouldn't have gotten out of the hospital before 9:30 on a bad day - I'd be asleep at the wheel if I was doing that the number of mornings I needed blood drawn during a cycle. Just think of all the betas I've had done over the last 2 years and well you get the idea. So since I didn't want to ask a coworker to draw me - they'd want to know what they were drawing - who wants to answer the question - and the beta was to your coworkers on a monthly basis... that meant I drew myself. I also then get to pick the gauge of the needle and lets just say my choice is generally smaller than the phleb's choice. I'm not a pansy in regards to blood draws, but in all honesty I draw everyone with a butterfly needle - I've found it's nicer. So why not do that with my self rather than using the harpoons some phleb's use.
Also - it's easy for me to do. I learned as a challenge and now it's one of those things when everyone else has a hard time drawing me - I know right where to go and jack pot it's over and done with a hell of a lot quicker and with one poke rather than 2-3. I'm not into being a pin cushion. That and the phleb at the OB's office takes freaking forever. To the point that I just go over to the main hospital if and when I need anything drawn if I'm not able to draw it myself. Which was our main reason for not having the phleb draw it. She takes FOREVER - no matter how many people are there you're standing there a good 15 minutes if it's just you. I don't have that kind of patience and D sure as hell doesn't either. Especially when he knows I can draw myself. So I drew myself on Thursday and D assisted- it was his first time helping with that - though he does say - wow can you teach me how to do that now... Since I have taught people how to start IV's and draw blood - yes I could... however I really don't like being the proverbial pin cushion so likelihood is slim.
Now that's probably the most interesting part of this post - D the guy who had a hard time doing a subcutaneous injection... became the fabulous IM injector... now he wants to learn blood draws. I've created a monster. D looks at my skills as life saving - since he's watched people start IV's on me and draw my blood and then has seen me do it myself - he's of the opinion to take out the middle man - hand her the needle and let her do her own thing. Sometimes I agree- other times I'm fine with being a "teaching" case.
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