Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Day Before My Birthday...

It is just after midnight and I'm looking back on June 15th and what it means to me... Since 2005 this has not been a day I think of fondly... This is the day that started it all. This is the day that left me reeling, trying to find my footing and trying to make sense of what seemed impossible. This is the day that brought me to my knees not once, but twice.

But this is also the day that started my search - granted the first search was for "ectopic pregnancy" and "methotrexate side effects" and all of that, but it lead me to blogs and eventually on July 7th, 2005 this blog became what it is. That was when we only had 3 dogs -rather than 6. Ahh the 3 dog household what a difference 3 more makes..

This blog became what it is because of June 15, 2005. One day before my 27th birthday... this was before we had multiple miscarriages, before we had been to an RE, before we had even thought it would take 2.5 years and 12 pregnancies to have our son... this was the day I thought I was going to just have a simple d/c and instead found out we had an ectopic pregnancy. This is the day that repeated in 2006 and found us with yet more awful news... and it found us last year huddled under the covers not doing anything - no doctor's appointments, just us at home with a doppler listening to Squeaker who was then the Not Negative... We did not reclaim this day last year, but this year damnit it is going to be reclaimed.

I am done looking at the calendar and seeing June 15th and feeling dread. Yes, this day is something I will always remember my losses on, but it doesn't hold the power that it once did. I need to reclaim it so that I can reclaim my birthday. Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday rather than dread it and this year more than most I think I deserve that. So - since it is Father's day today and my husband is now a father we're going to celebrate the day at least the afternoon as D has to work tonight. Squeaker and I are not going to huddle in our beds with the cover over our head... we're going to go out and we're going to enjoy ourselves. I may take a few moments like now to remember those losses and to be sad, but I won't barricade myself away from the world and I won't dread my birthday. This year the wounds are healed- still scarred, but no longer fresh and gaping... and we have Squeaker to thank for that. He's healed those wounds without even trying.

I'm reclaiming June 15th... I'm going to celebrate my husband's first Father's Day as a father and I'm going to hug Squeaker like he'll always be small... and I'm going to remember those pregnancies that did not come to be... but I'm not going to hide anymore on the 15th of June... it's time to reclaim it as the day before my birthday rather than as something awful and horrible. Because I am strong... and I have already walked through the fire and while I was burned and bloodied, I came out the other side and there's this little person who needs me to be strong.


DinosaurD said...

Happy, happy, happy Birthday Sami (I'm so glad that I didn't miss it).

Does your dog really need you to be strong? Or did you mean squeaker? Silly me, your dogs just seem so human sometimes.

I hope D enjoyed his first real father's day (where he could kiss and cuddle someone other than you).

And I would debate how strong Squeak needs you to be - he needs you to be human and to love him and it seems like you are doing extremely well meeting the requirements, no?

My miscarriages still haunt me and I still feel like I'm missing some children who should be here running around and getting under foot. I'm still sad about it and I didn't think that would still be the case (but I'm still enormously grateful for what I have as well).

DinoD (Happy Birthday again).

DinosaurD said...

Ah... reading the comment I just made I am suddenly struck by the need to find a synonym for "still"
Still DinoD

Rachel said...

Happy Birthday, Happy Father's Day!

I am glad you are able to reclaim the day.