Sunday, December 31, 2006

Year in Review

A year in review... I had hopes of putting together a really good post, however puppies have been requiring lots of cuddling... I had my first New Year's Eve date with D and we had a lovely time out and about... we are currently waiting to ring in the new year with the 10 mongrels. So this was hastily put together, but the gist is there... this year has sucked on a lot of levels and been kind in a few. My hope is that the coming year will be kindler, and maybe even a bit gentler. I think the theme of our year was - pregnant, but not so fast as that's a shitty beta.

January 2006 - finds us pregnant... oops not so fast - spotting starts and well things go down hill from there... at least we have an appt with the RE to look forward to... Phone call from RE's NP who says "congratulations!" My response of what's the number kind of throws her and then when I say son-of-a-bitch when she tells me the number sets her back a bit... Then she reads my files... whoops - anxiety level is raised as the words ectopic are mentioned... fear of a battery acid shot to the ass is fortunately did not have to occur.

February 2006 - finds us having an HSG - all clear, starting injectables - fun times... D stabs himself while attempting to take a cap off a needle...

March 2006 - finds us with another chemical pregnancy to deal with and another round of injectables... One year anniversary of trying to conceive... as well as 2 year anniversary of my dad's death.

April 2006 - finds us being told not pregnant beta of 5, then after no period and no progesterone positive digital test... beta of 25 and my progesterone dependent ass starts bleeding... another chemical pregnancy and told to have a "rest" cycle - done under bitter duress

May 2006 - "Rest" my ass - yeah that didn't happen... Oh my doubling betas from that rest cycle and well only minimal spotting lets see where this goes...

June 2006 - First u/s doesn't show a heartbeat come back a week later on the anniversary of our d & c/ectopic and of course 1 day before my birthday - still no heartbeat... D & C number 2 performed a week later... D gets a job near our home and so he'll be living with me full time and no more commuting back and forth to the other side of the state and I get a position up in the PICU - So 2 out of 3 not bad. D takes care of me and posts on my blog to update everyone.

July 2006 - D starts his new job and we start yet another round of injectables... find out the new insurance doesn't cover the meds and D takes a pay cut for the new job and well that blows.

August 2006 - Chemical pregnancy and another round of injectables add progesterone in oil to the mix... D becomes a pro at injections. I love my job... D loves his job...

September 2006 - Another chemical pregnancy another round of injectables - 2 year anniversary of our marriage... D finds out he's supposed to be paid a different wage than what he was being paid and is back paid the wages... woohoo... insurance no longer going to be accepted at RE's office.

October 2006 - D starts working days and timed intercourse goes out the window... Another round of injectables starts add estrace to the mix of gonal-f and PIO... fun times. Adopt a dog named Megan and we become those crazy dog people with 4 dogs and 2 humans in one house...

November 2006 - Injectables/iui - have a heck of a time finding my cervix - Will have a road map for the nurses to follow if we ever do another IUI as that seriously sucked! Find out Meg is pregnant and about to have a coronary - think oh we've got 2 weeks to plan - NOPE Puppies are born and life becomes even more chaotic.

December 2006 - chemical pregnancy... decide to just try on our own with progesterone after ovulation... Chance gets bit - and we spend the worst Christmas of our lives taking care of puppies, a sick puppy and wanting to throw myself under a train with the family visits and drive by pregnancies. Maybe 2007 will be better... I'm not sure that it could be worse.

So lets see we've had 7 injectable cycles, 7 pregnancies, 1 hsg, multiple wandings, multiple blood draws, 1 d/c, 1 IUI, 7 puppies born, 1 puppy dies, 1 geriatric puppy gets bit and spends a holiday weekend making us fret, 4 migraines had just in the month of December...

Ultimately I have my husband, I have all of my dogs (even welfare mom Meg and her 6 puppies) the geriatric dachshund is starting to feel better, D is back on nights for a little while, I still enjoy my job in spite of wishing that all my coworkers were in menopause rather than their "prime" fertility years, and I'm still standing. Whatever the year has thrown at us - we've managed to stay standing and have kept putting one foot in front of the other no matter what the obstacles... May the new year bring less sorrow, less anxiety, and more joy for us as well as for each and every one of you...

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Another Chance Update

Chance is home... he is closed. He spent Friday night at the vet after surgery due to some GI distress. He's much improved and actually was quite pissed that I left him there on Friday - pitched a fit when I left. He's going to be on some canned dog food for a little while and his sutures will be in for two weeks, but we're on the road to recovery.

I will post pictures at a later date. I have to work tonight and have spent the past week working one on one off one on one off and it's pretty much caused a migraine every night that I have worked. We're hoping that I won't get one tonight... I'm praying I don't. The puppies have had to be moved to a bigger cage/play yard as they were tryiing to climb out of the box... so now when I look over I see puppies EVERYWHERE... which is not a big deal except when one decides to whine for a while.

We have 3 spoken for and possibly a 4th... so hopefully we'll have homes for the other two soon. Life is as always interesting...

I will post my year in review tomorrow...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I'm glad it's over...

To be honest Christmas is generally my favorite holiday of the year. As Christians D and I both think the birth of Jesus is something to be celebrated and view Christmas as more than just a day for presents.

This year we were both besieged with worry for Chance and enough stress with dealing with family and puppies and a sick puppy dog that all we wanted was it to be over.

Monday found us changing Chance's dressing and what we found horrified us both... it smelled foul and things did not look good. Add in that Chance had refused food - something he never does and was taking pedialyte by syringe we knew we had to talk to the vet. We did and we came up with a game plan - Chance was able to pee for us and would continue to take the pedialyte for us and his temp was not up so we would take him in in the morning and he would have another wash out of his wounds... Irrigation and debridement is the technical term for what was to happen.

Monday I came home from work (with yet another migraine as sleep was minimal on Monday during the day) and Chance had had a rough night - he had growled at D when he tried to put the E collar back on - eventually E was able to do that and he just was feeling like poop. He had a meltdown when we went to put him in the box to go to the vet. His dressing was again foul and I was just praying that he did not have a puncture in his bowels (perforated bowel) as I just didn't like the way he was acting.

Off to the vet we went and D requested that my mom call our old family doc and see if he would call something in to help me sleep as I hadn't been sleeping for about 3 nights (he did - bless him!) Once we got to the vet we took the old dressing off and were just horrified at his poor wounds... they had gotten worse and he had a few puss pockets that he hadn't had before. He definitely needed to have the I & D done and IV antibiotics as well as some IV fluids.

We left him in their hands and told him we'd be back that afternoon to see him. When we came back my puppy dog looked so pitiful - you could tell he was a bit better, but still felt like something the cat had hacked up and wouldn't even lick my hand. We talked with the vet - who told us he was still open and had wet to dry dressings in place. She was planning on keeping him comfortable throughout the night and hydrated and just keeping him quiet and seeing what things looked like in the morning. She felt he had not perfed his bowel and that the IV antibiotics would get things under control.

I received a phone call from her at about 9 pm telling me that he had eaten and drank some as well as gone to the bathroom - all encouraging things.

We went today at about 4 pm to visit... and were given the option of leaving him there and having her change the dressing (it was her day off and she had been on call since the 22nd - each night she had had to come in and she had taken care of Chance on the 22nd - 26th. We felt she deserved to have a break and assisted with the dressing change to make sure we were okay with doing it and we were. He'll have wet to dry dressings done twice a day until his belly wound is clean enough to be closed. Possibly on Friday he'll have that closed.

He's had a lot of extra skin taken away - so he's got a mini tummy tuck and his side is bald as he was shaved... he's got an e-collar on and is still quite pitiful, but we have him home and he's happy to be here.

So prayers are asked to be continued as we'd like to keep him on the road to recovery. Yesterday was the first night that I actually got sleep and it helped to voice my concerns to D... D had had the same fear that he had some internal damage from the bites and that we'd have to put him to sleep and finally saying the words made them lose some of their power. I tend to internalize my fears and work through them... this time I couldn't work through them because I still feel responsible for his injuries and while I would do whatever is in his best interest to have to do so because of my mistake would be awful... guilt is a powerful thing and thank goodness Chance doesn't hold a grudge.

So that's what's been going on here...

Oh yes and on a positive note - we did the at home test for male fertility and it was positive which equates to D's sperm count is greater than 20 million... so for the moment he's dodged the bullet on having a formal s/a done.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas and Say Some Prayers Please...

I know I've been lax... things here at the 10 canine house have been even more chaotic than they normally are.

Pictures will be posted eventually... right now I need to describe what has taken place since Friday.

Friday night i had to work... Chance was attacked by Meghan when he was trying to get out of his kennel to go outside (I was letting him out at the time)...I thought she was in nursing the puppies.. she came out when she heard the jingle of the kennel and attacked him. I got him free, threw Megan into her kennel and checked Chance over. I thought there were just 2 puncture wounds on his side - cleaned them up and took him outside to do his business.

D came home and coaxed Chance out finally from his kennel. I was wrong... way wrong. I somehow missed the puncture/gashes on his stomach. He called me in a panic and told me to check my email. I did and was horrified. How could I have missed those? Sick to my stomach I told D to call the vet... D did but instead of describing them as gashes he called it a "deep puncture wound" so the vet said to watch it and she'd call us in the morning.

I came home and took one look and knew that he needed to be seen. I paged the vet and she heard my description... apologized profusely and said "I thought about having him bring him in last night but I knew he had to work early in the morning and figured he'd call if it had gotten more significant. I asked if they were gashes and he said - no they were puncture wounds..." D feels awful now too...

So off Chance and I went to the vet. Me with no sleep and we get there... she looks at him and goes - OH NO... we need to clean these and sew them up. So we knock Chance out and 3 hours later he's sewed up - internal and external sutures, a drain and I feel like poop.

The last few days have been awful... I went to work on Saturday night and D took care of Chance. Sunday found my mom showing up and starting to clean the house - me with a migraine and D coming home with a stomach flu. Chance having to go back to the vet for better pain pills/shots and so this is just craziness around here.

Tonight I am back to work. I had hopes of putting up a beautiful photo shopped picture of the whole fam damily - yet I will do that after the holidays. I also spoke to the vet again today as I changed Chance's dressing and well to be honest it smells foul and he's quit eating food - he is taking syringes full of pedialyte as he wouldn't drink water - he probably would take the syringes full of water, but the pedialyte with him not eating gives him some extra electrolytes... Those of you that know Chance know that food is something he LOVES. He's notorious for being found in the middle of a table, counter, whatever in search of food. This is not normal for him. He doesn't miss a meal unless something is wrong. So tomorrow we will be taking Chance back to the vet for IV antibiotics and to be knocked out again and washed out again and cleaned up again in the hopes that our pup will be back to normal and so that we can finally have him on the road to recovery.

Right now we just want the holidays with family visitation over... and thank goodness my mom is cleaning the house or else my in laws would be arriving to a disaster area.

To be honest I don't think I've ever felt this crappy about Christmas... I truly right now just want it over. I can't even smile when I see the tree lit up. I smile with the puppies... I smile when Chance barks at me... I smile when he wags his tail. I smile when Meg acts like a mom rather than trying to abandon them... I smile when Ernie and Lola play around... however I look at the tree and just want all of the craziness to just go away. The added pressure just is a bit too much right now. I know that today is Jesus's birthday and that makes me smile... the trees, the presents, the food, etc not so much.

So my hope for you is that your Christmas has gone much smoother than mine has... and that I never have one like this again... because this years seriously sucked and I don't want a repeat.

Seriously - no repeats of this next year... I think I'd probably lose my mind.

So please say a few prayers that Chance is going to be on the road to recovery and that our vet bill isn't too astronomical and that well that nothing else happens in our house as I'm not sure either of us is up for any more drama. I just want Chance to be fine...

In closing I leave you with my pitiful pooch Chance and then of course a puppy picture and if the internet wasn't so freaking slow I'd include the rest of the kids... but I've got to sleep and work etc...

Friday, December 22, 2006


There aren't many things that make me cry, but today I cried for Akeeyu as her father has died after a battle with cancer. She needs the support of all of us... though goodness knows it's a very solitary thing to go through. Support is something this community does well. Losing a parent sucks and so does infertility and to have to deal with both while not being able to give to your parent the one thing you wanted to "grandkids" well that just sucks even worse.

I know - I lost my dad 2.5 years ago. Right before I got married. 2.5 years means that the initial injury is healed a bit, but there's still a lasting scar that still hurts, still misses him and still well it still bleeds upon occasion. I wish I could say to her it will get easier... I wish I could say to her - he's in a better place, but even though your logical mind knows this as a daughter who still wants her dad with her it doesn't matter.

Yes, this is a fact of life - every one dies... but guess what that doesn't make it easier... it still sucks and that's the part that as someone who's been there knows.

Most of you that have been reading or have read the archives know that I was close to my dad and his death really sent me for a tail spin. I still pick up the phone to call and tell him something... I still talk to him in my mind. D still frequently goes "I really wish your dad was still alive." Generally when referring to the pups, home repairs or a question of woodworking skills etc.

The thing I wish I could talk to him about more than anything though is this whole infertility crap. Seriously - I think he probably would have given assvice, but it would have been coming to me with love in his eyes and reminders of the good things in life. That kind of assvice I can handle... But he can't and while I love to wish and dream of that possibility it isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Dad would have reminded me that I wasn't meant to be - yet here I am... He was supposed to be "sterile" per a doctor... yet he met up and married my mom - fertile recurrent miscarriage myrtle and here I am. A second fertile recurrent miscarriage myrtle... which sucks, but what are you going to do about it? Keep moving forward - one step after another. Ultimately someone will prevail...

Very cute puppy photos coming up!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Finally Sent and all that crap!

Yeah uhmmm not a whole hell of a lot going on in the 10 dog house... our casa is literally over run by pups. Meg and Chance had another altercation. Dan interceded - thank goodness Chance wasn't hurt - Meg took a snipe to the nose. We're not sure what prompted that one - Chance probably smelled differently due to his going to the vet for his teeth to be cleaned.

Teeth cleaning for a dog??? Oh yes - we had our precious pooch put out to have his teeth cleaned and toe nails trimmed and a tooth yanked. So now we have yet another dog on antibiotics... I hope Lola and Ernie heard the news that they are not to get sick as I'm sick of giving dogs antibiotics. Chance did fine with the teeth cleaning - we picked him up and he was glassy eyed it was to be honest quite comical.

Puppies are continuing to do well and now are playing with one another. The weaning process while slow is starting though truthfully we're not pushing it. Different stuff says between weeks 4 and 5, others say week 5, and then others say - the benefits of boob juice help the pups etc. So Meg is dictating some of it and if they spend more time chewing on the nipple then sucking well then off the boob it is. Yes you read that correctly - chewing vs sucking... poor Meg.

Dan still has on occasion called Meg a welfare mom... he gets irritated with her wanting to spend time away from the puppies. This has only gotten worse since he received the book I bought for his dad on puppies. He keeps telling Meg - "Those babies need you right now!" Then hauls her into the closet and sits down with her. Poor Meg she wants to be back on the bed or in her bed or something... nope not yet girlie.

I finally baked some cookies, managed to send out one of the packages I was supposed to send out and then of course finally addressed the envelopes for the Christmas card exchange I'm a part of. So - those of you in my group - they are being mailed out to you today - hopefully if D remembers to do it.

Today also found me gathering stuff around to make Chicken chili for D to take to a pot luck at work... He knows how to make it -so I gave him all ingredients and suggestions and sent him to work with a crock pot. We shall see how this goes.

My mom is slated to arrive on Saturday and I'm off on Sunday... then work Christmas and then the 26th my in laws arrive. I haven't wrapped everyone's presents yet... will get on that. I bought D a book that he can consider his Christmas gift - we bought each other an Ipod for Christmas so that's taken care of. Now I just have to find a Christmas card for him and I'm all set as well as make 2 cards for our parents.

Oh yeah did I mention I have 10 dogs to care for and work 12 hours each night the next couple nights... and D seems to think I've come down with mono as I've slept like the dead for the last week. I don't think I have mono - couldn't... just want to sleep the season away as it's come too soon.

Puppy pictures will occur and if I can ever figure out how to upload the video I've taken of them play fighting I will upload - that is quite the sight to see...

Oh yes and my chart - barren though it may be it is now on the side links...Will try to remember to update the thing...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I'm NOT doing it...

Sneaky blogger trying to get me to switch to beta.. if I would have signed in without reading I'd be in blogger beta. I'm still on the fence. I don't want to try it until I start hearing some raving reviews about it.

Last night found me at a Resolve support group meeting... I'm glad I went. I felt much better after going. Yesterday also marked cd 1. I'm debating about putting a link so those that want to know where I am in my cycle can know without me asking kind of thing. Might make things simpler rather than getting an email asking - so uhmm where are you at? I'm not temping at least the plan is to not... seriously me and a thermometer? I've run out of them - the batteries all die and I of course have not bought batteries. I figure it's a sign I am not meant to temp.

I'm still working on my cards and will send them out. I've debated how to sign them... and finally chose - S & D and the 10 amigos... Since currently we have 10 amigos in our house rather than the 4 crazy amigos we had back in November. The pups are continuing to do well. We're absolutely in love with each and everyone of them. Light blue now has a name - Emmy Lou and she'll be going to her new home in February. We're excited... we've had a few other people interested and so it looks like things are in full swing so to speak.

Today finds us taking Chance in for a dental cleaning - the poor pups mouth smells awful. I hope that this leads to minty fresh breath or at least breath we can stand to have give us kisses.

Will post more pics. Promise... soon...

Monday, December 18, 2006

As promised - just a day late...

Below you will find more puppy pictures to melt your heart.

Brown is doing much better... D came home and fed him puppy formula while I was at work and after 4 syringefuls the little guy was stuffed... and apparently the blood sugar perk made him decide it was time to PLAY... and play he did. With everyone, gnawing on his brothers and sisters. I made D get up at 2 a.m. and then at 5 a.m. to check on Brown and D found him back to his old self - nursing like a champ. When I weighed everyone in yesterday Brown had gained a whole 5 ounces overnight... so yeah he's back to his baseline.

I also found out that we'll be doing a limited registration on the pups. So they'll be registered. This is good news- maybe this is how we'll help to finance whatever fertility treatments we may have in our future. I will be honest I'm a dog lover. (I know all of you are shocked by this news) I never realized Meghan was a show dog - I found that out the other day when I was looking at pictures of the breeder we got Meg from. There she was being shown or at least if the picture would have loaded we would have seen her in action so to speak. One of the women who has been helping us find homes for the pups and gave us the whelping box also told us that her daughter would show Meg if we wanted to do that... I'm not sure how I feel about that. It would require us not to spay her and would then leave open the possibility of having more puppies in the future. I think D and I will have to talk about that. Though I do notice that Meg kind of thrives on the attention so to speak that a "show" dog gets. Yes - she's a bit of a diva.

We did do a test run of Chance and Meghan together to see if the animosity is gone... it is. However we're being cautious as poor Chance is 10.5 years old and is significantly smaller than Meghan. So supervised visitation is all that's being allowed right now. Lola still wants to get in and lick the puppies - however we're not allowing that. The pups currently weigh more than what Lola did when we first got her. She was 2lbs 2 oz... most of these guys at 3 weeks are already over 3 lbs.

As for the reproductive front - we're awaiting the arrival of af. I'd like it to get the proverbial show on the road... My monitor sticks are being shipped as we speak. Other than that nothing to really say except... Enjoy the pics. Will try to post more tomorrow.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

8 days... is not long enough.

8 days is the number of days we've managed to stay away from the vet's office.

8 days was today... and today found me dragging 6 puppies back to the vet.

I woke up this mornig - okay D woke me up and so I went to check on everyone... first one was covered in poop - not cool Meg... not cool... granted it happened while she was having her morning run outdoors, but hey that's her job. Clean up in aisle 4.

So I cleaned Brown up... well I noticed Brown was more subdued than he normally is and just didn't seem all that "perky" granted it is 5:30 in the freaking morning. So I weighed everyone and noticed he hadn't gained that much. Tried to get him to nurse and to be honest he licked the ni*pple rather than sucked it. Hmm weird?

After much debate, I called... talked with the vet tech and was told - bring him in. So at noon today off we went to the vet. Again...

Brown has enteritis... poor little guy. The sh*t on him was his - he'd had some diar*hea... poor little guy. So what probably occurred since I did notice this issue while everyone was still on antibiotics is that the pink stuff was keeping the bug in check. Once off the pink stuff - sick puppy occurs. So Brown is now on a new antibiotic - yellow aka banana flavored. He's also getting some pedialyte until he perks up more. I've already noticed a difference... the listless little guy is back to being a bit more active though he tuckers out quickly.

Again I was reassured by the vet that "If you hadn't brought him in so quickly, we would have had a sick sick puppy on our hands." So... my gut is right on... and D will have the night shift with monitoring to make sure everyone is eating and not getting sick.

Puppy pics sometime tomorrow... promise.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Onward towards magic number 12???

First - thank you for all the kind words in regards to the chemical... it sucks. It's crap... however it's what I get to deal with this holiday season.

Second - Those that I'm supposed to be mailing out holiday cards to... it will happen it just may take me a bit to actually get them out to you. I uhmm am running a bit behind - what with hiding in my bed with the covers pulled up. It's my own personal way of coping :)

Third - I'm on number 12??? Seriously... it took me multiple times to accurately count this particular journey... I'm still stunned... since of the 11 chemical, ectopic, or blighted ovums - 10 occurred since June 2005. I try not to tally these numbers up too regularly as well it's like reading someone elses story. It can't be about me. I think that these all just happened to my evil twin...

So uhmm yeah now we wait for the period to finally show up. I stopped the PIO on Friday so it'll probably be here on Monday. Fun times... I ordered the sticks for my monitor today and should have them by Saturday. I'll have to hpt every month and will most likely do that at 13-14 dpo each month. Here's hoping it only takes one month... *roflmao* Imagine me rolling my eyes... I sometimes kill myself. Although goodness that would be fabulous - not getting my hopes up. Heck I don't even get my hopes up now with a medicated cycle - why would I get my hopes up for a non medicated cycle.

Crispy - DD glad you liked the term. I figured it worked better then fried. Besides I'm low fat and baked :D.

Dino - when you come up with some better words than crap email me ;) I may have to start searching in other languages for how to describe my reproductive life. I just remembered an excellent word to describe our (D & my) reproductive journey FUBAR...

Talked with one of the RE's nurses... it's comical - she was a bit shocked that we had never just "tried" on our own with progesterone. I said yep me too... and then she looked back and goes - but you got pregnant on that "rest" cycle and I said yes, I did and I started the prometrium up after the positive as I wasn't planning on getting pregnant that cycle. Oh... I believe was her response. She asked - has anyone mentioned other options - I said nope... but if we come back we'll reevaluate at that time. She put a note in my chart, called in a script for PIO and wished us luck.

Oh yes and I have my annual scheduled for February - should be fun when I fill out the paperwork. I think I'm just going to print out the about me page of my blog and say here's a summary. Then watch my doc's eyes bulge out of his head. I believe he'd probably offer me just about whatever the heck I want in regards to medicine at this stage of the game.

This post is rambling because I am up in the middle of the night it's 2:30 in the morning and Meghan decided she wanted to tease the puppies... the poor things were following her around like lost hungry little ones and she kept moving, sit down for a minute then back up again. If the goal was exercise for the uncoordinated then she was successful in regards to that... if it was for them to figure out how to nurse while standing then well not so successful. Black got so frustrated she sat down in the middle of the box and started crying. It would have been comical if D hadn't been trying to sleep. I have to work tonight so he'll be in charge of getting everyone around on Sunday morning - he's got 9 more day shifts left then he's on midnights until April. He's dreading April. I'm dreading April to be honest. He's still not adjusted to the day shifts and he handles change even worse than I do.

I Hate Being Right About This...

Negative... no beta needed... I'm 16 dpo/dpiui and whatever was there for lines are now gone...

What's next?

D and I both are a little bit crispy. Which means that we're going to take a breather... use the fertility monitor, PIO after ovulation... and just well enjoy each other. If it happens great... if not then come March or April we'll go back and ask them to figure out what to do next.

It means unfortunately going back to charting somewhat... not looking forward to that, however this also allows us to build up our savings and have the proverbial cash plan if needed.

Don't worry I'm not going to quit blogging... just step back a bit and enjoy life more than doctors appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc.

I think I need that... and hey maybe I'll even go on a diet - yeah that ones doubtful. A girl can dream right?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Because I said So...

So there take that everyone... I'm too busy in puppy land to even think or talk about what may or may not be going on in my uterus.

The new digs as we had a rash of escapes the other day resulting in some poop on the floor... not cool... very not cool.

Let them eat feet....

So yeah uhmm we're still in denial at the 10 canine household... it's actually not a terrible feeling to be honest. I'm focusing on the puppies right now and lemonade - which has been something that is consistent with every freaking positive I've ever had. Even the crappiest ones so who knows why I have that sign as a eureka kind of thing. D is even more ambivalent about this than I am - he's like "shouldn't it be darker" yet when I went to purchase 3 different brands of hpt's he was of the "why are you purchaisng all of those????" To waste money my dear watson... to waste money. I put the hpt's back... will buy more when he's NOT with me as seriously don't want to hear it.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

We Shall See

We have not done a beta yet... we do have a faint - so faint it needs spot lights to see positive on an hpt... D and I have decided - what's the rush - we've had good betas, bad betas, okay betas and as of yet not one of them has paid off. A few more days isn't going to kill us. I'm not sure when I'll do the beta. I assume if things stay positive until Monday then I'll finally do it. Trying to figure out when the best time to do it is hard as if I wait till Friday the redraw wouldn't be until Tuesday of next week based on 96 hours rather than 48... so Monday works.

Other than that nothing happening here... move along. So yeah uhmm we shall see. D pointed out - shouldn't it be darker by now? Yeah... it should. I am 14 dpiui/dpo whatever you want to call it... a dark line would have made me feel a bit more eager to do a beta. A faint one just makes me go - ARGHHHHHHH...

Off to play with the puppies... or let them gnaw on my toes or fingers or what not - can do that while they still don't have teeth. Will post pics later. I promise.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Patience - apparently I do have some...

First off - cycle update. I could have done a beta today at 12 dpiui... I'm not. I don't want to know. I had done a digital yesterday at 11 dpiui and it clearly stated "not pregnant". I'm going with probably not pregnant... not that I've ever had a positive at 11 dpo but ya know what I mean. I have 2 more nights to work - I'd rather live with denial... hpt on Wednesday and stop the PIO at that point. Call me crazy or whatever... just not in that big of a yank to know. So that's where patience comes in!

Second - Maribeth has an update on Greta and her pups... want to see some cute wire haired pups - this would be your opportunity. Congratulations Maribeth and Greta - it didn't happen the way you anticipated, but they're here and all is well! Let me just add - I have known Maribeth for about 10 years... we've been on a doxie group that branched off from being just about doxies to about doxies and life... a circle of friends. These women and a few men can't forget the boys... have seen me through dating woes, Chance's bad back, becoming a nurse, the death of my dad, my marriage, and the whole ttc crap. They are all older than me and such great diverse men and women... it is a pleasure to know them and love them.

Third - TSO was fabulous. However I did get a phone call at the beginning of it stating "Hi this is work -you're supposed to be here." WTF!!!! Yeah uhmm apparently the paperwork I filled out didn't translate to the dailies and I didn't check because that stuff is just supposed to happen. No harm no foul... will find the paperwork to make sure my tookus is covered, but once my heart quit racing... I was able to enjoy the concert. D loved our seats and we had a great time! Next year there won't be puppies we have to rush home and get back to their momma (D is still paranoid that Meghan is going to lay on one of them) and a babysitter was not to be found... so by the time we got home - Meghan was in a tizzy, the pups were fine lazing about like little lizards under the heat lamp and since I had rigged up a way for the little yahoos not to escape were still safe in their whelping box.

Fourth - This morning with said rigging down - Navy aka Heavy had escaped from the box and shi*te on the floor... D's words - they will be moved to the closet tonight I promise. The box in the closet has higher sides so little escape artists can not climb the walls... yet. Little stinkers. Last day of antibiotics for Navy and White... Tomorrow will be the last for Brown and then Wednesday will be the last day for Red and Light Blue... They are starting to play... starting to walk like drunken sailors... and all in all quite enjoyable... though D did say with a grin "We are going to have our hands full!" Yep - we sure are. It's been fun so far though... and what's a little shi*te on the floor in the grand scheme of things?

Will post more puppy pictures - unless of course you guys are getting sick of them...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

For the love of...

Why oh why did I reach out and dial?

I dialed a friend... a male friend - haven't heard from him or his wife in a while and wanted to just say hi... Christmas spirit and all that crap. I left a message... he called back. He used to be my roommate... he used to date one of my best friends. Turns out they're pregnant... due in April. I am happy for them, but why oh why did I have to feel that green eyed monster called jealousy creep out and choke me. I didn't even know what to say... I said the obligatory congratulations and I am happy on some level... I'm just so frustrated right now.

Another friend let me know that one of our former classmates - he was a giant geek is a prof somewhere now and his wife are apparently expecting as well... gee great.

So I'm talking myself away from the chocolate... going to hold some puppies - oh wait I did that already.

Right now all I feel is fear. Fear of a negative. What the hell will we do if it is negative? I know - keep moving forward, but do I push D to have a s/a? (Won't have to push too hard, but is it something I want to know at this point is the real question...) If we do the s/a and it comes back crappy do we just say screw it find the funding somehow to do IVF?

I blame D's job... it has to be that because seriously we've never had an issue getting knocked up it's the staying knocked up that's the problem. So yeah uhmm don't mind me...I'm the girl in the corner clutching a puppy saying - "there there"

Why can't they just sedate you for the two week wait? I'm thinking we'd all be a little bit less well uhmm fried if they did that.

Thank goodness I'm off tonight due to a LCD... got to love those.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


We came home today from an errand to find the above picture...

I woke up tonight to the above picture.

White has become Houdini!

His eyes are still only slits, his vision is not that great... his coordination is abominable. Yet, he's managed to escape the whelpping box twice in a short period of time. We think what is happening is that there was a towel bunched up that would elevate you so you could go "over the edge" and escape and that he's using that rather than him climbing out. We shall see as I fixed the bunched up towel.

In other news - Runt aka Red will have to have her tail redone... she'll be going under anesthesia on Friday to do this... exposed bone just is not safe for her. We (meaning the vet, breeder we got Meghan from, D and I) think what occurred was that she suddenly had a growth spurt after her tail was done which led to the edges not to seal and the bone to become exposed.

On Friday everyone is getting checked out/looked at to make sure all are doing well. The vet asked that we bring them in for a look at just to make sure all are well. She feels bad about the tail. Red doesn't seem bothered by it at this point thank goodness.

Other than that life is good. Nothing on the fertility front... I'm 8 days post IUI so who knows what's going on in there. Hopefully something good.

**Edited to add** No Meghan isn't dropping "white" out of the box... she wasn't in the box the first time and the second time she was sleeping and I watched the little bugger escape today - he just has places to go and people to see apparently!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Woohoo and Pics

Picture of 6 happy, healthy, and full of milk puppies - if you look closely you can find number 6...

Woohoo - goes out to one of my friends on a bb that is pregnant - she's been trying for quite a while and she's gotten two great betas. Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months.

Monday, December 04, 2006

So... Why does two weeks feel like an eternity?

As the title states... that is how this 2ww feels. It stinks. I am trying to ignore my body. I'm trying to focus on the puppies.

In the meantime this has led me to ALMOST forget my estrace twice, my PIO three times... Thank goodness it's been almost rather than definitely forgotten. However it always makes you go hmm... is it because I've become an old hat about this or is it because I truly don't care? I'm not sure that I know the answer to that.

I know that puppies aren't babies, but it's the closest thing I've got to babies. We're helping Meghan mother her puppies... and both D and I are total saps about the puppies. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just something you realize as you watch a puppy open it's eyes for the first time (So far only the heavy of the bunch has his eyes open - however I imagine by tomorrow we'll have a few more eyes open.)

On other fronts - I became the paranoid parent today... actually D & I both did. The pups tails were doc*ked last week Tuesday and things were going great... until we started trimming toenails and I noticed that one of the pups had a little somethiing on it's tail. That something was well to be blunt - not quite right. So I called the vet. We ended up taking all puppies in and 3 out of 6 are now on antibiotics due to their tails being quite possibly infected. So on top of remembering my antibiotics, estrace, PIO, etc... I now have to remember the puppies antibiotics - theirs are twice a day. On the days I work I have to somehow have D remember these items. This could be interesting.

I will try to post puppy pictures tomorrow... I know it's probably nauseating, but heck - I'd rather focus on them then what may or may not be happening with my body and what steps we may or may not take. Hope that makes sense!

*edited to add* Weimaraners have fragile tails - that is why their tails are do*cked so that they don't break their tails - when hunting, rough housing, etc which can cause a lifelong of pain for them... if you want to debate the humaneness of doc*king so be it, but not here... I will do whatever I need to do to ensure safe, healthy, and loving lives for these pups - never question that.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Who Would Have Thought...

We'd have a baby monitor before we had a baby?

Yep you read that right - we now own a baby monitor. It's the easiest way for us to be able to be out and about in the house without worrying about Meghan and her puppies. I know it makes us sound totally paranoid, but truthfully after having a pup die due to being laid on - one tends to be a bit paranoid.

Right now I've learned I'm pretty sensitive to death of any kind - whether it be from natural causes or unnatural causes, human or animal. I'm realistic about life and death - that's not it... it's that I am so tired of death touching my life. (I don't mean at work either)

I mean I'm tired of losing people and things that I care about... maybe this is what accumulates after trying for so long and losing so many... I don't know. Maybe this is due to trying to figure out what path to take next if we have to choose... Maybe it's just that for once I want joy and happiness rather than sadness in our lives.

Don't get me wrong - I have a LOT of things to be joyful about, however there are still quite a few things to be sad about. I keep things in perspective... and most days all you'll ever hear me talk about are the good things in my life. However at the end of the day, in the middle of the night... D and I talk about those things that aren't quite sunshine and light. He's bothered by this ttc thing as am I. We handle it differently.

I think he was rather disappointed with the post wash count... okay I KNOW he was disappointed in the post wash count because he came home and googled it to try and find a "normal" value. Talk about an effort in futility... I think this time is different for him... because every other time we could always say it was most likely something went wrong with "my" body... now we know the possibility is there that the problem may be with both of us... and that has made my loving husband start to talk about next steps... what if's... things we hadn't necessarily agreed or discussed before.

Communication is something that is vital in our relationship - no one could ever say that we don't communicate. However we have left a few things unresolved - our feelings about IVF... so now that's being discussed... Our RE has not once ever mentioned that, but we want to have a united front if that option ever gets brought up.

So what have we learned...

1. That S & D are paranoid about their puppies...
2. That S & D have agreed to a s/a if this cycle is negative.
3. That S & D are contemplating more IUI's depending on what the s/a shows if this cycle is negative...
4. That S & D are talking about IVF and if we would even go that route...

Nothing is ever set in stone... I know D will move heaven and earth to have a family with me... and that is something I can wrap around myself when he's not here and know that I am loved and that I truly have a wonderful husband. Maybe that's the take home message of today...

Friday, December 01, 2006

Puppy Pictures & Power Update

So far we still have power. Unfortunately we're all a bit stir crazy. I'm supposed to make dinner - but truthfully I have no clue what to make. Suggestions are welcome as I'm the cook for the next couple of days.

I wax and wane between being hopeful and despair as well as wondering if we need to do another s/a for D if this is negative. I'm thinking that that will be a definite if it is negative. D is of course open to whatever I feel needs to be done. I married a great man... he's been such a trooper through all this. Whatever I've suggested - he's been willing. He's also talked about IVF where as before he's been absolutely against it. That doesn't mean I'm completely for it, but I'm definitely open to all our options. You know me - I have to have a plan to feel secure about everything and so far we don't really have a plan but we know we have options which helps a lot.

In other news - Beta is definitely on December 11... Below are puppy pictures. Thank goodness for Margie - who uploaded the pics for me to my photobucket... so everyone could enjoy the cute little darlings!

Stinking Weather- Pray that the power stays on!

We are under a winter storm warning... actually I think it's whatever the it's going to happen so better prepare yourself warning. It started last night and is going throughout the day until at the earliest 7 pm tonight.

The weather is weird... started as rain, then ice, and now snow. Anywhere from 2-12 inches in various areas of the state... we're in the I believe 2-6 range and D's work is in the 2" or less range. D took my vehicle to work and has made a request that I keep my tookus indoors and off the roads. Fortunately I don't need to drive anywhere.

My only concern is that the weather will knock out power. Then I'll be moving puppies to the living room and stoking the fireplace and praying that everyone gets along. Or I'll be holding various puppies under comforters etc in the effort to keep them warm.

I've figured out why dogs ears are sealed for the first few weeks - its so they don't have to hear their littermates catterwauling while eating. We have a bunch of noisy eaters in our household... by noisy I mean NOISY... one enjoys squawking while eating. This leads to either D or I getting up to check and make sure no one is getting squashed. I think it's safe to say we are prepared for parenthood after the last 6 nights.

D has never had puppies or kittens or anything that has given birth before... he's in awe of the little buggers. I of course have been the unfortunate owner of a "male" hamster named Ricky that turned into Rickette - when I came home to find 8 new hamster babies, a cat that was adopted and was pregnant and gave us 6 kittens. My sister reminded me of my dumb luck so to speak in regards to adopting animals and that I tend to somehow manage to pick the ones that are knocked up! So this has been a learning experience for D - one we won't be repeating.

I know God has a reason for why we ended up with Meghan of all the dogs to choose from. Maybe it's to make our Christmas that much more interesting as who can't enjoy puppies running around the tree?

PIO started last night... Beta is uhm I think December 11... Shoot should probably read the paper right? I'm thinking of putting a ticker up for the puppies age and also for the beta... Pictures will be forthcoming as soon as I can load them up on photobucket - as my internet connection right now is spotty with the weather - or sweet talk a friend into loading them up for me.