Sunday, April 30, 2006

What's a family dinner if you don't...

Piss off Grandma...

Let me just say for the record I didn't know she was going to be there. D didn't know she was going to be there. We're not avoiding her, we just like to know these things. Primarily because if I'm going to have to deal with an acid filled stomach for dinner I want to pop the tums before hand. I also don't truthfully enjoy pissing her off. I prefer a good debate about politics. Uncomfortable family arguments where no one actually gets to the heart of the issue really are not on my list of things I enjoy.

Anyways bottom line I didn't even start this conversation. She did. You remember the name of this blog right? He's a cop, I'm a nurse we have 3 dogs and we want a baby... or something like that. Anyways... she was fishing. Fishing for information about D's cousin's accident. D is not involved in the accident investigation at all. He never has been. So... asking him what they could possibly be doing at the accident scene 7 months after the accident. He answered truthfully - I have no idea. They may have been there for another accident. I pointed out that it was a busy stretch of road and that ultimately we need to trust that the officers that were there were doing their jobs. D's grandma at that point huffed. I finally had to say - it's not in the county that this happened hands... it's in the hands of a special prosecutor that is totally neutral. If charges are filed they will be. She then promptly said it was a cover up, conspiracy etc. I laughed. I laughed a lot and said really and you have proof of this? I also pointed out if she wanted information regarding the investigation then she could go and get a copy of the report according to the freedom of information act. She huffed again.

I think huffing is the thing that tends to make me want to poke her with a stick. She wanted to drop it at that point. Oh no Grandma.. you went to far... So I pointed out that the officers whatever they were there for were doing their job, that if she had wanted to know what they were doing she could have stopped and asked rather than going on a whim that has no basis in reality. That her grandson, my husband does his job. That contrary to what she believes that the majority of officers are not corrupt and that I have faith in the judicial system.

I'm not sorry for it. D isn't upset with me - he's actually proud of me. D and I talked on the way back to my mom's... when I whined (yes I whined) why can't you have a nice grandma? His response I did... she died. My response - is there any way we can get her back? No, but she would have LOVED you. Awww at least one of his grandparents would have loved me. Apparently just getting D into a church, let alone getting him to agree to baptism and membership in an organized religion would have put me on the top of his other grandma's list. I can at least safely say that there are many things I've accomplished in my relationship with D... helping him to find his faith is one I can safely say I think is the best one of all.

Now the one thing I can be thankful for is that somehow my mother in law has not told my grandmother in law about our rpl. I think I can safely say I don't want that old bat knowing anything in regards to our reproductive woes... Sometimes it pays to have a mil that is uncomfortable with the words - sex, miscarriage, infertility issue.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Hibernation anyone?

I've spent the last few days in hibernation mode. Hibernation mode for me is my way of regrouping. It's also my way of just getting back to my baseline. It generally occurs for a day after coming off a long work stretch... this one lasted almost 3 days. My husband was beginning to worry. Although he also saw how deeply I was sleeping that he wasn't too concerned and that the dogs had put up a barrier mode of cuddling of sorts - Lola at my side, Ernie on the other side, Chance between my ankles. He knows by now I only do that when extremely exhausted. He took care of me for those 3 days. He cooked, he made sure I ate, and he just let me be. For that I'm thankful. Hell most days I'm thankful for him... (although I wasn't too pleased when the 6 boxes of coffee showed up at our house the other day). I'll get to that later.

My work stretch was particularly stressful due to beta day... Beta day was Monday and involved Sunday night of me working all night, knowing that the beta was going to be puny and lets not forget having to drive an hour to do that plus drive an hour home... then go to work that same night. It meant I got maybe 3 hours sleep. Tuesday involved phone calls back and forth from the RE's office. So that too involved little sleep. Culminating on early Wednesday morning a migraine. Migraines tend to be triggered by lack of sleep for me. I didn't feel human Wednesday night. I didn't feel human Thursday- in spite of a wonderful hour long massage. I finally felt human Friday night late as we were driving to my mom's house.

So I'm back. Back to normal - kind of sort of. D and I talked about the waiting a month thing and we talked quite a bit about it... and we're okay with that. We're okay with not being pregnant like we were last year at the end of May. We'd like to start the next 12 months off with a positive and a positive that lasts. We've also talked about how we're going to handle the next cycle. Meaning when are we going to schedule beta days, etc. We're going to request 2 no matter what is for certain. The other thing we're going to do is do a late beta. None of this early crap for us. We've sworn off hpt's. Unless D buys them... and he's said no even if you are the divine beta guru it's not happening. We're going to check with the RE's office about making sure ovulation has occurred at that supposedly 36-48 hours mark because what if I'm a late ovulator (is that even possible with the hcg trigger?) See all of these things I don't know the answer to and Dr. Google hasn't been too friendly in giving up the answers. We're also going to talk with the RE's office about increasing the progesterone because I spotted quite a bit this last cycle. Maybe 200 mg a day isn't enough... heck I have no idea. Ultimately we're going to make the good doctor and his nurses earn their money come May. Not that I haven't made them do their work, but we're planning on making them step it up a notch or two or three.

I also spoke with my sister... and she wanted to learn more about everything. So I disclosed... and I had to break it to her that we've become very cynical in regards to positive tests... We've had multiple positives. We've had 6 pregnancies in the last 11 months. Apparently that living on the other side of the state for us is NOT a problem. Of the 6 pregnancies 3 have had properly doubling betas. None have lasted long enough for an u/s. My family has an extensive history of losses... My sister had a late second trimester loss with her second pregnancy. My mother had multiple first and a few second trimester losses... My aunt had first and second trimester losses. All of these women went on to have babies eventually. I will too. I just think that both D and I are going to protect our hearts quite a bit in regards to any pregnancy that crosses our paths. I knew D was feeling that way when we did the digital last week and he said "We need one that says technically pregnant, but don't get your hopes up."

I think that statment is the thing I feel the worst about. 11 months ago I told him... "we're pregnant, but don't get your hopes up I'm spotting." I wish for once I could say to him with certainty - this will work out... Then he too could have hope back rather than the fear that the next time he leaves to go to the other side of the state I make that phone call saying... "Honey, I don't think this is going to work out." I think the day that that happens will be a very special day in the 3 dogs house... I hope that day happens soon.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ah Yes Grasshopper...

As I write this I am laying in bed. I'm waiting patiently for my husband to get home to go to sleep. Patiently means - he'll be here in about 2 hours. I've just finished my stretch of working and lets just say I had a critically ill patient and if I wanted a challenge I got it and had it for 4 nights. This patient tested my knowledge and my "gut" instincts. Thank goodness those are still "on". So now I'm exhausted... I've provided patient education to not only the wife, but the mother (who has some signs of Alzheimer's and so I did that 2 nights in a row... answered the same questions, and she responded in the same manner- it was kind of comical.) After the second episode the wife told me about the mother's condition.

Anyways... for two days I have not had internet. My provider was having issues and so I couldn't update. I have a headache right now so this may be brief, but really it's me talkiing so that's unlikely.

Sunday found me peeing on a hpt. I figured since we are in the process of putting a ban on them in our household I better pee on the last of the few lonely soldiers that are still here. It was an equate and it was a negative (okay a line that you'd have to really know how to read hpt's would see namely me), the internet cheapie I had peed on was faintly positive. I decided in my mind that my beta would be less than 10.

Monday was the designated day for beta which found me driving an hour after working all night, during that hour I called and scheduled an u/s. A girl can dream right? I decided to hold off on the beta and fudge the truth a bit and say that the equate was negative. U/S showed thin lining (duh) and no cysts... however no one was real clear if Dr. Y would let me cycle or not. After waiting a while I was told that I needed to still get the repeat beta. By now I've been up for approx 16 hours. Of course the lab was backed up at big hospital, so that took another hour. I got home, went to bed, had the results faxed and the beta was 9. (I had to laugh at this number because I had said it was less than 10 and had put the number in my mind at a 5-9). So yes, I can interpret urine pregnancy tests and come up with my own beta numbers and apparently I'm pretty accurate.

Monday afternoon I received a call from the RE's office. Dr. Y wanted me to wait a cycle. I of course wanted a reason and rationale... and asked for one. Primarily because if I wasn't such an honest person we'd already be cycling... They were calling my beta of 25 a pregnancy and that this was a miscarriage. Since I've cycled with a beta of 5, and a beta of 7 I figured why not with a beta of 9. SO devil's advocate that I am since he wasn't asking for a repeat beta I asked the nice nurse to ask him for his reasoning behind waiting.

Most woman who have a miscarriage are told to wait either 1 to 3 cycles... There is no actual evidence to support these things it's just what doctors tell you to do. I've read the reasoning to give you "emotional" time to heal. I healed back on Tuesday and Wednesday and briefly hallucinated on Thursday that things might work out, but knew in my heart that it wasn't meant to be. Emotionally I was as good as I was going to be - determined. When you look at my track record it reads like a soap opera... while I like soap opera's... I don't want my life to be one.

Anyways... so Tuesday comes and the RE's office calls again. Dr. Y still is asking us to take a cycle off, and truly try not to get pregnant this cycle (Had to laugh this coming from the RE's office). Dr. Y said there was no evidenced based medicine to suggest that it was the thing to do, but in his years of working as an RE he's done this and has had good results (it's okay I laughed at that and thought it's a long fall off that high horse). So we'll try not to get pregnant. We're not making any promises - the month I had the endometrial biopsy we used condoms, and I ended up with a beta of 7. The nurse also mentioned that maybe the prometrium isn't doing the trick since I spotted from 11 dpo to 15 dpo, then stopped for 2 days and started menses and maybe that might be part of the problem. We'll discuss with Dr. Y once we start cycling again and who knows what rabbit he's going to want to throw out of his hat at me.

On a very sad note the coworker who was doing IVF - she got her beta results yesterday... at work... it wasn't good news. I feel awful for her. I'm truly not sure what hurts worse and can only imagine the pain she feels at hearing negative. I'm thankful for every positive I've had - even if they haven't stayed long for me to enjoy them. I can't imagine the feeling of month after month of negatives. She and I talked a bit and she said "It's nice to talk to someone who may not be in the same boat as I am in, but at least is in the same ocean." I thought ya know what... that's exactly what it is. It's similar, yet different, but still has some of the same heartache. They have some frozen's that they're planning on using. I hope one of them turns into a pregnancy that ends in a baby.

I hope that for each and every one of you that is trying... and even myself (just not this cycle of course) so start praying that this is a short cycle so to speak.

Sunday, April 23, 2006


Well my lovely friend Equate is negative. While I'm not happy that this pregnancy decided to turn up it's toes and leave me. I am happy for resolution that did not involve more blood draws or methotrexate. I can safely blame the RE's office for this one going south as the bleeding didn't start until I had stopped the progesterone for two days. Which of course just proves that even when you have a good quality corpus luteum in my body if you don't add the progesterone I'm relatively speaking screwed.

So... tomorrow morning on my way to the RE's office (I'm supposed to get a repeat beta done ) I'm going to call and say yeah uhmm how about we skip that beta and just do the u/s so I can start my cycle. I think at this point they'll take my powers of observation on hpt's to say yes whatever you say.

A girl can dream right?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Well we know where this is headed don't we?

Well I figured I had better update. Because we all know how progesterone dependent I am what should happen but after being off progesterone from Monday afternoon until Thursday night? Well Thursday night found a slight spot... Friday night in spite of the restarted progesterone after midnight - so Saturday of course the spotting turned to more of an ooze or light flow... so personally I've written this chemical pregnancy off. I could of course be wrong, but with my track record I'm pretty sure of what I'm saying. I'm hoping that we can do another injectables cycle starting Monday. Monday morning I'll take a pregnancy test at home if that's light/negative then I'm going to call and get the u/s done and hopefully get my protocol.

This is the part I hate... I hate getting my hopes up. Even though I try hard not to... in your mind you come up with a due date... you come up with telling your parents... all those things come into your head. The part I hate the most though is the phone call to D. Because I know that even though "we're okay" it still hurts. Of course as is our track record bad things tend to happen when D is over on the other side of the state. I called him at 3 and said yeah uhmm this is not likely to go our way and he responded with... how come this always seems to be like this... a Friday night/Saturday morning you call and tell me things don't look good. We need to change things up. He then casually mentioned... at least this one we can blame on the RE. (If you don't remember or haven't read the posts where the first pregnancy that ended up ectopic he blamed himself, the second one we blamed some family member of his... the third so on and so forth. Not once has my husband ever said it's my fault... even knowing that I have the luteal phase defect. So this has become our ongoing joke of who to blame next. It's his coping mechanism. Mine is blogging and laughter. His is laughter and figuring out which asshole relative he can blame this time) So in spite of the hurt... there are a few things I can be thankful for... I have never had to go through a loss where a heartbeat has been detected. For me that would hurt way more than this does. These chemical pregnancies with each one I get hopeful and I'm happy that that still happens, but my hopes when they get dashed don't bottom me out to the depths of despair. They sit me on my bottom for a moment or two... and then I come up with a plan. A plan that says the next time this will work. Now how do I go about making it happen. My parents, family, and friends can attest to my stubbornness. I am full of stubborn. Whatever is causing my uterus to reject these things so quickly will be fixed. Maybe not this time, but hopefully next time.

So keep your fingers crossed that Monday comes and we're able to start our cycle of injectables. Throwing caution to the winds, shooting gonal-f at the ovaries and coming up with 2-3 good eggs... ahhh a girl can dream.

Let the record state next time... we'll do both betas before stopping the progesterone. I will always trust my gut and I'm going to talk to the RE about upping the progesterone. We're looking for that fluffy pillow top mattress... because that old junky motel one is getting thrown out as of today!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Definitely the Booby Prize...

Does anyone remember
  • this post
  • well go back and read it.

    Ahhh you're back now... so you may sense a touch of frustration. Do not get me wrong when I rant about this. I want very badly to be pregnant. Both D and I want that very badly. However we're also over being "teased". On Monday when i got the beta results of 5 I stopped progesterone as my doctor and the nurse both said this is so low there is no way that this is what we want it to be. So I waited... waited patiently for my period to show up. All I had to show for it was some wimpy brown cm and that was about it. So I did what any girl would do 3 days after a crappy beta... I took a digital test. It wasn't even an EPT digital. It was a clear blue digital and I took it this afternoon before my u/s appt. It came up "pregnant". Now if I hadn't been through this roller coaster multiple times I'd be thrilled.

    However one tends to become a bit cynical after this many failed attempts. So I showed D and he promptly called me a "tease" and then asked "So now what? Because we both know that that word doesn't mean squat." I shrugged grabbed my phone and dialed my RE's number. I of course did not get lucky enough to get the nurse who really seriously thought I was nuts. No, I got a medical assistant. She was very nice. After speaking with probably an IVF nurse she said well we'll cancel your u/s - if you heard the scream on that one then sorry that was me and we'd like you to get another beta, but we won't get the results till tomorrow.

    I went told D and he laughed and goes "wish you would have had that stupid test done on Wednesday huh?" Yes, yes, I'm kicking myself - get your butt in the car we've got labs to do.

    So I had a repeat beta done... and I had the results faxed to me. I like to know these things before the doctor's office calls me with crappy news. Right now we have a beta of 25 at 15-16 dpo. Yeah that's low. However I had a doubling time of 31 hours (actually probably 36 hours as I had it drawn later than the original beta). So uhmm not sure what this gets us.

    I do have some good news though... One of my dear dear friends that I've been in a buddy group for a while has just gotten her positive after IVF with ICSI. I'm thrilled for her. This is her first positive ever and boy are we excited for her.

    On an unrelated note... today was my Dad's birthday... I hope that that's a sign that this will all work out... however most special days in D and my life have not boded well for pregnancies so hopefully if anyone can pull this off it would be Dad.

    Oh yes and I'll let you all know how that phone call with the RE's office goes tomorrow... somehow I'm sure someone is going to say uhmm well... we need you to do more bloodwork... Ya think?

    Tuesday, April 18, 2006

    Crappy Tuesday

    A woman has the right to change her mind right?

    Fortunately my husband is a firm believer in that first statement, because boy have I done a 180. Before this last cycle started I was firmly in the we'll give it one more shot with the big guns then do it on our own. Well after talking to Dr. Y... I changed my mind. D was listening while I was talking with Dr. Y. That helps tremendously because then I don't have to go back and say well he said this, that and the other thing. He understood. Dr. Y felt that we could do either another injectable cycle or take a break. If we were to do another injectable cycle he'd be aiming for a better response. Meaning those ovaries better shoot out more than one... preferably 2-3. Okay I can go with that rationale. In other words... more drugs. I was on pretty wimpy doses of gonal-f so I'm sure extra gonal-f will give the old ovaries a jolt into reality. So... we're signed up for another cycle.

    I know it's not the be all, end all... but damn it'd be nice if the third time was a charm rather than a booby prize. I think we won the booby prize the last two cycles. So cd 1... will most likely be Wednesday. I'll get an u/s on Thursday and start shooting up on Friday. Let the games begin.

    On uninspiring/crappy news Tuesday I also learned that I did not get a position I had applied for. I figure God works in mysterious ways... he knows what I can and can't handle... maybe I can just deal with the stress of my regular job rather than adding to it by going someplace new? I don't know. I truly don't have any answers in regards to this thought. I know I'll come up with a game plan. Most likely soon. It stinks that they keep throwing more money at you to stay... makes it difficult to leave. Almost impossible. Fortunately most days I love what I do. On those rare occasions that I don't. I just count the days until I'm off.

    Oh yes and more crappy news... my mom's septic field is okay... however the drain pipe (the pipe that takes the refuse to the septic tank/field is not so good. D spent hours down there on Monday and then again today trying to get the thing to work. He also spent hours yelling at my father in heaven... I believe there was some muttering of "Sure you find this so funny... the least you could have done was given me a heads up I'd have to deal with this crap and tell me how to fix it rather than let me figure it out on my own." Drain tile is something my dad did a lot of things with. Some drainage tile has slits or holes in it... others don't. D didn't know that. I knew that, but D didn't ask me or tell me what he had planned. D found out the hard way. Lets just leave it at he picked the one with slats and a mess was made. D spent the better part of Tuesday afternoon cleaning up the mess he made in the hopes my mother wouldn't find out. She came home, she found out and she cackled like a loon before going upstairs to take a "nerve" pill (code word for xanax). She also muttered something along the lines "I'm so giving your father a piece of my mind when I get out to that cemetery this weekend." I can only feel pity for the poor folk who go to the cemetery to visit their loved ones and find my mom bitching at my father. I'm sure they'd think he died just to get away from all her yelling. I think it's therapeutic for her. She never had to take care of household problems before he died... and now she has D to take care of them. She can't yell at D... so she yells at my dad.

    So back to work starting tomorrow... let the games begin is my thought.

    Monday, April 17, 2006

    The Little Things

    Super Freak... Super Freak... Get Super Freakie...

    Is that how that song goes? I swear it's my life. Having sworn off hpt's until the day of the beta found me peeing on a stick this morning. Yep, there was a line... but boy was it faint. So in my mind I thought between 5-10. I was right. The beta was 5 at 13 dpo.

    My RE's office called in the afternoon and they were less than pleased with those results as was I. We're calling it a negative. I told the nurse who was very nice and very helpful that we were not going to be doing an injectables cycle this month that we needed to take a break. She understood. I also told her I had better betas on an unmedicated cycle than this. She agreed after looking over my chart. Heck my beta on clomid was better than that. I'm tempted - way tempted to call and see if the RE will call and talk to me about maybe doing clomid. D is willing to do whatever I want to do. I'm not sure what I want.

    I know we both want a baby. We want a healthy pregnancy and we don't want to lose our minds or our finances. We've jumped through the hoops and right now we're slightly spent. A part of me wants to just try it with extra progesterone and see what happens. It'd be something different. We haven't ever just tried that. We found out about the luteal phase defect and went to clomid. When the clomid and progesterone (wimpy suppository) went south we went to injectables and progesterone... well you've seen how well that has worked out haven't we? 5... my magic number has been 5. While the very nice RE nurse said I've never seen a 0 on the hcg tests... I had to break it to her that I have. That I have seen 3 and I've even seen 1... and once a long time ago I seen 0. So it's possible.

    D was glad this wasn't a screw with you kind of thing like January's beta was... he's completely over those kind of days where you go is it an ectopic or isn't it. So I guess we have to be thankful for the little things... the little things are the 3 little dogs that are snoring next to me... my husband who just got ready to go to work... and the little things like toilets that flush...

    Maybe I'll call the RE and see what he thinks... if he says well it can't hurt then we'll give it a shot... and if he says well I wouldn't do that I'll ask why. It's always nice to get a second opinion even if the first opinion is just your own.

    Off to play with the dogs... we tivo'd The West Wing and I watched that so life is good. Sometimes it's the little things that remind you that life isn't as bad as you thought it was.

    Saturday, April 15, 2006

    Which SuperHero are you?

    I was quite surprised though the runner up was Wonder Woman... that's not a shocker as I believe as a child there is a picture floating around of me in my wonderroos standing on my head in all my glory. No I won't be posting a picture of that!

    Your results:
    You are Spider-Man

    Wonder Woman
    The Flash
    Green Lantern
    Iron Man
    You are intelligent, witty,
    a bit geeky and have great
    power and responsibility.

    Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

    Friday, April 14, 2006

    Going with the flow?

    Sometimes it's okay to be quiet. Did I actually say that? If you asked my husband he'd tell you I'm NEVER quiet. That quiet and me means something bad is about to happen. However sometimes I have so many things going on in my mind that finding the words to put on the internet is just not possible.

    What do I want to tell you about? Some awesome books I've been reading, my new ebay purchase, a song I downloaded, a snoring dog, and well hell anything else I come up with.

    Lets start with the books... did I ever disclose that I'm a smut novel reader? By smut I mean bodice rippers, historical trashy romance... I do read other books as well, but these are pure pleasure.

    I read four in the last week... Yes, three.

    1. Sabrina Jeffries - Never Seduce a Scoundrel
    2. Eloisa James - The Taming of a Duke
    3. Stephanie Laurens - What Price is Love?
    4. Lisa Kleypas - Devil in Winter

    An odd book not in the beaten path is Marley and Me which is wonderful though I wish my husband would quit buying books that make me bawl my eyes out.

    My reason for reading romance is simple - I don't have to think to read it. I can just enjoy. It always ends happily and I can pretend that I'm the heroine... and my swashbuckling husband is a pirate... yes, I have a thing for pirates. It's a sad sad thing that occurred when I read my first trashy romance by Johanna Lindsey called A Gentle Rogue. I was 13. I was in science program for girls at U of M. Yes, I'm a geek.

    On to the ebay purchase... I've mentioned my scrapbooking, but did I mention I started stampin? Yes, I'm becoming quite the little crafter. I've been making cards. Well my ebay purchase was all of the stampin up stamp pads and a carrying case. It's coming from Hawaii - can we all say ouch on the shipping I paid. However by buying them through ebay even though they are the old style I saved approximately $200 which always makes the purchase a good thing in D's eyes.

    Now downloading songs... I don't generally do that. However there was this song I kept hearing every now and again. It's called "You're beautiful" by James Blunt. Now after reading the lyrics I'm going how can I enjoy this song he doesn't end up with the person he thinks is beautiful. Well my thoughts are this... sometimes the words don't mean a whole lot, I am enjoying the music, the flow of the notes - I think it could be without words and I would enjoy it. So we're listening to that at the moment.

    Snoring dogs - should have been plural as currently there are 3 sleeping dogs. On a side note my mom has started to give her dog Sadie xanax in the hopes of her chilling out during storms. It would be nice - the dog hyperventilates whenever a storm starts rolling through. It's quite annoying.

    Interviews- I swear they feel like inquisitions... when they asked me about attendance I wanted to respond with the only days I've missed have been due to miscarriages... but thought better of it.

    So what are you doing this weekend? Today (Saturday) I have in laws, my aunt and uncle and my mom having Easter dinner a day early. Sunday we're planning on doing some repairs to my mom's sewer pipes... not looking forward to that. D bought a new tool called a drain snake - hopefully that will get things functional. I had to point out to D and my mom that my dad maay not have used what "the septic guy" said he should of used, but it lasted 18 years and had passed inspection so it must not have been that big a deal. D just looked at me. (Dad used drainage pipe from the house to the septic field rather than drain pipe) slight difference. Okay a big difference but it worked. D finally looked at me and said you're right.

    So it's going to be nothing but fun fun fun here.

    Right now we're planning on Monday - if that changes will let you know. If I chicken out... will update. However I think we'll just go with the flow - oh wait that flow is stopped up at my mom's so we'll try to reroute the flow for a bit.

    Thursday, April 13, 2006

    Insane rantings at 9-10 dpo...

    Today Friday I'm 10 dpo... or at least my best guess is that I'm 10 dpo. I have yet to pee on a stick. Quit laughing I know. It's amazing. However my husband is going to drive me to drink. He wants to test.

    The one who said no more sticks... he wants to test. Can we all say Jackass? Seriously I was doing so well then he had to go and do that. Now all I want to do is go out to the nearest Walgreens and buy an EPT. Heck buy all the EPT's that the freakin pharmacy has and pee on them one by one.

    I just looked at my dear husband and said yeah uhmm NO. A girl has to have some dignity. I said I wouldn't. I'm not going to. Now he's asking if we can have the beta done earlier... he wanted big numbers... and he wants to test early. Boy we seriously have to work on edumacating this man. I thought I had done so well. He knows what numbers we're looking for... you'd think he'd realize that we're at a greater chance of getting those numbers if we wait a bit longer. Apparently all my little quirks went to him.

    Oh and to top it all off... one of my male coworkers who is married announced that his wife was pregnant - he of course came to ask me if a beta of 15 was a good number. I had to ask how many dpo... and it was an okay number for the time... and told him that you'd need to see what it did in 48 hours. Well it was 45 so yep he's pregnant... er his wife is. Their first month trying. I'm happy for him. I hope all goes well. I even figured out their due date for them. Yes, I make myself ill. He asked appropraite questions of me about infertility and why we were having so many difficulties... I explained and educated and that's about all I could do.

    Another of my coworkers had an egg retrieval done on Wednesday. I pray that IVF works for her and her husband... She's been trying a long time and we go to the same doctors. I want so badly for myself as well.

    And one of my best friends in real life is suffering from some horrific morning sickness. She's happy to be pregnant, but unfortunately feels miserable. I hope it passes quickly.

    Fortunately I'm still in that semi ambivalent this point if it happens great... if not great. I'd love to not have to spend Christmas at the in laws but highly doubt that would be possible. I couldn't get that lucky could I?

    Saturday, April 08, 2006

    Have to vs Would like to...

    One night down, four more to go. As always life at work is interesting. We'll leave it at that...

    Onward and upward right my friends? So what are you doing this weekend? Other than working I'm obsessing about beta days and trying to get my husband to understand what 13 dpo means. I may have to take him to the beta base so he can look at numbers and figure out which range he'd like to see. He said I'd like triple digit numbers... yeah uhmm sure - we haven't soon those since last June good luck with that.

    He had to leave early on Friday because he had been called to court. Want to know how this generally goes? He gets a subpeona, then he starts driving to the courthouse and then... he gets a call saying "Oh we don't need you" or "they took a plea". Yep, you guessed it this happened on Friday. They didn't need him. The kicker to me is that he called and spoke with the prosecutor and they told him he was needed on Thursday. Yet, less than 14 hours later they didn't. Thanks for f'ing with our lives. I guess it's just a part of the crap we have to deal with.

    Enough ranting... now tell me what you know about lawns? We moved into our home about a year ago. So lawn wise - we don't have one (yes, I'll take a picture so you can see my lawn of weeds). Anyways... D wants to put in a lawn. I don't. Want to know why? I don't want to have to mow it. I'm not trying to impress anyone - I hate gardening. I have a black thumb. I'm a pale girl (ghost like even) why would I want to be out in the sun? I have visions of us putting in a lawn and ME having to take care of it. Right now a good majority of household chores fall to me as I'm the one lives in the house the most... by live I mean sleep. I don't want another chore.

    Am I being lazy? Yes... Yes I am. Am I bothered by that? No. I have other things I HAVE to do. Lawn care is not on my HAVE to do list. It's on my would be nice to have only if husband is actually living full time with me list. This also includes building a deck, painting, and cleaning the basement. D doesn't understand. His words are that a lawn would only need to be mowed once a week. I somehow see this as me mowing the lawn... I hate mowing lawn. We have no lawn mower.

    For once I'm being the penny pincher... I'm waiting for bills to come in from the RE's office that have been rejected by our insurance. I know it's a matter of time. I go to the mailbox with dread every day because I know it's going to happen... eventually. Hopefully not soon though. I'd like to squirrel away a bit more money first. Yes, I'm greedy... I have visions of what if this actually works then how are we going to pay for x, y, z...

    Ah the fantasy land of the two week wait... yes, it's driving me nuts and I'm only 4 dpo so lets see how I am come next week... This could be interesting. Wish me luck!

    Thursday, April 06, 2006

    Hodge Podge and Catch Up

    First - images of D and my mom standing at the coffee pot are pretty accurate. If you also imagined banging on this vapor locked coffee machine you'd be pretty much up to date. It even got put in the freezer in the hopes it would release so they could try again. I amazingly enough (the not mechanically inclined wife/daughter) was able to get their coffee machine open. D kissed me... hard... and said with sparkling eyes "I LOVE YOU!" Then immediately cleaned the coffee machine and put a new pod in to make his coffee. If you imagine me shaking my head - you'd be right. So that's the story of the coffee monster er monsters that I get to live with. Fortunately I love them and have become very adept at making them their single serve coffee if I'm up and about. It's primarily my mom that I do this for.

    Now this week has been interesting to say the least... I have much news bubbling under the surface. Involving septic tanks, springing leaks, heartbeats, interviews, thoughts of when to beta, finding lost CD's and well good old fashioned exhaustion. I'll try to keep posting, but I go back to work tonight and will work each night until Wednesday morning. I'm not sure when I'm going to do a beta. I know that leaves a lot of people wondering, but I'm going to try and let D decide. The 4 days I have in mind are dependent on where we are at that time. The RE's office likes for the betas to be done at the same lab. So after Easter I'd have to do either Mon, Wed or Thur, Sat... I'm not sure what I'll do and I'm not sure D knows what he wants to do. I just know that next week when we leave to go to my mom's I won't be bringing any hpt's with me - and that is almost a miracle!

    On a sad note - a childhood friend of D's Mom is ill. Right now they aren't exactly certain what is going on as she's got multiple health problems, but hypertension (high blood pressure) seems to be her biggest symptom as well as a headache that won't go away. (yes, I know the headache could be a sign of the bp) The point is prayers are welcome. I've met this woman and she's so very nice and kind - almost too kind, but I've found that this woman is genuine. So prayers are appreciated that K's mom makes a swift recovery and that they find out why this is happening.

    Now on with the show!

    I get these emails called daily inspiration every day (hence daily) anyways the last couple days have yielded some interesting thoughts... this one popped up in my email this morning.

    Quote of the Day
    "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." – Peter Marshall

    Yesterday's was... "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."– Franklin D. Roosevelt

    And then the day before was... "You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result."– Mahatma Gandhi

    Okay so I'd rather be like diamonds and be formed under pressure, but I think I'm already diamond like right? As for the trying something - we're definitely doing that... and then I do like the last one of if you don't try there will be no result. Well we're definitely all for trying because darnit we like results.

    Anyways the point is that I don't know that I'll ever be able to just give up. It's not in my nature to do so. Even if this cycle doesn't work we'll most likely try something new... just not with injectables- not right now. We'll talk to the RE, but we've managed to get pregnant without drugs how about do the old fashioned thing and just try with the progesterone after ovulation. If it works great... if not then that's fine as well - but that's my next step or plan as it is... (I always have to have a plan during the two week wait).

    While this month I responded much better than I did last month a part of me is nervous that this won't work. I say nervous because financially we've already said that we can't try anything more invasive until we've built up our savings. Savings is not my forte' it's my husband's, but to build up our savings that means me picking up extra shifts and to be honest... I don't WANT to work more. Mentally my profession can be exhausting... and the thought of increasing my mental exhaustion just makes me go run to the bedroom and cover up with covers for the interim. So what is the solution? What's my plan?

    There isn't one. Sometimes you don't have a solution. Sometimes all you have is find a way to keep on going on and that's all you can do. Surviving is not admitting defeat it's just that surviving to come back another day and fight the good fight. I'm not defeated, I'm not a quitter, I'm just a woman with a wonderful husband, a cooky mother, 3 wonderful dogs that knows that most things in life that truly are wonderful don't come easily. To know that most things in life don't come easily all I have to do is look at my past.

    I met my husband when I was about to give up on finding love. We've managed to survive the odds - living a weird wacky way of 3 hours apart and we're going through all of this losses in 1 year and we're still okay. My relationship with my mom - hasn't always been smooth, in fact it's been rocky. Now we have a great relationship - she loves my husband and respects both of us. 3 wonderful dogs - well 90% of the time they're wonderful the other 10% they're driving us nuts - but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

    Easy is just not a part of who I am. So why should I expect that having a baby would be "easy". I don't. I went into this rat race with my eyes wide open, and slowly I had to open my husbands to the fact that this might not be easy. It hasn't, but we're still together, we still love one another, and we still want to keep trying. So we'll keep trying, and if we fail, we'll keep trying.

    Wednesday, April 05, 2006

    Coffee Monster...

    First and foremost... I don't drink coffee... I haven't drank coffee in a long long time. Never been real big on it, but a year and a half ago I gave up caffeine. I rarely (meaning once ever 3 or 4 months) get a decaf skim white chocolate mocha... but I'm definitely not the coffee drinker of the house. I'm definitely more a cookie monster than a coffee monster.

    That would mean that D is. When we first met D was a maxwell house kind of guy. Now we've created a monster. My loving husband has 3 coffee pots that he has gotten since we got married. The first was a shower gift - he registered for it and was like a kid in a candy store when he opened it. The second is a Senseo One to One single cup coffee maker that he got for a very reasonable price by taking a picture of how he'd dispose of his drip coffee maker. The third showed up last week. I shook my head at this point and believe yelled "Why do we need another coffee maker?" This one is a Keurig B50 kcup single serve coffee brewer. His response... but look I saved us x number of dollars by going with this deal and you don't have to buy me a Bunn My Pod coffee maker for Christmas (like I would have but seriously).

    My husband - scrooge mcduck... is now a coffee snob! Maxwell house is not good enough for his finicky pallate... no we've got coffee pods by flava pod (now flavor pod), baronnet, melitta, etc... we have k-cups by green mountain coffee. He even now surfs the message boards regarding single serve coffee. While initially shocked by all this... I've now grown to accept it. I'm the treasurer of this relationship so we discuss before we buy anything out of the ordinary... $75 dollars worth of coffee is out of the ordinary... So if he goes for my scrapbook stuff I tend to let him get his coffee stuff. It's a fair trade right? It also has gotten him off my case about my internet usage and has significantly decreased his xbox time.

    So am I creating a coffee monster? I'm not sure, I think he created himself. The unfortunate part is that we now have two coffee monsters in my mom's house... she now has a Senseo single serve and my husband and her decided to make their own pods to use up their old coffee.

    Imagine if you will my mother - who doesn't wake up pretty putting in this pod. The coffee maker not spitting out their nectar of the gods fix at 4 a.m in the morning. Then the coffee maker sealing itself and not allowing them to get the coffee pod out to try and make another cup of coffee. I've seen this happen a couple of times. It took the Senseo about 3 days to break the vacuum lock on the bugger. It was a LONG 3 days. I thought the two coffee monsters were going to go out and buy another coffee maker. I'm still quite surprised that they didn't. Fortunately most of those bugs have been worked out. They've learned how to prevent that from occurring. I just pity the fools that get between them and their morning cup of coffee. It's not pretty what could result.

    Tuesday, April 04, 2006

    Varying Degrees

    I have a lot of blogs that I read on a fairly regular basis. One of them is Dino - Frozen Not Fossilized who recently posted about pain. It made me think. In a good way.

    One of the things I try not to do is compare my pain to someone elses. It just isn't possible. As a nurse I follow Margo McCaffery's (1968) definition of pain: "Pain is whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does... So by that definition my 5 may be another person's 10.

    I can't even begin to explain as a nurse how frustrating that definition is, but it is what it is. What is supposed to happen when someone is in pain? It is supposed to be treated. How do you treat the emotional pain of pregnancy loss, infertility, etc? There's no easy answer for that. Some would say alcohol, others therapy, blogs, friendships, etc.

    A few months ago a friend was hurt by my optimism... Both of us had been ttc for a while.. she longer than I. Her way of coping was much different than my way of coping. Words were said, feelings were hurt as is generally the case and eventually we got over it. That's what friends do.

    What my friend didn't realise until I told her was that my optimism was my treatment for my own pain. The only person that knew that at the time was my husband. Even he was becoming Mr. Optimistic... (he generally is Mr. Pessimistic so a small miracle was taking place). He knew that for me to feel okay with all that we had been through I had to stay optimistic, that eventually things would go our way.

    I couldn't focus on the facts - that we've been praying, trying etc to get him a job over by our house for the past 2.5 years, that we'd been trying to have a baby for almost a year and all we had to show for it was a few pictures of positive pregnancy tests and the diagnosis of habitual aborter. These facts I'm ignoring and will continue to do so for a while longer. I know they're there. I'm fine with that, but they won't ever stay in the fore front of my life.

    To do that would just not be me... instead I'll focus on 3 years of knowing and loving a wonderful man and that even with all the losses every time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test we've had hope and optimism - even for a brief few minutes that feeling is something to treasure.

    This month we've triggered and sometime in a little over 2 weeks or so we'll know whether this worked or not. Until then I'm going to go treat whatever pain I have with optimism and hope that this worked... I hope that whatever pain has brought you here is treated by whatever you find comfort in. I also hope I haven't caused you more pain with my optimism. If I have I'm sorry, but at least now you know why there's generally a lot of optimism around here. It's my drug of choice... now if only I could bottle that. I think Optimism and Hope would be wonderful drugs and my wish for you is that you take a little bit of the two of those. No matter what your story is... everyone deserves Hope and Optimism.

    Monday, April 03, 2006

    Definitely on the Bad Grand Kids List

    We recently (okay it was last night) went over to his parents house. Normally we go over about every other weekend and the visits go smoothly (when we're not educating them about the wrongs in the family). Well... this weekend Grandma was there.

    In a previous post I elluded to Grandma... Well Grandma doesn't give you the warm squishy vibe. We have 1 picture of Grandma at our wedding and we've heard stories of Grandma's diatribe at our wedding reception regarding the food choices we made. She basically sat at a table with an angry look on her face the whole reception.

    Well the last visit D had with Grandma he pretty much got on the "Bad Grandkid" list. We were pretty sure we were not yet off the list... When I walked in the temperature drop was almost palpable. I believe it became about a nice chilly 40 degrees in the house. Grandma said nothing to me, not hi, not kiss my butt. I said hi to MIL and ran the hell out of the house to find D and fil.

    Now I don't like to cause problems with my husband's family - they just naturally occur. As D and I get more comfortable in our relationship and our "family" we've come to a few conclusions. If you don't like us that's fine, don't come around, don't pretend - we'll do the same. Which is why we'll not be going to any group birthdays out at Grandma's anymore. We'll go to the obligatory Thanksgiving and Christmas, but other than that they're on their own. This is our family policy. It is not reserved just for D's family - but also mine. It's a blanket policy and we've so far very pleased with it. I think we need to tell Grandma of our new policy ;)

    Anyways so dinner is served and Grandma literally does not say anything at the dinner table. Normally conversations flow pretty easily at the in laws. Last night it was pretty silent. Everyone just stared at their plates and ate dinner.

    Later on I looked at D and said - "Do you think it was something you said last time?" Because last time D told her that her one felon of a grandson was lucky that he hadn't had to serve more time... And that her son was a low life thief who was stealing from his grandkids. D started laughing... To the point that fil asked what we were laughing about. We didn't clue him in... Yet.

    We had all 3 dogs with us last night and well one weird thing that keeps happening whenever Lola is around Grandma is... If Grandma stands up... Lola starts barking, growling, snarling, spitting. She does this also to my brother the jack ass and his wife. We've concluded that Lola has good taste in people. Lola did this behavior last night. We initially thought it was from noise that Ernie had made laying down on the floor, however when I went to find her she was focused solely on Grandma, barking spitting, hair standing up on her back just a growling. I grabbed her and then handed her to D... And said it's your Grandma she's upset about. D whispered in her ear... "Good girl"

    On the car ride home we talked about the events. D called Grandma's behavior 2 year old like... And that she was a spiteful mean old woman. He also gave Lola a lick of ice cream for her behavior. Somehow I don't see us coming off the list anytime soon... However what she doesn't know is she's on ours as well and that this visit kind of sealed the deal on that one for us.

    Sunday, April 02, 2006

    If you risk nothing... nothing is gained.

    So... I think I stopped the story at the point where I went to work. I work 12 hour shifts so 7p-7a. Well it was the end of my stretch at work and it was a particularly crappy night. Everyone wanted to go out in the morning for breakfast/adult beverages. So I went out and had a drink and some breakfast and then thought holy crap I'm going home to a cop at my house... I can't drink and drive! So I stayed a while longer and sobered up some more (not that I was drunk it was 1 drink, but still just in case).

    When I got home D was sitting on the couch - Chance was pacing frantically. Apparently Chance just was not thrilled with me not being home at the appropriate time. When I got home D and I talked for quite a while... me with no sleep tends to be a rambling girl. He and I just talked... about our past relationships what they were like, what went wrong, etc... what we were looking for now... I learned a lot about him that day and he learned a lot about me. I tend to be an open book - even more of an open book when sleep deprived and with alcohol in my system.

    Fortunately I didn't freak him out too badly as he didn't run screaming out of the house. At some point I'm sure I went to sleep and then we got up and went out to dinner with the mutual friend L. We had a great time, we went out to TGI Friday's and just had a great time, great meal, great drinks, etc. I think L knew something was up with the two of us, but she didn't ask questions. She was hoping we'd hit it off... and fortunately we did.

    After L went home we stayed up talking again... eventually we kissed. Now I'm not much on a kiss meaning something, but that was the first kiss that left me with a feeling down to my toes that it was right. He's the only guy I've ever kissed with a mustache - and initially I'm sure I blamed it on that, but there was this spark... and I'm not generally cheesy, but it just felt so right. Not that he's the best kisser or that I am, but that kiss was perfect and I knew this was the guy I was meant to be with. I of course did not disclose this information to D and spent most of the night convincing myself that what I felt was a fluke... which of course meant I had to kiss him again! That feeling was still there and it left me very conflicted about what to do...

    The next day D had to leave to go back to the other side of the state... we made arrangements for D to see me on my stretch off on Monday at my parents house. On my way into work I called and talked to my dad. I told him about D and that I thought this might be the one. My dad - was quite surprised by this news as I had never called and said something like that to him before. While he was reserving judgment... my dad gave me this advice. "If you risk nothing, then nothing is gained. If this guy is the one you'll know and he'll love you for the person that you are - the good, the bad, and the ugly as well as the beautiful." So he basically left me with a lot of thinking... which me and thinking is never a good thing.

    D and I talked on the phone and emailed until Monday came. D was terrified that my parents wouldn't approve. He was going to be spending the night at my parents house. My dad got to love him was of the "You're an adult" opinion... so D stayed the night in my room, and he met my parents and I met his, and we talked...

    I have to interject here that I had a personal rule that I never broke... that rule was "Never say I love you first." Bottom line the guy had to say it first. I wanted so badly to break that rule. I had never had those feelings so quickly or had them feel so strong before in my life and they were constantly on the tip of my tongue... Thank goodness I didn't have to break my rule... after much coaxing D said the words. He also said this is too fast, I know we should slow down, etc etc. We talked, we cried, we kissed but saying those words made my heart leap.

    Some of our friends and some family (mostly his) felt we were rushing things... we didn't feel that way - we still don't. We feel as if we've known each other forever. When I reminded D of what yesterday was - he laughed and said I've known you for 10 years just because you don't remember me doesn't mean I've forgotten!

    D is many things to me, he's my best friend. He knows me better than many of my oldest friends do. He knows on a level that they can't even begin to understand because he gets to see me without any of my barriers... he knows my weaknesses, and he knows my strengths. He loves me for the good, the bad, and the ugly and he treasures the beautiful. I'm fortunate that that April 1st when he knocked on my door that I recognized there was something there. That my preconceived notions of what I wanted in a guy (tall - D's 5'8", dark - he's got light brown hair, handsome - he is that) didn't matter anymore. When I looked into his eyes I knew that this guy was special. I'm glad that I recognized it and didn't let him slip away.

    We said those 3 magic words less than 2 weeks into our new relationship... we got engaged 9 months after we met. We were married 17 months after we met. Some said we were rushing it - some thought we were getting married because we were pregnant (stop laughing it could have been the case, but it wasn't!)... I prefer to think that we were making up for lost time - we'd met 9 years prior to all of this and had missed the opportunity then. Sometimes God has a wonderful way of making things work out... I never dreamed I'd marry a cop that worked in my hometown while living 3 hours away, but I did and I am so very glad that I did.

    He's definitely been worth the risk especially for all that I've gained.

    Saturday, April 01, 2006

    Parallels Part 2

    After making everyone feel horribly depressed with my last couple posts... I have good news... but first I have a story for you...

    Have I ever told you how D and I met? My last post focused on how my parents met... well D and I have a similar incident but no I was not drunk, did not steal a boyfriends car and did not end up in a ditch with D towing my butt out of it. So there are two ways to look at how D and I met... I choose the second... He always mentions the first.

    I count our second meeting the one where we end up together as our first... D counts the original meetings when we were 16 or 17... he has a picture he can prove that we met. I on the other hand do not remember him.

    I know that's horrible. I have no recollection of meeting him. At the time I assume I was so "in love" with a boy or so "busy" being a teenager that I was just too self centered to notice him. He says I was perfectly nice, but "andy's girl" or "clayton's friend." Both of these things are true. I'm in his senior year book... he sat at the table I did when I went to prom with Clayton... and I have no memory of him. Still feeling slightly guilty about this... I really felt awful when I was shown the picture that we're in together... I'm such a knob for not remembering him. But in my defense he looked WAY different back then than he does now... he was scrawny back then... and his hair was weird.

    Anyways today marks a special occasion... 3 years ago today D showed up at my house... we'd been emailing back and forth talking about a mutual friend. We had plans to celebrate this mutual friend's birthday which was the 1st. I of course had to work that night, but we'd all go out on the 2nd.

    So... 3 years ago today D knocked on my door... and fell into my life. I didn't know it at the time that we'd end up together. I thought hmm he's kind of cute. I like his eyes. I hope he takes good care of Chance while I'm gone.

    We talked, I gave him a key to my house so he could go out and about and still be able to get back in and off I went to work. Leaving someone I had emailed and talked on the phone with alone in my house with my dog... Fortunately D came with good references or I wouldn't have allowed him to stay at my house.

    I may have viewed D initially as a fling... Shhhhh don't tell him that - though since I usually suffer from diarrhea of the mouth I'm sure I've probably disclosed that to him as well (I think on the first date!)

    Stay tuned for the details of our second day this is where things get interesting...