Sunday, October 30, 2005

Commuter marriages and our gorgeous puppies!

Lets see if I haven't made all your cynical hearts melt with tales of my husband I seriously do not know what will.... but maybe a picture of Lola, Chance and Ernie will... can we all say we have absolutely gorgeous puppies? Currently Ernie (the big blue Weimaraner is curled up next to me... while Lola (the little chocolate and tan doxie) is laying belly up on the electric blanket beside me...

Yesterday found us (meaning the 3 pups, Dan and I) at his parents for dinner... my vegetarian tendencies were of course only appeased with peas as Dan's parents are beef and potatoes kind of people... So I ate peas and pasta... I - being the best dil they could ever dream of have invited them to our house for Thanksgiving (okay so Dan's an only child so I'm the only dil they've ever had but geez I am great!)... I should also add that the likelihood of them showing up is slim... because my mil LOVES her family and spends as much time with them as possible. Dan and I refer to the land that the family owns and lives within a quarter of a mile of each other as "The Compound" and like to avoid family gatherings as dealing with individuals that lack motivation and any sort of knowledge really really really makes our heads hurt... and what would I do with my in laws if they actually showed up for turkey day? Send my mil off with my mother and my fil off with my husband... like a good wife would do. I should also say that we've been mentioning this to them for at least two months and have yet to get a definite answer...

I had high high hopes of being pregnant by then, but I doubt it at this point... and we would not be anywhere near a "safe" point to tell - meaning the end of the first trimester... So on the upside if they do come I can drink heavily and not care that they are in my house.

Some may wonder how hubby and I do this whole weird living situation... we have a house on the other side of the state... my job is on the other side of the state... Dan's job is on this side of the state and he lives with my mom while he's working with the two youngest dogs (Ernie and Lola)... Chance lives with me when I'm working... some may wonder why... Well cop jobs are not plentiful and Dan has free insurance for the both of us... yep you read it FREE... we pay NOTHING and it covers just about everything... I currently am finding out what kind of infertility coverage it has as that will decide whether or not I keep my insurance which is crappy. We do this mainly because he just can't seem to find a job over on the other side of the state. I offered when we first started dating, and again after my dad died, and again before we bought our house... and each time I was met with "No, I like it on the other side of the state and it will happen eventually." Well 2 years going and it hasn't happened yet...

On the upside even with these kind of odds - I work 6 nights in a row then have 8 nights off and he works 5 in a row then has 2 off we somehow manage to spend enough time together to almost always hit our "peak fertile" time... however as my husband would point out... "We're f'd up." So that's our story in a nutshell... why we do the commuter marriage so to speak... not by choice, but because we have to...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Fashion Show - My Engagement Story

Having become familiar with various blogs I decided to join in the 2nd Annual Fashion Show. I'm hoping I post a picture... of my engagement ring, however that will occur later on.

As most know Mr. P and I met originally when we were 16... he remembers me, I don't remember him. However there are pictures to say that we did indeed meet. A mutual friend reintroduced us in March/April of 2003 and it was wham hit you up side the head instant connection. So much so that I almost caved and said "I love you." First... which is something I've NEVER ever even considered doing.

Fast forward to November of 2003 and you have my mom giving my then boyfriend the ring... It was my grandmother's and I absolutely adore it in it's simplicity and the fact that it fit me. So I knew eventually Mr. P would get around to asking... I thought for sure Christmas... nope... New Years? Nope... an aunt's funeral... NOPE! By this time I'm pretty frustrated, have already bought a dress on ebay and sold that dress and bought another dress... I have told my father that darnit when is he going to propose. I've proposed in the shower with him responding back with... "You need to ask my parents for permission." My response "The cat said it was okay - she'd like me to be her new step mommy..." I've snooped through emails in the hopes of finding out how and when and all that jazz... and nothing. The man has become like Fort Knox... he's not saying when and just that "It's his job" to propose...

So... by this time it's February 8 and we're celebrating Valentine's day early. I'm exhausted and truthfully could care less about what we're supposed to be doing. We take a shower... and I'm farting around in the shower... by the way I've slept the whole day away and truthfully did not want to get out of bed. Mr. P has been courteous and allowed me to sleep keeping kitty and Chance out of the room. Well I finally get out of the shower and Mr. P has apparently been busy to the point that the lights are off, candles are lit, and there's a gift waiting for me on the bed. (I had given Mr. P his V day card earlier in the day). It's a treasure chest. So I open the treasure chest and there's a message in a bottle... and it says "Now the time is right. Will you marry me?" I started laughing... and said "It's about time, you big dummy." and gave him a big ole kiss... he got the ring out and got down on one knee and asked again. We chose a date of September 18, 2005 and on our way to Port Huron, MI to celebrate we called and let our parents know the news. My father was ecstatic. He started planning things right away and had a good majority of the arrangments made by the time he passed away suddenly in March. He knew for 1 month and a few days that his daughter was marrying the man of her dreams.


Found Mr. P and I getting ready at my mom's house. We didn't do the usual of staying away from one another... at that point in our relationship we were pretty much in each other's pockets - we still are. We did the majority of the work for our wedding - decorations, invitations, set up and take down, etc. So our wedding day dawned with the two of us going to the reception hall and making sure everything was set up and the caterer was in and the cake was beautiful. That afternoon found Mr. P with his 2 best women at Dairy Queen having his bachelor party and downing some ice cream to get him through the event. It found me trying to keep my mom from losing it that my father wouldn't be at my wedding...

We arrive at the church... about 15 minutes before we're supposed to be there... and my veil breaks... my niece doesn't want to get in her flower girl dress because "IT'S ITCHY" My best friend sews my veil to my head piece and the minister wants to say a prayer and stay on time while meltdown is occurring in the bride's room... apparently he couldn't hear my 4 year old niece throwing her fit. After telling him to give us a few more minutes and his response of I'll give you 3... I almost walked out of the church. If there would have been another minister in the church I would have. I was so upset that I couldn't get 5 seconds to take a breath... but all was a blur after the prayer, and the music, and having my uncle walk me down the aisle to marry my husband, and the minister making jokes about the fact that I'm not always the easiest to deal with... and am independent and stubborn...

My wedding ring is custom made to match my engagement ring. It was also made from the diamonds in my dad's wedding ring. We love the two together... so yes we are sentimental saps... but that's okay I can always look at my rings and feel my grandma and my dad... and my husband because that's what's wrapped up in them.

It wasn't how I always dreamed it would be... I wasn't a size 6, my dad didn't walk me down the aisle, and I didn't have a laid back minister... but it was my wedding and I'd do it all over again to marry my wonderful husband... in a heart beat. This man loves me unconditionally as I love him, he brings out the best that is in me and he understands me like no other has... and he loves my parents - even though my dad is no longer with us he speaks of him frequently and he takes care of my mom... he's my other half and I am so happy that I found him...

There are no regrets, just wishes of how it could have been if only - we would have met and fell in love at 16 rather than at 25...

So go to and enjoy the fashion show...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Crying at the drop of a hat? WTF?

Lets see I can't really come up with great additions to my subject lines... If I haven't emotionally raped you with my tale of my father than I don't know what will... By the way I'm sorry for not putting a warning on that post... as reading it brings me to tears... okay so actually a lot of things bring me to tears. I'm not unhappy, it's just apparently that faucet hasn't quite gotten shut off completely. I was reading about the musical "Infertility" Yes... yes there's a musical called "infertility" stop laughing... and the author wrote a note and I just started tearing up... My husband has caught me crying while reading magazines like epregnancy - yes I know I'm not pregnant YET... key word YET... I can save them for later...

So what's up with this new sentimental Sam? I have no clue... and anyone that says "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" Will be shot... as I haven't even ovulated yet and this has been going on for months... meaning more than 2... Maybe in my old age (twentysomething) I've finally found out that it's okay to cry... generally crying is reserved for times when I am v v angry... or I'm reading something that makes me sad... I never never cry at work (which I was reading something and I started crying - just quietly a few tears and I'm done kind of deal) no clue... Seriously I have no idea... apparently this whole ttc thing has melted that heart of mine. Not that certain things haven't caused me to cry - Father & Daughter by Paul Simon will always make me cry but in a good way... I always feel warm when I hear that song or sing it in my head... and the book God Gave Us You made me cry... maybe I've just become a sap... not sure...

Oh yes and on the news front I bought the tcoyf software I think it's called ovusoft... and I LOVE IT!!! I also bought the virtual pc for mac and will be installing it... can we all say thank you ebay... and somehow I managed to win an EKG rapid interpretation book for 6 bucks... which it's normally like 30+ so yeah... shopping nothing but goodness for the soul.

Oh yes and stay tuned for... on the 29th of October I will be joining in on a runway show of engagements... I will try to include pictures... and links to the other women that are participating...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

6:04 pm... I'm gonna watch you shine...

The past week has been up and down... Down because my best friend's pregnancy ended - most likely a chemical pregnancy and my heart breaks for her... and it has found me stuck to my computer trying to edit my wedding photos and upload them to a website so that I can finally order pictures for our families from our wedding - Yes, I've been married for over a year and yes I'm just getting around to this... so sue me.

I have this ambitious dream of getting this done and then of actually making a scrap book out of the pictures for my mother and mother in law... so I can get the daughter of the year award... (Quit laughing... it could happen in theory)

However looking at the photos triggered something for me... That there was one person that was missing and that no amount of editing would put him in the picture. That person was my dad. He died March 12, 2004... a month after I became engaged. In that month's time he planned my wedding - or at least took care of a good majority of it and managed to blab all over the county about his daughter getting married and how happy he was about it and how much he loved his future son in law. i still remember the last time we - meaning my parents, myself and my then fiance went to church and my dad introduced Dan as his son. I doubt Dan remembers it... but I do. My dad was very proud of my choice. I am too - so if I ever post of my husband being an ass - my dad would understand, but he would probably also remind me that Dan's human...

Anyway - my dad's death left a hole... a hole that nothing has seemed to fill. My father in law is a nice guy but he totally doesn't get me. My dad got me. He totally got me. In the last year of his life he would always be there for a phone call from me in the morning when I was coming home from work and was tired. He probably only heard a quarter of the conversation as he was deaf as a post, but he listened and he responded every now and then and asked questions and let me vent. He said goodnight and I love you whenever we hung up the phone. Not to say that my dad and I always got along because we didn't. My husband witnessed my dad and I having an argument over my sister and my mom... he walked away... Why? Why would a cop walk away when two people he cares about are arguing? Because he had never witnessed me raise my voice like that or my dad do the same... and in the end we hugged each other, gave one another a kiss and moved on.

I still remember the phone call from my mom... I was just hopping on US 131 southbound to head to work and returned my mom's call. I thought she was exaggerating... I prayed she was exaggerating, but I called work talked to Sally O... and had already gotten off the highway and was headed back to my house to grab Chance... and I thought to grab a black dress... just in case. Sometimes being a trauma nurse sucks... I then sped towards the other highway to get my ass home... and tried to frantically reach Dan... when I finally did he headed towards the hospital...

I still remember listening to the music that I wanted played for the father-daughter dance - "Father & Daughter" by Paul Simon from the Wild Thornberry movie... and talking to myself... saying "Dad if you have to go it's okay... I understand... and I know you wouldn't go if you didn't feel I would be okay." and I got pulled over. Why?

Well I was speeding... quite fast... I had Chance in the car barking, I was crying and I immediately pulled over and got the license and registration and told the officer "I'm on my way to Marlette to see if my father is alive or dead." That was the first time I uttered those words... dead and my father in the same sentence. The officer came back shortly thereafter and gave me a ticket and made me promise him that I would drive safely. About a minute later I called my fiance... and he didn't want to talk to me... kept pretending that the phone connection was crappy... I had to resort to asking questions like... "Does he have a pulse." I finally had to say "It's okay if you tell me he's dead. I'm okay I just need to know now." He confirmed that my dad had just been pronounced. He didn't want to give me that news. He knew just how much it would hurt me.

I still remember the phone calls I made... to work to tell them... to my best friends... and then I had to debate about whether or not to call my siblings... because my one brother and one sister were estranged from my family. I remember listening to that song... "Father & Daughter" over and over and over during the 2+ hour drive. I remember crying the whole way there... and thinking I have to be strong for my mom - which I did... I took care of everything... the funeral arrangements, the social security, the life insurance, the health insurance, my mom...

I remember arriving and coming in and seeing my estranged brother and his wife... and seeing red. Red because he didn't have the decency to see his father when he was alive, yet had the audacity to see him when he was dead. I remember talking with the paramedics and learning what had been done for my dad...I remember asking for a minute alone with my dad and no one really giving it to me but finally... they did... and touching him... he was still warm and I found that so odd... he was warm throughout... I still don't know if someone put a warm blanket on him or what the deal was, but his body was still warm and to me that was odd... and I remember asking the nurse a friend of my husband's about the time of death and finding out that the ticket I received and my dad's time of death were the exact same time. I think everyone got a chill up their spine. It was my dad's last little reminder to me... to slow my ass down...

So what's the point of all this... I don't know. I had to get this out... I relive it frequently... I relive my wedding day and how it "should" have been... I do look at my wedding day as a day with someone missing, I'd do it all over again to marry my husband... but it would have been so much better if he would have been there...

Fortunately I know he knew just how much I loved him... we had that kind of relationship... and I have no regrets, but that he would have lived to see a grandchild from me and that he would have been at my wedding... but these words Father & Daughter mean a lot to me...

My wedding did not include a father/daughter dance... I couldn't do it... my uncle was kind enough to walk me down the aisle, but I just couldn't put a substitute in and listen to that song play... it was too fresh... too raw... it still seems at time to be that way... and I don't know if it'll ever get any easier... I know he's always with me, but it's just not the same... my dad was supposed to be there for my wedding... and he was supposed to be there when I had a baby... those two events were something I dreamed of and talked about and they always included him being there for them... and if we ever have a daughter... I'm going to play this song for her and her father... and hope it makes them shine...

Father & Daughter by Paul Simon

If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You cant remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I cant guarantee
Theres nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
Its just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you get a bite
But you dont need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Poor Puppy

We did it... We were responsible pet owners and took little Lola in to be spayed... or as my mother is referring to it her hysterectomy. My fil has called it depriving her of her right to reproduce. Hubby left her at the vets and came home and hugged me and said "She looked at me like why are you leaving me here daddy?" It apparently broke his heart. So fast forward to this afternoon... we actually got sleep - I'm not sure who gave drugs to Ernie -but thank you... he slept- so in turn we slept...

We go to the vets and pick up our little munchkin who is frigid... she's so cold that hubby turns on the car and the heat and grabs a blanket. It took us filling a sock with rice and nuking it in the microwave to get her body heat up to normal... So now Lola is with her father and has her little rice sock and he's going to be checking on her frequently.

And I'm sitting at home watching a show called Electric Orgasms on the Discovery Health Network... boy if this orgasmitron works wouldn't that be nice? Turn a machine on and vroom vroom... definitely sounds like a good thing. 3 English women are signing up for this trial... the sad part is that I'm watching it engrossed - and I don't really have a problem with this issue... I feel very bad for the women who have sexual dysfunction.. this first lady poor gal just doesn't seem to get it in the right area - and she's crying and I just feel so sad for her. It's nice to know that physicians are actually taking a chance and working on this area of science.

So what was the point of this post... to be truthful I'm not sure. Right now we're in a holding pattern so to speak on the ttc bandwagon... I'm engrossed with my best friend's pregnancy and have spent a lot of time just praying that things go well. For myself - my husband and I have talked... we're okay right now... we'll keep trying for as long as both of us wants to keep trying. We've talked about the possibility of IUI's and IVF's and adoption... all 3 of these things we are open to. We'll move on to the next step when we need to. Hopefully we will never need to, but at least we've talked about the what if's... and for me that makes me feel better.

On some level I feel like a failure... but then I look at my husband and realize it's a 50/50 deal here - we each contribute... so it could be me, it could be him... either way we're in it together. And in the end... that's the part that matters. So we carry on... trudging ahead... and hoping that soon one of these days I can change this from a maybe baby to baby blog... it'll happen... I just have to be patient.

Sensitivity of pregnancy tests...

Don't worry I haven't been peeing on any pregnancy tests at least for a week - maybe even two... but here's the deal. The "listed" sensitivities of those buggers is so not accurate. Those things are way more sensitive than they let on. My favorites for big dark positives... EPT and Equate... get rave reviews in my opinion because those buggers were obvious with a beta hcg of 17 and 20... so those get my vote of confidence.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Monday, October 17, 2005


My best friend got her results... Thursday's were 30, Monday's were 41... can we all say FUCK!!!!!

I can't come up with something positive to say to my best friend. I'm just praying... praying that the statistics are wrong and that things will be okay. I love her and she's my best friend and she's like my sister and damnit she doesn't deserve to have to ride this freaking roller coaster again.

It's not that I don't think she can handle the roller coaster- she has, but it's time to get off this particular ride and end up on the nice ferris wheel rather than the rocky roller coaster. She deserves a happy ending... hell we all deserve a happy ending.

In my dreams this is how things go...
My bf and I are sitting down talking... gabbing away about things... our husbands are watching the puppy dogs (she has 2 and I have 3)... we're chatting about her moving back to Michigan... and how it's so great that somehow we managed to get pregnant together... with due dates that are like a week apart... and healthy pregnancies... and we're both happy... almost hysterically so. That dream will happen one day... hopefully soon.

Right now I'm going back to praying... I hope the lab just screwed up the results... I pray that they were a fluke...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A line!

Don't get your hopes up this post has nothing to do with me... and everything to do with my best friend. She's been ttc for over a year. She's got endo, has had a recent miscarriage in May and it really took a hell of a lot out of her. And she finally got a line... God willing in 9 months she will have her little miracle. I'm ecstatic for her. Both my husband and I are ecstatic for her. I've written before that if I had only 1 magic pill that would allow a person to become pregnant I would give it to her. It's true... she's my best friend... she's my sister and I so know that she will be an excellent mom. So if anyone is reading - say a prayer up for my best friend. I want her to have an uneventful 9 months... nothing but happiness and on a sappy note - go look at the children's book "God Gave You to Us" it'll make you cry - but in a good way...

Monday, October 10, 2005


Can we all jump for joy? Yes... yes... ladies and gentleman the period has finally arrived and she brought along her sister BFN! I'm relieved. I've scheduled the endometrial biopsy... had to go around and around with the doctor's office... but it's scheduled for November 3rd... i've taken the liberty of taking the night off from work and am going to spend it in the arms of my husband... yes you guys can get all sappy. I'm dragging my husband off to the doctor's office and he's going to take care of my sorry ass afterwards. Even though it's a minor procedure we want to be there for each other. So I've got my vicodin ES from various root canals/dental procedures at the ready - since motrin is not an option due to my up and down platelet counts... so I'm all set...

Many would ask - are you preventing... nope. We're letting things go if they happen they do... if not that's okay and if by some dumb luck we end up with another miscarriage then we'll blame us rather than the doctor. Those are my thoughts about all of this.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Still FREAKING positive

Okay can I just have a huge ass temper tantrum.... (picture Sam throwing herself on the bed legs kicking and screaming...)

The freaking EPT is still +.... Equate is still +.... and Fact Plus Pro is still + and internet cheapies are still +...

Come on... this is ridiculous...

My husband just scratched his head.. and goes well uhmm yep you're still pregnant... then gave an evil grin and goes "who do you want to tell?" I hit him... told him yeah uhmm no sex for you (said in a soup nazi voice) The guys face totally fell at that...

Take that for making fun of this... it totally pisses me off... the hpt thing not him... I got my revenge with the no sex comment...

So when should I tell him I was just kidding? Right as he drifts off is what I'm thinking (evil grin)