Thursday, May 31, 2007

All is quiet - for the moment...

I have six doggies sleeping in my bedroom - three on the bed and three in their kennels! Life is always good when everyone is sleeping!

Today I take Blue & Pepper to the vet for their procedures so that we won't have any more puppies. While I hate having them be in pain for anything I also know I do NOT want to deal with more puppies in the future. We are not breeders - heck we're not even breeders in the human form why the hell would we be in the dog form? So - it is a necessary thing to do. We'll pick up the two puppies this afternoon and they'll have to rest for a few days and then life is back to normal so to speak.

D says thank you to all the wonderful birthday wishes. He received coffee as his birthday gift from me. I know so terribly loving and sweet aren't I? I think right now we're both so busy trying to get things done, working 10-12 hours at our jobs - his is 10, mine is 12 that we're really just wanting a vacation. However - no vacation in sight. It's our lot in life - that right now vacation time is absent and we'll just have to deal with life as it goes.

We're planning on going out to eat this weekend to celebrate our birthdays and have a relaxing night at home. I know we're such exciting people. I worked my 6 day stretch and spent yesterday recovering from it. Slept all day and all night - and miraculously I did not have tail bone pain which has been occurring at frequent intervals while at work during the night. It's there then it goes away -and boy do I love when it goes away as it's a nagging ache not that painful, just constantly there for a bit then it goes away. We googled it and found there's really not a whole hell of a lot you can do for tail bone pain. Gee - thanks.

My friend from work who is due a few days after me found out she's having a GIRL :D I'm tickled for them as I think they will be great parents in general and a girl of theirs will definitely be a hoot to watch grow up! She will be very well loved and very well spoiled and all those things are good things. I'm working on getting my registry done- though I feel like I'm an idiot in regards to these things and have basically just followed a book to see what I need/don't need.

Other than that... life is good. As always we're taking one day at a time. Isn't that all one really can do?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Happy Birthday

Twenty-nine years ago something special happened... D was born.

Four years ago in April he walked up to my house and knocked on my door... my life has not been the same since. I am so very thankful and lucky to have found such a fabulous man. Through everything - we knew we could count on one another and that we each had the other's back. He only once got frustrated with the whole 2 years of trying... whenever I said lets try this - he agreed. He isn't bothered by having 6 dogs in the house and he loves the hoodlums all equally. He loves my mom. He's a great son-in-law and son. He knows what I'm thinking before I even have to say it. He loves me unconditionally...

Happy Birthday my love... may the years continue to get better and better.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I Survived...

The weekend is over and boy are we happy to have our home back. It was nice to visit, but it is such a different type of visit with my in laws vs my mom.

Friday I had set up a dinner with some friends from another bulletin board and told D that I was not changing it just because his parents were coming to visit. We set this date up in April and his parents announced the weekend before they came that they were coming. Both could be done, it's just that his parents would be left with 6 dogs and their puppy for a brief period of time before I got home.

Friday while at dinner - I received a phone call from D. D wanted to know whether I was on my way home yet. I responded "No." He was slightly agitated... apparently his parents were there and that he just was worried about leaving the dogs with his parents. Mind you - he leaves the dogs with my mom without looking back. So I told him I would be home shortly. Finished dinner and then called him. Apparently he was worried that his parents just wouldn't be able to handle the dogs, puppies, etc. They had Jodi with them and while Jodi is very well behaved the addition of the other two puppies to the mix leads to puppy chaos.

Quite comical puppy chaos. I arrived home shortly after we talked, reassurred D that none of his precious pups had been let out unsupervised and that all were accounted for. I have to laugh at this because I think it gives you a glimpse as to why we have said we're not planning on having them baby sit? I came home, let the 2 pups out. Outside they went and were well behaved little hoodlums running, playing, attacking one another - poor Blue is the low man on the totem pole - he's a pushover. He's all of 44 lbs and just is kind of the one who everyone dominates. Pepper weighs in at about 38 lbs and Jodi is about the same. So he's got 6 lbs on them and he's still the one you find on the ground most days. He's a mellow fellow. The 2 girls on the other hand - wow watch them run. Speed demons is an understatment.

Brought the 2 puppies back in and let the 2 big dogs out to romp. Back they go and then out come the 2 dachshunds... eventually after everyone had been out once I let the puppies back out as well as Lola and Ernie. So we had 5 dogs to watch and I watched all 5 of the little agnels. It was fine - they played and played and played.

D arrived home the next morning and between my cooking breakfast for everyone and feeding all the dogs we got everything accomplished. However - we had to come up with something for his parents to do while we slept - because I tend to stay on the night schedule while D works - it makes it easier for both of us - he doesn't get interrupted sleep. So we sent them to a car museum and had them leave Jodi with us. Jodi - the poor puppy thought she'd been abandoned by my fil. The poor thing whimpered, cried, etc for about 3 hours. Finally she went to sleep with Blue. I say finally because in all honesty we were able to get maybe 2-3 hours sleep total. She is completely attached to my fil - which is a good thing. It's what weim's do. It's what she's supposed to do. She remembered us, but she didn't want us.

So dinner was eventually made and D and I asked his mom some questions about her diabetes. It didn't go all that well. She doesn't check her blood sugar. Her hemoglobin A1C is elevated which leads one to conclude that her blood sugars are not well controlled. My husband loves his mom... and I love her- she's a good mom even if she is wishy washy... she loves D and that counts for a lot. D knows what these things mean - that his mom is playing russian roullette with her life. He talked with my mom about it as my mom was going to get my mil another glucometer. His words - "you can get her 50 glucometers and it's not going to change that she just doesn't think it will happen to her." She doesn't believe all the bad things that can happen will happen. I can talk until I'm blue in the face - and I do. I badger, and nag and make sure that all the stuff I bring to family functions is low or no sugar added. I do this because it's important not just to me, but to D, and to her future grandchildren. Want to know what she brought? A cake with chocolate frosting for D's bday, a box of donut holes, and chips. FIL told us that she ate a large ice cream cone during the day at the museum. I know it's only a matter of time before something bad does happen... it's just a matter of time.

I don't know what to say to even begin to make her understand just how much this bothers her only child - D. He worries about her. He worries because he knows bad things can and do happen and while you may not be able to prevent them - you don't have to court them.

All in all everything went fine - my fil kept asking me if i was eating enough for two. I finally grabbed a baby book and handed it to him and said - see no where in there does it say that you're supposed to eat as if you're two adults. Your grandchild is fine. We spent way too many months for me to starve it to death. I know I'm such a loving daughter in law right?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Heart...

First this is a bit late, but say a prayer for Gabe and his family... Feeling the Love across Cyberspace

I just found them through another blog, but it's odd timing. I say odd because in the past few days I've taken care of a couple of kids with heart defects. Heart defects are something I have a personal story with... my sister's first child Erin was born still at 26 weeks and later was found to have heart defects and would have needed open heart surgery within 24 hours of birth if she had been born alive. So caring for kids that have these issues is a privilege for me. If Erin would have been born alive she'd be 17. It's also hard for me because I do worry about whether or not the Not Negative has a heart defect... which is one reason why I'm not pushing the doctor to do the u/s earlier than he wants -because his words of - "we'll be able to see the heart structures more easily" stuck with me.

I also was in the NICU and wow... those are some tiny babies... it made me think a lot about what if's. I know a few NICU grads so to speak... V is one and she's a glowing example of a great outcome... however I've also cared for some NICU grads and there prognosis and outcomes were not as great. Granted - I work in a pediatric intensive care - most of what I see doesn't have great outcomes... but it definitely makes you think and it definitely makes you thankful for what you do know and have. D is always horrified after I come home from work - if he asks how things went and then learns of what I took care of through the night he generally gets all glassy eyed and wants a beer. (Don't worry he did this when I worked in the adult intensive care as well) so I unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it see some of the worst things that can happen and sometimes those worst things work out and end positively... and sometimes they don't.

It also reminds me I need to finalize my advanced directive... still haven't filled out all the forms. I think we'll be doing that at my next doctor's appointment. It's precautionary. I don't want anyone... to try and usurp D's rights to make decisions for me if I'm not able... and D feels the same way. Yes - I'm a paranoid sort - but that's part of may allure :D I'm a planner - though you would not know that sometimes...

In other news- In law visit this weekend... house is a wreck. Fun times I tell ya. I have no food in the house so this should be interesting. Our favorite restaraunt has smoke damage and may not be an option for food come Saturday night so I'm trying to come up with something... D grilled last week on cedar planks and that was good, but I just don't know. D will have to work Friday night when his folks show up so I get to spend an evening alone with my in laws rather than curled up in my bed with my dogs. Yes - I'm whining. Yes - I'm fine with that. So any ideas for how to spend an evening with the in laws? Think I can get them soused and send them to bed???? I'm just not looking forward to question and answer time... D will leave the house at 8:30 so they generally don't go to bed until after 10 or 11 pm... so that's 2.5 hours of me and them alone... fun times I tell ya. Here's hoping it's not as bad as I fear it will be.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Treading Water

The Dramalish's submission. Yes - I'm a sap. I'm fine with her statement that the film is cheezy, but truthfully I thought it explained better than I can even put into words how I feel. I may even direct my mil to see this film. I'll tell her to not speed ahead to the happy ending, but actually listen and read what she is saying, because that's where we are...

I think even the most empathetic and sympathetic people still cannot fathom infertility if they have not experienced it. I'm fine with trying to explain my feelings, but please quit looking at me as if I have 2 heads and thinking that I am filled with nothing but doom and gloom and seriously quit asking me if we're going to have another child after this one - because we haven't even gotten to this one yet. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

At work most people know that the Not Negative has hitched a ride... and that leads to questions. Questions I'm not really all that comfortable with... talk to me in September or October when I have a live baby in my hands is what I want to say. Yet - I can't. That's not polite and well - truthfully most of these individuals mean well. Instead I try to explain why I am the way I am... why I am reserved about this whole deal.

Even D doesn't totally get it. Infertility affected him, but it was different. (not that my feelings about it are all that sane, but they're different than his and yes he does have some scars from all of what we went through) it's just that he has settled into the comfort zone while I am still feeling like I got left out in the middle of the ocean with me and my trusty life jacket. My head is above water, but occasionally I get dunked and feel like I'm drowning. Mind you these feelings generally have absolutely nothing to do with the chaos at our house and everything to do with will this work out and if it doesn't what hole can I crawl into and what alcoholic beverages will I take with me.

So for now... I'm still here. I haven't inhaled too much water.

The puppies will be posting soon - more pictures next week of the little hoodlums - maybe even all 6... My in laws will be coming next week... I don't even know what to say about that other than I wish my mom was coming to help get things ready... it's easier when she's here and can be a buffer.

Thanks for listening to my rant, ramble, etc... I'm going with this is just hormones... right?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Photos to make you smile!

First you might have noticed that I changed some labels... I apparently can't count. What I thought was number 11 on the pregnancy scale is actually number 12. So I changed the label and then thought to myself god I'm an idiot. However in my defense once you've hit double digits it tends to be a little difficult to keep track of things or at least keep things straight. That and 11 sounded a bit better than 12, however I then thought better of it and decided no this is number 12 and we'll be okay with number 12. Besides it's a nice round number.

I know I've been remiss in putting up pictures lately. Partly due to lack of time and dial up is so slow. However I am too cheap to spend the money on whatever the faster service is out in the boonies that I live in.

So... without further ado I give you Ernie - please ignore the mess on the floor. This is Ernie in his bed. He pulled the green blanket down to be in his bed and then proceeded to fluff it up so that it was his pillow. Yes - he's a princess. Which if I get the opportunity I will show you just how much of a princess he is as he sleeps in Lola's "pink princess bed" yes the bed actually has a crown on the center of the pillow and it says princess. Ernie doesn't care he's all about comfort and even though he doesn't fit in it he loves the thing. Dino this was for you ;)

The next photo is of the infamous shower cleaners. One of the things with having 6 dogs and having an Ernie well you run out of water in the water dish quite frequently. Chance decided long ago that he preferred fresh water rather than water from a bowl so everyone eventually learned that the shower was the preferred drinking area. It also means that we don't have to deal with Ernie and the puppies slopping and dripping water all over the place. They don't clean the shower, but for some odd reason every single one of them would rather drink water out of the shower than out of a bowl. So the water is always cold and they get their fill whenever we go into the bathroom. This picture is of the 3 hoodlums - Ernie, Pepper and Blue are drinking... a more comical picture will occur soon - of the puppies and Lola drinking - getting those 3 on camera is a big effort. Actually getting a picture of the puppies not in motion is quite teh challenge.

So enjoy my babies... I'll post some of the other yahoos soon I promise.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Puppy Play Dates

I'm going to start with stuff about the puppies... and end with stuff about the Not Negative... so you've been warned.

This afternoon we had a playdate... it was fun. Granted 2 puppies in a car that haven't really been exposed to their seatbelts was a bit chaotic. D wasn't listening to me when I said - give them a short leash and gave the puppies way too much room to roam. It was a puppy free for all in my back seat. Needless to say we did make it to our destination in one piece. The 3 pups were reunited and they had a blast. Granted a lot of poop occurred, but what's a puppy without some poop.

I had a great time with Bert's new owner and learned some things like she's a fellow infertile... she understands this. All of you would love her as she's just a great lady as is her husband. Sometimes you meet people and bond in the strangest ways... dogs and infertility - it's quite a heady cocktail. Ultimately I know we'll be getting together again with Bert and his owners... both big and tall owners and letting them run on our property will be quite the adventure.

Now on to the not negative news - I added a link in the "about me" title - it's to the not negative's website. I had to do a website for my in laws. No belly shots will be posted - it's just not my cup of tea - I look at others and think that's great - but it's just not something I can do. I have enough body issues that putting a picture of my stomach anywhere on the internet is just not going to happen. However I will show you pictures of u/s photos if you are up to it - if you do visit - feel free to sign the guestbook and let me know you're there. Most of the posts are addressed more towards my in laws as this was a way for them to be included in the Not Negative's journey.

Blogging after going through infertility is kind of like a land mine. So for me - most of what I write has very little to do with pregnancy and everything to do with my life in general. It's for me... and this is the way I think. I open mouth and insert foot fairly frequently... so now on with the Not Negative news...

Today we had to get up at an awful time in the daylight and head to the stupid doctor's office. Yes - I know I should just be greatful that I have to go to an OB appt, but as D said - can't we just let him listen over the phone? See - doppler checks are great, but I do them at home on a fairly regular basis. If I could just learn to measure fundal height (I've never been all that adept at finding a fundus so why should I be able to do that with my own?) well we'd be all set. I spent approximately 10 minutes with the doctor - and truthfully that's probably pushing it. I haven't gained any weight from the last appt - can we all say thank goodness... blood pressure was fine and the doctor and his nurse and the lab lady all apologized for the accidental disposal of my other specimen tube... we sent 2 tubes this time just in case something happens in transit. I tried to play stump the doctor - however failed miserably. All I could come up with was a question about whether or not we couldn't just go ahead and do the 3 hour GD test rather than the 1 hour... he felt we should do the screening test and the reason why the 1 hour could not continue into 3 was due to the amount of glucose you have to ingest. Such a pain. Not that I plan on failing, but just in case - I'm all about not wasting my time and having to go back to take yet another test if you fail the first one is to me a waste of my precious sleeping time. If the likelihood is that I'll have to do a 3 hour test then lets just cut out the 1 hour test. It apparently doesn't work that way. Oh and he also truly likes to wait to do the "big" u/s... I won't be having that one until my next appt in 4 weeks...

I need to remind myself why I love my doc... oh yeah - he's a great doctor. Still hasn't a clue how to deal with D or myself, but hell you can't have everything in a health professional right?

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Being your own personal vampire...

We all know I'm a freak right?

Well... yes - I occasionally draw my own blood.

I haven't freaked everyone out too much have I? The reasons are legitimate - privacy privacy privacy... and speed. It started out of my own desire to keep my reasons for needing blood drawn to myself and not keeping my coworkers in the proverbial loop. How did I learn to do this? Well when I was going through my paramedic training I learned if needed I could start my own IV... I did it on a dare - it was a challenge so to speak- No alcohol was not a factor. I also learned it's a lot less painful for me to do it than to have someone else do it. So drawing blood is a proverbial piece of cake for me to do on my own. Sometimes it's messy, but after going through this process for 2 years well you learn how to keep the mess to a minimum.

My coworkers think this is odd behavior on my part (I prefer unique) and it's also a party gag kind of thing - once they learned of this as I had come out of the proverbial closet once I moved up to PICU. I never felt comfortable asking others to draw me while I was at work, but I had a number of reasons for drawing the blood while I was at work - it saved time. A lot of time- registration at a big hospital, waiting for your name to be called, finally someone actually drawing your blood after working 12 hours I wouldn't have gotten out of the hospital before 9:30 on a bad day - I'd be asleep at the wheel if I was doing that the number of mornings I needed blood drawn during a cycle. Just think of all the betas I've had done over the last 2 years and well you get the idea. So since I didn't want to ask a coworker to draw me - they'd want to know what they were drawing - who wants to answer the question - and the beta was to your coworkers on a monthly basis... that meant I drew myself. I also then get to pick the gauge of the needle and lets just say my choice is generally smaller than the phleb's choice. I'm not a pansy in regards to blood draws, but in all honesty I draw everyone with a butterfly needle - I've found it's nicer. So why not do that with my self rather than using the harpoons some phleb's use.

Also - it's easy for me to do. I learned as a challenge and now it's one of those things when everyone else has a hard time drawing me - I know right where to go and jack pot it's over and done with a hell of a lot quicker and with one poke rather than 2-3. I'm not into being a pin cushion. That and the phleb at the OB's office takes freaking forever. To the point that I just go over to the main hospital if and when I need anything drawn if I'm not able to draw it myself. Which was our main reason for not having the phleb draw it. She takes FOREVER - no matter how many people are there you're standing there a good 15 minutes if it's just you. I don't have that kind of patience and D sure as hell doesn't either. Especially when he knows I can draw myself. So I drew myself on Thursday and D assisted- it was his first time helping with that - though he does say - wow can you teach me how to do that now... Since I have taught people how to start IV's and draw blood - yes I could... however I really don't like being the proverbial pin cushion so likelihood is slim.

Now that's probably the most interesting part of this post - D the guy who had a hard time doing a subcutaneous injection... became the fabulous IM injector... now he wants to learn blood draws. I've created a monster. D looks at my skills as life saving - since he's watched people start IV's on me and draw my blood and then has seen me do it myself - he's of the opinion to take out the middle man - hand her the needle and let her do her own thing. Sometimes I agree- other times I'm fine with being a "teaching" case.

Friday, May 04, 2007



Yes you read that correctly not spilled milk... but blood. Yesterday I drew my blood and dutifully took it to my ob's office and handed it to the lab lady and said this is for the second part of the whatever screen. We put my name on it and off it went to wherever it is that it needed to go to. I think a) the lady was a bit miffed I drew my own blood and b) was irritated that I drew my own blood but what the hell do I know.

A few minutes ago I received a call from my doctor's office. Mind you I sent 2 vials of blood - a red and a gold top tube. Somehow in transit the top of the tube came off. I do not know if both tops came off, but one did. I'm on the phone right now trying to find out if both tops came off... I'm curious now. Primarily because they managed to survive a trip of an hour without anything happening to them, yet once I handed them off they suddenly became a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. I am making the nurse call back the lab and ask about the other tube... because it seems highly unlikely that both tops came off. Just a freak occurrence and while I'm known for my freak occurrences specimen tubes are not. Make sense?

I think the nurse was a bit put out that I wanted to know about the second specimen tube. I even offered to call myself that it was curiousity that was getting the best of me on this one and just wanted to know. But again - what the hell do I know? I'm only a nurse and have only had the top come off a few times... and we take the tops off those vacutainers quite frequently in the peds unit as sometimes we have to do it by drip rather than by a syringe to get blood. Apparently they got me on a pissy day. As normally I would have just taken this news and said- so sad have to have another blood draw. I'm a concrete kind of gal - I want facts. If we sent 2 specimen tubes what is the likelihood that both specimen tubes would pop open during transit? Slim is my thoughts... so we shall see what the good nurse has to say.

Nurse called back - they never sent the second tube... Gee thanks. All of this would have been avoided if they had sent both tubes.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


Seriously who the hell thinks it's an appropriate time to bring out a hydro hoe and start it up at 9 a.m. on a rainy day? My neighbor to the east of us. Asshole... I have no idea what he's digging or why. I do know he better keep off our property or we'll be having words. Again - Asshole as he's right butt up against the property line.

I've been quiet - work stretch. Which means I'll be off after tonight. I have spent a great deal of time providing emotional support to families. I love my job - the drama in my life is a piece of cake in comparison to what they are going through. I know I do a good job. I've never doubted that. Is it easy to provide clinical care as well as emotional care - not only to the patient but to the families? It's hard. It's draining. It's not something that eveyone does well and it sure as hell isn't easy to do. I've made families cry. I always am honest with them. Do I hedge my bets - yes. I am not a psychic and I do not hold a crystal ball. I would much rather be proven wrong than proven right when I give the bad possible outcomes. However I will not sugar coat things - I am nurse doom and gloom and I will give you the worst possible outcome - because I want to be proven wrong. I will always advocate for your loved one and for you - never doubt that. I know everyone reading is going - great we NEVER want S as our nurse. I never want to be anyone in your families nurse - especially if you're reading me. My ideal world is where there are no patients - everyone's healthy. Again - fantasy land.

I actually seen one of my patients get better. That makes me smile. He gave me a thumbs up today when I asked him before I left to go home... His family and another patient's family that I had cared for made me feel as if even when I didn't have the time - I made a difference in their lives and that is why I do my job... Because sometimes I can make things easier for families and sometimes I can even help a kid/adult/whatever get better.

In other news - D is sick... his allergies are wreaking havoc on him. I so have no sympathy.

Also - we are keeping Pepper. She's not going anywhere... she is no longer on the proverbial chopping block. The two pups can live out their lives as brother and sister and they'll be in our home. So - yeah we're a 6 dog house. Someone asked me how I was going to take care of 6 dogs and a baby. My response- "whoever barks/cries the loudest gets taken care of first." Simple philosophy huh? Blue & Pepper have both started learning to "sit" on command. Pictures will be forthcoming. The pups are also losing teeth left and right and have had to revert back to eating their food wet as their teeth hurt.

Ernie ate a box of pudding... then drank a bunch of water - wonder if it truly tasted like pudding then?

Such is life... nothing else going on here- yes we're still gestating... one step at a time. I also have a plan so to speak... my idea is simple... we're planning on finding out what we're having. I think rather than allow everyone to know right away - parents, friends, family etc. We're going to keep it a secret - maybe even from ourselves until the day of the shower. Couple of reasons - it will drive my mom bonkers and I haven't done that in a while and that way we get the things we need/want/desire rather than a bunch of clothes that we may or may not like. It also allows those close to us to be involved and find out the surprise... maybe have a contest and draw a name of who was right wins a prize kind of thing. Your thoughts on this are appreciated. Crazy -cool? Irritating?