Friday, April 27, 2007

Fraud... Dogs... and well...

I'm not looking for reassurance and those of you still in the trenches I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings. That is never my intention when I write posts like this.

Yes - I know I'm pregnant. However truthfully right now at 17 almost 18 weeks I feel like a fraud. I've been blessed with so far a relatively low key pregnancy - if you block out the weeks of on and off spotting. I don't look outwardly pregnant - and those of you that do and are due about the same time as I am - congratulations at least you don't get to hear "You're shitting me" when you tell someone you are pregnant and how far along you are. You also probably have something to say when others ask "How are you feeling?" I however respond with - fine. Then look at them as if to say am I supposed to give you more? Even my friend that is due a day or two after me asks me so do you have x, y, z? My response of no frustrates her as she has had to deal with heartburn, round ligament pain, and a few other less than savory things. I know my time will come - but I apparently am a late bloomer.

I'm flopping around like a fish out of water. I know there are things I must and need to do to prepare - however I truly haven't. There are little things that don't feel quite threatening to do - such as I've bought some clothing - however I did most of the buying way back in the first trimester and well before we were even pregnant. I did buy a stroller off ebay - very good deal and hope that it lives up to the expectation I have for it. Maternity clothes - yes -however that's only because my pants don't fit right. I still look flat so to speak, but I've gained about 8 lbs so that weight has to be somewhere and while the b**bs are bigger they are not that big. However crib - have looked, have not been able to bring myself to actually put a deposit on it and have it ordered. Bedding - have made some inquiries in regards to having a quilt made, but am not making any final decisions until well who knows when. Lets hope I give the woman enough time. Baby registry - yeah it makes me want to break out in a cold sweat trying to figure out what the hell to register for and the bad part is that not one store has all the items I want so that is where the bigger problem lies. Also how the heck do I make people understand we want to do cloth diapers and we'd like to just buy a package deal and this is the website that the package we want is at, but I can't register for it and to make them understand disposable are great - but if you give us a bunch odds are pretty high that they'll be donated to a local shelter without looking like ungrateful snots.

My mother wants to talk about a baby shower and while I know this is exciting for me the thought of a baby shower just makes me want to throw up. With my husband's family there are certain people I'd rather not see. However trying to come right out and say that to my mil and have her understand why is well anxiety producing. While D is always in my corner I hate putting him in the middle and while he doesn't truly want to see this person either it sometimes is easier for both him and I to hide out in our house 3 hours away from his family and pretend that some of them do not exist. (No, we're not chickens, we just truly don't want to waste time or energy on these people.) However there is someone from D's family that I do want to come to the shower and fear she won't if the person I don't want to see does come. So trying to figure out how to walk that tight rope is just something that well makes me a little batty.

D wants to go to the other side of the state - I think more to hunt woodchucks and make sure all is fine with my mom than anything else. However the prospect of lugging 6 dogs to the other side of the state makes me want to hibernate. D's dad is supposed to have a retirment party at some point this spring/summer. I think everyone is waiting for D to say "Sam's showing" and then they'll set a date. To be honest I'm not a person that likes to be the center of attention and my fil's retirment is the last place I want to be the center of attention at. I can handle a baby shower - though I may wish I was allowed to drink heavily. I don't know that we - either D or myself will be able to do a retirment party. There are a number of reasons why D is hopeful that his mother will pick a weekend I have to work - again the relatives we don't want to see... (It's not just my feelings about these people it's also D's - I'm just more vocal in my opinion about them and have not hidden my feelings to his parents about these relatives.)

D is of course always my biggest champion and protector. He has fielded phone calls from his mom and tries his best to get her to understand that asking me "How are you feeling?" Every single time we talk just makes me feel weird. I'm not special. I'm pregnant. I'm not that open of a person in the first place so if all you get is "peachy" well take it and go with it. If I'm not complaining then life is good. Granted I don't generally complain even when things are sucky, but right now they are not. They are fine... I hate the word fine. I'd love to say fabulous - but I think that's a stretch as I'm always tired - but have been for about 28 years now so that's nothing new. I'm not a high energy person so while the EMS expo did kick my ass it had more to do with being awake during the daytime (not a day person) than anything else. D found it comical that I can come home after working 6 -12 hour shifts in a row, stay awake do laundry, clean house, play with puppies, etc however make me do something from 8 am - 5 pm and well I want to be asleep in my bed by 6:30 pm. I felt that way every single day of the expo. I just don't do well with sunlight.

So this is my whine post... I still feel more infertile than fertile. I'm not sure when that will change... However I know that the line for me is blurred and while I've been quiet on your blogs - I have been reading. I haven't commented mostly because my internet connection sucks, but also because I do feel like a fraud in both venues.

*Puppy update - I think we will be keeping both Blue and Pepper. I gave D a deadline of May 21st. May 21st is when they both are scheduled for their nip/tuck procedures. I don't think at this point it's a good idea to separate the two. They are great puppy dogs and we love them equally as much as we love our other pups. Pepper is a busy girl and takes quite a while to settle down - we think she just has attention deficit. Blue comes in climbs up on the bed and lays down or sits and asks to be petted and loved on.

6 dogs and a baby? For D this is causing a boatload of anxiety. For me - not so much. I firmly believe that nothing in life has come easy or when we wanted it to. D didn't get a job over here for 2 years into our marriage. We didn't manage to get pregnant without a lot of loss and a lot of tears. We adopt a dog and end up with 6 puppies on top of the adopted dog. I pointed these things out to my mom and she said "You are so much like your father - you always find the positives and go with them no matter how hard it is to find. Nothing in life has been easy, but you've managed to try and make the best out of whatever was thrown your way." In contrast my husband grew up with a mom and dad who both tend to be fairly pessimistic and never quite got the - "You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it." So D has over the last 4 years we have been together slowly come to realize that he can do anything he wants to. However it never seems to fail that mister pessimism or pima (pain in my ass) comes out after having a conversation with his dad about having 6 dogs and a baby. I've lost my temper a few times and told him that he needs to suck it up. No, it's not ideal - however it's what God has handed us and it's not been for lack of effort on my part and his to find Pepper a home. She's our "crazy girl" and we're keeping her. Blue is my mellow boy and he's staying too. Unless his Dad would like 2 more dogs they are ours. Since I have enough of the phone calls regarding Jodi - that isn't happening.

D finally agreed that life with 6 dogs is not as bad as it could be. We don't have monster dogs. We did get an estimate on a fence with installation. I have no idea how we'll find the money to do a fence, but we will. My mom wants to help out with this. So sometime this summer we will be having a fence installed. Life with 6 dogs will become easier. It just takes time and patience.

Nobody ever said things in life were simple or easy and infertility did not teach me that.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Not To Worry... I am alive!

*sheepishly looks around and waves*

Hi there... Sorry things here got busy. By busy I mean very busy. I have two professional licenses the nursing license had to be renewed at the end of March and I remembered on oh... March 30th... 1 day before expiration. Dodged a bullet there huh. The second is my paramedic license and that is due to expire at the end of October.

Now here's where it gets tricky. The credits I used for my nursing generally do not translate to credits for EMS. Talk about huge suck fest of time and money. The state I live in also as of January 1st changed the requirements for me to maintain my license. I have to have 10 practical credits in specific categories. Getting those credits has been a challenge. Yes - some of my nursing certifications - ACLS, PALS, etc have been able to translate into some practical credits, but we have been a LONG way away from the magic number of 10 and well the magic number of 45 which is the amount of lecture and practical credits I must have to get my license renewed.

So a dear friend and I went to the EMS Expo this weekend... From Thursday on I was living and breathing and eating EMS from 8 a.m. until at the earliest 6 p.m. The practical credits have been the most interesting because well a trauma and medical management class resulted in me having to "come out" to the proctors as I draw the line at lifting and carrying a 200 + pound man down some stairs with a guy who has a bad back and my friend - let me just say my poor friend got the raw end of the deal here as the guy who was assisting her stunk as in BO - not cool and was in his 60's and had the "bad back". I would do it if I had to, but this is not a situation I would find myself in anytime soon - or at least it's highly unlikely. I did however crawl under a line of chairs to simulate a confined space entrapment and the instructor when I was going to be a good sport and crawl back under to get out said - don't you don't have to because you're pregnant...

This openness that I was truly not completely comfortable with lead to interesting conversations that I still haven't quite embraced completely - talking openly about being pregnant. I did talk with one of the educational associates and we bonded as she is about to become a grandma for the second time and her daughter had 2 miscarriages back to back before becoming pregnant with this child. So there are some interesting things you learn. I also learned that one of the instructors I have known for years "can't" have children. We were in a lecture about how to communicate with children and how to take the stress out of the having these pediatric calls and he was relating a conversation he had with a neighbor child when she asked "Why aren't you allowed to have kids?" Can't in her mind = not allowed - totally different connotation huh. He explained that he and his wife were unable to have children. He didn't go into details in the classroom, but it was interesting to know that infertility is out there in our daily lives and some people are out of the closet and others are not. Definitely makes you think. It makes me thankful I've been open about our difficulties. D after hearing of our exploits said - "I'm glad you decided to refrain from the rope course as well as the declining to carry a 200+ pound man down some stairs." He knows that I a) do not view pregnancy as a disability and if this was something I was doing on a regular basis - as in what I used to do when I worked EMS, then it would be a totally different story... however I don't do that anymore and now my lifting of patients has decreased significantly as my patients are now mostly kids rather than adults and well weight wise they are smaller - so this would not be something I would normally do. Ultimately I felt like a slacker... granted I know it was the right thing to do, but it didn't make it any easier for me to say - "I can't do this because."

Because the because part is there, but I still live in a bit of denial... heartbeat - check present and accounted for... showing - that seems to be the constant question from in laws and my mom - no... again I'm up about 8-9 lbs and yes my body shape is changing, but I just look like my normal fluffy self with bigger b**bs. So it still feels surreal. I know I'll eventually have to go - oh yeah this is truly happening but for now we're still in a bit of lala land.

*In other news... both D and a friend of my parents had this weird/uncomfortable thing happen... My dad's birthday was on Friday... last week D came home and said "I almost s*it myself last night while watching the weather" Uh... okay honey why? The weather channel announced - "And here's *insert dad's full name* with the weather* " D startled and thought no they did not just say dad's full name? Sure enough they did... it freaked him out a bit and he didn't want to tell my mom. So nothing was said. However a friend of my parents told my mom today as she was washing dishes and heard "And here's *dad's name* with the weather" she dropped the dish she was washing shattering it as this was on Friday and she is very familiar with dad's birthday as her daughter's birthday was Saturday so a day later and turned - granted she knew in her mind that dad was not there, but sometimes we all wish that it wasn't true that he was still here and it brought him back for her just as it did for D. My mom surprisingly enough took the news of the other SC well... shockingly well. She had to tell me the story of the friend and I had to break it to her that D had had a similar encounter and it had startled him for a bit. I fear she's now watching the weather channel in the hopes of getting a glimpse of the other man so to speak.

Ultimately never a dull moment here right?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Too Soon

I came late to reading this blogger. However I am so very saddened by the loss of GH to Snickollet and the twins He was taken far too soon.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

1 in 10,000

That is the risk of trisomies that was calculated so far from the results of the blood work and the results of the nuchal... apparently that is as good as it gets. At least that is what the doctor said. Now granted I spend most of my time at these appointments wondering how weird he thinks I am, but he seemed genuinely pleased with these results. Heartbeat was 155 or so.

I was disappointed to learn that the next u/s won't be scheduled until after the next appointment. This practice prefers to do the level 2 u/s at 22-24 weeks. No clue why, but we can wait. We apparently don't get a choice. D has started researching all the things we are supposed to have for this possible new arrival in our lives. I just nod mostly.

D's parents were finally given the green light - by him NOT me to let the rest of MIL's family know what's going on... His dad really wanted to tell his family and I think that has happened, but MIL's famoly got to learn the news first... My MIL asked if D could take a picture of me... and D said of what? Apparently my MIL wants a picture of me pregnant - D broke the news to her that I'm not showing anything... and probably won't be for a while and that pictures probably will not be forthcoming. My mother of course has announced to the neighbors and everyone that the only thing that is showing is my b**bs. Gee thanks Mom.

With the weird changes in the weather around here - global warming right? My allergies and sinuses have become something that is both quite comical and quite irritating. When one is already on an antihistamine and decongestant one would hope that they would not require more... I am of course not in that category. I have had to add another antihistamine to the mix to get the sneezing to stop. I spent Monday morning on the phone with the doctor's office trying to find out if the new phenylephrine is "safe" to take... the pharmacist said "NO" the OB said "yes" however that didn't happen until after i bought it as well as the antihistamine that was recommended by the pharmacist came home, took the antihistamine and then got the call from the OB's office. I miss the old actifed as truthfully I don't like the change from pseudophedrine to phenylephrine it does nothing for me... damn meth lab makers.

My old male roommate sent me a recent email with the announcement of the birth of his daughter. It sounds as if things were a bit of a struggle towards the end as his wife developed HELLP syndrome and this resulted in his little girl being born about a month early. Fortunately both mom and daughter are doing well. We are thrilled that though the events leading up to her birth were scary - that both are now healthy and doing well.

Now that that is all out of the way... on to the rest of the story. Blue (one of the pups) has the runs AGAIN... to say we're less than thrilled is an understatement. I'm not sure what the next step is in regards to his digestive track - however we'd really like this to stop. I think it has more to do with D not feeding him yogurt than anything else - but what the hell do I know? Bert (purple) who went to his new home is doing well and thriving in his new home and family. We are going to have a play date soon with Pepper and Blue and Bert - who has a new name, but for us he'll always be Bert. Because having one dog do weird things is not enough and Ernie's separation anxiety is seriously wearing on everyone's nerves - Lola has started with some behavioral issues - so we're working on all of those things.

Our recent appraisal of course came in below what we wanted and needed it to be as that means our hopes for a home equity loan were pretty much smashed to smithereens. Our goal with the loan was to build a fence... we are researching alternative avenues and will have a fence before the Not negative arrives - it just may take some creative financing on our part to have this large fence that we want, need and desire.

I am watching Friday Night Lights tonight and my heart kind of broke when the wife of the football coach found out that she was pregnant and when the nurse asked if this was planned and she said - 13 years ago, 12 years ago, 11 years ago, 9 years ago, 8 years ago, then we thought it wasn't in God's plan for us... and the nurse laughed and said something along the lines of "apparently his plan changed". Because the woman conveyed so well that feeling of what I assume secondary infertility feels like... that struggle, that desire, and sometimes that resignation. Granted I could be wrong... I only know my feelings on what we've gone through and we all know my feelings have been to both edges of the spectrum. But it's always nice to see something conveyed simply and appropriately.

And to add to our tales of woe - we have SNOW... It's April for goodness sake and we have SNOW.... Sorry I've been quiet... I've been reading - not commenting - there's truly not much to say for me right now... I'm horribly boring - okay maybe not boring, but certainly not very exciting.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I'm sorry - I've been quiet. It's because I have been at work of course and also because trying to find a healthy and happy mix of what to write on this blog for me is a challenge. My life is fairly boring (stop laughing - it's my "normal" to have 6 dogs running around so it is "normal" for me.) and the puppies while growing are probably the best behaved of the bunch. Lola - the one who brought the GI bug into the house is still being blamed for first Pepper (pup) and then Blue (pup) getting whatever it was that she had... so far there are 2 dogs that do not have the bug - we can hope/pray etc that that will continue to be the case as seriously it's hard to see your dogs having to poop so frequently though the antibiotic and other medicine decreased the frequency and length of time we had to deal with it.

In other news - D and I had our 6 month dental cleaning - while mine was fine... D has 6 cavities he has to have filled... he's not thrilled. Today found him in the dental chair. We have an appt next week for more and then he'll go back again in 2 weeks. He set up this appt at the same time as our hair appt. I have not had my hair cut since October... I dropped D off at the dentist and went to see our gay hair stylist. We love this guy - he's fabulous and does a wonderful job. He works us in and I've been seeing him for about 4 years now. D for 3. S and his boyfriend are back together and that is wonderful. We're happy for him and happy that he's happy. He's on a gay bowling league and the stories he tells of that are hillarious. Once he realized that D and I were fine with him being gay and he had nothing to be ashamed of out he came. I spent the first year debating is he or isn't he when I went to him until I finally asked. I try not to make assumptions about sexuality, who's married or related to whom, and a few other things because I've been burned before. So... this afternoon while D was enduring the pains of the dentist I was being pampered by S... when asked what I wanted done I said - Do whatever you want just don't cut my hair as short as yours or D's. He laughed and I took off my glasses and he went to town. I left with a shoulder length bob type thing and I love it. He took about 2-2.5 inches off. Next time I see him will be for a cut and color. I've been meaning to color my hair, and well it just hasn't happened. Now I have an appt in May.

In other news I have screwed up the dates/times of a couple appt's. Dentist appt - thought it was first March 8 at 3pm. Had called and asked and they had said March 28 at 3 pm. Went on March 8 at 3 pm because I found a post card with that date and time. Well that postcard was actually from last year rather than this year. So we went last week. Scheduled my ob appt for a day when I'll be at a conference. Appt is now rescheduled for next week on Wednesday. I'm batting a thousand at this point. I fear what appt I'll screw up next.

I also received a phone call to notify me as well as a postcard that the first part of the quad screen came back "good" what that means I have no idea, but I assume that means our risk of trisomies is low. Spot - that bastard continues to play in the playhouse and while we've tried to figure out how to beat that into submission have not come up with a solution. Spot is truly a pain in the ass and I'd like it to go away for once.

So... dentists, dogs, appointments... that's about all I got for now. Yes - we've made it to the 2nd trimester... it's a wonderful thing and every day is a blessing... we're still cautious. Still happy... still us.