Hmmm

I know it's awful... I went off and had another baby and then decided to just clam up. In all honesty I keep coming up with great things to write, but writing with Peanut in my arms is a challenge. She likes to cuddle. She's doing well - though we (meaning her and I) have thrush which means we're both on medicine which sucks. I had pneumonia to ring in the new year with and that meant I ended up on antibiotics which in turn meant Peanut ended up with thrush. Ick ick ick. No fun for all parties involved. She is growing like a little weed.

Squeaker on the other hand is a ball of energy. He still is in love with her and says "Peanut loves me" all dramatically. He also wants to hold her all the time. One day I had her in the exersaucer and he was watching a movie... I was in the kitchen. When I came out of the kitchen no Peanut in the exersaucer... she was in his arms in the chair. When asked how this happened he said "I picked her up." and I told him that he isn't supposed to do that. His response - "She not crying" with a shrug of the shoulders. We then got into a debate about his little sister not narcing on him and that if Nana catches him his tail feathers will be on fire.

Christmas was great fun around here - in Squeaker's words "holy smokes" when he walked out Christmas morning... however with the holidays also comes the in laws... and with the in laws comes Squeaker acting like a royal pita. Nana finally got to see it in action. Part of it is because he doesn't see them that often, but it also is them... they don't say no. There is no discipline from them so Squeaker thinks he can run roughshod all over them and he does. It's like my sweet son becomes a caveman when they're here. D says it's because they encourage it and truthfully they do... I have yet to figure out how to tackle this problem with them. It's frustrating for everyone and it doesn't help Squeaker. They want to be "THE GRANDPARENTS!!!!!" not just Papa and Grandma. They went over the top for presents for him - yet Nana got him clothes and every time he opened a present from Nana he said "A sweatshirt! Thank you Nana!" I just don't think they get it... and I don't know how to help them to. :S

Life is good... I'll try to post more. I promise. Below are two pictures - one of Squeaker in all his suspender glory - which a friend gave him a tool kit which included real tools, suspenders, and a hard hat. D says her daughter will be getting a drum set marked for 7-12 year olds. Also Peanut is pictured saying hi guys!

Squeaker and a Peanut

Wow has time flown by or what? It seems like yesterday was the day Peanut came into our world, however it has been 16 weeks.

Squeaker is still in love with her, but he is finally getting a bit gentler with her. She's going to grow up to be a tough girl I'm sure with all the LOVE her brother gives her. She's a fairly happy baby which makes things easier for everyone. She eats better than her brother ever did. Which means - breastfeeding once we got in the swing of things was monumentally easier with her than it was with her brother. However - she threw us into a panic right before I went to work with her sudden dislike of a bottle... I ended up buying $60 worth of bottles and finally we were able to find one that she would take... My mom was in a panic and kept repeating over and over - I never knew a baby who wouldn't take a bottle. After we got that issue resolved my mom spoke with her P.A. about it and he told her his daughter was the same way - which was nice to have it validated by someone else because good lord knows I know nothing :)

In other news - Nana has become obsessed with Peanut's pooping or lack there of... I on the other hand don't worry about it. D has told my mom that she worries if Peanut's not pooping and worries if she is, so would she just leave his little girl alone about her pooping habits - she's fine. He also told her that if she spent as much time worrying about herself as she does about everyone else she'd be in great condition. Although my mom is a closet hypochondriac so she worries about everyone and herself.

Things here have finally gotten easier... by easier I mean, I am finally human... after Peanut was born and while D was home for 3 weeks things were rough... D and Squeaker were at each other's throats and I was finding myself biting my tongue from yelling at them as well as my mother. This was not normal for me... at about the 6 week mark I knew it wasn't normal for me. So I called my OB and their response was to see a counselor. I did... and then at my 7 week follow up appt I spoke with my OB about it and he said "Did we start you on something?" I told him no, the nurse told me you wanted me to see a counselor... he apologized profusely and said that he was not the one spoken to about it, and here is your prescription... but to continue seeing the counselor. So I did all the free appts that my employee health thing gave me and then she cut me loose because she felt I was doing well and I am. So, I'm no longer seeing the counselor, but you would love how the last appt went... D went with me and thought he was going to be sitting in the playroom with Peanut... nope - he ended up in the appt with me. It was a little weird... the counselor was way too close to D's personal space... D's a cop - he doesn't like people invading his space. She gave us her thoughts that we're a fairly balanced couple and that we seem to communicate really well. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that :) D's parents don't know anything about my PPD or that we/I went to a counselor... I'm not sure D's parents would want to know about that last appt because it focused mainly on them and our relationship with them... and how that makes D feel and how I feel that his family undervalues him. They truly do not realize all they are missing out on with him and with us. Which is sad...

All in all life is good... Nana is good, Squeaker is good, Peanut is good, D is good and so am I... what more could a girl ask for? A clean house - that would be nice, but I'll have to settle for a lived in look.

The above picture was taken Oct 29th... now that I have the images I really need to get on actually making a picture card up for my Christmas cards... fun fun fun!

34 weeks...

So far we are chugging along - I feel like I need to say to some people - move along, nothing to see here.

I had an appt on Thursday with the OB and we've scheduled the repeat u/s for next week to see if that pesky placenta has moved or not. I think he's more hopeful that it has since I haven't had a bleed, but we shall see. I think it helps that she's so stinking low in my pelvis that it's putting pressure on the placenta which may help or so I've read. Either way we'll know next week which is nice as I'm supposed to be in charge Thurs, Fri, Sat, and then again on Mon, Tues, Wed... ideally I just want to get through that work week and then anything can happen although it'd be nice if she waited until 37 weeks. Ultimately I know it's not in my hands and we shall see what this little girl decides to bring to the mix.

In Squeaker news he's picked up yet another charming phrase... totally from his Dad. "You know better than that." Which is at least better than some of the stuff he could be picking up. I'm struggling with potty training - we're not actively trying, but we're not ignoring it either. He'd rather pee outside or when out in public in a public rest room... however getting him to pee in the toilet at home is a battle of wills. He'd rather pee on the fence. I know it's a novelty and I'm trying to be patient. Tonight I bribed him with a cupcake to pee in the toilet rather than outside. I know one of these days it's going to be like a switch has been turned on. As his teacher said in his eval - he can do it, but it's not a priority for him so he chooses not to. Now how to make it a priority that is the real question. Telling him he's a big boy is about for the birds.

In other news he's now claiming the baby as his... when talking about his little sister he says "My baby sit on my lap", or "My baby sleeps here." It's very cute and hopefully he doesn't want to return her to wherever she came from once she arrives.

Halfway there?

Where on earth has the time gone? I'm 20 weeks and a few days and to be honest I got nothing. Our big u/s is not for another 3.5 weeks (because I'm a pansy who doesn't want to see anyone else in the practice). Truthfully that whole big u/s - I could care less about gender... I want to know that this babe has all the parts it's supposed to have. You know... chambers of the heart, outflow tracts, 2 kidneys, 2 lungs, a closed spinal column... I know I'm so romantic aren't I? But in all seriousness that's the things I worry about, not whether it will be a boy or girl. I live with my dad's philosophy that gender doesn't matter... healthy does. I almost grabbed a peds cardiologist and begged for a fetal echo the other day... if I had just been a little faster I would have caught them and probably fallen on my sword asking for one.

Last week was the anniversary of my dad's death and while I usually put a post up about it, this year I didn't have anything new to say. I miss him. I always will. March 12th will never be an easy day for me. This year I worked and that was a different animal.

No easy way to transition away from that, but we have had just sheer craziness in this household. I can tell you that I think Ernie is Hooch reincarnated from Turner and Hooch... the darn dog ate my favorite pajama pants when he got perturbed. While I don't think Hooch would do that... Ernie did. Squeaker is no help when Ernie gets in trouble either - he wants to let him out of his kennel and tells us loudly that "Ernie out here!"

Oh have I not mentioned Squeaker is now quite the little talker. He's a regular Chatty Charlie. It's quite cute and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It still has it's frustrating moments, but he's doing great on the vocal front. Now to get him to potty train. Today he chose to pee out the patio door... to be honest I don't care if it means we get out of pull ups. Although I'd prefer the toilet. My mom on the other hand will be horrified if she catches him doing that... and I know it'll happen. She's terrified he's going to go out the patio door and walk in our fenced in back yard. Seriously - that's probably a safe spot for him to wander. I've learned that as she ages she becomes more paranoid about things that she didn't even bother with when I was growing up... which is probably why I had so many visits to the emergency room.

Anyway so that's what's up with me. Not a lot.

Strange Conversations

Hi everyone! Sorry to be quiet for so long... no idea how long it's been.

Yesterday I had an actual OB appointment. I am currently 11 weeks so it was going to be the first real visit. This was after I had a phone consultation with a nurse - who literally told me nothing and should have been able to glean most of the information from the records the RE sent.

Anyway... So I was kind of surprised to be handed a consent form for H I V testing... since I hadn't had one handed to me with the last pregnancy. I knew how I felt about it, but there was no - lets talk about this, these are the reasons you have this testing done, these are the reasons you don't. It was handed to me at the front desk check in with a pamphlet which I thought was just odd. I thought that a nurse should have at the very least talked with me about it.

After the preliminaries we got down to business. My doctor came in and we talked for a little while, asked if I had a plan for delivery and I said yes - healthy baby, healthy momma. He laughed and then launched into the schpiel regarding risks and benefits of both various types of delivery. I told him at the end of the schpiel that I was not at a point yet to make a decision regarding birth choices yet and he nodded and said he understood, he just needed to talk with me about it. We ended the appointment after the whole deal with a listen to NN take 13's or Fetus 2.0's heart beat which was clipping along at 163.

I go back in a week and a half for the nuchal screen and blood work. D and Squeaker will be with me for that... as no one is there to watch Squeaker. If I had been even a little bit on the fence about doing the nuchal I no longer am as one of my friends just had awful results triggered by the results of the nuchal. I would rather know in advance. Not everyone chooses that, but I would rather know in advance if things were not going along as smoothly as one would have hoped.

In Squeaker news - he's had gastro for a week... I hate gastro!!!! I'm over it.

Happy birthday SD!

Squeaker... SD.... Not Negative... These are just some of the names that my son has had in his 3 years of life plus 9 errr... 8 months of gestation.

Today marks his 3rd birthday. This beautiful, sweet, intelligent boy has brought so much joy to my life. I am a better person because of him. He is a rough and tumble boy. He's always climbing on things to get something. He doesn't let anything slow him down. He gives his mom, dad, and nana a kiss before leaving every day. He waves goodbye to each and every one of the dogs.

So... happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you very much!

Long time no see :)

Hi there, remember me... I know I know it's been a while, but in reality things have just been busy and to be honest there hasn't been that much to say. However I will update.

Infertility wise... we haven't set up the appointment with the RE. However my periods which have been wonky at best due to nursing are now getting a bit more regular so this fall we will have aow n appt with the RE. I just have to schedule it. I have their number in my speed dial so it's not like I don't think about it every time I scroll past their name.

Work wise... things are interesting. There may be the opportunity for a day shift position and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I think that days would be better for Squeaker and my mom. On the other hand it's days and days means lots more people lots more bullshit. I just don't know. I wonder if they'd let me do a trial and see how I like it before I actually commit? It's worth a shot. It would also mean seeing D less on the days I work as he's not going to go to a day shift.

Squeaker wise... still doing speech therapy and we did do an audiologist appt because he had to be referred for his hearing. Turns out - he hears just fine. Just doesn't speak. Although I do have to say that he is closer now than he was a year ago. Eating wise we still struggle somedays, especially without the high chair. Getting him to SIT and eat is a struggle. I'm not sure how to work that one out. On the bright side he tried a real fresh blueberry and a cherry. Prior to this he wouldn't have touched it with a ten foot pole. This week also brought hives... from what we're not sure. However it did resolve with benadryl and zyrtec so definitely an allergic reaction kind of thing. We suspect a sport drink that D let him drink, however it could have been anything.

Dogs... well Megan who previously was known as the good dog apparently was a wolf in sheeps clothing because wow can that girl be naughty. We thought Ernie was always doing things... NOPE... Meg is his partner in crime. The pups (Blue & Pepper) are doing great. Lola is her usual fiesty self.

My mom - still is having issues with her eyes. We go back in a few months to the eye specialist. I see a corneal transplant in her future... when who knows. She's also had some blood sugar issues recently which explains why she becomes a raging b*tch to me on occasion. I'd be that way too if my blood sugar was 37. She's keeping a food diary which hopefully helps her to see she's not eating enough hence the blood sugar issues. It's amazing what little sugar will do for your personality. :)

So what's up with you? And if you've read this far then you will see Ernie observing D & Squeaker fixing Nana's car. Yes he's in his underwear. No we're not completely potty trained yet, but on occasion we like to run around as if we are. It's a work in progress :)

Infertility Awareness Week

It's all over the blogosphere that it's infertility awareness week and I figured this was a great time to retell my story.

My first miscarriage was when I was 21. An unplanned pregnancy where the guy I was dating literally said "You're joking right?" when I told him I was pregnant. He was relieved when it ended in a miscarriage - I on the other hand didn't know what to think. I knew it wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I was scared, but not terrified.

Flash forward 5 years to 2005 and I'm married to a wonderful man and we start on that baby making train. At the time we were living apart half of the time so timing was a thing we needed to just give it our best shot. We were successful after about 3 months trying... however things were weird. I started out spotting, then bleeding and yet still had a positive pregnancy test. I ended up calling my OB and he ordered a beta hcg with a repeat in 48 hours... I think that doubled, but the numbers were really low for where they should have been. Eventually I had another beta and that showed that the beta had fallen, but not where he wanted it to and we scheduled a d & c. I was for some reason worried about an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctor felt that wasn't the case. Flash forward to the day before my birthday and I awake after anesthetic to the news that it was indeed an ectopic. At that point I found the world wide web of blogs and started blogging.

By the time fall came around I had had another pregnancy with a wimpy beta and was pushing my doctor to do a endometrial biopsy to see how my lining was. We did that test in November and learned that my lining was not the plush pillow top matress one would hope, but a crappy motel mattress - no wonder pregnancies wouldn't stick. So - we tried clomid and progesterone supplements. We were hopeful this would fix things... alas it did not and at that point my doctor threw his hands in the air and said - you need to see an RE.

It took 2 months, but we went to the RE and he was impressed with all the testing we had already had done for recurrent miscarriage. I was devastated with the initial diagnosis of habitual aborter - it's just an awful diagnosis especially since we wanted a baby so badly - I know it's all about insurance coding, but come on come up with a nicer term please? He prescribed injectables after an HSG and to continue a different progesterone supplement. We continued to have positive pregnancy tests with wimpy betas. During a rest cycle (unmedicated) except for progesterone we had blighted ovum a year to the day of our previous d & c/ectopic pregnancy. We were beginning to be defeated.

Eventually we switched to IM progesterone with the injectables and off we were again. We did an IUI as well. I'm skimming a bit, but really no one wants to read of month after month of positive pregnancy test yet seriously shitty betas. It was about every other month that we were having a positive pregnancy test and each one would start off with that beautiful 2 lined test and the next day bleeding. It got to the point that I was able to tell what my beta was going to be based off the pregnancy test darkness.

We approached 2007 and decided we needed to take a break from formal treatment, after talking it over with the RE we decided to just do the IM progesterone and see what happened. If after a few months we'd reevaluate.

That was the cycle that became Squeaker or Not Negative Take 12. That pregnancy started off the same as all previous pregnancies... with bleeding. I had multiple betas and those had appropriate rise and were decent numbers, my progesterone was great. They have no idea why the bleeding. On January 31st we learned the pregnancy was in the uterus. The next week we had a heartbeat. We didn't feel out of the woods yet... we had an u/s every other week until we were released from the RE at 10 weeks. I spent most of my pregnancy in fear... I didn't think it was really going to happen until after 32 weeks... and then Squeaker came early at 35 weeks.

We were fortunate... not fortunate that it took 12 pregnancies total to have him, but fortunate that we have him at all and fortunate that in that journey to having him we met and found such incredible women and men who shared our journey with us. Maybe that was the reason - I don't know, but I'm thankful for having met you via the internet.

I don't know if our shot at a sibling for Squeaker will be successful. I can pray that it will be and I can pray that it won't be like the first time... however just thinking about trying makes me break out into a cold sweat - so stay tuned. In other words - not trying yet.

Way too long...

Sorry it's been a while. Things have been going well. Squeaker started speech therapy in February and in the last month or so he's really making a lot more noises and occasional word. We've decided on a preschool which is scary and all that rolled in one. It'll be 5 days a week and he'll still receive speech therapy as part of it. I'm nervous about sending my baby off in the fall for 5 days a week, but we want what we think is best for him. The teacher seems wonderful.

In January my mom had her cataract removed... since then things have been interesting. She has had an increase in her blurry vision to the point that I decided after a bad appt with her current eye surgeon to see a true cornea specialist. That appt will happen on Wednesday. A part of me wants her to just have the cornea transplant, and the other part of me is like suck it up. She's terrified of losing her ability to drive. I don't blame her it's a big loss of freedom.

In other news - we're in negotiations about getting back on the bandwagon of trying. Nothing official yet - no phone calls to the RE have been made, but it's something we're talking about - which is more than we've done in the past.

And yes - Squeaker is still nursing... which is a challenge. I'm trying to do the child led weaning and I remind myself it's not hurting anyone. He nurses for naps and bedtime. He doesn't take a bottle at all and so it's just a part of our daily lives. We're working on potty training.

So that's my update for the moment. Hang tight I'm sure soon I'll have lots to write about between the thought of trying and my mom there's plenty of stories out there!

Merry Christmas!

May your day be filled with family, friends, and good food. From my family to yours!

Fitting in...

I don't think I fit in...

I'm kind of stuck in between traditional and natural parenting. What the hell does that mean? I vaccinate... I'm okay with the fact I had a c-section... My child wears cloth and disposable diapers... We still have plastic in the house... We're weeding out high fructose corn syrup. I don't buy all organic - I'm too cheap for that.

There's just a lot of things that separate me from both my peers and my coworkers. I fit in here. I fit in with my close friends. Trying to fit in with my coworkers - it's tough. Their priorities and my priorities are totally different. I look like the hippy granola girl with them. Which I'm not. But one of the big reasons why I look like that is due to still breastfeeding... or let me rephrase it... because we've breastfed for so long. I know it always comes back to the b**bs doesn't it?

However with the granola group - well I don't fit in either. I'm okay with having the birth I had... hell I was maybe disappointed for about 5 minutes, but then there was that real live healthy baby and everything about disappointment went out the window. I can't muster any energy to be upset about the birth SD had. It was what it was and I have a healthy, happy child because of it. Then there's the vaccinate or not vaccinate debate which makes my head explode. Especially now with all the s*ine f*u talk and the vaccinations regarding that. I know that my decisions are based on what I see at work and lets just say that is not a pretty picture - which without disclosing how I fall on the vaccination debate probably gives you an idea of how I fall.

Ultimately I am so thankful for this space... this collection of women who I can say I fit in with. Maybe infertility brought us together, but my parenting choices hasn't brought us apart. For that I am thankful.

Early On

First off... we've graduated from feeding therapy. Can we all go WOOHOO! Now granted we've still got lots of work to do. However I can honestly say the 12 weeks of therapy were worth it. Last night we went to a restaurant and my son actually ate a thing of mac n cheese from the kiddie menu. We sat and stared while he did it we were in such awe.

However we have watched patiently for Squeaker to have this language explosion... which hasn't happened. We've heard "hey blue" and "I love you" but we don't hear much else. So we decided that we would have an evaluation by Early On and see what they had to say. Today was the evaluation and we learned that Squeaker does indeed qualify for services in speech.

So in the next few weeks we'll be having the sit down to discuss goals and come up with a plan etc. His receptive language is off the charts, but his expressive is sadly lacking. Hopefully we'll have similar feelings about Early On as we did regarding feeding therapy. We shall see.

Not How I Thought It Would Be

DinoD asked... and now I shall answer...

Is Squeaker still nursing? Yes. Yes, I'm nursing a toddler. I never thought that would be the case. I hoped to nurse until he was 2, have the birthday party and say goodbye to nursing- you know a burn the nursing bra party. However he's still nursing and the birthday party was a few days ago. We've significantly decreased the frequency of nursing, but he's still totally into the b**b when it comes to bedtime and when it comes to naptime... or if he's particularly pissed off about something.

I'm also admitting that I'm a lazy parent and bedtime is so simple with the b**b that seriously we'd have to change our nighttime routine and I'd rather not go through the hassle. I will eventually start having D put him to sleep, but with wonky work schedules it's hard to figure out how to make it work.

D is not terribly thrilled about this turn of events. No matter how often I tell him that it will eventually end and it will eventually means before he turns 5 and hopefully before he turns 3. My mom teases about him still nursing as does my friends and coworkers. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know it's outside the "norm" and slaps a crunchier label on me than I really am.

I do have to admit to enjoying one benefit of extended nursing... my periods didn't show back up until June. I wasn't terribly thrilled to see that particular thing show back up, but such is life.

Suggestions are welcome... I'm kind of doing the child/parent led weaning. I'd rather just slowly wind down and have him have no interest in it... however I'll admit to being a bit worried that he is going to be nursing forever.

Happy Birthday Squeaker!

My baby turned 2 today... It's hard to believe that two years have passed. Happy birthday SD!

Time Does Heal Some Wounds...

Four years ago I had my first d/c which I then learned was an ectopic. Three years ago we received the news that a rest cycle pregnancy was not viable... who would have thought lightning could hit twice. It did... and two years ago I spent the 15th under the covers with a doppler and poking my belly in the hopes that Squeaker would a) stay in there and b) live. Last year I spent the day enjoying Squeaker.

Today I did the same. This is not meant to say I don't still have bad memories of the 15th, but I'm making new happier memories of this day. It's the day before my birthday. The day before my bloggoversary... It's what lead me to this wonderful community. I have a lot of things to be thankful for... including...

Nanna will be coming back. She misses me... she misses Squeaker... she misses Dan.

Living with a hope and a prayer...

I guess I've learned something... when things are good - I don't blog. When things are not so good I blog. Things here are getting better, but not quite where one wants them to be.

I'll be honest here - I hope with the feeding therapy my mom comes back. Having my son sleep at someone elses house (I work nights) just isn't high on my want to do list. I'll do it... The other drama is that D's schedule changes in a few months so we may have to find yet another daycare provider if my mom doesn't come back.

I'm not holding out hope that she'll come back, but I am praying about it. It'd make all of our lives easier. Squeaker misses her. He still runs to her door and pounds on it as if to say "Nanna come out!" Which breaks my heart when it happens. Thankfully it's not as often as it was in the first few days of my mom's absence. Still watching my son want to see his Nanna and not being able to see her well it just makes me sad.

We start feeding therapy on Tuesday. To be truthful I have no freaking clue what we're going to do in feeding therapy. I'm going to assume that there's going to be actual feeding. Could be wrong though. I don't know if I'm supposed to bring him in hungry or what. It would be helpful if they gave detailed instructions so that the nurse in me can figure this out. We've been trying to follow the instructions given to us in the meantime... 1. Playing with food - yeah that ones not going so well. Not for lack of effort on our part.. but Squeaker not really into it. He'll dip and that's about it. 2. Smelling food - yeah not going so well either... he's not into letting anything get towards his mouth if we're the ones holding it... and he scrunches up his face as if to say "NO" and 3. Not forcing him - that's about the only one that is going well. We're letting him run the show so no forcing is happening.

Let me just say meal time is a HUGE pain in the ass at our house... I'm pinning a lot of hope on this whole feeding therapy thing.

Amy - Squeaker is otherwise healthy and meeting his developmental milestones... speech is a bit delayed, but physically he exceeds where he's supposed to be. Weight wise he's always been in the 5th percentile - never any higher. Hope that helps.

That Feeding Thing...

Well with my mom's prompt departure I was forced to take a serious look at my son's eating habits or lack there of. So I made that appointment for the feeding clinic...

Yesterday was the evaluation. And the verdict is that we need to do feeding therapy. Apparently Squeaker is showing signs of some oral aversion and reflux. The last part I want hmmm... his food choices, his self limiting behavior, etc.

So two things happened yesterday - we started him on prevacid and my brain was a bit fried as I had been up all night, but we have 3 things we need to work on until we actually start the therapy program... playing with food, smelling food, and not forcing him to eat.

My mom felt bad when she heard we were told NOT to force him to eat as she had been forcing him to eat out of frustration. I told her she was doing what she thought best and that it's not her fault.

So onward and upward right? This is something we can work on and hopefully we have a new boy in regards to food in the next few weeks. We did order freeze dried peas and corn and he loves those so we are finally getting vegetables to cross those lips of his...

At least we finally have a plan... that's a good thing right?

I am NOT a patient person

Things with my mom haven't improved much as of yet. The first night she barely said a word... the second day wasn't much better. The fourth (I took the third day off) she ranted and raved about a bunch of things but was semi civil. Things have slowly progressed. I hoped hearing that I had gotten Squeaker's hair cut which was one of her complaints would bring out her grandmotherly spirit, but alas I haven't heard a word.

One of my mom's other big gripes was my son's eating habits or lack there of was sending her over the proverbial edge. In the hopes of mending fences and even maybe getting her to come back, I took the plunge on Tuesday and called requesting a referral to the feeding clinic. I then waited, and waited, and called and was told - the message is in, call back on Friday - which irritated me. This morning I called AGAIN and said what's the hold up? I apparently expressed enough irritation as I was finally told a short time later that the referral had been put through. In the short time I did call the feeding clinic and asked politely - Do I have to have a referral? My insurance doesn't require one. I was told firmly that I HAD to have a referral and that the wait was 6 weeks for the eval... and then if we needed the intensive feeding clinic it would be roughly 9 months.

I think my head exploded at that point... if we would have known it would take 6 weeks 3 months ago we would have just gone ahead and done the eval back then... so now I'm kicking myself for not putting this in the forefront...

I mean some days he eats great... most days he eats subpar to okay... and then there are the days when getting anything past his lips that are not crackers or cheese.

One of my mom's other beefs was that we were still breastfeeding... we haven't given that up. The plan is to wean when he's 2... I'm sticking with that one... Though most days I think it would be so easy to just say enough. He's still all about the boob.

Ultimately once I make a decision I want instant results... this waiting crap is for the birds. I've been a patient person - waiting patiently for Squeaker was enough. I shouldn't have to wait for this now.

I also shouldn't have to wait for my mom to cool off and become a normal human being again... you know that loving mother she used to be. But I have to wait for that as well...

The Nanny Quit...

Or why my mother is upset with me...

Thursday of last week was not a great day for me... for a number of reasons. First I had just started coming down with mastitis and second was dealing with a rental car since my husband had been in a car accident earlier in the week. We came home from dealing with both issues and sat down after having had a nice dinner. My mom had been at our house and was watching Squeaker.

We sat down and she started complaining about how I cut Squeaker's hair. I had trimmed it a bit, no it wasn't fabulous, but darnit the kid screamed the entire time I was doing it. I didn't want to pay someone I didn't know to listen to him scream and had planned on getting it cut professionally by someone we both go to who I thought would do a good job in a week. Well D said "You've done nothing but bitch since she cut his hair - at least she finally cut it." She looked at the both of us and said "I'm done, I quit." I of course sat there in stunned silence, attempted to calm her down, but at that point she unloaded.

By unloaded - I mean she came up with things that had happened 3 years ago to complain about, when she's upset she says a lot of mean and nasty things. I generally able to let it slide off my back, but some of the things did bother me. She was upset about my still breastfeeding especially since we're still having feeding issues. (Yes, I'm still breastfeeding and will continue until he's 2) She complained about the dogs and how many we have... and on and on it went. I asked if she would at least watch him through the holiday weekend and she said no. I'm not proud and I did beg her to watch him as my thought was how the heck am I going to find a babysitter on a holiday weekend. She left in a blaze of glory or as if an atomic bomb had gone off and said she was never coming back.

I spent Thursday night crying and fretting. D started searching in the phonebook for daycares and we called a friend. I needless to say was able to find another babysitter - a very good friend of ours who introduced us luckily is off from work for the summer. She's going to watch him on a part time basis until July. Friday we went and visited an in home daycare and were able to feel comfortable about this woman watching our son at night 2 nights a week.

Let me just say all of this has been incredibly difficult. I hate arguing with my mother. It tends to make me physically ill. This time was no different than in the past... it made me sick to my stomach to listen to her angry words and do nothing. I do nothing because I'd rather preserve our relationship then have it be the type of relationship she and my sister have of only talking occasionally. I did defend myself, but mostly I just listened. One of her words did hit a nerve... the one where said I wouldn't have anymore children. Because I don't know if I will and hearing her say it with such sureness really hit me hard. It's one thing for me to be unsure it's another thing to have someone else say it.

The whole daycare thing has me worked up in nerves as well. My son has never been to daycare... I'm terrified of it. I know this lady is nice, but I'm fearful we'll be kicked out by him uttering a bad word or by him just not sleeping well... and what happens if D or I get hung up at work, etc... it all just overwhelms me to think about it.

My mom and I are slowly talking... it's not like it used to be, and I'm not sure it ever will be. I worry about her on a daily basis and I worry about how the relationship she has with my son can be salvaged and kept intact. Ultimately I'm a worrier... I'm just trying to adjust to this new normal.

Sorry It Has Been So Long...

It's not that I don't think of blogging... because I do. It's more a not sure what to say. I'm in the in between state. Am I still an infertility blogger if I'm not trying to get pregnant? Well yeah and no... It's complicated.

We still are on the fence about even attempting to have a second child. Things are so busy and we're enjoying Squeaker so much that we've mutually decided that we'll table the discussion until Squeaker is 2. So when that happens believe me we'll work through our post traumatic stress disorder and blog about our thoughts. Until then I live in a state where babies are great, but I love my toddler even more.

We've been fortunate that our jobs are relatively secure. I say relatively because hiring freezes and wage freezes are something that we deal with, but at least we have our jobs. How's that for positivity?

My mom is still the Nanny... and that is good most days. However if she has a bad night with the dogs and Squeaker... well needless to say I hear about it... and since stress is not my mom's forte well it gets a bit ugly. Usually leaving me in tears and her pissed off. She generally gets over it, but in the time it takes for her to get over it I'm on egg shells, because truthfully I have NO clue what we would do for childcare without her. We work nights... finding a daycare that does nights would be awful and not easy. I thank the good lord every day that my mom is able to do this for us because I hate working days and have no desire and neither does D and unfortunately both of us have to work.

We're still struggling with the feeding issue. I'm still nursing... If you would have told me that at 20.5 months Squeaker would still be nursing when he was first born I would have told you you were nuts. Primarily because it took us SO very long to get the hang of breastfeeding... now it's easy. In the beginning it was SOOOOOO HARD. I hated people who thought it was easy. I have a friend who would tell me on the phone how easy breastfeeding was in comparison with pumping. I wanted to poke her eyes out. Thankfully she never visited because I was able to refrain from doing that. I don't know how long we'll nurse for. I assume at least until he's 2. After that I'm not sure. A part of me leans toward the child led weaning. The other part of me wants my body back.

In dog news... we still have all 5 dogs. They still drive us nuts on an almost daily basis. However Blue (one of the pups) is in love with Squeaker. It's the sweetest thing to see him come running from the bedroom. Stop give Squeaker a nudge and Squeaker give him a pat. Then head to the door. The two of them if given the opportunity would be inseparable. I have images in my mind of what the next few years will look like with the two of them.

D's parents are still... well still D's parents. I try not to let them bother me. Unfortunately next week my FIL is coming and the week after that both my FIL and MIL will be coming to visit. So I'm sure I'll have much to talk about. Lets just say I'm not extremely excited about these visits. I'm tolerant of them. They're his parents and they make him as nuts as they do me. So that's in my favor.

Ultimately life is good... and that's all I can ask for.