Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Over My Head

I'm sure you've heard the song... and while most of the song does not pertain to the situation aka "not negative" this song has been playing constantly in my head... In particular the chorus. Everyone knows I'm in over my head... blah blah blah...


Finally got the call from the RE's office. U/S is scheduled for next week Wednesday. They were happy with the betas and my progesterone level. So yeah uhmm... we're still "not negative" and we'll maybe change our tune next week.

Anyways so that's what's happening here...

In the meantime life goes on... I go back to work Thursday... I'm not planning on telling my coworkers about the "not negative" or the PICU position. I let my manager know... if someone asks then I'll be honest otherwise let them find out whenever they do is my thoughts...

Historically speaking bad things have generally occurred on a Friday night while I'm at work - so one big heeby jeeby will be crossed if nothing bad happens by Saturday... ultimately all we have is time on our hands, and hopefully I'm patient enough for that time to go by.

I uhmm still have nothing to report in regards to the "not negative". I find it easy to even forget about it most days except for that handy dandy prometrium pill I get to pop up my hooch three times a day. Was that tmi? Probably... Anyways I have 3 dogs that are trying not to drive me bonkers. I have a afghan that I need to finish soon before the dogs tear it apart by stealing my yarn... and I need to finish my wedding scrapbook. I've gotten through the part where I walk down the aisle...

So what's new in your neck of the woods and anyone have a life jacket just in case I am truly in over my head...

Monday, May 29, 2006

Well Hmmm...

First hCG: 697 mIU/ml Second hCG: 1280 mIU/ml
hCG Difference:583 mIU/ml Time Difference: 48 hours
Total hCG Increase: 84 % (1.8)
Daily Rate Increase: 36% (1.36) Two Day Rate Increase: 84% (1.84)
1st Day hCGAs If:948 mIU/ml 2 Days hCG As If:1285 mIU/ml
Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 84% and is considered adequate.

My progesterone level for Saturday was 19.3... so yeah uhmm still "not negative". Will know more tomorrow when my RE's office calls and we discuss u/s etc. On a positive note it's nice to be thought of as "average"

Please again NO congratulations... last year at this exact time I had properly doubled betas and that was ECTOPIC. Yes, these numbers are different, but we are waiting for that definitive something in the uterus with a heartbeat. Then we'll breathe a bit. Until then... we're trying not to jiggle anything loose... expecting the worst but hoping for the best.

*Graph and percentage increase courtesy of http://www.grunebaum.com/tools/

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Deja Vu

I know some wonder why we're so adamant about not getting our hopes up... Right now things feel very deja vu like...

A year ago... seriously a year ago to the day I told D I was the "p" word. At the time things had started with bleeding - so I also said "don't get your hopes up things just don't feel right." A few days later I was called for an interview for a position that I really wanted. I also got the news that my betas had properly doubled. Gone from 235 to 545 and was told that's great see ya in two weeks.

I ended up not getting that job and well... that pregnancy shortly after the 545 began bleeding again and it turned out to be an ectopic- but of course we didn't find that out until multiple beta levels and a d/c the day before my birthday.

What's different this time... a few days... and I got the PICU position. I will now be a nurse in a pediatric ICU... I hope I'm up to the challenge. So now I wait for the other shoe to drop because as history has shown us... we have crappy luck.

Response to comments: I had expected pithy comments in regards to the fact that D and I apparently are bunnies and can't figure out how to use a business end of a condom to save our lives... instead I got sweet comments. I'll take that.

Anonymous - Interesting... that works...

Erin- said it best NBHHY to quote getupgrrrl... I can go with that. I have no bleeding... in spite of starting prometrium late at 12 dpo... I got the position where I didn't last year.

Dino - asked if we even knew how to get a true negative... My mom if she had had all the children she was supposed to would have had 13 pregnancies. She has 3 living children. Apparently the ability to conceive has been passed down without regard but the ability to carry a pregnancy she forgot to pass that part on.

All - hope is something I'm trying to keep the lid on. If this is the first time coming to this blog if you read my "about me" you'd realize that habitual aborter or recurrent pregnancy loss takes a lot out of any couple... having been "not negative" 7 times this last year and 8 times total with no take home baby to show for it - let alone an u/s... leaves my husband and myself with the thought of if it's bad luck then it'll hit us upside the head just when we least expect it. Generally right after we get our hopes up. This is why we're of the jinx factor. If something good comes of this then that would be fabulous. If something goes wrong... well all I can pray is that we don't have to schedule a d/c the day before my birthday because seriously that would be the thing that would send me over the edge.


Emergency Update System


This interruption is to update regarding the fertility cycle... There are some ground rules... if you can't abide by them then don't comment okay? See the rules at the end...

We apparently have no idea what a "rest" cycle entails... and somehow in spite of our best efforts (okay they were shoddy at best) managed to get what we are calling "not negative" rather than that awful p word we will not be calling it a p until well after an u/s (never gotten there before) reveals something in the vacinity of the uterus with a heartbeat. I started the prometrium back up a week ago and the hpt's have gotten darker... We have the first beta result of 697 for 19 or 20 dpo. No we're not getting excited or our hopes up. We've been burnt to many times now to do that. If we are of course proven wrong - GREAT... if not then SUCK... but either way we're doing okay! Just wanted to give you guys the news.

This concludes the emergency update system... please go back to your regularly scheduled programs and lives... and uhmm yeah... not sure what else to say but it's "not negative".

The rules are as follows...

1. Do NOT call this the p word... either of the p words okay?
2. No congratulations...
3. Keeping your fingers crossed and praying that this not negative turns into a p is fine.
4. Sending me false hope is not... we have a shoddy record. The last time we had this kind of a number it was ectopic. I again am not getting my hopes up until we see something with a heartbeat and it's located somewhere in the uterus... because really not wanting a shot in the ass of battery acid is not too much to hope for.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Happy Birthday!

Today is D's birthday.

We celebrated last night. Suffice it to say we went low key on the presents because well hell everything I thought of buying him he poo poo'd and said was too expensive as he wants the washer and dryer. Okay... We'll get right on that then. So the coffee I did buy him he absolutely loves. One of the kcups in one of the boxes was broken.... leaked coffee all over creation. The company was nice enough to replace with his next shipment and add some samples of new flavors for D to try. He's tickled pink. I tried yesterday to get D to go for some video games... there was nothing out there that he wanted. DVD's? Nope... Massage?? Nope... He's becoming me... seriously I'm the difficult one to buy for not him!

So what's going on in our world? Our dogs apparently think we are their own personal jungle gym. Lola has taken to "hugging" us. She likes to become a fur muff especially when she sees you typing on the computer. It seems all her little energy goes to hugging you with of course kisses. Lola has never been encouraged to "kiss" and well someone must have taught her and it wasn't me... Chance, Ernie? I blame them? Chance and Ernie not to be outdone have taken to trying to overtake our pillows... lay on us more than usual etc. We had to fight through 3 dogs to get to each other for a goodnight kiss... that was ridiculous. Not to mention the two smallest dogs (Lola and Chance) are the hottest of the bunch... so our air conditioner has been working overtime to keep us nice and cool.

Stay tuned for scenes from the next dog invasion... this weekend I may have some news about that position... keep your fingers crossed it's good news.

Saturday, May 20, 2006


I find myself thinking all these great posts, coming home from work and then not being able to rememeber a single one of those posts.

D is back at my mom's and is dealing with a fox problem... he and his dad are going to attempt to rid my mom's property of this particular varmint... namely because D came home yesterday to my mom hysterical that the fox had killed something... and it was the same size as Lola. Not to be outdone my mom also was talking of the fox's beautiful red coloring and that she'd like to dye her hair that color. That's my mom.... all crazy goodness.

Her air conditioner is now installed and I'm so so very happy about that.

Her crazy dog behaves when in a room with me... 85-90% of the time... no freakouts... the other percentage of the time is measured in freak outs... D's thought of reading Cesar Milan the dog whisperers book really hasn't helped much. I apparently need to read this book per D... he always forgets that most of the problems don't happen on my watch but on his and my mom's.

Less than a month and one of my favorite authors will release a book I've been waiting patiently. Yes, I'm a geek. I LOVE to read. It's my addiction and yes the books I read are pure trash or fluff. Nothing serious, nothing textbook like or murder mystery. D's book addiction involves true crime, military sagas (real of course).

Alright off to work... not the best post but it's a post. I also could have sworn it was a full moon last night... nope just a beautiful spring night which equates to the knife and gun club coming for an ER visit. Makes for a less than safe night so to speak.

Friday, May 19, 2006

What's Cooking?

Not a lot going on for me... but I find myself reading everyone elses blogs and wanting to pummel someone if I was given the opportunity. I almost took that opportunity this morning with a doctor on the phone... I also when I saw him almost said "Why did you have to be such a jackass on the phone?" I didn't... want to know why? He had a bunch of med students standing around him - not a good time to make the doctor aware of his inadequacies as a man and a doctor. It was close though... and by close I mean I had to bite my tongue...

ESPECIALLY when he had the audacity to ask why a certaiin group was taking over rather than the trauma docs... lets see YOU were the jackass that called them in because you had NO patience? Now you're regretting this because that service doesn't do well with fresh complicated surgical patients with only one kidney that normally have blood pressures 160's... they wrote no paramaters for blood pressure and wanted me to get rid of the meds that were bumping her pressure up.. gee uhmm not so good. He was livid this morning and he wasn't so thrilled with nursing's response to his outrage. We finally looked at him and said "We didn't consult them YOU did if your panties are getting in a knot it's not our fault." We did this of course out of hearing from the residents and med students... it's just bad form to take an attending out at the knees in front of them...

Anyways so can everyone tell I'm back to work??? Yep with a bang... D leaves to go back to the other side of the state... I've placed an order with a coffee company for about 6 boxes of kcups (that equates to 150 cups of coffee to 300 cups of coffee depending on strength of the coffee) and as for the massage I think that's a no.. the last time I took him for a massage he complained about it for 2 days that it had screwed up his back so not a good possibility. Video games are always up for grabs as are some shirts and maybe the thing he has been covetting the most other than coffee - sandals. We're pretty low key I hate surprises so I already told him about the coffee. It was worth it. The look on his face was that of sheer glee...

I hate to feed the addiction to caffeine, but I figured if I bought a bunch of beer then I was just sending him on the path to alcoholism... (just kidding D doesn't drink very often and at most it's 1 -2 beers a week... the lush) I on the other hand have made him into a consumate bar tender he can make a mudslide, sex on the beach, chocolate martini, and sangria with little effort... now if he could only learn how to make a long beach iced tea we'd be all set.

Lola is better now thank goodness... the tagamet seemed to do the trick. I had forgotten that tagamet is used in severe allergic reactions (the IV kind of course) and knew that tagamet was safe for puppies because Chance had had to take it when he was on steroids before... so we started giving her that and while it could be a combination of things... She's away from the hay, it's a couple days out... all the other stuff is working... we think the tagamet did the trick. Only has a few spots that still look inflamed. Apparently it could take as long as 2 weeks to fully heal. So D is going to have to take her out on a leash and long lead if he wants to let her play and romp with her brother Ernie... He's also been searching for a shirt/coat that would cover her chest, belly, etc so she could play without worry... no such luck nothing covers the belly... just the chest. Anyone crafty???

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Coffee Talk...

Okay now that I've depressed everyone under the sun and made each and every one of you go hug your loved ones and friends... Which I do think one should do on a regular basis... although if you would have asked me about that one this afternoon as my husband missed an exit for a restaraunt that I REALLY wanted to go to I might have said kick them instead... :) In all seriousness I love my husband but he didn't quite realize how HUNGRY I was... 2 hours later... he finally did and apologized profusely.

Okay I got nothing... I'll admit it. I'm still waiting to start injectables and good golly I have nothing to do but wait. So instead I'm going to pose some questions to all of you... feel free to offer advice/wisdom. Pretty pretty please! Talk amongst yourselves! (now if you know where that comment is from then you get a gold star!)

If anyone has any magic cures for dogs with hay allergy that have welts on their belly's and parts then send those cures my way.... somehow we've got to get her to stop running into the damn hay field and all will be better but in the meantime you roll her on her back and you see beat red lobster like welts on her chest and belly. She doesn't seem bothered by it... D and I however are VERY bothered by it. Of course we haven't gone to see a vet about this, but if it doesn't get better in a day away from hay then we'll see about it. Most likely involving D taking her to the vet... which he HATES to do. So right now we're dosing her weight appropriately of course with benadryl, tagamet, and hydrocortisone cream.

Season finales???? Which ones are you watching? Post spoilers I don't care... I love almost ALL tv so let it rip.

Now here's the real meat of my question... other than coffee and well a baby what can I give my husband for his birthday which is next Friday. Seriously... he's getting 4 boxes of k-cups (100 k-cups) as a gift from me... what else should I get him? Any good reasonably priced gifts. Seeing as what he wants from everyone else is money so he and I can get the front loading washing machine he's been salivating after. (One trip into home depot and the boy was hooked on this washer and dryer - who knew he'd become so domesticated!)

Monday, May 15, 2006


There are many things in this world that are unfair...

infertility is unfair...
cancer is unfair...
death is unfair...

When all three of those things occur to one person it is truly unfair. Jessica aka Cancer baby was affected by all three. My heart breaks for her family. I've read her blog off and on over the last year. Yet still I'm sitting here crying and left wanting to scream at the heavens "WHY?"

Please say a prayer for Jessica's friends and family as they try to cope with life without her.

I spent this past evening visiting with C. C is D's cousin's widow... she's a wonderful woman and tomorrow she has to meet with some big mucky mucks about the loss of M (D's cousin). Whenever I'm with C I'm reminded of my faith. She's unintentionally made my faith in God stronger... reminded me of it and encouraged me. Even in the face of all she's lost she still has this tremendous faith that it was God's will. We spent the afternoon crying. We were talking about how to quantify this loss... she thinks the saddest thing of all is that she will never be that naive again to think that everything will work out... that she would grow old with the love of her life... that her girls would have such a wonderful role model. That no amount of money will ever replace M - that he was and is irreplaceable to her and their children. That the only thing that brings her comfort is that the together forever they dreamed about is still possible, just not on earth but in heaven. It broke my heart and made me think of what I do have...

I'm lucky because... I have my husband and he's alive. Neither of us has cancer (that we know of)... yes we have early checkout as a fertility problem, but seriously if that's as bad as it gets then we're doing fine. I'm not making light of cancer or of Jessica's death, M's death or infertility. I'm saying that I need to recognize on a daily basis just how good I really do have it. I don't do that all the time and today more than most reminded me of why I need to.

So in closing... Go... be with the ones you love... let them know that you love them... Live today as if it was your last because unfortunately sometimes... life truly is unfair.


Not a lot to say during a cycle of rest... really... there's nothing to see here. I feel as if I've been on a permanent two week wait. Without the obsessing of symptoms of course. Add in that it's spring and raining well there really isn't much to say.

I could post of Ernie and Lola being a tad bit stir crazy. Okay a tad would be an understatement. My two youngest dogs are beside themselves for the weather to straighten out. I could talk about one of our new issues with our dogs...

I guess we'll go with the last one. Have I mentioned that all 3 of our dogs have various allergies? Chance had an allergic reaction to a vaccine a few years ago. To the point that he looked like a prickly pear. I of course didn't realize this until he'd probably been slowly expanding his prickly pear like look for a few hours. I realized this while on the phone with a friend while watching ER. Yes, I will not get the mother of the year award. Also I was in luck that I knew his weight and whille the emergency vet place would NOT give me a clue as to what to do... I was able to treat him and save myself about $400- there words were - We can't give medical advice out over the phone. Mine were - "I'm not going to sue you if this doesn't work."

Ernie's allergies fortunately have been pretty mild. I say this and hope that next week we don't find a new allergy of his. He's a sneezer. His is pollen.

We thought we had gotten lucky with Lola - the shots she's had they haven't been bad and no reaction. Our vet is cautious though and won't give her the same vaccine that Chance is allergic to as they are the same breed so it's possible that they could have a similar allergy.

Not to be outdone by Chance - Lola's allergy became apparent yesterday. Lola had been playing with Ernie and D fetching. She looks like a bouncing bunny as she chases after the air kong... well at my mom's house there is a hay field. Lola and Ernie have been running through the field. She smelled like hay and I gave her a bath. Within about 4 hours her under belly had welts. Not the kind from the scratchy hay, but the kind from an allergy. I gave her benadryl... today those have blossomed - it looks like a poison ivy rash - it's not... it's from the hay. Our youngest is sadly allergic to hay. I don't know that I've ever heard of that one before so this morning found us giving her another bath - just in case she'd been playing in the hay field... and rubbing hydrocortisone cream on her under belly.

So all 3 of our dogs are apparently "sensitive" who knows what the next allergy is. Sometimes it pays for me to just go to the pharmacy and stock up on all the various things because if I don't need it, the dogs might, or my husband might. My suitcase is now the traveling pharmacy. Will have to restock of course eventually. Until then I'll be feeding Lola benadryl and rubbing her belly with hydrocortisone. I'd take pictures but that would truly show how shoddy of a mother I am.

So how are things in your neck of the woods?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Under Pressure

I have that song running through my head... the last two days left me feeling as if I was under pressure. Sinus pressure that is. A front moved in and wow... it did a doozy on my head. I felt awful for two days. I had a conference for work that I went to that was just miserable. The speakers were good (although I couldn't understand one of them), but my head pounded along with them.

Today I woke up and finally feel as if I'm human again. Hubby is of course sleeping beside me and I should still be as well, but I feel GOOD... what to do? I guess the answer to that is BLOG!

Changes are under way where I work... a new manager. Is it for the better? I don't know. All I know is the position I have been coveting for a while came up for grabs and well I put in my bid. I don't dare hope that this will work out because well hell I haven't had any luck in the past. I will give it my best shot. So this weekend I prepare... I prepare answers to questions for an interview and have hubby quiz me. I know the interview probably won't happen for 2 weeks, but still start preparing now right? I need to shop as well... I have no real career clothes. Maybe a jaunt to the outlet mall is in order? If you can hear D screaming at the thought you'd be about right!

Spring is the time for change right? Hopefully that will be what this Spring has in store for me. I'm tired of the same old same old... now the tricky part would be if I was working days for a few weeks how to fit in the u/s and bloodwork? No idea... I guess we'll figure that out when we get to that point. So stay tuned... I'm no longer under pressure... but I'm all about Changes!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

National Nursing Week

Oh yes and in honor of National Nurse's Week May 6-12th... go uhmm say thank you to a nurse.

I was going to put hug and thought yeah uhmm please NO... not into invasion of my personal space. So if you know a nurse send them a note saying thanks. What this week means for me... some weird gift from the hospital... by weird I mean WEIRD... one year it was a license plate cover, another a bag, one year a leather portfolio... so apparently CASH is not on the table. We received for hospital week a watch... (I'd rather have cash, but that's just me and I'm a greedy bitch!)

So again let the nurses you know know you appreciate them!

Good Deeds?

I had forgotten to tell all of you of our good deed. Stop laughing - we're a nice couple. It is possible that my cynical husband might do a good deed.

The other day while driving home from - getting new tires (which really pissed and stressed me out) and having a wonderful hour long massage (which did the opposite made me into a limp noodle) - we witnessed something as a nurse and paramedic I NEVER want to see again. A motorcyclist turned left and then lost it hitting a pole and sending the motorcyclist tumbling.

Now amazingly enough I actually saw it happen. This is amazing because as D calls it I'm the world's worst witness in a vehicle. I zone out - I'm somewhere else - looking at the trees, the radio, the back of my eye lids. Well somehow I managed to see it. D didn't even have to point it out to me.

We were also the ONLY vehicle to stop and see if the motorcyclist was okay. This was a busy road - lots of people saw this occur. We were the ONLY vehicle to stop. The motorcyclist - denied injury although he was limping. He popped up and ran to the bike as soon as he quit tumbling. D asked if he wanted us to call anyone, the cops, ambulance, someone to come get him? The motorcyclist denied all of those things. Finally he asked if D would help him get the motorcycle back up his leg was sore but not sore enough that he wanted to go to the hospital for it. D helped. D also noted the license plate number. The motorcyclist tried to get the bike going again to no avail.

We again asked if he wanted us to call anyone... No - but could you drive me to a friends house? Okay sure if it's near by. So we did that. In the back of my mind I'm thinking Gosh this kid looks young... maybe I'm just getting old? I wanted to ask do you want us to call your parents, but figured that would be rude. We dropped the kid off at the friend's house. I wrote down the house number and we then called 911. By the way we'd farted around for about a half hour at the time we finally took this kid down to the house - someone should have been there by then. That many people see something like that 911 is called almost immediately. 30 minutes of farting around and no ambulance, sirens, fire etc. Apparently they showed up at 35 minutes. So we get back down to the accident scene, D gives the officers the info and tells them where we dropped the kid off at.

We then leave and go grocery shopping. Phone calls start coming in... from the city cop, then from the sheriff's department. All wanting to know a description. I gave the description as somehow I managed to get all the details in regards to the kid. I said he looked 12, about 60 kgs (120 lbs) very scrawny. Well after grocery shopping I began to wonder if maybe I didn't do a dyslexic thing... I'm bad about transposing numbers. I'm not dyslexic- it's just something that happens with numbers for me. I am a freak about memorization of numbers (phone, social security, drivers license, birthdates, addresses, etc) however when stressed i tend to transpose a number here and there. It happened when I had my car accident back when I was 16. I had all the numbers for the drivers home phone number- so her parents could be called, but I switched one number with another. Just happens. No rhyme or reason, only when stressed. So we went back to where we dropped the kid off - no cop cars... I looked at the house number, and it was right. D drove down a bit and there were the cop cars.

Now here's where it gets interesting... we did something that was against our better judgement. The kid did not act like anything illegal had occurred. Not wanting to report a personal injury accident is not a crime. The kid had the key to the motorcycle. I saw it. I'm positive about this.

Turns out the kid was 15. He'd stolen the bike. He'd asked us to drop him off close to home. If you can imagine D cursing - you'd be right. D never disclosed to the officer's he was a cop. He's glad of this. I laughed the whole ride home. While we helped to catch the criminal we also unintentionally aided him as well. Looking back - I'd do the same thing. We'd farted around long enough that cops should have been there. If this kid would have been seriously hurt his "golden hour" in trauma speak would have been toast - oh and this area we were at was only maybe 5 minutes away from a level I trauma center so ambulances and cops should have been quicker. I'm glad he wasn't hurt. I just wish he had been honest.

Lesson learned - next time we'll a) call 911 ourselves since apparently the idiots that drove by and didn't stop gave the wrong address, b) wait with the victim, but not drive them anywhere just in case they oddly enough may have stolen the vehicle they just got in an accident with.

So quit laughing... we'll still do an occasional good deed, but we may ask next time for your license and registration.

Friday, May 05, 2006


"When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have."
– Stephen Hawkin

I received the above quote in an email entitled "Daily Inspiration." Looking over the last year and one month since we started this ttc saga I think I can safely say my expectations have changed significantly. I have none. Below is a list of what my year has included. Looking over it again objectively I thought - "Train wreck!" So after my little list I'll tell you what I think now.

Since March 2005 we've done
1. March/April 2005 - negative
2. April/May/June - positive - started with bleeding at 13 dpo, properly doubling betas, bleeding started again, beta
dropped, then plateaud, and then D/C - ectopic - tx with methotrexate.
3. June/July - on a break
4. July/August - negative
5. August/September - chemical pregnancy betas of 17 and 20
6. September/October - on a break
7. October/November - Supposed to be on a break - endometrial biopsy - luteal phase defect, bleeding, beta of 7
8. November/December - clomid and progesterone - negative
9. December/January - clomid and progesterone- positive betas of 24 and 48, bleeding at 4 wks 5 days dropping betas then
plateaud then dropped so chemical pregnancy
10. January/February - on a break
11. February/March - injectables and prometrium - beta of 3 and 5
12. March/April - injectables/prometrium beta of 5 and 25 then bleeding beta of 9 chemical pregnancy
13. April/May - on a break April/May 2006

I think my first thought was how I am not looking forward to next January when I go to my OB/GYN and have to fill out that damn thing that says gravida x, para x, aborta x - cause geez those stats would seriously look atrocious and the poor nurses at the OB's office are going to go "there there Sami" and I'm going to have to punch them.

Our expectations back in March of 2005 were - we're going to have s*x and we're going to have a baby. In June they were well that really sucked... now what? D's position went from lets keep trying to - "I don't want to kill you by trying to procreate." (maybe not his exact words, but that's the gist). In September we both looked at each other and said lets get our asses to the doctor and see what he has to say about all this crap. In January it said "God our luck is awful." In April we said - yep we're not the norm - expect the unexpected out of us.

That's the bottom line right now. Our expectation is zero. We still have hope, but it's gaurded. Our hearts are a tad bit more cynical about hpt's, pregnancy, and that doctor's know even an iota of what is going on with my body. Because all of those things have proven to us on more than one occasion that they aren't worth a hill of beans. HPT's - lie - at least for us. Just because it turns up positive does not mean that it's even an acceptable level of hcg in my system. Pregnancy - well hell unless you're talking chemical pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy. Next time we'll be calling it not negative at least until we have a heartbeat and that heartbeat is in the uterus! As for doctor's - While I have tremendous faith in my doctor's, they don't know everything. My OB back in June told me that it couldn't possibly be an ectopic pregnancy... I mentioned it like 5 times are you sure it's not an ectopic, you're certain it's not an ectopic... only to wake up to poor D saying "You know that fear you had that you were f'd up? Well you were right on... it was ectopic." That was a kick in the teeth. The OB when I mentioned luteal phase defect - he thought for certain not likely... only to get a call saying yeah uhmm definitely a lpd. My RE who thought for certain this lasts beta of 5 was nothing to even worry about that we'd just stop the prometrium and get the next cycle going... had to make the embarrassing phone call saying "I was wrong - you were right."

We've learned a few things this past year and a month. This list is a bit more upbeat.

1. We (D and I) can depend on one another.
2. Our families while they don't quite get it want to help... when your fil who is very uncomfortable with sex can ask "How are things going - did the tests come back okay (meaning hsg)? with a full blush it means he's trying.
3. That it's better to just do the blood test rather than getting our hopes up with a hpt - even when I can tell you what my beta is going to be. We'd rather deal with numbers than +/-
4. That somehow we've managed to grow closer to one another in spite of all of this.
5. That doctor's do not know everything. That if your gut is telling you one thing - believe it until it is proven wrong.
6. That 5 is something D will never let me forget again.
7. That there are other people, places, etc that are much worse than where we are right now.
8. That our pain cannot be compared to someone elses. That our optimism and hope may cause other's pain - but if it does it's not our problem - everyone has a right to cope in whatever manner they choose to - our drug of choice may cause pain for others, but if it's what gets us through the day, week, month, year whatever then that's okay and we do not have to feel guilty about it. EVER.
9. That friends who truly love you will understand 8 - even when they are the ones who are hurt by it as long as you tell them why.
10. That the internet is full of friends who will embrace you when you go to that first appt and see the words in black and white "habitual aborter" and understand why you are now sitting back a bit and saying well that really sucks as a diagnosis.
11. That you are not the only one who has purchased "infertility puppies" and made them into your children. (We bought Lola a month into our journey... she's now a year old do you think it's time for her to get a new brother or sister???? D says NO, not unless he's over here permanently because he's not raising another puppy on his own!

These are the discussions that go on in my house. D and I talked a great deal on the 3 hour drive Wednesday night. Church tends to do that for both of us. I think that going back to church was a good thing for both of us. I don't think God is punishing us for not attending church in the last few months... I've never felt that way. I think this is just what was written for us to have to deal with. I'm a firm believer that all will work out in the end.

Ultimately maybe our expectations aren't zero... but they just aren't as "rose colored" as they used to be and I do appreciate every little thing that I do have to be thankful for. Including all of you.

I have other posts waiting to be put up so stay tuned for some screwed up good deeds that occurred... believe me you will laugh... aging pet woes and probably a post about work... I've got nothing but time on my hands for the next few weeks on the bright side - I don't have to worry "Am I pregnant" this month. Boy that's a load off my mind.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

What have I been doing?

My goodness time is certainly NOT flying. We're on cycle day 11. Considering I'm about a week away from ovulation at best. I'm a notorious late O kind of gal. Have I told you time is not flying?

So... I'm not working right now, I'm off until Friday. Want to know what I'm doing?

In no particular order.

1. Watching tivo'd episodes of - The West Wing, ER, Law & Order SVU, CI, and Conviction.
2. Staying up late and watching soap net for episodes of General Hospital - love the Jason/Sonny thing going on, All My Children, and One Life to Live - for some odd reason I'm rooting for Tess and Nash... the soap I usually watch Days of Our Lives I read the spoilers, but the ABC soaps I've somehow gotten hooked on it. I'm ashamed to admit this.
3. Finished reading "Marley & Me" by John Grogan... bawled when I came to the part of how Marley (a golden lab) helped him and his wife cope with a miscarriage. Cried again when I got to the end of the book.
4. Pissed off Grandma - sorry just had to throw that in there... again wasn't sorry for it.
5. Got my baby/kid fix by visiting with baby Riley and Cady - who cracks me up to no end. Seeing my husband wrestle to get a 5 month old into a pair of pajamas was quite the comic relief.
6. Helped my mom figure out what furnace and air conditioner she was going to purchase and help fill out all the financial paperwork etc.
7. Shower without the threat of water leaking in the basement.
8. Refrained from calling the RE's office and asking can we do this this next cycle, what about this, what about that...
9. Googled - recurrent pregnancy loss treatments, dosage of progesterone for luteal phase defect, and is it possible to ovulate later than that 36-48 hour window after an hcg trigger - pretty much came up empty handed on the last two questions - damn google.
10. Cuddled with my three mongrels and my mom's one.
11. Caught up on the various blogs I read routinely... am hoping to comment more.
12. Reminded my husband that we have tickets for Phantom of the Opera on Thursday night.
13. Bought new tires for hubby's car and watched our savings account go down down down.
14. Shocked hubby by doing number 13.
15. Am currently out of trashy smutty historical novels and am in dire need of something to read... seriously can't my favorite author's suck it up and put out some more stuff for me to read?
16. Have reread about 10 novels in the last week.
17. Have balanced my checkbook twice. Would have been 3 times, however the weekend got in the way.
18. Oh and Cady is calling my husband Bob... I went to say goodbye and she goes "Where's Bob?" I'm like "Bob?" She nods and goes "Yeah where's Bob?" I think Colleen, her mom, D and me all got a good laugh at that one.
19. Planning on cooking pancakes and bacon for dinner tomorrow night...
20. Planning on going to church Wednesday night. D didn't realize that I had Wednesday night off... and once he did and I mentioned church... he said "Yeah that sounds like a good idea."

So Wednesday night should be interesting... I don't know that I've mentioned the reverend at our church... he's a nice guy, but very very conservative and he's also been doing a huge push for money for the church school. To the point that my mom is offended by these repeated requests for more money for the school fund. He's very old school so to speak. I can only imagine what the sermon will be when he sees D and I in the congregation come Wednesday. (Wednesday nights are notoriously informal) so that's why we're going then... that and we're not even remotely close to being morning people...

So yeah that's what I've got planned so far... anyone else have any suggestions? I've got at least 17 days more to get through so there will be another 8 day stretch without work that I'll have to get through. Always open to suggestions.