Friday, April 27, 2007

Fraud... Dogs... and well...

I'm not looking for reassurance and those of you still in the trenches I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings. That is never my intention when I write posts like this.

Yes - I know I'm pregnant. However truthfully right now at 17 almost 18 weeks I feel like a fraud. I've been blessed with so far a relatively low key pregnancy - if you block out the weeks of on and off spotting. I don't look outwardly pregnant - and those of you that do and are due about the same time as I am - congratulations at least you don't get to hear "You're shitting me" when you tell someone you are pregnant and how far along you are. You also probably have something to say when others ask "How are you feeling?" I however respond with - fine. Then look at them as if to say am I supposed to give you more? Even my friend that is due a day or two after me asks me so do you have x, y, z? My response of no frustrates her as she has had to deal with heartburn, round ligament pain, and a few other less than savory things. I know my time will come - but I apparently am a late bloomer.

I'm flopping around like a fish out of water. I know there are things I must and need to do to prepare - however I truly haven't. There are little things that don't feel quite threatening to do - such as I've bought some clothing - however I did most of the buying way back in the first trimester and well before we were even pregnant. I did buy a stroller off ebay - very good deal and hope that it lives up to the expectation I have for it. Maternity clothes - yes -however that's only because my pants don't fit right. I still look flat so to speak, but I've gained about 8 lbs so that weight has to be somewhere and while the b**bs are bigger they are not that big. However crib - have looked, have not been able to bring myself to actually put a deposit on it and have it ordered. Bedding - have made some inquiries in regards to having a quilt made, but am not making any final decisions until well who knows when. Lets hope I give the woman enough time. Baby registry - yeah it makes me want to break out in a cold sweat trying to figure out what the hell to register for and the bad part is that not one store has all the items I want so that is where the bigger problem lies. Also how the heck do I make people understand we want to do cloth diapers and we'd like to just buy a package deal and this is the website that the package we want is at, but I can't register for it and to make them understand disposable are great - but if you give us a bunch odds are pretty high that they'll be donated to a local shelter without looking like ungrateful snots.

My mother wants to talk about a baby shower and while I know this is exciting for me the thought of a baby shower just makes me want to throw up. With my husband's family there are certain people I'd rather not see. However trying to come right out and say that to my mil and have her understand why is well anxiety producing. While D is always in my corner I hate putting him in the middle and while he doesn't truly want to see this person either it sometimes is easier for both him and I to hide out in our house 3 hours away from his family and pretend that some of them do not exist. (No, we're not chickens, we just truly don't want to waste time or energy on these people.) However there is someone from D's family that I do want to come to the shower and fear she won't if the person I don't want to see does come. So trying to figure out how to walk that tight rope is just something that well makes me a little batty.

D wants to go to the other side of the state - I think more to hunt woodchucks and make sure all is fine with my mom than anything else. However the prospect of lugging 6 dogs to the other side of the state makes me want to hibernate. D's dad is supposed to have a retirment party at some point this spring/summer. I think everyone is waiting for D to say "Sam's showing" and then they'll set a date. To be honest I'm not a person that likes to be the center of attention and my fil's retirment is the last place I want to be the center of attention at. I can handle a baby shower - though I may wish I was allowed to drink heavily. I don't know that we - either D or myself will be able to do a retirment party. There are a number of reasons why D is hopeful that his mother will pick a weekend I have to work - again the relatives we don't want to see... (It's not just my feelings about these people it's also D's - I'm just more vocal in my opinion about them and have not hidden my feelings to his parents about these relatives.)

D is of course always my biggest champion and protector. He has fielded phone calls from his mom and tries his best to get her to understand that asking me "How are you feeling?" Every single time we talk just makes me feel weird. I'm not special. I'm pregnant. I'm not that open of a person in the first place so if all you get is "peachy" well take it and go with it. If I'm not complaining then life is good. Granted I don't generally complain even when things are sucky, but right now they are not. They are fine... I hate the word fine. I'd love to say fabulous - but I think that's a stretch as I'm always tired - but have been for about 28 years now so that's nothing new. I'm not a high energy person so while the EMS expo did kick my ass it had more to do with being awake during the daytime (not a day person) than anything else. D found it comical that I can come home after working 6 -12 hour shifts in a row, stay awake do laundry, clean house, play with puppies, etc however make me do something from 8 am - 5 pm and well I want to be asleep in my bed by 6:30 pm. I felt that way every single day of the expo. I just don't do well with sunlight.

So this is my whine post... I still feel more infertile than fertile. I'm not sure when that will change... However I know that the line for me is blurred and while I've been quiet on your blogs - I have been reading. I haven't commented mostly because my internet connection sucks, but also because I do feel like a fraud in both venues.

*Puppy update - I think we will be keeping both Blue and Pepper. I gave D a deadline of May 21st. May 21st is when they both are scheduled for their nip/tuck procedures. I don't think at this point it's a good idea to separate the two. They are great puppy dogs and we love them equally as much as we love our other pups. Pepper is a busy girl and takes quite a while to settle down - we think she just has attention deficit. Blue comes in climbs up on the bed and lays down or sits and asks to be petted and loved on.

6 dogs and a baby? For D this is causing a boatload of anxiety. For me - not so much. I firmly believe that nothing in life has come easy or when we wanted it to. D didn't get a job over here for 2 years into our marriage. We didn't manage to get pregnant without a lot of loss and a lot of tears. We adopt a dog and end up with 6 puppies on top of the adopted dog. I pointed these things out to my mom and she said "You are so much like your father - you always find the positives and go with them no matter how hard it is to find. Nothing in life has been easy, but you've managed to try and make the best out of whatever was thrown your way." In contrast my husband grew up with a mom and dad who both tend to be fairly pessimistic and never quite got the - "You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it." So D has over the last 4 years we have been together slowly come to realize that he can do anything he wants to. However it never seems to fail that mister pessimism or pima (pain in my ass) comes out after having a conversation with his dad about having 6 dogs and a baby. I've lost my temper a few times and told him that he needs to suck it up. No, it's not ideal - however it's what God has handed us and it's not been for lack of effort on my part and his to find Pepper a home. She's our "crazy girl" and we're keeping her. Blue is my mellow boy and he's staying too. Unless his Dad would like 2 more dogs they are ours. Since I have enough of the phone calls regarding Jodi - that isn't happening.

D finally agreed that life with 6 dogs is not as bad as it could be. We don't have monster dogs. We did get an estimate on a fence with installation. I have no idea how we'll find the money to do a fence, but we will. My mom wants to help out with this. So sometime this summer we will be having a fence installed. Life with 6 dogs will become easier. It just takes time and patience.

Nobody ever said things in life were simple or easy and infertility did not teach me that.


Mandy said...

I had all these great, witty things to say and they've all just left my head...Damn. Once a blonde, always a blonde...


Just my 2 won't necessarily be a bad thing to have SOME 'sposies on hand. We used them until KT had passed all signs of meconium (sp?) poops b/c I wasn't gonna try to scrape road tar off of my CD's. Plus we use them when we're out and about sometimes b/c the thought of carrying dirty diapers around in the diaper bag is one I'm slowly working through. And we use them in a pinch when KT has blown out all of her covers and I'm doing wash. So, like I said...just my 2 cents.

And if you do decide not to use them, no one will know that you're being an ungrateful snot and donating the. I only got like 2 packs of diapers though. Maybe you'll be lucky like that too. I know you were going to put a package together, but is there any way to set up a registry where people can buy individual items? I think that's what helped us b/c many knew we were using CD's.

Okay, for having all my comments fly out the window, this got pretty wordy. But not a surprise with me, is it? ;)

Kristin, Rod, and Miss V said...

I was going to suggest you do something similar to what I think I remember Mandy doing (letting people know in the shower invite that she was CD-ing). There's no shame in it, and no matter what you do you'll hear both sides of the issue from people.

We ended up registering at Target and BRU, and I think I spent hours online comparing products each place, and adding and deleting things as I read more.

On a side note... you ARE special. A woman's body is an amazing thing. Even if it's not in your usual nature, it's OKAY to let people treat you with a little extra care and tenderness. You are growing a baby in your belly!!!! You need less stress, and those around who love and care for you only want to help you through this amazing transition called pregnancy and motherhood.

Maribeth said...

I think this has to be normal in what has been such an abnormal time. I mean, most people go to bed, screw and bang, preggers and they pop off a kid. It hasn't been like that for you and so how can you feel normal and comfortable? Just hang in there.
As far as the dog thing goes, well people all think I am nuts too with my 4. But they each give me a little something special and I couldn't part with any of them.

thirdtimelucky said...

omg I think you have my in-laws. They seem to see the negative so easily and often my husband comes off the phone with them all negative and I have to turn him around.

DinosaurD said...

Hey Sami - thanks for the e-mail (and you know that pictures of Ernie are always welcome).
I completely understand the whole "fraud" thing. I am also not commenting much anymore and I refuse to comment and leave a link that takes someone to my "guess what I'm pregnant" blog (except that you don't allow me to post annonymously). But I also don't identify with most of the IF and now pregnant bloggers out there.
I beat you though with procrastination - I bought the first baby clothes today (at 28 weeks) and we joke about how the baby can easily stay in a dresser drawer for the first little while if necessary (and no, we won't actually do that but we still can't bring ourselves to buy any furniture or equipment). I have said that if we make it to 30 weeks, then we'll tackle a bassinet, car seat and change table but that's it.
Love to your dogs (I'm so envious). It's going to be great for you with the new fence this summer.

Kath said...

Dear Sami, it's so good to hear from you. You don't sind whiny to me at all! In fact, you are one of the un-whiniest people I know.

It's not bad that you're not really showing yet -- at least you get spared questions from acquaintances... And as for your baby shower dilemma, I'm so glad I don't have to think about that here -- they're just not done in this country. I'm sorry a few of D's relatives give you allergies. It sounds awkward. Have you thought about diluting the pool a bit by having more friends attend, so the unpopular relatives are less dominant? Or are they so vile as to automatically ruin any event they attend?

As for the diapers, I do think Mandy has a point -- unless you get a truckload of disposables, a few can be good to keep on hand for day trips and emergencies. This was the policy with my little brother, and it worked really well.

The question of buying things for the baby has not come up here yet. I fully understand your reluctance... it still seems like such a huge leap from here to there, doesn't it?

A big hug to you, my dear.

DD said...

You shouldn't feel like a fraud. It's probably more like feeling on the cusp of something, just not knowing what. It's hard to let yourself feel joy or keep expectations high when karma seems to take those as cues to fuck with you. It'll come, but don't worry if it doesn't tomorrow, next month, or even the next trimester. Just know, it'll come and it will be for you, not for us.

(BTW...I'm kinda jealous. I haven't received any puppy pictures lately... :( ______)

xavier2001 said...

OMG, I felt like I could have written parts of that last post. I am at the same stage of pregnancy as you, and I just feel like a fraud. I refuse to wear maternity clothes out of the house, and can't shake the feeling that something is going to go terribly wrong before this pregnancy is over.

Thank you for writing that, it is so nice to know that I am not alone.