Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Did You Remember What Today Is?

My mom had the audacity to ask that question of me today. My response of - "Of course I know what today is, but I didn't want to mention it to you unless you brought it up." Was met with a brief "aha".

Four years ago - my dad died. My mom still grieves for him. With all the problems at my childhood home (the pipes freezing) which caused a tremendous amount of damage. My dad I'm sure heard all about it as she still occasionally goes to his grave and yells at him for whatever has gone wrong with the house. I know it sounds irrational, but if that's what she needs to do, then that's okay by me. A few people are hounding my mom to either sell the house or have it demolished. She admitted to me why she can't do either of those things... she feels if she gets rid of those things she's losing the last connection she has to my dad. They picked out the house together. I'm not one of the few encouraging her to sell or demolish. Yes, it would make my life easier not to have 2 houses to worry about, however I recognize why she has to have the farm and am on board. D is as well.

I still think of how my dad would have reacted to having a little boy named after him. I wonder what he would have thought about my little boy. I know he would have loved him unconditionally. I know he would have enjoyed Squeaker just the way he is and he would have embraced the nickname "Squeaker" and just ran with it. He would have spent hours making my son giggle and grin by making Donald Duck noises and by just being a Grandpa to him. I know that my dad would have taken my son out for a day and brought him back filthy from head to toe, but he would have bathed him and gotten him ready for bed and just enjoyed letting him be a little boy.

So today I told my son about his Grandpa... and told him that he's up in heaven, looking down and protecting him... Squeaker grinned at me and snuggled up with me. For just a moment I felt close to my dad again... I hadn't felt that way since the night he died... when the police officer told me to "drive carefully" and gave me a speeding ticket... It was one of those moments that I knew my dad was with me... and he was with my son. It wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but it would have to do.

Below is my son... 6 months of age... he's got the best smile, just like his Grandpa had.


Rachel said...

I am sorry about the anniversary of your dad's passing. It must be hard not being able to share your son with your dad. I am glad that you have good memories though.

Squeaker is a cutie! I love those eyes.

DD said...

The house my mother grew up in is in desperate shape: basement caving in, roof caving in, windows shot out and broke. It's "abandoned" in the sense that it has been empty for 20 years, but she won't let us safely demo it. She grew up as an only child, her mother died when she was 3. I think she feels that once she loses that physical reminder, it will ALL be gone. It's hard for her.

To help her with some things, like vandals and whatnot, we have boarded up the house the best we can. We take old trim and make picture shelves, Mr. DD and I took the columns outside and had them put in our new house, etc. Are there parts of your Mom and Dad's house that she can take with her?

Lastly, your son is so gorgeous, I can hardly imagine how handsome your Dad must have been.

Amy said...

You're right -- Squeaker has a gorgeous smile (and have I mentioned in the last five minutes how much I love his eyes?).
I think those very same thoughts about my sister with Sean. How much she would've loved her nephew and how he has her eye color. I'm sure your dad is proud of his grandson. :-)

OHN said...

My kids never knowing my mom is one of my saddest thoughts so I think I know how you feel. Squeaker is absolutely adorable. I really miss that giggly age :)

Kath said...

Dear Sami, what you wrote brought a smile of sadness and recognition to my face. I see my dad too when I look at Banana's smile, and that makes me miss him more acutely while also giving me the sense that he is more present than he has been in years. I, too, am sad beyond words that he will never meet his grandchild.

Squeaker is utterly adorable! Those eyes -- that smile!

Brandy said...

I'm late on this post but wanted to tell you how beautiful it was and how much it touched me. I lost my dad 5 and a half years ago and it still pains me that Aiden will never be able to truly know him. Your squeaker is an absolute doll baby though and I'm sure your dad would have thought so too.

Oh and Aiden has that "Best In Show" t-shirt and I just LOVE it!

DinosaurD said...

I hope that when I am gone there is someone who cares enough to go to my grave and yell at me. I get it.
Squeaker is absolutely adorable but I know that you know that already.