Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Being Broken...

In my real life there has been a rash of pregnancy announcements... and I'll admit to being torn. One couple I'm extremely happy for - it took them greater than a year and she was getting ready to start delving into modern medicines interventions when it happened. The other... it was an oops and their first child is about 18 months old. When talking with her about it she alluded that the other should be happy because she got to "try" to get pregnant. I told her that basically trying isn't all that much fun. It took 2 years of trying for SD to be here and lets just say the trying gets old when that occurs. I don't think she understood. I know she didn't. If you haven't lived in it then you don't understand. Although I will admit to wanting to punch that person. I refrained.

I recognize that some of this is jealousy. For me to even think about trying it involves a trip to the RE. I don't want to take the chance of having a doomed pregnancy because I don't make enough progesterone on my own to support an "oops" pregnancy. I don't want to take the chance that it "might" work. I want a pregnancy to know that it has the full support of everyone and anyone. We just don't want to take the risk and I'm okay with that. However it hasn't made me go through and schedule an appointment with the RE yet. Key word is yet. I want my cycles to come back to normal and to wean SD before that occurs. I
think the reason why I wanted to punch the one newly pregnant woman is that she had a luxury I don't have. I can't just try and see what happens.

However I had my yearly appointment with my regular guy and I mentioned that we would probably start trying again and go to the RE. He supported that go to the RE thing. Which reminded me that in the reproductive bits... I'm still broken. That's a little disheartening even if I already knew it. It's one thing to know it yourself... it's a whole nother story to have the medical professionals agree with you.


Maribeth said...

Sam, I refuse to believe you are broken. I'm broken because I have no uterus. I'm truly broken.
You, my sweet friend, are challenged. I will hope, and I will pray that your challenge won't be so great this time around. But if it is, I'll be right here cheering you on!

The romantic query letter and the happy-ever-after said...

You have my prayers and fondest wishes. What you are suffering is the most difficult thing any woman has to go through so remember to give yourself a credit. You're strong, I know for you haven't given up.
All my very best,

Amy said...

I feel your pain. I was reminded of my brokenness myself recently when I had my 5th miscarriage :-(. It still sucks. If your DH is on board with seeing the RE again, I say go for it! (My DH is against it so we're kind of on our own).

DinosaurD said...

Congratulations on the no punching thing. At least that part works, no????
I have to admit to being a tad excited about the "yet" part of the post.
I am still reading a whole 2 (or 3) blogs and yes I'll eventually start doing something with facebook but right now.... too busy and swamped with work and the wee one to do anything but eat, sleep work and repeat (oh... and play with the kids somewhere in there as well).

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

I know exactly what you mean. It's been raining PG announcements lately, and I'm suffering full blown envy.
And when they start putting each small-time local celeb's PG in the newspaper, I really want to explode!

Trying again is just as little fun as the first round, I'm afraid. But I hope you won't have to do it too long.

Nora Dalasta said...

Sam, I totally understand the strain that miscarriage and fertility issues can put on a friendship with someone who has no problems getting or staying pregnant. I've had the experience of my life taking a different direction than another aspiring mom friend and our friendship just couldn't hold up under the change in circumstances. I just read this awesome new book that is a super honest look at one woman's struggle with miscarriage and stillbirth and how that affected her relationships with everyone around her. Sounds depressing but i actually laughed out loud in a lot of places bc I could relate to the crazy thoughts going on in her head. Here's a link and good luck to you and your family!