Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Obla Dee Obla Dah...

Life goes on... Oh... Lalala life goes on... Sorry Ernie wanted to say hi... this was back in June when we went to the other side of the state. We'll have more after this trip. I'm sure the dogs will be quite photogenic.

Remember the song? Remember the show??? No? You don't remember Corky and Becca and their parents and Paige. Okay so I lived most of my teen years watching TV and reading books. I'm boring like that.

The beginning of this post is me and my personal freak outs... Don't mind the crazy lady - it's just me. The second part is puppy pictures. You've wanted them... now you have them.

One of the things that I struggle with is that right now as of this particular minute the NN is doing fine and I still feel like I'm waiting for a shoe or boulder to drop on me. D doesn't feel this way. I end up looking like the crazy one at doctor's appts, the freaking m*tern*ty store that I hate with a passion, and anywhere else when people start questioning me too much. I'm a snoop and read one of D's emails to a friend and he talked of my paranoid ways... and truthfully I wanted to punch him. I'm not a violent individual, however I wanted to punch him. It's one thing to say to me "Sami you're paranoid." It's a whole nother story to say it to someone else. His only saving grace was he didn't say it to his parents - that would have been grounds for a real throw down.

I know men and infertility and men and loss especially early losses like the ones we had react differently. D has always reacted differently to a pregnancy than I have. He was the optimist - which to know him is to find shocking. I am the pessimist. While I have no ill wishes for the NN I pray nightly that this will work out. D has this subtle confidence that it will. Once we got through the u/s that showed a heartbeat and then the first trimester he was on the bandwagon of everything will be fine. My freak out about the heart - didn't happen for him. However he was relieved that I had connections so we didn't spend 6 weeks in limbo! So there are some contradictions that occur. He just is of the opinion - it will all work out. Which is normally me - actually that is me in regards to the dogs and having all 6 of them.

He doesn't fret about things - I fret about the finances, I fret about what the heck I'm going to wear to this shower, I fret about the gifts that we'll receive because in my mind I have a replay of our bridal shower where we received I think 2 items off our registry and the rest including 3 electric skillets (already have one thanks) had to be regifted or returned because of course no one liked where we registered at. Ultimately it made me hate showers. I wasn't that keen on them in the first place. But when you have to regift, return, exchange, etc a good majority of the items you receive it's not fun.

This is the stuff infertility and recurrent loss has left me with... I wish I could have a shower where it was all my friends from the internet and it would have an open bar for those still in the trenches and the food would be fabulous. (now I know the food will be great at this real shower, but there won't be an open bar) Because honestly you all get me. Where as those that see me in real life - don't. They just don't get it anymore. They can't figure out why I'm still a little weird about the whole pregnancy thing. Why I'm counting down the weeks and going - phew 29 weeks is great, but 30 is better and so on and on and on.

I feel as if I'm in a leaky boat and I have a life jacket on and someone says - you're almost to the island - don't get lost. Since I have a shitty sense of direction I'm hoping that my compass will guide us to shore. To land... because ultimately we all want off the island. It's just that uncertainty of being kind of in limbo - you're planning for shore, you're planning to make land and sometimes along the way there still are rough waters or storms and your ability to handle them is a bit diminished since you're not on the island anymore, but you're not on land either. Make sense? Shitty analogy, but hopefully someone gets it.

So in closing... Life goes on right? That's what I'm doing just taking one day at a time. Trying to stay sane, still blogging, still reading and still here. Just a bit quieter - popping my head up and saying nothing to see here move along just seems so boring. Now for the puppy pictures!

This was Blue trying to sleep. Yes - he thought it would be a good idea to sleep like that.

Pepper, Blue & Lola in the back seat. Lola decided she'd rather sit with them and then push Blue off the seat than be up front with us.


Michell said...

Very cute dogs. I sort of understand what you mean about the paranoia. I haven't experienced the losses that you have but have seen enough of other people experiences to know that the whole idea of pregnancy scares me almost as much as I want to be pregnant. I will probably be a basket case the whole time and counting down to the weeks when I would consider it viable. Lots of good luck and well wishes though to you.

Maribeth said...

Greta dog pictures!
You know Hubby is the optimist in our house too. I always know that things are going to go to hell. He knows everything will be great. He's my rock.

Catherine said...

I get it. You're hoping like hell that your leaky boat doesn't sink. And having your husband sitting there telling you it'll all be fine makes you want to hit him upside the head with an oar. I really get it.

Catherine said...

Oh...and I LOVE your puppies!

Mandy said...

I love the comment from Catherine, especially the part about the oar! LMAO on that one.

I get it too. Plain and simple -- you've had shitty luck for too long and it makes it hard to believe things will go right up until the very moment they do. I was a basket case when I was pg. Even with the doppler, the movement and the numerous ultrasounds. Until that baby was here and I could see it with my own two eyes that he/she was healthy, I was scared to death something would go wrong. Human nature my friend. You get burnt a couple of times and you're always cautious of fire. ALWAYS.

I hope the shower goes well. I can only imagine how melodramatic it could be with D's family. Wish that I could fly in for the weekend, but with A's wedding in September there's just no way I can scrape up the cash. Even without an open bar I'd make sure to keep things lively! Between me and your mom...well...I'm sure you can only imagine. LOL

Mandy said...

Thanks for the dog pics too. I love the one of Blue trying to sleep. Silly boy.

Amy said...

Sami, I get it. I swear, I get it more than I could ever express. I haven't lost near as many pregnancies as you, but I still feel the four we did lose. And those thoughts you just put out there? Those are mine! It's amazing what multiple losses will do to a person, huh? Hang in there, honey (I need to take my own advice -- hang in there). Email me any time!!!


DinosaurD said...

Love Ernie (I know you're tired of hearing this). Does Lola not know that it's summer or is she just very modest (in reference to the t-shirt)?
I congratulate you on counting down the weeks - I counted down the days - "30 weeks and 2 days", "30 weeks and 3 days". The funny thing is that I still don't really believe it happened - even now when I can hold her. It's not that I believe anything bad will happen to her, it's just that I don't believe I could have ever been so fortunate.
And when I was pregnant, I refused to talk about the due date at all (except with my husband and a friend who had a 26 week premie several years ago who is now in kindergarten).
Keep on going Sami - it's not too much longer. I wish I could crash your shower :-)

Rachel said...

Your dogs are beautiful/handsome! My husband wants a weimreiner (sp?) the next time we get a dog.

As far as being in freak out mode, you've earned it. Men are different and they just don't understand us. When the baby is here, you will be excited.

Shinny said...

My husband doesn't get it either. We haven't been through as many losses as you but still this whole being pregnant again and nothing bad happening yet is still not totally comfortable for me. He is talking about getting a crib, EEEK!! I don't think I am ready for that just yet. Good luck to you and I hope that all goes well. I am with Catherine and will bring an oar if you need us. ;)

Question about the dogs. My neighbor has a weimereiner(sp?) and she can not get her to stop digging. Any suggestions? I know you have done so much training with yours and I am too lazy to go back through all your posts to see if you hit on that topic. Thanks for any help you can give me.

OHN said...

I think all of us that are bonded with the shit that is IF, can completely relate to the men vs women dynamic. At one point I honestly considered divorce because I knew he didn't understand my fear of pregnancy loss again (even after all the other losses). A friend convinced me that it wasn't just a problem that we as a couple were having that it was ALL men not having a freakin clue. I am trying desperately to raise my sons with empathy etc but honestly I think the male species is missing that chip in their cerebral cortex that really would help them understand women!

As for the dogs....I love 'em! There is a lady in my town that drives a convertible with 3 weim's sitting as passengers..it is a great sight to see!