Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Obla Dee Obla Dah...
Life goes on... Oh... Lalala life goes on... Sorry Ernie wanted to say hi... this was back in June when we went to the other side of the state. We'll have more after this trip. I'm sure the dogs will be quite photogenic.
Remember the song? Remember the show??? No? You don't remember Corky and Becca and their parents and Paige. Okay so I lived most of my teen years watching TV and reading books. I'm boring like that.
The beginning of this post is me and my personal freak outs... Don't mind the crazy lady - it's just me. The second part is puppy pictures. You've wanted them... now you have them.
One of the things that I struggle with is that right now as of this particular minute the NN is doing fine and I still feel like I'm waiting for a shoe or boulder to drop on me. D doesn't feel this way. I end up looking like the crazy one at doctor's appts, the freaking m*tern*ty store that I hate with a passion, and anywhere else when people start questioning me too much. I'm a snoop and read one of D's emails to a friend and he talked of my paranoid ways... and truthfully I wanted to punch him. I'm not a violent individual, however I wanted to punch him. It's one thing to say to me "Sami you're paranoid." It's a whole nother story to say it to someone else. His only saving grace was he didn't say it to his parents - that would have been grounds for a real throw down.
I know men and infertility and men and loss especially early losses like the ones we had react differently. D has always reacted differently to a pregnancy than I have. He was the optimist - which to know him is to find shocking. I am the pessimist. While I have no ill wishes for the NN I pray nightly that this will work out. D has this subtle confidence that it will. Once we got through the u/s that showed a heartbeat and then the first trimester he was on the bandwagon of everything will be fine. My freak out about the heart - didn't happen for him. However he was relieved that I had connections so we didn't spend 6 weeks in limbo! So there are some contradictions that occur. He just is of the opinion - it will all work out. Which is normally me - actually that is me in regards to the dogs and having all 6 of them.
He doesn't fret about things - I fret about the finances, I fret about what the heck I'm going to wear to this shower, I fret about the gifts that we'll receive because in my mind I have a replay of our bridal shower where we received I think 2 items off our registry and the rest including 3 electric skillets (already have one thanks) had to be regifted or returned because of course no one liked where we registered at. Ultimately it made me hate showers. I wasn't that keen on them in the first place. But when you have to regift, return, exchange, etc a good majority of the items you receive it's not fun.
This is the stuff infertility and recurrent loss has left me with... I wish I could have a shower where it was all my friends from the internet and it would have an open bar for those still in the trenches and the food would be fabulous. (now I know the food will be great at this real shower, but there won't be an open bar) Because honestly you all get me. Where as those that see me in real life - don't. They just don't get it anymore. They can't figure out why I'm still a little weird about the whole pregnancy thing. Why I'm counting down the weeks and going - phew 29 weeks is great, but 30 is better and so on and on and on.
I feel as if I'm in a leaky boat and I have a life jacket on and someone says - you're almost to the island - don't get lost. Since I have a shitty sense of direction I'm hoping that my compass will guide us to shore. To land... because ultimately we all want off the island. It's just that uncertainty of being kind of in limbo - you're planning for shore, you're planning to make land and sometimes along the way there still are rough waters or storms and your ability to handle them is a bit diminished since you're not on the island anymore, but you're not on land either. Make sense? Shitty analogy, but hopefully someone gets it.
So in closing... Life goes on right? That's what I'm doing just taking one day at a time. Trying to stay sane, still blogging, still reading and still here. Just a bit quieter - popping my head up and saying nothing to see here move along just seems so boring. Now for the puppy pictures!
This was Blue trying to sleep. Yes - he thought it would be a good idea to sleep like that.
Pepper, Blue & Lola in the back seat. Lola decided she'd rather sit with them and then push Blue off the seat than be up front with us.