Update

Move along... nothing to see here.

Appropriate growth and a heartbeat of 117. It measured between 6 weeks 2 days and 6 weeks 4 days. Repeat u/s on 12/23 right before Dr. Sarcastic is out of town on vacation. We could have done it on 12/27... a part of me wants the reassurance before the holidays and the other wants it for when NN 2.0 is a few days older etc. I don't know what the right answer is... go at 8 weeks 1 day or at 8 weeks 5 days... I have a few days to make up my mind definitively. Go with Dr. Sarcastic or Dr. Sensitive...

My mom is upset that we haven't told D's parents... they've kind of pissed me off right now, so yeah I'm probably punishing them for it... I've apparently taken an angry pill in regards to all of this.

Grrrr...

So... this morning I received a phone call from the RE's office stating they were changing my u/s time. 1.5 hours earlier than the original appointment and that it would be with Dr. Sensitive rather than Sarcastic as Sarcastic will be in procedures. Here's the problem... D works tonight so he would not be home in time to go to this appt. I begged... I pleaded... the other alternative was to wait until Monday and have the u/s then. While I know I had the reassuring u/s last week I don't know that I could go that long since to be honest - I'm not positive I saw any flickr like he said he did. I'd rather know hey you can stop the progesterone or nope carry on... After much deliberation it was decided that we both would rather know one way or the other... so u/s tomorrow it is... alone. I may have D on speaker phone for moral support...

I also told D if I received bad news tomorrow I would never go to another u/s again without him. He agreed. He said - lets stay hopeful okay? Maybe the PTSD let up for a minute. I on the other hand am working on an ulcer.

So wish me luck... I'll keep you guys posted and positive vibes are appreciated. NBHHY

NBHHY or is it NCHHY?

I know it's been a long time since I've posted about something like this... as most of you know back to the RE we went at the beginning of November and in our usual fashion we jumped in with both feet. Why not right?

Then of course the panic set in... and then I did the obsessive compulsive how many dpo am I? When would I get a positive if it was going to be positive? Would I still have the ability to diagnose a dismal beta just based on the color of the stick?

Needless to say I've probably been a lot more anxious the last month than I normally am... About 2 weeks ago we had the first beta done and it was 76 at 12 dpo. The repeat was 210 so great doubling for me. We were slated for the first u/s on this Friday... however as always with me things never go quite as planned.

I was meandering in a field I had never known before... a pregnancy without any bleeding when wham... I slid off the road and landed with the front end into a tree. No air bags deployed, I was fine... the rental car not so much, but no one was injured. I of course as a good patient rather than the normal pain in the ass that I am notified the RE's office and was told - should be fine, no need to worry everything is well protected. 24 hours later I had my friend spot to keep me company. At this point I believe I was 5 weeks and a day. So the nurse said we should have you come in to at least reassure you that all is well. I had to work that night and while I was having some mild cramping I'm firmly of the belief with my body that it would either happen or not happen whether I worked or not. The next morning I drove the hour up to the doctor's office and met with Dr. Sensitive... Dr. Sarcastic was booked up. He came in and did the u/s. Miracles of miracles there was a gestational sac and a something or other... he swears there was a flickr and I think I saw what he was talking about... either way no evidence of bleeding so that was good.

So... now we're headed into those murky waters... our next u/s is Friday. Positive thoughts would be appreciated.

*I had to come out at work sort of last night, which is what prompted this. I didn't want to, but I know that you shouldn't do certain things if you are... and the person was being rather a pain in the ass when I asked her to do something for me she said "Why" and I said it's a personal reason, hoping she would drop it or take the hint... nope she goes no really why? I wanted to punch her. Then she got all freaky on me which is - oh are you okay, don't push that bed, etc. I thought to myself - you are psycho and I hate you for making me tell something I obviously wanted to keep just to myself rather than have every tom, dick or harry talking about me.

*The other reason I wanted to keep it quiet is that I wanted to tell another coworker first... she's actively trying and they have male factor infertility and I know how I felt about drive by pregnancy announcements. Unfortunately I haven't figured out when I'll see her next and it's driving me bonkers.

*So NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet or should it be Nothing catastrophic has happened yet? You pick. Those are the vibes to send either way.

* Oh yes and while my mother knows... my in laws do not know as of yet... that's a whole nother post. I'll be back to post about that fiasco.

Christmas Card 2010 Runner Up

Bubble Wreath Holiday 5x7 folded card

Make a statement with custom holiday cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Do they count?

So... I forgot to mention a weird conversation at the RE's office...

When asked about my past pregnancies I responded with 11. The little medical assistant looked at me quizzically and wrote it down... when good old Dr. Sarcastic came in he looked at it and said "really? I thought it was 6" Which then made me want to punch him because then I thought - do we just not count the positive pregnancy tests, but really sh*tty betas? Kind of like a do over?

While I think of them as chemical pregnancies... or pregnancies that just decided to screw with me - you know the one... beta of 5 then suddenly 4 days later 25... they still gave us that moment of hope before I was able to accurately predict my quantitative beta hcg based on the color of the pregnancy test.

So... if I go in there again I'll probably have to print out my about me page and say - see here... these are the ones you didn't know about because we didn't want to take the chance you wouldn't let us cycle or waste our money on lab tests when my ability to guess my beta was within 2 points. Yes, we really were that determined to get knocked up and no amount of "resting" was going to slow us down. Oh and by the way Dr. Sarcastic... that number should probably be 12 as I totally forgot to count the pregnancy that happened in 2001 where I had the boyfriend who asked me when I told him I was pregnant "you're kidding right?" Oh yes and Thank you so very much for changing the coding diagnosis from "habitual ab*rter" to "recurrent pregnancy loss" I appreciate it.

*Wow... this could be a bit rough going on here...

Christmas Cards

Holiday cards, christmas cards, thanksgiving cards... either way it involves stamps, envelopes, a picture that is drool worthy that show cases off your family - whether it be you and your husband, you and your pets, or you and your child... either way it creates angst and some definite anxiety.

A few weeks ago we had some pictures taken... I stupidly decided to dye my hair to cover the gray and... well the pictures that resulted my hair looked brassy and red and just awful. Needless to say I was devastated by them. I spoke with the photographer and she agreed to retake the pictures. So hopefully I will see the retakes in about a week and be able to order my holiday cards.

I'm writing this blog post mostly as a shout out to shutterfly who has great holiday cards . My favorite is this unfortunately I can't replicate that as I don't have a little girl for my little boy to be kissing... though he did give one of D's coworkers a smooch for a long period of time that I could have probably taken that pic :)

I haven't made the wall calendars but I might this year for my mom and in laws who want to see their grandson's bright and shining face 12 months out of the year :)

If you were the type to have a party - which I am not then Christmas invitations are the thing to do.

Either way I do truly love Shutterfly and have used them for the past 3 years for both my cards and photo books. So I highly recommend them.

*Yes, I am being rewarded for this post... however I really do love shutterfly.

Roller Coaster

So... today was the big day...

The go back to the RE day...

It was interesting... I essentially went there for him to say - here's your PIO prescription... which he did give me, but I also got the... if this doesn't work in a few months then we should talk about an HSG...

By the end of the appt, when we got up to leave I said - it's nice having a simple appt... and he said that hopefully we keep it that way... and at that point I realized that this may not be easy... we may not have "fixed" the problem...

That problem is me... or more specifically that b**** of a uterus I have that prefers to have a lining like a crappy motel mattress... lets hope the rest of the bits know what they're doing or this could be a really crappy endeavor.

So the question remains... are we ready to start shooting up again and put our hearts on the lines? Getting back on that particular roller coaster is terrifying... yet the reward is huge.

I filled the prescription... as for when we'll start using it... we shall see.

Light a Candle

Today is the day we remember all babies that have been lost either during pregnancy, during birth or after birth. All you need to do is light a candle at 7pm wherever you are and leave it burning for 1 hour. Please help raise awareness of this day as it provides a lot of help for those who have been unfortunate enough to lose a baby.

I will be lighting a candle.

Decision Time...

Wow... who knew deciding whether or not to take a 7a-7p position would be so difficult. I've had to do a pro/con list, talked with my husband, my mother, friends, etc. That should tell you how tortured I've been about this whole decision. Thursday morning I was offered the position with the schedule I wanted... and I think I'm going to pass it up.

One of the big reasons is I would not see my son as much as I do now. I would leave before he gets up and I would return home either right before he goes to bed or after he is in bed. If I work 2 days in a row that's 2+ days he doesn't see me. That's not fair to him. When I work nights he sees me before I go to work and during the day he takes a nap with his father and I. I think this was the deciding factor...

My mom and my husband both were not keen on this change either so yet another big naysayer. My coworkers were - which I feel honored about, but while they are my work family, they're not my family. I was ambivalent about it... unsure if I am really cut out to do a day job with all the people that are there, etc.

I have until Monday to make my final decision, but I think I have already. And... I just bought fertility monitor sticks, so hopefully I can get in to the RE by next month and we can start trying for number 2 if that's what we choose to do.

Decisions...

I've worked nights for the last 15 years... I briefly worked days about 10 years ago, but quickly went back to nights. Recently a position has been posted that would allow me to go to days for 12 hours- 3 days a week. I'm very torn. My husband works nights and has no desire to go to days.

Going to days means a lot of change for me... for an antisocial girl like me it would mean more people... more bustle... I like the people I work with. They're great. I'm comfortable.

I don't know if it would be better for Squeaker if I worked days or not. I don't know if it would be easier for my mom if I worked days or not... I'm very torn and indecisive about this. I don't know if when we add a second child to this family it would be easier for everyone if I was on days or not. It's just a hard thing to think about.

So... here I sit trying to come up with an answer and good old husband says "Do what you think is best." Gee thanks...

Six Years

I met this wonderful man March 31, 2003... well to be honest we'd met before, but I didn't remember him. Anyway... we met again on March 31st. He was coming to the city that I lived in to visit a mutual friend and needed a place to stay as mutual friend didn't really have much for him to sleep on except a couch and I had a whole spare bedroom. I offered up my house and went to work that night. I had a spark - that tingle in your stomach when I had opened the door. We went on a date the next night and the rest is history.

It was just right... we became engaged in February of 2004. I had already bought a wedding dress in December of 2003... I was that confident that we were getting married. I believe I told him... "Hey guess what... I got a great deal on this dress today." When he asked how much I paid and I told him... he asked what the heck kind of dress it was. I responded back with, "it's a wedding dress, so you better hurry up and marry me before it goes out of style." I asked him to marry me and he said I needed the cat's permission. He finally said it was HIS job... and that it would happen at the right time.

He asked me with a message in a bottle... I still have the treasure chest and message in a bottle. It sits on our mantle. Our parents were thrilled... my dad went ahead making plans, telling everyone under the sun and just generally being thrilled - we learned about the telling everyone under the sun at his funeral... which negated the idea of eloping.

So... on September 18, 2004 I married my best friend... a man who accepts me just as I am. We had no idea that our quest to have a family would be as rocky as it was. It was never my problem... it was our problem. He was by my side through the HSG - although he did get really warm and really pasty... and he was the one to tell me that our first miscarriage was actually ectopic. He even sat by my side as I had an in office d/c - in spite of that whole not good with stuff like that. I still give him cr*p about not answering his phone at 4 a.m. when I called to let him know that I was on my way home as my water broke.

Through all of this... I would marry him again in a heartbeat. So... Happy Anniversary my love!

Happy birthday SD!

Squeaker... SD.... Not Negative... These are just some of the names that my son has had in his 3 years of life plus 9 errr... 8 months of gestation.

Today marks his 3rd birthday. This beautiful, sweet, intelligent boy has brought so much joy to my life. I am a better person because of him. He is a rough and tumble boy. He's always climbing on things to get something. He doesn't let anything slow him down. He gives his mom, dad, and nana a kiss before leaving every day. He waves goodbye to each and every one of the dogs.

So... happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you very much!

Long time no see :)

Hi there, remember me... I know I know it's been a while, but in reality things have just been busy and to be honest there hasn't been that much to say. However I will update.

Infertility wise... we haven't set up the appointment with the RE. However my periods which have been wonky at best due to nursing are now getting a bit more regular so this fall we will have aow n appt with the RE. I just have to schedule it. I have their number in my speed dial so it's not like I don't think about it every time I scroll past their name.

Work wise... things are interesting. There may be the opportunity for a day shift position and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I think that days would be better for Squeaker and my mom. On the other hand it's days and days means lots more people lots more bullshit. I just don't know. I wonder if they'd let me do a trial and see how I like it before I actually commit? It's worth a shot. It would also mean seeing D less on the days I work as he's not going to go to a day shift.

Squeaker wise... still doing speech therapy and we did do an audiologist appt because he had to be referred for his hearing. Turns out - he hears just fine. Just doesn't speak. Although I do have to say that he is closer now than he was a year ago. Eating wise we still struggle somedays, especially without the high chair. Getting him to SIT and eat is a struggle. I'm not sure how to work that one out. On the bright side he tried a real fresh blueberry and a cherry. Prior to this he wouldn't have touched it with a ten foot pole. This week also brought hives... from what we're not sure. However it did resolve with benadryl and zyrtec so definitely an allergic reaction kind of thing. We suspect a sport drink that D let him drink, however it could have been anything.

Dogs... well Megan who previously was known as the good dog apparently was a wolf in sheeps clothing because wow can that girl be naughty. We thought Ernie was always doing things... NOPE... Meg is his partner in crime. The pups (Blue & Pepper) are doing great. Lola is her usual fiesty self.

My mom - still is having issues with her eyes. We go back in a few months to the eye specialist. I see a corneal transplant in her future... when who knows. She's also had some blood sugar issues recently which explains why she becomes a raging b*tch to me on occasion. I'd be that way too if my blood sugar was 37. She's keeping a food diary which hopefully helps her to see she's not eating enough hence the blood sugar issues. It's amazing what little sugar will do for your personality. :)

So what's up with you? And if you've read this far then you will see Ernie observing D & Squeaker fixing Nana's car. Yes he's in his underwear. No we're not completely potty trained yet, but on occasion we like to run around as if we are. It's a work in progress :)

Five Years

Five years ago I had my first d/c.

That d/c left me reeling... I also learned I had an ectopic pregnancy that day and got a dose of methotrexate. I came home and started googling. I'm sure I came up on one of Julie from a little pregnant's blog and decided to start my own at that point. What a wonderful and strange journey this blog has taken. I've come a long way and in that time I also learned a lot about myself and my husband and about the world wide web where I have made many friends.

Five years ago I did not know recurrent miscarriage was going to be my diagnosis or luteal phase defect for that matter. Five years ago I still had rose colored glasses. I thought this was just a blip in the road. Who knew that that would be the beginning of our journey.

This blog still serves a purpose and infertility is still a part of my life. We'll be delving back into the whole ttc business in the fall, so I'm sure I'll have lots to say come then.

Thank you for coming and wishing me a happy bloggiversary. I'm still here. I'm still standing.

What IF?

What if infertility wasn't a part of my life...

I have a hard time thinking of it. I am so far away from that person I was before infertility. The one who thought s*x without birth control meant a baby. It's hard to think of that person and wonder how I would be different. I would be though.

I would have a 5 year old rather than an almost 3 year old.
I would not be g12p1a11 (That just looks WRONG on so many levels).
I would not had to have taken IM progesterone.

My husband and myself would not break into a cold sweat talking about trying for a sibling, yet knowing we both want it. You would think that almost 3 years since the birth of my son we'd be a little less PTSD from all we went through, but we're not.

Imagine if they could say for sure what caused all those miscarriages - were they ectopics resolving on their own or were they just low progesterone?

Imagine a world without infertility... or at the very least everyone with infertility was able to be diagnosed and treated and those treatments worked... wouldn't that be a beautiful thing.

Infertility Awareness Week

It's all over the blogosphere that it's infertility awareness week and I figured this was a great time to retell my story.

My first miscarriage was when I was 21. An unplanned pregnancy where the guy I was dating literally said "You're joking right?" when I told him I was pregnant. He was relieved when it ended in a miscarriage - I on the other hand didn't know what to think. I knew it wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I was scared, but not terrified.

Flash forward 5 years to 2005 and I'm married to a wonderful man and we start on that baby making train. At the time we were living apart half of the time so timing was a thing we needed to just give it our best shot. We were successful after about 3 months trying... however things were weird. I started out spotting, then bleeding and yet still had a positive pregnancy test. I ended up calling my OB and he ordered a beta hcg with a repeat in 48 hours... I think that doubled, but the numbers were really low for where they should have been. Eventually I had another beta and that showed that the beta had fallen, but not where he wanted it to and we scheduled a d & c. I was for some reason worried about an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctor felt that wasn't the case. Flash forward to the day before my birthday and I awake after anesthetic to the news that it was indeed an ectopic. At that point I found the world wide web of blogs and started blogging.

By the time fall came around I had had another pregnancy with a wimpy beta and was pushing my doctor to do a endometrial biopsy to see how my lining was. We did that test in November and learned that my lining was not the plush pillow top matress one would hope, but a crappy motel mattress - no wonder pregnancies wouldn't stick. So - we tried clomid and progesterone supplements. We were hopeful this would fix things... alas it did not and at that point my doctor threw his hands in the air and said - you need to see an RE.

It took 2 months, but we went to the RE and he was impressed with all the testing we had already had done for recurrent miscarriage. I was devastated with the initial diagnosis of habitual aborter - it's just an awful diagnosis especially since we wanted a baby so badly - I know it's all about insurance coding, but come on come up with a nicer term please? He prescribed injectables after an HSG and to continue a different progesterone supplement. We continued to have positive pregnancy tests with wimpy betas. During a rest cycle (unmedicated) except for progesterone we had blighted ovum a year to the day of our previous d & c/ectopic pregnancy. We were beginning to be defeated.

Eventually we switched to IM progesterone with the injectables and off we were again. We did an IUI as well. I'm skimming a bit, but really no one wants to read of month after month of positive pregnancy test yet seriously shitty betas. It was about every other month that we were having a positive pregnancy test and each one would start off with that beautiful 2 lined test and the next day bleeding. It got to the point that I was able to tell what my beta was going to be based off the pregnancy test darkness.

We approached 2007 and decided we needed to take a break from formal treatment, after talking it over with the RE we decided to just do the IM progesterone and see what happened. If after a few months we'd reevaluate.

That was the cycle that became Squeaker or Not Negative Take 12. That pregnancy started off the same as all previous pregnancies... with bleeding. I had multiple betas and those had appropriate rise and were decent numbers, my progesterone was great. They have no idea why the bleeding. On January 31st we learned the pregnancy was in the uterus. The next week we had a heartbeat. We didn't feel out of the woods yet... we had an u/s every other week until we were released from the RE at 10 weeks. I spent most of my pregnancy in fear... I didn't think it was really going to happen until after 32 weeks... and then Squeaker came early at 35 weeks.

We were fortunate... not fortunate that it took 12 pregnancies total to have him, but fortunate that we have him at all and fortunate that in that journey to having him we met and found such incredible women and men who shared our journey with us. Maybe that was the reason - I don't know, but I'm thankful for having met you via the internet.

I don't know if our shot at a sibling for Squeaker will be successful. I can pray that it will be and I can pray that it won't be like the first time... however just thinking about trying makes me break out into a cold sweat - so stay tuned. In other words - not trying yet.

Way too long...

Sorry it's been a while. Things have been going well. Squeaker started speech therapy in February and in the last month or so he's really making a lot more noises and occasional word. We've decided on a preschool which is scary and all that rolled in one. It'll be 5 days a week and he'll still receive speech therapy as part of it. I'm nervous about sending my baby off in the fall for 5 days a week, but we want what we think is best for him. The teacher seems wonderful.

In January my mom had her cataract removed... since then things have been interesting. She has had an increase in her blurry vision to the point that I decided after a bad appt with her current eye surgeon to see a true cornea specialist. That appt will happen on Wednesday. A part of me wants her to just have the cornea transplant, and the other part of me is like suck it up. She's terrified of losing her ability to drive. I don't blame her it's a big loss of freedom.

In other news - we're in negotiations about getting back on the bandwagon of trying. Nothing official yet - no phone calls to the RE have been made, but it's something we're talking about - which is more than we've done in the past.

And yes - Squeaker is still nursing... which is a challenge. I'm trying to do the child led weaning and I remind myself it's not hurting anyone. He nurses for naps and bedtime. He doesn't take a bottle at all and so it's just a part of our daily lives. We're working on potty training.

So that's my update for the moment. Hang tight I'm sure soon I'll have lots to write about between the thought of trying and my mom there's plenty of stories out there!