Friday, February 03, 2006

I Had Hoped...

I had hoped to be happily pregnant by now... Now being the due date of our first pregnancy that ended in D&C/ectopic/methotrexate hell. The sad part is if I were to pee on a stick right now it'd still come up as positive... We - meaning Dan and I had talked about how we would handle having a baby in the winter what with winter being so topsy turvy... right now there's no snow... so our child would have been born during a very very weird winter. But twas not meant to be. We talked about it today... and we're okay... we know that in God's time we'll have a baby. We know we're frustrated, scared, anxious, and a bit terrified at the thought of injectables... and the cost that it will be. I'm terrified of the hsg... what if they find that I have tubes that have a big giant 90 degree angle to them? What will they do then? No answers... I don't know that we can do IVF right now... I just don't know that I'm willing or able to go that far right now.

I wish that infertility and treatment and diagnosis of infertility were covered by my insurance... I wish that no one ever had to go through this. I wish that I wasn't jealous of women who are so carefree and laid back about pregnancy, fertility, etc... I wish I didn't see red whenever I see a pregnant woman smoking... I wish I was naive' again... I miss the innocence of thinking that a pregnancy ends with a baby. I wish I didn't need the assistance of an RE, but am so very thankful that I have a nice one that I like and feel comfortable with.

Bottom line I wish things were different...

So this is how a crappy week ends... with a due date that is not yet passed... no baby for me, and fortunately the love of a very strong man who truly loves me just the way I am and truly hates that we have to go through this. I may have had to remind him that today was our due date... but I don't believe I told him what our due date even was... so he's forgiven... this time.

Excuse me while I go cuddle with him now.

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