Friday, June 29, 2007

Zero tolerance and... It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...

This week has been interesting - I've had to argue with our flexible spending account and am in the process of trying to make that all work out. I've got to still get the piece of paper to prove that our "prescription toothpaste prevedent" is actually what we purchased.

I've been playing phone tag with the county clerk as we're trying to get a transcript of "pe*ophile cousins" plea hearing. I've spoken to an assistant district attorney and know the full details of the crime he committed. The reason why we're going to this length is that D's family still does not understand why we are staying away. We both do not want my in laws to feel as if we're staying away from them, but we can not and will not go to family functions until we are assured he will not be there. We will NOT expose our child to this individual and we hope that when they learn the extent of his crime they will feel the same way. Taking this stance in a family that tends to put their head in the sand is difficult. We're the bad guys right now. The story that was told to my in laws is much different than what actually happened. We've been fighting this battle for about 2 years now and while I'm tired of it, I also know I am not giving up the fight. If it is one of the last things I do for D - this is important that his father understands. I don't think he really cares if his mom does as he feels she has been brainwashed for too many years to be able to take the hard line that we have. D's dad is hopefully able to read the transcript and understand that what he was told was a lie... a cover... a white wash of what actually happened. Everyone seems to forget that D is a cop and I am a nurse and that both of us deal with children that are abused on a way too frequent basis. Even if we didn't we would feel the same way. Zero tolerance... that is what we have.

In other news we've manage to piss off grandma again. Grandma being D's grandma. I prefer the term battle axe and old b*tch. Spiteful vindictive woman... No I don't have any anger at this woman at all? Her sil - D's great aunt was admitted to the hospital - we had no idea of this until she was transferred to a larger hospital and into their ICU. We were getting sketchy reports as to why she was in ICU and after a phone call to the hospital I learned she was in "guarded" condition. That's better than critical, but not as good as stable. She's old. She's frail. She sends us Christmas cards every year and she also inquires about us. She has always been nice to me when at family gatherings and actually interacted with both D and myself. She genuinely cared. We didn't feel it was fake. We still do not. I did not talk to great aunt, but I did send an "e-greeting" to the hospital as they offered this as an option. It was maybe 2 sentences. D's great aunt and grandma truthfully don't get along all that well - grandma is b*tchy to everyone so this is not a surprise. Well great aunt was tickled by our "e-greeting" and said something to grandma about it. Grandma apparently was "hurt" that we had not sent her a card. A) she's not in the hospital, b) she never sends us cards and c) she's awful to me. Why would I send a card? My fil said "well she didn't say it, but I can read her mind and it really bothers her that D doesn't come to family functions and doesn't call." First - D didn't call before all of the above occurred and second - she's not in the hospital. If she was she'd get an "e-greeting" as well. I've since sent out a get well card to great aunt... I'm sure that will send grandma about over the edge. Piss me off and I'll send a get well card or sympathy card to her as well.

D's dad asked me to talk to D and see if he would call grandma. I laughed at this because seriously does he think I am the puppet master? I handed the phone to D and D responded to his dad with - I'll put it on my list - it's right beneath fixing that pipe in the basement that leaks that I still haven't fixed in the 2 years we've lived here. (No D isn't angry at all.) He's so happy we live over here rather than over there.

Who would have thought I'd say "thank goodness my family is "normal" Because normal is not the word to use to describe my family. So - who wants to take bets as to whether grandma will be at the baby shower? At this point I'm hoping for not.

On to the second half - It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
*Pregnancy crap and paranoia ahead - be prepared*

After that conference in June I decided I needed to check out the M.I.S.S Foundation forums to see if I would find a home. A place that people would understand what I was feeling. While I know my losses were all early, my family losses tend to leave you with that inability to catch your breath just at the thought. It took me a bit, but after lurking for a while I posted my thoughts. The response I got was what I needed... it's normal. Because voicing the thoughts I've had seriously to "normal" people tends to leave them looking at you as if you've lost your freaking mind. While I know I haven't, it means I watch my words very carefully - even in this forum. I don't want smoke blown up my tookus - I want honesty. Sunday or Monday I didn't notice movement and of course a coworker had had the unlucky timing of mentioning that her daughter's gymnastic teacher had had a stillborn at 24 weeks this week and how awful that was. I came home that morning because of course NN was being a pita and not moving around like normal and grabbed the doppler out and found the heartbeat. I haven't pulled that out in a while so this was a new development. I posted this story in the forum and I finally heard "this is so normal". I needed that. I needed that because truthfully if I would have told this story to my OB he probably would have looked at me sideways and I would have had to kick him. I also know I didn't mention it to my coworkers because - again - they then look at me as if I have suddenly sprouted 2 heads.

No - I'm not comfortable with talking as if everything will be great. Primarily for the jinx factor. We're going through the motions that we are on the path of all being fine, but we are not in a comfortable state and I doubt we will be until the arrival of the NN. Making plans for the NN arrival means we talk quietly and D nags me to get on the ball about listening to the hypnobirthing cd's I should be listening to. Ultimately it means we do what is comfortable for us and what causes the least amount of anxiety. I forget that I am pregnant sometimes. My boobs are still out farther than my belly and truthfully I just look like I have a spare tire around my lower abdomen. I don't rub my belly like some pregnant women do when out in public. I don't do it because it's not something I do and also because I don't want to attract attention. Going into baby stores causes both of us anxiety - when someone asks when are you due?- we both go "God willing 9/30." Again - weird looks from store clerks. We've refused to get on mailing lists because I know how Mandy felt when things started arriving on her due date. Educating clerks about these things is always interesting. It makes me seem bitchy and paranoid and truthfully - I'm okay with that.

Ultimately in other forums - rather than this blog I do think of the happy ending.. I just can't put a voice to it yet. I probably won't be able to until the NN is here.


Kath said...

Dear Sami, good Lord, D's grandmother sounds like a terrible piece of work. How horrifying that anyone listens to her at all. Poor you, poor D, for having to deal with this unnecessary crap.

And as for your feelings about the NN, I hear you, sister. You are definitely not alone, and I'm glad you're getting that reassurance.

Seeing my due date on your blog made me smile all over again... so let's chant it together: "God willing 9/30."

Thalia said...

Yes, and I'll join you both, with God willing, 9/28!!

You're doing the right thing, Sami, I'm sorry it's so hard with D's family. And please don't second guess your feelings about the NN. THey are what they are, and no one is judging you. At least no one here, and it sounds like no one on that board either.

Maribeth said...

I live 4 1/2 hours from my family for similar reasons.
About NN. I understand. A friend of mine just couldn't deal with thinking about things normally until they put that baby in her arms.

Rachel said...

Are we related? I swear you have the same family as me. Everyone is getting their feelings hurt all the time over stupid stuff.

You are totally justified in keeping your children away from a dangerous person. I would do the same.

As far as the anxiety, I totally understand. I keep waiting for it to get better. I have had to walk out of stores in tears because looking at baby stuff was so overwhelming. Everytime I get excited about something, I feel guilty.

Brandy said...

I've only experienced one loss - thankfully - so I can't imagine what you've gone through. I can say that you sound completely normal to me. I didn't feel like everything was going to be okay in my second pregnancy until I was holding my NN in my arms. I never rented a doppler (only because of money - not because of a lack of desire) but there were definitely days when I wouldn't feel much movement and had to lie down and drink a TON of water or juice and wait/count movements until I felt better. The only connection I could make was that when I was up and moving a lot I was actually rocking him to sleep and he was napping. When I would lie down or sit still for an extended period (like at night) he would start doing baby aerobics.

Anyway, I know you may not feel normal sometimes but just remember that there are those of us that understand the feelings and are thinking about you!

Michell said...

Maybe you could send grandma a get well card saying "I hope you manage to get rid of that bitchy attitude soon" Sorry, yes I know that would probably make the situation worse.
I know what you mean also about the nervousness. I've never had a miscarriage and am not pregnant yet but being a nurse who worked NICU the whole pregnancy thing scares the crap out of me. Hang in there.