Did You Remember What Today Is?

My mom had the audacity to ask that question of me today. My response of - "Of course I know what today is, but I didn't want to mention it to you unless you brought it up." Was met with a brief "aha".

Four years ago - my dad died. My mom still grieves for him. With all the problems at my childhood home (the pipes freezing) which caused a tremendous amount of damage. My dad I'm sure heard all about it as she still occasionally goes to his grave and yells at him for whatever has gone wrong with the house. I know it sounds irrational, but if that's what she needs to do, then that's okay by me. A few people are hounding my mom to either sell the house or have it demolished. She admitted to me why she can't do either of those things... she feels if she gets rid of those things she's losing the last connection she has to my dad. They picked out the house together. I'm not one of the few encouraging her to sell or demolish. Yes, it would make my life easier not to have 2 houses to worry about, however I recognize why she has to have the farm and am on board. D is as well.

I still think of how my dad would have reacted to having a little boy named after him. I wonder what he would have thought about my little boy. I know he would have loved him unconditionally. I know he would have enjoyed Squeaker just the way he is and he would have embraced the nickname "Squeaker" and just ran with it. He would have spent hours making my son giggle and grin by making Donald Duck noises and by just being a Grandpa to him. I know that my dad would have taken my son out for a day and brought him back filthy from head to toe, but he would have bathed him and gotten him ready for bed and just enjoyed letting him be a little boy.

So today I told my son about his Grandpa... and told him that he's up in heaven, looking down and protecting him... Squeaker grinned at me and snuggled up with me. For just a moment I felt close to my dad again... I hadn't felt that way since the night he died... when the police officer told me to "drive carefully" and gave me a speeding ticket... It was one of those moments that I knew my dad was with me... and he was with my son. It wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but it would have to do.

Below is my son... 6 months of age... he's got the best smile, just like his Grandpa had.

What a difference a year makes...

I had every intention of putting up this post up on February 14th, however the broken toe, turkey incident shadowed that.

A year ago on Valentines day we seen for the third time the Not Negative... with his little heart beating, measuring on track body, sitting in the right place we were both excited and terrified. Every week we were panicky and scared that something would go wrong. Last year on Valentine's day I had 2 appointments - one with the RE and one with my OB... two totally different worlds.

The RE world - where they recognize that things don't always come easy and don't look at you as if you're nuts or paranoid for being anxious. Such a calming place to go as they "got" what we were feeling. The OB's office where things are taken a bit for granted. Where I was actually asked if I had 11 kids at home... where D wanted to have a gun so he could shoot someone so they would quit asking STUPID questions. Where I was given a purple folder with preregistration information at my 1st appointment... Never did fill out that preregistration stuff - WHOOPS.

Eventually we began to just see the OB and the stupid questions quit being asked. However I still remember all the appointments where my OB kept giving me the look of "relax already" and I wanted to punch him or at least kick him in the knee for giving me those looks. Then after Squeaker was born and the recap he had to shrug and say "We just don't know why PPROM occurs... and yes you are risk for that to happen again."

The year has been so wonderful on so many levels... and I am so thankful that I was able to have the lovely blog world be with me through that journey to motherhood... I do not say this often enough, but thank you for supporting me through all the crap I've been through. It has helped a lot - more than you know.

I'm not a social butterfly - I have only few friends. I haven't gotten "out there" to make new friends. D and I both are home bodies and we're okay with that. However there are times when I miss having close friends here near where I live... fortunately I can almost always get online and feel connected again to my internet friends and my friends in real life who now live far away. My coworkers are nice people, but I don't get invited to go out with them... and I don't feel included most of the time in the inner circle. Some days that's a great thing... other days it just makes you feel as if you're an outsider. I think for the most part i keep people at work at a distance- work is work and when I leave work I leave work. Yes, some of my patients will forever leave marks on my soul, but work does not own my soul and that I think is healthy for both me and my sanity.

I started this blog after having an ectopic and a d/c... since then many things have happened. All the emotions have been experienced and you have been able to watch me work through them. I am so very thankful for my internet/blog friends. I even sometimes feel like the popular girl - you know the one... the one you hated in high school - or is that just me who hated the popular girl in high school? Anyway I get to feel the love and not worry about what people think and that is a nice thing.

Fortunately Squeaker makes me feel as if I'm queen of the world and can accomplish anything. He's truly a happy little boy who is just a barrel of fun.

What Does A Frozen Turkey Have To Do With This?

What does a frozen turkey have to do with anything???

Well when that meets a cement floor and manages to land on your foot it generally is not a good thing.

Last night I decided that I was going to attempt some cleaning of our basement. First - me and cleaning are not a good combination. When I finished up my maybe 15 minutes of cleaning I decided I had better find the frozen chicken for dinner. We have 2 freezers. I started digging through the chest freezer and had to move some items including 2 turkey breasts in a bag. I picked up the turkey breasts and continued digging. The bag broke sending 1 turkey onto my left foot and the resounding thud and my resounding moan sent D running to the basement. He wasn't sure if I fell, something fell, or what but he came running. He calmly picked up the turkey and then helped me up the stairs. We looked at my toe and it was already black, blue and bloody. We cleaned it up a bit and I debated should I go the urgent care... could it be an open fracture? Would I need antibiotics?

After a bit of debate as Squeak had just fell asleep and the roads were shitty we decided it was best to go and get it checked out.

Five hours later - yes FIVE hours later I am missing a toenail and have 4 stitches and a beautifully bruised toe and yes it is an open fracture, so I made the right decision to go and get it checked out.

Oh yes and to top off this week on Sunday when my mom got home to her house the pipes had burst. So we've been dealing with the insurance issues and my mom's nerves as well in regards to the house, etc. She told D that she had to take a nerve pill yesterday because of the way the cleaners are cleaning her house. She'd rather have the tools and clean it herself. So my week has been fun - how about yours?

Oh yes and we haven't told her yet about the toe... I'll tell her tonight. So if you hear yelling it's my mom. Maybe I'll slip her a "nerve" pill?

We've Come So Far...

Sorry it's been so long. I'd love to say I've been galavanting around the countryside, however that would be a lie. I'd like to say I was just too busy but that would probably be an exaggeration as well. Truthfully I've just been reading blogs, working, and taking care of SD.

Before SD was born I dreamed we would have this great breastfeeding relationship. That it would work wonderfully. I went to a class on breastfeeding and felt prepared for what was to come. My coworkers told me stories, gave suggestions, etc. Then he was born and instead of a full term infant I had a preterm white boy who was so whimpy even the lactation consultants were saying "pump... pump... pump". We spent the first 3 days having nurses on our ass about blood sugars and a physician even threaten if he continued with the low blood sugars that he would end up in the special care nursery. I resorted to formula at that point and continued to deal with the sleepy baby.

We came home and I would try for 15 minutes to get him to latch and stay awake. We tried with a nipple shield. Then I'd pump for 15 minutes... every 2-3 hours around the clock.

The next day we went to the pediatrician, were diagnosed with jaundice and it just seemed to get worse. My nipples felt like they were going to fall off and two days later I went to the lactation consultant. The lactation consultant took one look at my nipples and said those are off limits to SD for at least a week. I had been using too much suction with the pump and SD's latch was making mince meat of my boobs. It was less than glorious to be sure. I felt like an utter failure.

The next week we went back to the LC and we tried and managed to only suck about 13 cc. We continued to try and breast feed, but at that point I was resigning myself to becoming an exclusive pumper rather than an exclusive from the tap. We went each week and he was improving, but at that point the nurse in me was kicking in and I became obsessed with just getting him to take the amounts that the doctor wanted him to take in. So at 6 weeks when he finally managed to take close to a feed in at the LC I tried... and failed to get him back to the proverbial boob. I then gave up. We nursed if I was tired and he was tired and we were in bed. Otherwise I'd be hooked to the pump and D would feed.

By the time I went back to work at 12 weeks we were nursing maybe 2 feeds a day. At 16 weeks we finally had gotten it figured out. We were nursing maybe 95% of the time. Now when I'm off it's still about 95% sometimes 100%. I still pump at least once a day as I produce way more than he takes in and I'm just too uncomfortable to not pump, but it truly is amazing to think how far we have come.

I tried to donate my breastmilk to a local milk bank and was turned down... considering I have about 16 liters in my freezer right now I'm a touch heartbroken that I cannot donate because I take zyrtec and prilosec... which are considered safe for breastfeeding, but when donating they have stricter regulations. I'm investigating whether or not I can switch to a nasal spray for my allergies and stop the meds for gerd but have not truly put forth the effort.

Ultimately breastfeeding did not go how I imagined it would... I had all those dreams of it working so easily and when that didn't happen I was heart broken. I was devestated that I couldn't make it work. Now that it is working I think of how far we've come.. and how hard it was to get here. I wish that it would have been easier, but I'm glad that I finally arrived.

To Blog or sleep???

Sorry sleep wins out every time...

I'm still trying to acclimate to working again. I just finished a 6 day stretch and wow am I tired. My mom went back to the other side of the state to take care of things and well I had a migraine today - fortunately Squeak is a-okay with a day in kind of thing. However eventually I need to get my act together and go grocery shopping and actually cook something other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This is what my life has become and I'm okay with that to a certain extent. I hate the bone aching fatigue I have after working 6 nights in a row... However I don't know how to work anything different. I also feel even worse if I do break the stretch up so where oh where is my magic millionaire so I don't have to work.

In Squeak news - he's so much fun and quite a little character. He still hates his crib with a fiery passion to sleep, but he does sleep in his snuggle nest for 6 hours at a stretch so I really can't complain. He survived his 4 month shots without too much crankiness. He's found his toes which is great fun to watch.

Right now I need to run and deal with whiney dachshunds that are becoming increasingly whiney. I wish they wouldn't do that. We apparently have progressed to crying. Must run now... know that I'm reading if not commenting.

2007 in Review

Let me just say - 2007 was so much better than 2006. I mean click here 2006 was definitely a less than stellar year. We had high hopes that 2007 would be much better. Fortunately we were right that it was better. In so many ways...

January 2007
- Chance continued to recover from his wounds
- We proved we can accomplish just about anything by taking a road trip with 6 puppies and 4 adult dogs in 1 car.
- Treatments were stopped yet still did progesterone after ovulation... had a positive pregnancy test at 12 dpo and then of course had bleeding to start pregnancy number 12 off with a bang.
- Beta of 84 then 48 hours later 207 - that's interesting
- Puppy trainers - yeah not really successful, but we spent a whole wad of money on it...
- More bleeding which resulted in an u/s that amazingly showed an intrauterine pregnancy... with appropriate growth

February 2007
- Puppies first snow
- Ernie destroys his kennel
- Ernie gets bit by Megan and ends up with a ear wound that creates quite the bloody mess.
- U/S shows a heartbeat with appropriate growth
- Emmy went to her new home
- Louie went to his new home
- Jodi went to her new home
- We were down to 3 puppies and 4 adult dogs
- Car accident leading to yet another u/s.
- OB's office went into high speed gear while D and I back pedaled...
- Asked the question is this your first pregnancy - no 12th - oh you have 11 kids??? Idiots galore!
- Coming out to people at work
- Continuing good u/s...
- Aunt Alice passes away... leaving behind Uncle Howard


March 2007
- Released from the RE
- Dog visits to the vet continue
- PIO was stopped
- Heartbeat found via doppler
- Passed the nuchal
- Bert becomes Grayson Albert and has a new home with a fellow infertile...

April 2007
- Feel like a fraud about pregnancy still spend the time thinking it's not going to work out.
- get outed at an EMS conference
- nuchal screen shows 1:10,000 risk of trisomies WOOHOO

May 2007
- Puppies get spayed/neutered
- Find out a good friend is having a girl - we are days apart due date wise
- A puppy play date with Gray's new owners was enjoyed by all

June 2007
- for the first year in 3 years nothing bad happened in regards to pregnancy
- had the u/s that told us what the NN was and found out that it was a stinker and would not show off the heart - fortunately a peds cardio guy took a look for me... and all was fine.
- My mom's dog Sadie is put to sleep... and crosses to the Rainbow bridge
- spent some more time at the vet
- got in a nasty argument with my mil... fun fun fun

July 2007
- car ride with 6 dogs
- Baby shower
- Dino D and Jill welcomed their daughters into the world :D
- passed the GD screen
- repeat u/s shows the NN heads up rather than heads down and heart is checked once again all good


August 2007
- rearrange our bedroom for SD to show up
- NN still head up rather than heads down
- Washing machine on the fritz but fixable without having to pay for it YAY!
- fatigue fatigue fatigue
- Surprise my water breaks and Squeak is born via c-section at 35 weeks 5 days

September 2007
- We bring Squeak home - a lazy white boy who doesn't want to eat
- breastfeeding woes
- loving our new son
- settling in as a family
- work friend has her baby girl weighing it at a whopping 9 lbs 3 oz OUCH

October 2007
- Ernie is a jealous pup
- Lola thinks Squeak is hers
- Continuing with the breastfeeding saga

November 2007
- go back to work and it's the same old
- breastfeeding begins to actually work
- Synagis is started for RSV protection
- My mom moves in and becomes the nanny
- friend's baby girl turns 1

December 2007
- breastfeeding is hard work
- pumping at work even harder
- 1st Christmas with Squeak is fabulous even though both D and I have to work
- Chance ends up getting bit by Jodi and requires stitches and a bandage on 12/28 Poor Chance...

In summary - this has been a wonderful year even with some of the downs... I would have rather not closed out the year with Chance requiring another trip to the vet during the holiday season, but apparently he has other ideas. The vet just looked at him yesterday and shook her head and said "Chance you could have just come up for a nail trim you know..." He's okay, the other dogs are all okay... D is okay... Squeak is okay and while I am closing the year out with a cold it is all so much better than last year...

I am thankful...



So very very thankful...

Frustrated and Pictures

I'm not all sunshine and light and right now I probably look and feel more like well a big fat shaggy dog.

Post partum weight it hasn't fallen off like I would like it to. So I'm of course inhaling cookies like an ad*ict. I'm frustrated by Christmas crap - in laws visiting soon... trying to make sure I've bought everyone their gifts and of course wrapped them. Breastfeeding Squeak as often as possible. Paying bills, cleaning the house on my days off and well just trying to stay afloat. I don't know if this is just the downhill slide or if I'm just finally saying hey everything isn't always rosey and bright. It probably doesn't help that I seen a coworker who had a baby about 4 weeks after I had Squeak and she is of course back to her pre baby weight and skinny as a rail. Her baby of course is roly poly and in like the 50th percentile for weight while Squeak is like in the 10th percentile.

I'm happy most of the time. Right now i'm just frustrated. Frustrated because D seems to think that he deserves a flashlight that costs $75 and I of course am the grinch who points out that he has a flashlight and also that we just bought a digital camera. I felt the camera was our Christmas present to each other... he feels he deserves a flashlight. I keep pointing out that we're saving money for a fence and well it goes downhill from there. We don't argue about it - it's more of a nag thing going on here. Have you ordered the flashlight? Me: We'll talk about that later. D: "There's free shipping if you order it before Christmas." Me: How about we put the money for a flashlight towards the fence and call it a happy new year? D: It's 75 bucks. Me: That's $75 closer than we were before.

Sounds like a pleasant time at our house huh? So I don't know what the hell is up - am I just being stubborn and a pita about not buying the damn flashlight or am I being the practical one? He's got a perfectly good flashlight. Yes the new flashlight would be brighter and more energy efficient, but seriously it's a freaking flashlight and how many does one person REALLY need? His coworkers told him that he was whipped because I vetoed a rifle, playstation and X Box 360... I offered to allow D to take over manning the finances and he declined. I figured if he manned the finances then he would see how hard I've tried to save up for the stupid fence especially since we spent 12 weeks with only 70% of my pay... and I managed to still save money and not have to hit our savings until week 12 and not have to hit it that hard. God I hate being practical!

In other news i just purchased a web kinz for my niece. D pointed out that it was kind of like the year P asked for a pink spotted elephant from Santa... that was the only thing she asked for and Aunt Sami came through that year and she's coming through again. A black bear web kinz is on it's way to my niece. Thankfully my nephew is much easier to shop for.

Fortunately Squeak is the one thing that generally does not frustrate or ask for anything other than to be fed and loved. He doesn't require a $75 flashlight either to entertain him. Yes - still a bit bitter about the damn flashlight.

In dog news Ernie is beyond frustrated... he is now unable to open the door to the basement as it has a child lock on it. He can no longer open the baby's room as it now has a knob rather than a lever door knob. He currently is sitting next to me pretending to be a good dog.

Below are pics from his professional photo shoot at 3 months. Isn't he beautiful :) Vent/Whine? whatever over...

So many thoughts...

Running through my head...

Why can't I be independently wealthy and stay at home with my child? Would I lose my mind if I did that... probably.

I managed to survive my 4 day stretch at work. I won't deny that it was hard to leave Squeak at home and even harder to not call in sick just to spend time with him. But I survived. Work was horribly busy and it was nice to see my coworkers, but I would have rather been at home. Figuring out how to pump at work and not have that affect patient care was difficult... and truthfully it's hard to take the time to pump when we're busy. I feel like a slacker by saying - hey my boobs hurt I need to go pump. However I am determined that we will make it at least the next month if not longer... so I must keep on pumping.

My mom did fine as did Squeak. D spied on her through the baby monitor once he got home... I have to laugh at that because she has no idea that he was listening in. Poor grandma. Squeak still hates his crib, but will sleep in his snuggle nest for anywhere from 4-7 hours.

We did his sy*nagis shot last week and he did fine with that. I feel better that he's protected against R S V for sure since I took care of some infants with it and truly do not want Squeak to get it.

Oh more on pumping - I pump on my way into work and on my way home from work so that I can spend more time sleeping or with Squeak - it horrifies D but I don't have another solution so for now with my frequent pumping I'll be doing that.

I'm not ready for the holiday season - yet I am going to be involved in a cookie exchange... this Thursday. I have to bake 9 dozen cookies by then... wish me luck. D is working the next few days and my mom won't be back until Wednesday so I'm on my own with this one. What the hell was I thinking?

So Very Very Thankful...

So many things to say...

I know I've been quiet... I'm struggling to figure out what I want this blog to be. No I'm not thinking of giving up blogging... I'm just trying to figure out what I want this to be about and the bottom line is this blog is just about my life... infertility, pregnancy, motherhood, 6 dogs, marriage, cops, living with your mother... all of these things. Right now my life is fabulous. I'm truly happy and so very in love with Squeak that I swear I'm gushing... Anyway...

So this year Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends... I am so thankful for all of you that have been on this magnificent journey to motherhood with me. I will post pictures soon... Squeak is constantly changing. His giggles and grins crack me up and just bring so much joy to my life that it's hard to explain. I have officially become a sap. I'm okay with that.

So Happy Thanksgiving - enjoy your day with your families. I will spend my day with D, Squeak, the six mongrels and my mom will be here Thursday night. My family will be with me... and I am going to enjoy the day with them.

Hiccups, Hodge Podge & A Recipe!

Hiccups are something that occur frequently in our household. Squeak has a knack for having them show up about a half hour after he eats. I know this can be a sign of reflux, however he does not demonstrate any of the other signs of reflux so it's not a worry - it's just frustrating for him. It's probably more frustrating for D as he feels as if the poor thing is horribly bothered by them. Squeak just generally looks at you and "hiccups".

This weekend we are finally going to go pick up the crib. However of course there have been some hiccups in this plan. Weather is a factor as we do not have a vehicle large enough to carry the crib on the inside. So we will be strapping the crib to the roof of our vehicle and praying that the straps hold because I am too cheap to spend money on having it delivered to our house. We're hopefully going to put the crib up this weekend so that when I do go back to work Squeak has a place to sleep near my mom. She seems to think he's going to be a-okay with the sleeping in the crib. D and I of course think she's nuts, but what do we know and since we won't be home to hear Squeak throwing a hellacious hissy fit well then it'll be all right. D will take over when he gets home from work of course so the first few weeks should be interesting.

My FIL was here for a visit and to bring a freezer from my mom's. Fortunately the freezer survived the trip and my FIL enjoyed his visit with Squeak and not having to share him. I learned a few things. D's dad wishes that D was in a different line of work. I think he also regrets not spending as much time with D as he was growing up. I could just kind of get that sad thought when he talked about time going by so fast. I think regarding the job - D's dad was hopeful I would feel the same way. Unfortunately I don't. D loves his job and while yes being a cop carries a certain degree of danger... I'm aware of it, but I don't lose sleep over it. I'm more likely to bring a bug home from work that could have a major impact on our lives. Which is why I'll be stripping down the minute I hit the door and my scrubs are going to be on the sanitize cycle and washed separately from now on. When it was just me and D it wasn't a big deal... add Squeak in and it's a big deal. I'd hate for him to pick up something that I brought home.

My in laws and my mom will be coming up next week. My mom on Tueday night and then my in laws on Friday. We're celebrating Thanksgiving early as D's parents are spending it with his mother's family. (Don't even get me started about that... they could spend time with us, but it's his mother's family and unfortunately they tend to always get put first.)

In bigger news - alcohol and breast feeding... I'm of the opinion it's fine unless you get truly loaded. Everything in moderation and the timing. So enjoy if you are breast feeding. If you're not - enjoy it's still yummy!

PUDDING SHOTS

1 package of pudding mix (I'd go with sugar free white chocolate, but chocolate or vanilla is fine as well and can be sugar or no sugar)
1 cup milk
1/2 cup kahlua
1/2 cup Bailey's Irish Creme
1 tub (8 oz) cool whip (you can use fat free or light)
Some small plastic shot containers or just put it in a tub and make the shots up as you go along.

Mix the pudding and milk together, then add the kahlua and bailey's once incorporated mix the cool whip in. Place either in small plastic containers or in a large container and then place in the freezer.

Drizzle caramel or chocolate on top as you serve if desired. Otherwise just enjoy.

I thought if you didn't like Kahlua you could use buttershots (butterscotch schnapps) instead. Either way it's truly yummy. You could even consider it dessert.

Not What He Expected...

A few weeks ago D, Squeak and myself were lying in bed and I was staring at Squeak in amazement that he was even here. I asked D "Did you think it would be like this?" His response was "No, I thought it would be awful and this is so much better than I thought it would be." I had to laugh at this because D wanted to have a child as much as I did and he never once let on that he thought it would be awful.

D is an amazing dad - though I am sure I am a bit biased. He's up to speed on how to clean all my pumping crap, feeding Squeak, cloth diapering, swaddling, bathing, etc. He does get a bit amazed or overwhelmed when he is confronted with a massive poop, but he's tackled it by "hosing" the wee one off as in his words "this is more than a 2 wipe job". He gets up with Squeak even when he's working. Ultimately I'm very lucky and I know this - I know it even more so on the days when D is at work. I'm a firm believer in parenting 50/50 and D is as well. Right now I do end up with more of the workload, but D does his fair share on the days he is off which makes my life simpler and a bit less stressful all around.

One of my close friends had a baby girl about 4 weeks after Squeak was born. Her little girl was born weighing in at 9 lbs 3 oz - so not a petite little peanut. When talking with her she has described her child in terms that are less than flattering. Colic has been mentioned. Crying, gassy, fussy, etc etc. I feel awful when she asks how Squeak is doing and I say "great, he's a mellow fellow." She laughs and asks what my secret is. Truthfully I have been fortunate to not have to employ a whole lot of tricks. It could also be we are used to getting up at least every 3 hours due to the puppies who for some odd reason started getting up every 3 hours at the beginning of June if we are home. D and I were given a DVD of the Happiest Baby on the Block and we finally watched it. I promptly put the DVD in the mail to my friend as I figured she really could use the help. She called me two days after receiving the DVD in the mail and said "I love you - She slept for 10 hours straight it was wonderful." I think she would have said the same thing to D if he had answered the phone. We do swaddle Squeak on occasion but for the most part he's left foot loose and fancy free. D when he heard how our friend's little girl was acting said "that's what I thought it would be like."

In other news - I have a new recipe called "pudding shots" that my mil made... yes booze is involved. Let me know if you want me to post it. Since I know most of us enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage and I'm pretty sure most of us enjoy dessert - this is a great combo of the two.

Two Months

Squeak is 2 months old... where has the time gone?

Friday found us at the pediatrician's office for his two month check up. He weighed in at 9 lbs 8 oz and 21 3/4 inches long. A little above the 10th percentile in both height and weight. The doctor was pleased with both of these numbers and basically said carry on. Squeak did get 4 shots that day including his R S V vaccine... which is a life saver, but is also a pricey shot. We had to fight quite a bit with D's 3rd party payor to get this particular bill taken care of. It was a huge pain in the *ss. He qualifies because of being born a tad undercooked and my job which is basically where all those little kids with R S V will go and sneeze and snot all over me. Can we all see I am so looking forward to going back to work? Why can't I be independently wealthy?

Friday also found D's parents coming to our house. It also became a day where I decided Squeak was going to breastfeed by golly. The boob came out at the ped's office and I was able to soothe the very upset little man at that time and somehow we managed to get through 2 days of breastfeeding. We did pump quite a bit the second day. I think I'm going to go back to the lactation consultants just to find out how much he takes in and talk with them about pumping vs breastfeeding exclusively etc. When you're used to the pump it's hard to transition back to breastfeeding or at least I am finding it to be difficult.

Squeak was a bit cranky after the 4 shots, but truthfully not awful. He's such a pleasant little guy that you notice when he's a crank. I felt bad for D's parents because the only people Squeak wanted was D or preferably me. They didn't get to see his frequent smiles, his new little giggle because if he was awake he was either really quiet or cranky. Saturday was a bit better fortunately, but he wasn't completely back to his normal self until Sunday.

I think my in laws enjoyed themselves... I know they enjoyed seeing Squeak. Though for some reason my FIL is very bowel obsessed. Squeak is quite the farter so D's dad spent a lot of his time saying "Are you filling your pants?" Where D or I would say - believe me if he's going number 2 we will all know it so no he's not and he's just passing some gas. It became a bit annoying.

My in laws are a bit passive aggressive at times so it's hard to not get frustrated with them - D's dad spent most of the weekend trying to tell me that we should buy a portion of a pig that is butchered to save money and a portion of a cow... (don't eat beef, and really do not eat that much pork)... my mil made up for that passive aggressiveness by bringing pudding shots... Let me just say they are wonderful... kahlua and baileys are just yummy add pudding and whip cream and put them in the freezer well it is a thing of beauty and I plan on making some soon because they would be nice to have on hand for well whenever you feel the urge to have something that feels decadent and is delicious and heck use fat free pudding and fat free cool whip and it would not be that bad for you right?

My mother is now officially retired. She is actually laid off and will start with her real retirement in March. She is thrilled at becoming Squeak's nanny. He's a night owl so I'm not sure she'll be as thrilled once she gets here. It should be interesting for all of us. On the bright side - D is looking forward to apple pie and home cooked meals as my mom is a fabulous cook and while I can cook - desserts are more my thing.

Ultimately 2 months... it truly does not seem like it's been that long. He's a beautiful, amazing, little boy who brings me joy on a daily basis. I'm still amazed and find myself pinching myself frequently because it feels as if it is a dream. How could I be so lucky? D feels the same way...

All is Well

All is well in the 6 canine and a baby household... Or at least it's as good as it can be with 6 dogs and a baby in it.

Today I had my post partum visit to my doctor... and let me just say someone seriously needed to check me over before leaving the house. If they had I would have noticed that my t-shirt that I wore clearly defined my breast pads that were in my nursing bra. If I had known that I would have worn a different shirt. I was horrified when I walked into the room and there was a mirror and voila I see my nursing pads horribly defined.

Anyway that was the highlight of my day... or lowlight depending on how you look at it. In talking with my doctor rehashing the pregnancy and actually rehashing the conclusion I had to ask the question... "Since my water broke prematurely this time does that mean that I would be at risk for that to happen again." Now normally my doctor is very hopeful, optimistic - almost too optimistic. He looked at me and he said "yes". He then went on to say that they don't know why PROM occurs and have no way to prevent it, but they would be on the look out for it to happen a second time if we choose to have a second child - blah blah blah blah. I'm a planner by nature and while I am completely on the fence right now about having a second child as I love and adore the first child, but cannot begin to even think about having a second one when I am only barely staying above water with the first I had to ask the question. I wouldn't have been me if I hadn't asked the question and listened to the answer. I also felt that just asking the question was kind of like counting the chickens before they were hatched - not a good idea.

In other news breastfeeding - yeah well maybe once a day sometimes twice. We both are happier with the situation of pumping and getting it and both of us have to be either exhausted or starving which happens at least once a day. Ultimately we do our best and I'm no longer beating myself up about how he gets the breastmilk. I'm just happy that he does get breast milk.

We have his 8 week check up coming up on Friday. It is hard to believe it has been 8 weeks to me it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like an eternity has passed.

In funny ha ha dog news -

D is threatening to soak a pacifier (you know the ones from the hospital the s**thie kind) in pepper spray as the dogs have destroyed at least 4 of them in their "love" of these things... I think they would steal them directly from Squeak if they could. Right now we hide them - they find them. So if it's not in a drawer they consider it fair game and I'm not sure, but I think they're trying to figure out how to open the drawer to get to the pacifier. If it was one dog we could just say "BAD DOG". It's 4 dogs the only 2 that are not on the pacifier feast is the two puppies... the rest of the dogs can sniff them out. It's just plain weird. How do they know I hid the pacifier under 3 pillows?

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Tonight I lit a candle for all the pregnancies that I've lost... in my arms I held the pregnancy that came to be Squeaker. Cherishing him does not minimize those pregnancies that never came to be... but it reminds me of what I did lose. So tonight I'll cherish my Squeaker and remember his brothers and sisters who never came to be... and in the future if he ever asks I'll explain to him like my mother did to me... just how he came to be and how much we lost before he came to be.

Many hugs to all those who are remembering and for all those that we have lost...

Seriously - it's been 6 weeks already?

Where the hell has the time gone?

Truthfully I'd say it has been spent napping and pumping and changing, but I could be wrong. Today Squeaky aka South Dakota (DD thought you'd like that) is 6 weeks old. I of course am biased, but the little guy is absolutely precious and adorable. He's really a great kid. I hope I feel that way during his teenage years. Do not worry I am not wishing the time to fly -in all honesty I wish that I could spend more time at home with him than the 10 weeks I will. I wish we had a better FMLA policy that allowed you to get paid to be home with your child for longer... However wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which fills up first. The place I work may be one of the top 100 for working mothers... but it isn't that great.

In the last 6 weeks I have learned how to pump and warm a bottle half asleep. Learned that Squeaky hates his cradle because he wiggles too much and ends up with his legs sticking out the side. Learned never to schedule a photo shoot for your little one on the weekend - way too many people those days. That these photo places try to take advantage of you by preying on your emotions - "aww isn't that cute, don't you want to spend 14.99 rather than 3.99 a sheet for that pose?" Yeah uhm no. That pumping is okay. It may not be breastfeeding completely, but my child is receiving breastmilk and it may not be the exact way I wanted him to receive it he is getting all the benefits of it that he can. So I am okay with that. He is okay with that and he's probably a svelte 8 lbs at this point. He's gaining and that's the part that matters.

I've learned that Ernie is the jealous one of the bunch. That all the dogs love things that have breastmilk or spit up on them and that when Ernie gets pissed he steals something of the baby's. Generally a soothie pacifier if it's available... if not that then a cloth diaper, burp rag, t-shirt, etc. I've learned that Lola adores the baby and will sit and stare at him, climb into his pappasan chair or act like a prairie dog and stare at his swing if given the opportunity.

I've learned that D is a wonderful father who is even more sappy about Squeaky than I am. That watching him deal with a blowout is hillarious comedy.

I've learned that way too many people want to ask "are you going to have another?" Rather than "Are you enjoying Squeaky?" That particular question the first not the second is one I don't have the answer for. Talk to me in 2-3 years... then I'll know the answer. Right now I'm enjoying Squeaky. He's more than enough for me right at this very moment.

In a few short weeks our lives will change again... my mother will live with us and I will have to return to work. Until then - we're enjoying one another and the quite before those big changes occur. We're happy and that is truly all that I can ask for.

Due Date

Back in January when the first test showed up positive this day was just a dream.

Today I woke up to reality... and have been doing so for the last month. It's a wonderful reality even with the challenges this little guy has thrown our way.

He's working on his head control. He smiles (at least it certainly seems like he smiles) and he's beautiful and I'm still in awe that D and I produced this little miracle.

I'll try to post more pics soon... Know that I'm reading... not commenting, but reading and surviving.

One Day and a Few Hours

Then D will be off for three days...

I've missed my husband. Even though he comes home - gives Squeaky and myself a kiss then promptly takes Squeaky from me to have some "daddy time." It's just not the same as having him home with me.

Granted I felt that way before the Squeaker came into our lives, but now I miss him more... for a lot of reasons - not including that he can wrangle the six mongrels and take care of them while I handle the Squeaker but because he makes this whole parenting thing easier.

My mom and D's parents keep calling to check on us... meaning Squeaky and me... D's dad has offered to come help. D and I have talked about that and truthfully FIL would be more work rather than less and would not make things easier. He means well, but we're doing okay. It's weird having this many people wanting to make sure that we're okay...

Breastfeeding is hit or miss... he still falls asleep at the wheel. My n*pples still are sore but we're still trying. Probably at least every other feed. Half the time he's still asleep or not receptive to the boob and there's only so much rejection a girl can take.

I dreamed that things in the breastfeeding department would be easier. Heck my sister did it, my friends did it... why can't I do it? I had similar feelings about the c-section and water breaking... my sister had the regular plain jane old delivery where they had to break her water and then they had a baby. Why did things have to become so complicated for us? Hadn't we gone through enough crap already to get to this point.

So I'm done whining now... I'll be back to normal shortly. In other news - a good friend is going to have her baby girl tomorrow by c-section. I can't wait to meet her and see her parents become parents.

On My Own...

Warning - prepare to listen to the ravings of a crazy lady :)

That crazy lady is me...

Squeaky and I are on our own tonight. This is the first time I've been left to care for my son since he was born. I'm the only adult in this house and I am responsible for Squeaky and for the six dogs.

I know it is a luxury that I somehow managed to have D here for two weeks and my mom and D's parents here the first week we were home. Either way I'm on my own now and tonight I realized how much I rely on D. With breastfeeding still a sore subject (I'm still pumping and feeding, but the whole latching thing is hit or miss and with his weight gain we still have to supplement him with a bottle of breast milk)that means feeding takes forever. I know I'm whining here. However my time is limited by feeding him and then pumping for 15-20 minutes so that I keep my supply up. When D was home he'd do the feeding of Squeaky so I could pump. I have no idea how it will work during the day tomorrow when D is trying to sleep - should be interesting.

Squeaky has finally started waking up for feeds, but again this is a hit or miss thing so that means I still have to set my alarm clock to go off if I lay down at all because if he misses a feed then that's calories he's not getting and (yes, I'm an anal retentive nurse who is fearful of having the diagnosis failure to thrive) well my nursing skills say - he has to eat every 3 hours at a minimum. Sometimes he eats all that I prepare other times the last 10 cc is always a struggle... he falls asleep at the wheel... or he's so sleepy at feeding times that it's a joke of us stripping him naked, cool cloth etc. I know some people think this is a great thing - sleepy baby = good. It's not. I feel awful and so does D when we have to resort to this. However we'd really like to get off the fortifier and if this is what we have to do then so be it.

Tonight Squeaky nursed and nursed and nursed, but was still a starving marvin... I know how much I produce and pumped that amount so it means Squeaky sucks at sucking still. It may feel like a hoover, but apparently the boy isn't doing it properly. We go back to the lactation consultant on Thursday - he had improved from the last time he was at the breast, but still is significantly below par and falls asleep at the boob.

I love this little guy and know that I can handle taking care of him and the dogs... it just is a bit overwhelming at first. Squeaky cries because he's hungry the dogs bark because Squeaky is crying and while Squeaky will always come first it's nice when the dogs don't bark and the baby doesn't cry at the same time. I spent a good 15 minutes with both of those things occurring and two dogs following me as I tried to warm up the breast milk for Squeaky... Lola and Ernie were a bit frantic that I wasn't taking care of Squeaky fast enough...

So stay tuned... we'll see how the rest of the night goes. I've managed to survive about 8 hours on my own and no dogs were lost and Squeaky is currently sleeping in my lap. Hopefully the next few hours will go by smoothly and I survive the next 3 nights while D works.

3 Years

September 18, 2004 I married D.

I would do it again in a heartbeat... he's been a rock through all the shit we've been dealt and he is a wonderful father. I am amazed and just in awe at the love and care that he shows Squeaky... I am truly blessed to have a wonderful husband... and our little early anniversary present Squeaky.

* I'm writing this about an hour early, but it's for a good reason. D is currently attempting to feed Squeaky. Squeaky is now stripped down to his diaper in the hopes he'll actually eat what he's supposed to and in this moment I am more in love with my husband than I was five minutes ago. Granted he could have refrained from saying that Squeaky was acting as stubborn as his mother, but he's forgiven for the love that he shows me and our son.

So this year's anniversary is so very different than last year... and we have the very best anniversary present a couple could ask for... a beautiful, obstinate, sleepy son.

And right now... life is beautiful as I listen to my husband laugh at Squeaky's noises and the dogs are quiet.

My hope for this year of marriage may it be better than last and our love continue to grow...

I love you and I always will...