Level Alert Raised... to orange?

Lets see first off we may have a plan...

Our meeting with the RE was good. I say good because great would be a bit much, but good would be a little low. He's a) semi cute - makes me a tad uncomfortable that he'll be looking at my nether regions with the dildo cam... b) didn't make me take my clothes off for this appt, c) is letting me STOP charting d) is up to date on most of the recurrent pregnancy loss research and e) has a wicked sense of humor. So that's good.

Our plan consisted of bloodwork... including a repeat beta HCG to see what my levels were now as well as Factor V Leiden work up and a couple other thrombophilia tests... an HSG once I start a new cycle... and drumroll please no more clomid but FSH and a HCG trigger. Which we think may be covered by hubs insurance... can we all say YIPPEE... So that is where we stand right now at this particular moment.

However seeing as things can't ever go smoothly for me... we received a phone call with the beta results. First the poor NP apparently hadn't read my full chart - and was all happy when she said she had news. My response my beta was positive and how high was it? 44... yep 44 up from 41 - 9 days ago... so ladies while I'm still bleeding apparently this is just that irritating old bleeding rather than the get the show on the road get the hell out of dodge bleeding. She was properly horrified that she wasn't aware of that news... she called me back a while ago and let me know that I'm to have more bloodwork on Monday and do the methotrexate/ectopic panel as well as a repeat beta... so pray that things get moving on out or I'm going to have to get the shot of battery acid in my ass that I really didn't love last time but will do again in a heartbeat to get this show on the road so we can MOVE on.

Oh and to add insult to injury... I got a call from the place I interviewed... and they accepted another candidate. I'm fine with that, just wish the timing would have been better... ya know what I mean. I only have 4 years experience while other candidates have much longer times... that's understandable.. my resume will stay on file which is good and I'll keep working towards getting some instructor courses out of the way.

Okay that's it from me! Working all weekend so will try to update as I can!

A New Way of Life?

I don't know if I've told anyone online this or not... but I'm a bit overweight. I've done weight watchers in the past with good results... and I'm gearing up to start it again. I ordered the at home kit - since I can't find mine to save my life. I imagine that when we get back to our house it will be there waiting for me to start it. My husband is also doing a change of life kind of thing - though his is on a rocky start since he's having great difficulty with portion control. I've plateau'd. I've been the same weight give or take 3 lbs for the last year and a half. I'd like to get down to that skinny girl I know is hiding inside of me. I'm sure the RE would love for me to lose a touch of weight. I figure at this point I need to at the very least just eat healthier than I have been and to take control of my life and increase my physical activity.

Now to find the motivation to do it. Fortunately I have a number of coworkers that are also doing weight watchers so I can use them for support... and fortunately I will try to keep track of my weight loss... maybe if I feel better about things.

Tomorrow we are going to meet one of my husband's friends that normally lives out of state... she's up visiting briefly. He told her about our pregnancy... I don't know if he's told her about our miscarriage. So it should be an interesting afternoon out... I don't know whether to look forward or to cringe in the background. Wish me luck... I don't know that I can handle well meaning advice - such as "Just relax." or "It just wasn't meant to be." Gee ya think... I hope she doesn't turn out to be an assvice giver because seriously I'm not sure that I am emotionally up to that... and this is my husband's best friend... Wish me luck!

How did you spend your weekend?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I work nights... so does my husband. So we try to stay on a relatively night schedule even when I'm off. Sometimes this works... sometimes it doesn't. This stretch off it's worked - mainly because I've been sick. Sick as in my sinuses are just LOVING what the weather is doing - the pressure in my head and the snot poring out really are great. But I digress.

So how did I spend my weekend... well besides sleeping... I've been surfing the internet. I've found a specialist that if the new doctor doesn't know what the heck to do someone else will so that's my hold back card. I've found a bunch of blogs that are wonderful women who have suffered tremendous losses... and they each gave me hope in a weird way. They reminded me of why I keep carrying on. Some are moving forward and having their babies soon... others are still struggling just like me. But ultimately they are continuing to carry on and that takes courage... that takes guts. I'm so glad that I found them because I sometimes feel lost in this sea of blogs...

I feel like a broken record... to my husband, to my online friends... I feel like the little boy who cried wolf... I've cried "I'm pregnant" 4 times in the last 10 months... and I've had to say "but wait - don't get excited things just don't feel quite right." Then maybe a week or 3 days later I have to make an announcement... "Things don't look good." "The numbers didn't do what they were supposed to." or my least favorite... "I'm bleeding." I miss my innocence. I miss my excitement that I had way back at the end of May... I miss my husband looking at me and saying "We're going to be parents." and me believing him.

I hope that I can move past this broken record to a new one... to a new song... and maybe just maybe hope can come back to our lives and stay.

I Chickened Out...

Yep, you read it... I chickened out. We - meaning both husband and I attempted to talk to his parents about our fertility issues, but then we looked at one another and decided not tonight. On our way over to his parents house we were having a pretty lively discussion about our coping mechanisms. My husband finally let humor do his talking. "You think you have issues... we've had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic in the last 9 months - if that isn't enough to make you drink heavily, see a shrink, or take antidepressants I don't know what is." " You think you've got problems, I've watched my wife come out of surgery looking like death warmed over and then had to tell her that her fear of being f'd up was right on target." I of course am laughing my ass off as he's going through a schpeel... He doesn't use humor very often to cope, to see him actually get his feelings out about all of this was good. It was good for both of us. We love each other and he felt so awful about not being there when I got the bad news last Sunday. I know if he could trade spaces with me he would... if he could make this all easier he would. He'd agree to donor sperm, donor egg, donor whatever if it meant that we would have a child... because that's the kind of guy he is.

However we're not saints... And I have a confession to make... We both have some pretty awful thoughts about one member of his family that is currently pregnant... she has smoked throughout the entire pregnancy, come up with various ailments to get pain medication throughout this pregnancy and the last one, and well she's just awful. I also have to admit I'm jealous. I have the awful green eyed monster because she has done everything wrong - yet at the end of 9 months she'll have a baby... granted that child will probably have lifelong learning disabilities, low birthweight, and need counseling for the rest of it's life, but it's a real live baby... and I can't get to that point. It also doesn't help that my mil announced this woman's pregnancy to me the same day we were discussing our recent loss... I don't think I've ever felt more like I needed a drink than that day when I heard the news. We left fairly early because my husband knew just how deeply this hurt... but it did and a part of me is still angry with her for telling me... it could have waited a few weeks... We didn't need to know right then. We were hurting and my fil was the only person that asked how we were doing... and if I was alright. Now you know why I am a staunch supporter of my fil... he was uncomfortable asking that question, but he acted as if he cared. For that I am thankful.

My dad was the only one that knew of my first miscarriage... him and my boyfriend at that time... and I think maybe a friend knew... but no one else. He helped me through that. Granted he said that it was probably for the best... which I didn't need or want to hear at the time. He kept my secret - never telling my mom. I told my mom a few years ago. She was hurt that I hadn't told her. Now she's the only one I can tell... my dad isn't here to tell and even though he's with me in spirit it just isn't the same. Telling my mom my thoughts just doesn't work out the way it did with my dad. I just don't know that we're ready to take the step to let my husband's parents in on our secrets... maybe after meeting with the RE we'll be able to talk with them about it... but truthfully I don't know that they want to know and I don't know that my husband really wants them to know. Because right now as things stand we know I have a problem... but we don't know that he has a problem... he doesn't want them to know who's got the issue. He'd rather it be a united front... that our problems are ours together... rather than 1 persons issue. I'm fine with them knowing I provide early checkout... i don't know that he is.

So 5 days and we meet with the RE... wonder if the good doctor (need to come up with a great name for this guy) will have a plan or be stumped... I hate stumping doctors... however I have looked at the University of Chicago as they have a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic... will contact them if this continues to happen. I hate repeating things over and over and over again...

Coming out of the closet... or NOT?

So we kind of came out to my mom about our difficulties. You have to know my mom to understand how this went. Even though my mom had multiple miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy she is pretty simple and uninformed about the options out there. She told me to just relax once... she's talking about adopting twins from an illegal immigrant she knows... things like that. I know she means well. I also know I have to remind her about the unhelpfullness of these things frequently. So I came out sort of. I told her we had had another loss and that we were going to a specialist. My mom said that we shouldn't be trying so hard. Yes, I hit myself in the forehead and looked at her and said... that wasn't very helpful mom... and truthfully it hasn't taken us much effort to become pregnant in the first place. In all seriousness I needed to let her know what was going on.

Now... here's the real question... do we let Hubs parents in on this or not? I've joked about telling them... My best way of coping is morbid humor. Seriously I find it hillarious. My husband not always... he thinks I'm going to give his dad a heart attack. I want them to know so that I don't feel as if we're keeping this HUGE secret from them. On the other hand I don't want to be asked about it either.

On a weird note I got floated to another floor the other night at work and a 94 year old man asked me if I was a mom. I told him to 3 lovely dogs. He chuckled then told me I would be a fantastic mom. I said from your lips to God's ears and that it would happen in God's time. He smiled, patted my hand and said I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I told him that I appreciated that. Weird the conversations you get into with patients that are actually alert. Shocking even.

So who knows what I'll do this afternoon at dinner with the in laws... depends on my mood...

Crappy news

I know I've been quiet. Quiet because I had nothing positive to say. The run down is this...

Saturday the pink cm turned to red - spotting. Sunday it turned to a trickle... I called the on call doctor and had to go to the ER for a rhogam shot and a repeat beta. My repeat beta was 70... so a doubling time of 176.37 hours... I was planning on stopping the progesterone at that point because seriously this is not a healthy pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to continue. I did until I got the results of the beta yesterday. After much arguing with the lab I was able to get the results 41.

So hopefully it continues to go down. I'm sad, but hopeful. Hopeful because I did not cancel the appointment with the RE. On January 26th we will be meeting with an RE. Hopefully he will have a plan. I so pray that he will be our answer. On a down note... my insurance stinks in regards to fertility treatment - it does not cover fertility treatment. It covers the diagnosis but it doesn't cover treatment... it covers medicine but no procedures. Can we all say ARGGGGHHHH and shake our fists at them? Seriously come on - it made me feel better.

On a weird freakish coincidence/deja vu repeat of June I received a call from a flight program for an interview as a flight nurse. This is a very big long shot, but if you don't try you can't fail right? So keep your fingers crossed that Dr. New and expensive has a plan and that the flight program liked me lots so I can hopefully quit my job and start something I know I would LOVE!!!

A girl can dream... I made it to 4 weeks 6 days... that's a step right? Now I just have to get through 2 more interviews and maybe the next step will be hubs getting a job over here... boy have I been dreaming or what? These are my wishes for the moment...

Hmmm

Well the results are in... and the repeat beta at 46 hours... was 48... up from 24... so perfect doubling...

The progesterone results were a little low...

Both of these things are not concerning to my doctor or doctor's office... they have scheduled an u/s on 1/26... I am terrified. How am I supposed to go 2 weeks without a beta. I'd rather know if things were going belly up in Vegas before the 26th rather than find out at the u/s. We're trying not to let hope creep in. I know that sounds awful, but with our history we can't take the chance.

My husband emailed a friend of his... and told her what's going on. I never realized quite how much it affects him until I read that email... it bothers him a lot... he doesn't let on... he's just tired of the teasers. He's tired of worrying that he'll have to take me to the hospital again for a procedure and I'll look so sick again... I can't say I blame him. I know the feeling... I'd really rather not have to go through that again myself. I keep telling myself that all of this will be worth it in the end. I so pray this is a viable pregnancy... I'm so scared of the what if's...

My work is now monitoring internet usage... I've been counseled... and truthfully at the time when i was surfing a bunch - work was done, I was in the grips of coping and keeping my chin up while truthfully not liking my coworkers all that much... the only thing that kept me sane was the internet. I felt better, was able to smile... was able to realize that while ectopics, chemical pregnancies suck... there are people out there that are able to help... I told this to my manager. I'm pretty sure she doesn't get all of this... that's okay some days I don't.

Thank god for the internet! There's always someone who understands or comes pretty darn close to doing so...

The results are in...

At 15-16 dpo... my beta is 24... so again no jumping up and down, or celebrations please as this is way low and way to fragile... will feel better if on Wednesday the number doubles... so continue saying prayers and any mantra you can think of... preferably NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet... which is the mantra of a couple of infertile bloggers - I believe Grrrl was the first to utter those words...

Teaser...

A teaser... is what we (meaning hubby and I) fondly refer to as a positive pregnancy test after or during spotting/period. A teaser fucks with you... makes you get all hopeful only to drop you to the ground... I've never had one go the other way so if this does occur this will be a first for me. This is where we are at right now. Now granted this is the first time I've had spotting that hasn't gone into a full force period yet. Key word of all this is yet. I have some brown creamy cm to occasionally pink creamy cm... either way not something that makes either of us happy at the moment.

I also have a bunch of positive pregnancy tests. Now if we were innocent and not been through this rundown before we might be jumping for joy - high fiving each other saying YEAH We're going to be parents... however this being the 4th time I've told him we've got a positive... my husband and myself are right down at the bottom of the barrel going is this another teaser? Because this certainly feels like a teaser - glancing at one another. My husband is even more pessimistic about this than I am... he was hopeful and told me that I was being silly being pessimistic then the spotting started... now he's right above morbid curiosity which is where I am at as well.

You know what kind of curiosity I'm talking about... the kind that makes you look at train wrecks or tragedy on the TV even though you know it ends badly or isn't pretty etc... that's where we're at right now. I have a lab slip for a beta and a progesterone... I was supposed to do this Saturday (yeah uhmm NO) and am debating about doing this today... my guess my beta will be 20 if I go today... I could of course be wrong. 20 at 16 dpo is pretty awful... but I had 17 at 17 dpo so that's pretty awful as well... who knows this could be the little beta that could...

I pray I'm wrong. I pray I'm not going to get teased. I'm tired of being teased. I know that God has a plan for me and Dan... I'd just really like him to let me know what it is sooner rather than later. So if you are of a praying nature... please send up a prayer that the beta is fantabulous rather than shitty. I could use a fantabulous day rather than a crappy one... Will update once I get the results...

Spotting...

As the title goes... this is what has occurred... which sucks... I'm supposed to not test until Sunday... have a beta on Monday... I fear full af on Monday at least that's my guess... I'm 13 dpo one would think I would get a hugely positive test on Sunday... not me. I feel it's going to be a big ole negative...

I'm not sure what I want to do... a part of me says do another round of clomid... the other part of me says just do nothing... will decide when the time comes. Going to curl up under the covers... thank god I don't have to work till Wednesday.

Is it or isn't it?

So right now I am 11 dpo. I'm not temping this cycle as well that just generally puts me more on edge... and with the progesterone I'm going to have elevated levels... however I have started christening the pee sticks...

Internet cheapies - negative... or is that a faint line... or is that an evap?
FRER - Negative... that piece of crap hasn't given me an early positive EVER...
Equate - negative...
EPT - my loyal and faithful friend... maybe a + sign... however it is the faintest + sign to see it you need the light of a thousand suns... SO this has of course made me want to know what my beta could be if I actually went and had one done... however betabase is not working for me... or at least every freaking computer I've tried at work and at home has not managed to get that info for me.

Seeing as I want something darker, more vibrant, more encouraging I'm holding off on the beta... have emailed the doc to let him know that I want a beta... but have not started hoping, dreaming, etc. I've got too much of a history of false alarms to get excited... I hope I'm wrong... I hope there is truly something to get excited for as that would be simply wonderful.

My Hopes for the New Year... as I sit in the 2ww...

Happy New Year!

I'm going to make a list of things - hopes/desires/aspirations for the new year... things I'm going to try and accomplish... make it my annual review...

1. To get knocked up and stay knocked up...
2. To lose 15 lbs... 20-30 would be great but we'll start small...
3. To continue to grow in my marriage. I love this wonderful man and can't imagine my life without him. He's my rock.
4. For Hubs to get a job near me so we can finally live together like normal couples...
5. To get a PICU position and get out of the den of negativity that I work in now...
6. To save money.
7. To be on time with all my bills.
8. To be more compassionate.
9. To exercise more
10. To enjoy spending time with my family and hubs family more.

So that's a start lets see how I do on these...

I also hope that that little Angel/Devil called Hope fills your life with the real deal... that you carry on, love your significant other, and that you get your babies now... and that they and you carpe' diem...