Monday, January 23, 2006

How did you spend your weekend?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I work nights... so does my husband. So we try to stay on a relatively night schedule even when I'm off. Sometimes this works... sometimes it doesn't. This stretch off it's worked - mainly because I've been sick. Sick as in my sinuses are just LOVING what the weather is doing - the pressure in my head and the snot poring out really are great. But I digress.

So how did I spend my weekend... well besides sleeping... I've been surfing the internet. I've found a specialist that if the new doctor doesn't know what the heck to do someone else will so that's my hold back card. I've found a bunch of blogs that are wonderful women who have suffered tremendous losses... and they each gave me hope in a weird way. They reminded me of why I keep carrying on. Some are moving forward and having their babies soon... others are still struggling just like me. But ultimately they are continuing to carry on and that takes courage... that takes guts. I'm so glad that I found them because I sometimes feel lost in this sea of blogs...

I feel like a broken record... to my husband, to my online friends... I feel like the little boy who cried wolf... I've cried "I'm pregnant" 4 times in the last 10 months... and I've had to say "but wait - don't get excited things just don't feel quite right." Then maybe a week or 3 days later I have to make an announcement... "Things don't look good." "The numbers didn't do what they were supposed to." or my least favorite... "I'm bleeding." I miss my innocence. I miss my excitement that I had way back at the end of May... I miss my husband looking at me and saying "We're going to be parents." and me believing him.

I hope that I can move past this broken record to a new one... to a new song... and maybe just maybe hope can come back to our lives and stay.

No comments: