Yep, you read it... I chickened out. We - meaning both husband and I attempted to talk to his parents about our fertility issues, but then we looked at one another and decided not tonight. On our way over to his parents house we were having a pretty lively discussion about our coping mechanisms. My husband finally let humor do his talking. "You think you have issues... we've had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic in the last 9 months - if that isn't enough to make you drink heavily, see a shrink, or take antidepressants I don't know what is." " You think you've got problems, I've watched my wife come out of surgery looking like death warmed over and then had to tell her that her fear of being f'd up was right on target." I of course am laughing my ass off as he's going through a schpeel... He doesn't use humor very often to cope, to see him actually get his feelings out about all of this was good. It was good for both of us. We love each other and he felt so awful about not being there when I got the bad news last Sunday. I know if he could trade spaces with me he would... if he could make this all easier he would. He'd agree to donor sperm, donor egg, donor whatever if it meant that we would have a child... because that's the kind of guy he is.
However we're not saints... And I have a confession to make... We both have some pretty awful thoughts about one member of his family that is currently pregnant... she has smoked throughout the entire pregnancy, come up with various ailments to get pain medication throughout this pregnancy and the last one, and well she's just awful. I also have to admit I'm jealous. I have the awful green eyed monster because she has done everything wrong - yet at the end of 9 months she'll have a baby... granted that child will probably have lifelong learning disabilities, low birthweight, and need counseling for the rest of it's life, but it's a real live baby... and I can't get to that point. It also doesn't help that my mil announced this woman's pregnancy to me the same day we were discussing our recent loss... I don't think I've ever felt more like I needed a drink than that day when I heard the news. We left fairly early because my husband knew just how deeply this hurt... but it did and a part of me is still angry with her for telling me... it could have waited a few weeks... We didn't need to know right then. We were hurting and my fil was the only person that asked how we were doing... and if I was alright. Now you know why I am a staunch supporter of my fil... he was uncomfortable asking that question, but he acted as if he cared. For that I am thankful.
My dad was the only one that knew of my first miscarriage... him and my boyfriend at that time... and I think maybe a friend knew... but no one else. He helped me through that. Granted he said that it was probably for the best... which I didn't need or want to hear at the time. He kept my secret - never telling my mom. I told my mom a few years ago. She was hurt that I hadn't told her. Now she's the only one I can tell... my dad isn't here to tell and even though he's with me in spirit it just isn't the same. Telling my mom my thoughts just doesn't work out the way it did with my dad. I just don't know that we're ready to take the step to let my husband's parents in on our secrets... maybe after meeting with the RE we'll be able to talk with them about it... but truthfully I don't know that they want to know and I don't know that my husband really wants them to know. Because right now as things stand we know I have a problem... but we don't know that he has a problem... he doesn't want them to know who's got the issue. He'd rather it be a united front... that our problems are ours together... rather than 1 persons issue. I'm fine with them knowing I provide early checkout... i don't know that he is.
So 5 days and we meet with the RE... wonder if the good doctor (need to come up with a great name for this guy) will have a plan or be stumped... I hate stumping doctors... however I have looked at the University of Chicago as they have a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic... will contact them if this continues to happen. I hate repeating things over and over and over again...
2 comments:
It sounds like you're married to a good one. As for whom you tell and when - it seems that there's no perfect answer. The best you can do is deal the best you can. For me, the more miscarriages I had, the less response they evoked from others - which hurt, although I just couldn't stop myself from sharing the sad news (missing work and sobbing when I spoke to people had a tendency to clue them in). Be kind to yourself and good luck with your RE and the U of Chicago if you go that route.
I'm very lucky that I did indeed marry a good one...
As for telling... there really isn't a perfect answer. I think it is sad that so few people know what's truly going on but how do you bring that into a conversation...
"Yes, I'm sad right now because I've just suffered my fifth pregnancy loss, fourth in the last 9 months." It just doesn't flow into the conversations so much... and a part of me doesn't want anyone to pity me... and the other part wants people to care enough to ask.
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