Expectations...

"When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have."
– Stephen Hawkin

I received the above quote in an email entitled "Daily Inspiration." Looking over the last year and one month since we started this ttc saga I think I can safely say my expectations have changed significantly. I have none. Below is a list of what my year has included. Looking over it again objectively I thought - "Train wreck!" So after my little list I'll tell you what I think now.

Since March 2005 we've done
1. March/April 2005 - negative
2. April/May/June - positive - started with bleeding at 13 dpo, properly doubling betas, bleeding started again, beta
dropped, then plateaud, and then D/C - ectopic - tx with methotrexate.
3. June/July - on a break
4. July/August - negative
5. August/September - chemical pregnancy betas of 17 and 20
6. September/October - on a break
7. October/November - Supposed to be on a break - endometrial biopsy - luteal phase defect, bleeding, beta of 7
8. November/December - clomid and progesterone - negative
9. December/January - clomid and progesterone- positive betas of 24 and 48, bleeding at 4 wks 5 days dropping betas then
plateaud then dropped so chemical pregnancy
10. January/February - on a break
11. February/March - injectables and prometrium - beta of 3 and 5
12. March/April - injectables/prometrium beta of 5 and 25 then bleeding beta of 9 chemical pregnancy
13. April/May - on a break April/May 2006

I think my first thought was how I am not looking forward to next January when I go to my OB/GYN and have to fill out that damn thing that says gravida x, para x, aborta x - cause geez those stats would seriously look atrocious and the poor nurses at the OB's office are going to go "there there Sami" and I'm going to have to punch them.

Our expectations back in March of 2005 were - we're going to have s*x and we're going to have a baby. In June they were well that really sucked... now what? D's position went from lets keep trying to - "I don't want to kill you by trying to procreate." (maybe not his exact words, but that's the gist). In September we both looked at each other and said lets get our asses to the doctor and see what he has to say about all this crap. In January it said "God our luck is awful." In April we said - yep we're not the norm - expect the unexpected out of us.

That's the bottom line right now. Our expectation is zero. We still have hope, but it's gaurded. Our hearts are a tad bit more cynical about hpt's, pregnancy, and that doctor's know even an iota of what is going on with my body. Because all of those things have proven to us on more than one occasion that they aren't worth a hill of beans. HPT's - lie - at least for us. Just because it turns up positive does not mean that it's even an acceptable level of hcg in my system. Pregnancy - well hell unless you're talking chemical pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy. Next time we'll be calling it not negative at least until we have a heartbeat and that heartbeat is in the uterus! As for doctor's - While I have tremendous faith in my doctor's, they don't know everything. My OB back in June told me that it couldn't possibly be an ectopic pregnancy... I mentioned it like 5 times are you sure it's not an ectopic, you're certain it's not an ectopic... only to wake up to poor D saying "You know that fear you had that you were f'd up? Well you were right on... it was ectopic." That was a kick in the teeth. The OB when I mentioned luteal phase defect - he thought for certain not likely... only to get a call saying yeah uhmm definitely a lpd. My RE who thought for certain this lasts beta of 5 was nothing to even worry about that we'd just stop the prometrium and get the next cycle going... had to make the embarrassing phone call saying "I was wrong - you were right."

We've learned a few things this past year and a month. This list is a bit more upbeat.

1. We (D and I) can depend on one another.
2. Our families while they don't quite get it want to help... when your fil who is very uncomfortable with sex can ask "How are things going - did the tests come back okay (meaning hsg)? with a full blush it means he's trying.
3. That it's better to just do the blood test rather than getting our hopes up with a hpt - even when I can tell you what my beta is going to be. We'd rather deal with numbers than +/-
4. That somehow we've managed to grow closer to one another in spite of all of this.
5. That doctor's do not know everything. That if your gut is telling you one thing - believe it until it is proven wrong.
6. That 5 is something D will never let me forget again.
7. That there are other people, places, etc that are much worse than where we are right now.
8. That our pain cannot be compared to someone elses. That our optimism and hope may cause other's pain - but if it does it's not our problem - everyone has a right to cope in whatever manner they choose to - our drug of choice may cause pain for others, but if it's what gets us through the day, week, month, year whatever then that's okay and we do not have to feel guilty about it. EVER.
9. That friends who truly love you will understand 8 - even when they are the ones who are hurt by it as long as you tell them why.
10. That the internet is full of friends who will embrace you when you go to that first appt and see the words in black and white "habitual aborter" and understand why you are now sitting back a bit and saying well that really sucks as a diagnosis.
11. That you are not the only one who has purchased "infertility puppies" and made them into your children. (We bought Lola a month into our journey... she's now a year old do you think it's time for her to get a new brother or sister???? D says NO, not unless he's over here permanently because he's not raising another puppy on his own!

These are the discussions that go on in my house. D and I talked a great deal on the 3 hour drive Wednesday night. Church tends to do that for both of us. I think that going back to church was a good thing for both of us. I don't think God is punishing us for not attending church in the last few months... I've never felt that way. I think this is just what was written for us to have to deal with. I'm a firm believer that all will work out in the end.

Ultimately maybe our expectations aren't zero... but they just aren't as "rose colored" as they used to be and I do appreciate every little thing that I do have to be thankful for. Including all of you.

I have other posts waiting to be put up so stay tuned for some screwed up good deeds that occurred... believe me you will laugh... aging pet woes and probably a post about work... I've got nothing but time on my hands for the next few weeks on the bright side - I don't have to worry "Am I pregnant" this month. Boy that's a load off my mind.