Saturday, May 27, 2006

Deja Vu

I know some wonder why we're so adamant about not getting our hopes up... Right now things feel very deja vu like...

A year ago... seriously a year ago to the day I told D I was the "p" word. At the time things had started with bleeding - so I also said "don't get your hopes up things just don't feel right." A few days later I was called for an interview for a position that I really wanted. I also got the news that my betas had properly doubled. Gone from 235 to 545 and was told that's great see ya in two weeks.

I ended up not getting that job and well... that pregnancy shortly after the 545 began bleeding again and it turned out to be an ectopic- but of course we didn't find that out until multiple beta levels and a d/c the day before my birthday.

What's different this time... a few days... and I got the PICU position. I will now be a nurse in a pediatric ICU... I hope I'm up to the challenge. So now I wait for the other shoe to drop because as history has shown us... we have crappy luck.

Response to comments: I had expected pithy comments in regards to the fact that D and I apparently are bunnies and can't figure out how to use a business end of a condom to save our lives... instead I got sweet comments. I'll take that.

Anonymous - Interesting... that works...

Erin- said it best NBHHY to quote getupgrrrl... I can go with that. I have no bleeding... in spite of starting prometrium late at 12 dpo... I got the position where I didn't last year.

Dino - asked if we even knew how to get a true negative... My mom if she had had all the children she was supposed to would have had 13 pregnancies. She has 3 living children. Apparently the ability to conceive has been passed down without regard but the ability to carry a pregnancy she forgot to pass that part on.

All - hope is something I'm trying to keep the lid on. If this is the first time coming to this blog if you read my "about me" you'd realize that habitual aborter or recurrent pregnancy loss takes a lot out of any couple... having been "not negative" 7 times this last year and 8 times total with no take home baby to show for it - let alone an u/s... leaves my husband and myself with the thought of if it's bad luck then it'll hit us upside the head just when we least expect it. Generally right after we get our hopes up. This is why we're of the jinx factor. If something good comes of this then that would be fabulous. If something goes wrong... well all I can pray is that we don't have to schedule a d/c the day before my birthday because seriously that would be the thing that would send me over the edge.

So NBHHY...

4 comments:

A mother lost... said...

I found your blog for the first time today. I can truly understand your feelings and your fears; I have been there to many times already, feeling the same fear for “hope”.

Though I learned one thing; the “edge” gets further away every time we believe we are getting close to it. In some strange way we humans always find a way to survive when we think we see the edge.
My husband once said that the extraordinary strength of a woman with recurrent pregnancy loss; is one of Gods great mysteries.

I keep my fingers crossed for you and pray that “hope” doesn’t betray you this time.

Take care

M

KrisAndRod said...

hoping, praying, and keeping our fingers crossed for you, Sam!

Cathy said...

Congratulations on the new job and fingers crossed for everything else.

Marz said...

I am only going to say Congratulations on your new job. That is going to be 1 rewarding place to be.
As to the other thing, only keeping high hopes & good thoughts for you. Please keep us posted.