Friday, August 25, 2006


Why not me?

Isn't that the question we always ask ourselves? You know the one when you've just gotten off the phone with a friend who is either complaining about her children or the coworker who isn't quite happy about the unexpected pregnancy? I know you've done it... I'll even admit to thinking the thought myself a few times. Most of the time though I count my own blessings... a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful dogs, a job I enjoy, a roof over our head, family, friends etc.

I had a friend recently say that parts of her life should be mine. She has two beautiful children and an unhappy marriage. The part she thought should have been mine was the kids. She said this knowing that I understood she wasn't wanting to get rid of her kids or complain about her kids... she was complaining about her marriage. I knew that... she knew that and she knew I would not be offended by the comment.

I guess the question should be why do I deserve this over someone else? I don't. I'm not a saint and yes I'm a sinner so that means I'm human. I truly don't believe that every month there is a certain number of people that will get what they desire and if they get it then I won't. I don't think things work that way. Now granted I don't know how it all works out but I know that eventually, somehow it will work out. Maybe not in the way I thought it would, but that one of these days it'll all work out.

I know this because D and I dealt with 3 years of living apart... 2 of those being married. It was hard, it was a lot of driving. It's not something I'd recommend, however we made the choice as a couple then as husband and wife and it worked out for us in the end. Whenever an interview or a job posting would come up I'd ask are you applying? Or after an interview or test went badly I'd cheer him up. Initially I would offer to quit my job and move back to the other side of the state... and D would say "No. You love your job, the organization you work with values you financially and I like this side of the state and want to raise our family there." It became a token gesture - he knew I didn't want to, but if it meant being with him I would move back to the area. We prayed about what to do... and somehow we decided to buy a house that I lived in alone with him occasionally visiting for a year and half. We were about to throw in the towel for a while on the job search and suddenly there was activity. Background checks were being done... and a call. A call that changed our lives... D took a position so that he could live with me as his wife. He didn't even think about wages or benefits, he just said "Yes." I hate the pay cut, and am not terribly fond of his new prescription coverage, but after going years wondering when I'd be living with my husband I can say I live with him and I love him and it's fabulous and I treasure it.

I think that sometimes you have to deal with the hand you are dealt - which is what D and I did for the 3 years it took us to get to be in the same household. Which is what all of us are trying to do whether it be habitual aborter, endometriosis, ovulation dysfunction, male factor infertility etc etc. We have to make our own happy endings. Not relying on someone else to do it for us. We may rely on medical professionals to help us at times, but we are not just a set of circumstances, but choices. Sometimes those choices work out for the best and other times they send you back to the drawing board, but we all have a choice to make... is it going to bottom us out to the depths of despair or are we going to grab that life jacket and let it pull us to the surface and then float till we find land or something to hold onto.

I'm all about safety - so I'll be strapping on the life jacket now.

Now what about you? Will it be the life jacket or are you going to wait for someone to rescue you?


Anonymous said...

I love the analogy that you used, as a recurrent pregnancy "loser" I just wish I knew what my life raft is was...

DD said...

We have been waiting for someone to come rescue us, but now we're strapping on the life-jacket!

Vanessa said...

I've been reading your blog for quite some time now. I just want to thank you for putting it like that. Why do we deserve to have everything we want? I know many people hate the saying The Lord has a plan and it's up to Him. I firmly believe that. My husband and I KNOW that God has a plan for us and it might not include our own children. That is something we must come to terms with. It doesnt' necesarily mean that we will stop trying or give up. I've gone on too long, but thank you. It helps when wise people who've been doing this longer than us put it in straight terms and answer the questions I couldn't ever put words to.

Lorem ipsum said...

People ask me frequently whether I'd rather trade places with my SIL - 31, two kids, no dads in picture, but spoiled rotten by her parents, who have bought her two houses, more cars than anyone can remember, pay all her bills still and raise her kids 95% of the time. And for most of that, I'd say no. I'd love to have someone take care of stuff for me, but on the other hand I believe it's ethically wrong. (She is healthy and able bodied, just lazy with enabling parents. We get... nothing.)

But yeah, it doesn't make sense why some people get away with everything and we who try to do everything right get screwed. They say it builds character, and you and I can sleep well knowing we've worked for everything we have. But when it comes to children, we've done all we can and still come up empty. Meanwhile, all these celeb mothers and their precious little mistakes are all over the media.

I believe God helps those who help themselves; without going to an RE, I would never have known that some problems existed. And so I turn to those with more expertise than we in that case.

Just do the best you can. Now, if I could just believe it myself...

Adrienne said...

I'm a life-jacket kinda gal, pulling myself up by my own bootstraps (although it gets harder after each smackdown). I'm convinced that it's not about what you deserve, but what you make of it. And I'm trying to make lemonade.