Decisions...

I've worked nights for the last 15 years... I briefly worked days about 10 years ago, but quickly went back to nights. Recently a position has been posted that would allow me to go to days for 12 hours- 3 days a week. I'm very torn. My husband works nights and has no desire to go to days.

Going to days means a lot of change for me... for an antisocial girl like me it would mean more people... more bustle... I like the people I work with. They're great. I'm comfortable.

I don't know if it would be better for Squeaker if I worked days or not. I don't know if it would be easier for my mom if I worked days or not... I'm very torn and indecisive about this. I don't know if when we add a second child to this family it would be easier for everyone if I was on days or not. It's just a hard thing to think about.

So... here I sit trying to come up with an answer and good old husband says "Do what you think is best." Gee thanks...

Six Years

I met this wonderful man March 31, 2003... well to be honest we'd met before, but I didn't remember him. Anyway... we met again on March 31st. He was coming to the city that I lived in to visit a mutual friend and needed a place to stay as mutual friend didn't really have much for him to sleep on except a couch and I had a whole spare bedroom. I offered up my house and went to work that night. I had a spark - that tingle in your stomach when I had opened the door. We went on a date the next night and the rest is history.

It was just right... we became engaged in February of 2004. I had already bought a wedding dress in December of 2003... I was that confident that we were getting married. I believe I told him... "Hey guess what... I got a great deal on this dress today." When he asked how much I paid and I told him... he asked what the heck kind of dress it was. I responded back with, "it's a wedding dress, so you better hurry up and marry me before it goes out of style." I asked him to marry me and he said I needed the cat's permission. He finally said it was HIS job... and that it would happen at the right time.

He asked me with a message in a bottle... I still have the treasure chest and message in a bottle. It sits on our mantle. Our parents were thrilled... my dad went ahead making plans, telling everyone under the sun and just generally being thrilled - we learned about the telling everyone under the sun at his funeral... which negated the idea of eloping.

So... on September 18, 2004 I married my best friend... a man who accepts me just as I am. We had no idea that our quest to have a family would be as rocky as it was. It was never my problem... it was our problem. He was by my side through the HSG - although he did get really warm and really pasty... and he was the one to tell me that our first miscarriage was actually ectopic. He even sat by my side as I had an in office d/c - in spite of that whole not good with stuff like that. I still give him cr*p about not answering his phone at 4 a.m. when I called to let him know that I was on my way home as my water broke.

Through all of this... I would marry him again in a heartbeat. So... Happy Anniversary my love!

Happy birthday SD!

Squeaker... SD.... Not Negative... These are just some of the names that my son has had in his 3 years of life plus 9 errr... 8 months of gestation.

Today marks his 3rd birthday. This beautiful, sweet, intelligent boy has brought so much joy to my life. I am a better person because of him. He is a rough and tumble boy. He's always climbing on things to get something. He doesn't let anything slow him down. He gives his mom, dad, and nana a kiss before leaving every day. He waves goodbye to each and every one of the dogs.

So... happy birthday my sweet boy! We love you very much!

Long time no see :)

Hi there, remember me... I know I know it's been a while, but in reality things have just been busy and to be honest there hasn't been that much to say. However I will update.

Infertility wise... we haven't set up the appointment with the RE. However my periods which have been wonky at best due to nursing are now getting a bit more regular so this fall we will have aow n appt with the RE. I just have to schedule it. I have their number in my speed dial so it's not like I don't think about it every time I scroll past their name.

Work wise... things are interesting. There may be the opportunity for a day shift position and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I think that days would be better for Squeaker and my mom. On the other hand it's days and days means lots more people lots more bullshit. I just don't know. I wonder if they'd let me do a trial and see how I like it before I actually commit? It's worth a shot. It would also mean seeing D less on the days I work as he's not going to go to a day shift.

Squeaker wise... still doing speech therapy and we did do an audiologist appt because he had to be referred for his hearing. Turns out - he hears just fine. Just doesn't speak. Although I do have to say that he is closer now than he was a year ago. Eating wise we still struggle somedays, especially without the high chair. Getting him to SIT and eat is a struggle. I'm not sure how to work that one out. On the bright side he tried a real fresh blueberry and a cherry. Prior to this he wouldn't have touched it with a ten foot pole. This week also brought hives... from what we're not sure. However it did resolve with benadryl and zyrtec so definitely an allergic reaction kind of thing. We suspect a sport drink that D let him drink, however it could have been anything.

Dogs... well Megan who previously was known as the good dog apparently was a wolf in sheeps clothing because wow can that girl be naughty. We thought Ernie was always doing things... NOPE... Meg is his partner in crime. The pups (Blue & Pepper) are doing great. Lola is her usual fiesty self.

My mom - still is having issues with her eyes. We go back in a few months to the eye specialist. I see a corneal transplant in her future... when who knows. She's also had some blood sugar issues recently which explains why she becomes a raging b*tch to me on occasion. I'd be that way too if my blood sugar was 37. She's keeping a food diary which hopefully helps her to see she's not eating enough hence the blood sugar issues. It's amazing what little sugar will do for your personality. :)

So what's up with you? And if you've read this far then you will see Ernie observing D & Squeaker fixing Nana's car. Yes he's in his underwear. No we're not completely potty trained yet, but on occasion we like to run around as if we are. It's a work in progress :)

Five Years

Five years ago I had my first d/c.

That d/c left me reeling... I also learned I had an ectopic pregnancy that day and got a dose of methotrexate. I came home and started googling. I'm sure I came up on one of Julie from a little pregnant's blog and decided to start my own at that point. What a wonderful and strange journey this blog has taken. I've come a long way and in that time I also learned a lot about myself and my husband and about the world wide web where I have made many friends.

Five years ago I did not know recurrent miscarriage was going to be my diagnosis or luteal phase defect for that matter. Five years ago I still had rose colored glasses. I thought this was just a blip in the road. Who knew that that would be the beginning of our journey.

This blog still serves a purpose and infertility is still a part of my life. We'll be delving back into the whole ttc business in the fall, so I'm sure I'll have lots to say come then.

Thank you for coming and wishing me a happy bloggiversary. I'm still here. I'm still standing.

What IF?

What if infertility wasn't a part of my life...

I have a hard time thinking of it. I am so far away from that person I was before infertility. The one who thought s*x without birth control meant a baby. It's hard to think of that person and wonder how I would be different. I would be though.

I would have a 5 year old rather than an almost 3 year old.
I would not be g12p1a11 (That just looks WRONG on so many levels).
I would not had to have taken IM progesterone.

My husband and myself would not break into a cold sweat talking about trying for a sibling, yet knowing we both want it. You would think that almost 3 years since the birth of my son we'd be a little less PTSD from all we went through, but we're not.

Imagine if they could say for sure what caused all those miscarriages - were they ectopics resolving on their own or were they just low progesterone?

Imagine a world without infertility... or at the very least everyone with infertility was able to be diagnosed and treated and those treatments worked... wouldn't that be a beautiful thing.

Infertility Awareness Week

It's all over the blogosphere that it's infertility awareness week and I figured this was a great time to retell my story.

My first miscarriage was when I was 21. An unplanned pregnancy where the guy I was dating literally said "You're joking right?" when I told him I was pregnant. He was relieved when it ended in a miscarriage - I on the other hand didn't know what to think. I knew it wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I was scared, but not terrified.

Flash forward 5 years to 2005 and I'm married to a wonderful man and we start on that baby making train. At the time we were living apart half of the time so timing was a thing we needed to just give it our best shot. We were successful after about 3 months trying... however things were weird. I started out spotting, then bleeding and yet still had a positive pregnancy test. I ended up calling my OB and he ordered a beta hcg with a repeat in 48 hours... I think that doubled, but the numbers were really low for where they should have been. Eventually I had another beta and that showed that the beta had fallen, but not where he wanted it to and we scheduled a d & c. I was for some reason worried about an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctor felt that wasn't the case. Flash forward to the day before my birthday and I awake after anesthetic to the news that it was indeed an ectopic. At that point I found the world wide web of blogs and started blogging.

By the time fall came around I had had another pregnancy with a wimpy beta and was pushing my doctor to do a endometrial biopsy to see how my lining was. We did that test in November and learned that my lining was not the plush pillow top matress one would hope, but a crappy motel mattress - no wonder pregnancies wouldn't stick. So - we tried clomid and progesterone supplements. We were hopeful this would fix things... alas it did not and at that point my doctor threw his hands in the air and said - you need to see an RE.

It took 2 months, but we went to the RE and he was impressed with all the testing we had already had done for recurrent miscarriage. I was devastated with the initial diagnosis of habitual aborter - it's just an awful diagnosis especially since we wanted a baby so badly - I know it's all about insurance coding, but come on come up with a nicer term please? He prescribed injectables after an HSG and to continue a different progesterone supplement. We continued to have positive pregnancy tests with wimpy betas. During a rest cycle (unmedicated) except for progesterone we had blighted ovum a year to the day of our previous d & c/ectopic pregnancy. We were beginning to be defeated.

Eventually we switched to IM progesterone with the injectables and off we were again. We did an IUI as well. I'm skimming a bit, but really no one wants to read of month after month of positive pregnancy test yet seriously shitty betas. It was about every other month that we were having a positive pregnancy test and each one would start off with that beautiful 2 lined test and the next day bleeding. It got to the point that I was able to tell what my beta was going to be based off the pregnancy test darkness.

We approached 2007 and decided we needed to take a break from formal treatment, after talking it over with the RE we decided to just do the IM progesterone and see what happened. If after a few months we'd reevaluate.

That was the cycle that became Squeaker or Not Negative Take 12. That pregnancy started off the same as all previous pregnancies... with bleeding. I had multiple betas and those had appropriate rise and were decent numbers, my progesterone was great. They have no idea why the bleeding. On January 31st we learned the pregnancy was in the uterus. The next week we had a heartbeat. We didn't feel out of the woods yet... we had an u/s every other week until we were released from the RE at 10 weeks. I spent most of my pregnancy in fear... I didn't think it was really going to happen until after 32 weeks... and then Squeaker came early at 35 weeks.

We were fortunate... not fortunate that it took 12 pregnancies total to have him, but fortunate that we have him at all and fortunate that in that journey to having him we met and found such incredible women and men who shared our journey with us. Maybe that was the reason - I don't know, but I'm thankful for having met you via the internet.

I don't know if our shot at a sibling for Squeaker will be successful. I can pray that it will be and I can pray that it won't be like the first time... however just thinking about trying makes me break out into a cold sweat - so stay tuned. In other words - not trying yet.

Way too long...

Sorry it's been a while. Things have been going well. Squeaker started speech therapy in February and in the last month or so he's really making a lot more noises and occasional word. We've decided on a preschool which is scary and all that rolled in one. It'll be 5 days a week and he'll still receive speech therapy as part of it. I'm nervous about sending my baby off in the fall for 5 days a week, but we want what we think is best for him. The teacher seems wonderful.

In January my mom had her cataract removed... since then things have been interesting. She has had an increase in her blurry vision to the point that I decided after a bad appt with her current eye surgeon to see a true cornea specialist. That appt will happen on Wednesday. A part of me wants her to just have the cornea transplant, and the other part of me is like suck it up. She's terrified of losing her ability to drive. I don't blame her it's a big loss of freedom.

In other news - we're in negotiations about getting back on the bandwagon of trying. Nothing official yet - no phone calls to the RE have been made, but it's something we're talking about - which is more than we've done in the past.

And yes - Squeaker is still nursing... which is a challenge. I'm trying to do the child led weaning and I remind myself it's not hurting anyone. He nurses for naps and bedtime. He doesn't take a bottle at all and so it's just a part of our daily lives. We're working on potty training.

So that's my update for the moment. Hang tight I'm sure soon I'll have lots to write about between the thought of trying and my mom there's plenty of stories out there!

Not surpassing expectations...

This is a tough post to write... and while generally I focus on infertility or parenting this is about something else... not meeting or exceeding someone's expectations. I learned that I did that. I thought I was meeting or exceeding expectations, but turns out I'm not - but it's not in a cut and dry sense of the word... no it's more in a vague way which really is irritating. I'm actually pretty peeved by that realization. However it has opened my eyes that I can't meet everyone's expectations. I can't exceed everyone's expectations and damnit all... I can't kill myself trying to. Maybe it's the wake up call I needed.

I've also learned I'm not going to win any popularity contests. I get superficial friendships, but those deep friendships that inspire loyalty are few and far between. I'm not sure how to rectify that. It actually makes me pull more inward. I'm already a pretty inward sort of person, so this makes it even more so.

I know this is vague... but have you ever thought you wanted something only to realize maybe you didn't when you learned you didn't meet someones expectations? I just did... and I'm not sure how I feel about it. By the way this has nothing to do with parenting or infertility... and more to do with just life stuff.

Soon - the year in review...

Merry Christmas!

May your day be filled with family, friends, and good food. From my family to yours!

Being Broken...

In my real life there has been a rash of pregnancy announcements... and I'll admit to being torn. One couple I'm extremely happy for - it took them greater than a year and she was getting ready to start delving into modern medicines interventions when it happened. The other... it was an oops and their first child is about 18 months old. When talking with her about it she alluded that the other should be happy because she got to "try" to get pregnant. I told her that basically trying isn't all that much fun. It took 2 years of trying for SD to be here and lets just say the trying gets old when that occurs. I don't think she understood. I know she didn't. If you haven't lived in it then you don't understand. Although I will admit to wanting to punch that person. I refrained.

I recognize that some of this is jealousy. For me to even think about trying it involves a trip to the RE. I don't want to take the chance of having a doomed pregnancy because I don't make enough progesterone on my own to support an "oops" pregnancy. I don't want to take the chance that it "might" work. I want a pregnancy to know that it has the full support of everyone and anyone. We just don't want to take the risk and I'm okay with that. However it hasn't made me go through and schedule an appointment with the RE yet. Key word is yet. I want my cycles to come back to normal and to wean SD before that occurs. I
think the reason why I wanted to punch the one newly pregnant woman is that she had a luxury I don't have. I can't just try and see what happens.

However I had my yearly appointment with my regular guy and I mentioned that we would probably start trying again and go to the RE. He supported that go to the RE thing. Which reminded me that in the reproductive bits... I'm still broken. That's a little disheartening even if I already knew it. It's one thing to know it yourself... it's a whole nother story to have the medical professionals agree with you.

Fitting in...

I don't think I fit in...

I'm kind of stuck in between traditional and natural parenting. What the hell does that mean? I vaccinate... I'm okay with the fact I had a c-section... My child wears cloth and disposable diapers... We still have plastic in the house... We're weeding out high fructose corn syrup. I don't buy all organic - I'm too cheap for that.

There's just a lot of things that separate me from both my peers and my coworkers. I fit in here. I fit in with my close friends. Trying to fit in with my coworkers - it's tough. Their priorities and my priorities are totally different. I look like the hippy granola girl with them. Which I'm not. But one of the big reasons why I look like that is due to still breastfeeding... or let me rephrase it... because we've breastfed for so long. I know it always comes back to the b**bs doesn't it?

However with the granola group - well I don't fit in either. I'm okay with having the birth I had... hell I was maybe disappointed for about 5 minutes, but then there was that real live healthy baby and everything about disappointment went out the window. I can't muster any energy to be upset about the birth SD had. It was what it was and I have a healthy, happy child because of it. Then there's the vaccinate or not vaccinate debate which makes my head explode. Especially now with all the s*ine f*u talk and the vaccinations regarding that. I know that my decisions are based on what I see at work and lets just say that is not a pretty picture - which without disclosing how I fall on the vaccination debate probably gives you an idea of how I fall.

Ultimately I am so thankful for this space... this collection of women who I can say I fit in with. Maybe infertility brought us together, but my parenting choices hasn't brought us apart. For that I am thankful.

Prayers Needed For a Friend

Many of you that do read here will remember my friend Mandy she's also located at Inside Amanda's Head the first is her infertility blog and journey to motherhood. The second blog was started recently due to her learning of having chiari malformation which now necessitates brain surgery. She will be having the surgery tomorrow. If you are a praying person - send up some prayers. If you're a positive vibe kind of person - send those her way. Essentially I'm asking for you to think of Amanda and send her and her family your thoughts. I appreciate it and I know she will too.

Early On

First off... we've graduated from feeding therapy. Can we all go WOOHOO! Now granted we've still got lots of work to do. However I can honestly say the 12 weeks of therapy were worth it. Last night we went to a restaurant and my son actually ate a thing of mac n cheese from the kiddie menu. We sat and stared while he did it we were in such awe.

However we have watched patiently for Squeaker to have this language explosion... which hasn't happened. We've heard "hey blue" and "I love you" but we don't hear much else. So we decided that we would have an evaluation by Early On and see what they had to say. Today was the evaluation and we learned that Squeaker does indeed qualify for services in speech.

So in the next few weeks we'll be having the sit down to discuss goals and come up with a plan etc. His receptive language is off the charts, but his expressive is sadly lacking. Hopefully we'll have similar feelings about Early On as we did regarding feeding therapy. We shall see.

I'd Do It Again In a Heartbeat

Yesterday was my anniversary. Five years ago yesterday, I married a man who understands me. A man who loves me wholeheartedly and who is there for me. He was at my side through infertility and he has been by my side through parenthood.

I am a lucky lucky woman.

So - Happy Anniversary to me and the one I love.

Not How I Thought It Would Be

DinoD asked... and now I shall answer...

Is Squeaker still nursing? Yes. Yes, I'm nursing a toddler. I never thought that would be the case. I hoped to nurse until he was 2, have the birthday party and say goodbye to nursing- you know a burn the nursing bra party. However he's still nursing and the birthday party was a few days ago. We've significantly decreased the frequency of nursing, but he's still totally into the b**b when it comes to bedtime and when it comes to naptime... or if he's particularly pissed off about something.

I'm also admitting that I'm a lazy parent and bedtime is so simple with the b**b that seriously we'd have to change our nighttime routine and I'd rather not go through the hassle. I will eventually start having D put him to sleep, but with wonky work schedules it's hard to figure out how to make it work.

D is not terribly thrilled about this turn of events. No matter how often I tell him that it will eventually end and it will eventually means before he turns 5 and hopefully before he turns 3. My mom teases about him still nursing as does my friends and coworkers. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know it's outside the "norm" and slaps a crunchier label on me than I really am.

I do have to admit to enjoying one benefit of extended nursing... my periods didn't show back up until June. I wasn't terribly thrilled to see that particular thing show back up, but such is life.

Suggestions are welcome... I'm kind of doing the child/parent led weaning. I'd rather just slowly wind down and have him have no interest in it... however I'll admit to being a bit worried that he is going to be nursing forever.

Happy Birthday Squeaker!

My baby turned 2 today... It's hard to believe that two years have passed. Happy birthday SD!

Happy Birthday Friend...

I may not always have the "right" words. However I will always be there for you- whether you want me to be there or not. Happy Happy Birthday Mandy

Remembering A Father...

While celebrating another...

Father's Day is a day when I cherish the husband who is now a father... and remember the father who is no longer with us. My dad is someone I remember at odd times throughout the year. When my mom and I recently had difficulties I really wished he was here. He could calm her down and get her to see reason quicker than anyone I know.

I doubt I've told this story on here before, but when I was probably 1 or 2 my mom got extremely angry at Christmastime with something my brothers and sister had done and attempted to throw the Christmas tree and all the gifts out. My dad being a brave man chose to lock her in the bathroom. He didn't just lock her in there... he locked himself in with her. She was spitting mad - like a hissing wild cat, ranting and raving. His response to all of this was to hug her and just listen. He told her they weren't getting out of the bathroom until she calmed down. She eventually calmed down... and Christmas was saved.

That's just who he was... he was willing to stand the heat. He could handle it. Over the years growing up Dad was always there for me. He let me make mistakes, but he was always there to pick up the pieces. I wonder how he would have handled the multiple miscarriages that we suffered. I'm sure he would have found something just right to say to make me know just how much it bothered him and just how much he loved me and hated to see what we were going through. I wonder what he would have thought of having a grandson named after him. Or of having a grandson that at times is the spitting image of him. Although now that Squeaker isn't as much of a cueball he looks slightly less like him.

My parents would have been married for 33 years on the 19th... Today my mom is placing yellow roses on my Dad's grave. That's their flower...

Today I remember the man that raised me. He may not be here, but he is not forgotten. I also cherish the husband I have who is a fabulous father. My dad would be proud of my husband for being such a great father. I think my dad saw the potential when he gave his blessing for us to marry by announcing to the whole world that D was his son. Not his future son in law... but his son. That's just the guy my dad was.

Time Does Heal Some Wounds...

Four years ago I had my first d/c which I then learned was an ectopic. Three years ago we received the news that a rest cycle pregnancy was not viable... who would have thought lightning could hit twice. It did... and two years ago I spent the 15th under the covers with a doppler and poking my belly in the hopes that Squeaker would a) stay in there and b) live. Last year I spent the day enjoying Squeaker.

Today I did the same. This is not meant to say I don't still have bad memories of the 15th, but I'm making new happier memories of this day. It's the day before my birthday. The day before my bloggoversary... It's what lead me to this wonderful community. I have a lot of things to be thankful for... including...

Nanna will be coming back. She misses me... she misses Squeaker... she misses Dan.