I've spent the last few days in hibernation mode. Hibernation mode for me is my way of regrouping. It's also my way of just getting back to my baseline. It generally occurs for a day after coming off a long work stretch... this one lasted almost 3 days. My husband was beginning to worry. Although he also saw how deeply I was sleeping that he wasn't too concerned and that the dogs had put up a barrier mode of cuddling of sorts - Lola at my side, Ernie on the other side, Chance between my ankles. He knows by now I only do that when extremely exhausted. He took care of me for those 3 days. He cooked, he made sure I ate, and he just let me be. For that I'm thankful. Hell most days I'm thankful for him... (although I wasn't too pleased when the 6 boxes of coffee showed up at our house the other day). I'll get to that later.
My work stretch was particularly stressful due to beta day... Beta day was Monday and involved Sunday night of me working all night, knowing that the beta was going to be puny and lets not forget having to drive an hour to do that plus drive an hour home... then go to work that same night. It meant I got maybe 3 hours sleep. Tuesday involved phone calls back and forth from the RE's office. So that too involved little sleep. Culminating on early Wednesday morning a migraine. Migraines tend to be triggered by lack of sleep for me. I didn't feel human Wednesday night. I didn't feel human Thursday- in spite of a wonderful hour long massage. I finally felt human Friday night late as we were driving to my mom's house.
So I'm back. Back to normal - kind of sort of. D and I talked about the waiting a month thing and we talked quite a bit about it... and we're okay with that. We're okay with not being pregnant like we were last year at the end of May. We'd like to start the next 12 months off with a positive and a positive that lasts. We've also talked about how we're going to handle the next cycle. Meaning when are we going to schedule beta days, etc. We're going to request 2 no matter what is for certain. The other thing we're going to do is do a late beta. None of this early crap for us. We've sworn off hpt's. Unless D buys them... and he's said no even if you are the divine beta guru it's not happening. We're going to check with the RE's office about making sure ovulation has occurred at that supposedly 36-48 hours mark because what if I'm a late ovulator (is that even possible with the hcg trigger?) See all of these things I don't know the answer to and Dr. Google hasn't been too friendly in giving up the answers. We're also going to talk with the RE's office about increasing the progesterone because I spotted quite a bit this last cycle. Maybe 200 mg a day isn't enough... heck I have no idea. Ultimately we're going to make the good doctor and his nurses earn their money come May. Not that I haven't made them do their work, but we're planning on making them step it up a notch or two or three.
I also spoke with my sister... and she wanted to learn more about everything. So I disclosed... and I had to break it to her that we've become very cynical in regards to positive tests... We've had multiple positives. We've had 6 pregnancies in the last 11 months. Apparently that living on the other side of the state for us is NOT a problem. Of the 6 pregnancies 3 have had properly doubling betas. None have lasted long enough for an u/s. My family has an extensive history of losses... My sister had a late second trimester loss with her second pregnancy. My mother had multiple first and a few second trimester losses... My aunt had first and second trimester losses. All of these women went on to have babies eventually. I will too. I just think that both D and I are going to protect our hearts quite a bit in regards to any pregnancy that crosses our paths. I knew D was feeling that way when we did the digital last week and he said "We need one that says technically pregnant, but don't get your hopes up."
I think that statment is the thing I feel the worst about. 11 months ago I told him... "we're pregnant, but don't get your hopes up I'm spotting." I wish for once I could say to him with certainty - this will work out... Then he too could have hope back rather than the fear that the next time he leaves to go to the other side of the state I make that phone call saying... "Honey, I don't think this is going to work out." I think the day that that happens will be a very special day in the 3 dogs house... I hope that day happens soon.