Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hodge Podge and Catch Up

First - images of D and my mom standing at the coffee pot are pretty accurate. If you also imagined banging on this vapor locked coffee machine you'd be pretty much up to date. It even got put in the freezer in the hopes it would release so they could try again. I amazingly enough (the not mechanically inclined wife/daughter) was able to get their coffee machine open. D kissed me... hard... and said with sparkling eyes "I LOVE YOU!" Then immediately cleaned the coffee machine and put a new pod in to make his coffee. If you imagine me shaking my head - you'd be right. So that's the story of the coffee monster er monsters that I get to live with. Fortunately I love them and have become very adept at making them their single serve coffee if I'm up and about. It's primarily my mom that I do this for.

Now this week has been interesting to say the least... I have much news bubbling under the surface. Involving septic tanks, springing leaks, heartbeats, interviews, thoughts of when to beta, finding lost CD's and well good old fashioned exhaustion. I'll try to keep posting, but I go back to work tonight and will work each night until Wednesday morning. I'm not sure when I'm going to do a beta. I know that leaves a lot of people wondering, but I'm going to try and let D decide. The 4 days I have in mind are dependent on where we are at that time. The RE's office likes for the betas to be done at the same lab. So after Easter I'd have to do either Mon, Wed or Thur, Sat... I'm not sure what I'll do and I'm not sure D knows what he wants to do. I just know that next week when we leave to go to my mom's I won't be bringing any hpt's with me - and that is almost a miracle!

On a sad note - a childhood friend of D's Mom is ill. Right now they aren't exactly certain what is going on as she's got multiple health problems, but hypertension (high blood pressure) seems to be her biggest symptom as well as a headache that won't go away. (yes, I know the headache could be a sign of the bp) The point is prayers are welcome. I've met this woman and she's so very nice and kind - almost too kind, but I've found that this woman is genuine. So prayers are appreciated that K's mom makes a swift recovery and that they find out why this is happening.

Now on with the show!

I get these emails called daily inspiration every day (hence daily) anyways the last couple days have yielded some interesting thoughts... this one popped up in my email this morning.

Quote of the Day
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." – Peter Marshall

Yesterday's was... "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."– Franklin D. Roosevelt

And then the day before was... "You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result."– Mahatma Gandhi

Okay so I'd rather be like diamonds and be formed under pressure, but I think I'm already diamond like right? As for the trying something - we're definitely doing that... and then I do like the last one of if you don't try there will be no result. Well we're definitely all for trying because darnit we like results.

Anyways the point is that I don't know that I'll ever be able to just give up. It's not in my nature to do so. Even if this cycle doesn't work we'll most likely try something new... just not with injectables- not right now. We'll talk to the RE, but we've managed to get pregnant without drugs how about do the old fashioned thing and just try with the progesterone after ovulation. If it works great... if not then that's fine as well - but that's my next step or plan as it is... (I always have to have a plan during the two week wait).

While this month I responded much better than I did last month a part of me is nervous that this won't work. I say nervous because financially we've already said that we can't try anything more invasive until we've built up our savings. Savings is not my forte' it's my husband's, but to build up our savings that means me picking up extra shifts and to be honest... I don't WANT to work more. Mentally my profession can be exhausting... and the thought of increasing my mental exhaustion just makes me go run to the bedroom and cover up with covers for the interim. So what is the solution? What's my plan?

There isn't one. Sometimes you don't have a solution. Sometimes all you have is find a way to keep on going on and that's all you can do. Surviving is not admitting defeat it's just that surviving to come back another day and fight the good fight. I'm not defeated, I'm not a quitter, I'm just a woman with a wonderful husband, a cooky mother, 3 wonderful dogs that knows that most things in life that truly are wonderful don't come easily. To know that most things in life don't come easily all I have to do is look at my past.

I met my husband when I was about to give up on finding love. We've managed to survive the odds - living a weird wacky way of 3 hours apart and we're going through all of this losses in 1 year and we're still okay. My relationship with my mom - hasn't always been smooth, in fact it's been rocky. Now we have a great relationship - she loves my husband and respects both of us. 3 wonderful dogs - well 90% of the time they're wonderful the other 10% they're driving us nuts - but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Easy is just not a part of who I am. So why should I expect that having a baby would be "easy". I don't. I went into this rat race with my eyes wide open, and slowly I had to open my husbands to the fact that this might not be easy. It hasn't, but we're still together, we still love one another, and we still want to keep trying. So we'll keep trying, and if we fail, we'll keep trying.


Jill said...

You have a wonderful attitude, Sami, and I have no doubt that you will find a way to become a mother.

DinosaurD said...

Good luck on the heavy work load for the next few nights - I used to work evenings and my lord did it ever mess up the old circadian rhythms.
I personally identify with your husband's coffee addiction (just don't tell him I characterized him as an addict). My husband and I grind our own coffee (it's got to be a burr grinder mind you), and we're finicky about the type of coffee and method of brewing. It could be worse - I've heard of people roasting their own beans (sigh - maybe we're headed there).
I read an autobiography about 10 years ago written by a nurse (about nursing)and I've always remembered it. I'll try to find out who the author was but
1. perhaps you've already read it
2. perhaps it's not what you want to read away from work (but it was wonderful - sad but wonderful)


Marz said...

There is also a saying in which I totally believe in:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
Good luck & I'm glad that you're going to be recovering POAS addict this cy. Me too, lol!

Kath said...

Dear Sami, I'm just catching up here. About the coffee thing -- my husband's a cappuccino freak, and he's got me hooked too. We have two espresso/cappuccino machines in our kitchen (one for everyday use and one Italian contraption that takes ages to warm up but makes divine coffee) and between them is a coffee grinder. Because the espresso beans have to freshly ground. So I can picture the scene with your husband and your mother very well...

I wish you wonderful luck this cycle, my dear. And I like the way you think!