Saturday, April 22, 2006

Well we know where this is headed don't we?

Well I figured I had better update. Because we all know how progesterone dependent I am what should happen but after being off progesterone from Monday afternoon until Thursday night? Well Thursday night found a slight spot... Friday night in spite of the restarted progesterone after midnight - so Saturday of course the spotting turned to more of an ooze or light flow... so personally I've written this chemical pregnancy off. I could of course be wrong, but with my track record I'm pretty sure of what I'm saying. I'm hoping that we can do another injectables cycle starting Monday. Monday morning I'll take a pregnancy test at home if that's light/negative then I'm going to call and get the u/s done and hopefully get my protocol.

This is the part I hate... I hate getting my hopes up. Even though I try hard not to... in your mind you come up with a due date... you come up with telling your parents... all those things come into your head. The part I hate the most though is the phone call to D. Because I know that even though "we're okay" it still hurts. Of course as is our track record bad things tend to happen when D is over on the other side of the state. I called him at 3 and said yeah uhmm this is not likely to go our way and he responded with... how come this always seems to be like this... a Friday night/Saturday morning you call and tell me things don't look good. We need to change things up. He then casually mentioned... at least this one we can blame on the RE. (If you don't remember or haven't read the posts where the first pregnancy that ended up ectopic he blamed himself, the second one we blamed some family member of his... the third so on and so forth. Not once has my husband ever said it's my fault... even knowing that I have the luteal phase defect. So this has become our ongoing joke of who to blame next. It's his coping mechanism. Mine is blogging and laughter. His is laughter and figuring out which asshole relative he can blame this time) So in spite of the hurt... there are a few things I can be thankful for... I have never had to go through a loss where a heartbeat has been detected. For me that would hurt way more than this does. These chemical pregnancies with each one I get hopeful and I'm happy that that still happens, but my hopes when they get dashed don't bottom me out to the depths of despair. They sit me on my bottom for a moment or two... and then I come up with a plan. A plan that says the next time this will work. Now how do I go about making it happen. My parents, family, and friends can attest to my stubbornness. I am full of stubborn. Whatever is causing my uterus to reject these things so quickly will be fixed. Maybe not this time, but hopefully next time.

So keep your fingers crossed that Monday comes and we're able to start our cycle of injectables. Throwing caution to the winds, shooting gonal-f at the ovaries and coming up with 2-3 good eggs... ahhh a girl can dream.

Let the record state next time... we'll do both betas before stopping the progesterone. I will always trust my gut and I'm going to talk to the RE about upping the progesterone. We're looking for that fluffy pillow top mattress... because that old junky motel one is getting thrown out as of today!


Kath said...

Oh, Sami, I'm so sorry. Crap.

Mandy said...

Crap, crap, crap. Actually you know me and the four letter word that I uttered was much more un-ladylike than that. Sorry I missed your calls this weekend, really wanted to talk. Keep me updated. Sending you tons of hugs.