Is This Really Me?

Well first I need to post about my three days of work...

Sedations are interesting - I'm not sure I'd want to do that job on a daily basis. Granted it's nice making kids go "night night", but it's also generally for things like a bone scan or CT or biopsies to find tumors and well - that's just not something I'd want to do on a constant basis. Generally if a kid is being sedated for a procedure or test it's because something is wrong. These parents are frantic, want results and well I can't give them those - because I'm not a doctor and well the techs don't tell us a thing most times.

I also took care (during my two night shifts) some end of life care. Right now I'm kind of whipped physically and emotionally to even tackle what this means or how this works... bottom line it's more about keeping the patient comfortable and helping the family navigate through this awful time. I think I did a pretty good job. I hope I gave her the support she needed.

So - after hoping to get out of work on time. I didn't. I was running late - speeding to my u/s appt. I fortunately was only 5 minutes late, but still one hates running late. I also changed in my car from my sweaty scrubs to something more office appropriate. I was quite pleasantly surprised at how different the RE's office is on the weekends, a bit more relaxed. I got to my room after having blood drawn and got my pants off (the person doing the wanding knocked and I yelled - one second!) It was my RE. I kind of blinked a few times, as well the only time I've had an u/s with the good doctor was during bad news weeks.

Now at the time of those u/s I was really too wound up about the results or impending results that I didn't notice technique or anything. Let me just say - he's a good wander. I was surprised since well.. as one friend said "never trust someone without a uterus". (This was said in regards to them saying it won't hurt, when talking about office procedures, tests, etc) He was quick, didn't have to search for anything, measured quickly then said "I'll meet you in the hallway." Again - color me shocked but okay. Usually the well u/s takes longer because an ovary decides to hide or whatever. So we met in the hallway then in a consult room and changed my meds around (I'm responding well, but he wants to bump up thing so we can get the few good eggs rather than 1 good egg) and I know if he wouldn't have been the one doing the wanding that I probably wouldn't have had a dose change, but continued on on my doseage previously. He wasn't even waiting for the estrodial results. Said - see you on Tuesday.

Then - we chatted. It was weird, but a good weird. He expressed his frustration with residents... have I mentioned that July sucks in regards to residents... it's when all the new ones show up. It's a well frustrating time to say the least. I utter the words "I hate July!" multiple times while working because yes - they're new, yes- they're inexperienced and well yes - they feel the need to ask their senior everything! And if their senior is a fairly new senior they then ask the attending. So something that if I had asked the attending would have been accomplished right away - takes about an hour with the new crop so to speak. It makes you want to poke your eyes out with hot skewers. We talked of summer, and of an office party they were having soon and it was nice. It was weird, but it was nice. It reminded me of why I felt "comfortable" when we first met, and why D is so "comfortable" with the good doctor.

So now to the "Is it really me" part of all this. I didn't ask for the measurements of any follicles, I did see my lining was 5.3, but truthfully didn't care. Didn't need to know. I didn't ask for my E2 levels and truthfully don't need to know. I guess I finally have just said - I'm paying a lot of money to do this... lets let them do their job. It's definitely a change, but I'm glad that so far I'm going with the flow and just trying to be zen about all of this.

Maybe it's the change in jobs... maybe it's just finding that I truly trust my RE to make the best choices... I don't know, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe it's the new me.

Oh and we talked about "difficult" patients. I'm fortunately not one of them... at least I don't think so or I'm not yet.

2 pm?

Why won't my dogs sleep later than 2 pm? I blame my husband. He got them on this schedule. Now that he's working 10 hour nights he's not so thrilled with it. I don't blame him, I haven't been thrilled with it for well over a year. So now... how do we fix it? For those of you that work days imagine your normal wake up time was 7 a.m. and your dogs suddenly started waking you up at 5 a.m. Not good.

We haven't figured that one out yet. For D this means he gets 9 hours sleep. For me it means I get 6 hours sleep. It just doesn't seem fair does it. Its the two younger ones that are the source of this early wake up. The geriatric dog of the bunch is all about sleeping in. Thank God.

So I guess this is what adjustment means... adjusting to living together. Adjusting the dogs to our new schedules. Hopefully it will mean that this will eventually work out itself. Otherwise we may need to invest in some puppy sleeping pills.

Fortunately I do love my dogs 99.9% of the time. It's just that early wake up call I really hate.

She's Definitely Gotten Bigger

Today has found us going to the dentist (both of us) and taking our youngest pup to the vet for shots.

So lets see stat wise... for the two adults - for me root canal retreatment given a permanent filling... for D - nothing done - watch and wait.

For the little girl of the group - Lola weighed in at an impressive 8.2 lbs. Yes. 8.2 lbs. This is 4 times the weight that she was when we first got her. She was 2.3 lbs when we first got her at 6 weeks of age. So she may be under 10 lbs, but she certainly packs a wallop when she jumps. She's our flying squirrel.

Well the little flying squirrel had to get 3 shots. She of course was a bit of a drama queen about the whole thing. We decided to hold off on microchipping her at this time since we have decided to vaccinate both her and Ernie will be vaccinated against Lyme disease. With the amount of ticks we've been dealing with - our vet thinks this is a good idea. I tend to agree. Chance will not be vaccinated as he has had some nasty allergic reactions to two vaccines. Since he's the one that spends the least amount of time outside or even playing outdoors and combined with his age it makes sense to not vaccinate him at this time.

So... we'll be going back to the vet in a few weeks to get the two younger ones started on the lyme disease vaccines... Lola I'm sure will be thrilled. Ernie - of course will be delighted as he has a crush on the vet. She calls him a big beautiful boy and he turns into a lush and just stares at her...

So tomorrow finds me working days... D is driving 3 hours to spend 30 minutes at court then driving 3 hours back to go to work tomorrow night. Yes - 6 hours driving for 30 minutes of work for a civil case. Can we all say - this is bunk. What a joke.

Escape From Reality

About a month ago I briefly mentioned I was waiting not so patiently for a book to come out... someone asked and I forgot to mention what the book was or even who the author was.

Anyways... so that all of you will know how weird I am... I'm going to make a list of authors that I read fairly regularly and how I classify them.

Johanna Lindsey - trashy historical romance novels. She was my first smut novel when I was in 8th grade. The novel that will always be my favorite - A Gentle Rogue... I have a thing for pirates. I think that her newest novel was what I was waiting to come out. Which if you click the link will take you to it. I bought it right before the d & c... literally. Not sure why we thought going and buying books was a good thing to do before hand, but well...

Julie Garwood - trashy historical and fbi thrillers (don't ask I have no idea why she decided to diversify, but I still like her)

Catherine Coulter - again historical romance novels and I have most of her books

Julia Quinn - historical romance - the Bridgerton series is fabulous... I can only imagine what she has up her sleeve next.

Lori Foster - very good modern romance - that has some sizzle to it...

Eloisa James historical romance - since my above favorite authors were not writing quickly enough I had to branch out... and I stumbled upon her and love her.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips romance - mostly modern day

Jane Green Jemima J - loved it as at the time when I was reading it felt fat and frumpy and I loved that she came out on top. It made me feel better about myself... and recognize some unhealthy habits that I had.

Jennifer Weiner Good In Bed was the first book of hers that I read and loved... again larger girl coming out on top... Little Earthquakes made me cry in a good way... all of her books I have loved. I highly recommend her. I'm not even sure how to describe her other than fiction, but oh so very good.

Lurlene McDaniels It all started with the Dawn Rochelle series... and I was hooked. I started reading her when I was probably 9. She writes stories for youth about real life things - diabetes, cancer, car accidents, alcoholism, abuse, AIDS, etc that are both inspirational and heart breaking. Yes, I'm a sap... yes I still read her... and yes I still cry when I read these books.

Laurie Notaro Author of The Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club... and many other short stories that make you almost pee your pants. I think she would be great to have as a real life friend. She made my husband and coworkers laugh almost to the point of peeing their pants. I had guys reading her book at work... it was comical and they loved her. I believe they couldn't even wait for her next book to come out.

Robin Cook medical technihorror is how I've always described him... I began reading him when I was about 11... started with Coma, Outbreak, and Fever... continued reading, but haven't read much of his new stuff in quite a while. I may have to after looking over this list.

Nicholas Sparks The Notebook, The Wedding, A Walk To Remember, Three Weeks With my Brother... lets just say I love them all.

James Patterson Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas, Sam's Letters to Jennifer...I haven't read his thrillers, but he got me with both of those. Loved them... have reread them many times.

The Anne of Green Gables series- I rooted for her and Gilbert Blythe... I've made D watch the whole story including the third movie. I have all of the books.

So uhmm now you know my secret. I'm a book nut. An eclectic book nut...

About a year and a half ago as I prepared to move from my old house to our new house I had packed up my books, and packed up a box of books to take to Goodwill. After weeks of seeing the books that I was giving away I begged D to take the books to Goodwill. D did... I came home from work after a particularly crappy night, jumped in the shower, came out of the shower looked around the room and asked D where my books were. D's response of "Goodwill" sent chills down my spine. D had taken both the "Goodwill" box and the box that was years of collecting... and by years I mean YEARS. These were books I had had since I was probably 9 or 10... I knew I couldn't yell at D for doing what I had told him to do. So I turned, put on my robe, walked out of the bathroom to the office, sat in the chair and rocked back and forth saying over and over... "I can't yell at him, it wasn't his fault..." D became quite frantic since I didn't return to go to bed, realized something was wrong, came running to the office, and said "I am so sorry. We can go to Goodwill and see if we can get them back." So off we went. The nice ladies at Goodwill realizing how upset I was helped us to find the books... we only lost a few. D still feels awful about this incident. He told my sister about it and her response of "OH NO - those are like her best friends.... you had to fix that." Made him cringe, but he did fix it. Even now he strongly adamantly refuses to take books to Goodwill unless I have handed them to him and said these must go. In his words - he never wants to see me look that defeated again.

Some people collect trinkets... I collect books. They're my escape from reality.

Since I can't sleep again - long story... I'm going to go curl up with one right now... and go for some escape from reality.

Now tell me your favorite authors... so I don't feel so odd.

It's That Time Again...

Not a whole lot to say... today is Sunday and D is off again. I've missed him. Even though I know this is a good thing 10 hour nights vs 8 hour nights - it's hard adjusting. Right now he's being precepted so he doesn't feel he can "call" like he used to. In other words if I call because I'm bored - he doesn't answer. Which generally leads to me throwing the phone down and maybe calling him some names. The events with Ernie over the last few days have led to quite a few of those calls. Not from boredom, but from anger. I think Ernie in spite of my taking him and Lola for walks, letting them play outside, etc is suffering from his own boredom. D thinks we need to find a watering hole that we can take him to so he can get this nervous energy taken care of. I'm inclined to agree. As right now when he goes running off I have to do a tick check everytime he comes in.

So - readers what's your take on advantix vs frontline for killing off ticks and fleas.

I ask this question because... we recently used frontline this month rather than advantix that we normally use. I found a tick on Chance last month that was literally dying as I found it and that was the month we used advantix. This month we used frontline and well I found a tick on Ernie and it wasn't dying. It made me worried that maybe the stuff doesn't work as well as it's supposed to. Thoughts?

Oh yes and cd 2. Enough said. We're back in the saddle again... I'm not sure how I feel about it all... I feel like I'm living my life in two week increments... in 2 weeks I should have ovulated. In two weeks from that time I'll know if this worked or not. I've already decided to let the phone calls go to D's phone, that when they tell me to trigger I'll get the beta bloodwork slips so I won't have to make any phone calls and well... that I won't be having my lab results faxed to me anymore. How's that for losing some control? Oh yes and we will NOT be purchasing any hpt's... so we'll be shooting up and well just having a grand ole time over the next few weeks. On the bright side - the in laws won't be coming for a visit anytime soon... My mother on the other hand will be here next week. Let the games begin.

Dogs... Are driving me nuts and eating my cookies!

By now everyone knows I have 3 dogs... right?

Just checking. They take turns as to who is driving me bonkers... today and yesterday it was a toss up by the two youngest ones... In particular the big one- aka Ernie. I HAVE to find a way to keep him off the counters. Last night and tonight he's managed to steal food off of the counter while I was doing something else. The kicker is that he's like stealth dog. I swear he's half human. He's eaten no bake cookies. Okay chocolate is NOT good for dogs. Granted the amount that he's eaten is still safe, but darnit. I wanted the no bake cookies!!!!!! D wanted the no bake cookies!!!!! We both wanted the no bake cookies. Fortunately Ernie did not eat all of the no bake cookies, but he put a significant dent in them.

So if I don't have the two dachshunds acting like houdini dogs and climbing on the counter I have Ernie going onto his hind legs and takiing stuff off the counter and then eating it. Now granted catching the two little dogs on the counter is hillarious as they try and figure out how to get off the counter before I reach them or their father reaches them, but seriously. These dogs are over all pretty well behaved. However all three are motivated by food. Whether they are hungry or not they are all about food.

So suggestions... other than a shock collar of course - because I am adamantly opposed to that. Obedience class... the two older dogs have taken obedience class and passed obedience class... the problem isn't that they're not obedient. It's that they're not obedient when we're not in the room.

And I'm Tired...

6 nights on a peds floor will do that. It also doesn't help that I tend to be a glutton for punishment. I had chemo kids. Which while cancer is never fun, these kids were dealing fabulously with their situation all things considered. I dealt with new parents dealing with a high bilirubin level (jaundice) their baby got to take in the rays of bili lights and a bili blanket too. I helped soothe an anxious mom who was dealing with an acute life threatening event (an apnea spell)... a pyloric stenosis... and a cystic fibrosis kid... who seriously ate like an elephant but was about the size of a peanut... I had diabetics (known and new onset) and well... it was a great learning experience. But boy am I tired.

I had an awesome preceptor... by awesome I mean I learned something from her which is always a good thing. It's hard when you've got so much experience to be precepted by someone and she did it in a manner that was both helpful and not condescending. She double checked my charting and you know what that's a good thing... when you're taking care of 6 kids... and you're clicking the boxes sometimes you get a bit heavy handed. She pointed that out to me. I like her. I like her a lot. She's caustic enough to really truly like her a lot.

So yeah that's great... so now we wait... D goes back to work... I spend today in bed and well... the cycle will repeat next week.

So that's my thought for today...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

Beautiful Images & Go Say CONGRATULATIONS

I brought all of you out of the proverbial woodwork with my condom story...

Alas the condoms are sitting unopened... hubby is sleeping er snoring... er not sure what you want to call it and is barely adjusting to the whole "10 hour shifts" I laugh as I work 12 hour shifts.

Now that's not a beautiful image, that's just the catch up kind of thing.

I'm on a work stretch so all should know I'm sporadic poster than, but I thought of all of you when I saw this image... A proud grandma. One of my coworkers who works days had this little envelope and she was grinning like a little kid... I asked what she had and she said of my new grandbaby. Her daughter and son in law are adopting from Guatemala and this was their second visit to see their daughter in spite of the DNA not being done yet... it's done now, but it's apparently not encouraged to visit before that's completed.

The images were beautiful... and made me get all teary as I looked at this family. This beautiful little girl, who obviously her birth mother loved her, her adoptive mother and father loved her and her grandmother LOVED her. The joy at just the thought of this family being united made my heart swell. (Shut up... yes, I'm a sap at heart, don't mention it I'm also cynical and caustic at times, don't mention that either.)

And it made me think of Alex - The Infertile Gourmet who didn't get to pray over her daughter last night, but who will get that pleasure in a little over 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS ladies and gentlemen... and that's fabulous news.

So families being united... isn't that always a beautiful image to put in your mind... a smiling cherubic face that shines with love... and it made me think.

It made me think of how far am I willing to go... and I don't know the answer yet. I do know that adoption is something I think about often. I know that we would do that before we would ever do IVF. What I don't know is how many losses are we willing to suffer before we throw in the hat. That's an answer I haven't come up with. I hope and pray that there will be no more losses. I also know that adoption is something I would do in a heartbeat... and it's something my husband would do without question. Because we know that there are kids out there that need a home, and need to be loved, and to us - it's not about how we become parents, but that we do become parents and share the love that we can really only share with each other and our dogs.

I told a fellow blogger... that she's a mom. She's suffered many losses and her and her husband have made the choice to proceed with adoption plans. She's a mom. She's a mom whether anyone else ever recognizes that. Her children were conceived in her womb, but live in her heart. Her adopted child(ren) will be conceived in her heart, but live in her arms. It's a subtle difference, but it's the way I view adoption.

So how about them apples...

Too Many Options... TMI just to forewarn ya!

Now why do I feel like a two year old stealing candy when I go into a store to buy condoms. Why does my husband get a kick out of the fact that a local grocery store sells lube and a vibrating ring - yes it had a vibrating ring that it sold, but NO condoms...

I didn't ask the sales people if they sold condoms, at that point I figured if they did they'd all be past their expiration date as the stuff that was on the shelf well it had a film of dust on it. D thought this was hillarious. I on the other hand not so much. I then pointed out the pitfalls of expired condoms and he went yeah that would be bad.

Seeing as we don't want to have to go back to Dr. SA and say yep we screwed up AGAIN... we went to another store... or lets be specific. I went to another store in another city because apparently our local store is of the "abstinence is best" idea... and well... we're not taking that chance.

I think the look on the people watching me try to decide which condoms I was going to buy were probably wondering why I was laughing at the titles. Tropical flavors? Gee thanks, but no. They also were in coordinating colors... they even had glow in the dark ones. I was just looking for your standard - lets not get pregnant one. Apparently things have come a long way since I bought condoms... They should have had a pamphlet nearby to tell a girl which one would do the trick rather than those vague titles... "for his pleasure." Yeah I didn't buy that one.... "for her pleasure" nope didn't' buy that one... why don't they have one that says "to not knock her up." That's the one we need. No wonder the teenagers look all confused about sex... with this many choices I'd be confused. Maybe I should have just gone to the family planning clinic. That might have been interesting. Okay it really would have been interesting, but all I'd be asking for is the sample of condoms please.

So hopefully my condom odossey will hopefully be done soon... Seriously soon. I'd like to get the proverbial show on the road.

Am I too Cynical? Hope mentioned...

I just read my previous post and I thought - wow she's burnt. Too a crisp.

Not that I need to validate myself - because well to be honest I don't.

These losses hurt. This loss hurt more than most of my other losses, because I have a picture of it. I have a picture of what it looked like when it quit growing... and I have a picture in my mind of what I wanted it to look like. This was the farthest that we got... on a "rest" cycle - actually on any cycle.

Of all the times things should have worked out - this would have been the one. Why? Lets see - on a rest cycle, great betas, it was in the uterus... and yet at the first u/s I knew. I knew that the odds were against it working out. At the second u/s I was numb. Bad news again the day before my birthday. Seriously who would have thought that would be possible... that bad things could happen two years in a row on June 15th... I didn't dream it was possible, though I certainly know that next year I am not going to be in my bed hiding under the covers and will request that night off as well as my birthday because well we're not going to see if third time is a charm. I may request the whole month of June off just in case.

Today I said to the doctor - we'll keep trying as long as one or both of us feel like we can. He nodded - soul patch and all and said "that's kind of what you have to do." I told him that we weren't getting our hopes up until we had something in the uterus with a heartbeat. The sad part he looked sad when I said that... because MOST of the patients he takes care of just dream of that positive.

I don't dream of a positive anymore - I've seen positives. I've seen enough positives to last a small life time. I dream of something in the uterus beating... and that is so much different than a positive. I can get a positive on my own. I want the whole shebang so to speak. I want the enchilada. I want it to work out and I want it to do so without me losing my heart in the process.

I hate what this has done to my husband - because the saddest part of today was that he just looked at things like I did... a tad bit cynical. Our rose colored glasses are broken. We're determined in spite of that. That says something about both of us, but I doubt either of us will ever be able to not cringe whenever I utter these words again "we're not negative" or "well we've got double lines" or "well the beta was - " That's the part I feel sad about... that at this point he knows what a beta should be. That he knows when I go - well... it's never a good sign. That we'll spend the rest of our reproductive lives either trying or preventing. That we'll never feel as if we can just go with the flow because - when we go with the flow - bad things happen. I think this next cycle - D's going to be the one getting the phone calls... I don't want the numbers, if it's positive - because we're not peeing on anymore sticks I actually am out of pregnancy tests and plan on staying that way... I want him to take that phone call rather than me... Because truthfully I'm tired of knowing the numbers. I'd like to distance myself at this point, lose a bit of control. Anyways...

So yes, I'm a tad cynical, but I know that even when I try my hardest, that even when D tries his hardest - we have still kept the "trying" fun rather than forced, that we still "hope" that things will work out... and that when we quit "hoping" is when we'll quit trying. But for now... yes, this hurt, but we're okay - it's been a long year... our relationship has grown tremendously in spite of all these losses... We're just standing here waiting patiently for our day to come when we can let loose with hope and dreams of what will be rather than of what won't be.

I hope that makes sense. I hope you understand if that's about as emotionally open as I'm willing to get with the proverbial "internet"

I'm going to try and get D to post his thoughts... I don't know that he will, but a girl can dream.

Don't be NICE???

Okay by now we know that I'm not the "touchcy feely type" right?

Seriously - you guys know this right?

My husband knows this. I'm a just the facts kind of gal. He's fine with that. We talk emotions... two weeks after a d/c really don't need to be touchy feely.

I don't think my doctor knows how to deal with me. I seriously don't. First - I'm not sure, but I got my blood pressure checked while standing at my post op appt... didn't need it. I'm not sure why it was done. I haven't had a bp check in oh 6 months or so. So that threw us for a loop. Then we end up in an exam room and well... I didn't need to be examined.

Dr. Smart Ass came in and instead of Smart Ass I got - kind sensitive non sarcastic doctor...

I had to throw him back to the Smart Ass side - seriously. My feelings about the miscarriage - it sucks. We keep trying. All the papers out there - say the same damn thing... keep trying. So we will. Asking me "how are you doing? in a very compassionate tone, just puts me on edge. I can't help it. It puts my husband on edge because he sees me getting just a bit anxious.

It leads me to forget all about the questions I have listed for you in my purse, but not in my hand...

The only questions I could remember were

1. Can we cycle as soon as I get my period...
ANSWER - Yes!

2. Could we check a prolactin level?
ANSWER - didn't we check one? flipping flipping flipping - nope no prolactin level in there... could have told him I know just about all the lab work I've had done and that's not one of them. However since I have no boob tenderness, no discharge from my nipples, and my periods are regular like clockwork - well not likely to be an issue.

3. Is it okay to use the PIO?
ANSWER - yes - that's fine - oh look you already have a prescription for it... convenient.

The only time he got even remotely close to smart ass like was when he said - oh this pregnancy was with the injectables and D and I had to go... Nope - it was us on a rest cycle... and he asked "So who didn't rest well." D pointed at me... and I promptly slapped him... Fortunately the good doctor said - so I take it you weren't willing... yeah right.

So - really nothing learned, I'll get the prolactin drawn sometime... not sure when in a week or so and then we'll go from there. The pathology came back - "normal" we didn't do karyotyping, but at least we didn't get "surprise it's ectopic." That would have really peeved me considering they hadn't called me about it.

So yeah I suck... just want to move forward and get the proverbial job done... oh they're looking for 2-3 "good" follicles... maybe I need to change my title to looking for good eggs?

Questions Questions...

Okay so I lied... I forgot to post the questions. To be honest - I haven't really been thinking a whole lot about this. I thought more about this before the d/c and less after. So sue me.

Anyways... some of our questions have already been answered - prometrium vs progesterone in oil - we're going with PIO next time. Yes, I signed myself up for it, it's my own damn fault, but on the upside... D will be doing the shooting - not me.

So...

1. Can we cycle again once I get my period?
2. Can we do cd 3 bloodwork - check a prolactin level which has never been done before, fsh etc?
3. How do you know if 50 mg IM once a day is truly enough progesterone? Just curious. Not that I want more, but I'm just trying to make sure I get enough progesterone.
4. How do you know for sure that within 48 hours after the hcg I'll actually ovulate? Is there a way we can check?
5. How many eggs are we really going for this time? What are we planning on doing differently?
6. Am I annoying you yet?
7. What about now?


Okay so Dr. Smart Ass will get some questions asked... I will have my handy dandy list and I may even have some articles that I printed off... alright so I have them all ready to go for tomorrow. I truthfully think this may have been just my genetic fluke chromosomal mismatch happen kind of loss... I know that sounds like it doesn't matter, but it does. It just would be one of those things rather than one of those things I could fix kind of thing. Does that make sense?

Anyways - stay tuned. I'll try to post pics of the little drama queen tomorrow.

Drama Queen

Did I forget to tell you guys that my little girl is a bit of a well... to be quite frank... she's a drama queen. I blame her father. He blames my mother. Either way since a very early age Lola has well responded to quite a few things with the high pitched shriek of the banshees and made everyone within a 10 mile radius know that she is scared. It makes you think that there was a foot torn off or something.

She's fine. Ernie is fine. Chance is fine. I did find a bruise and two small bite marks on her head... I found those uhmmm well 2 hours after the incident. I'm an awful mother. Now granted I'm not that awful, because well... D didn't find the other mark on the other side of her head. I found that today. Now- those little "wounds" could be from well Ernie's normal rough housing or they could be from schizophrenic Sadie... it's truly a toss up. They have not affected Lola in the least aside from last night when she was playing them up for all she was worth - whining if you touched her head, whining if you tried to pick her up, quivering, etc.

Today found my little girl - well being the normal terror that she always is. I witnessed her biting Ernie's jowls and his feet as he kept putting his foot in close proximity to her... and well we all know that ticks her off and a lot of barking, growling, play fighting and real live biting occurred. She's fine...

She tried to get D to let her sleep on his pillow, but D was having none of that. He knew what she was up to... then she whimpered and well... she got the pillow.

Really...

We've come a long way...

This is the first Friday that we won't have to drive 3 hours to my mom's house in a VERY long time. Granted my mom is currently at our house... and she is leaving today, but it was nice.

It was nice to have my mom at our house. She cleaned. She played with our washer and dryer... and by played I mean - washed just about everything in our house... twice. She went with me to my dentist appt and was as shocked as I was that the guy - actually fixed my snaggle tooth... I'm serious this tooth is weird. It's a snaggle tooth. I had adjusted to the idea of having to have some oral surgeon go in and tear this tooth out and be all drugged out and wham bam a little xylocaine and it's fixed. I'm still stunned.

I've spent two days dealing with Lola being attacked by Sadie - my mom's schizophrenic golden lab... I swear she always attacks the little ones... a year and a half ago it was Chance. This year it's Lola.

Oh and we have ticks. Or lets be more specific - our yard of weeds or field of weeds has ticks. Which means in spite of advantix which apparently kills them quickly as evidenced by my frantic yelling of D there's a tick in the bed off of Chance and D going - I think it wiggled it's last leg. I hate TICKS....

So I have about 4 days until my follow up RE appt... Next post will be a list of questions for the good doctor... aka Dr. Smart Ass... I think that nickname works - he's a bit sarcastic... I have a tremendous respect for what he does... and wow... thinking to give orange juice to the gal with reflux and nausea... I think that statement had to be a smart ass comment on his part, not positive and I may ask him about that, but ya never know with these RE guys right?

So wait patiently I've got the questions written out. Just haven't typed them yet.

Finding My Way

Tonight I finally worked in peds... vs PICU. PICU is a 10 bed unit max maybe... peds much bigger... nurse to patient ratio is much different as well. PICU 1-3 per nurse... Peds 4-8/nurse. HUGE difference for this critical care nurse.

I had a great preceptor... I had a bunch of babies... and by babies I mean my youngest was a week old and my oldest was 22 months. Seriously... and I LOVED it. I snuggled with the week old baby and the 2 weeker and just wow... I still want to be a mom. I was still happy to hand them to their moms. It was good...

There's nothing better than feeling maybe you accomplished what you hoped. My change from the adult world to the pediatric world is a huge one. I HAVE to get my POTTY mouth under control... I can curse like a sailor. Rather than using my "words" I need to come up with alternatives...

Fudge? instead of well you know...
Shoot instead of well...
Gosh Darn it instead of well...
Heck...
Oh good lord this is going to be hard. I already told my one preceptor... I may need a shock collar - do you have any of those? Seriously I was doing great for a while.. then I met my husband. D curses like a sailor. I do as well... my mouth has gone from being relatively "acceptable" to "GUTTER" in only 3 years.

He has some explaining to do... I told him... we have to clean up our gutter trash talking ways... he agreed... then proceeded to yell at Ernie with explitives...

Boy - we're going to have to pray on this... and work on this... and well... maybe get someone to man the shock collar button. Wish me luck, but ya know what... either way I am happier than I ever dreamed I would be. In spite of the sad cases that I've seen, I feel like I finally found "home" or where I need to be "right" now. And that is always a good thing...

A Whole New World...

Who would have thought that bright colored murals would make a person change their total personality...

I didn't think it was possible. I just new I had to make a change. A change occurred.

I originally was slated to work 3 days on the peds floor. I arrived on Thursday to the locker room where I met my preceptor and found out we were working PICU. I made the choice as to which patient we were taking... My preceptor spent the whole day saying - she's teaching me things. I was starting to get embarrassed. I met various pediatric intensivists and they kept saying "We've heard a lot about you." I looked at them and said - that makes me nervous I hope it was good. I saw my trauma docs... the guys from downstairs and they looked relieved and happy to see me - asking me particular questions and taking me aside to ask how my patient was doing. It was a great first day...

My second was also in PICU... my preceptor was a wonderful PICU nurse who had a ton of knowledge... while my first day dealt with a trauma patient that was 12... my second was a baby... the injuries don't match the story - enough said... the outcome will not be good for this beautiful baby, I said some prayers as infants are definitely out of my area of comfort so to speak... my preceptor was gracious and willing to teach. Fontanels are something I can honestly say haven't felt much before... sutures - yeah uhm no not those eithers... unless we're talking about skin sutures... we're talking about the skull bones. The education guru called and made a request - if I could go to PICU on nights on Saturday... I said yes... I have a feeling - my orientation may be shorter than it originally was going to be. It's just a hunch, but so far I haven't ended up in peds yet... which is where they were hoping to get my variety of experiences so to speak... we shall see...

I think this change was for the better. Yes, I will see a whole lot more heartache... but I will hopefully see a whole lot more miracles. I pray that that is the case. I pray I am able to make a difference in one child's life. I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of teaching... The wonderful nurses who started my orientation have left a mark on me... a good one. I now know this was the RIGHT move for me.

I can breathe easier... I can joke... these people are just getting to know me and are excited to have me. It's flattering. I hope I live up to the image they have made in their minds. I hope I continue to learn... and that I don't get hardened by the things I will see.

D started his new job today - I hope his first day went well... I think he got pepper sprayed... oh and we love our new washer and dryer... may have to post a pic next week.