Monday, July 10, 2006

Am I too Cynical? Hope mentioned...

I just read my previous post and I thought - wow she's burnt. Too a crisp.

Not that I need to validate myself - because well to be honest I don't.

These losses hurt. This loss hurt more than most of my other losses, because I have a picture of it. I have a picture of what it looked like when it quit growing... and I have a picture in my mind of what I wanted it to look like. This was the farthest that we got... on a "rest" cycle - actually on any cycle.

Of all the times things should have worked out - this would have been the one. Why? Lets see - on a rest cycle, great betas, it was in the uterus... and yet at the first u/s I knew. I knew that the odds were against it working out. At the second u/s I was numb. Bad news again the day before my birthday. Seriously who would have thought that would be possible... that bad things could happen two years in a row on June 15th... I didn't dream it was possible, though I certainly know that next year I am not going to be in my bed hiding under the covers and will request that night off as well as my birthday because well we're not going to see if third time is a charm. I may request the whole month of June off just in case.

Today I said to the doctor - we'll keep trying as long as one or both of us feel like we can. He nodded - soul patch and all and said "that's kind of what you have to do." I told him that we weren't getting our hopes up until we had something in the uterus with a heartbeat. The sad part he looked sad when I said that... because MOST of the patients he takes care of just dream of that positive.

I don't dream of a positive anymore - I've seen positives. I've seen enough positives to last a small life time. I dream of something in the uterus beating... and that is so much different than a positive. I can get a positive on my own. I want the whole shebang so to speak. I want the enchilada. I want it to work out and I want it to do so without me losing my heart in the process.

I hate what this has done to my husband - because the saddest part of today was that he just looked at things like I did... a tad bit cynical. Our rose colored glasses are broken. We're determined in spite of that. That says something about both of us, but I doubt either of us will ever be able to not cringe whenever I utter these words again "we're not negative" or "well we've got double lines" or "well the beta was - " That's the part I feel sad about... that at this point he knows what a beta should be. That he knows when I go - well... it's never a good sign. That we'll spend the rest of our reproductive lives either trying or preventing. That we'll never feel as if we can just go with the flow because - when we go with the flow - bad things happen. I think this next cycle - D's going to be the one getting the phone calls... I don't want the numbers, if it's positive - because we're not peeing on anymore sticks I actually am out of pregnancy tests and plan on staying that way... I want him to take that phone call rather than me... Because truthfully I'm tired of knowing the numbers. I'd like to distance myself at this point, lose a bit of control. Anyways...

So yes, I'm a tad cynical, but I know that even when I try my hardest, that even when D tries his hardest - we have still kept the "trying" fun rather than forced, that we still "hope" that things will work out... and that when we quit "hoping" is when we'll quit trying. But for now... yes, this hurt, but we're okay - it's been a long year... our relationship has grown tremendously in spite of all these losses... We're just standing here waiting patiently for our day to come when we can let loose with hope and dreams of what will be rather than of what won't be.

I hope that makes sense. I hope you understand if that's about as emotionally open as I'm willing to get with the proverbial "internet"

I'm going to try and get D to post his thoughts... I don't know that he will, but a girl can dream.

1 comment:

Maribeth said...

Hugs!!! I can't say I understand how you are feeling, but I care more than I can say. Wish I were there with you and could just hold you in my arms!