Friday, February 09, 2007


Right now the best way I could use to describe how I'm feeling is to say I'm juggling... D feels as if he's waiting for another shoe to drop and be the thing that seals our fate. He's fearful that this is going to end. His fear is rubbing off on me... I've googled u/s measurements, crown rump length, etc etc and I have dial up so everyone knows that it took some time to do those things. We want this badly, but whenever we get hopeful we both kind of internally pinch ourselves like - quit it. Because we've been burned so many times before hope has now become the enemy rather than the savior.

Melissa posted a hope/wish box... a box for someone else to hold your wish. I'll admit to putting a wish in there. Sometimes giving voice to your fears allows you to finally be free. Of course that hasn't happened yet as my fears in the dark of the night have come creeping out.

We told my mom about this and she's tickled... and we had to back her up a few notches. D did the backing up of the bus so to speak. We told her we'd tell her when she could get truly excited and D voiced his fears to her. I'm so lucky that D has such a relationship with my mom... D has also made the decision that we are not telling his parents. He doesn't feel that they could a) keep a secret or b) understand how to give us empathy if this does go tits up. So as a good wife (quit laughing I can occasionally be biddable) we're refraining from telling them for at least a few weeks if not longer. It's also easier for us then. Everytime we tell one more person our anxiety level increases. It's not pretty at all. So we wait and hope and wish that Friday would get her sooner rather than later... and in the meantime we try not to lose our minds.

I think Thalia said it best - that u/s are generally only reassurring the day you have them after that it's back up in the air (at least she said something along those lines).

So excuse me while I go huddle in my bed and pull the covers over my head and attempt to sleep my way through the wait until u/s day... I'm trying to be an ostrage and somedays doing well - others failing miserably.


Maribeth said...

Oh it's so hard when you want something so much and you're afraid it might actually be happening.

Try to relax (LOL I know) and let the dogs/puppies keep your mind in other places for a few more days.


statia said...

I agree with Thalia.

I don't know if this helps, but what got me through that time was just taking everything one day at a time and letting go. I had to realize I couldn't do anything to change the outcome of how things are going to turn out. Now that doesn't mean I relaxed about it. No, I drove everyone and their mother crazy. But every day that I woke up pregnant, I considered a new milestone.

I hope for the best for you. The early days are definitel not easy.