While I've talked about my dad on this blog, I haven't said much about my mom - and while this is post is about the two of them I will post about just my mom in the future. I'll give you a glimpse of her and then of the two of them.
When I say you'll never meet another person like her... I'm not kidding. Many friends have been surprised to meet her and find out that the stories I tell are all TRUE. She's truly a unique individual. I don't mean this in a bad way, just in a unique way.
Well my parents were married in 1976, but how did they really meet? If you asked them before I was born they would tell you that it was by attending a parents without partners meeting. My mom was in the process of getting divorced as was my dad... Both of their soon to be ex spouses were less than desirable spouses. My dad wooed my mom by being a good father figure to her children (my brother and sister). Apparently my dad had my mom's number right from the start. He'd ask my mom if he could take the kids to a carnival, fair, event, whatever - knowing full well that my mom can't ever stand to be left out of something so she'd invite herself along as well. After months of doing this they finally went out on a date alone without the kids... And well as the saying goes the rest is history.
However in reality my parents had met years earlier. My mom found this out when she was 6 months pregnant with me. A friend of hers from high school asked her who she had married and when my mom told her she started laughing hysterically...
My mom was a bit of wild child during her teenage years... I've heard stories of her waking up in a hearse. (I still can't quite picture that one) Apparently her and her friend decided to steal her boyfriend's car and ended up in a ditch... Yes alcohol may have been a contributing factor, snow may have been as well. My mom's friend called a family friend to ask if her son could come tow them out.
You might have guessed by now that my dad was the tow truck driver... If you've guessed that then you'd be right. What you might not have guessed is that my dad didn't charge them a dime, just made them promise that they were safe to drive home and that they would never be so foolish again.
My mom never in a million years imagined that the tow truck driver from years past was actually her husband. She ran home from work and asked my grandma - who confirmed that it had happened and then asked my dad.
He remembered towing two crazy girls out of a ditch, but hadn't put much thought into the friend of the girl - just had thought they needed to get their crazy butts home.
So my dad and mom apparently didn't make much of an impression on each other the first time they met... Thank goodness they made better impressions on one another at their next meeting or I may never have been born. This makes me feel better because I don't remember D and my first meeting...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Privilege
When I work (I do generally 5 or 6 night stretches) a lot of the time I end up with the same patients during that stretch. I take ownership of those patients... Having a patient for 6 nights in a row can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because - the continuity of care is a good thing - you "KNOW" the patient, the family knows you, and there's a certain comfort level that comes with those things... a curse - because you can become attached, the patient may be a pita, the family may be pita, the patient may just be weird, or the doctors may just drive you bonkers. The other curse is that no matter what you do right not every patient will survive what has brought them to the hospital. This curse is tough... as a nurse we're here to help, to fix things so to speak. Switching from taking care of the patient and "fixing" things to comfort and taking care of the family is a complete 180 degree turn.
End of life things - are hard to describe. I think as a nurse it is an honor or a privilege that a family gives you to care for their loved one at the end of their life. I think my job as a nurse is to make sure that all of the patient's and family's needs are met. That the patient is allowed to die with dignity and pain free. Here's an example... I apologize in advance...
Probably a year or so ago I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was involved in a car accident. He was truly in an accident - he wasn't drinking, someone else hit him. He was a good person and his family was devestated by the initial news. The father who had raised him was devestated. When his parents had divorced his father was the one who had primary custody and raised him. This man truly loved his children. The injury report he was given was bad... very bad. I spent 6 nights talking and praying and educating and listening as this father wrestled with the decision of what to do. He knew what his son would want, but he was terrified if he made the choice to "withdraw support" that his other son would hate him. He was fearful that his injured son would end up in a nursing home alone - that the family as a whole would visit but that they would get on with their lives. It was a very realistic fear and he knew it. He didn't need me to tell him that but he needed me to validate what he was saying.
Every now and again you get lucky... you get lucky in that you can see/feel this palpable love... this was the case his dad would be there during the night and generally go get some sleep and show up again around 4-5 in the morning and we'd talk about his son, about what kind of person he was, and you could feel that love that he had for his son and the love he had for his other children. It was heartbreaking to watch - but also a privilege.
Eventually we found out why his brother was having such a hard time with this - they (meaning the pt and the brother) had had an argument - neither one ever got the chance to apologize. Guilt can be a tremendous thing to overcome... and fortunately the patient's brother was able to do that. The patient's mother had a tremendous amount of guilt because she'd been a pretty lousy mom... The patient's father was wrestling with the guilt of wanting to do what the patient would want - withdrawing support.
Ultimately everyone in the family came to the same conclusion based on numerous conversations, hours of prayer, and I believe God's hand was all over this - because we were able to arrange hospice and the patient managed to survive a 3 hour ride to his father's home, he died about an hour after getting there. After that stretch I was emotionally bankrupt. I had nothing left to give - but I did and I still do.
I don't love death, but I do think end of life care as a nurse is one of the hardest things to do as well as the most important things to do. In nursing school they discourage you from crying with families... in reality a lot of nurses cry with families - including me. I don't normally allow family members to hug me. Every now and again one gets through and it solidifies and reminds me that I was meant to be a nurse. It validates what I do. I may not get thank you notes, or even an update card telling me how that patient and their family are doing, but that moment, that day I know that I've done some great things and helped this family in whatever they are dealing with.
I love my job. I think it's a privilege to be able to help families and patients when they need it most. I'm not going to say it isn't easy, but it's something I hope I'm good at. I hope this post makes you think. Advanced directives or durable power of attorneys for health care are wonderful things... make sure your loved ones know what you do and don't want - it is truly important to do. The other thing I'd like you to think about is...
Everyone always tells people to live each day as if it was your last, but truly how many of us do? I don't always, but I try. I never let the sun go down without letting my husband know I love him. I always hang up the phone with loved ones letting them know I love them. So live today as if it was your last. It's kind of liberating isn't it?
End of life things - are hard to describe. I think as a nurse it is an honor or a privilege that a family gives you to care for their loved one at the end of their life. I think my job as a nurse is to make sure that all of the patient's and family's needs are met. That the patient is allowed to die with dignity and pain free. Here's an example... I apologize in advance...
Probably a year or so ago I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was involved in a car accident. He was truly in an accident - he wasn't drinking, someone else hit him. He was a good person and his family was devestated by the initial news. The father who had raised him was devestated. When his parents had divorced his father was the one who had primary custody and raised him. This man truly loved his children. The injury report he was given was bad... very bad. I spent 6 nights talking and praying and educating and listening as this father wrestled with the decision of what to do. He knew what his son would want, but he was terrified if he made the choice to "withdraw support" that his other son would hate him. He was fearful that his injured son would end up in a nursing home alone - that the family as a whole would visit but that they would get on with their lives. It was a very realistic fear and he knew it. He didn't need me to tell him that but he needed me to validate what he was saying.
Every now and again you get lucky... you get lucky in that you can see/feel this palpable love... this was the case his dad would be there during the night and generally go get some sleep and show up again around 4-5 in the morning and we'd talk about his son, about what kind of person he was, and you could feel that love that he had for his son and the love he had for his other children. It was heartbreaking to watch - but also a privilege.
Eventually we found out why his brother was having such a hard time with this - they (meaning the pt and the brother) had had an argument - neither one ever got the chance to apologize. Guilt can be a tremendous thing to overcome... and fortunately the patient's brother was able to do that. The patient's mother had a tremendous amount of guilt because she'd been a pretty lousy mom... The patient's father was wrestling with the guilt of wanting to do what the patient would want - withdrawing support.
Ultimately everyone in the family came to the same conclusion based on numerous conversations, hours of prayer, and I believe God's hand was all over this - because we were able to arrange hospice and the patient managed to survive a 3 hour ride to his father's home, he died about an hour after getting there. After that stretch I was emotionally bankrupt. I had nothing left to give - but I did and I still do.
I don't love death, but I do think end of life care as a nurse is one of the hardest things to do as well as the most important things to do. In nursing school they discourage you from crying with families... in reality a lot of nurses cry with families - including me. I don't normally allow family members to hug me. Every now and again one gets through and it solidifies and reminds me that I was meant to be a nurse. It validates what I do. I may not get thank you notes, or even an update card telling me how that patient and their family are doing, but that moment, that day I know that I've done some great things and helped this family in whatever they are dealing with.
I love my job. I think it's a privilege to be able to help families and patients when they need it most. I'm not going to say it isn't easy, but it's something I hope I'm good at. I hope this post makes you think. Advanced directives or durable power of attorneys for health care are wonderful things... make sure your loved ones know what you do and don't want - it is truly important to do. The other thing I'd like you to think about is...
Everyone always tells people to live each day as if it was your last, but truly how many of us do? I don't always, but I try. I never let the sun go down without letting my husband know I love him. I always hang up the phone with loved ones letting them know I love them. So live today as if it was your last. It's kind of liberating isn't it?
Sunday, March 26, 2006
1 year and... Happy?
Yep we've hit our milestone so to speak... we've been ttc for a year. Truthfully it feels no different than the first month. I read a book recently called - "The Fertility Surival Handbook" and in it it said to reset the clock whenever you get a new diagnosis... so if we're going with that philosophy we've only been ttc since November - so with that philosophy we've only been trying for 4 months. That sounds a heck of a lot depressing than a year right? We'll go with that I think.
We're fine - started shooting up and we'll see how things go in a few days with bloodwork and u/s. Hopefully I respond better than I did the last time - but we'll see. I know I know it's quality not quantity, but if you ask me I think I shot out some crappy eggs last time.
On an odd note - tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So since I've done some big long depressing posts about my dad - although with much love... it's time for a cheery land of the living post about my mom.
When I was 18 I went to visit my sister up North so to speak. While visiting I bought a dog. Granted - I did call and let my mom know I was buying a dog as well as talk to my dad about it. My mom hung up the phone. The apartment I was going to be living in once I went off to college did allow dogs so I figured I was golden.
So I bought this dog and loved him and still do. We came home (meaning Chance and I) and my mother was screaming - don't you dare bring that dog in here - I am no longer talking to you... You're disowned. She was quite upset.
Since I've never been the shy type and certainly have pushed the envelope a bit, I brought this 4 lb puppy into the house... and tried to get my mom to look at him. I knew if she got a look at him her heart would melt at this one brown eye one blue eye puppy... She kept her eyes firmly shut and her head turned away. She wasn't listening to a word I said. She had my sister on the phone and was yelling at her too.
Thank goodness for Chance or I might still be disowned. I put this little 4 lb weiner dog down and he started checking everything out in the house. He came across a newspaper and grabbed a hold of it and took off running - well since the newspaper was over his head - he really had no vision as to where he was going. He ran into a table... and yelped. My mom dropped the phone and ran and picked him up asking him if he was okay - etc. Chance wormed his way into her heart. Nothing else was ever said about my being disowned. In fact my parents kept Chance the first 12 weeks I had him in order to house train him.
Now - my mom routinely watches our 3 amigos. She loves them and cuddles with them and talks to them. This is a different woman than the one I grew up with. She's happier. She shows her emotions and love a lot more easily. For that I am thankful. When we do finally manage real live human children she'll be the one to take care of them. She'll be our "nanny" and both D and I are very greatful for that. Eventually she will live near us and most likely will also live with us. We're both okay with that.
D and my mom have a unique relationship - he calls her on her oddities and also calls her a hypochondriac. My mom absolutely adores him and D is very protective of her - he watches out for her and I am glad that my husband likes my mom. With prompting he bought her flowers and a card for her birthday - he even hid it until this morning. He also is going to watch "Walk the Line" with her tonight.
So - while we won't out her age online... we will say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM - and yes we know it's March 27th not the 26th but we're celebrating now because it's a weekend!
We're fine - started shooting up and we'll see how things go in a few days with bloodwork and u/s. Hopefully I respond better than I did the last time - but we'll see. I know I know it's quality not quantity, but if you ask me I think I shot out some crappy eggs last time.
On an odd note - tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So since I've done some big long depressing posts about my dad - although with much love... it's time for a cheery land of the living post about my mom.
When I was 18 I went to visit my sister up North so to speak. While visiting I bought a dog. Granted - I did call and let my mom know I was buying a dog as well as talk to my dad about it. My mom hung up the phone. The apartment I was going to be living in once I went off to college did allow dogs so I figured I was golden.
So I bought this dog and loved him and still do. We came home (meaning Chance and I) and my mother was screaming - don't you dare bring that dog in here - I am no longer talking to you... You're disowned. She was quite upset.
Since I've never been the shy type and certainly have pushed the envelope a bit, I brought this 4 lb puppy into the house... and tried to get my mom to look at him. I knew if she got a look at him her heart would melt at this one brown eye one blue eye puppy... She kept her eyes firmly shut and her head turned away. She wasn't listening to a word I said. She had my sister on the phone and was yelling at her too.
Thank goodness for Chance or I might still be disowned. I put this little 4 lb weiner dog down and he started checking everything out in the house. He came across a newspaper and grabbed a hold of it and took off running - well since the newspaper was over his head - he really had no vision as to where he was going. He ran into a table... and yelped. My mom dropped the phone and ran and picked him up asking him if he was okay - etc. Chance wormed his way into her heart. Nothing else was ever said about my being disowned. In fact my parents kept Chance the first 12 weeks I had him in order to house train him.
Now - my mom routinely watches our 3 amigos. She loves them and cuddles with them and talks to them. This is a different woman than the one I grew up with. She's happier. She shows her emotions and love a lot more easily. For that I am thankful. When we do finally manage real live human children she'll be the one to take care of them. She'll be our "nanny" and both D and I are very greatful for that. Eventually she will live near us and most likely will also live with us. We're both okay with that.
D and my mom have a unique relationship - he calls her on her oddities and also calls her a hypochondriac. My mom absolutely adores him and D is very protective of her - he watches out for her and I am glad that my husband likes my mom. With prompting he bought her flowers and a card for her birthday - he even hid it until this morning. He also is going to watch "Walk the Line" with her tonight.
So - while we won't out her age online... we will say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM - and yes we know it's March 27th not the 26th but we're celebrating now because it's a weekend!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Patience- I've heard this is a virtue?
Everyone knows the saying Patience is a virtue...
Well we're going to hopefully exhibit some of that virtue this cycle. After much discussion we've decided that this next cycle there will be no premature peeing on hpts. Meaning I won't christen anything with my urine unless asked by a medical professional - the medical professional cannot be me. We'll wait for a beta to tell us if we are or if we're not. The prometrium worked wonderfully - no breakthrough bleeding - with the last pregnancy in January I had started with pink cm the day I got the positive... it progressed to full onset in spite of progesterone supplements (very low dose ones in comparison with what I'm taking now) so hopefully this means my endometrium is responding appropriately to everything and actually functioning well.
We've decided to let those we're paying money to do the jobs we're paying them to do.
Does that make sense? It does to us... and hopefully we're going to enjoy this a bit more than we did last time. Now I know what to expect... and that helps me greatly because it wasn't that bad. I can get through just about anything, but this month I don't have an HSG to get done as well as all those u/s. I have all the u/s to do, but I don't have to worry about another hsg and that in and of itself is a great thing.
So charge on... lets keep trucking along. Also some prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome. Know I'm sending them out to the universe for all of you as well.
Well we're going to hopefully exhibit some of that virtue this cycle. After much discussion we've decided that this next cycle there will be no premature peeing on hpts. Meaning I won't christen anything with my urine unless asked by a medical professional - the medical professional cannot be me. We'll wait for a beta to tell us if we are or if we're not. The prometrium worked wonderfully - no breakthrough bleeding - with the last pregnancy in January I had started with pink cm the day I got the positive... it progressed to full onset in spite of progesterone supplements (very low dose ones in comparison with what I'm taking now) so hopefully this means my endometrium is responding appropriately to everything and actually functioning well.
We've decided to let those we're paying money to do the jobs we're paying them to do.
Does that make sense? It does to us... and hopefully we're going to enjoy this a bit more than we did last time. Now I know what to expect... and that helps me greatly because it wasn't that bad. I can get through just about anything, but this month I don't have an HSG to get done as well as all those u/s. I have all the u/s to do, but I don't have to worry about another hsg and that in and of itself is a great thing.
So charge on... lets keep trucking along. Also some prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome. Know I'm sending them out to the universe for all of you as well.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Onward and Upward
Finally... Finally my body has decided to save me from yet another blood draw. We were saved by the uhmm proverbial bell. I was supposed to get another beta done if the good old period had not yet arrived. She decided to show this morning. So we had our screening u/s done and we are foot loose and cyst free. Apparently all that limboing I've done the last few days have caused things to shape up in there.
Now since some of you may have thought I was hallucinating about that whole beta of 5 with a positive hpt... I've said it in the past and I'll say it again EPT has always been the MOST sensitive for me... So this is what a beta of 5 looks like on an EPT -
Personally I had the number in my mind as maybe 10-15 with that kind of line, but that just goes to show you that my interpretation of lines is to be called into question.
In all seriousness we've come up with a game plan (we meaning Dan and I) I am promising to not take another hpt until after we have a beta confirmation... this next time we're not getting a beta done until I'm 14 dpo. Yeah I know a tad overkill, but I'm over the puney numbers. If this is going to happen I don't want to see 5 as the result. We're looking for 50. I talked with the nurse about the hpts... I said "While I could maybe believe I was hallucinating, I know my husband does not have the same precision with those things as I have and he seen the + sign." I think all of you should be supremely impressed that I did not bring the pee sticks like my husband wanted me to, I almost asked for her email so i could email the image to her. Dan would also like me to send a note to EPT and another company and let them know they are definitely the MOST sensitive, but that to show someone that kind of positive at such a weak number just causes a lot of heartache and that we'd like our money back. I told him if he wanted to do that we could, but that it was unlikely anyone would give you money back when there was hcg in my system, just a crappy level. He became a bit disgruntled then moved on to playing with the dogs.
So the news update is maybe start shooting up on Friday... we're switching things up a bit this time -hoping for a better response on all levels... keep your fingers and toes crossed and inside the cabin at all times.
On a personal friend update... One of my dearest friends just found out that she is pregnant after 20 months of ttc. I am ecstatic for her. It's been a long journey so send up some prayers, positive thoughts, etc her way... she's on my list so go give her some good cheer and CONGRATS are in order!!!!
Now since some of you may have thought I was hallucinating about that whole beta of 5 with a positive hpt... I've said it in the past and I'll say it again EPT has always been the MOST sensitive for me... So this is what a beta of 5 looks like on an EPT -
Personally I had the number in my mind as maybe 10-15 with that kind of line, but that just goes to show you that my interpretation of lines is to be called into question.
In all seriousness we've come up with a game plan (we meaning Dan and I) I am promising to not take another hpt until after we have a beta confirmation... this next time we're not getting a beta done until I'm 14 dpo. Yeah I know a tad overkill, but I'm over the puney numbers. If this is going to happen I don't want to see 5 as the result. We're looking for 50. I talked with the nurse about the hpts... I said "While I could maybe believe I was hallucinating, I know my husband does not have the same precision with those things as I have and he seen the + sign." I think all of you should be supremely impressed that I did not bring the pee sticks like my husband wanted me to, I almost asked for her email so i could email the image to her. Dan would also like me to send a note to EPT and another company and let them know they are definitely the MOST sensitive, but that to show someone that kind of positive at such a weak number just causes a lot of heartache and that we'd like our money back. I told him if he wanted to do that we could, but that it was unlikely anyone would give you money back when there was hcg in my system, just a crappy level. He became a bit disgruntled then moved on to playing with the dogs.
So the news update is maybe start shooting up on Friday... we're switching things up a bit this time -hoping for a better response on all levels... keep your fingers and toes crossed and inside the cabin at all times.
On a personal friend update... One of my dearest friends just found out that she is pregnant after 20 months of ttc. I am ecstatic for her. It's been a long journey so send up some prayers, positive thoughts, etc her way... she's on my list so go give her some good cheer and CONGRATS are in order!!!!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Limbo
Remember that song when you were a kid...
Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!
First you spread your Limbo feet
Then you move to Limbo beat
Limbo ankle, Limbo knee
Spread out like a Limbo tree
Here we go!
Get yourself a Limbo girl
Give that chick a Limbo whirl
When the Limbo moon's above
You will fall in Limbo love
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the clock --
Yeah I have that song playing in my head... just received my results from Friday... I had a beta of 5...
It's okay we're laughing right now because if you would have told me it was 5 on Friday I would have said are you kidding I thought EPT was only accurate to like 20 or more... no apparently I'm a freak that can get just about anything to read positive.
So now we wait - for what I'm not sure, but we're still living in limbo land. I think I would have rather had a completely negative thing and apparently I need to not ever take a pregnancy test again because I'll see a line, hubby will see a line, and the blood test will still come up freakishly low.
So... go grab your limbo sticks and lets LIMBO!!!! If we're going to live in limbo land at least lets make it fun and interesting!
Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!
First you spread your Limbo feet
Then you move to Limbo beat
Limbo ankle, Limbo knee
Spread out like a Limbo tree
Here we go!
Get yourself a Limbo girl
Give that chick a Limbo whirl
When the Limbo moon's above
You will fall in Limbo love
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the clock --
Yeah I have that song playing in my head... just received my results from Friday... I had a beta of 5...
It's okay we're laughing right now because if you would have told me it was 5 on Friday I would have said are you kidding I thought EPT was only accurate to like 20 or more... no apparently I'm a freak that can get just about anything to read positive.
So now we wait - for what I'm not sure, but we're still living in limbo land. I think I would have rather had a completely negative thing and apparently I need to not ever take a pregnancy test again because I'll see a line, hubby will see a line, and the blood test will still come up freakishly low.
So... go grab your limbo sticks and lets LIMBO!!!! If we're going to live in limbo land at least lets make it fun and interesting!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Yeah uhmm no period... still?
So Friday found us getting more bloodwork done- yes the infamous beta hcg... I did it early enough so I should have gotten results in theory... however I didn't call for them and they didn't call me so no news. I did pee on a test and of course the freak that I am it was positive. Which if you know me means absolutely nothing. I am probably the girl most infertiles hate... the one that gets a positive too frequently. It's not something I can control - believe me I'd rather have a negative over the amount of positives I've had that have lead absolutely nowhere fast... However it's not within my control.
In a perfect world though - yes this is my fantasy so bear with me! I would have a positive test and it would lead to a positive baby at the end. There would be no need for repeat betas and my husband and I both would be ecstatic and would not use the clarifier of "Don't get your hopes up" or "Yeah that's positive, but what did the numbers really do." or "Show me the ultrasound that proves this one..." Yeah we've become a tad cynical.
I don't wish cynicism on anyone... and if anyone knows a good cure for it please send it my way.
In a perfect world though - yes this is my fantasy so bear with me! I would have a positive test and it would lead to a positive baby at the end. There would be no need for repeat betas and my husband and I both would be ecstatic and would not use the clarifier of "Don't get your hopes up" or "Yeah that's positive, but what did the numbers really do." or "Show me the ultrasound that proves this one..." Yeah we've become a tad cynical.
I don't wish cynicism on anyone... and if anyone knows a good cure for it please send it my way.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Crap...
Well the results are in... beta was 3... so uhmm yeah that's negative since they consider anything under 5 negative. So onward and upward right ladies and gents... (not sure if any guys read but you know what I mean).
We're okay - meaning we looked at one another and said when has the first month ever worked for us... it's generally an every other month kind of thing... which means next month. We truly are okay... disappointed but okay and that says something. We both want this more than anything else, but we're trying very hard not to lose sight of the important things. No we don't have a pregnancy or a baby, but we do have each other and 3 wonderful dogs (wonderful when they're not eating chocolate and wonderful when they're not peeing on the duvet cover). We have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of those things. I have a fabulous husband, great friends, and I'm okay with me... so onward and upward we'll get there... it may take us a while, but we'll be okay.
We're okay - meaning we looked at one another and said when has the first month ever worked for us... it's generally an every other month kind of thing... which means next month. We truly are okay... disappointed but okay and that says something. We both want this more than anything else, but we're trying very hard not to lose sight of the important things. No we don't have a pregnancy or a baby, but we do have each other and 3 wonderful dogs (wonderful when they're not eating chocolate and wonderful when they're not peeing on the duvet cover). We have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of those things. I have a fabulous husband, great friends, and I'm okay with me... so onward and upward we'll get there... it may take us a while, but we'll be okay.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sometimes bad things happen...
How do you move on when they do?
I know for me I tend to rely on my faith, on the love of my husband, on the love of my dogs... others use alcohol, or drugs. Other's use lawsuits... What's right? I have no idea.
With all the upheaval and stress in hubs and my lives he bought a book... actually 2 out of the 3 part series... It's about child abuse. Now as a couple that works in health care and also in law enforcment and has fertility issues... I'm not so sure this was a good idea, but he read it. Then he told me about it.
I read the first book last night. I wanted to just sit and bawl at the atrocities that a human being would do. The book is a true story. A story of survival. "A child called It" by David Pelzer. I feel that I have to make my in laws read this so that they understand why we're so upset and up in arms about any form of child abuse. Severity doesn't matter.
A wise nurse I work with once said... it's better to educate and inform than to bitch and complain. So... I'm using that philosophy in my personal life and we're going to attempt to educate and inform them not only on child abuse but maybe even about the fertility crap. I don't know if this is a futile thing or if it's even stupid to do. However I've spent enough time bitching about it... it's time for action.
I've also decided that I want to switch up our donations we do to charitable organizations... I'm still in the beginning stages, but I know there's going to be some child advocacy organizations as well as child abuse prevention organizations... Education can be the key for a lot of things and getting the word out is the hardest thing to do... maybe I'm only 1 person, but I've certainly got a big mouth.
On the cycle front... will know more maybe tomorrow... maybe the next day depends on if I get my fear under control.
I know for me I tend to rely on my faith, on the love of my husband, on the love of my dogs... others use alcohol, or drugs. Other's use lawsuits... What's right? I have no idea.
With all the upheaval and stress in hubs and my lives he bought a book... actually 2 out of the 3 part series... It's about child abuse. Now as a couple that works in health care and also in law enforcment and has fertility issues... I'm not so sure this was a good idea, but he read it. Then he told me about it.
I read the first book last night. I wanted to just sit and bawl at the atrocities that a human being would do. The book is a true story. A story of survival. "A child called It" by David Pelzer. I feel that I have to make my in laws read this so that they understand why we're so upset and up in arms about any form of child abuse. Severity doesn't matter.
A wise nurse I work with once said... it's better to educate and inform than to bitch and complain. So... I'm using that philosophy in my personal life and we're going to attempt to educate and inform them not only on child abuse but maybe even about the fertility crap. I don't know if this is a futile thing or if it's even stupid to do. However I've spent enough time bitching about it... it's time for action.
I've also decided that I want to switch up our donations we do to charitable organizations... I'm still in the beginning stages, but I know there's going to be some child advocacy organizations as well as child abuse prevention organizations... Education can be the key for a lot of things and getting the word out is the hardest thing to do... maybe I'm only 1 person, but I've certainly got a big mouth.
On the cycle front... will know more maybe tomorrow... maybe the next day depends on if I get my fear under control.
Dogs - what ya gonna do?
Ernie escaped...
He had the audacity to escape from his kennel while we were at the dentist's office. Since his kennel is in the basement... which has not yet been organized. I know I know I've lived here for a year, but come on with all the driving I do back and forth there just hasn't been any time, motivation, ambition, etc to do it. He proceeded to devour a box of weight watcher lemon creme 1 pt cakes (the cakes, the wrappers, the box), a box, some plastic, etc etc...
We found out exactly how much crap he ate approx 5 hours later... it wasn't pretty. However he also didn't tell us that he ate chocolate. Dove milk chocolate hearts with pretty pink and hot pink wrappers. I can't eat dove chocolate now... THANKS ERNIE... my diet thanks you... I however am not so thrilled.
After the initial panic we thought we'd have to take him to the vet to have his stomach pumped etc. However for the milk chocolate to be toxic to a dog Ernie's size he'd need to eat about 80 lbs of it... I may like chocolate but he only ate half a bag... so we were good. Poor dog felt miserable for a day or two... I thought it was justice for the fact I had to clean the carpets. Okay so hubby did it, but still I bought the carpet cleaner right?
He had the audacity to escape from his kennel while we were at the dentist's office. Since his kennel is in the basement... which has not yet been organized. I know I know I've lived here for a year, but come on with all the driving I do back and forth there just hasn't been any time, motivation, ambition, etc to do it. He proceeded to devour a box of weight watcher lemon creme 1 pt cakes (the cakes, the wrappers, the box), a box, some plastic, etc etc...
We found out exactly how much crap he ate approx 5 hours later... it wasn't pretty. However he also didn't tell us that he ate chocolate. Dove milk chocolate hearts with pretty pink and hot pink wrappers. I can't eat dove chocolate now... THANKS ERNIE... my diet thanks you... I however am not so thrilled.
After the initial panic we thought we'd have to take him to the vet to have his stomach pumped etc. However for the milk chocolate to be toxic to a dog Ernie's size he'd need to eat about 80 lbs of it... I may like chocolate but he only ate half a bag... so we were good. Poor dog felt miserable for a day or two... I thought it was justice for the fact I had to clean the carpets. Okay so hubby did it, but still I bought the carpet cleaner right?
Sunday, March 12, 2006
One and One is Two
In a few short weeks we'll be at a milestone... today however we're at another milestone as well.
Both of these anniversaries are bittersweet. One means that we've been on a journey for a year... two means someone has been gone from our lives for two years.
I can deal with the first one... but I haven't quite wrapped my fingers around the second one... the first is in 2 weeks and we'll have been ttc for a year. I will know before then if this cycle was successful or a bust. The second more painful one... is the anniversary of my father's death...
My dad was 65 years old - just 38 days shy of his 66th birthday. My dad had survived cancer and a stroke only to be felled by a combination of things... the flu and diabetes.
I need to tell you guys about my dad... My Dad truly helped to shape the person that I am. He even helped to shape D a bit... So here's some info on my Dad that you may not know.
My dad was 40 when I was born... on his second marriage... and all he wanted if you asked him was "a healthy baby" and anytime you asked him (which I did at least a few times) he would get this big grin on his face when he said it... he wasn't faking that happiness. He was so happy to have a baby that as long as it was healthy nothing else mattered. Let me also give a clarification... my Dad's first marriage resulted in a child... however my Dad was not the father... he married his first wife when she was 7 months pregnant... and his name is on the birth certificate... he NEVER treated my sibling as anything but HIS. I didn't find this out until I was probably 17... (I was a little slow on the uptake... my dad had brown hair, brown eyes, - my sibling blond hair, blue eyes... a height difference as well...) Anyways... biology didn't matter to my dad... and he did not treat me any differently than he did the other kids... we just were closer than the other kids... primarily because while I was growing up my Dad worked closer to home... more time to spend with me etc...
My Dad never allowed my sex to be an issue... a girl can do anything, be anything and do not let anyone tell you differently. He truly believed that nothing in this world but myself would stop me from achieving whatever goal I had my mind set on...
My dad was also the one who took me to the ER when I had to have stitches on the day of his mom's funeral because I was showing everyone how "grandma died" (She fell out of a chair... (I ended up with stitches in my forehead due to that one.) Over the years he'd take me for blood draws, doctor's appts, ER visits, etc. And always his calm presence helped. He never let on that he was scared or worried... just that things were going to be alright. He did this with himself... when he was diagnosed with cancer I was 11 years old... and I remember going to the hospital and him telling me to get my homework done and that all would be okay. I believed him and it was.
My dad held me to a higher standard than my brothers and sister. I was the one who brought home A's... not C's... and if it was a B+ or A- why wasn't it an A... he expected that of me. It wasn't always easy, and I didn't always thank him for that but ultimately I think it made me a better person for it.
He loved watching me play softball... and he'd stand behind home plate while I was catching yelling out "you need your glove higher", "your crouched too low", or when I was hitting "Why are you swinging at those that was a high ball!" The umpires would make comments to me when they realized that was my dad back there yelling at me... My dad was able to umpire one of my games... and he called me out at home... Can you believe it... I was safe too... and he called me out! He did not want to be thought of as playing favorites.
When I was 16 I was involved in a pretty awful car accident... it left me in intensive care for about 2 weeks and the hospital for a total of 3 weeks... My dad when he got to the hospital kept it together... he never let on that they had been told that the next 24 hours were critical... that depending on what my liver and kidney's did things could get dicey. He just came in and said "we'll get through this and I'll be here every step of the way." He was... he came after work once I got out of ICU and when I was in ICU he didn't go home until I became less critical... because home was an hour away and that was just too far for him.
When I started driving Dad had such faith in me that he'd ride in the back while a friend rode in front... and every so often he would say "SLOW DOWN" (not yelling it just a quiet deep voice) This same friend and I were called "floozies" on more than one occasion due to our attire and makeup.
My dad also had faith... and he shared that faith with D... D wasn't raised with Christianity being a large presence in his life... I on the other hand was... and my faith while I'm not open about is something that is always present and something I feel is important in our marriage... D was willing to "go through the motions" and "take the classes" but my dad made a point of talking about faith and what it meant to him... and slowly D started to go to church on Wednesday nights... The week prior to my dad's death we had all gone to church and for some odd reason the minister wanted each family to introduce themselves... My dad stood up proud as a peacock (he was only 5'5") and introduced my mom, myself, and then introduced D as his son. D was honored... and when I say honored... he truly knew that my dad approved.
My Dad knew before anyone else about D... he knew I thought that D was the ONE... and the first meeting D had I had invited him to spend the night at my parents house... my parents were fine with that... (I'm an adult) D was terrified that he would wake up with a shotgun in his face... well that wasn't my Dad's style... and the gun cabinet was in the room we were sleeping in... However when my Dad died... D found out the truth... my Dad had a whole collection of guns and ammunition under his bed... and if he had wanted to shoot him he could have... D was thankful he liked him from the beginning.
My dad was my closest confidant... we didn't keep secrets... he was my staunchest supporter, my biggest advocate... he was beside me every step of the way... and the day he died... a large hole was left where he used to be. I don't cry for the things that I regret... I cry for the things I wish we had had the chance to do which fortunately are few... such as being walked down the aisle... and him being there when I have my first child... I cry now because it's not the way I wanted it to be... but even in death my dad gave me a sign.
Remember how I mentioned that whole speeding issue I have... well on my way to the hospital on the day my dad died... I got pulled over... and I got a ticket (yes I deserved it) Well the freak that I am when I got to the hospital I asked what the time of death was... (it's a nurse thing okay?) I can't help it curiousity was there... It took me hearing the number and actually seeing the number and pulling out the ticket and showing it to the nurses... The time of death and the time of the ticket were the same. I think I freaked the nurse's out a bit... I know it freaked D out a bit... to me it brought comfort... and while it could be a coincidence... I choose to look at it as a sign from above... my dad reminding me he's watching... and so is God... and to SLOW DOWN! So... that's my dad... in a nutshell... he was a dirty ditch digger, a jack of all trades, a handyman, an engineer, a truck driver, a hard working never not had a job kind of guy who could play barbies with the best of them and color like a mad man... he was simply put my dad and no matter how many years have passed... I still miss him and cherish the memories.
In closing... a line from Father and Daughter by Paul Simon... I wanted to dance with my dad to this song... because I truly felt it showed how we felt about one another... even singing the song in my head I feel closer to him... so...
As long as one and one is two... there could never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you...
Both of these anniversaries are bittersweet. One means that we've been on a journey for a year... two means someone has been gone from our lives for two years.
I can deal with the first one... but I haven't quite wrapped my fingers around the second one... the first is in 2 weeks and we'll have been ttc for a year. I will know before then if this cycle was successful or a bust. The second more painful one... is the anniversary of my father's death...
My dad was 65 years old - just 38 days shy of his 66th birthday. My dad had survived cancer and a stroke only to be felled by a combination of things... the flu and diabetes.
I need to tell you guys about my dad... My Dad truly helped to shape the person that I am. He even helped to shape D a bit... So here's some info on my Dad that you may not know.
My dad was 40 when I was born... on his second marriage... and all he wanted if you asked him was "a healthy baby" and anytime you asked him (which I did at least a few times) he would get this big grin on his face when he said it... he wasn't faking that happiness. He was so happy to have a baby that as long as it was healthy nothing else mattered. Let me also give a clarification... my Dad's first marriage resulted in a child... however my Dad was not the father... he married his first wife when she was 7 months pregnant... and his name is on the birth certificate... he NEVER treated my sibling as anything but HIS. I didn't find this out until I was probably 17... (I was a little slow on the uptake... my dad had brown hair, brown eyes, - my sibling blond hair, blue eyes... a height difference as well...) Anyways... biology didn't matter to my dad... and he did not treat me any differently than he did the other kids... we just were closer than the other kids... primarily because while I was growing up my Dad worked closer to home... more time to spend with me etc...
My Dad never allowed my sex to be an issue... a girl can do anything, be anything and do not let anyone tell you differently. He truly believed that nothing in this world but myself would stop me from achieving whatever goal I had my mind set on...
My dad was also the one who took me to the ER when I had to have stitches on the day of his mom's funeral because I was showing everyone how "grandma died" (She fell out of a chair... (I ended up with stitches in my forehead due to that one.) Over the years he'd take me for blood draws, doctor's appts, ER visits, etc. And always his calm presence helped. He never let on that he was scared or worried... just that things were going to be alright. He did this with himself... when he was diagnosed with cancer I was 11 years old... and I remember going to the hospital and him telling me to get my homework done and that all would be okay. I believed him and it was.
My dad held me to a higher standard than my brothers and sister. I was the one who brought home A's... not C's... and if it was a B+ or A- why wasn't it an A... he expected that of me. It wasn't always easy, and I didn't always thank him for that but ultimately I think it made me a better person for it.
He loved watching me play softball... and he'd stand behind home plate while I was catching yelling out "you need your glove higher", "your crouched too low", or when I was hitting "Why are you swinging at those that was a high ball!" The umpires would make comments to me when they realized that was my dad back there yelling at me... My dad was able to umpire one of my games... and he called me out at home... Can you believe it... I was safe too... and he called me out! He did not want to be thought of as playing favorites.
When I was 16 I was involved in a pretty awful car accident... it left me in intensive care for about 2 weeks and the hospital for a total of 3 weeks... My dad when he got to the hospital kept it together... he never let on that they had been told that the next 24 hours were critical... that depending on what my liver and kidney's did things could get dicey. He just came in and said "we'll get through this and I'll be here every step of the way." He was... he came after work once I got out of ICU and when I was in ICU he didn't go home until I became less critical... because home was an hour away and that was just too far for him.
When I started driving Dad had such faith in me that he'd ride in the back while a friend rode in front... and every so often he would say "SLOW DOWN" (not yelling it just a quiet deep voice) This same friend and I were called "floozies" on more than one occasion due to our attire and makeup.
My dad also had faith... and he shared that faith with D... D wasn't raised with Christianity being a large presence in his life... I on the other hand was... and my faith while I'm not open about is something that is always present and something I feel is important in our marriage... D was willing to "go through the motions" and "take the classes" but my dad made a point of talking about faith and what it meant to him... and slowly D started to go to church on Wednesday nights... The week prior to my dad's death we had all gone to church and for some odd reason the minister wanted each family to introduce themselves... My dad stood up proud as a peacock (he was only 5'5") and introduced my mom, myself, and then introduced D as his son. D was honored... and when I say honored... he truly knew that my dad approved.
My Dad knew before anyone else about D... he knew I thought that D was the ONE... and the first meeting D had I had invited him to spend the night at my parents house... my parents were fine with that... (I'm an adult) D was terrified that he would wake up with a shotgun in his face... well that wasn't my Dad's style... and the gun cabinet was in the room we were sleeping in... However when my Dad died... D found out the truth... my Dad had a whole collection of guns and ammunition under his bed... and if he had wanted to shoot him he could have... D was thankful he liked him from the beginning.
My dad was my closest confidant... we didn't keep secrets... he was my staunchest supporter, my biggest advocate... he was beside me every step of the way... and the day he died... a large hole was left where he used to be. I don't cry for the things that I regret... I cry for the things I wish we had had the chance to do which fortunately are few... such as being walked down the aisle... and him being there when I have my first child... I cry now because it's not the way I wanted it to be... but even in death my dad gave me a sign.
Remember how I mentioned that whole speeding issue I have... well on my way to the hospital on the day my dad died... I got pulled over... and I got a ticket (yes I deserved it) Well the freak that I am when I got to the hospital I asked what the time of death was... (it's a nurse thing okay?) I can't help it curiousity was there... It took me hearing the number and actually seeing the number and pulling out the ticket and showing it to the nurses... The time of death and the time of the ticket were the same. I think I freaked the nurse's out a bit... I know it freaked D out a bit... to me it brought comfort... and while it could be a coincidence... I choose to look at it as a sign from above... my dad reminding me he's watching... and so is God... and to SLOW DOWN! So... that's my dad... in a nutshell... he was a dirty ditch digger, a jack of all trades, a handyman, an engineer, a truck driver, a hard working never not had a job kind of guy who could play barbies with the best of them and color like a mad man... he was simply put my dad and no matter how many years have passed... I still miss him and cherish the memories.
In closing... a line from Father and Daughter by Paul Simon... I wanted to dance with my dad to this song... because I truly felt it showed how we felt about one another... even singing the song in my head I feel closer to him... so...
As long as one and one is two... there could never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Favorite Daughter or Daughter In Law of the Year Award... and other Random Thoughts
Have I mentioned the scrapbooks from hell? The scrapbooks from hell are two 7 x 7 scrapbooks I decided to attempt of our wedding (which was in 2004) for my mom and mil. Yes... she who has never scrapped before decided this was a good idea.
Did I mention I procrastinate. Which is why I only purchased the pictures a few months ago. So... a few weeks ago I went for a weekday scrap get away. It was WONDERFUL... granted these women are way way way out of my league, but they were helpful and they gave me ideas and it's something I enjoyed. It fueled my energy to learn and create and to just get this project done.
So... I almost have both scrapbooks done... which is why I'm hoping when the votes come in I'll win the daughter or daughter in law of the year award.
The only pages that are missing are of the three mongrels... and a family picture of us with the dogs. I think that's pretty good. In my mil's book there is a page that has my in laws kissing - mind you my fil/mil are not very affectionate so it's kind of a once in a lifetime picture... on the opposite page is a pic of D and I kissing... and both pages say kissable! My mom's album has a picture of her and my dad in the book. The two of them were dancing at my sister's wedding and they looked so happy and so in love and on the opposite page is a picture of hubs and I dancing looking very much in love. I think it will make her happy and probably cry... in a good way.
Actually I know it will. My husband saw the page and the words I had put on it and he hugged me and said "That's beautiful."
We talked on our way to his parents house as well as on our way home. We talked about his parents... about my parents... about my mom... about us... about when to do a beta... etc etc... It was good. It was productive but not that productive. We didn't make any decisions in regards to what day to do a beta etc...
On an odd note... Anyone watch the TLC program Little People, Big Dreams? I'm hooked... I like Matt and Amy and Zach and all the kids... it definitely gives me something other than soap network to watch in the middle of the night when I'm not working.
Did I mention I procrastinate. Which is why I only purchased the pictures a few months ago. So... a few weeks ago I went for a weekday scrap get away. It was WONDERFUL... granted these women are way way way out of my league, but they were helpful and they gave me ideas and it's something I enjoyed. It fueled my energy to learn and create and to just get this project done.
So... I almost have both scrapbooks done... which is why I'm hoping when the votes come in I'll win the daughter or daughter in law of the year award.
The only pages that are missing are of the three mongrels... and a family picture of us with the dogs. I think that's pretty good. In my mil's book there is a page that has my in laws kissing - mind you my fil/mil are not very affectionate so it's kind of a once in a lifetime picture... on the opposite page is a pic of D and I kissing... and both pages say kissable! My mom's album has a picture of her and my dad in the book. The two of them were dancing at my sister's wedding and they looked so happy and so in love and on the opposite page is a picture of hubs and I dancing looking very much in love. I think it will make her happy and probably cry... in a good way.
Actually I know it will. My husband saw the page and the words I had put on it and he hugged me and said "That's beautiful."
We talked on our way to his parents house as well as on our way home. We talked about his parents... about my parents... about my mom... about us... about when to do a beta... etc etc... It was good. It was productive but not that productive. We didn't make any decisions in regards to what day to do a beta etc...
On an odd note... Anyone watch the TLC program Little People, Big Dreams? I'm hooked... I like Matt and Amy and Zach and all the kids... it definitely gives me something other than soap network to watch in the middle of the night when I'm not working.
So... Now we wait...
Trigger was done on Tuesday... looks like we O'd either Wednesday or Thursday.
Now... we wait.
Wait for what? I don't know...
What does a girl with hcg circulating in her system do for 2 weeks- certainly not pee on hpt's right? WRONG - I've got 50 of those buggers why not. Granted seeing them get fainter is slightly depressing... but hopefully I'll see them get darker as well. The doctor's office nicely told me that I could get a blood draw on Friday. I think that's great THEY want to know on Friday... I'm not so sure I want to know on Friday... doesn't that sound crappy. A part of me wants to know immediately... the other part of me wants to hibernate and not learn while I'm working. Namely this falls during a time period when I'm going to be at work... talk about sucking eggs... I think I'd rather find out on Wednesday when I've just finished my stretch and my husband is going to be there to deal with the fallout...
One of my close friends has thought of me as Suzy Sunshine... Ms Optimism... Pollyanna... etc etc... I don't feel like that girl right now. I don't feel like this worked... I know we'll do another cycle of injectables if this doesn't... and I can at the very least cling to that knowledge... but I wish I had that strong feeling that things would all work out... and I can't quite get that thought to take hold. So... I'll pray... and I'll pray... and I'll hope... and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this two week wait will end positively. And if not... that I'll have the courage and the faith to keep going on.
Now... we wait.
Wait for what? I don't know...
What does a girl with hcg circulating in her system do for 2 weeks- certainly not pee on hpt's right? WRONG - I've got 50 of those buggers why not. Granted seeing them get fainter is slightly depressing... but hopefully I'll see them get darker as well. The doctor's office nicely told me that I could get a blood draw on Friday. I think that's great THEY want to know on Friday... I'm not so sure I want to know on Friday... doesn't that sound crappy. A part of me wants to know immediately... the other part of me wants to hibernate and not learn while I'm working. Namely this falls during a time period when I'm going to be at work... talk about sucking eggs... I think I'd rather find out on Wednesday when I've just finished my stretch and my husband is going to be there to deal with the fallout...
One of my close friends has thought of me as Suzy Sunshine... Ms Optimism... Pollyanna... etc etc... I don't feel like that girl right now. I don't feel like this worked... I know we'll do another cycle of injectables if this doesn't... and I can at the very least cling to that knowledge... but I wish I had that strong feeling that things would all work out... and I can't quite get that thought to take hold. So... I'll pray... and I'll pray... and I'll hope... and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this two week wait will end positively. And if not... that I'll have the courage and the faith to keep going on.
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