Thursday, June 15, 2006

Seven is definitely NOT my lucky number...

All the wishes, hopes, promises of pony's couldn't make that sac grow... the ultrasound it wasn't good. It showed the sac and the yolk sac - about the same size as it was last week. The doctor initially said - well we thought you ovulated later right? I looked at him, and said NO... YOU thought I ovulated later. I was pretty certain of my dates. He shrugged and said "I guess I was beinig optimistic." I said yeah... and we thank you for that.

I almost asked him if I could drive his sports car... I figured if you're giving me shitty news the day before my birthday then I at least deserve to drive your sports car. I didn't ask. Maybe next week when I'm hopped up on valium I will.

So what's the plan you may ask... well I had two choices.. I could stop the progesterone and let nature take it's course - "expectant management" Yeah uhmm NO... since my body has bled for 3 weeks before with hcg levels continuing to go up not choosing that as my option just in case. Number 2 - in office d/c. We chose the in office d/c... which apparently is not as plush as the hospital d/c, but is quicker, and they still give good drugs. I signed up for the good drugs. That'll happen next Friday at approximately 1 pm.

There are a couple of other reasons why I'm postponing this... First tomorrow is my birthday. I would have done it tomorrow, but that wasn't possible. The second reason is that I'm supposed to work the last 4 nights on my old unit and somewhere in there is a going away party for Sami... I've spent 4+ years with these men and women and while they may piss me off, I don't want to leave by saying... yeah uhmm I need to go have a miscarriage - carry on without me. The third reason is that D has a physical on Tuesday for his new job as well as the psych interview on Thursday... I'd really like to not send him into either of those with anxiety issues or emotional baggage... though I fear I already am. So... we'll continue taking the progesterone... if bleeding were to start we'd stop and see what happens... however knowing my body - wouldn't care... bleeding means nothing.

So... do you guys want to hear my good news????

Yes in spite of the bad news today we did get some good news...

1. Pay cut will actually not be as large as we feared. Our dogs will not need to eat poor boy dog food, but can continue in the lap of luxury with the premium stuff we've been feeding him. D will not need to get a second job to make up the difference.
2. Health Insurance - appears to be the same as what we have currently through D's employer... which ROCKS... is WAY WAY WAY better than mine... so when this is all resolved we can start up another cycle of injectables without fear of landing our asses in the poor house.

Yes - we'll be resting a cycle then continuing on... I've come to some conclusions which may shock all of you because - well I think I've demonstrated myself to be quite the control freak...

When our next cycle occurs... I'll not be peeing on anything. No sticks. I'll schedule a beta and NOT have the results faxed to me. All I want to know - good or bad... no need to know numbers because well hell - numbers don't mean squat for me so we don't need to know about them. I'm going to trust my doctor's judgement and we may consider switching from the prometrium up the hoha to PIO... not sure about this one - briefly talked about it and all parties involved - (me, D, and doctor) are on the fence about it. We've got time... at least a month if not more.

So that's what's up in the 3 dog house... I hope your day was much more pleasant. I've already made plans for next year on this day that do not involve u/s, pregnancy tests, or anything remotely maternity related... I'm just saying.

Yes - this was our fault... apparently it was mostly mine because I didn't like the brand of condoms that were bought... that'll teach me. Lesson learned.

Stay tuned... birthday tales for tomorrow! Also - I'm doing fine... really. I grieved mostly last week about this because I knew. A week behind what I was 99% sure of... that's not good.


DinosaurD said...

Hi Sami
I am sorry, I have to confess that I was still hopeful for you. I totally understand about skipping the expectant management - you know that I can also go for weeks without any viable embryo and lord that is difficult.
I am happy for you guys that you will actually live together (and not even in sin) and that the pay and benefits are okay.
I am a little worried about you even though you say you are okay (I mean what choice do you have, right?)
Anyway, I am sorry that this all happened the day before your birthday and it's nobodies fault (regardless of previous mention of condoms). The recurrent miscarriage clinic told me to "keep trying" - I think I'll leave that to you as you are younger. Sooner or later one of these has to stick, right? Whenever that happens, I'll let you know what I did tonight.

Kath said...

Dear Sami, I'm so sorry about this. So very sorry.

And you are such an incredibly kind person for being so supportive with your timing of the D&C. But please do think about yourself a little too, take care of yourself. You need some good TLC and healing now.

I wish I could say "Happy Birthday" and have any expectation of it turning out like that, but what I can give you is my fondest hope that your birthday marks the beginning of the Year in Which Everything, Everything Turns Out.

Much love you, my dear.

Lorem ipsum said...

God, Sami. I'm so sorry. It goes without saying that it's the suckiest of sucky ways to spend a birthday.

I hope that this birthday brings a new year full of good and happy and living, thriving wonder. (((((hugs)))))

Stephanie said...

Sami-I am so sorry. I was still hoping...can't help it i guess. and on your birthday...ugh. I completely understand not wanting to go the "expectant management" route. I think they shoulf rename it the "sure anxiety" route. You sound OK, but it is still OK to grieve and rail. Be good to yourself.

I too wish you a wonderful year ahead where all your dreams come true.

Allison said...

I have been luriking for a little while and wanted to let you know how sorry I am. I had a miscarriage in February and I can relate. Please know that you guys are in my thoughts.

I do hope you birthday is wonderful!

Penny Farthing said...

I'm so sorry hon. Will they be able to get you any answers why this happened?

Jill said...

Hi, Sami. I'm so sorry about this sad news, this loss.
I'm also sorry that you received the bad news right before your birthday. My heart goes out to you.

I'm thinking of you today and praying for you for comfort and that your upcoming year will be infinitely better and brighter than your past year.

Please take good care of yourself. Hugs.

Mandy said...

You sure it's the 23rd?? ;) J/K. You already know everything that I have to say. I'm sorry, it sucks, but I know you and you'll find a way through it. Probably much better than most of us could.

Cathy said...

Shoot! I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. For what it's worth, I liked the in-office D&C better than the hospital version.

Casilda said...

A belated dose of love for you, and I would like to wish you a happy birthday. I hope things look way up this year!

Thalia said...

Sorry you got this news Sami. I know that last week's scan wasn't good, but it's still hard to have confirmation. I hope the coming week is a good one, despite the D&C looming on the horizon.