Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Welcome Back to Limbo Land... Or is it Deja Vu?

My apologies... I meant to post as soon as I got home.

However fatigue from being up for 24 hours straight had set in. I couldn't come up with a coherent thought let alone what to say.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Good news it is... It's in the uterus! Yeah at least we can land something in my cheap motel mattress of a uterus. This was a phew wipe your forehead moment.

The bad news: By my calculations I should be 6 weeks 3 days... you should see a heartbeat with that kind of dating...

By the ultrasounds calculations I'm 5 weeks 4-6 days. we didn't see a heartbeat. So that means we go back next week... and hope that there's a heartbeat. That my calculations were "off".

The part that sucks about all this is the u/s is scheduled for the day before my birthday. My birthday is Friday. Last year on the day before my birthday I was having a d/c and waking up to surprise it's ectopic. If the "not negative" has gone tits up then I could in theory be having a d/c on my birthday. This would make for 2 birthdays in a row of suckage. I hope that's not the case, but either way we'll deal with it. We're hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

So sorry no party hats at this time... no celebrations. Some relief that the ticking time bomb so to speak is not going to blow up in my fallopian tube, but we shall see what next week brings.

We are doing okay. I say this because it's the truth. D and I are great communicators. He fortunately gets this though everytime he hears me say something remotely negative he goes "Shhhh it might hear you and have it's feelings hurt." If you can imagine me shaking my head you'd be right. I told D "I promised it a pony if it would ignore any negative comments that came out of my mouth." His eyes got wide "A Pony????" I then added... I may have neglected to tell it that "the pony in question is actually a dog named Ernie!" He started laughing LOUD in the restaraunt that we were in... and almost spit out his lemonade.

Now on to the funny things that happened today... My RE almost walked in with me standing there in my top and nothing else. I say almost because I had the sheet in my hand, pants off, and I don't know that I've ever moved that quickly to have my ass on a table properly covered. D laughed... a LOT...

While the RE was manning the dildo cam... and once he found what he was looking for. I asked - "Could that be a pseudosac?" He looked at me... and goes "Someone has been reading too much." I laughed, D laughed, and I then decided to do my snappy comeback of... "You would to if you'd had an ectopic." So then he pointed out the reasons why he didn't THINK it was an ectopic, but an implantation in the uterus. I thought thank you for teaching - I like to learn. And his response made sense which is good.

We like our RE a LOT... any doctor that can get us to laugh is a miracle. We feel comfortable with him and I know that no matter what next week brings we'll be fine and he'll have a plan for us either way whether it's good news or bad news. The only thing that will change for us if this does go badly is that D and I will NEVER again have unprotected sex in the month of May. If we spend 2 years in a row having bad things happen... unprotected sex will be pushed to the backburner in that specific month. D laughed when I said that then goes - no that sounds like a good idea if this does go badly.

Now... I'm going to go get some more sleep... This stretch of work has left me almost... emotionally bankrupt. While if this "not negative" does end it will hurt, and it would be unfair, but it's not as unfair or as bad as the tragedies that I seen this weekend... and for that I am thankful. No matter what happens with this "not negative" We (meaning D, me, and the "not negative" have made it farther than we ever have... and I don't have to have a battery acid shot to the ass... and both of those things are "good" things.

Don't you just love perspective. Last year if I was living in limboland I don't think I would have thought of things like this, but this year... has helped to teach me that there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do... so we're going to be thankful for the little things and hope for the best, but anticipate the worst. I feel better having a plan. Because really limboland is no fun... and we'll be here live and in concert at least for a week.


Thalia said...

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, after all you've been through. Hoping the next week isn't too awful.

Penny Farthing said...

I'm hoping everything is going to turn out just fine hon. And they say that measurements on very early u/s aren't very accurate anyhow.

DinosaurD said...

Oh Sami - I am really, really trying hard not to get excited for you (the not a negatives and all that) but you know, the dates are not that far off. And you are still really early - I wasn't even allowed to get the first ultrasound until seven weeks as they said that at around six weeks, you might well get good news from an ultrasound but there is a lot of limbo to go around at that stage.
So, I will not say anything that could "hurt its feelings" and not say anything to force any hope upon you but I will be checking in on you frequently.
Damnn it, I'm smiling right now - I'll try to keep it in check (at least its not an ectopic and even that is just a little good news isn't it?) Okay, you can go ahead and yell at me.

Marz said...

Gosh, just when you think you can breath easier they throw something else at you.
I'm sure all will be ok & next u/s you'll see a heartbeat.