Saturday, December 09, 2006

For the love of...

Why oh why did I reach out and dial?

I dialed a friend... a male friend - haven't heard from him or his wife in a while and wanted to just say hi... Christmas spirit and all that crap. I left a message... he called back. He used to be my roommate... he used to date one of my best friends. Turns out they're pregnant... due in April. I am happy for them, but why oh why did I have to feel that green eyed monster called jealousy creep out and choke me. I didn't even know what to say... I said the obligatory congratulations and I am happy on some level... I'm just so frustrated right now.

Another friend let me know that one of our former classmates - he was a giant geek is a prof somewhere now and his wife are apparently expecting as well... gee great.

So I'm talking myself away from the chocolate... going to hold some puppies - oh wait I did that already.

Right now all I feel is fear. Fear of a negative. What the hell will we do if it is negative? I know - keep moving forward, but do I push D to have a s/a? (Won't have to push too hard, but is it something I want to know at this point is the real question...) If we do the s/a and it comes back crappy do we just say screw it find the funding somehow to do IVF?

I blame D's job... it has to be that because seriously we've never had an issue getting knocked up it's the staying knocked up that's the problem. So yeah uhmm don't mind me...I'm the girl in the corner clutching a puppy saying - "there there"

Why can't they just sedate you for the two week wait? I'm thinking we'd all be a little bit less well uhmm fried if they did that.

Thank goodness I'm off tonight due to a LCD... got to love those.


Mandy said...

I've been wondering about your "male friend" lately -- figured it was only a matter of time before they were expecting. I'm sorry for the feelings that his news dredged up. Most of us understand those feelings and hate ourselves for feeling them at some point.

If this cycle is a negative you'll do the same you've had to do before -- say a few curse words, shed a few tears, drink some wine and plan for the next cycle. You are the strongest, most tenacious person I know. It stinks that you and D are dealing w/ this but you'll find a way through. I have no doubt about that.

In the meantime, I'll try to find my crystal ball and hope that I win the lotto to help w/ the IVF fund...

Kath said...

Dear Sami, I'm so sorry about those feelings... I know how much they hurt.

How much longer until you find out?

DD said...

Yuck, Sami. Just Yuck.

DinosaurD said...

Thank-you for the first laugh I've had in a while "Why can't they just sedate you for the two week wait?" I'd go for some sedation right now as well.
Hang in there - I wish I could join you with the puppies right now.