2007 in Review

Let me just say - 2007 was so much better than 2006. I mean click here 2006 was definitely a less than stellar year. We had high hopes that 2007 would be much better. Fortunately we were right that it was better. In so many ways...

January 2007
- Chance continued to recover from his wounds
- We proved we can accomplish just about anything by taking a road trip with 6 puppies and 4 adult dogs in 1 car.
- Treatments were stopped yet still did progesterone after ovulation... had a positive pregnancy test at 12 dpo and then of course had bleeding to start pregnancy number 12 off with a bang.
- Beta of 84 then 48 hours later 207 - that's interesting
- Puppy trainers - yeah not really successful, but we spent a whole wad of money on it...
- More bleeding which resulted in an u/s that amazingly showed an intrauterine pregnancy... with appropriate growth

February 2007
- Puppies first snow
- Ernie destroys his kennel
- Ernie gets bit by Megan and ends up with a ear wound that creates quite the bloody mess.
- U/S shows a heartbeat with appropriate growth
- Emmy went to her new home
- Louie went to his new home
- Jodi went to her new home
- We were down to 3 puppies and 4 adult dogs
- Car accident leading to yet another u/s.
- OB's office went into high speed gear while D and I back pedaled...
- Asked the question is this your first pregnancy - no 12th - oh you have 11 kids??? Idiots galore!
- Coming out to people at work
- Continuing good u/s...
- Aunt Alice passes away... leaving behind Uncle Howard


March 2007
- Released from the RE
- Dog visits to the vet continue
- PIO was stopped
- Heartbeat found via doppler
- Passed the nuchal
- Bert becomes Grayson Albert and has a new home with a fellow infertile...

April 2007
- Feel like a fraud about pregnancy still spend the time thinking it's not going to work out.
- get outed at an EMS conference
- nuchal screen shows 1:10,000 risk of trisomies WOOHOO

May 2007
- Puppies get spayed/neutered
- Find out a good friend is having a girl - we are days apart due date wise
- A puppy play date with Gray's new owners was enjoyed by all

June 2007
- for the first year in 3 years nothing bad happened in regards to pregnancy
- had the u/s that told us what the NN was and found out that it was a stinker and would not show off the heart - fortunately a peds cardio guy took a look for me... and all was fine.
- My mom's dog Sadie is put to sleep... and crosses to the Rainbow bridge
- spent some more time at the vet
- got in a nasty argument with my mil... fun fun fun

July 2007
- car ride with 6 dogs
- Baby shower
- Dino D and Jill welcomed their daughters into the world :D
- passed the GD screen
- repeat u/s shows the NN heads up rather than heads down and heart is checked once again all good


August 2007
- rearrange our bedroom for SD to show up
- NN still head up rather than heads down
- Washing machine on the fritz but fixable without having to pay for it YAY!
- fatigue fatigue fatigue
- Surprise my water breaks and Squeak is born via c-section at 35 weeks 5 days

September 2007
- We bring Squeak home - a lazy white boy who doesn't want to eat
- breastfeeding woes
- loving our new son
- settling in as a family
- work friend has her baby girl weighing it at a whopping 9 lbs 3 oz OUCH

October 2007
- Ernie is a jealous pup
- Lola thinks Squeak is hers
- Continuing with the breastfeeding saga

November 2007
- go back to work and it's the same old
- breastfeeding begins to actually work
- Synagis is started for RSV protection
- My mom moves in and becomes the nanny
- friend's baby girl turns 1

December 2007
- breastfeeding is hard work
- pumping at work even harder
- 1st Christmas with Squeak is fabulous even though both D and I have to work
- Chance ends up getting bit by Jodi and requires stitches and a bandage on 12/28 Poor Chance...

In summary - this has been a wonderful year even with some of the downs... I would have rather not closed out the year with Chance requiring another trip to the vet during the holiday season, but apparently he has other ideas. The vet just looked at him yesterday and shook her head and said "Chance you could have just come up for a nail trim you know..." He's okay, the other dogs are all okay... D is okay... Squeak is okay and while I am closing the year out with a cold it is all so much better than last year...

I am thankful...



So very very thankful...

Frustrated and Pictures

I'm not all sunshine and light and right now I probably look and feel more like well a big fat shaggy dog.

Post partum weight it hasn't fallen off like I would like it to. So I'm of course inhaling cookies like an ad*ict. I'm frustrated by Christmas crap - in laws visiting soon... trying to make sure I've bought everyone their gifts and of course wrapped them. Breastfeeding Squeak as often as possible. Paying bills, cleaning the house on my days off and well just trying to stay afloat. I don't know if this is just the downhill slide or if I'm just finally saying hey everything isn't always rosey and bright. It probably doesn't help that I seen a coworker who had a baby about 4 weeks after I had Squeak and she is of course back to her pre baby weight and skinny as a rail. Her baby of course is roly poly and in like the 50th percentile for weight while Squeak is like in the 10th percentile.

I'm happy most of the time. Right now i'm just frustrated. Frustrated because D seems to think that he deserves a flashlight that costs $75 and I of course am the grinch who points out that he has a flashlight and also that we just bought a digital camera. I felt the camera was our Christmas present to each other... he feels he deserves a flashlight. I keep pointing out that we're saving money for a fence and well it goes downhill from there. We don't argue about it - it's more of a nag thing going on here. Have you ordered the flashlight? Me: We'll talk about that later. D: "There's free shipping if you order it before Christmas." Me: How about we put the money for a flashlight towards the fence and call it a happy new year? D: It's 75 bucks. Me: That's $75 closer than we were before.

Sounds like a pleasant time at our house huh? So I don't know what the hell is up - am I just being stubborn and a pita about not buying the damn flashlight or am I being the practical one? He's got a perfectly good flashlight. Yes the new flashlight would be brighter and more energy efficient, but seriously it's a freaking flashlight and how many does one person REALLY need? His coworkers told him that he was whipped because I vetoed a rifle, playstation and X Box 360... I offered to allow D to take over manning the finances and he declined. I figured if he manned the finances then he would see how hard I've tried to save up for the stupid fence especially since we spent 12 weeks with only 70% of my pay... and I managed to still save money and not have to hit our savings until week 12 and not have to hit it that hard. God I hate being practical!

In other news i just purchased a web kinz for my niece. D pointed out that it was kind of like the year P asked for a pink spotted elephant from Santa... that was the only thing she asked for and Aunt Sami came through that year and she's coming through again. A black bear web kinz is on it's way to my niece. Thankfully my nephew is much easier to shop for.

Fortunately Squeak is the one thing that generally does not frustrate or ask for anything other than to be fed and loved. He doesn't require a $75 flashlight either to entertain him. Yes - still a bit bitter about the damn flashlight.

In dog news Ernie is beyond frustrated... he is now unable to open the door to the basement as it has a child lock on it. He can no longer open the baby's room as it now has a knob rather than a lever door knob. He currently is sitting next to me pretending to be a good dog.

Below are pics from his professional photo shoot at 3 months. Isn't he beautiful :) Vent/Whine? whatever over...

So many thoughts...

Running through my head...

Why can't I be independently wealthy and stay at home with my child? Would I lose my mind if I did that... probably.

I managed to survive my 4 day stretch at work. I won't deny that it was hard to leave Squeak at home and even harder to not call in sick just to spend time with him. But I survived. Work was horribly busy and it was nice to see my coworkers, but I would have rather been at home. Figuring out how to pump at work and not have that affect patient care was difficult... and truthfully it's hard to take the time to pump when we're busy. I feel like a slacker by saying - hey my boobs hurt I need to go pump. However I am determined that we will make it at least the next month if not longer... so I must keep on pumping.

My mom did fine as did Squeak. D spied on her through the baby monitor once he got home... I have to laugh at that because she has no idea that he was listening in. Poor grandma. Squeak still hates his crib, but will sleep in his snuggle nest for anywhere from 4-7 hours.

We did his sy*nagis shot last week and he did fine with that. I feel better that he's protected against R S V for sure since I took care of some infants with it and truly do not want Squeak to get it.

Oh more on pumping - I pump on my way into work and on my way home from work so that I can spend more time sleeping or with Squeak - it horrifies D but I don't have another solution so for now with my frequent pumping I'll be doing that.

I'm not ready for the holiday season - yet I am going to be involved in a cookie exchange... this Thursday. I have to bake 9 dozen cookies by then... wish me luck. D is working the next few days and my mom won't be back until Wednesday so I'm on my own with this one. What the hell was I thinking?

So Very Very Thankful...

So many things to say...

I know I've been quiet... I'm struggling to figure out what I want this blog to be. No I'm not thinking of giving up blogging... I'm just trying to figure out what I want this to be about and the bottom line is this blog is just about my life... infertility, pregnancy, motherhood, 6 dogs, marriage, cops, living with your mother... all of these things. Right now my life is fabulous. I'm truly happy and so very in love with Squeak that I swear I'm gushing... Anyway...

So this year Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends... I am so thankful for all of you that have been on this magnificent journey to motherhood with me. I will post pictures soon... Squeak is constantly changing. His giggles and grins crack me up and just bring so much joy to my life that it's hard to explain. I have officially become a sap. I'm okay with that.

So Happy Thanksgiving - enjoy your day with your families. I will spend my day with D, Squeak, the six mongrels and my mom will be here Thursday night. My family will be with me... and I am going to enjoy the day with them.

Hiccups, Hodge Podge & A Recipe!

Hiccups are something that occur frequently in our household. Squeak has a knack for having them show up about a half hour after he eats. I know this can be a sign of reflux, however he does not demonstrate any of the other signs of reflux so it's not a worry - it's just frustrating for him. It's probably more frustrating for D as he feels as if the poor thing is horribly bothered by them. Squeak just generally looks at you and "hiccups".

This weekend we are finally going to go pick up the crib. However of course there have been some hiccups in this plan. Weather is a factor as we do not have a vehicle large enough to carry the crib on the inside. So we will be strapping the crib to the roof of our vehicle and praying that the straps hold because I am too cheap to spend money on having it delivered to our house. We're hopefully going to put the crib up this weekend so that when I do go back to work Squeak has a place to sleep near my mom. She seems to think he's going to be a-okay with the sleeping in the crib. D and I of course think she's nuts, but what do we know and since we won't be home to hear Squeak throwing a hellacious hissy fit well then it'll be all right. D will take over when he gets home from work of course so the first few weeks should be interesting.

My FIL was here for a visit and to bring a freezer from my mom's. Fortunately the freezer survived the trip and my FIL enjoyed his visit with Squeak and not having to share him. I learned a few things. D's dad wishes that D was in a different line of work. I think he also regrets not spending as much time with D as he was growing up. I could just kind of get that sad thought when he talked about time going by so fast. I think regarding the job - D's dad was hopeful I would feel the same way. Unfortunately I don't. D loves his job and while yes being a cop carries a certain degree of danger... I'm aware of it, but I don't lose sleep over it. I'm more likely to bring a bug home from work that could have a major impact on our lives. Which is why I'll be stripping down the minute I hit the door and my scrubs are going to be on the sanitize cycle and washed separately from now on. When it was just me and D it wasn't a big deal... add Squeak in and it's a big deal. I'd hate for him to pick up something that I brought home.

My in laws and my mom will be coming up next week. My mom on Tueday night and then my in laws on Friday. We're celebrating Thanksgiving early as D's parents are spending it with his mother's family. (Don't even get me started about that... they could spend time with us, but it's his mother's family and unfortunately they tend to always get put first.)

In bigger news - alcohol and breast feeding... I'm of the opinion it's fine unless you get truly loaded. Everything in moderation and the timing. So enjoy if you are breast feeding. If you're not - enjoy it's still yummy!

PUDDING SHOTS

1 package of pudding mix (I'd go with sugar free white chocolate, but chocolate or vanilla is fine as well and can be sugar or no sugar)
1 cup milk
1/2 cup kahlua
1/2 cup Bailey's Irish Creme
1 tub (8 oz) cool whip (you can use fat free or light)
Some small plastic shot containers or just put it in a tub and make the shots up as you go along.

Mix the pudding and milk together, then add the kahlua and bailey's once incorporated mix the cool whip in. Place either in small plastic containers or in a large container and then place in the freezer.

Drizzle caramel or chocolate on top as you serve if desired. Otherwise just enjoy.

I thought if you didn't like Kahlua you could use buttershots (butterscotch schnapps) instead. Either way it's truly yummy. You could even consider it dessert.

Not What He Expected...

A few weeks ago D, Squeak and myself were lying in bed and I was staring at Squeak in amazement that he was even here. I asked D "Did you think it would be like this?" His response was "No, I thought it would be awful and this is so much better than I thought it would be." I had to laugh at this because D wanted to have a child as much as I did and he never once let on that he thought it would be awful.

D is an amazing dad - though I am sure I am a bit biased. He's up to speed on how to clean all my pumping crap, feeding Squeak, cloth diapering, swaddling, bathing, etc. He does get a bit amazed or overwhelmed when he is confronted with a massive poop, but he's tackled it by "hosing" the wee one off as in his words "this is more than a 2 wipe job". He gets up with Squeak even when he's working. Ultimately I'm very lucky and I know this - I know it even more so on the days when D is at work. I'm a firm believer in parenting 50/50 and D is as well. Right now I do end up with more of the workload, but D does his fair share on the days he is off which makes my life simpler and a bit less stressful all around.

One of my close friends had a baby girl about 4 weeks after Squeak was born. Her little girl was born weighing in at 9 lbs 3 oz - so not a petite little peanut. When talking with her she has described her child in terms that are less than flattering. Colic has been mentioned. Crying, gassy, fussy, etc etc. I feel awful when she asks how Squeak is doing and I say "great, he's a mellow fellow." She laughs and asks what my secret is. Truthfully I have been fortunate to not have to employ a whole lot of tricks. It could also be we are used to getting up at least every 3 hours due to the puppies who for some odd reason started getting up every 3 hours at the beginning of June if we are home. D and I were given a DVD of the Happiest Baby on the Block and we finally watched it. I promptly put the DVD in the mail to my friend as I figured she really could use the help. She called me two days after receiving the DVD in the mail and said "I love you - She slept for 10 hours straight it was wonderful." I think she would have said the same thing to D if he had answered the phone. We do swaddle Squeak on occasion but for the most part he's left foot loose and fancy free. D when he heard how our friend's little girl was acting said "that's what I thought it would be like."

In other news - I have a new recipe called "pudding shots" that my mil made... yes booze is involved. Let me know if you want me to post it. Since I know most of us enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage and I'm pretty sure most of us enjoy dessert - this is a great combo of the two.

Two Months

Squeak is 2 months old... where has the time gone?

Friday found us at the pediatrician's office for his two month check up. He weighed in at 9 lbs 8 oz and 21 3/4 inches long. A little above the 10th percentile in both height and weight. The doctor was pleased with both of these numbers and basically said carry on. Squeak did get 4 shots that day including his R S V vaccine... which is a life saver, but is also a pricey shot. We had to fight quite a bit with D's 3rd party payor to get this particular bill taken care of. It was a huge pain in the *ss. He qualifies because of being born a tad undercooked and my job which is basically where all those little kids with R S V will go and sneeze and snot all over me. Can we all see I am so looking forward to going back to work? Why can't I be independently wealthy?

Friday also found D's parents coming to our house. It also became a day where I decided Squeak was going to breastfeed by golly. The boob came out at the ped's office and I was able to soothe the very upset little man at that time and somehow we managed to get through 2 days of breastfeeding. We did pump quite a bit the second day. I think I'm going to go back to the lactation consultants just to find out how much he takes in and talk with them about pumping vs breastfeeding exclusively etc. When you're used to the pump it's hard to transition back to breastfeeding or at least I am finding it to be difficult.

Squeak was a bit cranky after the 4 shots, but truthfully not awful. He's such a pleasant little guy that you notice when he's a crank. I felt bad for D's parents because the only people Squeak wanted was D or preferably me. They didn't get to see his frequent smiles, his new little giggle because if he was awake he was either really quiet or cranky. Saturday was a bit better fortunately, but he wasn't completely back to his normal self until Sunday.

I think my in laws enjoyed themselves... I know they enjoyed seeing Squeak. Though for some reason my FIL is very bowel obsessed. Squeak is quite the farter so D's dad spent a lot of his time saying "Are you filling your pants?" Where D or I would say - believe me if he's going number 2 we will all know it so no he's not and he's just passing some gas. It became a bit annoying.

My in laws are a bit passive aggressive at times so it's hard to not get frustrated with them - D's dad spent most of the weekend trying to tell me that we should buy a portion of a pig that is butchered to save money and a portion of a cow... (don't eat beef, and really do not eat that much pork)... my mil made up for that passive aggressiveness by bringing pudding shots... Let me just say they are wonderful... kahlua and baileys are just yummy add pudding and whip cream and put them in the freezer well it is a thing of beauty and I plan on making some soon because they would be nice to have on hand for well whenever you feel the urge to have something that feels decadent and is delicious and heck use fat free pudding and fat free cool whip and it would not be that bad for you right?

My mother is now officially retired. She is actually laid off and will start with her real retirement in March. She is thrilled at becoming Squeak's nanny. He's a night owl so I'm not sure she'll be as thrilled once she gets here. It should be interesting for all of us. On the bright side - D is looking forward to apple pie and home cooked meals as my mom is a fabulous cook and while I can cook - desserts are more my thing.

Ultimately 2 months... it truly does not seem like it's been that long. He's a beautiful, amazing, little boy who brings me joy on a daily basis. I'm still amazed and find myself pinching myself frequently because it feels as if it is a dream. How could I be so lucky? D feels the same way...

All is Well

All is well in the 6 canine and a baby household... Or at least it's as good as it can be with 6 dogs and a baby in it.

Today I had my post partum visit to my doctor... and let me just say someone seriously needed to check me over before leaving the house. If they had I would have noticed that my t-shirt that I wore clearly defined my breast pads that were in my nursing bra. If I had known that I would have worn a different shirt. I was horrified when I walked into the room and there was a mirror and voila I see my nursing pads horribly defined.

Anyway that was the highlight of my day... or lowlight depending on how you look at it. In talking with my doctor rehashing the pregnancy and actually rehashing the conclusion I had to ask the question... "Since my water broke prematurely this time does that mean that I would be at risk for that to happen again." Now normally my doctor is very hopeful, optimistic - almost too optimistic. He looked at me and he said "yes". He then went on to say that they don't know why PROM occurs and have no way to prevent it, but they would be on the look out for it to happen a second time if we choose to have a second child - blah blah blah blah. I'm a planner by nature and while I am completely on the fence right now about having a second child as I love and adore the first child, but cannot begin to even think about having a second one when I am only barely staying above water with the first I had to ask the question. I wouldn't have been me if I hadn't asked the question and listened to the answer. I also felt that just asking the question was kind of like counting the chickens before they were hatched - not a good idea.

In other news breastfeeding - yeah well maybe once a day sometimes twice. We both are happier with the situation of pumping and getting it and both of us have to be either exhausted or starving which happens at least once a day. Ultimately we do our best and I'm no longer beating myself up about how he gets the breastmilk. I'm just happy that he does get breast milk.

We have his 8 week check up coming up on Friday. It is hard to believe it has been 8 weeks to me it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like an eternity has passed.

In funny ha ha dog news -

D is threatening to soak a pacifier (you know the ones from the hospital the s**thie kind) in pepper spray as the dogs have destroyed at least 4 of them in their "love" of these things... I think they would steal them directly from Squeak if they could. Right now we hide them - they find them. So if it's not in a drawer they consider it fair game and I'm not sure, but I think they're trying to figure out how to open the drawer to get to the pacifier. If it was one dog we could just say "BAD DOG". It's 4 dogs the only 2 that are not on the pacifier feast is the two puppies... the rest of the dogs can sniff them out. It's just plain weird. How do they know I hid the pacifier under 3 pillows?

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Tonight I lit a candle for all the pregnancies that I've lost... in my arms I held the pregnancy that came to be Squeaker. Cherishing him does not minimize those pregnancies that never came to be... but it reminds me of what I did lose. So tonight I'll cherish my Squeaker and remember his brothers and sisters who never came to be... and in the future if he ever asks I'll explain to him like my mother did to me... just how he came to be and how much we lost before he came to be.

Many hugs to all those who are remembering and for all those that we have lost...

Seriously - it's been 6 weeks already?

Where the hell has the time gone?

Truthfully I'd say it has been spent napping and pumping and changing, but I could be wrong. Today Squeaky aka South Dakota (DD thought you'd like that) is 6 weeks old. I of course am biased, but the little guy is absolutely precious and adorable. He's really a great kid. I hope I feel that way during his teenage years. Do not worry I am not wishing the time to fly -in all honesty I wish that I could spend more time at home with him than the 10 weeks I will. I wish we had a better FMLA policy that allowed you to get paid to be home with your child for longer... However wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which fills up first. The place I work may be one of the top 100 for working mothers... but it isn't that great.

In the last 6 weeks I have learned how to pump and warm a bottle half asleep. Learned that Squeaky hates his cradle because he wiggles too much and ends up with his legs sticking out the side. Learned never to schedule a photo shoot for your little one on the weekend - way too many people those days. That these photo places try to take advantage of you by preying on your emotions - "aww isn't that cute, don't you want to spend 14.99 rather than 3.99 a sheet for that pose?" Yeah uhm no. That pumping is okay. It may not be breastfeeding completely, but my child is receiving breastmilk and it may not be the exact way I wanted him to receive it he is getting all the benefits of it that he can. So I am okay with that. He is okay with that and he's probably a svelte 8 lbs at this point. He's gaining and that's the part that matters.

I've learned that Ernie is the jealous one of the bunch. That all the dogs love things that have breastmilk or spit up on them and that when Ernie gets pissed he steals something of the baby's. Generally a soothie pacifier if it's available... if not that then a cloth diaper, burp rag, t-shirt, etc. I've learned that Lola adores the baby and will sit and stare at him, climb into his pappasan chair or act like a prairie dog and stare at his swing if given the opportunity.

I've learned that D is a wonderful father who is even more sappy about Squeaky than I am. That watching him deal with a blowout is hillarious comedy.

I've learned that way too many people want to ask "are you going to have another?" Rather than "Are you enjoying Squeaky?" That particular question the first not the second is one I don't have the answer for. Talk to me in 2-3 years... then I'll know the answer. Right now I'm enjoying Squeaky. He's more than enough for me right at this very moment.

In a few short weeks our lives will change again... my mother will live with us and I will have to return to work. Until then - we're enjoying one another and the quite before those big changes occur. We're happy and that is truly all that I can ask for.

Due Date

Back in January when the first test showed up positive this day was just a dream.

Today I woke up to reality... and have been doing so for the last month. It's a wonderful reality even with the challenges this little guy has thrown our way.

He's working on his head control. He smiles (at least it certainly seems like he smiles) and he's beautiful and I'm still in awe that D and I produced this little miracle.

I'll try to post more pics soon... Know that I'm reading... not commenting, but reading and surviving.

One Day and a Few Hours

Then D will be off for three days...

I've missed my husband. Even though he comes home - gives Squeaky and myself a kiss then promptly takes Squeaky from me to have some "daddy time." It's just not the same as having him home with me.

Granted I felt that way before the Squeaker came into our lives, but now I miss him more... for a lot of reasons - not including that he can wrangle the six mongrels and take care of them while I handle the Squeaker but because he makes this whole parenting thing easier.

My mom and D's parents keep calling to check on us... meaning Squeaky and me... D's dad has offered to come help. D and I have talked about that and truthfully FIL would be more work rather than less and would not make things easier. He means well, but we're doing okay. It's weird having this many people wanting to make sure that we're okay...

Breastfeeding is hit or miss... he still falls asleep at the wheel. My n*pples still are sore but we're still trying. Probably at least every other feed. Half the time he's still asleep or not receptive to the boob and there's only so much rejection a girl can take.

I dreamed that things in the breastfeeding department would be easier. Heck my sister did it, my friends did it... why can't I do it? I had similar feelings about the c-section and water breaking... my sister had the regular plain jane old delivery where they had to break her water and then they had a baby. Why did things have to become so complicated for us? Hadn't we gone through enough crap already to get to this point.

So I'm done whining now... I'll be back to normal shortly. In other news - a good friend is going to have her baby girl tomorrow by c-section. I can't wait to meet her and see her parents become parents.

On My Own...

Warning - prepare to listen to the ravings of a crazy lady :)

That crazy lady is me...

Squeaky and I are on our own tonight. This is the first time I've been left to care for my son since he was born. I'm the only adult in this house and I am responsible for Squeaky and for the six dogs.

I know it is a luxury that I somehow managed to have D here for two weeks and my mom and D's parents here the first week we were home. Either way I'm on my own now and tonight I realized how much I rely on D. With breastfeeding still a sore subject (I'm still pumping and feeding, but the whole latching thing is hit or miss and with his weight gain we still have to supplement him with a bottle of breast milk)that means feeding takes forever. I know I'm whining here. However my time is limited by feeding him and then pumping for 15-20 minutes so that I keep my supply up. When D was home he'd do the feeding of Squeaky so I could pump. I have no idea how it will work during the day tomorrow when D is trying to sleep - should be interesting.

Squeaky has finally started waking up for feeds, but again this is a hit or miss thing so that means I still have to set my alarm clock to go off if I lay down at all because if he misses a feed then that's calories he's not getting and (yes, I'm an anal retentive nurse who is fearful of having the diagnosis failure to thrive) well my nursing skills say - he has to eat every 3 hours at a minimum. Sometimes he eats all that I prepare other times the last 10 cc is always a struggle... he falls asleep at the wheel... or he's so sleepy at feeding times that it's a joke of us stripping him naked, cool cloth etc. I know some people think this is a great thing - sleepy baby = good. It's not. I feel awful and so does D when we have to resort to this. However we'd really like to get off the fortifier and if this is what we have to do then so be it.

Tonight Squeaky nursed and nursed and nursed, but was still a starving marvin... I know how much I produce and pumped that amount so it means Squeaky sucks at sucking still. It may feel like a hoover, but apparently the boy isn't doing it properly. We go back to the lactation consultant on Thursday - he had improved from the last time he was at the breast, but still is significantly below par and falls asleep at the boob.

I love this little guy and know that I can handle taking care of him and the dogs... it just is a bit overwhelming at first. Squeaky cries because he's hungry the dogs bark because Squeaky is crying and while Squeaky will always come first it's nice when the dogs don't bark and the baby doesn't cry at the same time. I spent a good 15 minutes with both of those things occurring and two dogs following me as I tried to warm up the breast milk for Squeaky... Lola and Ernie were a bit frantic that I wasn't taking care of Squeaky fast enough...

So stay tuned... we'll see how the rest of the night goes. I've managed to survive about 8 hours on my own and no dogs were lost and Squeaky is currently sleeping in my lap. Hopefully the next few hours will go by smoothly and I survive the next 3 nights while D works.

3 Years

September 18, 2004 I married D.

I would do it again in a heartbeat... he's been a rock through all the shit we've been dealt and he is a wonderful father. I am amazed and just in awe at the love and care that he shows Squeaky... I am truly blessed to have a wonderful husband... and our little early anniversary present Squeaky.

* I'm writing this about an hour early, but it's for a good reason. D is currently attempting to feed Squeaky. Squeaky is now stripped down to his diaper in the hopes he'll actually eat what he's supposed to and in this moment I am more in love with my husband than I was five minutes ago. Granted he could have refrained from saying that Squeaky was acting as stubborn as his mother, but he's forgiven for the love that he shows me and our son.

So this year's anniversary is so very different than last year... and we have the very best anniversary present a couple could ask for... a beautiful, obstinate, sleepy son.

And right now... life is beautiful as I listen to my husband laugh at Squeaky's noises and the dogs are quiet.

My hope for this year of marriage may it be better than last and our love continue to grow...

I love you and I always will...

Two Weeks and Change...

Right now my son is sitting in my lap.

You read that right... my son.

If someone would have told me back in January that things would actually work out I would have looked at them with a jaded eye and said "don't patronize me." My cynicism regarding pregnancies and the possibility of them actually working out was kept pretty close to myself... D and I didn't even flinch with a positive pregnancy test... we were used to those. As the stakes were raised - it was in the uterus... it had a heartbeat... we had bleeding... it still had a heartbeat with appropriate growth... etc etc. Things still seemed like a work of fiction. This wasn't happening to us... it was just a figment of our imagination. Something bad would happen to jeopardize this something wonderful in our lives.

That didn't stop us from bonding with Squeaky while he was inside... it just made us very pessimistic when talking about the future. I spent most of the first trimester in disbelief... same goes for the second trimester. By the time the third rolled around I had to face facts that this was a possibility - yet I worried that something would go wrong. I prayed nightly and daily that we would have our son. D did as well. I had nightmares - of my water breaking and a foot coming out. How odd since at the time we didn't know Squeaky was breech. Fortunately that nightmare did not become a reality - though when I realized my water broke that did cross my mind. Thank goodness Squeaky's ass was firmly implanted on my cervix or a foot could have occurred.

On the drive home after my water broke at work all I did was try to call D and pray... pray that if he was coming that day that he would be okay... that he wouldn't end up in the NICU... that he wasn't in any distress... that he would just be okay. I didn't let on my worry to D until we were finally at the hospital and the doctors mentioned the NICU team that would be there. Then D began to worry. Even knowing the possibility was slim that he would need to go to NICU and my doctor was of course overly reassuring knowing that it was a part of the "routine for preterm labors and c-sections" added a level of anxiety that I truly didn't need at the time.

Now two weeks and change later I can say yes all that anxiety was worth it. Squeaky may not nurse worth a damn (maybe for 5 minutes if that) so we pump (yes he's a lazy white boy who would rather sleep than eat). We've been to the lactatioin consultant two times since we came home (4 times while we were in the hospital) and a third time on this coming Wednesday. We're still on fortifier for his feedings... he's as of Friday the 14th 6 lbs 4 oz and 19 inches long. So we haven't given up hope of actually breastfeeding rather than pumping, but it's been a challenge and a struggle that's for sure.

The dogs are in love with him... and we still love the dogs. D will go back to work on Sunday... and I'm slightly terrified, but also know that with all we've been through we can get through this as well and make it work.

Ultimately I am happy... and my son now needs to eat. So I must pump...

1 week...

What a week it has been....

We came home on Monday - oddly enough Labor Day in the US. Feeding issues abounded of course. We were still trying the every 3 hour thing. Which seemed to be working.

Tuesday came and our first doctor's appointment. Squeaky weighed in at 5 lbs 8 oz. Down another ounce from discharge weight... so we were told to increase his feedings to every 2-2.5 hours. Yes - you read that right - 2-2.5 hours. This includes pumping - trying to get him to latch on and well you now are getting an idea of how things have been going. We also had his bilirubin checked and it came back at 13.4 so we became the proud renters of a bili blanket.

Wednesday was spent saying goodbye to my in laws... wishing D was not going to work - his fmla would start on Friday - guilt... oh the guilt. D thought he could go back to work then Squeaky decided to add the bili blanket and the 2 hour feedings and D got to see his wife (me) go I am not going to be doing this alone with the help of my mom. D agreed and told the chief that he had to be there for me and Squeaky.

Thursday came with me taking Squeaky to the ped's office for yet another blood draw aka heel poke and I asked for another weight check. He was still 5 lbs 8 oz. Talk about frustration. Lab results came back at 13.1 for the bili and we earned yet another night with the blanket and a recheck in the afternoon. Fortifier aka protein powder as D calls it to be added to his breastmilk that I pump.

Friday - 1 week old today. I can hardly believe that this whirl wind has been my personal story... today's blood test showed that the blanket is working - 10.3 for the bili and his weight at the lactation consultant was up 5 lbs 10 oz (I believe this scale a heck of a lot more than the ped's office as it's digital.) My nipples are on a rest from breastfeeding so I will be pumping until at the earliest Tuesday. Squeaky was making mincemeat of them. The bili blanket is on until at least Monday.

My dial-up is acting up so I will try to post a picture soon... in the meantime... we're here - we're alive... and we're so very in love with the pip squeak... aka Squeaky.

Birth Story

I decided that I probably should try and write things out to describe what exactly happened before mothers amnesia commences. SO... below is how things went.

I worked on Thursday night into Friday morning. It was normal - nothiing unusual had happened. I was feeling relatively "okay" in terms of fatigue. I had had to go to the bathroom a few times during the night but no big deal. Then at about 4 a.m. I went to go to the bathroom and thought that I had had some leakage of urine. Again no bg deal. By 5 a.m. that leakage was pink and I was a bit nervous. So I calmly asked my fellow coworkers if they by chance knew how to tell if someone's water had broken. Everyone immediately looked at my nether region as if to see a big giant wet puddle - which was not there. They then went into panic mode which for a bunch of ICU nurses is kind of comical if you think about it.

Eventually we tried to get labor and delivery to send us some special test strip to figure out if it truly was amniotic fluid or if I had just had a sudden loss of bladder control. They wouldn't go for that so I ended up speaking with the on call physician - who advised us to come in and be checked. At that point I was still doing pretty good. An occasional contraction, but again - was it really a contraction or my over reactive imagination? I finished up what I was doing, gave report on my patient and then tried to call D. D was at home sleeping... SOUNDLY... I left a message and headed home to pick him up and then drive to the hospital.

I chose to not deliver at the hospital at which I work... if I had been checked there they would have delivered me there since we now know my water had actually broken. So it was a good thing I did make the choices I made. However it also meant I got to the hospital about 2 hours after the fact.

I eventually got a hold of D and he thought I was kidding. We hadn't had a bag packed yet as that was going to be done this weekend so he scrambled to get that done while I drove home. By the time I got home I was sure it was indeed my water that had broken and I was having contractions about every 10 minutes apart. We eventually got on the road to the hospital - still calm once we found the camera. Apologized to the dogs and attempted to get a hold of my mom to hopefully be able to take care of the puppies.

Enroute to the hospital the contractions were getting a bit more forceful and closer together - we were at 5-8 minutes apart when we hit the doors of the hospital. My coworkers relieved that I had D and I was no longer driving myself anywhere. I was thankful to have D as well as driving would have been a challenge for me at that point.

We checked in - answered multiple questions got the "you poor dear" look multiple times when discussing what number pregnancy this was for me and eventually they checked and I was 2 cm dilated. Samuel was indeed still breech and trying to make his presence known.

My doctor showed up and said "guess we don't need to even have that conversation about the version anymore since that is no longer an option." 10:00 a.m. was the slated time for me to get to the OR. It was 8:30 when they had checked me the first time and at 9:15 when they checked again I was already 4 cm dilated so 10 a.m. could not come soon enough.

It seemed like forever before they drew blood, started the IV etc, and at the time I could only focus on little things. I became a person who watched the clock. 10 a.m. was the promised land time. Eventually the anesthesiologist got in there and we were able to finally head to the OR. At that time I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes and they were definitely hurting. It was all back labor so the only positions that felt comfortable did not allow anyone to watch Samuel on the monitor. They gave up on that and we were able to get my spinal in and about 30 minutes later Samuel was born.

His apgars were 8 and 9 so excellent. He had the neonatal nurse practitioner present at his birth due to his early arrival. When in recovery we found out that his blood sugar was low and his temperature was low so we spent quite a bit of time in recovery and then Friday and Saturday he had his blood sugar checked every 3 hours prior to meals. Poor guys little heels have definitely taken a beating.

We're still having breastfeeding issues, but things are better than they were. A large part of the problem is that he is undercooked. He's going to take longer to figure this out than a term baby. We just have to be patient and things will all settle in.

We're very in love with the little man and are so happy that he's now here. Even if his arrival was not how I planned - I'm just happy he's here. He's healthy and he's doing fine. So are D and myself.

The dogs are fine - though we apparently need to produce a "how to take care of your grand dogs" video for our parents. 2 grandmothers and a grandfather and they are calling frequently to make sure of how they're supposed to do things. We should be out of the hospital tomorrow and life as we know it will definitely change. We're both looking forward to our own bed though. That's for certain.

The Best Laid Plans

Can go awry...

This morning at 4 a.m. my water broke. I was at work. I didn't realize that was my water that broke until about an hour later when I realized I had a constant leak.

By the time I was checked in at the hospital I was having contractions every 5 minutes. I was 2 cm dilated, and a half hour later I was 4 cm dilated. I was having back labor which stunk. We progressed to contractions every 2-3 minutes and I'm sure I had dilated more as I was feeling much worse. By then my labs had come back - I had signed all consents and I was getting ready to lose my mind.

Samuel David also known as squeaker was born at 11:09 a.m. weighing in at a svelte 5 lbs 15.7 oz and 17 inches long.

We're doing well. Things may be quiet for a bit.

Oh My....

DD tagged me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger... and it made me cry - good tears. Sweet tears. I'm apparently a sap. We'll blame it on the bottoms down child that is currently residing in my uterus. Persistent is apparently his middle name rather than David. Today was doctor's appt day and it was again confirmed that he is still breech. Next week we'll have another u/s. I think he was just a bit upset about not being peeked in on as frequently as he had been used to.

Now on with my tags - of bloggers.


A few of these are not posting as much, but they truly are the blogs I love... (for the record I'd nominate DD as well if I she hadn't already been nominated. My reasons are simple. She's a great friend. She's a great mom. She has not let infertility or recurrent miscarriage be all that she is. She can support others even when it is not the easiest thing to do... when you're in your own personal hell it's hard to stay supportive, yet she does. I'm thankful to have her as a friend. She is great at snark - and goodness knows I love snark.

Dino D A woman who has finally come full circle. A friend... someone who understood exactly what I was feeling and did not make me ever feel bad for having the feelings I've had even when hope was one of those feelings... She welcomed her daughter into this world - probably still thinking it was all a dream. Overcoming recurrent miscarriage is hard and she has done so with class. The scars may still be present, but she doesn't let it rule her world anymore.

Amy Another recurrent miscarrier who is managing to beat the odds. She is going to be a great mom and welcome Ichabod her fellow breech baby on Sept 7. We shared our fears and our hopes and one of these days I'm going to meet this gal and her son.

Mandy She and I have been real life friends for a long time... years! We may not always agree... we may not always be in close contact, but we do alway support one another. My persistent pollyanna attitude could make just about anyone turn away - yet she has always stood by and been there when I needed her. Thank you for being a friend...

Snickollet a mom of twins who has let us into her life as she copes with the loss of her love... it's not easy and it's not always pretty, but it is honest.

Thalia and Kath both of these women are due within days of my due date and both are having daughters... they both bring to the table a mix of humor, knowledge, grace, and class. I can't wait for them to be moms.

My picks are mostly either pregnant bloggers or moms. Most have a recurrent miscarriage element to them. Read their archives if you're still in the trenches. What these women have been through stinks - yet they all have either overcome or are in the process of overcoming those obstacles. Nothing in life is easy... and even when they wanted to they have not given up. It just wasn't an option. They've helped me in ways that I can not even begin to explain... just know that they have helped me stay the Sami that I am... persistent, strong, hopeful, and focused on the end result. They helped to remind me to keep my eye on the prize. How you get there is not nearly as important as getting there. Sometimes the journey is not the way you would have imagined, but if in the end you get to your destination then it was worth the trip.

May your journey be brief and not full of obstacles or heartache. That is my wish for each and every person that reads this blog... that there is a happy ending for everyone. Because damnit that's why I read trashy romance novels - they always end happily. So signing off for now - The Sappy Sami

Power Outage

What do you do when your father in law is visiting and the power goes out?

Pray for the power to come back on of course... fortunately my prayer was answered as my bladder was really beginning to protest my lack of wanting to go to the bathroom, but it was nice the power came on. I doubt it had anything to do with prayer but we'll give this one over to God and say -"Thanks a million!"

Ultimately my fil is here visiting until I think Monday. He came on Wednesday. Jodi his weim is with him and a more devoted pup you will not find. She adores my fil. She used to adore me, but that's okay that she is all about her owner. It's what we hoped for. It's brought a side of my fil out that we hadn't seen - a very very devoted one. He loves this dog and she goes everywhere with him.

In other news I apparently have hit my own power outage. As someone who is generally fairly active I have slammed head on into the wall of fatigue and let me just say it sucks. I hate it. I'm tired of being tired. That's my biggest complaint. I'm used to occasional fatigue, but this is bone crushing I could nap for 2 weeks and not be awake kind of thing. I've been told this is normal. In the hopes that this is normal and not because I haven't taken prenatal vitamins with iron - instead going for a different vitamin with low iron I've switched to the ones with iron.

In other news - this baby is still breech. He apparently has no sense of direction and does not appear to want to move anywhere. I believe the term - "I'm comfy" comes to mind. At my next appt if he is still breech we'll schedule an u/s and from there a version and well you get the idea.

I've also kind of hit panic mode. Panic as in... what the hell were we thinking having 6 dogs and a baby. I know this too shall pass and my fatigue is not helping with this thought process. If anyone wants to boost my spirits about 6 dogs and a baby - go for. If people want to point out it is ludicrious to have 6 dogs and a baby keep it to yourself PLEASE... discuss amongst yourself if you feel this way. I need support now, not any not so helpful points of - who in their right mind has 6 dogs and a baby. If anyone has $4000 laying around to help out with a fence for the 6 dogs then hell send it my way :) I'm good that way. I'll even send a thank you card. D doesn't seem to realize constantly harping about a fence to someone looking at the idea that my STD decreases my wages to 70% of my normal take home pay just isn't helpful. I hate to harp back at him that he's no millionaire.

In other news - he fell in love with a kirby vacuum cleaner. He stupidly let the sales people in. I had to go to work. We fortunately already have a kirby of my mother's from the mid 1990's. I firmly left to go to work stating "WE WILL NOT BE PURCHASING A KIRBY!" They of course did the whole presentation including vacuuming our mattress and most of the living room, the baby's room, and well anywhere else D could get them to vacuum. So at least he got some extra use out of them. He also had them take a look at my kirby and we found that for $30 we can have it back in tip top shape, so for now... he's quit mentioning buying a kirby, but has become quite the vacuum user. Everytime I turn around he's got the kirby out. No - I'm not kidding. It's quite comical as he hardly ever vacuumed before. The Hoover now has a RIP sign on it. He's sold on the kirby.

That's what's been going on for the last 9 days - fun fun fun.

Joining The Club...

As most of you know - my dad meant a lot to me... and it sounds like to a lot of other bloggers their dads meant a lot to them.

So it was with great sadness that I read of another fellow blogger joining the ranks of the dead dad's club. You know the one you never want to be a member of... Julie joined our ranks and I'd love to refuse her membership, but just as membership in infertility is something we all would like to be able to veto members, this is a club that the members don't get a vote in who joins. I'm sorry for her. I'm sorry for Paul and Charlie. A dad's death, a fil's, a grandfather's death is awful... and I'm so very sorry that she joined our ranks... My heart goes out to all of them during this difficult time... and it just sucks. Sucks is about the best word I can use to describe knowing that your father won't be there for the weekend, special day, birthday, Christmas, etc... it just sucks.

Bottoms down?

For those of you playing the at home version this post will have more crap about pregnancy and less about life in general - though there is a bit of life coming at the beginning of this post.

Waking up to the sound of heavy machinery is never a good thing. Especially when your neurotic weim (aka Ernie) thinks it's "cute" to stare at you half the night waking you up at 530 in the morning so he can get a drink of water. Yes - he stared at me for 30 minutes before I gave in and got up. My goal for today was to sleep since last night's sleep was seriously sucky and I need to get back on the night shift schedule. However my neighbors or the new neighbors work crew had different ideas about this. Heavy machinery moved in around 9 a.m (30 minutes after D left for work) which sent all dogs into chaos. I hope I like the new neighbors - if it's the nice old couple that we talked to then I'm excited if it's another group like the ones next door well then not so much.

Oh yes and my diaper bag was finally delivered it's by Loom and I love the thing it's great. Now to stock the thing... probably will get on that next stretch off.

Onto pregnancy stuff...
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Seriously does SD not know that I'm more a bottoms up kind of girl? Apparently he did not receive the memo. At yesterday's appointment it was confirmed that he is breech. I called it didn't I? Fortunately my doctor didn't poo poo my questions and answered them with appropriate responses. He didn't even give me the "smile". It was a good appointment other than hearing what I feared that SD was heads up rather than bottom up.

So the plan... if he hasn't turned by the next appointment which is at 35 weeks and change we'll schedule an u/s for the next appointment. Where it will either be confirmed he's heads up or bottoms up and then at the appointment after that or at 38 weeks we'll do a version. Yes - I signed on to the version bandwagon. I've tried the old wives tales and home remedies and truthfully he doesn't really give a fig about any of that stuff. A light has been shined at my lower abdomen and he just kicks it. Some would say stubborn like his mother... I would say stubborn like his father personally. Directionally challenged like his father as well, but shhh don't let my in laws here that. My fil's suggestion of riding the cork screw at a populat amusement park was met with laughter though I would consider it if they allowed pregnant women on the things. Since standing on my head really hasn't worked I doubt that that would either.

You know me always willing to try something once!

What the Hell was I Thinking?

Introducing D to the joy of blog readers? I apparently am insane and did not learn my lesson when I let him discover forums...

Forum wise he reads forums on single serve coffee (you know K-cups and pod coffee makers), fire arms, cops, more fire arms, more cop stuff... etc etc. Now he's reading via a blog reader because I thought hey that will be quicker than him surfing to the various sites and hogging my computer - cop blogs... I'm so overjoyed. NOT.

In my defense I thought it was a good idea to introduce him to the joy of a blog reader because of the speed factor... what I hadn't calculated was my husband's desire to read more and more and more. We're both addicts like that... we love information which is probably why I have about 50 blogs I read and why D now has 7.

In other news - I believe SD formerly known as NN is still heads up. I'm going to talk with my doc about versions because my biggest fear is we'll get to 37 weeks and he'll say no to it. I'd rather know now that he's up for the challenge or see another one of his partners - there's 10 of them one of them would be willing right? It's not that I have anything against c-sections I just would rather not have one unless I absolutely need one kind of thing. I've also put a lot of time, effort and money into the whole hypnobirthing thing and would like to give that a shot. The only perk I see about a c-section is the ability to plan and b) the 8 weeks off that are paid rather than the 6 weeks for a regular ole delivery. Otherwise I'm not getting the perks out of it. Surgeries and myself tend to get ugly and well I'd rather not have that occur on the day we greet SD. It just isn't my idea of a fun time kind of thing.

In other news the diaper bag was delivered TO OUR NEIGHBOR rather than to us... now I have to track down my neighbor and ask for my diaper bag which I REALLY want to just sneak into her house and find the damn thing since their kid was one the one who accepted the package... I learned this this morning.

Doctor's appt this afternoon - fun fun fun. It's just me - no D for this one as he's at work whining that the light is too bright. Gosh does he hate days or what!

Washing...

Yes, that wirrr sound is our washing machine having a field day doing laundry.

A few asked what brand we have which is G E and the model was purchased last year. I love the thing with a passion and now that it is actually draining water I'm back to actually loving the thing again. Ours was purchased at the irritating store A B C warehouse... yeah I know I can't believe we went there, but we got the best deal and somehow ended up with free installation and delivery. We had been tempted by the folks at HD, but ended up at A B C when the HD people could not show me the money. If you want actual model number I can look it up for you just leave it in the comments.

Ultimately we did not get the pedestals and right now D is lamenting that particular fact as that would have made things easier to access that stupid drain pump filter thingie that was clogged. However it wasn't a necessary item and still is not a necessary item. I of course win out on the "need" vs "want" game of chance.

Yesterday was spent shopping... we landed at the outlet mall and spent a small fortune on clothes for NN aka SD and D kept picking up things with firetrucks. No SD will not have a fire truck room as all the bedding I was able to find with fire trucks on it was absolutely awful and the one that was cute was way too pricey for this thrifty gal. I win out again on that whole "want" vs "need" game.

I was able to win a diaper bag on ebay that I am excited at seeing and hope is as great as the reviews I've read on it are. D still wants a bag that is more a work bag then diaper bag. He's losing that particular battle as no way jose' are you buying a bag that's $80 to cart diapers, bottles, and clothes around - even if you can use it again once the kidlet is out of diapers for work. The likelihood of this occurring as he'd have found another bag at that point is slim to well none.

Oh - the pens in the pump filter drain - most likely mine, the change most likely D's, the hair - well that would be all the puppies including the ones that have gone to new homes! So here's hoping the next time we clean our drain pump filter - which truly rolls off the tongue - it won't be quite the awful mess it was this time.

Oh yes and the area where he was able to find the information on how to clean it was located on epinions... I can post a link once he tells me what it is if there are those of you who need to know!

Standing water

Quiet - yes, it's been quiet here at the 6 dog house... mainly due to a work stretch.

Everything is fine, just life in general tends to get sucked from you when you do a 6 night stretch. Apparently 6 is my lucky or unlucky number. I've made some arrangements in my schedule for work as this pregnancy progresses, namely so that I can function a bit better. Just breaking up the 6 day stretch seems awful to me. I love having that 8 days off and that's probably why it's taken up until September for me to agree to back off a bit and break my stretches on up. I hate the idea, but with another coworker going on maternity leave shortly the numbers for working in the ICU are awful so I've switched a day here or there to accomodate that.

In other news - standing water... yes that is what I've had to deal with in our washing machine. We tried a few quick fixes and ultimately it lead to me making a service call. Our front load washer and dryer are wonderful - LOVE them love them love them. However no clue how to fix this issue as we could not figure out where a "drain pump filter" was located because the manual had no information other than "clean drain pump filter once every 3 months". It's never been cleaned. It was the most likely culprit.

Somehow D was able to pull a rabbit out of his a*s and thanks the the wonderful world of internet and forums a person who had actually located this filter - the problem was amazingly resolved. In the filter he found 2 pens, change, enough dog hair to last a small lifetime and god knows what else. We no longer have standing water and for that I am thankful. I had arranged on Tuesday for a service call to occur on Thursday between 8-5 and fortunately we were able to cancel that call. It would have been free, but that's not the point. I also called and complained to the company that manufactures the washer and dryer that it would behoove them to indicate "how" to clean that filter. We'll see if an updated manual comes out of this for the drain pump filter issue.

Ultimately I am happy to say we now can wash clothes. We now will regularly clean the drain pump filter. Ultimately I'm just happy to not have standing water.

The next few days I plan on doing some shopping, hoping that the NN has turned his little body head down. (Yes, I know we have a few weeks before this becomes an issue, but early turn is a nice thing right?) Trying to remember to do my hypno lessons so that we can have that hypno birth we would like etc etc.

The NN room is stocked full of clothes... some cloth diapers are present, but more need to be ordered. The breast pump has been purchased and is in the closet and the cradle is finally up in the bedroom so that the dogs could get used to it.

Ernie our resident doofus has healed so his paw is not as big of an issue. Also note to self and others when giving your dog a tranquilizer it's a good idea to ask the vet how quickly it takes affect. In this instance the second time I gave it to him I gave it to him 30-45 minutes before I needed to leave. Wrong move on my part. I had a drunken dog to walk down to the basement and his kennel which resulted in us walking down from the house, into the garage, into the basement and then into his kennel. It was quite comical if poor Ernie hadn't looked like a drunken sailor.

So that is life as we know it... I hope your week has been more fun than mine.

Rearrangements!

One of the things we haven't done since moving into this house almost 2.5 years ago was rearrange our master bedroom. With the addition of a cradle into our master bedroom well - we needed to do this. Figuring out how to house 4 dog kennels in the master bedroom as well as a cradle and a king size mattress - well you get the idea. Not simple.

Today was spent rearranging the bedroom. We also had to take Chance to see the vet to have him cut his toenails. Yes - I pay someone to cut Chance the geriatric crotchety - "I WILL NOT LET YOU CUT MY TOENAILS RARRRR!" dogs toenails. He used to be okay with us cutting his toenails, after the Meg incident - not so much. We were able to do it in June and in July - Chance tried to bite the clippers, the person doing it etc. I'll let the vet do it for $7.50 every 3 weeks. We're frugal people, so this is something that we a) don't feel is wasteful and b) really are sad that we can't do it ourselves. However he was able to get his nails clipped without sedation this time and for that we're thankful. He also milked the vet and the vet techs for all they were worth in dog treats. I swear it was a puppy hold up - he got 3 treats out of the vet alone. Chance is very food motivated. So he has another appointment in 3 weeks.

Anyways - back to rearranging. D is a planner - I am not. I would have gladly just tried different variations and seen what I liked, D had to plan it out. So we had a diagram to go on. Ultimately we moved the bed, moved a book case, added a cradle, traded night stands, and moved a kennel and voila we have a whole new room. D is thrilled. I am thrilled and it's clean. We have filters on the vents as we've had a dust problem and we'll be looking into purchasing a hepa filter for our bedroom and S's room once we get around to it.

So - we accomplished a lot. I also accomplished washing the clothes, and putting the cradle together. It not has a doxie blanket on it from gymboree that a friend gave me at the shower. Lola keeps staring at the cradle - lets hope she doesn't figure out a way to make that her new bed!

Giveaway

Okay shameless promotion, but seriously I would love $250 worth of gymboree clothes especially since right now they have teeny weenie outfits which has a bunch of dachshunds on it. Seriously - a little chocolate doxie for Sam seems like a good idea :) So click away and go to loveshak and do it too...

Congratulations!!!!

I know I know you all want the other post up top, but seriously... I have to send out some very huge congratulations to my friend Jill who has just welcomed her new daughter into the world through adoption. Jill was one of the blogs I started reading and her and I have emailed back and forth and I've cried as she has lost her father as well as her very much wanted pregnancy. To now have her be a mommy is just to beautiful for words. Prayers are welcome that all continues to go smoothly in the adoption process and also that little Sophia grows strong and healthy as she gets through the corrective surgery to deal with the urethra issues. I am so happy for the 3 of them... so very delighted... just makes me get all teary thinking about it. Yes cynical Sami is having a veklempt moment.

Tease and thankful to be home..

First - the gender and name will be posted at the very end. I promise I won't leave you all hanging, just want to get all my thoughts out.

Travelling with 6 dogs is never easy. It's complicated - you have to make sure that you have all the items you need, want, desire. All the food you need for the dogs for x number of days, etc. Kennels if they are kenneled which ours are. Leashes, seatbelts, toys, etc etc and the list goes on and on. Our last trip went smoothly so we had it down pat. What we didn't have down pat was that a) Ernie would cut his paw up and make it look like a mas*acre in our basement and b) that I'd be in the third trimester and c) that I'd be the one loading the car again.

Luck of the draw meant that D had to work and I got to load the car. I'd rather have worked. The main items were easy, the kennels not so much. They were in use until right before I left to pick up D so there was no way I could just pack them up the night before. Ultimately I got everything in the car that needed to be and everyone that needed to be, it just took a lot longer than it did before. I was happy D was going to be the unloader and repacker and unloader again at the end of this trip. I also told him no more big trips with the dogs until after the baby is here.

We arrived at my mom's late Thursday/early Friday morning. Friday was spent preparing food for the shower and talking with my mom, D's parents and with my sister and my niece and nephew. It went well all got along and nothing untoward happened. The hall was decorated and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. We were whipped, but things were going well. My mom had a bit of a scare which I was able to fix - as there had been a contractor on her house who had neglected to pay a bill and the supplier had threatened to put a lien on the house. Well I cleared up all of that and there is no lien on the house. It is free and clear. She wanted to know the gender and went back and forth about the sex of the NN. Which is quite comical to listen to. My mil of course wants a girl. My fil wants a baby and my mother wants a girl. So no pressure for the NN at all right?

Saturday came way too early and the pups were all discombobulated as they were not on their normal routine. Ernie's paw was doing well thank goodness and we made a make shift hood to keep him from licking it. He was less than thrilled with this turn of events, however it was effective. The shower started around 1 pm and family and friends started arriving. I was able to see quite a few people I haven't seen in a long time as well as some that I was happy to not have seen for a long time. Ultimately a good amount of people showed up less than 50 but more than 25. We received a ton of items and there were 3 little girls who helped out with the opening of presents. Two were my nieces P and C and the other was a little girl by name of Shyane who was a riot. She was 5 and just adorable and a sweetheart. When opening a card that had money in it she said - "If you open up another card with money in it... you'll be rich!" With big brown eyes and a sound of awe in her voice. This caused both D and myself to start laughing.

We gave both of our mom's cards which when opened announced... "It's A Boy!" With love from S & D and Samuel David.

Samuel David will be the NN name. This will probably be one of the few posts that has his name on it. His name is both our father's names... my dad's being first. We had debated about doing a third name like Landon Samuel David, however we couldn't agree on a name and the closer and more real this has become the more adamant D has become that the baby just be named Samuel David. He thinks my dad had a hand in this pregnancy. He also thinks my dad had a hand in the fact that this baby is a boy. He says this because my mom went on and on and on about having a girl. My dad always always always said - it doesn't matter, just that it's healthy. So since we think he wanted to remind mom of that statement. Gender truly does not matter just that this little one is healthy is truthfully all that matters to both D and myself. We're happy, but we would have been happy if he had been a girl as well. We're just happy to be here and to be this far along.

So now you know the rest of the story... as Paul Harvey would say- Good day!

Bloody Hell...

Because what would life be like without a dog trying to bloody the whole basement. Ernie decided to spaz in his kennel and ended up cutting his foot pad. I came home to find a bloody mess.

I love Ernie, but this freaking out in his kennel gets old. I have some tranquilizers from when the pups were fixed and maybe next time I have to go somewhere he'll get one of those. It's just not worth it to come home and find him a) miserable and b) bleeding. D goes - what are we going to do? I know it will get better once my mom is over here, but maybe we just need to clean fabulously and hope for the best by leaving him home alone out of his kennel for short periods of time.


In other news - NN is doing fine. It's breech right now, but no biggie on that front. No clue as to weight estimate. I did of course have a freaky dream last night/this morning which prompted me to be a bit panic stricken. Basically in the dream - my water broke and there was a foot. It gets better of course - wherever we were the hospital was being built or what not and there was only 1 doctor and no operating room or at least not a sterile clean one. Needless to say I woke up at that point. Talk about a weird dream. The pups woke me up and I was totally fine with that and glad I didn't jump back into that dream when I went back to sleep.

I am off to the other side of the state just until Sunday - I wish all of you could be there as I'm sure you would be way more fun than some of the family members that will.

Obla Dee Obla Dah...

Life goes on... Oh... Lalala life goes on... Sorry Ernie wanted to say hi... this was back in June when we went to the other side of the state. We'll have more after this trip. I'm sure the dogs will be quite photogenic.

Remember the song? Remember the show??? No? You don't remember Corky and Becca and their parents and Paige. Okay so I lived most of my teen years watching TV and reading books. I'm boring like that.

The beginning of this post is me and my personal freak outs... Don't mind the crazy lady - it's just me. The second part is puppy pictures. You've wanted them... now you have them.

One of the things that I struggle with is that right now as of this particular minute the NN is doing fine and I still feel like I'm waiting for a shoe or boulder to drop on me. D doesn't feel this way. I end up looking like the crazy one at doctor's appts, the freaking m*tern*ty store that I hate with a passion, and anywhere else when people start questioning me too much. I'm a snoop and read one of D's emails to a friend and he talked of my paranoid ways... and truthfully I wanted to punch him. I'm not a violent individual, however I wanted to punch him. It's one thing to say to me "Sami you're paranoid." It's a whole nother story to say it to someone else. His only saving grace was he didn't say it to his parents - that would have been grounds for a real throw down.

I know men and infertility and men and loss especially early losses like the ones we had react differently. D has always reacted differently to a pregnancy than I have. He was the optimist - which to know him is to find shocking. I am the pessimist. While I have no ill wishes for the NN I pray nightly that this will work out. D has this subtle confidence that it will. Once we got through the u/s that showed a heartbeat and then the first trimester he was on the bandwagon of everything will be fine. My freak out about the heart - didn't happen for him. However he was relieved that I had connections so we didn't spend 6 weeks in limbo! So there are some contradictions that occur. He just is of the opinion - it will all work out. Which is normally me - actually that is me in regards to the dogs and having all 6 of them.

He doesn't fret about things - I fret about the finances, I fret about what the heck I'm going to wear to this shower, I fret about the gifts that we'll receive because in my mind I have a replay of our bridal shower where we received I think 2 items off our registry and the rest including 3 electric skillets (already have one thanks) had to be regifted or returned because of course no one liked where we registered at. Ultimately it made me hate showers. I wasn't that keen on them in the first place. But when you have to regift, return, exchange, etc a good majority of the items you receive it's not fun.

This is the stuff infertility and recurrent loss has left me with... I wish I could have a shower where it was all my friends from the internet and it would have an open bar for those still in the trenches and the food would be fabulous. (now I know the food will be great at this real shower, but there won't be an open bar) Because honestly you all get me. Where as those that see me in real life - don't. They just don't get it anymore. They can't figure out why I'm still a little weird about the whole pregnancy thing. Why I'm counting down the weeks and going - phew 29 weeks is great, but 30 is better and so on and on and on.

I feel as if I'm in a leaky boat and I have a life jacket on and someone says - you're almost to the island - don't get lost. Since I have a shitty sense of direction I'm hoping that my compass will guide us to shore. To land... because ultimately we all want off the island. It's just that uncertainty of being kind of in limbo - you're planning for shore, you're planning to make land and sometimes along the way there still are rough waters or storms and your ability to handle them is a bit diminished since you're not on the island anymore, but you're not on land either. Make sense? Shitty analogy, but hopefully someone gets it.

So in closing... Life goes on right? That's what I'm doing just taking one day at a time. Trying to stay sane, still blogging, still reading and still here. Just a bit quieter - popping my head up and saying nothing to see here move along just seems so boring. Now for the puppy pictures!

This was Blue trying to sleep. Yes - he thought it would be a good idea to sleep like that.



Pepper, Blue & Lola in the back seat. Lola decided she'd rather sit with them and then push Blue off the seat than be up front with us.

Contrary to Popular Belief...

I do not have all the answers. I do not even act as if I have all the answers.

Granted - some people do think of me as a know it all, but seriously I am the first to admit when I do not know something. I'm also the first to ask for help if I need it. Yesterday found me fielding phone calls. Way too many phone calls.

I do not remember if I had mentioned a note my mother found about a month ago that she then sent me on a wild goose chase for. If I did I apologize in advance for the refresher. If I did not - here's the scoop. The note was from an insurance agent. Apparently my parents decided when I was born to buy a prepaid life insurance policy in my name. Considering all the early health issues I had (weird white counts due to drinking contaminated water at my preschool, strep infections from an early age leading to my tonsils and adenoids being removed at 5, multiple stitches - yes I was a clutz) this probably was a good idea. The policy number is missing on this note and of course the note does not have a date, just a monetary amount that at that time was still with the life insurance policy. I have contacted who I thought was the life insurance company and of course - they have no record of my parents or myself. I contacted the gentleman who had sent the letter - he's now retired, but remembers my parents - only clients he had in Sand Point and my dad as a "stocky and short guy that was really nice." Nicely sums up dad actually. I even contacted the man who had taken over for the gentleman as he is now retired and truthfully sounds about 70+ years of age or at least his wife did. My mom has been on my tookus about this. She also states that she never cashed in the policy and that I must have thrown it out when I cleaned out a bunch of things from her files when dad died.

While I did clean out a lot of things from my mom's stuff most of it was junk. I do not remember a life insurance policy for myself or I would have asked about it. I found my parents original divorce papers - and I think I threw them out as truthfully I do not want my brothers or sister to read the transcripts from their first marriage divorces. I read it and it made me ill. Neither of my parents first spouses were all that great. My dad's divorce papers had a write up by the social worker recommending my father to have sole custody and also how the final arrangements were made - my dad gave his first wife - cash, a car, a handgun, and stock options in order to have full custody of my brother - now granted some of this stuff my brother knows, but to see it in writing well that's just not something I would want to see if it was me. My mom's is not much better and documents some domestic violence issues. Ultimately my parents were much better off with each other than they ever were with their first spouses. So tossing those out when the divorces occurred in the early 70's seemed like the right thing to do. I think I also tossed out old cancelled checks from 1970, tax returns from the 1960's and well a few other things. My mom is a paperwork pack rat. So it's possible things are still there that I have to go through again and maybe I'll find the life insurance policy number. Boy would that make this wild goose chase easier. Apparently they will now have to go through the archives. This policy was taken out somewhere between 1978 and the early 80's. So none of it is on computer. Fun fun fun huh? Now granted if it means I end up with some money in the end - bonus. If not then I've put in all this effort for nothing.

The second phone call was from the gentleman that sold the policy - he wanted my birthdate as he was wracking his brain to remember more details.

The third phone call was to figure out how much barbecue pork is needed for the shower... we're having the woman who did our wedding reception make this as it was wonderful at the time. She's doing it as a favor for us. We greatly appreciate it.

The fourth phone call was to tell me that the transcript was done and how much it would cost. It of course did not leave an address where I was to send it to, so I had to call back to get those details - this morning will find me buying a money order and accomplishing what I need to do to get the transcript. Such a pita!

The fifth phone call was my mother trying to figure out who would pick up the barbecue and who would do this, that and the other thing in regards to the shower.

Yesterday all I was trying to do was shop for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes in general, but I REALLY hate shopping for clothes right now. Nothing fits right and that about sums it up. I farted around too long so I can no longer order the dress I was going to order because it is not available in my size any longer if I would have ordered it before I fell asleep this wouldn't be an issue as it was still available then. Now it's poof available in xs. Yeah uhmm not my size. Thanks for making me feel huge.

I came up with two alternatives... one is a denim wrap dress that I bought a while ago. It fits, it would work. The other is a dress by old navy that is not "ma*ernity" but it fits, is not awful, still not my ideal- I think it looks like a mumu this is it in dark chocolate though truthfully I think it's black with white flowers. D says it looks fine, but truthfully he tells me I look beautiful in a baggy t-shirt and boxer shorts so not a reliable critic. No it does not fall mid thigh, but more mid knee as I am a short gal. So that's a source of irritation. We shall see what I determine over the next few days. A large part of me after thinking about money etc says take the dress back and wear the denim wrap dress. It's not like I'll wear this dress other places. Granted it was cheap, but I can spend money on other things instead...

So your thoughts as always are appreciated. Fashion clueless in Michigan.

Just Doing His Job...

A few days ago a horrible thing occurred. A law enforcement officer was murdered. He was doing his job. His name was Robert Kozminski and he left behind a daughter.

I'm saddened for this family. For his parents, siblings, daughter, and I'm sure the mother of his daughter is also grieving. I hope I never am in this situation myself. Still it always reminds you when it hits closer than normal to home that it is a possiblity.

I don't generally worry about D and what he does. The same can be said about D's concern about me and my job. We both know the risks that are associated with our chosen professions. I had greater risks when I worked as a paramedic and when I contemplated flight nursing one of the questions that was asked was - what does your family think of you choosing to do this? My response was the same... D feels as if he has no room to judge. His job does carry an amount of risk to his life and limb. I have never said to him "why don't you become an accountant, it's safer." Being in law enforcement is a part of who D is. I wouldn't trade him for the world. It's the same for him. I'm a nurse. I'm a paramedic. If I chose to be a flight nurse he would have supported me 100%. The only question he would have asked was what is the helicopters safety record. It's as simple as that. We recognize that both of us love our professions. Even on the bad days and since we love each other we would never dream of asking the other to quit what they loved. Pretty simple huh... tell that to D's family. They don't understand his love of law enforcment. I think they would be happier if he was a firefighter. D likes firefighting, but he loves law enforcement.

D hates domestic violence calls... I used to too when I worked as a paramedic. For the same reasons that D hates them... people in those situations are usually volatile and unpredictable. Nine times out of ten things will go fine, but there's always that one in ten that don't. You always hope when you receive that call that today is not the one out of ten.

So please - say a prayer for this gentleman as well as his coworkers and fellow officers. Remember cops are not out to get you. If you follow the law they leave you alone... it's when you don't that they have to do their job.

3 Dogs In the Bed and the Littlest One Said...

I'm crowded... roll over... so they all rolled over and one fell out...

Remember the song on Sesame Street about the bears in the bed. No?? Well I do. Right now I'm experiencing this phenomenon with Ernie, Megan and Lola in bed with me. Lola is a bed hog. Megan is a bed hog who also tends to pedal with her paws kicking you. Ernie wants to be right next to you. So where the heck am I to sleep?

Normally our king size bed has D, Lola and myself in it. It works usually. Ernie is generally on the floor until we fall asleep then he sneaks his 84 lb body into the bed. Sometimes the sneaking works. Sometimes we wake up and say get in your bed Ernie. Ultimately it depends on how much he wants to crowd us out. Lola during the summer months is not as great to have in the bed as one might think. She's a heat hound and adds degrees to an already warm situation.

So this is my sleeping arrangment. Yes - it is what it is and it is what we make of it. Normally this is not a problem. This morning my allowing Meg and Ernie in the bed means that when D gets home Ernie will hopefully sleep in his bed, Meg in her kennel and Lola well Lola will sleep wherever she darn well pleases. She's a queen you know. Drama queen that is.

My mother left on Wednesday to go home. We were able to accomplish quite a few things while she was here. Not that there are not a lot more things that need to be accomplished because they do.

Stuff about pregnancy is coming...










We're pretty boring here. I have my appointment on July 25th that will also include another look at the NN. The shower is slated for July 28th and truthfully I have no idea what to wear or even buy to wear or even how I could look marvelous. Renovations are occurring with the NN but that whole "popping" thing is not apparent yet. I'm fine with that. D's fine with that. Everyone else - is apparently waiting with bated breath for me to suddenly pop and make it apparent that I am indeed pregnant rather than fluffy.

I can still sleep on my stomach. Please don't hate me. My body is just weird. Although we've known that for a while now right?

I'll be 28 weeks on Sunday and I feel like I can at the very least take a deep breath and go - phew. Likelihood of survival at this point is way better and while a NICU stay is not something I want, at least I know what I would be in for as I've taken care of 28 weekers. However the NN has been given strict orders to keep it's ass inside until at least 36 weeks. I'm trying to get all things arranged for the whole fmla and such. D's work paperwork is awful. It makes no sense. Although mine is not much better.

We're trying to figure out who will take care of the 6 dogs when we go to have the NN. I'm tempted to talk to both my mom and D's dad to make sure a plan is in place. I worry about my dogs and I know D doesn't want to have to worry about them while we're trying to have the NN. Boarding the animals is not an option - 6 dogs plus boarding expenses = way too expensive. That and half of our dogs can't have the kennel cough vaccine as they're allergic. Yes - my dogs are pansies.

We'll figure it out. We always do.

Next week I'm going to try and post some pics of all the dogs. They are so beautiful and such characters... I know I haven't done a post just about dogs in a while. I plan on doing that soon.

Finally normal... at least for the moment.

Just an FYI - if you're in the trenches there will be stuff about the NN at the end. I'll give warning when I get there.

House cleaning is underway. Actually D and I are really not the ones behind this drive, but my mom is. Mom loves to clean. She also loves to iron and fold laundry. I'm not kidding. My dad drew the line when my mom started ironing his underwear as he worked road construction and who needs starched undies? She used to iron the sheets. She no longer does these things, however she irons all her clothes. My sister takes after my mom. I don't. I can't live up to that cleanliness. I can't even live up to all that ironing. So housekeeping wise I'm much more relaxed than both my mother and my sister.

It means that I have chaos where they have control. I prefer the term controlled chaos. Which is also how I refer to my job in the ICU. Seriously - when the poop hits the fan it's a controlled chaos if all are on board. Just a side note... I hate the month of July. Two words - new residents. I know one thing for certain - I do not plan on getting sick during the month of July. It's just not the time of year that you want to deal with fresh faced recent graduates of medical school that do not look old enough to shave their legs or their faces. Boy - do I sound old or what?

So my house is being wrestled into submission by my mom. I'm letting her do her thing. My mom is a notorious snoop so sometimes it's fun to hide things and see if she finds them and then see if she asks about the items. So far any inappropriate items she has not asked about. She may wait until D goes to work to do that.

The dogs all adore her. They follow her around and stare at her and just universally adore her. It's comical.

Now for the normal part... because 6 dogs is never normal.
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Yesterday was one of our prenatal visits. I had to do the gestational diabetes screen and also have a blood count checked. Let me just say about that GD screen - that 50 grams of glucose is awful. I was fine until about one hour after drinking it then all I wanted to do was throw up. I felt awful. I did check my fingerstick blood sugar after the 1 hour mark in the hopes that I would be able to figure out if I was "close" to the pass/fail. My blood sugar 1 hour after by fingerstick was 130. So I was hopeful I would pass, but stranger things have happened. The lab tech said - oh you'll get your results in 48-72 hours what with the holiday. Yeah uhm not acceptable. This is one of the reasons why I always have things drawn and faxed to me. It's simpler. I hate waiting for a phone call where they say - all is fine without any details. I'm a nurse for goodness sake and I want numbers. I want concrete information. These are the people who will say "congrats you're pregnant" and not leave a beta hcg number. Unacceptable in my world. I also requested the complete blood count as my history of ITP at least warrants checking on those bugger platelets.

The rest of the appointment was fine. We'll have another u/s at our next appointment so that we can view all the heart structures. We did not disclose our echo done by my doctor friend. It was off the record remember. Weight gain, heartrate 150, measuring fine.

I did finally receive the results for the GD screen after calling and leaving a message. 119 - so I passed. This of course does not mean I'll be going out and having 10 sundaes, but it means I could if I wanted to. My hemoglobin was 12 and my platelets were 204. 204 is a very good number as I've not seen that since I was probably 15. My numbers tend to be in the high 80's to mid 100's. However in pregnancy I have noticed that my platelet counts tend to be higher than they normally are - but with ITP things can change quickly and dramatically. No one knows why my counts look so good and truthfully I'm just going to be happy that they are.

So for now... all is normal and quiet at the six canine house...