Doctor's offices...

Okay so after spending last week waiting for my lower abdominal organs to explode or implode on themselves... I had to play phone tag with my doctor's office and of course - my doctor didn't call me on Thursday as I was told he would... and the on call doctor just kind of scratched his head and wanted me to get an appointment with my doctor... sure no problem. So off we went to the doctor... but here's some prior things that occurred on Monday...

I think all of you would have been thoroughly impressed with my response to this... (mind you you all know I've been talking to my office since last week and had to practically force myself on them for an appt tomorrow) well... I peed on an hpt (why) well I have 75 and why not - I wanted to see if they had gone negative... well they were still positive so I called to ask if my doctor would like me to get another beta drawn...

First nurse - Suzy Sunshine - Says... well that's encouraging that it's still positive...
Me - Uhmm no.. not really
Suzy Sunshine - well horomones are known for doing weird things...
Me- (the one who's worked 12 hours and now wants to go to bed so she can work 12 more) - while I can appreciate your optimism... I'm going to hedge my bets and be realistic that this is most likely a nonviable pregnancy and hope that this is not an ectopic. I'd be ectastic if I'm proven wrong, but I'll go with my gut on this one...
SS- We'll give you a call and let you know what your doctor wants...

11 a.m. Call back from office
Me- yep that's me what would they like me to do?
Doom and Gloom- We would like you to have a beta done today.
Me- that's not going to happen as I've had 2 hours sleep and must work again tonight.
Doom and Gloom- Well don't you want to know what's going on?
Me - yeah that's why I called. I'll get the test done in the morning after work.
Doom- Well what if it's a molar pregnancy.
Me- Just so you know I'm a nurse and the likelihood of this being molar is pretty darn slim as the hcg's are minimal.
Doom - well what if it's ectopic? (thrown down like a trump card)
Me- That's a closer possibility, however no one seemed too concerned about this last week and where better to be than a hospital with a level I trauma center and trauma surgeons who know and love me... and just so you know... I have no symptoms of an ectopic (other than freakishly low hcg levels)
Doom - Well fine, but I think you should have these done immediately...
Me - I gave her the number of the lab and said goodbye...

Talk about polar opposites... Fortunately my sense of humor is intact and while i would love to be pregnant with a happy and healthy pregnancy I recognize that my doctor apparently needs to figure out what keeps causing this... my vote is a luteal phase defect... but I'd really rather avoid the whole endometrial biopsy... but that's just me.


So today - Hubby and I go to the doctor... this is mind you the first time my husband has ever been to the doctor with me. So he comes back and initially he wanted to check out all the cool gadgets that were in the room... I'm like sit in the corner and quit farting around. So doctor comes back and thinks this is a "chemical pregnancy" can we all wipe our foreheads... He's like if you don't get your period in 3-4 weeks then call and we'll figure this out. We're going to do the endometrial biopsy next month as well... so fun fun fun we'll be having here next cycle...

So the witch needs to show up in full force and get her ass in gear over here as we'd like to get this baby making project back on the road.

Doubling time of 204 hours... great... just great...

Well the beta from Wednesday was 20... yes I said it... 20 at 19dpo... so a doubling time of 204 hours... I should see 40 at this rate in 4 days... can you tell we're having a ton of fun in this household? My husband scratched his head and asked... so when do you get that battery acid shot in the a**? (meaning the methotrexate)... I then had to inform him that a) they couldn't say for sure yet that this is ectopic vs your garden variety miscarriage and that b) it'd be a while... His response. I'd just like to avoid having to take you to the hospital again and have to worry that some idiot is going to give you a drug that you're allergic to when you make me leave my gun at home... Got to love the sensitivity of a cop huh?

So since my doctor is not in today we wait... not sure for what, but we wait...

Until then if any weird goings on occur in my lower abdomen don't worry... I'll let my husband take his gun with so he can protect me from the versed carrying nurse anesthetist... Don't they know that I'm allergic? Since they make you repeat your allergies like 15 times before you even get to the operating room...

Medical professionals what are you going to do with them?

17 dpo... and a beta of 17

Well... those are the results... makes you kind of scratch your head... don't it? Seeing as I've peed on just about every brand that is commercially available in the US and the peeonastick website tells me that for a fact plus pro the hcg level it detects is 100... I shouldn't have gotten a positive... however I did... the digital shouldn't have been "pregnant" and the EPT definitely shouldn't have had a + sign... same goes for Equate and first response... However I have PICTURES that prove that those things are all true... so what does this mean?

To be honest... not sure... we'll know more Wednesday when hopefully miracles will occur and my beta will be at least 34... I hate that I've gotten my hopes up and am clinging to this... but lord I just want this to go well... It'd be nice not to have to refer to myself as the f'd up one...

Worse case scenario... I wondered what I was going to do with 75 hpt's that are set to arrive at my house anytime... apparently pee on them should have been my answer...

Happy Anniversary...

I'm apparently not a chicken... I took the plunge... head first into digital pregnancy test land... and... I survived the encounter. It came up "pregnant" on my 1st Anniversary of being married to my wonderful husband...

I should be jumping for joy... however I'm terrified. Totally terrified. My husband whom I totally adore and love doesn't understand this downright sheer terror as I was the one who wanted to hop right back on the trying bandwagon. The reason... is that I want this so badly for "us" not just for me... but I see my husband with our little mini doxie Lola and I know... I know deep down in my heart to the bottom of my toes that he will be a WONDERFUL father... because he is a parent to our puppy dogs...

So what do we do now... well we wait... we wait because I in my infinite wisdom decided that I couldn't possibly be pregnant as I was having my period so I wasn't going to bother my doctor on Friday with ordering a blood test to verify... Yes... yes I am kicking myself for second guessing my eye sight... those lines I had been seeing certainly could not mean I'm pregnant... joke is on me... So we wait until Monday morning at 9 am and I wait patiently on the telephone so that I can arrange for the doctor's office to fax an order for a blood test... and repeat this on Wednesday and in the meantime... I pray... I pray that this will end positively in 8+ months with a healthy and happy baby... and that everything will be okay...

By now you guys are thinking I'm a nervous person... no... not generally... Generally I'm a go with the flow... plunge headfirst... shoot first ask questions later kind of gal... this time I'm frozen in fear and uncertainty and I truly do not like that particular feeling... i probably will be like this for a while... if all goes well with the betas the next step is... an ultrasound to hopefully confirm that this pregnancy is in the right spot... and not an extension of the fallopian tube monologues...

So... stay tuned

The Girl Who Cried Period?

So what does this mean... well it means yes I thought I had my period... and yes I still took a pregnancy test after 2 days of said period... and it came up with... a line... a line I might add that my husband was able to see... though he did say "It's very very very faint." He apparently has not heard the a line is a line is a line... line. So... we wait... we wait for what?

A sign from the heavens that this indeed a pregnancy? No... we wait for Sunday when we've both decided since it's our anniversary it must be our lucky day right? We'll take a digital pregnancy test. In the mean time... I have 3 pregnancy tests and a bunch of cbfm test sticks... wonder how many times I can pee and see lines... seriously would love to know if the cbfm works on the digital test as that would be way too cool... DH has hid the digital tests so I cannot pee on them while he sleeps... he's got them... I don't so no peeing on a stick without him... the torture!!!!

Anyways now that you all are laughing at me... I seriously hesitated to post this news as a) I was starting to feel like the girl who cried period... this is the 2nd time I've tested after getting what I've thought was my period only to find a hpt with a line... so while I am educated and do know how to read hpt's this is why we're going with the digital on Sunday... and b) I'm quite freaked out about previously mentioned spotting... so if I denied there were lines then I could hold off on calling a doctor about getting a beta... if Sunday rolls around and it indeed says "pregnant" then Monday means calling my doc and getting them to call in a beta test to the local yokel hospital... As many know I'm at my mom's house which is in the middle of nowhere... so I sincerely hope they know what the heck test I'm asking them to do... and it also means the anxiety of is this in the right spot... which to be truthful I'm not looking forward to...

What I hope is that a) this is a pregnancy and b) the spotting stops and c) that the fertilized egg landed somewhere in my uterus... because the other option of another tubal really really really freaks both hubby and me out... to the point that he's staring at me going "I don't know if you are pregnant, but if you are it darn well better be in the right spot this time... and if you are listening little embryo that means you better be in the uterus... and none of this whining that it's dark you can navigate..." While most people would find this funny - this just leads me to roll my eyes and reassure him that we couldn't be that freakish... which he then reminds me that yes... yes we could be that freakish... so he's a little bit freaked out... okay maybe a bit more than a little...

So the moral of this story is... we seriously appreciate any and all prayers for a bean in the uterus and a sticky one at that... we'd really like to not have a repeat performance of the fallopian tube monologues... which is now the name of my formerly known as ectopic pregnancy back in June...

So stay posted... We'll know more tomorrow... early afternoon... unless of course I wrestle those digital hpt's out of my dear husband's hands on our anniversary and pee on them before he makes me wait any longer than he already has...

Am I seeing things? Yes... yes you are... nothing like hallucinations of a hopeful

Well where to start... the last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. Why? Well lets see hubby's family in a word sucks... on the one level sucks because one cousin is a jackass and on the other hand sucks because a good cousin is now dead leaving a 7.5 months pregnant wife, a 2 year old daughter and a 6 year old son...

The funeral visitation was overfilled with PREGNANT people... leading Hubby to say - maybe you should ask them what they've been drinking... which led me to HIT him in front of his family a hard punch to the upper arm... Not normally a violent woman, but hey if the shoe fits... don't tell your wife who's been poas and throwing it in a monitor then checking CM, CP and temperature for the last 6 months to drink whatever the pregnant ladies are drinking... He of course just chuckled and went on his merry way.

Then we had house guests... My in laws came for a visit... they are very nice people, but I am VERY VERY VERY happy to have my house back... to myself and the dogs and occasionally hubby... So life is now beautiful...

Which leads us to the title of our post... yes I apparently was hallucinating with ambiguous lines... I started poas fairly early in the hopes of having an early positive and I could have sworn I saw a line... granted the darn things NEVER turned up in the allotted time, but a girl could hope right? So were they evaps? I don't know... was this a chemical pregnancy? I don't know... I just now the darn period showed up like clockwork and so now we're back in the trying pool... It seriously would have been nice to have a pregnancy as an anniversary present but apparently that got knocked of my anniversary gift list this year... Onward and upward right?

So I've decided if I'm not pregnant by January which is when my yearly is scheduled we'll get my doctor to start doing testing as to why we're not pregnant... this would of course SUCK... but at least now I feel as if I have a plan in place... I think... I hope that I don't need to use this plan, but if I do then I shall.

I never thought it'd take 6 months to get pregnant and really it hasn't... but a failed pregnany/ectopic just doesn't put one in the "conceives easily" boat ya know what I mean?

So I've stepped across a threshhold and to be honest the water isn't all that warm and inviting... the people are friendly, but how far do I want to dive in? Not quite sure yet... but I will of course keep you posted...

Wish me luck as we journey on and hopefully blog a bit better in the future... on to cooking dinner for hubby and I... chicken marsala with sex on the beach as a drink YUM... there is one perk of not being pregnant... got to love the liquor you can imbibe while you're trying...

Why do the good die young?

I know weird post... however we just received the news that one of my husband's cousins was killed in a motorcycle crash involving a state trooper... no definite details, but it appears the trooper was at fault... This also is devestating as the cousin's wife is currently pregnant with their second child - due in a month or two... and they have a 2 year old... I feel awful for her. I also am so angry that this happen to the good cousin or the one that you would call the good father, the good husband the NOT A CHILD MOLESTER cousin... God apparently is providing us with enough challenging things this month... I have no words of wisdom for my cousin by marriage - nothing to bring her comfort - that it was quick she'd probably rather that he had hung around for the birth of their baby, that she knew he loved her and Kady and Alec (his child before marrying) doesn't matter as now she's going to be alone... and I can't even begin to imagine how she feels... Hubby's family can be both good and bad... tomorrow we're going over there to see how everyone is holding up and to be truthful I just want to see her and give her a hug and tell her let me know what I can do to help you... I don't want to see the rest of the family even though I know I will have to... I don't want to see Dan's other cousin because there are a lot of angry words I'd like to say to him and I don't want to do that in this tragic time...

So send up some prayers... for a good husband, good father, who's life was cut way too short... and who will be missed. Hug your husbands or lovers... and tell them that you love them as you never know when that will be the last time...

YEAH a Peak!

Hi everyone... my CBEFM must love me as a) it gave me a peak and we're still in our own house... thank goodness... not that you can't do it in your parents house, but still seriously not as much fun, or noisy...

Anyways so we're in the babymaking business in between cleaning for the in law visit of next week... and how are all of you spending your labor day weekend? I hope much more productively...

I think my early peaking must be from the sex on the beach I keep imbibing... maybe it's all that pineapple juice and cranberry juice? Who knows, but hubby sure has figured out how to make them very tasty! Got to love a cop who can also bar tend... or is at the very least willing to attempt to create whatever drink you name... with the help of the handy dandy internet!

Excuse me while I go swill some more liquor before O'ing :) I figure a drunk egg should be slightly more receptive to the sperms advances...

Annual Review and a PICU too?

So flight nursing is a bust this go around... however I am going to trudge on and either get a PICU position or take on extra duties in my own unit...

My annual review was today and my manager found out about my applying for the PICU position... she was sad that I had applied and wanted to know why... lets see - you don't listen to me when I tell you there's a problem? Could that possibly be top on the list? Nah she wouldn't understand that one... so now what does she say... if I don't take the picu position she'll put me in a more leadership position such as precepting or charge... hmm too little too late me thinks... but who am I to say that right? Lets see it apparently doesn't matter that all the people that need precepting are almost through orientation huh? So it's really a moot issue... doesn't matter that most of the nurses eat their own young... doesn't matter that we have a black flipping rain cloud hanging over our unit? No those things don't matter apparently... I sincerely hope I don't do those things to my coworkers that the nurses do to others...

I doubt I'm perfect (okay quit laughing...) I know I'm not perfect, but I can't do that bad of a job can I? thoughts?

Oh as for babymaking... waiting to O... just waiting to O... fun fun fun in the land of sex on the beaches... (the drink people! The drink!)

Be vigilant... RANT!

Okay how do you put this bluntly... I hate pedophiles... I truly hate them. I hate that they have invaded my family... I'm not using the politically correct term of sex offenders... No I'm using the non politically correct term of pedophile.

My niece was a victim of sexual abuse by a trusted family friend... A friend's adopted daughter was abused by her adopted father... and now... A step cousin was abused by my husband's cousin the child's step father... and I want them all to be abolished.

This will be something that will affect these little girls for the rest of their lives and for that I am truly sorry for them. I believe there is a special place in hell for people that commit these crimes... and now I have to find a way to get my husband's family to understand why WE (meaning hubby and I) do not want anything to do with this individual... doesn't help we're both mandatory reporters and I'll take pictures of the SOB and have his parole officer on speed dial... doesn't help that hubby is going to have to document a whole lot in regards to this guy... doesn't help that both of us are horrified that we did not see any signs this was coming...

Evil can be in your backyard... be vigilant, protect your kids... teach them early good touch vs bad touch and let their voices be heard.

Nope not our month...

I'm out...
I hate it... I hate periods... I never thought I'd say that considering I spent 9 years preventing a pregnancy... and I'm only in month 5 of trying to get pregnant, but still... I hate it... I wish there was a magic pill that you could take and say bingo I'm pregnant... I spent at least 30 dollars on pregnancy tests this month... give or take a few dollars... and for what? A bfn... yep perfect timing, and a negative... apparently our sperm and eggs could not match up...

Of course I'm seriously thinking that intelligent women's eggs are apparently into playing hide and seek with their husband's sperm, but who am I to think that... oh yeah the one who has seen a number of idiots get pregnant at the drop of a hat... never have a miscarriage and of course spit out kids left and right without even taking care of the chldren that they have... Okay rant over...

It wasn't meant to be this month - I get it... it'll happen... In God's time... I have faith that it will occur... I know it will happen and hopefully it will happen soon. Hopefully 9 months from now a baby will be in my arms... and my husband will be a daddy...

Is this our month?

5 days post O - is this our month?
I probably shouldn't be reading infertility blogs... technically I'm not infertile... I got pregnant within the first couple months and had an ectopic pregnancy and of course had 1 previous miscarriage... but I think I identify with them to a certain extent... my innocence was taken a long time ago when the words happy and healthy 9 months... now I have the fear of is it in the right place... I've had 2 pregnancies and neither have gone past 6 weeks... that's saying something. Not sure what it's saying, but it's damn depressing to write.

Anyways well reading blogs of Julia, Julie, Karen, etc I got to thinking... I know bad thing to do when you're up late at night and I was so happy to see Julia's pregnant again - after the IVF with PGD... and I was ecstatic to hear of Charlie's escapades at 6 months... and I was horrified at the selfish comments that were made to Karen... and I realized I'm one of them... I may have only started this journey but I understand on some level...

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend... she's fast approaching a year with ttc and understandably quite jaded and is trying to find a way to step back a little from all of this... and I have no idea what to tell her to do. No clue!

She and I this month weirdly enough started af on the same day and had peaks on the same day with our CBFM's and probably ovulated close together... she's convinced her bd timing was crappy - mine was given a high for chances... I'm secretly hoping that somehow we both get pregnant this month or if only one of us can it will be her. She's my bf, she's my sister in every definition of the word except we do not share blood and while ttc has only just started to get to me it's been getting to her a lot longer and if there was only 1 magic pill that could make 1 of us pregnant I'd gladly give it to her so that she could have her heart desire... I know I'm a sap... but having only started this journey in March I can only imagine how she feels...and saying all these things mean nothing because unfortunately I can't back up the promise of the magic pill... all I can do is be her friend and support her as she supports me and sometimes that feels like it just isn't enough...

I'd offer her my uterus however that apparently has not been proven to be as hospitable as it's owner so that's out... same goes for the eggs - not sure they're quite up to snuff yet... hopefully this will be a moot point and my dear friend and myself will both soon have babies to love and snuggle... and that's really what all this is about... we both want to be moms...

Someone please hand me my sense of humor... I think mine is lost...

In laws - love them... in small quantities... joke about them living on the compound as they all live really close together. So we go to dinner and fortunately it was just my MIL and FIL and us and the dogs. They had a few questions about the ectopic and they were polite... but... (there's always a but isn't there when dealing with in laws) a cousin is pregnant... I of course held my tongue (by biting it bloody). It's not that I'm not happy for them... I am on some level - however I would be happier if - they a) took care of the kids they have, b) cared about the children that they have and realized how precious they are, c) worked... and lets not forget that after the last child a year ago her doctor told her not to have anymore... Oh and when we finally leave as we drove past the cousin who's pregnant's house... Poor hubby goes "God definitely has a sense of humor."

Okay so now I'm done venting... I think... my in laws mean well and I always remind myself of that... they love my husband...and they even love me and our 3 puppy dogs... so I have that to be thankful for... that and dairy queen. DQ is on the way home from their house so since we were both in a crappy mood after hearing that news we had to have ice cream to feel better. Hell I wanted a shot of tequila...

Fortunately I know that most that will read this blog will understand when I say that I don't wish a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or even anything to go wrong with hubby's cousin's pregnancy... I don't begrudge them their happiness... I just wish that my mil would not have gone from asking me if I was well to telling me about this new pregnancy... it just was bad timing... there's 9 months - tell me in month 3 rather than immediately. Oh well...

So here's hoping that all of us get huge BFP's that stick and have a happy and healthy 9 months... I think all of us on this ttc roller coaster deserve it.

Marriage is...

I love my husband... seriously I do. Sometimes I just don't necessarily like him all that much... today is fortunately not one of those days. He's been great - taken care of me after the d/c and very supportive almost too authoritative with this whole diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy... one would almost wish that he wouldn't think he knew it all. But he's not saying what he's feeling or thinking... I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to add to my worries or if he's just focusing on taking care of me...

This is written kind of after the fact... it freaked him out. Plain and simple all of this has freaked him out. He loves me and doesn't want to lose me... (if that's not enough to make you puke I don't know what will) But he's serious about this. I think he'd even have a baby if it was possible to prevent this from happening again.

I knew there was a reason I married this man and these are the days it always becomes clear why. He brought me flowers home... as it's my birthday and he took care of me when I'm not necessarily fit for human companionship... He of course also yelled "Don't throw up... You just took a bunch of pills" rather than holding my hair when I decided I was going to be sick... but well you can't have everything... Sometime your knight in shining armor is a regular guy...