The Best Laid Plans

Can go awry...

This morning at 4 a.m. my water broke. I was at work. I didn't realize that was my water that broke until about an hour later when I realized I had a constant leak.

By the time I was checked in at the hospital I was having contractions every 5 minutes. I was 2 cm dilated, and a half hour later I was 4 cm dilated. I was having back labor which stunk. We progressed to contractions every 2-3 minutes and I'm sure I had dilated more as I was feeling much worse. By then my labs had come back - I had signed all consents and I was getting ready to lose my mind.

Samuel David also known as squeaker was born at 11:09 a.m. weighing in at a svelte 5 lbs 15.7 oz and 17 inches long.

We're doing well. Things may be quiet for a bit.

Oh My....

DD tagged me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger... and it made me cry - good tears. Sweet tears. I'm apparently a sap. We'll blame it on the bottoms down child that is currently residing in my uterus. Persistent is apparently his middle name rather than David. Today was doctor's appt day and it was again confirmed that he is still breech. Next week we'll have another u/s. I think he was just a bit upset about not being peeked in on as frequently as he had been used to.

Now on with my tags - of bloggers.


A few of these are not posting as much, but they truly are the blogs I love... (for the record I'd nominate DD as well if I she hadn't already been nominated. My reasons are simple. She's a great friend. She's a great mom. She has not let infertility or recurrent miscarriage be all that she is. She can support others even when it is not the easiest thing to do... when you're in your own personal hell it's hard to stay supportive, yet she does. I'm thankful to have her as a friend. She is great at snark - and goodness knows I love snark.

Dino D A woman who has finally come full circle. A friend... someone who understood exactly what I was feeling and did not make me ever feel bad for having the feelings I've had even when hope was one of those feelings... She welcomed her daughter into this world - probably still thinking it was all a dream. Overcoming recurrent miscarriage is hard and she has done so with class. The scars may still be present, but she doesn't let it rule her world anymore.

Amy Another recurrent miscarrier who is managing to beat the odds. She is going to be a great mom and welcome Ichabod her fellow breech baby on Sept 7. We shared our fears and our hopes and one of these days I'm going to meet this gal and her son.

Mandy She and I have been real life friends for a long time... years! We may not always agree... we may not always be in close contact, but we do alway support one another. My persistent pollyanna attitude could make just about anyone turn away - yet she has always stood by and been there when I needed her. Thank you for being a friend...

Snickollet a mom of twins who has let us into her life as she copes with the loss of her love... it's not easy and it's not always pretty, but it is honest.

Thalia and Kath both of these women are due within days of my due date and both are having daughters... they both bring to the table a mix of humor, knowledge, grace, and class. I can't wait for them to be moms.

My picks are mostly either pregnant bloggers or moms. Most have a recurrent miscarriage element to them. Read their archives if you're still in the trenches. What these women have been through stinks - yet they all have either overcome or are in the process of overcoming those obstacles. Nothing in life is easy... and even when they wanted to they have not given up. It just wasn't an option. They've helped me in ways that I can not even begin to explain... just know that they have helped me stay the Sami that I am... persistent, strong, hopeful, and focused on the end result. They helped to remind me to keep my eye on the prize. How you get there is not nearly as important as getting there. Sometimes the journey is not the way you would have imagined, but if in the end you get to your destination then it was worth the trip.

May your journey be brief and not full of obstacles or heartache. That is my wish for each and every person that reads this blog... that there is a happy ending for everyone. Because damnit that's why I read trashy romance novels - they always end happily. So signing off for now - The Sappy Sami

Power Outage

What do you do when your father in law is visiting and the power goes out?

Pray for the power to come back on of course... fortunately my prayer was answered as my bladder was really beginning to protest my lack of wanting to go to the bathroom, but it was nice the power came on. I doubt it had anything to do with prayer but we'll give this one over to God and say -"Thanks a million!"

Ultimately my fil is here visiting until I think Monday. He came on Wednesday. Jodi his weim is with him and a more devoted pup you will not find. She adores my fil. She used to adore me, but that's okay that she is all about her owner. It's what we hoped for. It's brought a side of my fil out that we hadn't seen - a very very devoted one. He loves this dog and she goes everywhere with him.

In other news I apparently have hit my own power outage. As someone who is generally fairly active I have slammed head on into the wall of fatigue and let me just say it sucks. I hate it. I'm tired of being tired. That's my biggest complaint. I'm used to occasional fatigue, but this is bone crushing I could nap for 2 weeks and not be awake kind of thing. I've been told this is normal. In the hopes that this is normal and not because I haven't taken prenatal vitamins with iron - instead going for a different vitamin with low iron I've switched to the ones with iron.

In other news - this baby is still breech. He apparently has no sense of direction and does not appear to want to move anywhere. I believe the term - "I'm comfy" comes to mind. At my next appt if he is still breech we'll schedule an u/s and from there a version and well you get the idea.

I've also kind of hit panic mode. Panic as in... what the hell were we thinking having 6 dogs and a baby. I know this too shall pass and my fatigue is not helping with this thought process. If anyone wants to boost my spirits about 6 dogs and a baby - go for. If people want to point out it is ludicrious to have 6 dogs and a baby keep it to yourself PLEASE... discuss amongst yourself if you feel this way. I need support now, not any not so helpful points of - who in their right mind has 6 dogs and a baby. If anyone has $4000 laying around to help out with a fence for the 6 dogs then hell send it my way :) I'm good that way. I'll even send a thank you card. D doesn't seem to realize constantly harping about a fence to someone looking at the idea that my STD decreases my wages to 70% of my normal take home pay just isn't helpful. I hate to harp back at him that he's no millionaire.

In other news - he fell in love with a kirby vacuum cleaner. He stupidly let the sales people in. I had to go to work. We fortunately already have a kirby of my mother's from the mid 1990's. I firmly left to go to work stating "WE WILL NOT BE PURCHASING A KIRBY!" They of course did the whole presentation including vacuuming our mattress and most of the living room, the baby's room, and well anywhere else D could get them to vacuum. So at least he got some extra use out of them. He also had them take a look at my kirby and we found that for $30 we can have it back in tip top shape, so for now... he's quit mentioning buying a kirby, but has become quite the vacuum user. Everytime I turn around he's got the kirby out. No - I'm not kidding. It's quite comical as he hardly ever vacuumed before. The Hoover now has a RIP sign on it. He's sold on the kirby.

That's what's been going on for the last 9 days - fun fun fun.

Joining The Club...

As most of you know - my dad meant a lot to me... and it sounds like to a lot of other bloggers their dads meant a lot to them.

So it was with great sadness that I read of another fellow blogger joining the ranks of the dead dad's club. You know the one you never want to be a member of... Julie joined our ranks and I'd love to refuse her membership, but just as membership in infertility is something we all would like to be able to veto members, this is a club that the members don't get a vote in who joins. I'm sorry for her. I'm sorry for Paul and Charlie. A dad's death, a fil's, a grandfather's death is awful... and I'm so very sorry that she joined our ranks... My heart goes out to all of them during this difficult time... and it just sucks. Sucks is about the best word I can use to describe knowing that your father won't be there for the weekend, special day, birthday, Christmas, etc... it just sucks.

Bottoms down?

For those of you playing the at home version this post will have more crap about pregnancy and less about life in general - though there is a bit of life coming at the beginning of this post.

Waking up to the sound of heavy machinery is never a good thing. Especially when your neurotic weim (aka Ernie) thinks it's "cute" to stare at you half the night waking you up at 530 in the morning so he can get a drink of water. Yes - he stared at me for 30 minutes before I gave in and got up. My goal for today was to sleep since last night's sleep was seriously sucky and I need to get back on the night shift schedule. However my neighbors or the new neighbors work crew had different ideas about this. Heavy machinery moved in around 9 a.m (30 minutes after D left for work) which sent all dogs into chaos. I hope I like the new neighbors - if it's the nice old couple that we talked to then I'm excited if it's another group like the ones next door well then not so much.

Oh yes and my diaper bag was finally delivered it's by Loom and I love the thing it's great. Now to stock the thing... probably will get on that next stretch off.

Onto pregnancy stuff...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Seriously does SD not know that I'm more a bottoms up kind of girl? Apparently he did not receive the memo. At yesterday's appointment it was confirmed that he is breech. I called it didn't I? Fortunately my doctor didn't poo poo my questions and answered them with appropriate responses. He didn't even give me the "smile". It was a good appointment other than hearing what I feared that SD was heads up rather than bottom up.

So the plan... if he hasn't turned by the next appointment which is at 35 weeks and change we'll schedule an u/s for the next appointment. Where it will either be confirmed he's heads up or bottoms up and then at the appointment after that or at 38 weeks we'll do a version. Yes - I signed on to the version bandwagon. I've tried the old wives tales and home remedies and truthfully he doesn't really give a fig about any of that stuff. A light has been shined at my lower abdomen and he just kicks it. Some would say stubborn like his mother... I would say stubborn like his father personally. Directionally challenged like his father as well, but shhh don't let my in laws here that. My fil's suggestion of riding the cork screw at a populat amusement park was met with laughter though I would consider it if they allowed pregnant women on the things. Since standing on my head really hasn't worked I doubt that that would either.

You know me always willing to try something once!

What the Hell was I Thinking?

Introducing D to the joy of blog readers? I apparently am insane and did not learn my lesson when I let him discover forums...

Forum wise he reads forums on single serve coffee (you know K-cups and pod coffee makers), fire arms, cops, more fire arms, more cop stuff... etc etc. Now he's reading via a blog reader because I thought hey that will be quicker than him surfing to the various sites and hogging my computer - cop blogs... I'm so overjoyed. NOT.

In my defense I thought it was a good idea to introduce him to the joy of a blog reader because of the speed factor... what I hadn't calculated was my husband's desire to read more and more and more. We're both addicts like that... we love information which is probably why I have about 50 blogs I read and why D now has 7.

In other news - I believe SD formerly known as NN is still heads up. I'm going to talk with my doc about versions because my biggest fear is we'll get to 37 weeks and he'll say no to it. I'd rather know now that he's up for the challenge or see another one of his partners - there's 10 of them one of them would be willing right? It's not that I have anything against c-sections I just would rather not have one unless I absolutely need one kind of thing. I've also put a lot of time, effort and money into the whole hypnobirthing thing and would like to give that a shot. The only perk I see about a c-section is the ability to plan and b) the 8 weeks off that are paid rather than the 6 weeks for a regular ole delivery. Otherwise I'm not getting the perks out of it. Surgeries and myself tend to get ugly and well I'd rather not have that occur on the day we greet SD. It just isn't my idea of a fun time kind of thing.

In other news the diaper bag was delivered TO OUR NEIGHBOR rather than to us... now I have to track down my neighbor and ask for my diaper bag which I REALLY want to just sneak into her house and find the damn thing since their kid was one the one who accepted the package... I learned this this morning.

Doctor's appt this afternoon - fun fun fun. It's just me - no D for this one as he's at work whining that the light is too bright. Gosh does he hate days or what!

Washing...

Yes, that wirrr sound is our washing machine having a field day doing laundry.

A few asked what brand we have which is G E and the model was purchased last year. I love the thing with a passion and now that it is actually draining water I'm back to actually loving the thing again. Ours was purchased at the irritating store A B C warehouse... yeah I know I can't believe we went there, but we got the best deal and somehow ended up with free installation and delivery. We had been tempted by the folks at HD, but ended up at A B C when the HD people could not show me the money. If you want actual model number I can look it up for you just leave it in the comments.

Ultimately we did not get the pedestals and right now D is lamenting that particular fact as that would have made things easier to access that stupid drain pump filter thingie that was clogged. However it wasn't a necessary item and still is not a necessary item. I of course win out on the "need" vs "want" game of chance.

Yesterday was spent shopping... we landed at the outlet mall and spent a small fortune on clothes for NN aka SD and D kept picking up things with firetrucks. No SD will not have a fire truck room as all the bedding I was able to find with fire trucks on it was absolutely awful and the one that was cute was way too pricey for this thrifty gal. I win out again on that whole "want" vs "need" game.

I was able to win a diaper bag on ebay that I am excited at seeing and hope is as great as the reviews I've read on it are. D still wants a bag that is more a work bag then diaper bag. He's losing that particular battle as no way jose' are you buying a bag that's $80 to cart diapers, bottles, and clothes around - even if you can use it again once the kidlet is out of diapers for work. The likelihood of this occurring as he'd have found another bag at that point is slim to well none.

Oh - the pens in the pump filter drain - most likely mine, the change most likely D's, the hair - well that would be all the puppies including the ones that have gone to new homes! So here's hoping the next time we clean our drain pump filter - which truly rolls off the tongue - it won't be quite the awful mess it was this time.

Oh yes and the area where he was able to find the information on how to clean it was located on epinions... I can post a link once he tells me what it is if there are those of you who need to know!

Standing water

Quiet - yes, it's been quiet here at the 6 dog house... mainly due to a work stretch.

Everything is fine, just life in general tends to get sucked from you when you do a 6 night stretch. Apparently 6 is my lucky or unlucky number. I've made some arrangements in my schedule for work as this pregnancy progresses, namely so that I can function a bit better. Just breaking up the 6 day stretch seems awful to me. I love having that 8 days off and that's probably why it's taken up until September for me to agree to back off a bit and break my stretches on up. I hate the idea, but with another coworker going on maternity leave shortly the numbers for working in the ICU are awful so I've switched a day here or there to accomodate that.

In other news - standing water... yes that is what I've had to deal with in our washing machine. We tried a few quick fixes and ultimately it lead to me making a service call. Our front load washer and dryer are wonderful - LOVE them love them love them. However no clue how to fix this issue as we could not figure out where a "drain pump filter" was located because the manual had no information other than "clean drain pump filter once every 3 months". It's never been cleaned. It was the most likely culprit.

Somehow D was able to pull a rabbit out of his a*s and thanks the the wonderful world of internet and forums a person who had actually located this filter - the problem was amazingly resolved. In the filter he found 2 pens, change, enough dog hair to last a small lifetime and god knows what else. We no longer have standing water and for that I am thankful. I had arranged on Tuesday for a service call to occur on Thursday between 8-5 and fortunately we were able to cancel that call. It would have been free, but that's not the point. I also called and complained to the company that manufactures the washer and dryer that it would behoove them to indicate "how" to clean that filter. We'll see if an updated manual comes out of this for the drain pump filter issue.

Ultimately I am happy to say we now can wash clothes. We now will regularly clean the drain pump filter. Ultimately I'm just happy to not have standing water.

The next few days I plan on doing some shopping, hoping that the NN has turned his little body head down. (Yes, I know we have a few weeks before this becomes an issue, but early turn is a nice thing right?) Trying to remember to do my hypno lessons so that we can have that hypno birth we would like etc etc.

The NN room is stocked full of clothes... some cloth diapers are present, but more need to be ordered. The breast pump has been purchased and is in the closet and the cradle is finally up in the bedroom so that the dogs could get used to it.

Ernie our resident doofus has healed so his paw is not as big of an issue. Also note to self and others when giving your dog a tranquilizer it's a good idea to ask the vet how quickly it takes affect. In this instance the second time I gave it to him I gave it to him 30-45 minutes before I needed to leave. Wrong move on my part. I had a drunken dog to walk down to the basement and his kennel which resulted in us walking down from the house, into the garage, into the basement and then into his kennel. It was quite comical if poor Ernie hadn't looked like a drunken sailor.

So that is life as we know it... I hope your week has been more fun than mine.

Rearrangements!

One of the things we haven't done since moving into this house almost 2.5 years ago was rearrange our master bedroom. With the addition of a cradle into our master bedroom well - we needed to do this. Figuring out how to house 4 dog kennels in the master bedroom as well as a cradle and a king size mattress - well you get the idea. Not simple.

Today was spent rearranging the bedroom. We also had to take Chance to see the vet to have him cut his toenails. Yes - I pay someone to cut Chance the geriatric crotchety - "I WILL NOT LET YOU CUT MY TOENAILS RARRRR!" dogs toenails. He used to be okay with us cutting his toenails, after the Meg incident - not so much. We were able to do it in June and in July - Chance tried to bite the clippers, the person doing it etc. I'll let the vet do it for $7.50 every 3 weeks. We're frugal people, so this is something that we a) don't feel is wasteful and b) really are sad that we can't do it ourselves. However he was able to get his nails clipped without sedation this time and for that we're thankful. He also milked the vet and the vet techs for all they were worth in dog treats. I swear it was a puppy hold up - he got 3 treats out of the vet alone. Chance is very food motivated. So he has another appointment in 3 weeks.

Anyways - back to rearranging. D is a planner - I am not. I would have gladly just tried different variations and seen what I liked, D had to plan it out. So we had a diagram to go on. Ultimately we moved the bed, moved a book case, added a cradle, traded night stands, and moved a kennel and voila we have a whole new room. D is thrilled. I am thrilled and it's clean. We have filters on the vents as we've had a dust problem and we'll be looking into purchasing a hepa filter for our bedroom and S's room once we get around to it.

So - we accomplished a lot. I also accomplished washing the clothes, and putting the cradle together. It not has a doxie blanket on it from gymboree that a friend gave me at the shower. Lola keeps staring at the cradle - lets hope she doesn't figure out a way to make that her new bed!

Giveaway

Okay shameless promotion, but seriously I would love $250 worth of gymboree clothes especially since right now they have teeny weenie outfits which has a bunch of dachshunds on it. Seriously - a little chocolate doxie for Sam seems like a good idea :) So click away and go to loveshak and do it too...

Congratulations!!!!

I know I know you all want the other post up top, but seriously... I have to send out some very huge congratulations to my friend Jill who has just welcomed her new daughter into the world through adoption. Jill was one of the blogs I started reading and her and I have emailed back and forth and I've cried as she has lost her father as well as her very much wanted pregnancy. To now have her be a mommy is just to beautiful for words. Prayers are welcome that all continues to go smoothly in the adoption process and also that little Sophia grows strong and healthy as she gets through the corrective surgery to deal with the urethra issues. I am so happy for the 3 of them... so very delighted... just makes me get all teary thinking about it. Yes cynical Sami is having a veklempt moment.

Tease and thankful to be home..

First - the gender and name will be posted at the very end. I promise I won't leave you all hanging, just want to get all my thoughts out.

Travelling with 6 dogs is never easy. It's complicated - you have to make sure that you have all the items you need, want, desire. All the food you need for the dogs for x number of days, etc. Kennels if they are kenneled which ours are. Leashes, seatbelts, toys, etc etc and the list goes on and on. Our last trip went smoothly so we had it down pat. What we didn't have down pat was that a) Ernie would cut his paw up and make it look like a mas*acre in our basement and b) that I'd be in the third trimester and c) that I'd be the one loading the car again.

Luck of the draw meant that D had to work and I got to load the car. I'd rather have worked. The main items were easy, the kennels not so much. They were in use until right before I left to pick up D so there was no way I could just pack them up the night before. Ultimately I got everything in the car that needed to be and everyone that needed to be, it just took a lot longer than it did before. I was happy D was going to be the unloader and repacker and unloader again at the end of this trip. I also told him no more big trips with the dogs until after the baby is here.

We arrived at my mom's late Thursday/early Friday morning. Friday was spent preparing food for the shower and talking with my mom, D's parents and with my sister and my niece and nephew. It went well all got along and nothing untoward happened. The hall was decorated and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. We were whipped, but things were going well. My mom had a bit of a scare which I was able to fix - as there had been a contractor on her house who had neglected to pay a bill and the supplier had threatened to put a lien on the house. Well I cleared up all of that and there is no lien on the house. It is free and clear. She wanted to know the gender and went back and forth about the sex of the NN. Which is quite comical to listen to. My mil of course wants a girl. My fil wants a baby and my mother wants a girl. So no pressure for the NN at all right?

Saturday came way too early and the pups were all discombobulated as they were not on their normal routine. Ernie's paw was doing well thank goodness and we made a make shift hood to keep him from licking it. He was less than thrilled with this turn of events, however it was effective. The shower started around 1 pm and family and friends started arriving. I was able to see quite a few people I haven't seen in a long time as well as some that I was happy to not have seen for a long time. Ultimately a good amount of people showed up less than 50 but more than 25. We received a ton of items and there were 3 little girls who helped out with the opening of presents. Two were my nieces P and C and the other was a little girl by name of Shyane who was a riot. She was 5 and just adorable and a sweetheart. When opening a card that had money in it she said - "If you open up another card with money in it... you'll be rich!" With big brown eyes and a sound of awe in her voice. This caused both D and myself to start laughing.

We gave both of our mom's cards which when opened announced... "It's A Boy!" With love from S & D and Samuel David.

Samuel David will be the NN name. This will probably be one of the few posts that has his name on it. His name is both our father's names... my dad's being first. We had debated about doing a third name like Landon Samuel David, however we couldn't agree on a name and the closer and more real this has become the more adamant D has become that the baby just be named Samuel David. He thinks my dad had a hand in this pregnancy. He also thinks my dad had a hand in the fact that this baby is a boy. He says this because my mom went on and on and on about having a girl. My dad always always always said - it doesn't matter, just that it's healthy. So since we think he wanted to remind mom of that statement. Gender truly does not matter just that this little one is healthy is truthfully all that matters to both D and myself. We're happy, but we would have been happy if he had been a girl as well. We're just happy to be here and to be this far along.

So now you know the rest of the story... as Paul Harvey would say- Good day!

Bloody Hell...

Because what would life be like without a dog trying to bloody the whole basement. Ernie decided to spaz in his kennel and ended up cutting his foot pad. I came home to find a bloody mess.

I love Ernie, but this freaking out in his kennel gets old. I have some tranquilizers from when the pups were fixed and maybe next time I have to go somewhere he'll get one of those. It's just not worth it to come home and find him a) miserable and b) bleeding. D goes - what are we going to do? I know it will get better once my mom is over here, but maybe we just need to clean fabulously and hope for the best by leaving him home alone out of his kennel for short periods of time.


In other news - NN is doing fine. It's breech right now, but no biggie on that front. No clue as to weight estimate. I did of course have a freaky dream last night/this morning which prompted me to be a bit panic stricken. Basically in the dream - my water broke and there was a foot. It gets better of course - wherever we were the hospital was being built or what not and there was only 1 doctor and no operating room or at least not a sterile clean one. Needless to say I woke up at that point. Talk about a weird dream. The pups woke me up and I was totally fine with that and glad I didn't jump back into that dream when I went back to sleep.

I am off to the other side of the state just until Sunday - I wish all of you could be there as I'm sure you would be way more fun than some of the family members that will.

Obla Dee Obla Dah...

Life goes on... Oh... Lalala life goes on... Sorry Ernie wanted to say hi... this was back in June when we went to the other side of the state. We'll have more after this trip. I'm sure the dogs will be quite photogenic.

Remember the song? Remember the show??? No? You don't remember Corky and Becca and their parents and Paige. Okay so I lived most of my teen years watching TV and reading books. I'm boring like that.

The beginning of this post is me and my personal freak outs... Don't mind the crazy lady - it's just me. The second part is puppy pictures. You've wanted them... now you have them.

One of the things that I struggle with is that right now as of this particular minute the NN is doing fine and I still feel like I'm waiting for a shoe or boulder to drop on me. D doesn't feel this way. I end up looking like the crazy one at doctor's appts, the freaking m*tern*ty store that I hate with a passion, and anywhere else when people start questioning me too much. I'm a snoop and read one of D's emails to a friend and he talked of my paranoid ways... and truthfully I wanted to punch him. I'm not a violent individual, however I wanted to punch him. It's one thing to say to me "Sami you're paranoid." It's a whole nother story to say it to someone else. His only saving grace was he didn't say it to his parents - that would have been grounds for a real throw down.

I know men and infertility and men and loss especially early losses like the ones we had react differently. D has always reacted differently to a pregnancy than I have. He was the optimist - which to know him is to find shocking. I am the pessimist. While I have no ill wishes for the NN I pray nightly that this will work out. D has this subtle confidence that it will. Once we got through the u/s that showed a heartbeat and then the first trimester he was on the bandwagon of everything will be fine. My freak out about the heart - didn't happen for him. However he was relieved that I had connections so we didn't spend 6 weeks in limbo! So there are some contradictions that occur. He just is of the opinion - it will all work out. Which is normally me - actually that is me in regards to the dogs and having all 6 of them.

He doesn't fret about things - I fret about the finances, I fret about what the heck I'm going to wear to this shower, I fret about the gifts that we'll receive because in my mind I have a replay of our bridal shower where we received I think 2 items off our registry and the rest including 3 electric skillets (already have one thanks) had to be regifted or returned because of course no one liked where we registered at. Ultimately it made me hate showers. I wasn't that keen on them in the first place. But when you have to regift, return, exchange, etc a good majority of the items you receive it's not fun.

This is the stuff infertility and recurrent loss has left me with... I wish I could have a shower where it was all my friends from the internet and it would have an open bar for those still in the trenches and the food would be fabulous. (now I know the food will be great at this real shower, but there won't be an open bar) Because honestly you all get me. Where as those that see me in real life - don't. They just don't get it anymore. They can't figure out why I'm still a little weird about the whole pregnancy thing. Why I'm counting down the weeks and going - phew 29 weeks is great, but 30 is better and so on and on and on.

I feel as if I'm in a leaky boat and I have a life jacket on and someone says - you're almost to the island - don't get lost. Since I have a shitty sense of direction I'm hoping that my compass will guide us to shore. To land... because ultimately we all want off the island. It's just that uncertainty of being kind of in limbo - you're planning for shore, you're planning to make land and sometimes along the way there still are rough waters or storms and your ability to handle them is a bit diminished since you're not on the island anymore, but you're not on land either. Make sense? Shitty analogy, but hopefully someone gets it.

So in closing... Life goes on right? That's what I'm doing just taking one day at a time. Trying to stay sane, still blogging, still reading and still here. Just a bit quieter - popping my head up and saying nothing to see here move along just seems so boring. Now for the puppy pictures!

This was Blue trying to sleep. Yes - he thought it would be a good idea to sleep like that.



Pepper, Blue & Lola in the back seat. Lola decided she'd rather sit with them and then push Blue off the seat than be up front with us.

Contrary to Popular Belief...

I do not have all the answers. I do not even act as if I have all the answers.

Granted - some people do think of me as a know it all, but seriously I am the first to admit when I do not know something. I'm also the first to ask for help if I need it. Yesterday found me fielding phone calls. Way too many phone calls.

I do not remember if I had mentioned a note my mother found about a month ago that she then sent me on a wild goose chase for. If I did I apologize in advance for the refresher. If I did not - here's the scoop. The note was from an insurance agent. Apparently my parents decided when I was born to buy a prepaid life insurance policy in my name. Considering all the early health issues I had (weird white counts due to drinking contaminated water at my preschool, strep infections from an early age leading to my tonsils and adenoids being removed at 5, multiple stitches - yes I was a clutz) this probably was a good idea. The policy number is missing on this note and of course the note does not have a date, just a monetary amount that at that time was still with the life insurance policy. I have contacted who I thought was the life insurance company and of course - they have no record of my parents or myself. I contacted the gentleman who had sent the letter - he's now retired, but remembers my parents - only clients he had in Sand Point and my dad as a "stocky and short guy that was really nice." Nicely sums up dad actually. I even contacted the man who had taken over for the gentleman as he is now retired and truthfully sounds about 70+ years of age or at least his wife did. My mom has been on my tookus about this. She also states that she never cashed in the policy and that I must have thrown it out when I cleaned out a bunch of things from her files when dad died.

While I did clean out a lot of things from my mom's stuff most of it was junk. I do not remember a life insurance policy for myself or I would have asked about it. I found my parents original divorce papers - and I think I threw them out as truthfully I do not want my brothers or sister to read the transcripts from their first marriage divorces. I read it and it made me ill. Neither of my parents first spouses were all that great. My dad's divorce papers had a write up by the social worker recommending my father to have sole custody and also how the final arrangements were made - my dad gave his first wife - cash, a car, a handgun, and stock options in order to have full custody of my brother - now granted some of this stuff my brother knows, but to see it in writing well that's just not something I would want to see if it was me. My mom's is not much better and documents some domestic violence issues. Ultimately my parents were much better off with each other than they ever were with their first spouses. So tossing those out when the divorces occurred in the early 70's seemed like the right thing to do. I think I also tossed out old cancelled checks from 1970, tax returns from the 1960's and well a few other things. My mom is a paperwork pack rat. So it's possible things are still there that I have to go through again and maybe I'll find the life insurance policy number. Boy would that make this wild goose chase easier. Apparently they will now have to go through the archives. This policy was taken out somewhere between 1978 and the early 80's. So none of it is on computer. Fun fun fun huh? Now granted if it means I end up with some money in the end - bonus. If not then I've put in all this effort for nothing.

The second phone call was from the gentleman that sold the policy - he wanted my birthdate as he was wracking his brain to remember more details.

The third phone call was to figure out how much barbecue pork is needed for the shower... we're having the woman who did our wedding reception make this as it was wonderful at the time. She's doing it as a favor for us. We greatly appreciate it.

The fourth phone call was to tell me that the transcript was done and how much it would cost. It of course did not leave an address where I was to send it to, so I had to call back to get those details - this morning will find me buying a money order and accomplishing what I need to do to get the transcript. Such a pita!

The fifth phone call was my mother trying to figure out who would pick up the barbecue and who would do this, that and the other thing in regards to the shower.

Yesterday all I was trying to do was shop for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes in general, but I REALLY hate shopping for clothes right now. Nothing fits right and that about sums it up. I farted around too long so I can no longer order the dress I was going to order because it is not available in my size any longer if I would have ordered it before I fell asleep this wouldn't be an issue as it was still available then. Now it's poof available in xs. Yeah uhmm not my size. Thanks for making me feel huge.

I came up with two alternatives... one is a denim wrap dress that I bought a while ago. It fits, it would work. The other is a dress by old navy that is not "ma*ernity" but it fits, is not awful, still not my ideal- I think it looks like a mumu this is it in dark chocolate though truthfully I think it's black with white flowers. D says it looks fine, but truthfully he tells me I look beautiful in a baggy t-shirt and boxer shorts so not a reliable critic. No it does not fall mid thigh, but more mid knee as I am a short gal. So that's a source of irritation. We shall see what I determine over the next few days. A large part of me after thinking about money etc says take the dress back and wear the denim wrap dress. It's not like I'll wear this dress other places. Granted it was cheap, but I can spend money on other things instead...

So your thoughts as always are appreciated. Fashion clueless in Michigan.

Just Doing His Job...

A few days ago a horrible thing occurred. A law enforcement officer was murdered. He was doing his job. His name was Robert Kozminski and he left behind a daughter.

I'm saddened for this family. For his parents, siblings, daughter, and I'm sure the mother of his daughter is also grieving. I hope I never am in this situation myself. Still it always reminds you when it hits closer than normal to home that it is a possiblity.

I don't generally worry about D and what he does. The same can be said about D's concern about me and my job. We both know the risks that are associated with our chosen professions. I had greater risks when I worked as a paramedic and when I contemplated flight nursing one of the questions that was asked was - what does your family think of you choosing to do this? My response was the same... D feels as if he has no room to judge. His job does carry an amount of risk to his life and limb. I have never said to him "why don't you become an accountant, it's safer." Being in law enforcement is a part of who D is. I wouldn't trade him for the world. It's the same for him. I'm a nurse. I'm a paramedic. If I chose to be a flight nurse he would have supported me 100%. The only question he would have asked was what is the helicopters safety record. It's as simple as that. We recognize that both of us love our professions. Even on the bad days and since we love each other we would never dream of asking the other to quit what they loved. Pretty simple huh... tell that to D's family. They don't understand his love of law enforcment. I think they would be happier if he was a firefighter. D likes firefighting, but he loves law enforcement.

D hates domestic violence calls... I used to too when I worked as a paramedic. For the same reasons that D hates them... people in those situations are usually volatile and unpredictable. Nine times out of ten things will go fine, but there's always that one in ten that don't. You always hope when you receive that call that today is not the one out of ten.

So please - say a prayer for this gentleman as well as his coworkers and fellow officers. Remember cops are not out to get you. If you follow the law they leave you alone... it's when you don't that they have to do their job.

3 Dogs In the Bed and the Littlest One Said...

I'm crowded... roll over... so they all rolled over and one fell out...

Remember the song on Sesame Street about the bears in the bed. No?? Well I do. Right now I'm experiencing this phenomenon with Ernie, Megan and Lola in bed with me. Lola is a bed hog. Megan is a bed hog who also tends to pedal with her paws kicking you. Ernie wants to be right next to you. So where the heck am I to sleep?

Normally our king size bed has D, Lola and myself in it. It works usually. Ernie is generally on the floor until we fall asleep then he sneaks his 84 lb body into the bed. Sometimes the sneaking works. Sometimes we wake up and say get in your bed Ernie. Ultimately it depends on how much he wants to crowd us out. Lola during the summer months is not as great to have in the bed as one might think. She's a heat hound and adds degrees to an already warm situation.

So this is my sleeping arrangment. Yes - it is what it is and it is what we make of it. Normally this is not a problem. This morning my allowing Meg and Ernie in the bed means that when D gets home Ernie will hopefully sleep in his bed, Meg in her kennel and Lola well Lola will sleep wherever she darn well pleases. She's a queen you know. Drama queen that is.

My mother left on Wednesday to go home. We were able to accomplish quite a few things while she was here. Not that there are not a lot more things that need to be accomplished because they do.

Stuff about pregnancy is coming...










We're pretty boring here. I have my appointment on July 25th that will also include another look at the NN. The shower is slated for July 28th and truthfully I have no idea what to wear or even buy to wear or even how I could look marvelous. Renovations are occurring with the NN but that whole "popping" thing is not apparent yet. I'm fine with that. D's fine with that. Everyone else - is apparently waiting with bated breath for me to suddenly pop and make it apparent that I am indeed pregnant rather than fluffy.

I can still sleep on my stomach. Please don't hate me. My body is just weird. Although we've known that for a while now right?

I'll be 28 weeks on Sunday and I feel like I can at the very least take a deep breath and go - phew. Likelihood of survival at this point is way better and while a NICU stay is not something I want, at least I know what I would be in for as I've taken care of 28 weekers. However the NN has been given strict orders to keep it's ass inside until at least 36 weeks. I'm trying to get all things arranged for the whole fmla and such. D's work paperwork is awful. It makes no sense. Although mine is not much better.

We're trying to figure out who will take care of the 6 dogs when we go to have the NN. I'm tempted to talk to both my mom and D's dad to make sure a plan is in place. I worry about my dogs and I know D doesn't want to have to worry about them while we're trying to have the NN. Boarding the animals is not an option - 6 dogs plus boarding expenses = way too expensive. That and half of our dogs can't have the kennel cough vaccine as they're allergic. Yes - my dogs are pansies.

We'll figure it out. We always do.

Next week I'm going to try and post some pics of all the dogs. They are so beautiful and such characters... I know I haven't done a post just about dogs in a while. I plan on doing that soon.

Finally normal... at least for the moment.

Just an FYI - if you're in the trenches there will be stuff about the NN at the end. I'll give warning when I get there.

House cleaning is underway. Actually D and I are really not the ones behind this drive, but my mom is. Mom loves to clean. She also loves to iron and fold laundry. I'm not kidding. My dad drew the line when my mom started ironing his underwear as he worked road construction and who needs starched undies? She used to iron the sheets. She no longer does these things, however she irons all her clothes. My sister takes after my mom. I don't. I can't live up to that cleanliness. I can't even live up to all that ironing. So housekeeping wise I'm much more relaxed than both my mother and my sister.

It means that I have chaos where they have control. I prefer the term controlled chaos. Which is also how I refer to my job in the ICU. Seriously - when the poop hits the fan it's a controlled chaos if all are on board. Just a side note... I hate the month of July. Two words - new residents. I know one thing for certain - I do not plan on getting sick during the month of July. It's just not the time of year that you want to deal with fresh faced recent graduates of medical school that do not look old enough to shave their legs or their faces. Boy - do I sound old or what?

So my house is being wrestled into submission by my mom. I'm letting her do her thing. My mom is a notorious snoop so sometimes it's fun to hide things and see if she finds them and then see if she asks about the items. So far any inappropriate items she has not asked about. She may wait until D goes to work to do that.

The dogs all adore her. They follow her around and stare at her and just universally adore her. It's comical.

Now for the normal part... because 6 dogs is never normal.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Yesterday was one of our prenatal visits. I had to do the gestational diabetes screen and also have a blood count checked. Let me just say about that GD screen - that 50 grams of glucose is awful. I was fine until about one hour after drinking it then all I wanted to do was throw up. I felt awful. I did check my fingerstick blood sugar after the 1 hour mark in the hopes that I would be able to figure out if I was "close" to the pass/fail. My blood sugar 1 hour after by fingerstick was 130. So I was hopeful I would pass, but stranger things have happened. The lab tech said - oh you'll get your results in 48-72 hours what with the holiday. Yeah uhm not acceptable. This is one of the reasons why I always have things drawn and faxed to me. It's simpler. I hate waiting for a phone call where they say - all is fine without any details. I'm a nurse for goodness sake and I want numbers. I want concrete information. These are the people who will say "congrats you're pregnant" and not leave a beta hcg number. Unacceptable in my world. I also requested the complete blood count as my history of ITP at least warrants checking on those bugger platelets.

The rest of the appointment was fine. We'll have another u/s at our next appointment so that we can view all the heart structures. We did not disclose our echo done by my doctor friend. It was off the record remember. Weight gain, heartrate 150, measuring fine.

I did finally receive the results for the GD screen after calling and leaving a message. 119 - so I passed. This of course does not mean I'll be going out and having 10 sundaes, but it means I could if I wanted to. My hemoglobin was 12 and my platelets were 204. 204 is a very good number as I've not seen that since I was probably 15. My numbers tend to be in the high 80's to mid 100's. However in pregnancy I have noticed that my platelet counts tend to be higher than they normally are - but with ITP things can change quickly and dramatically. No one knows why my counts look so good and truthfully I'm just going to be happy that they are.

So for now... all is normal and quiet at the six canine house...

Friends- I've missed you...

In real life I have a limited amount of friends. By friends I mean people I whole heartedly trust with the truth and who I do not sugar coat a thing. It's not that I'm not friendly - okay maybe I'm not. I tend to look at people as if they've grown 2 heads when I see them act in a manner that well I just can't do. So there are few friends that are coworkers and truthfully my true friends are always there for me so branching out and becoming "more popular" really isn't something I think of doing. I'm a take me as I am kind of woman and it's pretty much take it or leave it. I will admit to being way too open about some things and way too closed off about others - it's my own personal quirk.

However - when I started blogging and started branching out I found a community of mostly women who I felt if I had met them in real life I would have been able to be friends with them. The first is DD who is recently back from vacation. I've missed her wit and sarcasm and just her. The second is Dino D who just welcomed her daughter into the world - shh she doesn't like attention and likes to stay low on the radar, however her bite really isn't that bad :) Both of these women are amazing. I am fairly certain that I would be able to enjoy myself with them if we were to meet in real life and I am fairly certain I would NOT look at them as if they've grown 2 heads.

Ultimately I'm glad they're both back and blogging. I've missed them. Boy do I sound like a sap.

Now on with the real thoughts- regarding battle axe - aka grandma. D has not called her. D does not plan to. D almost bought her a totally inappropriate card to send to her as a way to say "f off". I reigned him in. Primarily because I know as well as you that I would be the one to take the blame for that one - you know me and my liberal ways. I've tried to get D to call his mom and was met with resistance. Normally D and his mom are close. However his mom has a very bad tendency to stick her head in the sand and right now D is over the whole blindness that apparently afflicts his family. However at times he's also afflicted with it. He's kind of going with the whole - lets ignore it and maybe it'll go away thought process that and talking to my mother and trying to pin her feelings down is like trying to wrestle with an alligator, but a lot less bloody. I am of the lets throw the bomb in and see what casualties we can have repaired before too long - this could of course just be me being cranky. In other news - the transcript will be here before the shower. I am awaiting a price which I then have to send in and then they will type it up and send it to me. I will then hand it to D and he will then handle the matter with his family. My mom is well aware of this situatioin and asked what D hopes to accomplish from this. D wants his dad in particular to understand why he feels the way he does. I don't know if the transcript will help or not, but I know I'm going to give it my best shot so my husband will quit feeling as if he has to justify his feelings in the matter. Family stuff sucks.

Thank goodness my family is currently behaving themselves, though truthfully this whole b*by shower stuff is hard for me to deal with. Apparently I am supposed to have an opinion. I don't, but what the heck. My mom is here for at least a few more days - so Ernie is acting like an idiot. The puppies adore her and Lola and Chance are battling it out to see who gets to sleep with her. Meg just comes and lays on her lap. My mom is universally adored. D and mom had fun shopping yesterday - though D kept losing her. Only to come find me and ask - have you seen your mom?

D keeps talking about when my mom will live with us. He's looking forward to it. Trying to talk her out of making a rash decision in regards to a house and just enjoying having her here visiting. It is so different from when his parents are here. We've actually accomplished some things like - emptied out the closet in the NN room and actually having a clean floor and semi clean kitchen. It's amazing what my mom's motivation will do to D. It's like having a cleaning husband which is great. He vacuumed, he dusted. He DUSTED... again nice.

Not much else going on here... work has called twice this weekend - Friday and Saturday in the hopes I would come in. Nope... didn't. I have a stupid class I must take before the NN arrives that work has scheduled for 9 days before the NN arrival is estimated to arrive. If I don't take the class and I expire then I'll have to pay for it. So I'm looking into other ways of taking it - namely my paying for it. Such a pain. We shall see.

Zero tolerance and... It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...

This week has been interesting - I've had to argue with our flexible spending account and am in the process of trying to make that all work out. I've got to still get the piece of paper to prove that our "prescription toothpaste prevedent" is actually what we purchased.

I've been playing phone tag with the county clerk as we're trying to get a transcript of "pe*ophile cousins" plea hearing. I've spoken to an assistant district attorney and know the full details of the crime he committed. The reason why we're going to this length is that D's family still does not understand why we are staying away. We both do not want my in laws to feel as if we're staying away from them, but we can not and will not go to family functions until we are assured he will not be there. We will NOT expose our child to this individual and we hope that when they learn the extent of his crime they will feel the same way. Taking this stance in a family that tends to put their head in the sand is difficult. We're the bad guys right now. The story that was told to my in laws is much different than what actually happened. We've been fighting this battle for about 2 years now and while I'm tired of it, I also know I am not giving up the fight. If it is one of the last things I do for D - this is important that his father understands. I don't think he really cares if his mom does as he feels she has been brainwashed for too many years to be able to take the hard line that we have. D's dad is hopefully able to read the transcript and understand that what he was told was a lie... a cover... a white wash of what actually happened. Everyone seems to forget that D is a cop and I am a nurse and that both of us deal with children that are abused on a way too frequent basis. Even if we didn't we would feel the same way. Zero tolerance... that is what we have.

In other news we've manage to piss off grandma again. Grandma being D's grandma. I prefer the term battle axe and old b*tch. Spiteful vindictive woman... No I don't have any anger at this woman at all? Her sil - D's great aunt was admitted to the hospital - we had no idea of this until she was transferred to a larger hospital and into their ICU. We were getting sketchy reports as to why she was in ICU and after a phone call to the hospital I learned she was in "guarded" condition. That's better than critical, but not as good as stable. She's old. She's frail. She sends us Christmas cards every year and she also inquires about us. She has always been nice to me when at family gatherings and actually interacted with both D and myself. She genuinely cared. We didn't feel it was fake. We still do not. I did not talk to great aunt, but I did send an "e-greeting" to the hospital as they offered this as an option. It was maybe 2 sentences. D's great aunt and grandma truthfully don't get along all that well - grandma is b*tchy to everyone so this is not a surprise. Well great aunt was tickled by our "e-greeting" and said something to grandma about it. Grandma apparently was "hurt" that we had not sent her a card. A) she's not in the hospital, b) she never sends us cards and c) she's awful to me. Why would I send a card? My fil said "well she didn't say it, but I can read her mind and it really bothers her that D doesn't come to family functions and doesn't call." First - D didn't call before all of the above occurred and second - she's not in the hospital. If she was she'd get an "e-greeting" as well. I've since sent out a get well card to great aunt... I'm sure that will send grandma about over the edge. Piss me off and I'll send a get well card or sympathy card to her as well.

D's dad asked me to talk to D and see if he would call grandma. I laughed at this because seriously does he think I am the puppet master? I handed the phone to D and D responded to his dad with - I'll put it on my list - it's right beneath fixing that pipe in the basement that leaks that I still haven't fixed in the 2 years we've lived here. (No D isn't angry at all.) He's so happy we live over here rather than over there.

Who would have thought I'd say "thank goodness my family is "normal" Because normal is not the word to use to describe my family. So - who wants to take bets as to whether grandma will be at the baby shower? At this point I'm hoping for not.

On to the second half - It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
*Pregnancy crap and paranoia ahead - be prepared*




After that conference in June I decided I needed to check out the M.I.S.S Foundation forums to see if I would find a home. A place that people would understand what I was feeling. While I know my losses were all early, my family losses tend to leave you with that inability to catch your breath just at the thought. It took me a bit, but after lurking for a while I posted my thoughts. The response I got was what I needed... it's normal. Because voicing the thoughts I've had seriously to "normal" people tends to leave them looking at you as if you've lost your freaking mind. While I know I haven't, it means I watch my words very carefully - even in this forum. I don't want smoke blown up my tookus - I want honesty. Sunday or Monday I didn't notice movement and of course a coworker had had the unlucky timing of mentioning that her daughter's gymnastic teacher had had a stillborn at 24 weeks this week and how awful that was. I came home that morning because of course NN was being a pita and not moving around like normal and grabbed the doppler out and found the heartbeat. I haven't pulled that out in a while so this was a new development. I posted this story in the forum and I finally heard "this is so normal". I needed that. I needed that because truthfully if I would have told this story to my OB he probably would have looked at me sideways and I would have had to kick him. I also know I didn't mention it to my coworkers because - again - they then look at me as if I have suddenly sprouted 2 heads.

No - I'm not comfortable with talking as if everything will be great. Primarily for the jinx factor. We're going through the motions that we are on the path of all being fine, but we are not in a comfortable state and I doubt we will be until the arrival of the NN. Making plans for the NN arrival means we talk quietly and D nags me to get on the ball about listening to the hypnobirthing cd's I should be listening to. Ultimately it means we do what is comfortable for us and what causes the least amount of anxiety. I forget that I am pregnant sometimes. My boobs are still out farther than my belly and truthfully I just look like I have a spare tire around my lower abdomen. I don't rub my belly like some pregnant women do when out in public. I don't do it because it's not something I do and also because I don't want to attract attention. Going into baby stores causes both of us anxiety - when someone asks when are you due?- we both go "God willing 9/30." Again - weird looks from store clerks. We've refused to get on mailing lists because I know how Mandy felt when things started arriving on her due date. Educating clerks about these things is always interesting. It makes me seem bitchy and paranoid and truthfully - I'm okay with that.

Ultimately in other forums - rather than this blog I do think of the happy ending.. I just can't put a voice to it yet. I probably won't be able to until the NN is here.