Pillow Top Mattress

I'm a pillow whore... I love pillows. My bed usually has a ton of pillows on them.

Today when I went to the RE's office I was hoping that we'd find a pillow top mattress (uterine lining) with at least 2-3 pillows on top.

Well... what we got was a pillow top mattress - endometrial lining was 10.2. I have never had 10.2. 10.2 is something that hasn't happened in all our cycles so I assume the estrace is working which is a good thing. I will be taking the estrace until a pregnancy test so we shall see kind of thing.

The pillow top was missing something... it only had one lonely little follicle on my left ovary that measured about 16.5. On the right ovary I think I had two other follicles she measured but they were only 8-9 so my left ovary sucked up the gonal-f. I think that I do better if you start at a lower stim than a higher stim so if we are a bust this next cycle we'll do that because both cycles we've started me at this higher dose I've managed 1 follicle rather than 2-3. I'm not being pessimistic, just remembering that things don't always go well for us. I'm hoping that the lining issue means we've reached a hurdle and that we'll manage to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I just have to have a plan for the what if's. What if this cycle is a bust? What if we have a chemical pregnancy? What if... it's better to know what you'll do than to wait until you have to know what you'll do. At least that's the case in my world.

I prefer to think of it as warding off evil spirits. Trigger is tomorrow. Then we wait.

Conversations and a Rant

Lets get the rant out of the way first... I hate hate hate hate hate hate that D is working days. I hate this for purely selfish reasons... his working days is messing with my sleep cycle. Currently it is 10:48 a.m. and I'm awake. I have to work tonight - this is not good... Not good at all. I have to work the next 4 nights which again today is day 1. This blows... seriously. The dogs are confused, my body is confused... I hate that he's working days.

Okay rant over... on to the conversations part...

This would be a transcript of recent phone conversations with my mother and D's response to these conversations.

S - We have to pay x money to the RE before we can get an appt?
Mom - Are you going to pay it? I can get money out...
S - it's already paid and no you don't need to help.
Mom - well if this crap keeps up I'll never have a grandchild.

D's response to hearing of this conversation... it's not for lack of effort on our part... Oh wait well maybe last month lacked effort, but all the other months I've had effort.

*edited to add - we actually found this particular conversation hillarious and D's response to me on the telling of the conversation was very funny because now he's openly admitting that that whole switch to days really messed him up last month. I wasn't offended by it and in fact know my mom would move heaven and earth if she could to make this easier for us as I'm pretty sure she figures it's her genes that have caused this snafu so to speak -though there is no proof of that. *

Mom - I signed a contract to have the roof done.
S - that's great
Mom - Do you think D will be mad? Do you think he'll think that's okay?
S - he'll think that's great
Mom - Are you sure? Can you ask him?
S- He won't care he'll just be happy that he doesn't have to fix the roof.
Mom - Oh - goodbye I have to get ready for church.

D's response - that's great why does she think I'll be mad again? S- no clue... she wants your approval though - can you call her?

This morning 5:40 a.m. phone call from my mom...

Mom - Did you ask him?
S- how about you talk to him...
Imagine grouchy husband not thrilled about being handed the phone at 5:40 a.m. when he hasn't even had his coffee yet.

Mom - no idea what she says as D has the phone
D- I haven't even had my damn coffee yet... I'll be leaving for work in about 40 minutes... yes that's great that you got the contract for the roof and it's gauranteed. Yes, I'll help with fixing the ceiling... no I don't know when, but I'll get it done. I promise. Now would you please focus on driving and get yourself safely to work... love you too.

You have to understand something... My mom adores D. She loves him as much as she loves me. D and her get along very well... in spite of my mom's zany quirks D is able to navigate and defuse any bombs she might have lingering around. D is fondly called "you asshole" and my mom is called "the crazy lady" in front of her and neither is offended. I always dreamed that the person I married would get along with my mom... I never realized how much pressure that takes off of me by having it true. Our relationship is enhanced by the fact that she gets along with D... D cares about my mom and worries about her. Fears that she'll be taken advantage of by a brother of mine that I refer to as the jackass. D loves my mom's craziness and zany quirks... he's just not thrilled with her 5:40 a.m. phone calls. I need to remind her to start calling D's phone rather than mine :D

Coffee Shop?

I'm fairly open about our reproductive issues... why bother hiding it and it also tends to shut people up when they ask "So when are you two going to have a baby?" I always love the shock factor and well saying - we're habitual aborters and we'll have a child when the stars align and my uterus is a warm an inviting place - definitely is a shock factor.

Anyways the point is that I ran into someone I know at the RE's office yesterday. I knew that they were having difficulties from a mutual friend, however I didn't know to what extent etc... it was a weird, uncomfortable moment when they looked up and said my name... weird as in how do you handle that one? We talked for a bit and I wished them luck. I hope I handled it right. I just don't know.

It's simpler when it's a woman that's the friend... this was a guy that I've known for about 8 years... and I have a lot of respect for him and don't want to butt into his business... I'd like to give him support, but it's weird, it's just not a smooth transition.

Example of a different friend... she and I used to work together... both of us go to the same clinic. She and I talked about everything when we saw each other on Friday. It was comfortable, no embarrassment, no awkwardness. She told me what her plans for the upcoming cycle was and I told her mine...

Infertility is hard... and you can't pretend that you ran into someone in a coffee shop when it's the RE's office... wouldn't that be nice. If only they installed a coffee bar and bookstore at the RE's office... then I could pretend.

Change In Plans and Question?

We were supposed to be gone for a few days to the other side of the state... the purpose - to get Megan fixed and to visit family. Plans have changed... One of D's coworkers is ill so he has picked up an extra shift to help out.

D also felt bad as he was supposed to also set up my screening u/s for this morning when he paid the "bill". He didn't realize this until Saturday night when he told me. Not to worry - the RE's office though a bit irked at my 3rd party administrator they were able to fit me in for my scan.

So the protocol for this cycle... since my lining has been an issue and seriously my estradiol results have been pretty puny they have decided to try estrace in addition to the gonal-f... can't hurt. If you can picture me shrugging you'd be about right. We shall see what next Monday brings kind of thing. In the meantime I will be shooting up at 150 for the next 7 days. Fun fun fun... I start the estrace on Thursday - up the cooter so to speak. On the bright side - the estrace is blue... so this should be interesting.

Oh yes and not to be left out the 3rd party... spoke with them today. Informed them of how much I've paid... and she goes "You've paid too much." DUH!!!! Hello??? I was civil. I responded I know - however YOU haven't paid the RE and the RE would not allow me to schedule another appt until I paid the RE. So he's paid... now send me my money. We paid off our "tab" at the RE's office and then faxed the receipts for that to the 3rd party. I anticipate a check from them in oh... 2007. Actually about a week... hopefully sooner. I think they don't like dealing with me, though the chick on the phone answered like we were old friends even pronouncing my name correctly. D started laughing. After the call - he goes - it was like she knew you. Ya think? I've only talked with her at least once a week since August. Nincompoops!

On to the question... if everyone isn't bored already here goes.

Imagine this conversation - on your way home from the RE's office.

D- Look at the geese.
S- When geese fly south where exactly do they go?
D - I don't know... they just go south. You need to blog about this...
S - don't worry I will... take it you don't know?
D- Ask Dr. Google...

So - I did indeed ask Dr. Google who truthfully was not as informative as I hoped... I imagined that maybe there'd be a specific state that the geese of my state would go to... Nope... they just go South. No special place that they all congregate to spend their winters... I was very disappointed. However I have done my duty and blogged about it to satisfy my husband. In retrospect that conversation was definitely funnier during it than reading about it. I guess you had to be there... we were both pretty slap happy.

Off to take my gonal-f - I think I'll have to find a suitable chaser for that - something alcoholic in nature maybe? Suggestions?

A Decision Has Been Reached

I did the math... I hate math.

However the math didn't lie... If we were to go au natural this cycle if we didn't end up pregnant or had another chemical we would not have enough time to take advantage of the RE's office to bill our insurance. I'm not looking forward to paying up front then waiting to be reimbursed... (I'm dealing with that with the 3rd party assholes so why would I want to deal with both the 3rd party assholes and my insurance company?) Easy choice once you put it in that light... Or at least it was for D and I...

We will be going forward with this cycle with meds - whatever meds I'm not totally sure of... it'll either be a pure gonal-f, femara/gonal-f, or femara alone... I'm leaning towards femara/gonal-f personally. I figure it can't hurt right? Though I do have about 1800 of gonal - f sitting in my fridge... So we shall see what Dr. Smartypants wants to do...

In the meantime I'm trying to gather all the crap I need to argue on the phone come Monday morning. I can be pleasant right? I believe the words - what day will the check be mailed out come to mind.

D already took the liberty of asking the RE's office to print out a tallyied bill as well as to show when we've made payments etc. This way we can fax that on Monday morning to the incompetent 3rd party. What a bunch of nincompoops...

Off to clean, shop, etc

3rd Party Administrators SUCK

I believe I've mentioned before that D's new insurance leaves a lot to be desired? No??? Surely you jest... I know I have at some point mentioned it.

Anyways yesterday during a break for the class I was teaching I made the call to the RE's office to schedule a "screening u/s". I was told I had to speak with billing before doing so... great just great. I apparently had to pay x dollars before I could schedule an appt... x dollars about sent me through the roof... see I'm fine with paying 20% I'm even fine with paying our deductible which is 250... I'm not fine with paying x dollars as it's more than 20% and it's definitely above and beyond my deductible... I about started crying. (Those that know me in real life know that tears mean war)

A frantic phone call to D - while still on break as I didn't have my credit card and couldn't run to get it while teaching the class and of course the class wouldn't be done until late in the day so the office would be closed when I finally could get to my credit card - led to D having his jaw hit the steering wheel while at work and for him to also start cursing. It was nice to have someone else be as irritated as I was.

Now my loving husband has never really had to deal with insurance issues... This was a first for him. He needed to talk to the insurance person at work and find out EXACTLY what percent was covered... and also to find out from the RE's office exactly what the freaky people at the 3rd party payor paid and covered etc etc. Can I just say that the 3rd party sucks. Seriously... they suck.

Last week I had to have D fax a check that we had paid the RE's with so that they could refund us 80% of the check... I have yet to receive the check. I had D fax bills that the RE's office sent to them that they have yet to pay. Seriously - what kind of business are they running. I am thoroughly irritated, frustrated etc. I want to choke the chick at the 3rd party that I talked to the other day and who I will be probably be talking to on Monday. Give me an f'ing break - DO YOUR JOB! Don't make me do your job... because believe me I can get uglier.

So... then I found out that the x amount I told D had jumped up as the RE's office had just finished opening the mail when D called and x had turned into xx. We were allowed to pay x, and xx - x has to be paid by Nov 2. D scheduled my u/s... I started hyperventilating. Thank goodness my class was over and on the way home I thought... I know we can pay this... that's not the point. The point is we SHOULD NOT HAVE TO.

D apparently talked to the insurance HR person at his work and she said... you should have seen what I had to do when I was going through cancer treatments... D's jaw dropped and said "Then why the hell does this company keep this 3rd party system?" Because the place he works at is great for some things, but not so great in this area... they are afraid of change. They were told that this whole 3rd party system meant that the insurance while good was cheaper than if they did it another way. D's former employer had similar insurance but without the 3rd party... and if they could do that and stay afloat then I don't see how the heck his current employer who gets the insurance from the same place as the old employer can even think this is reasonable. D says it's because they're lazy - they don't want to go through the effort to find a new insurance... I told D - I'll do the research for them if that's the case... ask them who do I call for them. I'll do it for FREE... just so I don't have to deal with this 3rd party crap ever again.

I know I could find them a deal - probably with the same league that they're using now... but I doubt that D will a) offer me up and b) even if he did that they'd take him up on the offer...

So for now... I am torn - do I pay xx and go on with this cycle (I assume af will be here on Monday which is when that u/s is scheduled) or do I say screw that and cancel the appt take this month off of meds and just do PIO after ovulation... but wait here's the deal. I've met my deductible so now that whole 3rd party... doesn't count anymore - it just goes straight from the insurance company to my RE's office rather than through the whole other system... and Dec 1 is looming when the RE's office will no longer participate with my insurance. Decisions decisions... I have tonight to make my decision. D is of the "we'll do whatever you want to do" position.

*I just want to add I'm all about affordable healthcare... I am not all about this 3rd party system that means our EOB's go to the 3rd party and then they eventually pay them. The EOB's they never come to me... unless I call and ask for them. I've had to circumvent the system and go online - sign up for the EOB's online - download them then unsign up for the EOB's... our insurance company thinks our address and phone number is the 3rd party rather than our own address. *

On to Cycle 19, 20 whatever...

I did the beta... It was negative.

I was not surprised by these results... it kind of helps if you actually attempt to procreate on the days that the doctor tells you. With D's switch to the day shift my husband who is normally - kind, sweet, horny became a whiny, pouty, assexual creature... I didn't recognize him. Seriously and I don't think I've ever been as ticked off at him as I was the day I told him we HAD to have sex and he said "I'm too tired." It was bound to happen in 19-20 months of trying this is the ONLY time that has happened. He was shocked by his response - a week later of course. He's been trying to make it up to me as well...

So we will get the proverbial show going shortly... and for one specific friend actually I think there were two of you out there that wondered if I always walked around with HCG in my system the answer is no. The results today were <1... can't we just put 0 on there and call it good?

I'm not sure if we'll be doing an injectable cycle, an injectable and femara cycle or a straight femara cycle... we shall see. I'll know more this weekend sometime I assume.

Dodged a bullet...

That's certainly how it felt when I read the message on a bulletin board...

No blockages...

That's a great thing... what that doesn't give us is an answer as to why my friend had a heart attack at a young age... what that means is off with the bcp's that she had started and that she's probably quite a bit freaked... I don't blame her. I would be too.

But... right now I feel as if we dodged a bullet. My friend is here. She'll be able to hug her son tonight when she goes to bed... give her husband a kiss as well... and those are beautiful things. It reminds me that there are worse things in life other than not having a baby... it would suck to not have that friend. That doesn't mean I don't want a baby because hello... Of course I want a baby... but I would never want a baby more than I want my friend and her family to stay whole.

As if drama wasn't the cup of the day at the casa del quatro canine's... another friend is apparently on the preeclamptic breech baby watch fest... Don't these people know that I have enough crap to do during the end of my two week wait that seriously fretting about them is just going to cause my GERD to flare up. So bloodtests await... hopefully flipping occurs (on the butterball's own rather than with the help of medical intervention) and hopefully the pressures come down... Until then I have the quatro canines with their paws crossed and looking angelic... for both my friends because these are great ladies and I'd like a) answers for one and b) some gestational positivity for the other one...

I so don't make sense when I've been up working all night with children... This is of course the end result...

Prayers Needed For a Friend

I know I normally don't ask for something like this, but this is a special situation... one of my online buddy group buddies has apparently had a heart attack. She's doing fine, but prayers are needed for my friend... prayers, wishes, hope etc. She's got a 9 month old and a loving husband. She's a great friend, a great mom, a great nurse. The ironic thing is that she's young... she's barely 30 and in the last 6-8 months she's done a complete dietary change to the healthy side... she's dropped 50 lbs, gained muscle, endurance etc... and now this. I'm a bit shocked by the news. It's definitely made me put down the cookie.

So if you could... I'd appreciate if you send up a prayer for my friend. She's a great gal. I know you guys would like her if you knew her.

A Postage Stamp

"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there."
– Josh Billings

Maybe I'm a postage stamp and I just never knew it... I think it sums up the last 19 months don't you? I like that analogy more so than the one where I'm furiously banging my head against a wall over and over and over again.

I think my husband would probably refer to me as a dachshund that is searching for food... they never give up if they smell it. Or at least mine don't.

Did anyone else watch the Today show when they had the segment on surrogacy? I cried. The entire time. I also was so overwhelmed by the thought of that nurse offering herself up as a surrogate. A friend of ours has offered to do this, but I think in Michigan surrogacy is well... not legal or at least all the information I've found online says it isn't. I'm just not there yet either in my thoughts or feelings about it to say - lets try that. Besides what if it's just me and my crappy eggs as the problem rather than me and my crappy motel mattress uterus? Then surrogacy wouldn't fix it. You can read Meredith's blog about this subject here I also learned that she suffered from RPL as well... so that makes her one of us. I for one have always liked her when I watched her so I'm glad to see that she's bringing infertility and pregnancy loss to the morning show. I think this is one way to have our voices be heard and in a positive light.

Today is October 15th a day to remember Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I know that I do not need a special day to remember my losses, but it's nice to know that there is a day set aside for just that.

The Whole Family

This picture so far is as good as it gets... getting everyone to sit next to one another only happens when we are in bed. By the way I'm not changing the blog name in spite of the number of dogs in our household having changed. I would like to figure out how to cross out the 3 and put a 4 there but I doubt I'm that html literate to figure that one out.

All four are finally starting to play with one another. Lola has gotten her nose back in place and apparently realized we have more than enough love for her and her siblings... and that Megan wasn't going anywhere that she was staying for the long haul.

Having four dogs I think makes this a pack of dogs. Fortunately they usually are not wild and they love to sleep. I currently have three dogs in bed with me. Chance cannot sleep in the bed because when under the covers and he cannot see who steps on him he lashes out... after being nipped a few times D has banned him from the bed unless you are awake and can watch out for someone stepping on Chance. Chance I think prefers his kennel due to the privacy factor - it's the only time he can be alone. Otherwise he's got Lola in there with him when we go any place.

The Something In The Works

I didn't realize I would cause that much of a stir with the something in the works... So I shall give the background so you know how this came to be.

Thursday night last week I received an email from a list I'm on about weims. No biggie - generally I scan the digest and read what I need to know, look at the pics etc. A plea for help was one of the emails... I read the email, showed D the email and we both looked at each other and he said maybe we can help this woman.

The plea was for a home for one of 10 dogs. All I knew was that their owner had to find homes for her dogs and that she lived in my state and conveniently we would be on the side of the state that the dogs were being kept on Sunday. I contacted the person who sent out the email, got the owner's number and tried to call.

It took us until Saturday to get a hold of one another... the dog that we had been interested in had been adopted, but there were others to chose from and we decided (D and I) that we would go, see if any of the dogs felt right for our family and go from there. Keeping an open mind that we might not be coming home with a dog, but open to the possibility if that were the case.

After speaking with the owner who was also a breeder and a shower of weims I felt as if we had to at least go and see if it might be possible for us to help her out. She had become ill in January or February and almost died from sepsis... (a potentially lethal infection) hers was systemic and she was hospitalized for quite a long time. She lost her home and had to ask friends to take in her dogs and she could only keep 3 of her 13 dogs. The only reason why she was keeping the 3 was due to their ages. They were far too old to try and have them adjust to a new home... This woman loved each and every one of her dogs. She cried on the phone... I cried on the phone. The thought of having to give away any of my puppy dogs breaks my heart. These are members of my family... it would be awful.

D after hearing the story - said we have to see if we can find at least one that would work. I raised my eyebrows at least one? His words were "If we had a ton of money - I'd just give her money so she could keep her dogs and not have to give them away... instead we're going to help her to find a good home for at least one of her dogs." Okay...

Sunday came and we were off after D got out of work. Car fully loaded with 3 dogs, our clothes, some food, etc. We arrived at 8 pm. We were choosing between two of the dogs... One was 2.5 years old and the other was 7 years old.... one was not spayed, one was spayed. Both dogs would have been wonderful to have... I couldn't make the decision as to which dog to go with... I made D do it. I couldn't. I would take both of them home... forget infertility meds... I'd make it work. D the voice of reason - made the decision after the older dog went after Lola during the meeting.

Megan is our newest addition to the family. She's 2.5 years old, grey in color, and 45 lbs. She's a gentle, sweet, loving dog... who now hates cats due to D's old cat who put a whooping on poor Megan. She's slowly adjusting to life with us. We're adjusting as well. It's going well so far.

Megan still needs to go to obedience class, but other than that she's very well behaved. She's a bit food aggressive and a sneaky little buggar. Ultimately Megan has made our brood a bit bigger, but we don't regret it. Not even for a second.... and that is a good thing.

Will Be Away

As the title says... we will be away for a few days. Apparently my mom has disconnected the internet (in her words - I don't use it so why keep paying for it) she of course also pointed out that she doesn't even know how to connect. Which all of these things is true. So I will be internet less for a few days. Most likely till Tuesday night/Wednesday day. I'm not sure when we'll be leaving to come back exactly.

We also have something in the works...but I don't know if it will happen or if we will pass on the opportunity. We will decide tonight after a meeting. It should be interesting.

This cycle - if it happens great, if not that's fine to. We normally have our bases covered very well. The move to days has really screwed up my normally happy go lucky, nice, horny husband. Instead I have a bitchy, non horny husband who is seriously hating life. I know this will pass which is why when I got all pissed off yesterday by the end of the day I was fine. We didn't cover our bases as much as I would have liked or even as much as the doctor would have liked, but it's okay. One lone follicle doesn't necessarily mean a thing - it could still work. We're just not that hopeful about it. I'm almost tempted to not even do the pio, but then I know I'd hate myself if I didn't and we ended up with a positive. So we'll start the pio. I'll call in a favor and go with a beta because then I can stop the pio early and life is grand.

I already told D that come next month he's on the list... I will put a sign above the bed that says MUST HAVE SEX WITH WIFE and if he doesn't comply he's sleeping in the spare bedroom. I also told him if O day happened when both of us were working someone was calling in sick... and it won't be me. He's in agreement. He's apologized for his behavior the last few days... (a whiny pain in the ass) and is genuinely sorry. A part of him is tired of all the doctors appt's (he hasn't had to go to one but he tags along) and just the stress of trying. I think it's just a combination of things... adjusting to living together full time, adjusting to the new jobs, adjusting to now the new time of work... all has been too much for my guy. I know he'll adjust... it's just right now he's kicking and screaming like a two year old who has just been told NO they can't go to McDonald's. I also know that this too shall pass.

So hopefully the terrible two's (or terrible day shifts) will pass quickly. I pray they pass quickly. I'll be back Tuesday/Wednesday.

6:45 a.m.

Anyways - the title... the reason for the line "You've got to be fucking kidding me?" Is because I apparently am the neighbor of idiots. Idiots that think target shooting at 6:45 a.m. is appropriate. That 6:45 a.m. wake up call was gunfire for me. Seriously... Oh wait no it wasn't the gunfire that woke me up it was the 3 dogs that were pissed off at the gunfire that woke me up.

Have I mentioned I'm NOT a morning person? No???? Well I'm not. Right now I'm irritable, sleep deprived, and my only solution to all this is to have some retail therapy. No clue where I'll be shopping as it's too freaking early for anything to be open, however if I stay here much longer the dogs barking will cause a migraine and then I'll have to create some havoc with the neighbors... and truthfully I don't want to have to call my husband and say uhmm D can you come bail my ass out of jail... I just assaulted the neighbors with their own weapons.

Oh yes and cycle chances - slim to none with having only attempted procreation on the day before ovulation and the well day after... I know we were supposed to dtd on ovulation day - however we apparently felt sleep was more important. Priorities people... priorities. It's a good thing I didn't have an IUI. This whole days thing (D's working days for the first time in like 7 years) not good... not good for my mood... not good for D's mood... not good for our life in general. Man I hate that he's the lowest man on the freaking totem pole - generally that means night shifts which is fine but not in the city he works in... No one wants days and so D gets to work days until January -then back to nights until March or April then back to days. Talk about a suckfest.

Returning you to your regularly scheduled program... and if you're my neighbors and reading this - go to a freaking shooting range - not in my back yard.

Tired...

The u/s well... it wasn't fabulous... I have one lonely follicle. I know I know - it only takes one... but when you're considering this your last hurrah for a bit it's pretty depressing. I did however throw caution to the wind and ask about oral ovulation induction - not clo*mid but the other - which a new study found that that one that threw everyone in a tailspin was false... and also about the four treatments for recurrent miscarriage study that used folic acid, progesterone, prednisone, and baby aspirin. I had nurse bright eyes who I like as a person and she's going to ask the good doctor tomorrow about these things.

D is of the opinion throw in the towel and try on our own with of course progesterone after ovulation. Since that's our only current working diagnosis one would think that would probably work and maybe it would, but I hate throwing in the towel. D feels this way due to financial reasons... I feel this way because well heck I'm a pain in the ass and we all know it and I am so tired of seeing a positive that then turns into a beta of 4-8 that I just want things to work out for once.

I worked the other night in the IMC - intermediate care nursery for NICU... I had been floated. I spent a night surrounded literally by babies... babies that needed to be held, fed, and changed. There was one baby that was the child of a fellow infertile.. I know this because in caring for these kids we find out all the details of the pregnancy etc. Gravida x, para x... and in this case IVF was on there. I was changing the baby's clothes and had to go into a drawer and I found a book... a book that I have, that brings tears to my eyes whenever I read it or even think of it... God Gave Us You. It's a beautiful book and not that other parents don't feel the same way, but with infertility I think that there are many prayers that are answered when a child is brought into this world and it's just complicated my feelings about all of this. I read the book to the baby during the feeding. I cried the whole time, and then I talked to the baby and told it that it was so very wanted... and that their mom would be really thrilled if the baby would go for the boob at least a little bit, but if not then the baby needed to take all of the bottle for the momma so that the baby could get the heck out of the IMC and into the parent's arms.

Later on that night I was asked if I had kids. I hate that question... and I responded with "We have three lovely dogs and we have not been blessed with any human children yet." Eventually it came around talking about infertility etc and I dislcosed habitual aborter as my diagnosis. I hate the look that comes over people - it's of pity. There are many things in life I need... better prescription coverage... unlimited financial resources... more dogs? etc but pity just isn't on my list of things I need, want or desire.

A few nights prior I was asked by two coworkers (they're both of similar age as I am, both married and both are thinking of trying to conceive soon) and they wanted details... reasons, explanations... etc. I'm fine with being out of the closet, but sometimes I just want to go hide in the closet for a while... forget that my reproductive life is literally f'd up and just pretend to be normal. But I can't... because we're not normal. We have issues and I guess if this means that one more person knows our condition then so be it... sometimes I just wish I didn't have to be the one to educate, advocate, etc or even defend my position. I also wish that hearing my story didn't put abject horror and fear on their faces. I hate breaking other people's innocence.

So now I'm rambling... shortly we will be in the two week wait. You may vote for a beta or hpt - let me know what you think. Me - I'm ambivalent. I just feel spent... that emotionally I'm about bankrupt. I feel this way because all I'm doing is fretting about the what if's... the what if I get D to go for another cycle of injectables... where do I get the money? Where do I buy the drugs? The reason for the push is that come December 1st my RE will no longer be billing my insurance. I'll have to pay out of pocket for my u/s and E2 levels then get reimbursed eventually by my insurance company. I know others have to do this, but for us this will seriously put a crimp in our finances. Remember D took a cut in pay to finally live in our home rather than live with my mother and so it just feels like we get one good thing and two bad things.

Don't Oversleep

As the title suggests these were the words D uttered to me this morning when I called to let him know I was going home, taking a nap then going to my appt for a follicle scan. I didn't even register that he said them. Today was his first day on days in about 10 years - so he wasn't going to be home to make sure I didn't oversleep. (He's not thrilled about this daytime crap his words) I came home, set the alarm went to sleep with 3 puppy dogs that were angelic.

Alarm went off... I reset it thinking 15 minutes more would be great... and then awoke to the phone ringing at 4:15 pm. My appointment was at 3:15 pm. So I overslept.

i haven't overslept for anything in a long time... the only other recent time was when again someone either D or my mother said "Don't oversleep." I told D when I called to let him know I overslept that it was his fault... he uttered the words. The words that are like the kiss of death for me. When my mind hears them my mind goes - sleep yes we will... and we won't get up to save our lives.

Now the odd thing about all this is that I had 3 puppy dogs in the bedroom with me. They get up at 2:00 pm without fail - with irritating notice. I was planning on breaking them of this nasty habit that they learned from D - however I figured it would take a little while. It didn't as they were curled up next to me when the phone rang. I don't think the problem is the dog's inner alarm clock it's D's.

So - new follicle scan in the morning... I'm getting up when D goes to work and heading out at the same time. I'll wait in the parking lot for my turn... but darnit I'm not going to oversleep.