Thursday, October 05, 2006

Tired...

The u/s well... it wasn't fabulous... I have one lonely follicle. I know I know - it only takes one... but when you're considering this your last hurrah for a bit it's pretty depressing. I did however throw caution to the wind and ask about oral ovulation induction - not clo*mid but the other - which a new study found that that one that threw everyone in a tailspin was false... and also about the four treatments for recurrent miscarriage study that used folic acid, progesterone, prednisone, and baby aspirin. I had nurse bright eyes who I like as a person and she's going to ask the good doctor tomorrow about these things.

D is of the opinion throw in the towel and try on our own with of course progesterone after ovulation. Since that's our only current working diagnosis one would think that would probably work and maybe it would, but I hate throwing in the towel. D feels this way due to financial reasons... I feel this way because well heck I'm a pain in the ass and we all know it and I am so tired of seeing a positive that then turns into a beta of 4-8 that I just want things to work out for once.

I worked the other night in the IMC - intermediate care nursery for NICU... I had been floated. I spent a night surrounded literally by babies... babies that needed to be held, fed, and changed. There was one baby that was the child of a fellow infertile.. I know this because in caring for these kids we find out all the details of the pregnancy etc. Gravida x, para x... and in this case IVF was on there. I was changing the baby's clothes and had to go into a drawer and I found a book... a book that I have, that brings tears to my eyes whenever I read it or even think of it... God Gave Us You. It's a beautiful book and not that other parents don't feel the same way, but with infertility I think that there are many prayers that are answered when a child is brought into this world and it's just complicated my feelings about all of this. I read the book to the baby during the feeding. I cried the whole time, and then I talked to the baby and told it that it was so very wanted... and that their mom would be really thrilled if the baby would go for the boob at least a little bit, but if not then the baby needed to take all of the bottle for the momma so that the baby could get the heck out of the IMC and into the parent's arms.

Later on that night I was asked if I had kids. I hate that question... and I responded with "We have three lovely dogs and we have not been blessed with any human children yet." Eventually it came around talking about infertility etc and I dislcosed habitual aborter as my diagnosis. I hate the look that comes over people - it's of pity. There are many things in life I need... better prescription coverage... unlimited financial resources... more dogs? etc but pity just isn't on my list of things I need, want or desire.

A few nights prior I was asked by two coworkers (they're both of similar age as I am, both married and both are thinking of trying to conceive soon) and they wanted details... reasons, explanations... etc. I'm fine with being out of the closet, but sometimes I just want to go hide in the closet for a while... forget that my reproductive life is literally f'd up and just pretend to be normal. But I can't... because we're not normal. We have issues and I guess if this means that one more person knows our condition then so be it... sometimes I just wish I didn't have to be the one to educate, advocate, etc or even defend my position. I also wish that hearing my story didn't put abject horror and fear on their faces. I hate breaking other people's innocence.

So now I'm rambling... shortly we will be in the two week wait. You may vote for a beta or hpt - let me know what you think. Me - I'm ambivalent. I just feel spent... that emotionally I'm about bankrupt. I feel this way because all I'm doing is fretting about the what if's... the what if I get D to go for another cycle of injectables... where do I get the money? Where do I buy the drugs? The reason for the push is that come December 1st my RE will no longer be billing my insurance. I'll have to pay out of pocket for my u/s and E2 levels then get reimbursed eventually by my insurance company. I know others have to do this, but for us this will seriously put a crimp in our finances. Remember D took a cut in pay to finally live in our home rather than live with my mother and so it just feels like we get one good thing and two bad things.

4 comments:

DD said...

Sorry to hear about your loner follicle. That bites.

I know you don't like the pity, I mean who does. But ask yourself what's the best emotion to share at a time like that.

If you go injectible, see if your doc will allow you to purchase overseas. My RE wouldn't let us on the gonal F or follistim, but would on the repronex. It's hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars cheaper. Email me if you want more info.

casey said...

Reading about you caring for the NICU baby really brought tears to my eyes, and I'm not the sappy type. My immediate family has been blessed with two preemies who both made it out healthy (one born at just a pound). But, if all the nurses who care for all the people (or hell, just the babies) in the world were as caring as you just described, the world would be a better place.

JMB said...

I'm with you...I bawled the first time that I read that book. I think that it was the first book that I bought for Son. I always want him to know how wanted he was.

As for the loner follicle, it stinks, but at least there's one...right? Taking some time off from the whole infertility racket may be a good thing. When we had to go through it, it just seemed so hard to try to recharge the batteries cycle after cycle. I took about four months off, and was able to come back with better fortified emotional state that made things a little less draining.

I'm rooting for that lone follie...grow follie grow!

Lauren said...

Yes, this is a very moving story. weep....My sister had a premature baby that was in the hospital for a month. The nurses there were wonderful. We do need more people in the world like that.