Level Alert Raised... to orange?

Lets see first off we may have a plan...

Our meeting with the RE was good. I say good because great would be a bit much, but good would be a little low. He's a) semi cute - makes me a tad uncomfortable that he'll be looking at my nether regions with the dildo cam... b) didn't make me take my clothes off for this appt, c) is letting me STOP charting d) is up to date on most of the recurrent pregnancy loss research and e) has a wicked sense of humor. So that's good.

Our plan consisted of bloodwork... including a repeat beta HCG to see what my levels were now as well as Factor V Leiden work up and a couple other thrombophilia tests... an HSG once I start a new cycle... and drumroll please no more clomid but FSH and a HCG trigger. Which we think may be covered by hubs insurance... can we all say YIPPEE... So that is where we stand right now at this particular moment.

However seeing as things can't ever go smoothly for me... we received a phone call with the beta results. First the poor NP apparently hadn't read my full chart - and was all happy when she said she had news. My response my beta was positive and how high was it? 44... yep 44 up from 41 - 9 days ago... so ladies while I'm still bleeding apparently this is just that irritating old bleeding rather than the get the show on the road get the hell out of dodge bleeding. She was properly horrified that she wasn't aware of that news... she called me back a while ago and let me know that I'm to have more bloodwork on Monday and do the methotrexate/ectopic panel as well as a repeat beta... so pray that things get moving on out or I'm going to have to get the shot of battery acid in my ass that I really didn't love last time but will do again in a heartbeat to get this show on the road so we can MOVE on.

Oh and to add insult to injury... I got a call from the place I interviewed... and they accepted another candidate. I'm fine with that, just wish the timing would have been better... ya know what I mean. I only have 4 years experience while other candidates have much longer times... that's understandable.. my resume will stay on file which is good and I'll keep working towards getting some instructor courses out of the way.

Okay that's it from me! Working all weekend so will try to update as I can!

A New Way of Life?

I don't know if I've told anyone online this or not... but I'm a bit overweight. I've done weight watchers in the past with good results... and I'm gearing up to start it again. I ordered the at home kit - since I can't find mine to save my life. I imagine that when we get back to our house it will be there waiting for me to start it. My husband is also doing a change of life kind of thing - though his is on a rocky start since he's having great difficulty with portion control. I've plateau'd. I've been the same weight give or take 3 lbs for the last year and a half. I'd like to get down to that skinny girl I know is hiding inside of me. I'm sure the RE would love for me to lose a touch of weight. I figure at this point I need to at the very least just eat healthier than I have been and to take control of my life and increase my physical activity.

Now to find the motivation to do it. Fortunately I have a number of coworkers that are also doing weight watchers so I can use them for support... and fortunately I will try to keep track of my weight loss... maybe if I feel better about things.

Tomorrow we are going to meet one of my husband's friends that normally lives out of state... she's up visiting briefly. He told her about our pregnancy... I don't know if he's told her about our miscarriage. So it should be an interesting afternoon out... I don't know whether to look forward or to cringe in the background. Wish me luck... I don't know that I can handle well meaning advice - such as "Just relax." or "It just wasn't meant to be." Gee ya think... I hope she doesn't turn out to be an assvice giver because seriously I'm not sure that I am emotionally up to that... and this is my husband's best friend... Wish me luck!

How did you spend your weekend?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I work nights... so does my husband. So we try to stay on a relatively night schedule even when I'm off. Sometimes this works... sometimes it doesn't. This stretch off it's worked - mainly because I've been sick. Sick as in my sinuses are just LOVING what the weather is doing - the pressure in my head and the snot poring out really are great. But I digress.

So how did I spend my weekend... well besides sleeping... I've been surfing the internet. I've found a specialist that if the new doctor doesn't know what the heck to do someone else will so that's my hold back card. I've found a bunch of blogs that are wonderful women who have suffered tremendous losses... and they each gave me hope in a weird way. They reminded me of why I keep carrying on. Some are moving forward and having their babies soon... others are still struggling just like me. But ultimately they are continuing to carry on and that takes courage... that takes guts. I'm so glad that I found them because I sometimes feel lost in this sea of blogs...

I feel like a broken record... to my husband, to my online friends... I feel like the little boy who cried wolf... I've cried "I'm pregnant" 4 times in the last 10 months... and I've had to say "but wait - don't get excited things just don't feel quite right." Then maybe a week or 3 days later I have to make an announcement... "Things don't look good." "The numbers didn't do what they were supposed to." or my least favorite... "I'm bleeding." I miss my innocence. I miss my excitement that I had way back at the end of May... I miss my husband looking at me and saying "We're going to be parents." and me believing him.

I hope that I can move past this broken record to a new one... to a new song... and maybe just maybe hope can come back to our lives and stay.

I Chickened Out...

Yep, you read it... I chickened out. We - meaning both husband and I attempted to talk to his parents about our fertility issues, but then we looked at one another and decided not tonight. On our way over to his parents house we were having a pretty lively discussion about our coping mechanisms. My husband finally let humor do his talking. "You think you have issues... we've had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic in the last 9 months - if that isn't enough to make you drink heavily, see a shrink, or take antidepressants I don't know what is." " You think you've got problems, I've watched my wife come out of surgery looking like death warmed over and then had to tell her that her fear of being f'd up was right on target." I of course am laughing my ass off as he's going through a schpeel... He doesn't use humor very often to cope, to see him actually get his feelings out about all of this was good. It was good for both of us. We love each other and he felt so awful about not being there when I got the bad news last Sunday. I know if he could trade spaces with me he would... if he could make this all easier he would. He'd agree to donor sperm, donor egg, donor whatever if it meant that we would have a child... because that's the kind of guy he is.

However we're not saints... And I have a confession to make... We both have some pretty awful thoughts about one member of his family that is currently pregnant... she has smoked throughout the entire pregnancy, come up with various ailments to get pain medication throughout this pregnancy and the last one, and well she's just awful. I also have to admit I'm jealous. I have the awful green eyed monster because she has done everything wrong - yet at the end of 9 months she'll have a baby... granted that child will probably have lifelong learning disabilities, low birthweight, and need counseling for the rest of it's life, but it's a real live baby... and I can't get to that point. It also doesn't help that my mil announced this woman's pregnancy to me the same day we were discussing our recent loss... I don't think I've ever felt more like I needed a drink than that day when I heard the news. We left fairly early because my husband knew just how deeply this hurt... but it did and a part of me is still angry with her for telling me... it could have waited a few weeks... We didn't need to know right then. We were hurting and my fil was the only person that asked how we were doing... and if I was alright. Now you know why I am a staunch supporter of my fil... he was uncomfortable asking that question, but he acted as if he cared. For that I am thankful.

My dad was the only one that knew of my first miscarriage... him and my boyfriend at that time... and I think maybe a friend knew... but no one else. He helped me through that. Granted he said that it was probably for the best... which I didn't need or want to hear at the time. He kept my secret - never telling my mom. I told my mom a few years ago. She was hurt that I hadn't told her. Now she's the only one I can tell... my dad isn't here to tell and even though he's with me in spirit it just isn't the same. Telling my mom my thoughts just doesn't work out the way it did with my dad. I just don't know that we're ready to take the step to let my husband's parents in on our secrets... maybe after meeting with the RE we'll be able to talk with them about it... but truthfully I don't know that they want to know and I don't know that my husband really wants them to know. Because right now as things stand we know I have a problem... but we don't know that he has a problem... he doesn't want them to know who's got the issue. He'd rather it be a united front... that our problems are ours together... rather than 1 persons issue. I'm fine with them knowing I provide early checkout... i don't know that he is.

So 5 days and we meet with the RE... wonder if the good doctor (need to come up with a great name for this guy) will have a plan or be stumped... I hate stumping doctors... however I have looked at the University of Chicago as they have a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic... will contact them if this continues to happen. I hate repeating things over and over and over again...

Coming out of the closet... or NOT?

So we kind of came out to my mom about our difficulties. You have to know my mom to understand how this went. Even though my mom had multiple miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy she is pretty simple and uninformed about the options out there. She told me to just relax once... she's talking about adopting twins from an illegal immigrant she knows... things like that. I know she means well. I also know I have to remind her about the unhelpfullness of these things frequently. So I came out sort of. I told her we had had another loss and that we were going to a specialist. My mom said that we shouldn't be trying so hard. Yes, I hit myself in the forehead and looked at her and said... that wasn't very helpful mom... and truthfully it hasn't taken us much effort to become pregnant in the first place. In all seriousness I needed to let her know what was going on.

Now... here's the real question... do we let Hubs parents in on this or not? I've joked about telling them... My best way of coping is morbid humor. Seriously I find it hillarious. My husband not always... he thinks I'm going to give his dad a heart attack. I want them to know so that I don't feel as if we're keeping this HUGE secret from them. On the other hand I don't want to be asked about it either.

On a weird note I got floated to another floor the other night at work and a 94 year old man asked me if I was a mom. I told him to 3 lovely dogs. He chuckled then told me I would be a fantastic mom. I said from your lips to God's ears and that it would happen in God's time. He smiled, patted my hand and said I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I told him that I appreciated that. Weird the conversations you get into with patients that are actually alert. Shocking even.

So who knows what I'll do this afternoon at dinner with the in laws... depends on my mood...

Crappy news

I know I've been quiet. Quiet because I had nothing positive to say. The run down is this...

Saturday the pink cm turned to red - spotting. Sunday it turned to a trickle... I called the on call doctor and had to go to the ER for a rhogam shot and a repeat beta. My repeat beta was 70... so a doubling time of 176.37 hours... I was planning on stopping the progesterone at that point because seriously this is not a healthy pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to continue. I did until I got the results of the beta yesterday. After much arguing with the lab I was able to get the results 41.

So hopefully it continues to go down. I'm sad, but hopeful. Hopeful because I did not cancel the appointment with the RE. On January 26th we will be meeting with an RE. Hopefully he will have a plan. I so pray that he will be our answer. On a down note... my insurance stinks in regards to fertility treatment - it does not cover fertility treatment. It covers the diagnosis but it doesn't cover treatment... it covers medicine but no procedures. Can we all say ARGGGGHHHH and shake our fists at them? Seriously come on - it made me feel better.

On a weird freakish coincidence/deja vu repeat of June I received a call from a flight program for an interview as a flight nurse. This is a very big long shot, but if you don't try you can't fail right? So keep your fingers crossed that Dr. New and expensive has a plan and that the flight program liked me lots so I can hopefully quit my job and start something I know I would LOVE!!!

A girl can dream... I made it to 4 weeks 6 days... that's a step right? Now I just have to get through 2 more interviews and maybe the next step will be hubs getting a job over here... boy have I been dreaming or what? These are my wishes for the moment...

Hmmm

Well the results are in... and the repeat beta at 46 hours... was 48... up from 24... so perfect doubling...

The progesterone results were a little low...

Both of these things are not concerning to my doctor or doctor's office... they have scheduled an u/s on 1/26... I am terrified. How am I supposed to go 2 weeks without a beta. I'd rather know if things were going belly up in Vegas before the 26th rather than find out at the u/s. We're trying not to let hope creep in. I know that sounds awful, but with our history we can't take the chance.

My husband emailed a friend of his... and told her what's going on. I never realized quite how much it affects him until I read that email... it bothers him a lot... he doesn't let on... he's just tired of the teasers. He's tired of worrying that he'll have to take me to the hospital again for a procedure and I'll look so sick again... I can't say I blame him. I know the feeling... I'd really rather not have to go through that again myself. I keep telling myself that all of this will be worth it in the end. I so pray this is a viable pregnancy... I'm so scared of the what if's...

My work is now monitoring internet usage... I've been counseled... and truthfully at the time when i was surfing a bunch - work was done, I was in the grips of coping and keeping my chin up while truthfully not liking my coworkers all that much... the only thing that kept me sane was the internet. I felt better, was able to smile... was able to realize that while ectopics, chemical pregnancies suck... there are people out there that are able to help... I told this to my manager. I'm pretty sure she doesn't get all of this... that's okay some days I don't.

Thank god for the internet! There's always someone who understands or comes pretty darn close to doing so...

The results are in...

At 15-16 dpo... my beta is 24... so again no jumping up and down, or celebrations please as this is way low and way to fragile... will feel better if on Wednesday the number doubles... so continue saying prayers and any mantra you can think of... preferably NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet... which is the mantra of a couple of infertile bloggers - I believe Grrrl was the first to utter those words...

Teaser...

A teaser... is what we (meaning hubby and I) fondly refer to as a positive pregnancy test after or during spotting/period. A teaser fucks with you... makes you get all hopeful only to drop you to the ground... I've never had one go the other way so if this does occur this will be a first for me. This is where we are at right now. Now granted this is the first time I've had spotting that hasn't gone into a full force period yet. Key word of all this is yet. I have some brown creamy cm to occasionally pink creamy cm... either way not something that makes either of us happy at the moment.

I also have a bunch of positive pregnancy tests. Now if we were innocent and not been through this rundown before we might be jumping for joy - high fiving each other saying YEAH We're going to be parents... however this being the 4th time I've told him we've got a positive... my husband and myself are right down at the bottom of the barrel going is this another teaser? Because this certainly feels like a teaser - glancing at one another. My husband is even more pessimistic about this than I am... he was hopeful and told me that I was being silly being pessimistic then the spotting started... now he's right above morbid curiosity which is where I am at as well.

You know what kind of curiosity I'm talking about... the kind that makes you look at train wrecks or tragedy on the TV even though you know it ends badly or isn't pretty etc... that's where we're at right now. I have a lab slip for a beta and a progesterone... I was supposed to do this Saturday (yeah uhmm NO) and am debating about doing this today... my guess my beta will be 20 if I go today... I could of course be wrong. 20 at 16 dpo is pretty awful... but I had 17 at 17 dpo so that's pretty awful as well... who knows this could be the little beta that could...

I pray I'm wrong. I pray I'm not going to get teased. I'm tired of being teased. I know that God has a plan for me and Dan... I'd just really like him to let me know what it is sooner rather than later. So if you are of a praying nature... please send up a prayer that the beta is fantabulous rather than shitty. I could use a fantabulous day rather than a crappy one... Will update once I get the results...

Spotting...

As the title goes... this is what has occurred... which sucks... I'm supposed to not test until Sunday... have a beta on Monday... I fear full af on Monday at least that's my guess... I'm 13 dpo one would think I would get a hugely positive test on Sunday... not me. I feel it's going to be a big ole negative...

I'm not sure what I want to do... a part of me says do another round of clomid... the other part of me says just do nothing... will decide when the time comes. Going to curl up under the covers... thank god I don't have to work till Wednesday.

Is it or isn't it?

So right now I am 11 dpo. I'm not temping this cycle as well that just generally puts me more on edge... and with the progesterone I'm going to have elevated levels... however I have started christening the pee sticks...

Internet cheapies - negative... or is that a faint line... or is that an evap?
FRER - Negative... that piece of crap hasn't given me an early positive EVER...
Equate - negative...
EPT - my loyal and faithful friend... maybe a + sign... however it is the faintest + sign to see it you need the light of a thousand suns... SO this has of course made me want to know what my beta could be if I actually went and had one done... however betabase is not working for me... or at least every freaking computer I've tried at work and at home has not managed to get that info for me.

Seeing as I want something darker, more vibrant, more encouraging I'm holding off on the beta... have emailed the doc to let him know that I want a beta... but have not started hoping, dreaming, etc. I've got too much of a history of false alarms to get excited... I hope I'm wrong... I hope there is truly something to get excited for as that would be simply wonderful.

My Hopes for the New Year... as I sit in the 2ww...

Happy New Year!

I'm going to make a list of things - hopes/desires/aspirations for the new year... things I'm going to try and accomplish... make it my annual review...

1. To get knocked up and stay knocked up...
2. To lose 15 lbs... 20-30 would be great but we'll start small...
3. To continue to grow in my marriage. I love this wonderful man and can't imagine my life without him. He's my rock.
4. For Hubs to get a job near me so we can finally live together like normal couples...
5. To get a PICU position and get out of the den of negativity that I work in now...
6. To save money.
7. To be on time with all my bills.
8. To be more compassionate.
9. To exercise more
10. To enjoy spending time with my family and hubs family more.

So that's a start lets see how I do on these...

I also hope that that little Angel/Devil called Hope fills your life with the real deal... that you carry on, love your significant other, and that you get your babies now... and that they and you carpe' diem...

A Summary of 2005 - my life

Lets see...

January - Nagging contractors to move into our new home...
February - 1st to be exact- moving into our new home... actually hubs moving us into our new home... in laws finding a sex book... Can only imagine what they think... Going off birth control, quitting caffeine. Only a few more weeks and we'll be ttc.
March - off birth control and starting to try. BFN. Anniversary of Dad's death.
April - Fertility monitor - BFN... start of a new cycle... Fertility monitor, Fertility friend, BBT, charting... Hub's aunt and uncle- pregnant... and good cousin and wife - pregnant...
May - continues the cycle. Hubs bday - what I thought was a period, family and friends visiting, temps still up wtf? Take a hpt and hmmm that looks positive. Beta of 245 bleeding stops.
June - Beta of 535... bleeding starts back up. Repeat beta 248. Rhogam... Doctor saying - looks like things have passed... repeat beta - 271... D/C scheduled day before my birthday... wake up to nope it was ectopic... Methotrexate... this sucks.
July - on hiatus... told my mom and in laws of what occurred and how scared this made us... Hubs idiot cousin's wife announces she's pregnant (the chain smoking fiend)
August - Fertility monitor, BBT, make hubs take a day off to procreate - make into stud muffin. BFN...
September - 1 year anniversary... FM, BBT, bleeding... + with a beta of 17 then 20... then 14... Fucking chemicals on our anniversary? Hubs good cousin is killed in a tragic accident... Hubs idiot cousin arrested.
October - Doctors visit - endo biopsy next cycle... Hub's aunt has baby boy - Preston
November - Endo biopsy... 3 days later bleeding... Diagnosis - Luteal phase defect... also a Beta of 7! Fucking chemicals... start clomid... ovulate on cd 20... progesterone started... Good cousin's wife has Baby Girl Riley...
December - BFN... Clomid again... switch around to cd 3-7 for it though... O early on CD 14 (Christmas eve or there abouts...) Idiot cousin in jail... Christmas - a kitchen aid mixer... DVD's I don't like... and waiting patiently for a positive...

This would be my synopsis of my life thus far this past year... boy I hope the year 2006 has much more positive things...

Doe a deer a female deer...

So the real question is was it a doe or a buck that I hit on my way to work Tuesday night? Truthfully I have no clue. I think I stunned the damn thing which put a dent in my passenger front door. Fortunately I only have a 100 dollar deductible which is good and fortunately we decided that we would trade my vehicle in and get a new one once we got to the dealership. Dan is thrilled because he picked the color - Silver... can we all go "Yawn..." Seriously black was the other option - totally should have picked black, but we have a sunroof... I love sunroofs...

So our new vehicle is basically just a newer version of our old vehicle... a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe... upgraded from a 2002 Hyundai Santa Fe. The purchase of the first Santa Fe was done after I wrecked my 1996 Mercury Tracer - that had a sunroof! My dad and I shopped around and after test driving, researching on consumer reports we chose the Santa Fe. We were both thrilled. So saying goodbye to my old car was very bittersweet. Especially since Dad's name is still on the old vehicle and that meant dragging out the old death certificate. I know my dad isn't connected to my car... even though he did put a dent in it... but as the months pass I feel him slipping away a bit. I think of him daily - love seeing pictures of him, love remembering him, but other's don't necessarily feel that way. My mom feels she has to erect this shrine at his grave. I don't. He's in my heart. I don't need to visit a grave where the shell of his body is kept. She doesn't totally get that because she feels closer to him when she's there.

This holiday season is always rough for my mom. This year has been no different. Usually we hear a rant about what my dad would have done or should have done that he didn't do. (Sad part of this is this is no different than if he was alive) and then at some point Mom will cry about Dad. She misses him - even though she tries to act tough she misses him just as much as I do... probably more. Christmas my mom will be visiting my jack ass of a brother... and also my husband will be spending time with her. I have to work. So I will be driving 3 hours to go to work... work 12 hours... then drive 3 hours back. May not make a lot of sense, but it's what I'm going to have to do. I'd rather spend it with my mom. I'm not lamenting the fact I don't get to spend Christmas with my in laws... as truthfully I hate going to the "garage" for the family functions at Grandma's... it's a tradition I could do without... just my thoughts of course.

So... that's my news... another car bites the dust due to a deer... and we're currently on cd 13... which means I've got the weird ovulatory pain from the clomid and probably will ovulate sometime next week... I'm having a terrible time temping right now and to be honest I have no idea why. Thank god for a clear blue fertility monitor as otherwise I'd have no clue.

My dog... the Coach lover apparently...

I just discovered something... something awful. Something very expensive to replace... Lola our 9-10 month old mini dachshund just chewed part of my Coach purse... Damn dog... I love her, but this rates right up there with Ernie chewing the cord for the laptop and the multiple pairs of pants that Chance chewed the crotch out of...

Dogs... what are you going to do with them? Apparently still love them and care about them while saying "Bad dog" to them.

She spit it out when she looked at me which would have been hillarious if it was someone else's purse!!!! Fortunately my humor has returned - it got lost on Sunday with the whole misadventure and missing of the TSO concert... So now I am scouring ebay in the hopes of finding a deal a Coach for Christmas... just a simple black station bag... love that purse... damnit...

Love the dog too... Lola's priceless... the purse isn't...

At least I have my priorities straight!

Cue the laughter... and hand me some Kleenex...

Have I told anyone about my absolute love of the Trans Siberian Orchestra? Well if you haven't listened to them then you need to. For the last 4 years I have gone to a concert during the Christmas season and seriously even when in the pissiest of moods it has turned my frown to a smile - reminded me why I'm a total pollyanna and why I think that ultimately there are good people in the world. This year the concert was on Sunday. My husband arranged to have the night off from work - after going to his awful Christmas party I seriously needed this concert. So Tuesday around noon found us driving across the state with our 3 dogs back to our house, where he asked... What time is the concert? My response 8 pm I think. I grabbed the tickets out and our tickets said... 2:30 pm. I had bought tickets to the matinee concert rather than the night's performance. This wouldn't have been a big deal if we had realized this at 8 a.m. rather than at noon and weren't 2 hours away from the arena with 3 dogs in the car. I started crying, threw my sunglasses and started mentally beating myself up.

Now... I know I could have spent an extra 90 dollars to go to this concert, and if the tears would have really flowed once we got home - I'm pretty sure Dan would have made the call and gotten us front row tickets. However my own guilt about being the cause of missing the concert, combined with my period showing up really just sent me into a tail spin. I would have had instant gratification by seeing the concert, but horrible guilt over making that big a dent in our checkbook... Yes we could afford it, but there are other things we need more then spending 90 bucks on concert tickets when I had already spent that money on them in the first place. So we didn't go. I spent the night curled up in the fetal position with a puppy dog on all sides of me and the blanket pulled up over my head. (This is how I cope when depressed!) Dan didn't know what to do to make it better and to him (aka Mr. Tightwad) spending the extra 90 dollars was not ever an option.

So today found me going to my customer service class... Which was 3 hours of my life that I will never get back... And I learned the 3 A's... Acknowledge, Apologize, Amend... And never use these two words... "Can't" and "policy" if someone wants to smoke - which is against policy for patient's to leave to go smoke... We need to say... "We are very concerned for your safety and if you leave unsupervised bad things could happen and we don't want that." Whatever...

I also emailed my doctor for my new clomid script... I am thinking of taking it on days 3-7 so this will all start tomorrow... The nurse asked me to mail a copy of my chart to them... I started laughing hearing the message... He didn't even want to look at them a couple months ago when I brought them in concerned about a luteal phase defect, but now when he doesn't even tell me that I should chart he wants to look at it... So I'm emailing the website that has all my charts and telling him to have at 7 cycles of charts...

And here's 2 icing on the cake tidbits... First - one of my bf called crying - she wants to leave her husband and wanted me to come up with 1 good reason for her to stay with him... I admit I couldn't do it... He treats her like a slave - she works 80-90 hours a week asks him to clean the house and the house is trashed... He can't make it in on time to work... He just can't seem to grow up. I told her she would have to look hard at herself, their relationship and talk with him... I know total cop out... But I can't tell her what to do all I can do is support her in whatever she decides.

The second tidbit is that in a previous post a couple months ago I mentioned Dan's cousin who had been charged with csc... the jury is finally in and he's getting a year in jail. I am ecstatic about this as we (meaning both Dan and I) were fearful that he would just get probation. I think that Dan's family is of course going to take this news hard, but for the child this occurred to I am so very thankful that he received punishment as her innocence will never be given back and I'd like him to pay for the rest of his life for that. This also pushes back the timeline of when we have to tell the in laws that we can't be around him at all - ever, under no circumstances as they haven't quite gotten to that point yet...

So that's the scoop from here...

Unhelpful advice...

The one thing on this earth I thought I could count on was my mom's thoughts on this whole infertility thing. I was SOOOO wrong... yesterday after I peed on the holy hpt and came up big fat negative... I hid my hpt in my suitcase and came out of the bedroom. Somehow or other things turned to the topic of trying to have a baby and my mom said the 2 words no infertile ever wants to hear. "Just relax." I blew a gasket... I said "Mom that is terribly unhelpful - do you want to know what just relaxing got us... it got us an ectopic and 2 miscarriages... so just relaxing is not going to work. We've moved on from just relaxing to lets use modern science to knock us the hell up. So you have just said the most hurtful thing you could have possibly said to me. Just relax." My husband after this little diatribe came into the bedroom I had come back to and thrown the covers over my head and said... "You know she loves you right?" I said YES I KNOW THAT... but she needs to understand that that comment is not appropriate. He of course hugs me and says I know that - she doesn't totally understand it.

So tonight while baking cookies... I explained it to her. I explained why this was not helpful... I also explained that as long as I can laugh through my tears I'm okay. I'm not obsessed by this... (okay maybe a touch) but I'm able to look past this and see a bright side... there are bright sides to everything... I will live through this even though truthfully it doesn't feel like I will... and my puppy dogs and husband will live through this though all 4 of them have gotten on my last nerve lately... we're a team - granted a screwed up team... and we can count on one another...

So never tell someone to "Just relax." Cause next time... I'm probably going to have to throw something... and I've got a pretty good aim.

Creeping out...

Hmmm 6 days can change a lot of things... no early positive on an hpt for me... and no late positive for me on a hpt... so we've stopped the progesterone and we're just waiting for the period to show up. I can't say that I'm happy about this. Hope was briefly there, and now it's gone. Not much else to say other than thank god I don't have to go to my husband's family's house when the idiot pregnant woman who is still with her pedophile husband is there... Got to find a bright side to everything... right now that's all I got.

Oh yes I do have one more bright side... I'm going to the TSO conert tomorrow night... thank heaven!

Creeping in?

I'm 9 dpo today... and I'm still taking my temps, etc which of course are still high (thank you Mr. Progesterone). And that niggling little creature called Hope is starting to creep in. You know that annoying little voice in your head saying "It's a beautiful chart, could that be an implantation dip?" is becoming quite repetitive. My husband of course says this... "I'll believe we're pregnant when we actually see an ultrasound with something where it's supposed to be and frankly a heartbeat would be nice as well." Got to love his cynicism... I'm sad that it's come to that... that hope isn't automatically there... if and when we see a second line on an hpt - we both think - call get a blood test... get another one in 48 hours... then wait for the results to... double (stop laughing we've had them double once out of the 3 times and that was with the ectopic)... then wait for an u/s so we can know what to do... (Yeah I haven't ever reached u/s point so I'm not sure what to do about that.)

So hope or pessimism... I haven't figured out which little voice I'm going to listen to... I just pray that I make it through the holidays and hopefully get an early Christmas gift with a picture of a beating heart in my uterus rather than my fallopian tubes... excuse me while I go have that fantasy...

Also how do I explain to the nurses if no when I get a positive? When they ask for lmp I'd have to say 11/6, but I ovulated late... so should I just do the math and give them an adjusted date? decisions decisions... maybe I'll just run it by the nurse... God Hope can be so awful sometime... I'm already thinking about calling a nurse and I don't have a positive to show for it... this could be a rotten Christmas... will keep you posted.

Family time?

Today found us driving 3 hours to my mom's house... then getting right back into the car and driving an hour to see Dan's parents with my mom and 3 dogs in the car. Can we all say WAY TOO MUCH FAMILY TIME!

My in laws do not yet know that we've moved on to clomid and again to be truthful I'm not sure we'll be telling them. A part of me wants them to know that listen this has not been that easy. The other part of me says screw it it's none of their business. Visiting Dan's uncle and aunt and their new baby really made me laugh as Dan was holding Lola and talking to her as if she was a baby... She's about the right size... so yes she's our baby. However I'm pretty sure Dan's grandma, aunt and uncle really think we've lost our minds. This is not totally a bad thing, just an odd thing.

Dan's parents have been nice enough to not ask about babies or baby making, so I guess unless they ask we're not going to tell. Is this the right thing to do? I don't know. I just know that I'm not ashamed of it, just not totally comfortable with it yet. I'm not comfortable knowing "I'm the problem" Even though Dan feels it's a 50/50 deal here, right now after 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic we know... I'm the problem so far. I don't know that I want his family to know that. I'd rather they thought it was a mutual problem then the blame game can be shifted off of me. It's not like I don't already go - "I've treated you relatively well the last couple years - why can't you work the way you are supposed to?" My body's response... "Screw you." Don't ya just love a body with an attitude.

Hopefully all this wondering will be moot soon... maybe maybe I can get my Christmas present a bit early... wouldn't that be nice? I won't hold my breath on that one... but maybe just maybe hope and optimism can spring back into my life rather than fear and anxiety when it comes to pregnancy... stay tuned...