Tease and thankful to be home..

First - the gender and name will be posted at the very end. I promise I won't leave you all hanging, just want to get all my thoughts out.

Travelling with 6 dogs is never easy. It's complicated - you have to make sure that you have all the items you need, want, desire. All the food you need for the dogs for x number of days, etc. Kennels if they are kenneled which ours are. Leashes, seatbelts, toys, etc etc and the list goes on and on. Our last trip went smoothly so we had it down pat. What we didn't have down pat was that a) Ernie would cut his paw up and make it look like a mas*acre in our basement and b) that I'd be in the third trimester and c) that I'd be the one loading the car again.

Luck of the draw meant that D had to work and I got to load the car. I'd rather have worked. The main items were easy, the kennels not so much. They were in use until right before I left to pick up D so there was no way I could just pack them up the night before. Ultimately I got everything in the car that needed to be and everyone that needed to be, it just took a lot longer than it did before. I was happy D was going to be the unloader and repacker and unloader again at the end of this trip. I also told him no more big trips with the dogs until after the baby is here.

We arrived at my mom's late Thursday/early Friday morning. Friday was spent preparing food for the shower and talking with my mom, D's parents and with my sister and my niece and nephew. It went well all got along and nothing untoward happened. The hall was decorated and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. We were whipped, but things were going well. My mom had a bit of a scare which I was able to fix - as there had been a contractor on her house who had neglected to pay a bill and the supplier had threatened to put a lien on the house. Well I cleared up all of that and there is no lien on the house. It is free and clear. She wanted to know the gender and went back and forth about the sex of the NN. Which is quite comical to listen to. My mil of course wants a girl. My fil wants a baby and my mother wants a girl. So no pressure for the NN at all right?

Saturday came way too early and the pups were all discombobulated as they were not on their normal routine. Ernie's paw was doing well thank goodness and we made a make shift hood to keep him from licking it. He was less than thrilled with this turn of events, however it was effective. The shower started around 1 pm and family and friends started arriving. I was able to see quite a few people I haven't seen in a long time as well as some that I was happy to not have seen for a long time. Ultimately a good amount of people showed up less than 50 but more than 25. We received a ton of items and there were 3 little girls who helped out with the opening of presents. Two were my nieces P and C and the other was a little girl by name of Shyane who was a riot. She was 5 and just adorable and a sweetheart. When opening a card that had money in it she said - "If you open up another card with money in it... you'll be rich!" With big brown eyes and a sound of awe in her voice. This caused both D and myself to start laughing.

We gave both of our mom's cards which when opened announced... "It's A Boy!" With love from S & D and Samuel David.

Samuel David will be the NN name. This will probably be one of the few posts that has his name on it. His name is both our father's names... my dad's being first. We had debated about doing a third name like Landon Samuel David, however we couldn't agree on a name and the closer and more real this has become the more adamant D has become that the baby just be named Samuel David. He thinks my dad had a hand in this pregnancy. He also thinks my dad had a hand in the fact that this baby is a boy. He says this because my mom went on and on and on about having a girl. My dad always always always said - it doesn't matter, just that it's healthy. So since we think he wanted to remind mom of that statement. Gender truly does not matter just that this little one is healthy is truthfully all that matters to both D and myself. We're happy, but we would have been happy if he had been a girl as well. We're just happy to be here and to be this far along.

So now you know the rest of the story... as Paul Harvey would say- Good day!

Bloody Hell...

Because what would life be like without a dog trying to bloody the whole basement. Ernie decided to spaz in his kennel and ended up cutting his foot pad. I came home to find a bloody mess.

I love Ernie, but this freaking out in his kennel gets old. I have some tranquilizers from when the pups were fixed and maybe next time I have to go somewhere he'll get one of those. It's just not worth it to come home and find him a) miserable and b) bleeding. D goes - what are we going to do? I know it will get better once my mom is over here, but maybe we just need to clean fabulously and hope for the best by leaving him home alone out of his kennel for short periods of time.


In other news - NN is doing fine. It's breech right now, but no biggie on that front. No clue as to weight estimate. I did of course have a freaky dream last night/this morning which prompted me to be a bit panic stricken. Basically in the dream - my water broke and there was a foot. It gets better of course - wherever we were the hospital was being built or what not and there was only 1 doctor and no operating room or at least not a sterile clean one. Needless to say I woke up at that point. Talk about a weird dream. The pups woke me up and I was totally fine with that and glad I didn't jump back into that dream when I went back to sleep.

I am off to the other side of the state just until Sunday - I wish all of you could be there as I'm sure you would be way more fun than some of the family members that will.

Obla Dee Obla Dah...

Life goes on... Oh... Lalala life goes on... Sorry Ernie wanted to say hi... this was back in June when we went to the other side of the state. We'll have more after this trip. I'm sure the dogs will be quite photogenic.

Remember the song? Remember the show??? No? You don't remember Corky and Becca and their parents and Paige. Okay so I lived most of my teen years watching TV and reading books. I'm boring like that.

The beginning of this post is me and my personal freak outs... Don't mind the crazy lady - it's just me. The second part is puppy pictures. You've wanted them... now you have them.

One of the things that I struggle with is that right now as of this particular minute the NN is doing fine and I still feel like I'm waiting for a shoe or boulder to drop on me. D doesn't feel this way. I end up looking like the crazy one at doctor's appts, the freaking m*tern*ty store that I hate with a passion, and anywhere else when people start questioning me too much. I'm a snoop and read one of D's emails to a friend and he talked of my paranoid ways... and truthfully I wanted to punch him. I'm not a violent individual, however I wanted to punch him. It's one thing to say to me "Sami you're paranoid." It's a whole nother story to say it to someone else. His only saving grace was he didn't say it to his parents - that would have been grounds for a real throw down.

I know men and infertility and men and loss especially early losses like the ones we had react differently. D has always reacted differently to a pregnancy than I have. He was the optimist - which to know him is to find shocking. I am the pessimist. While I have no ill wishes for the NN I pray nightly that this will work out. D has this subtle confidence that it will. Once we got through the u/s that showed a heartbeat and then the first trimester he was on the bandwagon of everything will be fine. My freak out about the heart - didn't happen for him. However he was relieved that I had connections so we didn't spend 6 weeks in limbo! So there are some contradictions that occur. He just is of the opinion - it will all work out. Which is normally me - actually that is me in regards to the dogs and having all 6 of them.

He doesn't fret about things - I fret about the finances, I fret about what the heck I'm going to wear to this shower, I fret about the gifts that we'll receive because in my mind I have a replay of our bridal shower where we received I think 2 items off our registry and the rest including 3 electric skillets (already have one thanks) had to be regifted or returned because of course no one liked where we registered at. Ultimately it made me hate showers. I wasn't that keen on them in the first place. But when you have to regift, return, exchange, etc a good majority of the items you receive it's not fun.

This is the stuff infertility and recurrent loss has left me with... I wish I could have a shower where it was all my friends from the internet and it would have an open bar for those still in the trenches and the food would be fabulous. (now I know the food will be great at this real shower, but there won't be an open bar) Because honestly you all get me. Where as those that see me in real life - don't. They just don't get it anymore. They can't figure out why I'm still a little weird about the whole pregnancy thing. Why I'm counting down the weeks and going - phew 29 weeks is great, but 30 is better and so on and on and on.

I feel as if I'm in a leaky boat and I have a life jacket on and someone says - you're almost to the island - don't get lost. Since I have a shitty sense of direction I'm hoping that my compass will guide us to shore. To land... because ultimately we all want off the island. It's just that uncertainty of being kind of in limbo - you're planning for shore, you're planning to make land and sometimes along the way there still are rough waters or storms and your ability to handle them is a bit diminished since you're not on the island anymore, but you're not on land either. Make sense? Shitty analogy, but hopefully someone gets it.

So in closing... Life goes on right? That's what I'm doing just taking one day at a time. Trying to stay sane, still blogging, still reading and still here. Just a bit quieter - popping my head up and saying nothing to see here move along just seems so boring. Now for the puppy pictures!

This was Blue trying to sleep. Yes - he thought it would be a good idea to sleep like that.



Pepper, Blue & Lola in the back seat. Lola decided she'd rather sit with them and then push Blue off the seat than be up front with us.

Contrary to Popular Belief...

I do not have all the answers. I do not even act as if I have all the answers.

Granted - some people do think of me as a know it all, but seriously I am the first to admit when I do not know something. I'm also the first to ask for help if I need it. Yesterday found me fielding phone calls. Way too many phone calls.

I do not remember if I had mentioned a note my mother found about a month ago that she then sent me on a wild goose chase for. If I did I apologize in advance for the refresher. If I did not - here's the scoop. The note was from an insurance agent. Apparently my parents decided when I was born to buy a prepaid life insurance policy in my name. Considering all the early health issues I had (weird white counts due to drinking contaminated water at my preschool, strep infections from an early age leading to my tonsils and adenoids being removed at 5, multiple stitches - yes I was a clutz) this probably was a good idea. The policy number is missing on this note and of course the note does not have a date, just a monetary amount that at that time was still with the life insurance policy. I have contacted who I thought was the life insurance company and of course - they have no record of my parents or myself. I contacted the gentleman who had sent the letter - he's now retired, but remembers my parents - only clients he had in Sand Point and my dad as a "stocky and short guy that was really nice." Nicely sums up dad actually. I even contacted the man who had taken over for the gentleman as he is now retired and truthfully sounds about 70+ years of age or at least his wife did. My mom has been on my tookus about this. She also states that she never cashed in the policy and that I must have thrown it out when I cleaned out a bunch of things from her files when dad died.

While I did clean out a lot of things from my mom's stuff most of it was junk. I do not remember a life insurance policy for myself or I would have asked about it. I found my parents original divorce papers - and I think I threw them out as truthfully I do not want my brothers or sister to read the transcripts from their first marriage divorces. I read it and it made me ill. Neither of my parents first spouses were all that great. My dad's divorce papers had a write up by the social worker recommending my father to have sole custody and also how the final arrangements were made - my dad gave his first wife - cash, a car, a handgun, and stock options in order to have full custody of my brother - now granted some of this stuff my brother knows, but to see it in writing well that's just not something I would want to see if it was me. My mom's is not much better and documents some domestic violence issues. Ultimately my parents were much better off with each other than they ever were with their first spouses. So tossing those out when the divorces occurred in the early 70's seemed like the right thing to do. I think I also tossed out old cancelled checks from 1970, tax returns from the 1960's and well a few other things. My mom is a paperwork pack rat. So it's possible things are still there that I have to go through again and maybe I'll find the life insurance policy number. Boy would that make this wild goose chase easier. Apparently they will now have to go through the archives. This policy was taken out somewhere between 1978 and the early 80's. So none of it is on computer. Fun fun fun huh? Now granted if it means I end up with some money in the end - bonus. If not then I've put in all this effort for nothing.

The second phone call was from the gentleman that sold the policy - he wanted my birthdate as he was wracking his brain to remember more details.

The third phone call was to figure out how much barbecue pork is needed for the shower... we're having the woman who did our wedding reception make this as it was wonderful at the time. She's doing it as a favor for us. We greatly appreciate it.

The fourth phone call was to tell me that the transcript was done and how much it would cost. It of course did not leave an address where I was to send it to, so I had to call back to get those details - this morning will find me buying a money order and accomplishing what I need to do to get the transcript. Such a pita!

The fifth phone call was my mother trying to figure out who would pick up the barbecue and who would do this, that and the other thing in regards to the shower.

Yesterday all I was trying to do was shop for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes in general, but I REALLY hate shopping for clothes right now. Nothing fits right and that about sums it up. I farted around too long so I can no longer order the dress I was going to order because it is not available in my size any longer if I would have ordered it before I fell asleep this wouldn't be an issue as it was still available then. Now it's poof available in xs. Yeah uhmm not my size. Thanks for making me feel huge.

I came up with two alternatives... one is a denim wrap dress that I bought a while ago. It fits, it would work. The other is a dress by old navy that is not "ma*ernity" but it fits, is not awful, still not my ideal- I think it looks like a mumu this is it in dark chocolate though truthfully I think it's black with white flowers. D says it looks fine, but truthfully he tells me I look beautiful in a baggy t-shirt and boxer shorts so not a reliable critic. No it does not fall mid thigh, but more mid knee as I am a short gal. So that's a source of irritation. We shall see what I determine over the next few days. A large part of me after thinking about money etc says take the dress back and wear the denim wrap dress. It's not like I'll wear this dress other places. Granted it was cheap, but I can spend money on other things instead...

So your thoughts as always are appreciated. Fashion clueless in Michigan.

Just Doing His Job...

A few days ago a horrible thing occurred. A law enforcement officer was murdered. He was doing his job. His name was Robert Kozminski and he left behind a daughter.

I'm saddened for this family. For his parents, siblings, daughter, and I'm sure the mother of his daughter is also grieving. I hope I never am in this situation myself. Still it always reminds you when it hits closer than normal to home that it is a possiblity.

I don't generally worry about D and what he does. The same can be said about D's concern about me and my job. We both know the risks that are associated with our chosen professions. I had greater risks when I worked as a paramedic and when I contemplated flight nursing one of the questions that was asked was - what does your family think of you choosing to do this? My response was the same... D feels as if he has no room to judge. His job does carry an amount of risk to his life and limb. I have never said to him "why don't you become an accountant, it's safer." Being in law enforcement is a part of who D is. I wouldn't trade him for the world. It's the same for him. I'm a nurse. I'm a paramedic. If I chose to be a flight nurse he would have supported me 100%. The only question he would have asked was what is the helicopters safety record. It's as simple as that. We recognize that both of us love our professions. Even on the bad days and since we love each other we would never dream of asking the other to quit what they loved. Pretty simple huh... tell that to D's family. They don't understand his love of law enforcment. I think they would be happier if he was a firefighter. D likes firefighting, but he loves law enforcement.

D hates domestic violence calls... I used to too when I worked as a paramedic. For the same reasons that D hates them... people in those situations are usually volatile and unpredictable. Nine times out of ten things will go fine, but there's always that one in ten that don't. You always hope when you receive that call that today is not the one out of ten.

So please - say a prayer for this gentleman as well as his coworkers and fellow officers. Remember cops are not out to get you. If you follow the law they leave you alone... it's when you don't that they have to do their job.

3 Dogs In the Bed and the Littlest One Said...

I'm crowded... roll over... so they all rolled over and one fell out...

Remember the song on Sesame Street about the bears in the bed. No?? Well I do. Right now I'm experiencing this phenomenon with Ernie, Megan and Lola in bed with me. Lola is a bed hog. Megan is a bed hog who also tends to pedal with her paws kicking you. Ernie wants to be right next to you. So where the heck am I to sleep?

Normally our king size bed has D, Lola and myself in it. It works usually. Ernie is generally on the floor until we fall asleep then he sneaks his 84 lb body into the bed. Sometimes the sneaking works. Sometimes we wake up and say get in your bed Ernie. Ultimately it depends on how much he wants to crowd us out. Lola during the summer months is not as great to have in the bed as one might think. She's a heat hound and adds degrees to an already warm situation.

So this is my sleeping arrangment. Yes - it is what it is and it is what we make of it. Normally this is not a problem. This morning my allowing Meg and Ernie in the bed means that when D gets home Ernie will hopefully sleep in his bed, Meg in her kennel and Lola well Lola will sleep wherever she darn well pleases. She's a queen you know. Drama queen that is.

My mother left on Wednesday to go home. We were able to accomplish quite a few things while she was here. Not that there are not a lot more things that need to be accomplished because they do.

Stuff about pregnancy is coming...










We're pretty boring here. I have my appointment on July 25th that will also include another look at the NN. The shower is slated for July 28th and truthfully I have no idea what to wear or even buy to wear or even how I could look marvelous. Renovations are occurring with the NN but that whole "popping" thing is not apparent yet. I'm fine with that. D's fine with that. Everyone else - is apparently waiting with bated breath for me to suddenly pop and make it apparent that I am indeed pregnant rather than fluffy.

I can still sleep on my stomach. Please don't hate me. My body is just weird. Although we've known that for a while now right?

I'll be 28 weeks on Sunday and I feel like I can at the very least take a deep breath and go - phew. Likelihood of survival at this point is way better and while a NICU stay is not something I want, at least I know what I would be in for as I've taken care of 28 weekers. However the NN has been given strict orders to keep it's ass inside until at least 36 weeks. I'm trying to get all things arranged for the whole fmla and such. D's work paperwork is awful. It makes no sense. Although mine is not much better.

We're trying to figure out who will take care of the 6 dogs when we go to have the NN. I'm tempted to talk to both my mom and D's dad to make sure a plan is in place. I worry about my dogs and I know D doesn't want to have to worry about them while we're trying to have the NN. Boarding the animals is not an option - 6 dogs plus boarding expenses = way too expensive. That and half of our dogs can't have the kennel cough vaccine as they're allergic. Yes - my dogs are pansies.

We'll figure it out. We always do.

Next week I'm going to try and post some pics of all the dogs. They are so beautiful and such characters... I know I haven't done a post just about dogs in a while. I plan on doing that soon.

Finally normal... at least for the moment.

Just an FYI - if you're in the trenches there will be stuff about the NN at the end. I'll give warning when I get there.

House cleaning is underway. Actually D and I are really not the ones behind this drive, but my mom is. Mom loves to clean. She also loves to iron and fold laundry. I'm not kidding. My dad drew the line when my mom started ironing his underwear as he worked road construction and who needs starched undies? She used to iron the sheets. She no longer does these things, however she irons all her clothes. My sister takes after my mom. I don't. I can't live up to that cleanliness. I can't even live up to all that ironing. So housekeeping wise I'm much more relaxed than both my mother and my sister.

It means that I have chaos where they have control. I prefer the term controlled chaos. Which is also how I refer to my job in the ICU. Seriously - when the poop hits the fan it's a controlled chaos if all are on board. Just a side note... I hate the month of July. Two words - new residents. I know one thing for certain - I do not plan on getting sick during the month of July. It's just not the time of year that you want to deal with fresh faced recent graduates of medical school that do not look old enough to shave their legs or their faces. Boy - do I sound old or what?

So my house is being wrestled into submission by my mom. I'm letting her do her thing. My mom is a notorious snoop so sometimes it's fun to hide things and see if she finds them and then see if she asks about the items. So far any inappropriate items she has not asked about. She may wait until D goes to work to do that.

The dogs all adore her. They follow her around and stare at her and just universally adore her. It's comical.

Now for the normal part... because 6 dogs is never normal.
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Yesterday was one of our prenatal visits. I had to do the gestational diabetes screen and also have a blood count checked. Let me just say about that GD screen - that 50 grams of glucose is awful. I was fine until about one hour after drinking it then all I wanted to do was throw up. I felt awful. I did check my fingerstick blood sugar after the 1 hour mark in the hopes that I would be able to figure out if I was "close" to the pass/fail. My blood sugar 1 hour after by fingerstick was 130. So I was hopeful I would pass, but stranger things have happened. The lab tech said - oh you'll get your results in 48-72 hours what with the holiday. Yeah uhm not acceptable. This is one of the reasons why I always have things drawn and faxed to me. It's simpler. I hate waiting for a phone call where they say - all is fine without any details. I'm a nurse for goodness sake and I want numbers. I want concrete information. These are the people who will say "congrats you're pregnant" and not leave a beta hcg number. Unacceptable in my world. I also requested the complete blood count as my history of ITP at least warrants checking on those bugger platelets.

The rest of the appointment was fine. We'll have another u/s at our next appointment so that we can view all the heart structures. We did not disclose our echo done by my doctor friend. It was off the record remember. Weight gain, heartrate 150, measuring fine.

I did finally receive the results for the GD screen after calling and leaving a message. 119 - so I passed. This of course does not mean I'll be going out and having 10 sundaes, but it means I could if I wanted to. My hemoglobin was 12 and my platelets were 204. 204 is a very good number as I've not seen that since I was probably 15. My numbers tend to be in the high 80's to mid 100's. However in pregnancy I have noticed that my platelet counts tend to be higher than they normally are - but with ITP things can change quickly and dramatically. No one knows why my counts look so good and truthfully I'm just going to be happy that they are.

So for now... all is normal and quiet at the six canine house...

Friends- I've missed you...

In real life I have a limited amount of friends. By friends I mean people I whole heartedly trust with the truth and who I do not sugar coat a thing. It's not that I'm not friendly - okay maybe I'm not. I tend to look at people as if they've grown 2 heads when I see them act in a manner that well I just can't do. So there are few friends that are coworkers and truthfully my true friends are always there for me so branching out and becoming "more popular" really isn't something I think of doing. I'm a take me as I am kind of woman and it's pretty much take it or leave it. I will admit to being way too open about some things and way too closed off about others - it's my own personal quirk.

However - when I started blogging and started branching out I found a community of mostly women who I felt if I had met them in real life I would have been able to be friends with them. The first is DD who is recently back from vacation. I've missed her wit and sarcasm and just her. The second is Dino D who just welcomed her daughter into the world - shh she doesn't like attention and likes to stay low on the radar, however her bite really isn't that bad :) Both of these women are amazing. I am fairly certain that I would be able to enjoy myself with them if we were to meet in real life and I am fairly certain I would NOT look at them as if they've grown 2 heads.

Ultimately I'm glad they're both back and blogging. I've missed them. Boy do I sound like a sap.

Now on with the real thoughts- regarding battle axe - aka grandma. D has not called her. D does not plan to. D almost bought her a totally inappropriate card to send to her as a way to say "f off". I reigned him in. Primarily because I know as well as you that I would be the one to take the blame for that one - you know me and my liberal ways. I've tried to get D to call his mom and was met with resistance. Normally D and his mom are close. However his mom has a very bad tendency to stick her head in the sand and right now D is over the whole blindness that apparently afflicts his family. However at times he's also afflicted with it. He's kind of going with the whole - lets ignore it and maybe it'll go away thought process that and talking to my mother and trying to pin her feelings down is like trying to wrestle with an alligator, but a lot less bloody. I am of the lets throw the bomb in and see what casualties we can have repaired before too long - this could of course just be me being cranky. In other news - the transcript will be here before the shower. I am awaiting a price which I then have to send in and then they will type it up and send it to me. I will then hand it to D and he will then handle the matter with his family. My mom is well aware of this situatioin and asked what D hopes to accomplish from this. D wants his dad in particular to understand why he feels the way he does. I don't know if the transcript will help or not, but I know I'm going to give it my best shot so my husband will quit feeling as if he has to justify his feelings in the matter. Family stuff sucks.

Thank goodness my family is currently behaving themselves, though truthfully this whole b*by shower stuff is hard for me to deal with. Apparently I am supposed to have an opinion. I don't, but what the heck. My mom is here for at least a few more days - so Ernie is acting like an idiot. The puppies adore her and Lola and Chance are battling it out to see who gets to sleep with her. Meg just comes and lays on her lap. My mom is universally adored. D and mom had fun shopping yesterday - though D kept losing her. Only to come find me and ask - have you seen your mom?

D keeps talking about when my mom will live with us. He's looking forward to it. Trying to talk her out of making a rash decision in regards to a house and just enjoying having her here visiting. It is so different from when his parents are here. We've actually accomplished some things like - emptied out the closet in the NN room and actually having a clean floor and semi clean kitchen. It's amazing what my mom's motivation will do to D. It's like having a cleaning husband which is great. He vacuumed, he dusted. He DUSTED... again nice.

Not much else going on here... work has called twice this weekend - Friday and Saturday in the hopes I would come in. Nope... didn't. I have a stupid class I must take before the NN arrives that work has scheduled for 9 days before the NN arrival is estimated to arrive. If I don't take the class and I expire then I'll have to pay for it. So I'm looking into other ways of taking it - namely my paying for it. Such a pain. We shall see.

Zero tolerance and... It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...

This week has been interesting - I've had to argue with our flexible spending account and am in the process of trying to make that all work out. I've got to still get the piece of paper to prove that our "prescription toothpaste prevedent" is actually what we purchased.

I've been playing phone tag with the county clerk as we're trying to get a transcript of "pe*ophile cousins" plea hearing. I've spoken to an assistant district attorney and know the full details of the crime he committed. The reason why we're going to this length is that D's family still does not understand why we are staying away. We both do not want my in laws to feel as if we're staying away from them, but we can not and will not go to family functions until we are assured he will not be there. We will NOT expose our child to this individual and we hope that when they learn the extent of his crime they will feel the same way. Taking this stance in a family that tends to put their head in the sand is difficult. We're the bad guys right now. The story that was told to my in laws is much different than what actually happened. We've been fighting this battle for about 2 years now and while I'm tired of it, I also know I am not giving up the fight. If it is one of the last things I do for D - this is important that his father understands. I don't think he really cares if his mom does as he feels she has been brainwashed for too many years to be able to take the hard line that we have. D's dad is hopefully able to read the transcript and understand that what he was told was a lie... a cover... a white wash of what actually happened. Everyone seems to forget that D is a cop and I am a nurse and that both of us deal with children that are abused on a way too frequent basis. Even if we didn't we would feel the same way. Zero tolerance... that is what we have.

In other news we've manage to piss off grandma again. Grandma being D's grandma. I prefer the term battle axe and old b*tch. Spiteful vindictive woman... No I don't have any anger at this woman at all? Her sil - D's great aunt was admitted to the hospital - we had no idea of this until she was transferred to a larger hospital and into their ICU. We were getting sketchy reports as to why she was in ICU and after a phone call to the hospital I learned she was in "guarded" condition. That's better than critical, but not as good as stable. She's old. She's frail. She sends us Christmas cards every year and she also inquires about us. She has always been nice to me when at family gatherings and actually interacted with both D and myself. She genuinely cared. We didn't feel it was fake. We still do not. I did not talk to great aunt, but I did send an "e-greeting" to the hospital as they offered this as an option. It was maybe 2 sentences. D's great aunt and grandma truthfully don't get along all that well - grandma is b*tchy to everyone so this is not a surprise. Well great aunt was tickled by our "e-greeting" and said something to grandma about it. Grandma apparently was "hurt" that we had not sent her a card. A) she's not in the hospital, b) she never sends us cards and c) she's awful to me. Why would I send a card? My fil said "well she didn't say it, but I can read her mind and it really bothers her that D doesn't come to family functions and doesn't call." First - D didn't call before all of the above occurred and second - she's not in the hospital. If she was she'd get an "e-greeting" as well. I've since sent out a get well card to great aunt... I'm sure that will send grandma about over the edge. Piss me off and I'll send a get well card or sympathy card to her as well.

D's dad asked me to talk to D and see if he would call grandma. I laughed at this because seriously does he think I am the puppet master? I handed the phone to D and D responded to his dad with - I'll put it on my list - it's right beneath fixing that pipe in the basement that leaks that I still haven't fixed in the 2 years we've lived here. (No D isn't angry at all.) He's so happy we live over here rather than over there.

Who would have thought I'd say "thank goodness my family is "normal" Because normal is not the word to use to describe my family. So - who wants to take bets as to whether grandma will be at the baby shower? At this point I'm hoping for not.

On to the second half - It's Nice to Know I'm Not Alone...
*Pregnancy crap and paranoia ahead - be prepared*




After that conference in June I decided I needed to check out the M.I.S.S Foundation forums to see if I would find a home. A place that people would understand what I was feeling. While I know my losses were all early, my family losses tend to leave you with that inability to catch your breath just at the thought. It took me a bit, but after lurking for a while I posted my thoughts. The response I got was what I needed... it's normal. Because voicing the thoughts I've had seriously to "normal" people tends to leave them looking at you as if you've lost your freaking mind. While I know I haven't, it means I watch my words very carefully - even in this forum. I don't want smoke blown up my tookus - I want honesty. Sunday or Monday I didn't notice movement and of course a coworker had had the unlucky timing of mentioning that her daughter's gymnastic teacher had had a stillborn at 24 weeks this week and how awful that was. I came home that morning because of course NN was being a pita and not moving around like normal and grabbed the doppler out and found the heartbeat. I haven't pulled that out in a while so this was a new development. I posted this story in the forum and I finally heard "this is so normal". I needed that. I needed that because truthfully if I would have told this story to my OB he probably would have looked at me sideways and I would have had to kick him. I also know I didn't mention it to my coworkers because - again - they then look at me as if I have suddenly sprouted 2 heads.

No - I'm not comfortable with talking as if everything will be great. Primarily for the jinx factor. We're going through the motions that we are on the path of all being fine, but we are not in a comfortable state and I doubt we will be until the arrival of the NN. Making plans for the NN arrival means we talk quietly and D nags me to get on the ball about listening to the hypnobirthing cd's I should be listening to. Ultimately it means we do what is comfortable for us and what causes the least amount of anxiety. I forget that I am pregnant sometimes. My boobs are still out farther than my belly and truthfully I just look like I have a spare tire around my lower abdomen. I don't rub my belly like some pregnant women do when out in public. I don't do it because it's not something I do and also because I don't want to attract attention. Going into baby stores causes both of us anxiety - when someone asks when are you due?- we both go "God willing 9/30." Again - weird looks from store clerks. We've refused to get on mailing lists because I know how Mandy felt when things started arriving on her due date. Educating clerks about these things is always interesting. It makes me seem bitchy and paranoid and truthfully - I'm okay with that.

Ultimately in other forums - rather than this blog I do think of the happy ending.. I just can't put a voice to it yet. I probably won't be able to until the NN is here.

Wow...

I stumbled upon this on one of the message boards I frequent and I watched it and thought - wow she understands. Music is something I find comfort in and there are a few songs that hold special meaning for me. 100 years by Five for Fighting is our song. I vetoed a number of other "okay" songs, but 100 years is something that I get goose bumps even now when I listen to it. Father & Daughter by Paul Simon from The Wild Thornberry's is also special for me. It's about that love between a father and daughter and boy do I miss that.

Ultimately music soothes my soul. It's something I find comfort in and enjoy and just love. I hope this baby does as well. I'm sure I've innundated it with a number of songs that it would probably go "thumbs down" on. However I hope that there is a natural love for music as well as books. Because those are things that I feel are important.

Sorry to be quiet - while working 6 in a row things are so hectic that it's hard for me to get on the computer. Even now I should be sleeping. I have 1 more night to get through.

All Dogs Accounted For..

First - we're back.

Second - I'm glad we're back.

The trip was long and for the most part uneventful. I will post car pictures as they are quite comical. Everyone survived the trip and no one was left behind. My mom said - "I'm sure you're going to forget one dog." I asked - which one do you want me to forget? I was teasing and she was teasing. At the point of the round up of 6 dogs - D had about lost his patience with the whole trip as well as my mom, the heat, his parents, me... pretty much everyone.

Saturday arrived way too stinking early for me and I rounded up 6 dogs and put them in the car. This would have been comical if anyone had videotaped it - thank goodness no one did. I'm sure it was quite the sight to behold. I drove to pick D up and the puppies experienced for the first time baby raccoons that they probably wanted to destroy. Apparently none of our dogs are lovers of wildlife. I arrived to pick up D who was running behind due to a complaint he had to write up. So - various dogs came in and said hi. Then we were off... D chose to drive.

We stopped off at an outlet mall so I could use a gif card that would expire and purchased some items. The adult dogs were doing well with the ride. The 2 pups were a bit rambunctious. We had to switch how we were doing their seat belts and eventually got everyone straightened out. We arrived at my mom's. En route we had received a phone call from my mom who apparently had indulged a bit too much the night before at a jewelry party. She had a hang over. Yes- my 60+ year old mother had a hang over. D thought that was quite comical.

We went to lay down and take a nap and were awoken by my mom coming in to the bedroom to hand me a telephone. D's dad was on the phone and Jodi his puppy was apparently acting punky and they would not be able to come over. I told fil that that was fine and that he needed to contact the on call vet and let us know what they recommended. So multiple phone calls and Jodi was going to be taken care of.

Sunday arrived and we checked on fil and Jodi again - who apparently was starting to perk back up. Plans were made for the in laws to come over. So Sunday afternoon 7 dogs, 2 cats, 6 adults were at my mom's house. I then had to deal with the crap about the shower they wanted to throw. Not to be picky but I like food prepared a certain way. My mil sometimes does things a bit differently. I'm used to my mom changing the recipe on me frequently, but she makes sure the flavors are the same... my mil something that I thought I would like has turned into something that tasted awful. So I had huge reservations about her making food for this thing. It became a source of debate and I'm sure I looked like an ungrateful bitch, but truthfully at this point - don't care. D of course was little to no help in regards to this and just said - "She's picky." Gee thanks.

Eventually I got the point across and settled on items she could make that would hopefully turn out. We shall see. I hate showers by the way. I'm not comfortable and truthfully with the extended family situation it's just a huge pain. If it was just my family it'd be a cake walk and I wouldn't have the anxiety about it that I do. It's just not something I'm terribly excited about except to see some of my family friends and family. It'll be interesting.

Monday we visited with D's cousin's widown and seen the girls. They are adorable and precious and just such little sweet hearts. C and I enjoyed chit chatting and D got to take care of the 2 girls. We left a few hours ago and finally arrived home.

There was only a few bumps in the road... D and I while cutting rhubarb for a pie ended up getting into some stinging nettle - nothing water and steroid cream won't cure. The pie was wonderful. Pepper pooped in her kennel... atrocious smell that we cleaned up - this occurred while we were visiting with the girls. The icing on the proverbial cake - was Blue chose to destroy my laptop cord. D pulled my laptop out of the bag and put it on the floor... Blue has a bad habit of putting everything in his mouth and proceeded to tear part of it apart. So a new cord will be bought tomorrow.

Ultimately we survived. The pups were almost angels on the ride home - apparently we need to drive during night as they are much better behaved then during the day.

Phew...

It's a new day... and I'm thankful.

This year nothing bad happened on the 15th, but it hung over my head like the proverbial water bucket waiting to drop on my head. I kept looking behind me waiting for something to either hit me upside the head or drop me to the floor.

Today is the first year I haven't had to pick up the pieces in 2 years. I'm thankful for that. I'll take that as a birthday gift anytime.

Now to go feed puppies, make sure everyone goes to the bathroom and then load everyone into the car and deal with a 3-3.5 hour drive. Lets hope this goes smoothly!

Have a great weekend - mine will be fine. It's all cake from here.

Two Years...

Two years ago today at around 11 a.m. I had my first d/c and awoke to find out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The next day was my birthday and I started a blog.

One year ago today I learned that a pregnancy that had "looked promising" was actually another miscarriage. Eight days later I had my second d/c.

Understandably - the mere mention of June 15th sends some anxiety my way. Primarily because - supposedly lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place - yet that day has not been kind to me. I used to love my birthday the 16th, but now I just look at it as the day after bad things have happened. The day I have to pick up the pieces...

This year things are different and God willing they will stay that way - I have no doctor's appts scheduled. I deliberately did that because - see above. If I could drink heavily today I would... instead I'm going to have to settle for taking care of two minor errands and then coming home and curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head and sitting there with the doppler listening and poking the NN to make it move - because at least that's reassuring for a little while.

Tomorrow we will leave on a road trip to the other side of the state - with the 6 canines and D. D will probably be bitchy as he has to work tomorrow night. I plan on attempting to not be bitchy with my in laws... though that may take some effort.

Yesterday June 14th, found me at a conference on "The power of compassion - dealing with infant and child loss" the speaker was from the MISS organization. It covered miscarriage, stillborn, NICU deaths and deaths of older children. I know - what the hell was I thinking of going to that right now. However = I realized as I watched a documentary of a woman who had had 3 stillbirths and she said - "I just feel as if I keep failing and what have I accomplished in these 3 years. I have nothing to show for it. And people think I'm nuts to try again." I related to her. Because I remember feeling that way... This is my 12th pregnancy... and when you say that to someone they look at you as if you've lost your bloody mind. How could you be so stupid to keep trying and trying over and over again. I don't know how - other than to go with the thought that maybe - in some way, shape or form things will finally work out. Ultimately- I don't want to fail again.

And I'm Tired...

This work stretch was long... mentally more than physically. Although I was feeling the effects by the beginning of night 6. Yes, you read that correctly - night 6. Remember I'm a bit nuts and like to work 6 in a row. Some work stretches are harder than others. This one was harder than most. Which is probably what prompted my paranoid rant. I think it is sufficient to say - this weekend really truly sucked. I think that sums it up and the rest can be left up to your imagination.

I think most people know that I'm fairly optimistic about most things in life. Apparently pregnancy is not something I tend to be optimistic about. I know that most are here reading and going - okay did she ever get the fetal echo done. The answer is yes, I stopped in this morning to speak with the pediatric cardiologist. I was not even sure if he'd be in. He was... and we did the echo. The Not Negative's heart looks just fine. He likes to do them at 20 weeks as that's when he feels he gets the best pictures, but we were able to see what we needed to see. D and I both are relieved to know that the structures they were not able to see are all there - present and accounted for. I also asked about the risk of heart defects based on my situation. He said it did not really raise my risk substantially. That was probably comforting. However he did not make fun of my paranoia and he certainly did not act as if I was nuts. So... we can breathe a sigh of relief and still have that u/s in 4-6 weeks and take another peek at the NN.

We also this weekend that is coming up will be going to my mom's. Yes - with the 6 dogs. D needs to do a few things to help my mom out and my mom finally had a break down about Sadie. She lost her cell phone yesterday and during the phone call she said "I've lost my dog, I've lost my cell phone, I feel as if I'm losing my mind." Followed of course by tears and such. She has said she's going back on prozac - which I feel is a good thing as the last few weeks her coping skills have gone from being fabulous to non existent. Generally she goes off for a few months and is on for a few months - no clue why she just doesn't stay on all the time - stubborness. So we're going to try and cheer my mom up. Have a talk with Fred & Molly - the cats about their behavior and just drive 3 hours to do those things.

Now - I'm whipped. Tomorrow I'll be going to a meeting then to a conference called the power of compassion it's regarding infant and child loss - including miscarriage and stillbirth. The speaker is affiliated with MISS organization. I'm looking forward to it.

Welcome to Paranoid City...

My name is Sami and I'll be your guide :)

I'm going to give a warning out there that this is probably paranoid. That most people wouldn't be as uptight as I am. However I need to remind all of you of a couple of facts then get on with the story. First - we've had 11 miscarriages/ectopic pregnancies/ early exits/whatever you want to call them they sucked. Second - my family history sucks in regards to pregnancies... late problems are not uncommon and by problems I mean stillborn and miscarriages. Third - my sister had a baby that was born still with heart defects. Fourth - the NN would not cooperate for the u/s and show his/her heart structures so that all 4 chambers of the heart are there working together. That's an important picture - it is the proverbial money shot to diagnose defects.

So... while my doctor was pretty nonchalant about the lack of the "money shot" he did say we would need another u/s at 28-30 weeks. I love pictures of the NN, but I would rather "know" than "not know" in regards to the heart. This weekend I had the pleasure to be able to talk to a pediatric cardiologist and he said - heck come to my office for a fetal echo and we can say if all the structures are there or not. Mind you my ob hasn't mentioned a fetal echo, just that we need to get more pictures. Now here's where I run into paranoia... Remember I'm a peds nurse in an ICU... I see the bad and I see the good, and I see the babies that have their defects repaired and the ones that are just diagnosed due to lack of prenatal care etc. So... sooner = time for me to know and time for me to learn and time for me to figure out and get comfortable with any interventions if the NN had a heart defect. Finding out later means I don't have as much time, yet I spend a few days going - all is fine it all looked good to the little shit wouldn't show all of it's heart we have no idea if it is "normal" or not. Either way I'm obsessing right?

So... I emailed the doc (ped cardio guy) and am awaiting his response. Different things are on the internet as to who should have a fetal echo. One of them was a patient that had a family history of heart defects. The question is - are we saying 1 sibling having a baby with a heart defect equals someone who should have one or are we saying - multiple individuals with heart defects in the family. I asked him these questions.

I'll keep you posted, but would love your thoughts.

Don't worry I am enjoying this NN take 12, I just want to know that "everything looks fine" rather than be in that land of am I being too optimistic or am I being pessimistic. D of course is no help - he said - "will the insurance cover it" and I said "I think so?" and his response "well then lets have someone who knows the heart rather than someone who knows hooha's tell us all is well." Got to love him...

Just another day at the vet...

Remember how I said things were going swimmingly with Blue & Pepper's nip/tuck procedure?

No - good cause... apparently I was mistaken.

While Blue has been fine and his wound looks as if it is healing nicely - his wanker no longer appears to be bruised and he's just going on with life as normal. Pepper was fine as well up until... Tuesday. D apparently found a lump near her incision, but of course did not say anything to me because - well hell I don't know why.

Yesterday D said - "Hey, did you get a chance to look at Pepper's wound?" When I responded no - he suggested I take a look. So I did and he looked as well and said - "Hmm that's a bigger lump than was there yesterday." So it was 5:30 pm and I called the vet who told me - "You'll need to bring her in to see if we need to drain it - 10:45 alright?"

So this morning off we went to the vet. You know our second home with the uncomfortable chairs? Yeah that place. We took Blue along because - well he doesn't like to be without Pepper so off we go. Ernie of course came along as well because - well Ernie's a big giant wimp who doesn't like to be in his kennel so we avoid it if we can.

So it was D, me, and the 3 weims... on the road again. It gave us a glimpse of what it's going to be like with all 6 next week. It was not a pretty glimpse. Imagine this...

All dogs belted in their seat belts... behaving like good dogs?? Well that wasn't our car so move over to the next car... All dogs belted into their seat belts and Ernie setting on Pepper. Blue trying to find anything he can chew on -paper, plastic, whatever he can get his greedy little mouth on. Pepper twisting in her seat belt. Yep that's a better image and that's how it truly went.

We arrived at the vet's and went in with Pepper and Blue because - again - they go together like salt & pepper. Eventually the vet tech comes out and says - I'll just take Pepper back. Pepper apparently had a flashback and decided that going back meant she was staying and hell not that wasn't happening. She put on her brakes and had to be half carried back there. Blue meanwhile tried to follow. He then stood and stared at where she left and whined. Pitifully. No amount of reassurance from us made him believe for 2 seconds that she was coming back.

Then - she was back. She apparently developed a seroma or hematoma at the site and it was drained. If it becomes that big again - we'll have to drain it again, but usually these things apparently do well after the first draining. The vet tech asked us to try and keep her quiet for the next few weeks and D and I both looked at each other and laughed. There isn't enough tranquilizers in the state to keep Pepper quiet for that long. She's a busy girl. We'll do our best. Rough housing will be out for at least a little while and hopefully this thing will heal on its own without us having to take her back in again.

Blue was happy to be reunited with his sister. He and Pepper stared at the vet tech as if to say - see - we're a team. They both were sitting at the time which was the comical part.

So that was my morning - how was yours?

Warning

This post for those that are sensitive to pregnancy things is about the Not Negative take 12... Just wanting to give you the warning so you don't feel drive by'd.
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Yesterday was our big ultrasound... while I have been feeling movements namely on my right upper quadrant and right lower quadrant... leading me to believe the NN was head down and doing fine - that hasn't saved me from some anxiety about this ultrasound. Namely - heart defects. Finding out a gender is just an added perk and I will not be announcing the gender on this blog until the end of July. We've chosen to keep the gender a secret from our families and surprise them with the gender at the shower that will be happening at that time. That way both moms will find out at the same time. I know how mean can I be right?

So - ultrasound and ob appt... fun times. D had no sleep to speak of going into this which makes for a cranky husband and leads to a cranky wife. He was excited about seeing the NN again though so shaped up prior to going into the doctor's office - however the drive up - cranky husband... I fed him a s*nickers and told him to eat it and knock it off. I was guzzling the required 2 cups of water and that if he wanted to listen to me b*tch about my full bladder than I would listen to his whining about lack of sleep. He ate the bar and drank his coffee and life became so much better.

We arrived on time to our appointment and went in and waited. Waited... waited... waited... and waited. So much for being on time right? Finally our name was called and the u/s tech apologized for the wait however they repaired the vcr so we would get a tape of the proceedings.

From the get go she did some quick measurements and NN was being a wiggly worm. Moving all over the place and being a stinker about holding still. We had told her in advance that we did want to know the gender, however we want to keep the pictures off the VCR tape of the NN's gender as we don't want the grandparents to know. She agreed to these conditions and printed off a picture with the gender on it and this is what I'll be putting in the cards to the grandparents.

On to more pictures - posterior placenta check, 2 arms- check, 2 legs- check, 2- kidneys check, bladder - check, 3 vessel cord - check, and so on... the NN is head down and not looking as if it wants to move from that particular spot as it also likes to have it's hands up by it's face. Getting the hands off the face took forever. NN pretty much swatted at the u/s wand when it bounced on my belly as if to say - "Shoo away I'm sleeping here!" I highly doubt it was sleeping as you could see arms and legs flailing all over the place - mostly legs. The heart pictures proved difficult which to me are some of the most important ones... as of right now everything looks good but we will have to go back for more pictures of the heart in 2 appointments.

I'll be posting updated u/s pictures at the NN website sometime today/tomorrow. D has to scan them and then we have to upload them and go from there.

Ultimately we are just happy that the NN appears healthy and whole and has the requisite fingers, toes, organs, etc. Now we just have to get through the next 16 and a half weeks. Viability is on the horizon and I am anxious to at the very minimum get past 24 weeks although I'd much rather be 28 weeks or greater as then I think I could take a deep breath.

Next appointment is in July so we'll try to keep things quiet on our end until then.

11 years and a day...

June 3rd, 1996 - a very special pup was born. I didn't meet him until August while visiting my sister and that day changed my life. Chancellor Sebastien became my dog.

He almost had me disowned from my family as when my mother heard the news she wouldn't speak to me. She was very vocal in her yelling about it once I got home. She even gave my sister an earful. I was 18 and I would be going off to college and to a new apartment and I brought home a puppy. I did of course check to make sure I could have a puppy in the apartment complex, but still. I did think about it before I bought him. I thought for all of 2 seconds. He was adorable. He was being run aground by a terrier. He had a blue eye and a brown eye. He looked at me with love.

Chance won my mom over by grabbing a newspaper and running around with it over his head - he then ran into a table and yelped. My mom dropped the phone she was yellling at my sister on and ran and picked him up - making sure he was okay. Chance spent about 4 weeks with my parents - being house broken and loved. My mom was devestated when they brought Chance to me. However Chance had been missing me from the get go. He would lay in my clothes or steal something of mine that smelled of me and keep it in his kennel.

Over the years Chance has been there for everything. He was there for the bad dating years... for the schmuck years, for the online dating year, and for the day I met D. Of all the men that walked through my door - D was the only one Chance did not try and do something to. By something I mean - eat a wallet, shoe, pee on them, jump in their laps and give them kisses whenever they attempted to kiss me... etc. Chance liked D. Now... Chance loves D - not as much as he loves me, but still he loves D.

Chance was also known as "freak dog" for a number of years - now he's just a mouth rather than a freak. However he is efficient at opening water bottles, finding food and figuring out ways to sit on the kitchen counter. The dog is resourceful.




Chance is a doxie and doxies have back problems. Chance has been blessed to not show the signs he did in previous years - when the whether changed whether it be good or bad he would limp and the sensation would get a bit off in his hind quarters. He has been blessed to survive an awful attack by Meg. I thought for sure that he was a goner once we saw the extent of the wounds and now - he's lost a pound and a half and it's like he's got a new lease on life. He's spry - he's fast, he runs... all things he never would have done 6 months ago.

Chance is many things - a mouthy, obstinate, loveable, caring dog - who has been with me through thick, thin and everything in between. I am blessed to have found this dog. D and I both love him and hope that we have at the very least a few more good years with Chance.

Happy Birthday Chance - we celebrated yesterday as you got yourself some ice cream, but now the whole world knows it's your day... may we have many more.

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...


All of our dogs (D & mine) are fine... however this is for Sadie.

Sadie was my parents dog. She was a golden lab. She initially was the dog that my dad got after his stroke. This dog went everywhere with him. To the pronto mart for morning coffee even, to the doctor's office, etc etc. Rarely was she left home. After my dad's death she became my mom's dog. She was in my mom's mind a link to my dad. Sadie helped my mom get through those initial days, weeks, months after the loss of my dad. Granted she also became a reason for my mom to go to my dad's grave and give him a talking to about his dog, but that was more due to the fact he neglected to let anyone know that she had panic attacks during storms. We learned this the hard way when she pounced on my mom in the middle of the night before the storm hit and was hyperventilating. Gee- thanks dad.

Sadie was a very sweet golden lab who only wanted to be loved. You'd yell at her for a transgression and she'd put her head down, blink her eyes at you and wag her tail at you begging for forgiveness. She and Fred (a yellow cat of my parents) had a weird relationship - I say weird, as you'd always find the two of them licking one another and laying together. It was odd to say the least. Granted Fred is an odd cat anyway.

Sadie was there when my dad died. Sadie would not let the paramedics in to take care of my dad and had to be put in his truck until he was taken to the hospital. That night when D went to the house - he found Sadie just staring at the spot where he assumed my dad had laid. She then quietly walked over to him and put her head on his leg as if to ask - "are you sure?" D said it broke his heart and it did mine because once I got home with my mom - she was still staring at that spot in the kitchen. We had to drag her away from it. My mom let Sadie sleep in the bed with her that night for the first time. Sadie slept in my dad's spot and doted on my mom. She helped my mom through those initial days and I am so thankful for her as is D.

Sadie had had a leg wound for a while that my mom had been taking her to the vet for. However after a few months of this wound still not healing my mom sought out a second opinion after Sadie attacked Fred putting a large gash in Fred's ear. This was on top of the other personality changes that she had had which made her unpredictable at best - she was suddenly destroying things in the house which she had never done and her response to Ernie, Chance and Lola was becoming unpredictable. After running more tests, prescribing more medicine and waiting for those results the results were in. Sadie had cancer and it was advanced. My mom beat herself up about this because she had been taking Sadie to another vet for months and had been told it wasn't cancer. If only... granted the outcome probably would be the same, but my mom feels awful that by the time Sadie was diagnosed it was too late to do any good. In the last month while Sadie did not appear to lose weight she had lost 20 lbs.

Yesterday June 2, was Sadie's last day on this earth. She spent her last night with my mom and my mom was with her when she passed. Sadie will be cremated and her ashes will be placed near my dad's grave. We figure that that is where he would want her to be. I am positive that animals have a place in heaven... because animals are part of God's creatures and they make humans happy... everyone has a different view of what their heaven is like - mine has a lot of animals in it as I'm sure my dad's did as well. Sadie and my dad are reunited again... I hope she gave him a big ole lick - yes she'd probably get yelled at, but I think it's fitting that he get a lick since he hid that fear of storms from all of us.

Rest well Sadie girl...

All is quiet - for the moment...

I have six doggies sleeping in my bedroom - three on the bed and three in their kennels! Life is always good when everyone is sleeping!

Today I take Blue & Pepper to the vet for their procedures so that we won't have any more puppies. While I hate having them be in pain for anything I also know I do NOT want to deal with more puppies in the future. We are not breeders - heck we're not even breeders in the human form why the hell would we be in the dog form? So - it is a necessary thing to do. We'll pick up the two puppies this afternoon and they'll have to rest for a few days and then life is back to normal so to speak.

D says thank you to all the wonderful birthday wishes. He received coffee as his birthday gift from me. I know so terribly loving and sweet aren't I? I think right now we're both so busy trying to get things done, working 10-12 hours at our jobs - his is 10, mine is 12 that we're really just wanting a vacation. However - no vacation in sight. It's our lot in life - that right now vacation time is absent and we'll just have to deal with life as it goes.

We're planning on going out to eat this weekend to celebrate our birthdays and have a relaxing night at home. I know we're such exciting people. I worked my 6 day stretch and spent yesterday recovering from it. Slept all day and all night - and miraculously I did not have tail bone pain which has been occurring at frequent intervals while at work during the night. It's there then it goes away -and boy do I love when it goes away as it's a nagging ache not that painful, just constantly there for a bit then it goes away. We googled it and found there's really not a whole hell of a lot you can do for tail bone pain. Gee - thanks.

My friend from work who is due a few days after me found out she's having a GIRL :D I'm tickled for them as I think they will be great parents in general and a girl of theirs will definitely be a hoot to watch grow up! She will be very well loved and very well spoiled and all those things are good things. I'm working on getting my registry done- though I feel like I'm an idiot in regards to these things and have basically just followed a book to see what I need/don't need.

Other than that... life is good. As always we're taking one day at a time. Isn't that all one really can do?

Happy Birthday

Twenty-nine years ago something special happened... D was born.

Four years ago in April he walked up to my house and knocked on my door... my life has not been the same since. I am so very thankful and lucky to have found such a fabulous man. Through everything - we knew we could count on one another and that we each had the other's back. He only once got frustrated with the whole 2 years of trying... whenever I said lets try this - he agreed. He isn't bothered by having 6 dogs in the house and he loves the hoodlums all equally. He loves my mom. He's a great son-in-law and son. He knows what I'm thinking before I even have to say it. He loves me unconditionally...

Happy Birthday my love... may the years continue to get better and better.

I Survived...

The weekend is over and boy are we happy to have our home back. It was nice to visit, but it is such a different type of visit with my in laws vs my mom.

Friday I had set up a dinner with some friends from another bulletin board and told D that I was not changing it just because his parents were coming to visit. We set this date up in April and his parents announced the weekend before they came that they were coming. Both could be done, it's just that his parents would be left with 6 dogs and their puppy for a brief period of time before I got home.

Friday while at dinner - I received a phone call from D. D wanted to know whether I was on my way home yet. I responded "No." He was slightly agitated... apparently his parents were there and that he just was worried about leaving the dogs with his parents. Mind you - he leaves the dogs with my mom without looking back. So I told him I would be home shortly. Finished dinner and then called him. Apparently he was worried that his parents just wouldn't be able to handle the dogs, puppies, etc. They had Jodi with them and while Jodi is very well behaved the addition of the other two puppies to the mix leads to puppy chaos.

Quite comical puppy chaos. I arrived home shortly after we talked, reassurred D that none of his precious pups had been let out unsupervised and that all were accounted for. I have to laugh at this because I think it gives you a glimpse as to why we have said we're not planning on having them baby sit? I came home, let the 2 pups out. Outside they went and were well behaved little hoodlums running, playing, attacking one another - poor Blue is the low man on the totem pole - he's a pushover. He's all of 44 lbs and just is kind of the one who everyone dominates. Pepper weighs in at about 38 lbs and Jodi is about the same. So he's got 6 lbs on them and he's still the one you find on the ground most days. He's a mellow fellow. The 2 girls on the other hand - wow watch them run. Speed demons is an understatment.

Brought the 2 puppies back in and let the 2 big dogs out to romp. Back they go and then out come the 2 dachshunds... eventually after everyone had been out once I let the puppies back out as well as Lola and Ernie. So we had 5 dogs to watch and I watched all 5 of the little agnels. It was fine - they played and played and played.

D arrived home the next morning and between my cooking breakfast for everyone and feeding all the dogs we got everything accomplished. However - we had to come up with something for his parents to do while we slept - because I tend to stay on the night schedule while D works - it makes it easier for both of us - he doesn't get interrupted sleep. So we sent them to a car museum and had them leave Jodi with us. Jodi - the poor puppy thought she'd been abandoned by my fil. The poor thing whimpered, cried, etc for about 3 hours. Finally she went to sleep with Blue. I say finally because in all honesty we were able to get maybe 2-3 hours sleep total. She is completely attached to my fil - which is a good thing. It's what weim's do. It's what she's supposed to do. She remembered us, but she didn't want us.

So dinner was eventually made and D and I asked his mom some questions about her diabetes. It didn't go all that well. She doesn't check her blood sugar. Her hemoglobin A1C is elevated which leads one to conclude that her blood sugars are not well controlled. My husband loves his mom... and I love her- she's a good mom even if she is wishy washy... she loves D and that counts for a lot. D knows what these things mean - that his mom is playing russian roullette with her life. He talked with my mom about it as my mom was going to get my mil another glucometer. His words - "you can get her 50 glucometers and it's not going to change that she just doesn't think it will happen to her." She doesn't believe all the bad things that can happen will happen. I can talk until I'm blue in the face - and I do. I badger, and nag and make sure that all the stuff I bring to family functions is low or no sugar added. I do this because it's important not just to me, but to D, and to her future grandchildren. Want to know what she brought? A cake with chocolate frosting for D's bday, a box of donut holes, and chips. FIL told us that she ate a large ice cream cone during the day at the museum. I know it's only a matter of time before something bad does happen... it's just a matter of time.

I don't know what to say to even begin to make her understand just how much this bothers her only child - D. He worries about her. He worries because he knows bad things can and do happen and while you may not be able to prevent them - you don't have to court them.

All in all everything went fine - my fil kept asking me if i was eating enough for two. I finally grabbed a baby book and handed it to him and said - see no where in there does it say that you're supposed to eat as if you're two adults. Your grandchild is fine. We spent way too many months for me to starve it to death. I know I'm such a loving daughter in law right?

The Heart...

First this is a bit late, but say a prayer for Gabe and his family...

I just found them through another blog, but it's odd timing. I say odd because in the past few days I've taken care of a couple of kids with heart defects. Heart defects are something I have a personal story with... my sister's first child Erin was born still at 26 weeks and later was found to have heart defects and would have needed open heart surgery within 24 hours of birth if she had been born alive. So caring for kids that have these issues is a privilege for me. If Erin would have been born alive she'd be 17. It's also hard for me because I do worry about whether or not the Not Negative has a heart defect... which is one reason why I'm not pushing the doctor to do the u/s earlier than he wants -because his words of - "we'll be able to see the heart structures more easily" stuck with me.

I also was in the NICU and wow... those are some tiny babies... it made me think a lot about what if's. I know a few NICU grads so to speak... V is one and she's a glowing example of a great outcome... however I've also cared for some NICU grads and there prognosis and outcomes were not as great. Granted - I work in a pediatric intensive care - most of what I see doesn't have great outcomes... but it definitely makes you think and it definitely makes you thankful for what you do know and have. D is always horrified after I come home from work - if he asks how things went and then learns of what I took care of through the night he generally gets all glassy eyed and wants a beer. (Don't worry he did this when I worked in the adult intensive care as well) so I unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it see some of the worst things that can happen and sometimes those worst things work out and end positively... and sometimes they don't.

It also reminds me I need to finalize my advanced directive... still haven't filled out all the forms. I think we'll be doing that at my next doctor's appointment. It's precautionary. I don't want anyone... to try and usurp D's rights to make decisions for me if I'm not able... and D feels the same way. Yes - I'm a paranoid sort - but that's part of may allure :D I'm a planner - though you would not know that sometimes...

In other news- In law visit this weekend... house is a wreck. Fun times I tell ya. I have no food in the house so this should be interesting. Our favorite restaraunt has smoke damage and may not be an option for food come Saturday night so I'm trying to come up with something... D grilled last week on cedar planks and that was good, but I just don't know. D will have to work Friday night when his folks show up so I get to spend an evening alone with my in laws rather than curled up in my bed with my dogs. Yes - I'm whining. Yes - I'm fine with that. So any ideas for how to spend an evening with the in laws? Think I can get them soused and send them to bed???? I'm just not looking forward to question and answer time... D will leave the house at 8:30 so they generally don't go to bed until after 10 or 11 pm... so that's 2.5 hours of me and them alone... fun times I tell ya. Here's hoping it's not as bad as I fear it will be.

Treading Water

The Dramalish's submission. Yes - I'm a sap. I'm fine with her statement that the film is cheezy, but truthfully I thought it explained better than I can even put into words how I feel. I may even direct my mil to see this film. I'll tell her to not speed ahead to the happy ending, but actually listen and read what she is saying, because that's where we are...

I think even the most empathetic and sympathetic people still cannot fathom infertility if they have not experienced it. I'm fine with trying to explain my feelings, but please quit looking at me as if I have 2 heads and thinking that I am filled with nothing but doom and gloom and seriously quit asking me if we're going to have another child after this one - because we haven't even gotten to this one yet. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

At work most people know that the Not Negative has hitched a ride... and that leads to questions. Questions I'm not really all that comfortable with... talk to me in September or October when I have a live baby in my hands is what I want to say. Yet - I can't. That's not polite and well - truthfully most of these individuals mean well. Instead I try to explain why I am the way I am... why I am reserved about this whole deal.

Even D doesn't totally get it. Infertility affected him, but it was different. (not that my feelings about it are all that sane, but they're different than his and yes he does have some scars from all of what we went through) it's just that he has settled into the comfort zone while I am still feeling like I got left out in the middle of the ocean with me and my trusty life jacket. My head is above water, but occasionally I get dunked and feel like I'm drowning. Mind you these feelings generally have absolutely nothing to do with the chaos at our house and everything to do with will this work out and if it doesn't what hole can I crawl into and what alcoholic beverages will I take with me.

So for now... I'm still here. I haven't inhaled too much water.

The puppies will be posting soon - more pictures next week of the little hoodlums - maybe even all 6... My in laws will be coming next week... I don't even know what to say about that other than I wish my mom was coming to help get things ready... it's easier when she's here and can be a buffer.

Thanks for listening to my rant, ramble, etc... I'm going with this is just hormones... right?

Photos to make you smile!

First you might have noticed that I changed some labels... I apparently can't count. What I thought was number 11 on the pregnancy scale is actually number 12. So I changed the label and then thought to myself god I'm an idiot. However in my defense once you've hit double digits it tends to be a little difficult to keep track of things or at least keep things straight. That and 11 sounded a bit better than 12, however I then thought better of it and decided no this is number 12 and we'll be okay with number 12. Besides it's a nice round number.

I know I've been remiss in putting up pictures lately. Partly due to lack of time and dial up is so slow. However I am too cheap to spend the money on whatever the faster service is out in the boonies that I live in.

So... without further ado I give you Ernie - please ignore the mess on the floor. This is Ernie in his bed. He pulled the green blanket down to be in his bed and then proceeded to fluff it up so that it was his pillow. Yes - he's a princess. Which if I get the opportunity I will show you just how much of a princess he is as he sleeps in Lola's "pink princess bed" yes the bed actually has a crown on the center of the pillow and it says princess. Ernie doesn't care he's all about comfort and even though he doesn't fit in it he loves the thing. Dino this was for you ;)



The next photo is of the infamous shower cleaners. One of the things with having 6 dogs and having an Ernie well you run out of water in the water dish quite frequently. Chance decided long ago that he preferred fresh water rather than water from a bowl so everyone eventually learned that the shower was the preferred drinking area. It also means that we don't have to deal with Ernie and the puppies slopping and dripping water all over the place. They don't clean the shower, but for some odd reason every single one of them would rather drink water out of the shower than out of a bowl. So the water is always cold and they get their fill whenever we go into the bathroom. This picture is of the 3 hoodlums - Ernie, Pepper and Blue are drinking... a more comical picture will occur soon - of the puppies and Lola drinking - getting those 3 on camera is a big effort. Actually getting a picture of the puppies not in motion is quite teh challenge.



So enjoy my babies... I'll post some of the other yahoos soon I promise.

Puppy Play Dates

I'm going to start with stuff about the puppies... and end with stuff about the Not Negative... so you've been warned.

This afternoon we had a playdate... it was fun. Granted 2 puppies in a car that haven't really been exposed to their seatbelts was a bit chaotic. D wasn't listening to me when I said - give them a short leash and gave the puppies way too much room to roam. It was a puppy free for all in my back seat. Needless to say we did make it to our destination in one piece. The 3 pups were reunited and they had a blast. Granted a lot of poop occurred, but what's a puppy without some poop.

I had a great time with Bert's new owner and learned some things like she's a fellow infertile... she understands this. All of you would love her as she's just a great lady as is her husband. Sometimes you meet people and bond in the strangest ways... dogs and infertility - it's quite a heady cocktail. Ultimately I know we'll be getting together again with Bert and his owners... both big and tall owners and letting them run on our property will be quite the adventure.

Now on to the not negative news - I added a link in the "about me" title - it's to the not negative's website. I had to do a website for my in laws. No belly shots will be posted - it's just not my cup of tea - I look at others and think that's great - but it's just not something I can do. I have enough body issues that putting a picture of my stomach anywhere on the internet is just not going to happen. However I will show you pictures of u/s photos if you are up to it - if you do visit - feel free to sign the guestbook and let me know you're there. Most of the posts are addressed more towards my in laws as this was a way for them to be included in the Not Negative's journey.

Blogging after going through infertility is kind of like a land mine. So for me - most of what I write has very little to do with pregnancy and everything to do with my life in general. It's for me... and this is the way I think. I open mouth and insert foot fairly frequently... so now on with the Not Negative news...

Today we had to get up at an awful time in the daylight and head to the stupid doctor's office. Yes - I know I should just be greatful that I have to go to an OB appt, but as D said - can't we just let him listen over the phone? See - doppler checks are great, but I do them at home on a fairly regular basis. If I could just learn to measure fundal height (I've never been all that adept at finding a fundus so why should I be able to do that with my own?) well we'd be all set. I spent approximately 10 minutes with the doctor - and truthfully that's probably pushing it. I haven't gained any weight from the last appt - can we all say thank goodness... blood pressure was fine and the doctor and his nurse and the lab lady all apologized for the accidental disposal of my other specimen tube... we sent 2 tubes this time just in case something happens in transit. I tried to play stump the doctor - however failed miserably. All I could come up with was a question about whether or not we couldn't just go ahead and do the 3 hour GD test rather than the 1 hour... he felt we should do the screening test and the reason why the 1 hour could not continue into 3 was due to the amount of glucose you have to ingest. Such a pain. Not that I plan on failing, but just in case - I'm all about not wasting my time and having to go back to take yet another test if you fail the first one is to me a waste of my precious sleeping time. If the likelihood is that I'll have to do a 3 hour test then lets just cut out the 1 hour test. It apparently doesn't work that way. Oh and he also truly likes to wait to do the "big" u/s... I won't be having that one until my next appt in 4 weeks...

I need to remind myself why I love my doc... oh yeah - he's a great doctor. Still hasn't a clue how to deal with D or myself, but hell you can't have everything in a health professional right?

Being your own personal vampire...

We all know I'm a freak right?

Well... yes - I occasionally draw my own blood.

I haven't freaked everyone out too much have I? The reasons are legitimate - privacy privacy privacy... and speed. It started out of my own desire to keep my reasons for needing blood drawn to myself and not keeping my coworkers in the proverbial loop. How did I learn to do this? Well when I was going through my paramedic training I learned if needed I could start my own IV... I did it on a dare - it was a challenge so to speak- No alcohol was not a factor. I also learned it's a lot less painful for me to do it than to have someone else do it. So drawing blood is a proverbial piece of cake for me to do on my own. Sometimes it's messy, but after going through this process for 2 years well you learn how to keep the mess to a minimum.

My coworkers think this is odd behavior on my part (I prefer unique) and it's also a party gag kind of thing - once they learned of this as I had come out of the proverbial closet once I moved up to PICU. I never felt comfortable asking others to draw me while I was at work, but I had a number of reasons for drawing the blood while I was at work - it saved time. A lot of time- registration at a big hospital, waiting for your name to be called, finally someone actually drawing your blood after working 12 hours I wouldn't have gotten out of the hospital before 9:30 on a bad day - I'd be asleep at the wheel if I was doing that the number of mornings I needed blood drawn during a cycle. Just think of all the betas I've had done over the last 2 years and well you get the idea. So since I didn't want to ask a coworker to draw me - they'd want to know what they were drawing - who wants to answer the question - and the beta was to your coworkers on a monthly basis... that meant I drew myself. I also then get to pick the gauge of the needle and lets just say my choice is generally smaller than the phleb's choice. I'm not a pansy in regards to blood draws, but in all honesty I draw everyone with a butterfly needle - I've found it's nicer. So why not do that with my self rather than using the harpoons some phleb's use.

Also - it's easy for me to do. I learned as a challenge and now it's one of those things when everyone else has a hard time drawing me - I know right where to go and jack pot it's over and done with a hell of a lot quicker and with one poke rather than 2-3. I'm not into being a pin cushion. That and the phleb at the OB's office takes freaking forever. To the point that I just go over to the main hospital if and when I need anything drawn if I'm not able to draw it myself. Which was our main reason for not having the phleb draw it. She takes FOREVER - no matter how many people are there you're standing there a good 15 minutes if it's just you. I don't have that kind of patience and D sure as hell doesn't either. Especially when he knows I can draw myself. So I drew myself on Thursday and D assisted- it was his first time helping with that - though he does say - wow can you teach me how to do that now... Since I have taught people how to start IV's and draw blood - yes I could... however I really don't like being the proverbial pin cushion so likelihood is slim.

Now that's probably the most interesting part of this post - D the guy who had a hard time doing a subcutaneous injection... became the fabulous IM injector... now he wants to learn blood draws. I've created a monster. D looks at my skills as life saving - since he's watched people start IV's on me and draw my blood and then has seen me do it myself - he's of the opinion to take out the middle man - hand her the needle and let her do her own thing. Sometimes I agree- other times I'm fine with being a "teaching" case.

Spilled...

Blood.

Yes you read that correctly not spilled milk... but blood. Yesterday I drew my blood and dutifully took it to my ob's office and handed it to the lab lady and said this is for the second part of the whatever screen. We put my name on it and off it went to wherever it is that it needed to go to. I think a) the lady was a bit miffed I drew my own blood and b) was irritated that I drew my own blood but what the hell do I know.

A few minutes ago I received a call from my doctor's office. Mind you I sent 2 vials of blood - a red and a gold top tube. Somehow in transit the top of the tube came off. I do not know if both tops came off, but one did. I'm on the phone right now trying to find out if both tops came off... I'm curious now. Primarily because they managed to survive a trip of an hour without anything happening to them, yet once I handed them off they suddenly became a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. I am making the nurse call back the lab and ask about the other tube... because it seems highly unlikely that both tops came off. Just a freak occurrence and while I'm known for my freak occurrences specimen tubes are not. Make sense?

I think the nurse was a bit put out that I wanted to know about the second specimen tube. I even offered to call myself that it was curiousity that was getting the best of me on this one and just wanted to know. But again - what the hell do I know? I'm only a nurse and have only had the top come off a few times... and we take the tops off those vacutainers quite frequently in the peds unit as sometimes we have to do it by drip rather than by a syringe to get blood. Apparently they got me on a pissy day. As normally I would have just taken this news and said- so sad have to have another blood draw. I'm a concrete kind of gal - I want facts. If we sent 2 specimen tubes what is the likelihood that both specimen tubes would pop open during transit? Slim is my thoughts... so we shall see what the good nurse has to say.

Nurse called back - they never sent the second tube... Gee thanks. All of this would have been avoided if they had sent both tubes.

Construction???

Seriously who the hell thinks it's an appropriate time to bring out a hydro hoe and start it up at 9 a.m. on a rainy day? My neighbor to the east of us. Asshole... I have no idea what he's digging or why. I do know he better keep off our property or we'll be having words. Again - Asshole as he's right butt up against the property line.

I've been quiet - work stretch. Which means I'll be off after tonight. I have spent a great deal of time providing emotional support to families. I love my job - the drama in my life is a piece of cake in comparison to what they are going through. I know I do a good job. I've never doubted that. Is it easy to provide clinical care as well as emotional care - not only to the patient but to the families? It's hard. It's draining. It's not something that eveyone does well and it sure as hell isn't easy to do. I've made families cry. I always am honest with them. Do I hedge my bets - yes. I am not a psychic and I do not hold a crystal ball. I would much rather be proven wrong than proven right when I give the bad possible outcomes. However I will not sugar coat things - I am nurse doom and gloom and I will give you the worst possible outcome - because I want to be proven wrong. I will always advocate for your loved one and for you - never doubt that. I know everyone reading is going - great we NEVER want S as our nurse. I never want to be anyone in your families nurse - especially if you're reading me. My ideal world is where there are no patients - everyone's healthy. Again - fantasy land.

I actually seen one of my patients get better. That makes me smile. He gave me a thumbs up today when I asked him before I left to go home... His family and another patient's family that I had cared for made me feel as if even when I didn't have the time - I made a difference in their lives and that is why I do my job... Because sometimes I can make things easier for families and sometimes I can even help a kid/adult/whatever get better.

In other news - D is sick... his allergies are wreaking havoc on him. I so have no sympathy.

Also - we are keeping Pepper. She's not going anywhere... she is no longer on the proverbial chopping block. The two pups can live out their lives as brother and sister and they'll be in our home. So - yeah we're a 6 dog house. Someone asked me how I was going to take care of 6 dogs and a baby. My response- "whoever barks/cries the loudest gets taken care of first." Simple philosophy huh? Blue & Pepper have both started learning to "sit" on command. Pictures will be forthcoming. The pups are also losing teeth left and right and have had to revert back to eating their food wet as their teeth hurt.

Ernie ate a box of pudding... then drank a bunch of water - wonder if it truly tasted like pudding then?

Such is life... nothing else going on here- yes we're still gestating... one step at a time. I also have a plan so to speak... my idea is simple... we're planning on finding out what we're having. I think rather than allow everyone to know right away - parents, friends, family etc. We're going to keep it a secret - maybe even from ourselves until the day of the shower. Couple of reasons - it will drive my mom bonkers and I haven't done that in a while and that way we get the things we need/want/desire rather than a bunch of clothes that we may or may not like. It also allows those close to us to be involved and find out the surprise... maybe have a contest and draw a name of who was right wins a prize kind of thing. Your thoughts on this are appreciated. Crazy -cool? Irritating?