Whoops & Others Expectations

Tuesday was my mother's birthday and I forgot to call her. I remembered it was her birthday but I forgot to call her - such a sucky daughter. Apparently I was not the only one who forgot to call. So... tonight on my way to work I will be finding a card and figuring out what to give her. It's hard to buy for my mom.

In other news we're trying to go through the motions and prepare. As the first trimester almost is done (I'll be 14 weeks on Sunday) we just keep chugging along. The things we're looking at are probably not the things most people would look for right now, but ya know what - it's me. We already have a cradle that has been in my family for a while. We do not have a crib and truthfully I am having a harder time finding one I like than anything else. Of course the ones I like are the expensive ones. Bastards. A recliner or a glider rocker is also on the list -however my cheapnes comes in and yesterday I almost had the hard sell from a lazy boy sales person... I did not cave. Though the chair was comfy. I asked for them to go to a certain price and they didn't so must not have been meant to happen. I'm a planner so right now I am going through the motions of planning things even though I am not 100% confident that this will work out. In spite of frequent doppler checks - yes Santa Clause there still is a heartbeat. As others have said pregnancy is precious. For those with recurrent loss it tends to be a bit more anxiety provoking and a bit more like waiting for the other shoe to fall... I've heard from my sister, my mom and my aunt that these feelings are "normal".

I think my family now wishes that a) I hadn't had to go through all of my losses and b) that they hadn't told me all about theirs. However they did and while my losses stink in a so sad kind of way... their losses rip your heart out kind of thing.

I'm going through these motions more for D than for myself... he is wanting to allow his family to tell others... though he wishes they wouldn't tell certain people in his family. I haven't given the green light yet. I even broached the thought of how about we wait until after "Not negative" is born and then announce it - it'd be our own personal surprise... no go from anyone in our families. I don't think anyone realizes that I do not want to be the center of attention. That having a baby be the center of attention makes me much more comfortable then the constant questions of "How are you feeling?" When all I can say is - "fine?" I'm supposed to apparently have all these symptoms like - nausea/vomiting - none except for that 2 day plague I had -(please don't hate me it was out of my control), fatigue (no more than usual), frequent peeing - maybe but I've been drinking more water. So yeah I'm boring. I'm okay with that as long as mister doppler works when I ask him to, but others look or sound disappointed when all I have to say is "I'm fine."

D and I were talking to his parents and his mom said something along the lines of "I know you're a little nervous about all this." Nervous isn't a word I'd use to describe what I'm feeling. Most days I pretend I'm not pregnant. I can because a) I have no outward signs and b) I have no symptoms. I just go on as if my day is normal. Things for me have not changed much at all. She thought that I must have restrictions at work - yeah uhm NO. When I told her that - she thought there should be... and I started laughing and handed the phone to D. I told him what she said and he said "Most pregnant women can do whatever they did normally - of course bungee jumping and beer bongs are out. S can lift and carry all the things she did in the past - and if somethinig were to go wrong it would have nothing to do with her turning someone or anything else. If she wanted to play softball and that was something she normally did she could... etc etc." Got to love my husband because my mil apparently wants me to lay on my couch and eat bon bons. Not that I wouldn't love to do that, but I'd rather not gain that much weight during this whole deal. I even said something along the lines of "I don't know how many pregnancies you had, however most will say you can do whatever you normally did before." My mil is notorious for not being forth right about her and my fil's fertility history - D's an only child. I know they wanted more, but it's like trying to break into a safe to find out any information from them. Even D's had an issue with that because he feels it would have helped us to have that knowledge of whether or not they tried and were not successful or what.

So yeah uhmm that's our news - no news really. Incredibly boring. We're settling in with the 2 puppies and of course with the 4 dogs. We're hopeful that no one else will get sick from whatever Lola had - all of the puppies including Bert ended up with whatever nasty ass bug she brought into the house. All are finishing up their antibiotics and are on the road to recovery.

3 Puppies Left & The Little One Said

I'm crowded - roll over... so they all rolled over and one got a new home. Bert (purple) has a new home and we're left with Pepper and Blue.

I took Bert to his new home on Monday. It was just me and him. I also took him to the pet store for that wonderful experience. Poor little guy was totally overwhelmed by the new scents, sounds, people, etc. We picked up a few toys and some treats and then we were off to his new home.

I spent about an hour with his new owners. I know that he is now in a home that has time for him as well as lots of love. It's not that we didn't have time it's that with this many dogs it's hard to have individual time for each dog. The puppies right now get the most individual time. Followed by Ernie and Lola and Meg. Chance being the geriatric dog of the brood truly only wants individual time at meal times.

So we're down to 6 dogs from 7. My fil is still fretting about us having this many dogs. I on the other hand think 6 is just fine. Ultimately I'm just thrilled for Bert - he is such a sweet boy and in his new home he's got 2 parents to love him and 2- 8 year olds. I've already received pictures of him with his new family and it brought tears to my eyes as they looked so happy and I thought... What a great fit.

A dog wasn't on this families radar. They are in the midst of adding a new addition onto their home as well as had dealt with the death of their 2 basset hounds last year (old age). Thankfully one of my coworkers decided to mention to this doctor - hey you need a puppy from S and that is how this began.

So Bert will now probably become a 5K running dog. The kids have already come up with activities - skating, running etc. The mom of the bunch is looking forward to just sitting on the couch and having some puppy love. Ultimately I am happy - one of my babies has a new home and he's loved and that's truly all I could ask for.

Nuchal schmucal...

Nuchal was 1.4 mm... apparently that's good. Bloodwork has been sent and another specimen will be done at the next appt. I don't know when I will get the results. I'm truthfully not even sure how they work this all out to give you your results. I'm amazingly enough flying by the seat of my pants with this one... Granted the "not negative" chose to be scrunched up for part of the test so that involved me rolling to one side, then the other, bouncing and so on... fun times.

My doctor said "well everything looks good" and of course no clue as to where the bleeding came from... He looked at me as if I was supposed to jump up and down or something... I finally caved and said - it's not that I'm not excited. It's that even for my wedding I didn't really believe it was happening until the day of so this is not unusual for me to plan as if all will go well but be prepared for the worst. Then we went over my familial history which sucks - loss at 26 weeks for M (sister), losses at 18, 24, 32 for my mother, and then a loss at 34 weeks for my aunt so yeah uhmm if I hadn't grown up with that knowledge I'd probably be like every other pregnant woman he sees who is "happy" and "excited" So he also missed Dan muttering "SHHHHHHHHH it might hear you and then vacate the premises" in regards to the "everything looks good"

Can't tell that there's still some open wounds from the 2 years of trying... nope not at all.

D asked when he could tell his parents that they could tell others and I replied - "lets just have them wait until the "not negative" is born and have it be a surprise! He shook his head and said that wasn't very nice. I thought it was... apparently he lost his sense of humor today.

Yes - 2 years is how long it has been since we started trying. I meant to post something about it after my post about my dad and instead I chose to leave the post up about my dad longer. It felt right. Both are hard anniversaries... and while as of right now things are fine here in "not negative" land... the battle scars from this war are still there, maybe not to the naked eye, but they're there.

In dog news - lets see last we heard Lola had diarrhea and 2 pups had UTI's... now we're at Lola gave Ernie diarrhea and the 2 pups are finally completely vaccinated. Lola and Ernie have been started on some meds in the hopes of preventing a wildfire spread of whatever it is that they have. One of the puppies may have a home - keep your fingers crossed. I will post more news in regards to that as I can.

So so far so good... and of course NBHHY

Debating

Okay so the debate rambles on over here at the casa de canine (can we all guess that my spanish is awful). I didn't call the ob's office when I woke up.

What would they say- is it worse? No - it's actually better, now back to the usual...

Do I have cramping? No...

Do I have abdominal pain? No...

Do I have nausea?? No haven't had that one...

Would I fess up about the doppler - probably not. So since we all know that right now if things are going wrong there's nothing we can do about it... and rest truly has not been shown to change the outcome - except in situations with incompetent cervix and a cerclage or stitch - well I'll probably just tell them at the ob appt on Thursday - unless of course things change and symptoms change etc. Until then I've got the doppler to help with my own personal insanity.

Yes - I do generally work 6 in a row - 12 hour shifts. Yes, I'm planning on continuing that for as long as I can - why??? I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the 8 days off... It allows me to get away from the hospital and remember why I work and why I love kids. When this work is done let me just say - I will be happy. To say that the week has been rough would be an understatement. It doesn't mean I won't be back tomorrow because I will, but it means that sometimes there are patients that rip your heart out a bit more... and make you angry about situations and remind you that your life is pretty good.

In other news - Pray pray pray that one of the docs I work with goes for a puppy. We (my coworkers and I) have pulled out all the stops including emotional warfare... puppy pictures... an email to his wife. Reminders that their kids would love a puppy etc etc. They're great people and a dog would be lucky to have them as their new owners... and I'd get to see pictures frequently. So this would be a nice thing... and it'd be 1 less dog.

Will keep you posted about both issues.

Well Hell...

Just when we at the 7 Dog house were getting comfortable with the status quo, that all would maybe work out in this "not negative." What happens? The dreaded spot changes colors... from old brown mixed with CM to red/pink... gee thanks.

I was able to find the heartbeat with the doppler so for the moment the "not negative" is still present and accounted for, however the blood who knows where that is coming from. I'm going to call the doctor when I get up... I worked 14 hours last night and well - just do not have the energy to do this right now. Besides I know as well as you know - if it's going to happen there isn't a damn thing I can do to prevent it other than the things I've done already.

Oddly enough today is supposed to be the last shot of progesterone in oil... funny huh. Yeah - not so much.

Why don't they market a funny farm for people like me? D lost his sense of humor when he came to the bathroom and seen what I was talking about on the tp... he laid down next to me to help identify is it me or the "not negative". Once we were able to find it and count he then said - that was the best money we've ever spent... now can we buy one that actually counts the heartbeat for us so we can quit trying to do that?

Lola - the pain in the @ss...

Lola - our wonderful little doxie is a pita. Seriously - she is... drama queen is her middle name. She used to cry like a banshee if Ernie came running at her in the dark - you would have thought that she had had her paw cut off. So - this behavior - is not unusual - a little pissy a little high strung.

To clarify this incident - she is not on any medications - except of course heart worm preventative. She's the "healthy" dog or at least she was - hence why I think her attention needly little ass is screaming for attention -as everyone else has had to go to the vet and be seen for various complaints over the last few months.

The vomiting - she has it occasionally usually it's just bile and generally it's after getting a hold of a raw hide (she is not supposed to have them). The blood was unusual and that is why she ended up on some medicine to protect her stomach. This medicine while it's supposed to be constipating - can also have the opposite effect. So we are waiting it out with the new medicine. She is again - eating, drinking, peeing, pooping (a little too much of that). D and I are probably one of the most paranoid pet owners so we are in daily contact with the vet - if she is not better in a few days (Monday at the latest) then she'll get put on some antibiotics as it will probably then be diagnosed as a bug rather than just a GI virus that has hit her tush.

Lola is fine- the pups are fine... the big dogs are fine and the geriatric dog is fine - in fact he's probably the one that told her all about the vet and lied about tasty medicine - poor Lola has gotten the rotten end of the deal as everyone else has had "tasty" medicine - Lola hates pills with a passion - so the 2 pills and 1 paste we have to give her take a lot of effort...

Fortunately she seems to be improving. I think she just wanted "Grandma" (my mom) to come take care of her... and if "Grandma" hadn't been sick herself she would have come and baby'd "baby girl's" butt until we couldn't live with her for weeks.

So - that's my news - I couldn't post this in the comments like I wanted, but we're fine... all of us at the 7 dog house - some a little rougher around the edges than others... That's just the humans.

Apparently I have NEEDY Dogs...

We all knew this was a distinct possibility right??? I mean the puppies alone have become little hypochondriacs right? Well not to be left out of the mix Lola (mini doxie) decided Tuesday she'd throw up what appeared to be blood. This was found by D who had a bit of a meltdown and yelled for me to come examine it. Now - I didn't clue her in that she would be going to the vet on Wednesday for a vaccine (6 out of 7 dogs needed to go) so I'm not sure if she read the appt card and decided I need to get out of this quick or what. So after much discussion with the vet as well as D we decided we'd wait it out and if any more episodes occurred her ass would be at the vets.

No further episodes occurred... we did take a sample in to the vet - yes I know EWWW gross... If I would have been working I would have taken it in to work to determine if it was blood or not... however am only going back to work tonight so no deal. The vet was a bit horrified when she seen our sample and looked at Lola who was being a total bitch at that point and telling all of us off about the violation of her privacy. She of course acted as if nothing was wrong - palpate the belly - no growls, no jump aways etc. Temperature taken - she's got a mild fever... so no vaccine for Lola. Ernie and Meg were able to get vaccinated.

Then it was on to the puppies... We discussed Blue's bumps - yes he still has bilateral salivary glands that are enlarged for no apparent reason. Again not worried just irritated. He was able to get his shots that he needed. On to Pepper our proverbial peer... and the vet goes "Uh Oh" I'm thinking great what is it? Pepper has a UTI... Poor thing - we of course were clueless to her plight, but that's why she's been peeing so frequently and not making it to the door. She got 2 shots and a week supply of antibiotics. On to Bert - perfectly calm, sweet Bert... guess what. He too has a UTI. 2 shots and antibiotics for him.

So of the dogs that needed to get vaccinated 6 only 3 received the vaccines they needed. 2 are on antibiotics. 1 was on some awful maalox like stuff and the 3 that didn't get their shots now have to go back next week. Lola of course once we got home started to act all pissy and yesterday when touching her stomach moved away from me... so we're watching this behavior - she is eating, peeing, pooping so in all likelihood this too shall pass. Lola is our sensitive girl - she's a bit timid, a bit fearful and a bit big for her britches.

In other news my mother not to be out done by a dog has not been able to go to work all week... Monday she woke up with ear pain and went to the doctor... Wednesday she went back to the doctor and was told she now has pneumonia. D says this is in response to the anniversary of Dad's death - in all honesty he's probably right - this will probably reoccur on his birthday as well as their anniversary.

In spite of a return of the dreaded spot... he showed up on Tuesday - NBHHY - I was able to find the heartbeat with the doppler. So so far so good in regards to the uterus and "not negative". My appt is not until next week and the in laws are getting restless. My FIL asked when he could say something. I told him "not yet." I've found that once you're out of the closet you can't go back in... and I doubt he understands that, but it'll have to do for now.

Being a Member of a Club that No One Wants to be a Member Of

There's a line from Grey's Anatomy where Christina says "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club and you can't be a member until you're a member." Isn't that the truth. It seems as if this year there's been quite a few new members and for that I am sorry. It's not that you aren't lonely in the club, but truthfully you'd rather be lonely than have others join. Because being a member sucks - especially if you have a good relationship with your dad. I know there are a few who read that know what I'm talking about... and I am so sad that they had to join. If I could have vetoed membership I would.

March 12, 2007 at 6:40 pm will be the 3rd anniversary of my father's death. I just spent about an hour talking with my mom... she started crying and said "I so wish Sam was here." Isn't that the truth... we all do. D, myself, my mom... and a number of others wish that Dad was here. Generally I talk about that day - this year I want to do something a bit different. Give you a glimpse of what my Dad was truly like. Why I miss him so much and why I wish that he was still here every single day.

First let me preface by saying - I'm one of the lucky ones. I was given more time and fortunately we didn't waste that time. Our relationship was full, but it was not full of regrets. Dad was diagnosed with oat cell carcinoma located at the head of the pancreas, the common bile duct, a tumor on the liver as well and was given a 25-50/50 shot at living back in 1989. I was 11 at the time. We went to the mayo clinic and also then on to U of M for cancer treatment. After a few rounds of chemo and radiation he was pronounced in remission and we knew just how lucky we were as two others had been diagnosed with the same type of cancer however theirs was located in their lungs and both died within weeks of their diagnosis. I just did a search and found 14 months as the amount of time for survival on average... my dad had 15 years. 15 years... amazing huh. I may have to get a hold of his medical records to reconfirm that it was indeed oat cell carcinoma - however that was the only name I remember growing up. He had frequent checks to watch for recurrence and we sweated bullets a few times when he went from having a CT to having an MRI because the previous one looked different than the current one. Dad never once let his cancer slow him down - in fact he got yelled at quite a bit as during the time he was in treatment - when you're supposed to be "careful" and not use razors - he started woodworking and whittling and well he used an exacto knife to do those things. My mother threw a fit. However it made him happy. My dad enjoyed woodworking and downstairs in the basement at my mom's house is a chest that he was trying to finish for me... it still isn't finished. I may have my mom ask a friend of my dad's to finish it.



My dad was over the moon thrilled when I showed up... he could have cared less whether I was a boy or girl, just that I was here and I was healthy. Over the years he'd repeat those statements. My Dad made it very clear growing up that there was nothing that I couldn't do. Sometimes that has probably irritated my husband to no end, but I doubt I've ever backed down from a challenge. It cracks me up to watch my father in law be amazed at the things I'll do. Whether it be work on a building project or home improvement project, hunt, shoot, etc he apparently grew up with a different philosophy and so dealing with me causes some panic on his part. Oh the beard was for a contest - he didn't win, but he enjoyed growing it. I used to hate when he would give me kisses and be all scruffy. He rarely had facial hair so this is one of the few pictures of him with facial hair.


I think my dad may have been in charge of doing my hair that day during Easter. Our relationship was easy... I could tell him anything and he would listen and not judge. We would talk on my drive home from work before he headed into town to have coffee with the boys. Granted he probably only heard half of the conversation due to poor hearing. He tried and that's the part that counted.


I love this picture of my mom and dad... I have a similar picture of D and I at our wedding, but I think it's probably my favorite of all the pictures I have... it was taken at my sister's wedding. Dad briefly wore a tie that day... I say briefly because I think he wore it for pictures and the service then it was gone.


My dad was a wonderful grandfather... and that is probably the thing I wish the most - that a child of mine would have had the chance to meet and love my dad. I know how great he was and my saying that doesn't make it any easier for a child to understand... My nieces and nephews are the lucky ones - they got to enjoy my dad... at a time in his life when it was sunshine and roses and gardens and puppy dogs and cats. I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous that any child or children that D and I may have won't get to experience that. That all they will get is to hear what a great guy he was and that he would have loved them to pieces and brought them back to us filthy and covered in dirt and telling me all about the fun things they did with Grandpa...



So if you're a member of the club - I'm sorry. If you're not I pray that you will not become a member for a long long time and ask that you call your dad and let him know just how much you love him... That's how we always ended our phone calls to one another... "I love you and will talk with you soon." I think we both knew just how important that was. I hope you do as well.

Shopping

I know boring title, but it's the truth - yesterday I went shopping. Now the idea was that I was going to go to the ON outlet - I think all of you can figure out what ON is... big chain store - love their clothes. Well I did until I went to the retail store and saw that their prices had gone up and also that they would be closing their outlets. Now there outlets have been my haven - where I could find a bargain and get a number of items that I would be able to wear for quite a while. This news ticked both D and I off... to say we were upset was to put it mildly. D usually loves their jeans and instead he looked at them and said - We will most likely NOT be shopping here again. That was at the outlet after he heard the news. We found out that G and BR would not be affected by this switch to retail. We were relieved and went to the G outlet and had a blast - finding clothes we loved and that didn't break the bank. So much so that we took advantage of signing up for a G card which we've never done before to get the extra 15% off. Yes - I know we're such cheap skates. I don't care.

We also stopped at the baby G outlet store and while I cringed I was able to pick out a few things for a coworker who is due to have a baby soon. D on the other hand wanted to purchase a number of items for the "not negative" I caved and allowed that. I probably would have caved earlier if I could have gotten the stupid doppler I own to work and find a heartbeat - however all I can hear thus far is placenta and my heartbeat... To say I am less than thrilled and craving an u/s is to put it mildly.

On the ob front - my doctor's office called and rescheduled my appt... gee uhmm thanks. So instead of having an appt on Wednesday it is now not until the 22nd... and I'm supposed to not lose my mind until then. No we will not be discussing doppler usage with my ob... I'm already used to the sideways looks I get from him and really don't want to deal with raised eyebrows as if to say - "Are you really that paranoid?" The answer would obviously be yes I am and I don't care. Right now the only thing keeping me from callling the RE's office to say - Hey can I get another scan since my doc's a nimrod who is rescheduling me left and right is that I received a "congratulations" card in the mail... I'm thinking they washed their hands of me... bastards.

Fortunately by moving the appt to the 22nd - it allows for the nuchal to be done before the appt and hopefully that will mean there's a real live fetus in there - otherwise well we'll cross that bridge when we get there. D is all aboard this optimistic band wagon and while I'm trying I think he's going to have to carry the load for a little while. Which is fine - he's willing. He knows that I go back and forth from being hopeful to DBT's - he also knows I'm trying not to voice them to him because well hell I hate peeing on his parade. In the meantime we're doing okay. No I'm not depressed in fact far from it. I'm my normal - even keel self. For me joyful/excited occurs once we actually have a baby in our arms. Until then I'm going through the motions -allowing others to be "excited" and quite literally over the top "excited" while I stand back and watch. I'm a much better observer than doer - always have been.

For my wedding I truly didn't believe it was really happening until it happened. Same goes for a few other major life events... so this is my norm.

So for right now nothing to see here... we're quite boring in fact. Sometimes boring is good...

Of Dogs and Well... More Dogs

Tomorrow the trainers will again be coming to our house. To be honest - some of what they've asked us to do has worked... other parts not so much. D says we're going around the house being angry sheep yelling "BAH" and throwing bags of chains to get their attention. It's the truth.

I've learned a few things - Ernie will behave himself when he has the collar on and a leash. After that all bets are off - he becomes idiot boy. Barks at me from his kennel, talks back, etc. He becomes idiot boy. I of course have no patience for idiot boy when you're dealing with 3 other puppies that he has been trying to get lost. Yes - Ernie got let out with the puppies and then proceeded to take Blue to the neighbors and left him there. Blue thought the porch was ours - he's only 14 weeks old - and sat at the neighbors door. D had to go get him and the poor little guy was all confused as to why they weren't going into that house as that was the door right? Can we all say BAD ERNIE... trying to lose the puppies so you get more attention when you're the dog that gets taken everywhere except to work is just not cool. Ernie is spoiled and jealous... and well we've got to work on that.

The puppies are about 25% house trained... they haven't quite grasped it completely. House training one dog is difficult enough. House training 3 well it's a pain in the ass. We're surviving. I know there's a master plan I'd just like to know what the plan is soon. Because my supply of carpet cleaner needs to be replenished and I need to know if I should just by the 30 gallon drum rather than a gallon.

So other than that nothing to see here... I'm boring and well on the one hand that's great on the other hand it's well boring.

One Step Forward

A dear friend Dino D finally got some great news. While neither of us are the sunshine and roses, overzealous balloons etc... I am so delighted that the u/s came out okay. Yes - can you tell we're all contained in our joy.

I told D the news and his response was that Dino has definitely been wearing her bullet proof armor... and with all that she's been through that is definitely an accurate statement.

So... for now NBHHY and things are fine. I think we can all roll with that for a little bit. I know I can.

Comedic Relief...

Because as always life with me is never simple. I truly am sorry that it took this long to post an update - however blame blogger. The b*stards were making me switch to the "new" blogger and well things of course could not go smoothly in spite of my having a google account already. However I am now switched. Whether I want to be or not.

I worked Wednesday and Thursday and while plague and pestulance did not come by - I ran my tail off. I spent 8 hours down in an angio suite- however since in my coworkers words "you're pregnant" I could only observe my patient and beg others to do what I needed them to do so that I could provide care. I am not used to asking others to do things for me and it was quite frustrating. It was also weird to be treated that way... I had to keep reminding myself - oh yeah you're pregnant duh that's why you can't do that. No I am not used to it yet and not completely comfortable with it yet either.

I also found a great group of women to chat with who have had some similar issues as my own... it's nice to not go scaring first time pregnant individuals as well - my story tends to put the fear of God into them.

I tried to hock Pepper... I went to speak with one of the women who had expressed interest in a female pup... well her fiance had kind of gotten scared at the thought of another puppy. We spoke and she said - "I would love to, but I can't because I'm pregnant." I laughed and responded - well so am I and 7 dogs is just a bit too much for me. She goes - REALLY. Mind you she has a history of loss - she's one of us and so she and I feel the same way about things. Turns out we have the same due date. I looked at her and go - Pepper is meant to be for you - seriously she's a fertility puppy. She laughed and then said 7 dogs and pregnant I'd lose my mind. I laughed and said why do you think I'm down here practically begging? So it looks like as of right now - no takers for my remaining 3 pups. So if you are praying individuals will you send up some prayers that someone comes to me and says hey I seen your puppies and I'd love to have one. Wouldn't that be nice? Truthfully we are managing. D and I are if nothing else able to persevere and tackle whatever challenge that is thrown at us. We are also able to put it in perspective. If this is the worst thing we have to deal with right now 7 dogs to take care of - well then we're lucky. We will take whatever God throws our way - though it'd be nice if he threw me a responsible dog lover my way.

Sorry - you guys didn't come here to hear about my days or my dogs you wanted an update... I'm sorry. "Not negative" is measuring appropriately and heart beat was visible. So we have "graduated" from the RE and well panic has not set in yet - it probably will next week when I'm jonesing for a scan so that I know all is still well.

The scan itself was a comedic event because of the new machinery. As you all know at one of the scans the brand new machine was "broken" or a file was corrupt. Today Dr. Sarcastic was doing the scan and while I love Dr. Sarcastic he was in rare form today. We didn't chit chat initially until wham we have picture - then it became quite the event with D even jumping in to interject things. I asked what the heart rate was and since I know the machine can do that and we can hear it as well then his response of "fast" wasn't good enough. Turns out Dr. Sarcastic hasn't been inserviced on the new machine and while he can do it he couldn't quite remember how to do it. So - it became a comedy schpiel as D pointed out why not push that button, or that one, or that one. D told the doctor - well your partner just hits a button and wham we hear it and see it and know the rate. That fueled Dr. Sarcastic on as in his words "my partner must have had someone show him as he's not very technilogically savvy" The assistant that was in the room was having a hard time not laughing and finally after multiple efforts she goes - Why not push that button? Voila - heartbeat. However Dr. Sarcastic needs to practice some more before he'll be in the league of his partner at speed and efficiency. We have a feeling he's in there practicing as we speak.

After the scan - Dr. Sarcastic asked- so what next? I looked at him and said well if you'll keep us we'll stay here, but I heard a rumor we were being kicked out. He laughed and said - seriously I am not the guy to deliver - anything else yes... However please stay in touch and let us know how things are going. He even said he wished we would have just tried the progesterone first rather than jumping to injectables, but most defects are due to egg quality and it appears yours may not be one of those cases. It's nice when a doc admits to not having all the answers. I am to continue the progesterone until 12 weeks. Generally they have you stop at 10 - however with my history of luteal phase defect and loss he wants to go the extra time just in case. Baby aspirin until at least 36 weeks unless of course there's preterm labor then evaluate that as we go. I truly am greatful for the care that I received from this group as they never once made me feel as if I was paranoid, a pain in the ass, or anything. Everyone was congratulatory and it was a bittersweet moment to realize that as of right now we won't be back for quite a while. That office - was like a second home - granted a very posh second home, but ya know what I mean. The nurses and staff all pronounced my name correctly, they all genuinely cared about how we were doing. And the name thing this is something that doesn't happen often at all - so I enjoy it when I can get that rather than having to be called by my nickname.

So for now so far so good... nothing bad has happened yet...

No Locusts So Far...

Well so far I haven't seen an infestation of locusts so we must be doing something right.

The next two nights will suck... I had a class this morning and will be working tonight. I will also be working tonight. I'm doing tonight so that I don't have to work Friday... I know paranoid, but truthfully even with good news on Friday it would stink to work all night Thursday night have my appointment in the morning (I think that's when it is) and then have to drive home get enough sleep to be able to function at work on Friday. So a kind person switched with me.

My mother will be going to the visitation and funeral for my aunt and giving my condolences to my Uncle Howard. I'm going to make arrangements to see him within the next few weeks. I assume he'll be living with my cousin as truthfully I wouldn't want someone that was 95 living alone anymore - but call me crazy. My mom will then also be coming up to babysit the puppies while we work.

Trying to reign in my mom is like well trying to wrestle with a wet noodle. She hasn't quite figured out that the more she talks about things that the more withdrawn I get. We're going to have to have a talk this weekend about that. Low key is what I'm going for right now... mellow is another way to look at it.

Ultimately we're taking one day at a time and hoping for the best... isn't that really all that you can do?

I thought there would be more time

I know I know - she was 87, but seriously I thought there would be more time.

The "she" I'm referring to was my Great Aunt Alice... I just called her Aunt Alice - her and Uncle Howard always called me "Toots." I reminded them of one of their daughters who had died in her 20's. Uncle Howard is my grandmother's youngest brother and he and my dad were close. Growing up we always spent some time with them. They were at all of my big events... At my wedding Uncle Howard got all teary eyed and said "Sammy would have been so happy to be here." Sammy being my dad... Aunt Alice and Uncle Howard adored my dad and he felt the same about them. Uncle Howard was my token stand in for my dad. Another uncle walked me down the aisle, but truthfully Uncle Howard and Aunt Alice were the connection for me to feel as if my dad was at my wedding.

Aunt Alice had a very distinct voice and I can't quite imitate it, but it always sounded as if she was sucking on something while she was talking it was a little bird like and she pursed her lips. D got a kick out of her the first time he met her and she loved him (my husband has that effect on people apparently).

I know old age is not a bad thing, but it sucks when it takes your family and for me - my dad's side of the family keeps dwindling smaller and smaller... D and I plan on visiting Uncle Howard soon... he turns 95 on Wednesday (actually on 2/29, but ya know how that goes). The last time he and I saw one another he kept telling me about his bad ticker... Aunt Alice told me about hers as well... for such a small lady she had a very big heart. She will be greatly missed. The world feels just a bit smaller than it did before...

Although I have a feeling she's up in heaven - barking orders and giving my dad a very stern talking to about leaving this earth so soon and the reunion with her daughter Donna Marie I'm sure was very sweet...

Below is a picture of Aunt Alice and Uncle Howard at our wedding... it almost looks as if they're pulling each of us closer to the two of them. Their hugs were ferocious and boy am I going to miss those hugs.

Plague... Pestulance...

Bring on the locusts... isn't that what is supposed to follow plague and pestulance?

I could be wrong, however if you would have asked me on Thursday I would have said I really don't care anymore. Wednesday I didn't feel all that great, but I figured it was due to coming off of a work stretch. Thursday sucked in that I felt awful and couldn't keep anything down. Now I know some of you are laughing and going - hahaha she finally got hit with morning sickness. Yeah uhmm no. Morning sickness doesn't bring along with it another GI symptom which I had as well.

My "aha" moment was after the first episode when I thought to myself - that little shit I cleaned up the other night after he'd decorated the floor from his crib must have caused this. My mother - who D talked to - of course was all for it being morning sickness. Come Friday I can tell you safely - it was not morning sickness, but an intestinal/GI tract bug that put a curse on me for the better part of 24 hours. It made me weak as a kitten and begging for mercy. Of course Thursday not to be outdone with the better part of the plague - I also had bright red bleeding which resulted in a scan on Friday.

Things are fine - arm buds and leg buds present, measuring right on and heartbeat still there. D thinks I brought on the plague just to get the scan... and he'd be wrong. By the time the scan was done I wanted to take a nap. Of course we also had to deal with Lola who was also puking up a storm like me. Lola went to the vet while I slept in the car and D called work to tell them he wouldn't be in as he had to take care of me.

Friday night I slept and I'm only just now waking up and while I'm probably 50% better than I was, I'm still not 100%... here's hoping the puppies will sleep tonight.

So uhmm what's next? Apparently the RE's office will release me after my next scan which will be on 3/2. They keep those of us with recurrent loss longer than they do their regular ole ART cases... risk wise we're down from a high of 80% chance of loss to about 15% now... and that's comforting. Most people it would 3-5% but with recurrent loss you have to multiply it by 4-5% more so that's where you get that number. So that's where we stand. I'm still not in that 100% believing this might actually work out... maybe next week.

I Try Not To Go For The Shock Factor - However...

I'm out of the closet so to speak... I let a few coworkers know that we are currently gestating... and they were very happy for us. I explained how our anxiety level was and they nodded as if they understood. They also pointed out that it's encouraging that we got this far... and I nodded. Another coworker came by while we were talking about this and goes "Why aren't you ecstatic?" I took a moment and said - it's not that we're not happy we are... it's that we feel as if we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you've been pregnant 11 times and still have no children well... you just tend to protect your heart. This coworker who I value as a friend and a great nurse and example of pediatric nursing - she just looked at me and goes "that's just tragic." I just shrugged... What do you say other than yeah it sucks...

D and I talked about this on our way home from the RE's office and his response was - "Apparently they don't know your family history of losses." Succinct and to the point... got to love it. It's true - my coworkers know of my losses - but they really don't know about my family loss history. If you combine my mother's loss history, my sister's, my aunts, and mine it would be well over 20 losses. That's a lot of loss to know about... and grow up knowing about. Mind you D didn't grow up hearing about these losses, but he did once he and I started trying because my mother, aunt, and sister all felt that it was better for us to know then to not know. Be prepared is apparently our family motto and truthfully I'm glad that they never hid these things from me because to me knowledge is power. The losses for the women in my family ranged from early miscarriage to late first trimester to second trimester and a third trimester loss. Knowing that means that we tend to be a little more guarded. Maybe it's wrong, but it's the best we can do to cope with everything... and considering what we've been through - we're very lucky to have a healthy marriage where communication is key.

I'm glad that my RE understands even if he had the audacity to put on my chart "pt and spouse reassurred." I had to laugh because Dr. Sarcastic doesn't do reassurring very well. He's realistic and that helps both D and I because we both feel better with facts. Dr. Sarcastic asked if I had googled measurements for CRL already and I nodded then told him that it was quite frustrating as there was a big discrepancy on all the crap I found online so everything from a weird equation that you punch in to a simple equation gave you different numbers every time. We talked science for a while and he said - does the googling help? I responded with yes it does, D even nodded that it did. He just encouraged us to look at scientific sources for knowledge and I reassurred him that that was what I did rather than other sites. I have to have concrete stuff rather than personal stories - no offense to anyone's personal story, but I want facts that have been researched.

So Far So Good

U/S was fine - heartbeat check and assumed appropriate growth as the "not negative" was apparently curled up today rather than stretched out so he couldn't get an accurate measurement. We see them again in 2 weeks for another u/s.

So that's my scoop so to speak. We told Dr. Y about our fiasco at the ob's office and he laughed when D asked - can we just stick with you guys for the whole pregnancy? He goes yeah you don't want to do that - you'd have to deliver with a c-section I don't think I'd know how to do a vaginal delivery anymore.

So that's where we're at... so far so good.

Snowdrifts and Stupid People

My apologies I had every intention of updating yesterday however when you hear how yesterday and the day before went you'll understand I chose sleep over blogging.

Tuesday night I had to work... and of course there was a winter storm warning out for blowing snow and just well crappy weather. I left early with the knowledge I would need to drive carefully. Enroute I was talking with a friend on speaker phone and hung up on her as the roads had gotten worse. I seen a snow drift coming up ahead - slowed down and then the damn thing pulled me into a ditch then a tree. No amount of all wheel drive was able to save me from doing so. My friend was freaking out and attempting to call D as she had no idea how bad the accident was - she was also yelling at her husband because - well he was the reason for the phone call - he'd been a jack ass. I spoke with 911 - gave them my location assured them I was unhurt, just shook up and then finally hung up. I then called D - let him know what was going on and to call work and let them know I wouldn't be in. I then paged the on call RE to find out what I needed to worry about. On call RE wanted me to come in Wednesday morning for a scan and rho gam as D is + and I am -.

The deputy arrived and took one look at the situation and said - let me guess the snow drift pulled you in here? I have county coming right now to knock that down. In my defense it took the county six passes to get rid of the snow drift. The tow truck came and we were able to determine my car though banged up was still driveable - which was a good thing as D was stuck in our driveway unable to get out until our snow plow guy came through. I updated work, updated my friend - reassured her it wasn't her fault, I was on my way again. I picked up a pizza on the way home and came home, went to bed.

Wednesday morning dawned bright and early and we were off to get D's hair cut as well as to go to the RE and of course lets not forget my annual was scheduled for the afternoon. Fun day let me tell you. I was able to get my unibrow waxed so that was good. At the RE's office we got the cool machine and I got the other doc who is very nice as well and no resident. All looks fine - CRL is 1.11 cm up from .3 cm and heartbeat is 141 ish. We were able to hear as well as see the heartbeat which was very cool. I asked D if he seen it and he goes yeah and I heard it. The doctor had to leave so the nurses in the back were working on the rho gam prescription.

This is where the day begins to show just how many stupid people S and D can run into... the one nurse (not the MA who had been in the room) wasn't sure why I needed it since the pregnancy looked good. I explained - car accident multiple times and spotting multiple times with I swear no comprehension of what I was saying. D wanted to poke her eyes out. Finally we get the prescription and we were off to fart around for a while.

We finally headed up to my annual appointment and that is where it became stupid people galore. First - I had called and talked with the scheduler explained our situation - that we were seeing an RE, that we had a history of multiple miscarriages and that we were no where near ready to be an "OB" patient yet as this pregnancy is still precarious enough that we're still having multiple scans. No problem she said. Get back and start talking to my doctor's nurse and "problem" came up. Apparently I needed to fill out a different form - great. So off we start filling forms I start peeing and well it just keeps getting better and better. I again explain to the nurse we're no where near ready to start talking due dates and grudgingly give her mine. Into the room we go and in comes the doctor - a congratulations comes out of his mouth - D and I cringe and then he starts going over my history and goes my you have been busy this year - did they ever determine a cause for the multiple miscarriages. I explained no that it could be the luteal phase defect or it could be ectopics that are just resolving on their own. He looks at the u/s and says all looks well and that he's sorry to hear about the spotting - maybe he can determine what's going on. Pelvic is done - all is fine - no clue where the spotting is coming from. Not once does he say that spotting is normal and then he wants to talk bloodwork while I want to talk drugs. Since I'm there for my annual I need refills on all my regular stuff. He looks at me sideways a few times and gives over what I want. Although I'm sure he's not thrilled about my sinus medication I can safely say he wouldn't be thrilled with treating me for multiple sinus infections either. He lectured me on my calcium requirements and told me to start taking some. Fine yada yada yada. Off we go to get the blood drawn and check out.

Check out is where it became stupid people galore. I had to schedule an appt for 4 weeks out with an appt with the doctor as well as the OB educator. I cringed at doing this... I mean seriously cringed. My anxiety level was becoming increasingly high as was D's. I think we both started twitching. Finally I grudgingly accepted an appt with the stupid educator (who goes over testing options) when I said I want the nuchal and quad screen she goes oh you're already up to speed on the testing. DUH - yes I am. Apparently the only way you get to schedule the test is if you talk to the educator. Great just great... so that's for next Friday where I'll probably end up losing my mind and become slightly more insane as we schedule things that I am no where near ready to talk about. We then proceeded to the place where you truly check out and they said "have you received your purple packet?" Uhmm no and what the hell is a purple packet? Oh you need to go talk to the insurance people... D and I looked at each other and said in unison "WE are not there yet." Yeah uhmm you need to talk to them and then we can check you out. Fine... grudgingly I go and sit in a room and the woman looks at my double coverage and gets a perplexed look on her face and goes hmmm... apparently they have no idea how my insurance works yet since I have two however I apparently don't need to start prepaying anything. Yet. She hands me the purple packet and starts going over the things in it. At the beginning she starts talking about pre registration at the hospital and at that point I tune out. I just smile and nod. Because again I had said "WE ARE NOT THERE YET." not a single person listened to this statement. Finally we are able to leave.

We still had one more place to go to get the rho gam. The med center... and of course the MA screwed up the prescription for it. So I had to page the doctor who took a while to call back after repaging and finding out that he was out with his kids on the back of a sled we get that straightened around. I ran into a few of the people I used to work with and that was neat - they all gave me congratulations and were genuinely thrilled for me. It was nice. Also overwhelming hearing those things.

By this time it's 8:30 pm and we finally arrived home. After starting the morning off at 9a.m. I came home and crashed. Tonight I work again then tomorrow another scan. So we shall see...

Exaggerated

I may have exaggerated my feelings a bit yesterday. I re-read what I wrote and thought - god she's a neurotic self absorbed snot. In truth while we are worried/concerned/anxious about this whatever you want to call it... we generally go about our daily lives as if nothing is going on.

I had a friend call the other day and things were a bit nuts at our house at the time and she is aware of what's going on and said "S you need to relax right now." I started laughing almost hysterically and then handed the phone to D... he then started laughing as well. I got back on the phone and told her that whether I'm relaxed or tense or even catatonic - whatever will happen will happen. That the ball is already in play, that the ship has already sailed, that the rollercoaster is already going, that the bullet will either hit the target or not. She didn't quite understand all the little things, but I think she finally understands. There's not a bit that I can do other than what I am doing. Which what I'm doing involves daily shots of PIO, baby aspirin and a prenatal vitamin so there ya go...

If we didn't have that and I wasn't abstaining from alcohol and s*x it'd be just a regular time in our lives. Those are about the only things that have been cut out so to speak. Alcohol for obvious reasons ans s*x because well of that darn thing called spot. D doesn't want to sound like an ungrateful snot and ask the RE if we can - the nurse told me that we couldn't - D didn't get to hear those words so hence why he's hesistant to ask and keeps asking if the spotting is done... I had to remind him of the instructions after the D & C and then he wanted the scientific reasons why you're not supposed to. I was trying to sleep at that point and I believe I rolled over and hit him and said he could google it later.

I know there is such romantic love in our household if it's not us yelling "Bah" and throwing things at the dogs (not hitting them with it just landing near them) or squirting a squirt bottle at the puppies then it's a discussion on why you can or can't have s*x. Fun times.

In a side note - We live alone... and our shades are always closed. This weekend my mom is visiting and D almost walked out into the living room naked with her here - he was trying to find some clean jeans (located in the dryer)... If he hadn't heard her talking to the dogs she would have gotten a full frontal of D. I about peed my pants when he came running into the bathroom and told me what had almost occurred. Fortunately my mom was spared the image and D was spared the mortification. I think his heart rate is finally returning to normal now.

In other news - my mom has been here and you have to love a woman who will clean your entire house and fold your laundry... and while she makes Ernie act like an idiot she loves all our dogs though she is calling the puppies by the wrong names - this isn't unusual.

My husband has a list of things he wants... s*x is on that list, but there are other things baby is on the list, but again not the things I'm talking about... he wants - a fenced in back yard, new doors and windows- don't ask he hates ours - they work in my mind, a hair cut - heck I want that one too he's starting to look way too shaggy, a new vehicle - NOT happening, another gun (NOT happening, and I'm sure there's more I could add to the list - probably landscaping, someone else to paint the house and patch holes, and well ya know just about everything else under the sun. Yet I am the one accused of having expensive tastes. Yeah uhmm not. I'm the one who has been reigning D in... reminding him how much money we have, that if we do indeed make it to take home baby that we need to have x saved so that we can survive while I'm on maternity leave, that we have to do this that and the other thing... such a pain.

I truly hate being the voice of reason. It's just not my favorite thing to do... especially when all I want to do is spend spend spend.

Ah well what you going to do... apparently just continue putting one foot in front of the other and hope that I don't run into anything.

Juggling

Right now the best way I could use to describe how I'm feeling is to say I'm juggling... D feels as if he's waiting for another shoe to drop and be the thing that seals our fate. He's fearful that this is going to end. His fear is rubbing off on me... I've googled u/s measurements, crown rump length, etc etc and I have dial up so everyone knows that it took some time to do those things. We want this badly, but whenever we get hopeful we both kind of internally pinch ourselves like - quit it. Because we've been burned so many times before hope has now become the enemy rather than the savior.

Melissa posted a hope/wish box... a box for someone else to hold your wish. I'll admit to putting a wish in there. Sometimes giving voice to your fears allows you to finally be free. Of course that hasn't happened yet as my fears in the dark of the night have come creeping out.

We told my mom about this and she's tickled... and we had to back her up a few notches. D did the backing up of the bus so to speak. We told her we'd tell her when she could get truly excited and D voiced his fears to her. I'm so lucky that D has such a relationship with my mom... D has also made the decision that we are not telling his parents. He doesn't feel that they could a) keep a secret or b) understand how to give us empathy if this does go tits up. So as a good wife (quit laughing I can occasionally be biddable) we're refraining from telling them for at least a few weeks if not longer. It's also easier for us then. Everytime we tell one more person our anxiety level increases. It's not pretty at all. So we wait and hope and wish that Friday would get her sooner rather than later... and in the meantime we try not to lose our minds.

I think Thalia said it best - that u/s are generally only reassurring the day you have them after that it's back up in the air (at least she said something along those lines).

So excuse me while I go huddle in my bed and pull the covers over my head and attempt to sleep my way through the wait until u/s day... I'm trying to be an ostrage and somedays doing well - others failing miserably.