A Summary of 2005 - my life

Lets see...

January - Nagging contractors to move into our new home...
February - 1st to be exact- moving into our new home... actually hubs moving us into our new home... in laws finding a sex book... Can only imagine what they think... Going off birth control, quitting caffeine. Only a few more weeks and we'll be ttc.
March - off birth control and starting to try. BFN. Anniversary of Dad's death.
April - Fertility monitor - BFN... start of a new cycle... Fertility monitor, Fertility friend, BBT, charting... Hub's aunt and uncle- pregnant... and good cousin and wife - pregnant...
May - continues the cycle. Hubs bday - what I thought was a period, family and friends visiting, temps still up wtf? Take a hpt and hmmm that looks positive. Beta of 245 bleeding stops.
June - Beta of 535... bleeding starts back up. Repeat beta 248. Rhogam... Doctor saying - looks like things have passed... repeat beta - 271... D/C scheduled day before my birthday... wake up to nope it was ectopic... Methotrexate... this sucks.
July - on hiatus... told my mom and in laws of what occurred and how scared this made us... Hubs idiot cousin's wife announces she's pregnant (the chain smoking fiend)
August - Fertility monitor, BBT, make hubs take a day off to procreate - make into stud muffin. BFN...
September - 1 year anniversary... FM, BBT, bleeding... + with a beta of 17 then 20... then 14... Fucking chemicals on our anniversary? Hubs good cousin is killed in a tragic accident... Hubs idiot cousin arrested.
October - Doctors visit - endo biopsy next cycle... Hub's aunt has baby boy - Preston
November - Endo biopsy... 3 days later bleeding... Diagnosis - Luteal phase defect... also a Beta of 7! Fucking chemicals... start clomid... ovulate on cd 20... progesterone started... Good cousin's wife has Baby Girl Riley...
December - BFN... Clomid again... switch around to cd 3-7 for it though... O early on CD 14 (Christmas eve or there abouts...) Idiot cousin in jail... Christmas - a kitchen aid mixer... DVD's I don't like... and waiting patiently for a positive...

This would be my synopsis of my life thus far this past year... boy I hope the year 2006 has much more positive things...

Doe a deer a female deer...

So the real question is was it a doe or a buck that I hit on my way to work Tuesday night? Truthfully I have no clue. I think I stunned the damn thing which put a dent in my passenger front door. Fortunately I only have a 100 dollar deductible which is good and fortunately we decided that we would trade my vehicle in and get a new one once we got to the dealership. Dan is thrilled because he picked the color - Silver... can we all go "Yawn..." Seriously black was the other option - totally should have picked black, but we have a sunroof... I love sunroofs...

So our new vehicle is basically just a newer version of our old vehicle... a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe... upgraded from a 2002 Hyundai Santa Fe. The purchase of the first Santa Fe was done after I wrecked my 1996 Mercury Tracer - that had a sunroof! My dad and I shopped around and after test driving, researching on consumer reports we chose the Santa Fe. We were both thrilled. So saying goodbye to my old car was very bittersweet. Especially since Dad's name is still on the old vehicle and that meant dragging out the old death certificate. I know my dad isn't connected to my car... even though he did put a dent in it... but as the months pass I feel him slipping away a bit. I think of him daily - love seeing pictures of him, love remembering him, but other's don't necessarily feel that way. My mom feels she has to erect this shrine at his grave. I don't. He's in my heart. I don't need to visit a grave where the shell of his body is kept. She doesn't totally get that because she feels closer to him when she's there.

This holiday season is always rough for my mom. This year has been no different. Usually we hear a rant about what my dad would have done or should have done that he didn't do. (Sad part of this is this is no different than if he was alive) and then at some point Mom will cry about Dad. She misses him - even though she tries to act tough she misses him just as much as I do... probably more. Christmas my mom will be visiting my jack ass of a brother... and also my husband will be spending time with her. I have to work. So I will be driving 3 hours to go to work... work 12 hours... then drive 3 hours back. May not make a lot of sense, but it's what I'm going to have to do. I'd rather spend it with my mom. I'm not lamenting the fact I don't get to spend Christmas with my in laws... as truthfully I hate going to the "garage" for the family functions at Grandma's... it's a tradition I could do without... just my thoughts of course.

So... that's my news... another car bites the dust due to a deer... and we're currently on cd 13... which means I've got the weird ovulatory pain from the clomid and probably will ovulate sometime next week... I'm having a terrible time temping right now and to be honest I have no idea why. Thank god for a clear blue fertility monitor as otherwise I'd have no clue.

My dog... the Coach lover apparently...

I just discovered something... something awful. Something very expensive to replace... Lola our 9-10 month old mini dachshund just chewed part of my Coach purse... Damn dog... I love her, but this rates right up there with Ernie chewing the cord for the laptop and the multiple pairs of pants that Chance chewed the crotch out of...

Dogs... what are you going to do with them? Apparently still love them and care about them while saying "Bad dog" to them.

She spit it out when she looked at me which would have been hillarious if it was someone else's purse!!!! Fortunately my humor has returned - it got lost on Sunday with the whole misadventure and missing of the TSO concert... So now I am scouring ebay in the hopes of finding a deal a Coach for Christmas... just a simple black station bag... love that purse... damnit...

Love the dog too... Lola's priceless... the purse isn't...

At least I have my priorities straight!

Cue the laughter... and hand me some Kleenex...

Have I told anyone about my absolute love of the Trans Siberian Orchestra? Well if you haven't listened to them then you need to. For the last 4 years I have gone to a concert during the Christmas season and seriously even when in the pissiest of moods it has turned my frown to a smile - reminded me why I'm a total pollyanna and why I think that ultimately there are good people in the world. This year the concert was on Sunday. My husband arranged to have the night off from work - after going to his awful Christmas party I seriously needed this concert. So Tuesday around noon found us driving across the state with our 3 dogs back to our house, where he asked... What time is the concert? My response 8 pm I think. I grabbed the tickets out and our tickets said... 2:30 pm. I had bought tickets to the matinee concert rather than the night's performance. This wouldn't have been a big deal if we had realized this at 8 a.m. rather than at noon and weren't 2 hours away from the arena with 3 dogs in the car. I started crying, threw my sunglasses and started mentally beating myself up.

Now... I know I could have spent an extra 90 dollars to go to this concert, and if the tears would have really flowed once we got home - I'm pretty sure Dan would have made the call and gotten us front row tickets. However my own guilt about being the cause of missing the concert, combined with my period showing up really just sent me into a tail spin. I would have had instant gratification by seeing the concert, but horrible guilt over making that big a dent in our checkbook... Yes we could afford it, but there are other things we need more then spending 90 bucks on concert tickets when I had already spent that money on them in the first place. So we didn't go. I spent the night curled up in the fetal position with a puppy dog on all sides of me and the blanket pulled up over my head. (This is how I cope when depressed!) Dan didn't know what to do to make it better and to him (aka Mr. Tightwad) spending the extra 90 dollars was not ever an option.

So today found me going to my customer service class... Which was 3 hours of my life that I will never get back... And I learned the 3 A's... Acknowledge, Apologize, Amend... And never use these two words... "Can't" and "policy" if someone wants to smoke - which is against policy for patient's to leave to go smoke... We need to say... "We are very concerned for your safety and if you leave unsupervised bad things could happen and we don't want that." Whatever...

I also emailed my doctor for my new clomid script... I am thinking of taking it on days 3-7 so this will all start tomorrow... The nurse asked me to mail a copy of my chart to them... I started laughing hearing the message... He didn't even want to look at them a couple months ago when I brought them in concerned about a luteal phase defect, but now when he doesn't even tell me that I should chart he wants to look at it... So I'm emailing the website that has all my charts and telling him to have at 7 cycles of charts...

And here's 2 icing on the cake tidbits... First - one of my bf called crying - she wants to leave her husband and wanted me to come up with 1 good reason for her to stay with him... I admit I couldn't do it... He treats her like a slave - she works 80-90 hours a week asks him to clean the house and the house is trashed... He can't make it in on time to work... He just can't seem to grow up. I told her she would have to look hard at herself, their relationship and talk with him... I know total cop out... But I can't tell her what to do all I can do is support her in whatever she decides.

The second tidbit is that in a previous post a couple months ago I mentioned Dan's cousin who had been charged with csc... the jury is finally in and he's getting a year in jail. I am ecstatic about this as we (meaning both Dan and I) were fearful that he would just get probation. I think that Dan's family is of course going to take this news hard, but for the child this occurred to I am so very thankful that he received punishment as her innocence will never be given back and I'd like him to pay for the rest of his life for that. This also pushes back the timeline of when we have to tell the in laws that we can't be around him at all - ever, under no circumstances as they haven't quite gotten to that point yet...

So that's the scoop from here...

Unhelpful advice...

The one thing on this earth I thought I could count on was my mom's thoughts on this whole infertility thing. I was SOOOO wrong... yesterday after I peed on the holy hpt and came up big fat negative... I hid my hpt in my suitcase and came out of the bedroom. Somehow or other things turned to the topic of trying to have a baby and my mom said the 2 words no infertile ever wants to hear. "Just relax." I blew a gasket... I said "Mom that is terribly unhelpful - do you want to know what just relaxing got us... it got us an ectopic and 2 miscarriages... so just relaxing is not going to work. We've moved on from just relaxing to lets use modern science to knock us the hell up. So you have just said the most hurtful thing you could have possibly said to me. Just relax." My husband after this little diatribe came into the bedroom I had come back to and thrown the covers over my head and said... "You know she loves you right?" I said YES I KNOW THAT... but she needs to understand that that comment is not appropriate. He of course hugs me and says I know that - she doesn't totally understand it.

So tonight while baking cookies... I explained it to her. I explained why this was not helpful... I also explained that as long as I can laugh through my tears I'm okay. I'm not obsessed by this... (okay maybe a touch) but I'm able to look past this and see a bright side... there are bright sides to everything... I will live through this even though truthfully it doesn't feel like I will... and my puppy dogs and husband will live through this though all 4 of them have gotten on my last nerve lately... we're a team - granted a screwed up team... and we can count on one another...

So never tell someone to "Just relax." Cause next time... I'm probably going to have to throw something... and I've got a pretty good aim.

Creeping out...

Hmmm 6 days can change a lot of things... no early positive on an hpt for me... and no late positive for me on a hpt... so we've stopped the progesterone and we're just waiting for the period to show up. I can't say that I'm happy about this. Hope was briefly there, and now it's gone. Not much else to say other than thank god I don't have to go to my husband's family's house when the idiot pregnant woman who is still with her pedophile husband is there... Got to find a bright side to everything... right now that's all I got.

Oh yes I do have one more bright side... I'm going to the TSO conert tomorrow night... thank heaven!

Creeping in?

I'm 9 dpo today... and I'm still taking my temps, etc which of course are still high (thank you Mr. Progesterone). And that niggling little creature called Hope is starting to creep in. You know that annoying little voice in your head saying "It's a beautiful chart, could that be an implantation dip?" is becoming quite repetitive. My husband of course says this... "I'll believe we're pregnant when we actually see an ultrasound with something where it's supposed to be and frankly a heartbeat would be nice as well." Got to love his cynicism... I'm sad that it's come to that... that hope isn't automatically there... if and when we see a second line on an hpt - we both think - call get a blood test... get another one in 48 hours... then wait for the results to... double (stop laughing we've had them double once out of the 3 times and that was with the ectopic)... then wait for an u/s so we can know what to do... (Yeah I haven't ever reached u/s point so I'm not sure what to do about that.)

So hope or pessimism... I haven't figured out which little voice I'm going to listen to... I just pray that I make it through the holidays and hopefully get an early Christmas gift with a picture of a beating heart in my uterus rather than my fallopian tubes... excuse me while I go have that fantasy...

Also how do I explain to the nurses if no when I get a positive? When they ask for lmp I'd have to say 11/6, but I ovulated late... so should I just do the math and give them an adjusted date? decisions decisions... maybe I'll just run it by the nurse... God Hope can be so awful sometime... I'm already thinking about calling a nurse and I don't have a positive to show for it... this could be a rotten Christmas... will keep you posted.

Family time?

Today found us driving 3 hours to my mom's house... then getting right back into the car and driving an hour to see Dan's parents with my mom and 3 dogs in the car. Can we all say WAY TOO MUCH FAMILY TIME!

My in laws do not yet know that we've moved on to clomid and again to be truthful I'm not sure we'll be telling them. A part of me wants them to know that listen this has not been that easy. The other part of me says screw it it's none of their business. Visiting Dan's uncle and aunt and their new baby really made me laugh as Dan was holding Lola and talking to her as if she was a baby... She's about the right size... so yes she's our baby. However I'm pretty sure Dan's grandma, aunt and uncle really think we've lost our minds. This is not totally a bad thing, just an odd thing.

Dan's parents have been nice enough to not ask about babies or baby making, so I guess unless they ask we're not going to tell. Is this the right thing to do? I don't know. I just know that I'm not ashamed of it, just not totally comfortable with it yet. I'm not comfortable knowing "I'm the problem" Even though Dan feels it's a 50/50 deal here, right now after 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic we know... I'm the problem so far. I don't know that I want his family to know that. I'd rather they thought it was a mutual problem then the blame game can be shifted off of me. It's not like I don't already go - "I've treated you relatively well the last couple years - why can't you work the way you are supposed to?" My body's response... "Screw you." Don't ya just love a body with an attitude.

Hopefully all this wondering will be moot soon... maybe maybe I can get my Christmas present a bit early... wouldn't that be nice? I won't hold my breath on that one... but maybe just maybe hope and optimism can spring back into my life rather than fear and anxiety when it comes to pregnancy... stay tuned...

Peak on Black Friday?

So the good news... my husband survived going shopping on Black Friday... He didn't even go kicking and screaming. He willingly went into the stores and didn't complain. I was shocked. My husband has many good qualities and some bad ones and he somehow managed to keep his sense of humor and also some great buying skills.

We also came home to a peak on our monitor. So this love fest can come to an end soon... but then the inevitable 2 week wait starts and well that blows to say the least. I've joked in the past that our bodies need a turkey timer or a big magic P shows up on our bellies... now wouldn't that be convenient. I'm not sure what this cycle will bring... I do know that hubby has to take a test for a public safety department and while that normally makes me go hide under the covers until this process is over I'm not sure what I'll do... definitely means it's going to be a long Christmas season.

We also need to find some time to go visit Dan's cousin's wife and the new baby... I drew her name for Christmas and I won't be able to be there for Christmas because I have somehow managed to have to work Christmas... which totally stinks. So stay tuned... who knows what's going to go on over here...

I am thankful for...

First off let me just say mother nature is not being kind to this house, she has put down a buttload of snow and so now my mom is unable to drive here and neither is my sister. I am sad about this. Primarily because my mom is now alone for Thanksgiving and that is the LAST thing I wanted to do to her. We'll probably go back to my mom's tomorrow to hopefully cheer her up. Things like this always remind me that family is important.

So as this is my first year blogging I'm going to focus on the things I am thankful for. Here's my list...

1. My husband - he is the best, he totally gets me, loves me unconditionally... TOOK A SICK DAY so that he could come have sex with me and clean the house... put the enormous Christmas tree up (when he hates big trees) and didn't complain a bit that I slept for like 10 hours yesterday. I am a very lucky woman who has a wonderful husband. He has not once said lets not keep trying or it's your fault during our multiple miscarriages... in fact he's found other people to blame - you know random cousins we don't like just to make me smile.

2. My mom - never thought I'd write that one, but truly she loves me and loves my husband and even though she drives me nuts sometimes she's there for me- she doesn't totally get this whole infertility thing, but she tries.

3. My friends - I have 3 wonderful girlfriends in real life - there names are Amanda, Margaret, and Marcelle... each I know individually and each brings a special amount of fun to my life. Amanda has supported me through this whole infertility thing by being there and educating (introduced me to ff and charting) and by pushing me to find answers, she's been happy for me when I've gotten my positives in spite of her own difficulties and that takes class, and she's been there for me when I've gotten the crappy beta news. Margaret - has offered the use of her uterus if needed - her's is proven as a hospitable environment... and while her life is chaotic - she means well... Marcelle - the bitch left me by going to another unit, but boy am I ever happy to see her when I can... she understands what I'm going through even though she's not trying to have a baby- they are tentatively trying soon though and I am so geeked that maybe somehow we can end up pregnant together...

4. My dogs - Chance, Ernie, and Lola... bring tremendous joy to my life and lots of warmth and kisses... in spite of the feces and urine that occurs I wouldn't trade them for the world.

5. My health - in spite of an in hospitable uterus - I am fairly healthy (couldn't be all those vitamins I take?)

6. My house - while it still at times seems like there needs to be an exorcism performed I love my house it fits me...

7. My online friends - Delanie, Jenni, Jen, Christina, Alicia I've only known you for about 6 months now, but boy am I thankful for your support, friendship and advice... you all have helped me to find a way to keep going through all this even when truthfully I didn't think I could. I'm very lucky to have found a group of women that are intelligent, compassionate, and comical...

There's more stuff to be thankful for but these are a few of my favorite things... So go enjoy Thanksgiving and remember what You are thankful for!

Clomid rage or vents of a moody woman?

So... this weekend I've worked. Mind you I haven't worked much, but that isn't the point of this post. I've worked, I've clocked my hours. I've even taken the opportunity to help my unit by making a new form that we so desperately need match up with the computer... only to find out that the documentation user group has just approved a form that is supposed to do this... so in like a year we'll see this form. Until then we can not have boot leg forms... wtf? No thanks Sam for doing a great job, but we can't use this... knobs.

And... not 1 person, not 2 people, but 3 woman I work with are pregnant. I am very happy for each and every one of them. I however did have a twinge of jealousy for the one who was going to divorce her husband less than a year ago... snot. The other 2 I'm just tickled for... how come it seems to always go like that... I'm happy for one, but there's always one you are not as happy as you would hope you would be. It generally is a person whom I think they are doing things for all the wrong reasons... so at least I think my heart is in the right place and I have not become a raving lunatic... YET :)

My husband... I'm trying to convince him that he needs to come over tomorrow... why? Well to procreate. I don't know that I'm ovulating tomorrow... however I don't know that I'm not. I'd rather not do another month of clomid or another 2 weeks of progesterone suppositories if I don't have to. So I'm guilting him into coming over... lets hope my guilt trip works... I'd also like him to clean the house... before we have the relatives over for the holiday weekend... Maybe I shouldn't mention that part to him.

So wish me luck that I leggo my eggo soon... so we can get this show on the road and into the two week wait...

Waiting patiently?

So now we wait... for huge follicles to explode? Basically for me to screw up my fertility monitor again... I think my body takes perverse pleasure in having to reset the monitor. Seriously - it does. I've only had to reset it like 3-4 times in what 8 months.

Some may wonder what I've been doing over the last few days... absolutely nothing, except reading blogs. There have been a couple of arguments brewing at various blogs... I've been horrified to see that. I've been cautiously reading a blog that has a doubling beta... and praying for that fellow blogger... I've talked with a friend..

My best friend... and I want so badly for her to find her sense of humor... to find her mantra that she can say to make this easier. I have mine... there will be an end... and it will be a child... how I get there isn't nearly as important as the end. That's what I focus on. Me with all my ... I focus on a child in my husband's arms. I find pleasure in the thought that we are talking about all our options. I'm so happy he has never said to me "just relax". I am also freakishly scared that he can say - well have you checked your mucus today or peed on a stick? Yes, my hubby is a bit odd - he by the way LOVED my mattress explanation for what the endometrial tissue did. My mother on the other hand - did not get it. It took multiple explanations. My husband says this is because she is not a mattress whore like ourselves. She sleeps on a junky hotel mattress.

We did not tell the in laws of our new clomid explorations. I'm not sure that I even want to go there with them and hubby doesn't want to go there either... unless of course we have to. When I say have to - I mean we both look at each other and say - it's time to bring them into the loop... we're not even close to being there yet.

As for ovulation - we're hoping to either O super early like tomorrow or Thursday... or wait until next week. Timing wise we could be screwed if I O over the weekend, Monday, or Tuesday. So keep your fingers crossed that I can get the egg and sperm to meet...

Clomid... will you be my friend or my foe???

Hello all,

As I write today I have started clomid yesterday on cd 5... we all know that the studies have shown a better response is 3-7...so will this work? Not sure... am I having side effects... as of yet none.

I did not get to talk to my doctor yesterday... I talked to a nurse... who initially was a pain in my ass... when I asked for my lab results - which I already had and explained I knew I had a beta of 7 and that my period had gone from being normal to now stopping and that my hpt was negative (okay so it was fainter than the other one - good enough for me as my husband couldn't see the line, unless pointed out). So after initially being told that Dr. Wonderful wasn't going to be in the office today, but over in the other clinic and explaining that I was on cd 5 and would need to start clomid today or wait until next cycle... and I'd just like to figure out what he'd like me to do... this was at 9 a.m. yesterday morning... I called back at 1 pm to see if a) they had found my chart - oddly enough it was on my doctor's desk... and b) if I would hear back from anyone... I heard back at 3... script called in go pick it up and start it Thursday... so we started...

And the pharmacist was quite comical... he mentioned in the counseling session that you know that this needs to be taken at "certain" times of the month and oh by the way blurry vision is one of the side effects. My husband started laughing all the way out...

So I read the side effects to my husband - he asked if there was a safe place he could hide in case moodiness occurs. I told him he could run, but he couldn't hide.

I may have fun being the evil queen for a couple days... nah it's much more fun being nice to him. He's spoiling me and I'm enjoying it.

In Laws... What to do?

In a previous post I said that I was the best daughter-in-law as I invited my in laws to our house for Thanksgiving... Well news flash - they declined. In my husband's words they want to spend time with his mom's side of the family...

Okay - lets see... Your ONLY son invites you to a Thanksgiving dinner and you refuse?????

Am I the only one that thinks this is nuts... And when I questioned my husband about how he feels about it... He was ambivalent... Stated "not a surprise" and "typical" Which in husband speak means he's slightly hurt by this, but "used to it." Now I'm upset for him... Actually totally pissed off. Holiday's are for family and Dan was planning on taking a couple days off to actually spend with family... And his parents are totally going to miss out on that. I am angry for my husband because my parents are the total opposite... They would come even if not invited... And I'm okay with that... Even now with it only my mom - she's planning on coming. Yes, it's a long drive, but we (meaning Dan and I) do it all the time... Take one for the team, drive over and enjoy a holiday with your son...

And speaking of in laws... I totally don't get their take on Dan's cousin N's arrest for CSC... In laymen's terms... He was arrested for molesting his step daughter... His wife is still with him and is of course pregnant with their 2nd child, her 3rd... and hubby's parents were concerned that their kids were going to be taken away... Our response - it would be the best thing for those kids! We get looks of horror for voicing that statement... uhmm lets see... we think jail time needs to occur... this whole thing is making my husband nuts. He loves kids, and abhors anyone that does harm to kids, and it really really pisses him off when someone tries to defend someone that has hurt a child... (I do as well), but now it's family that is doing it... how do we combat them... what do we do to make them get it...

I'm going to speak to my father in law in the hopes of getting him to understand just what these things are doing to his son... I doubt it will work, but at least I can try... oh and we'll drop the bomb later about if N or J (his wife) are at a family function we won't be. I doubt we'll be missed as we're anti social, but at the very least we need Dan's parents to understand that this is the way it is going to be.

Thoughts??? Suggestions??? I'm all ears...

Nope not a pillow top mattress... but a junky hard motel one...

As the title of this post goes... I have my results... my uterine lining was not as plush as one would like it to be... and since I started bleeding on Sunday that meant an LP of approximately 11 days at best... while the lining put me at 5-8 days post ovulation I was in reality 8 dpo... and since an LP should be 14 days... I'm way below what I should be by either 3-6 days... so my uterus is now being referred to as cheap motel mattress rather than the plush pillow top that I hoped it would be... and to add insult to injury I may not be able to start clomid because I of course got a positive pregnancy test - yes I took one because well the only time i've ever gotten a positive pregnancy test was after period so why not... and it came back faintly faintly positive... so we went and had a beta done and it was 7... (cue the hysterical laughter) a beta of 7 at 14 dpo... good job Sam for screwing up a perfectly good month off by getting barely knocked up... so not sure what the plan of action is... my guess we can just call it a do over... the doctor may of course disagree and want me to wait until next cycle... we'll know more tomorrow... so stay tuned for more stories from the hard junky motel mattress...

Countdown to what?

Well tomorrow afternoon we will be a step closer or no closer to finding out what the deal is with our pregnancies gone wrong... I have an endometrial biopsy scheduled at 3 pm...

I am nervous, ambivalent, and terrified... what if this isn't the answer... what do we do if it comes back as fine? On the one hand I want to be normal and then on the other hand I want to have something that can be fixed by modern medicine to make a pregnancy take. Am I wrong to think that? Would it be better to hear the words - yep that was normal... you're fine or I'm sorry but your uterine lining was shit - here's the prescription for clomid and progesterone... I'm so not sure of what I want the answer to be. Also it will take a week for the damn results to come back... so I will probably have my period and then have to fight with the doctors for the results so if it is screwed up we may not start treatment until the next cycle...

Okay so not sure what to pray for here...

Any thoughts?

Riley Ann...

Welcome to the world Riley Ann - you were born yesterday to a wonderful mother - Colleen... she will love you so very much and take care of you. You and Kady are the lights of her life... and your father would have been so very happy to see you. He's with you always...

Riley is the daughter of my husband's cousin Michael who was killed in a tragic accident in September. He left behind his wife Colleen, his son Alec, his daughter Kady, and his newest daughter Riley Ann... My heart goes out to them as I know the birth of a new baby is a joyous occasion, but I'm sure Colleen is feeling pretty alone right now.

Commuter marriages and our gorgeous puppies!

Lets see if I haven't made all your cynical hearts melt with tales of my husband I seriously do not know what will.... but maybe a picture of Lola, Chance and Ernie will... can we all say we have absolutely gorgeous puppies? Currently Ernie (the big blue Weimaraner is curled up next to me... while Lola (the little chocolate and tan doxie) is laying belly up on the electric blanket beside me...

Yesterday found us (meaning the 3 pups, Dan and I) at his parents for dinner... my vegetarian tendencies were of course only appeased with peas as Dan's parents are beef and potatoes kind of people... So I ate peas and pasta... I - being the best dil they could ever dream of have invited them to our house for Thanksgiving (okay so Dan's an only child so I'm the only dil they've ever had but geez I am great!)... I should also add that the likelihood of them showing up is slim... because my mil LOVES her family and spends as much time with them as possible. Dan and I refer to the land that the family owns and lives within a quarter of a mile of each other as "The Compound" and like to avoid family gatherings as dealing with individuals that lack motivation and any sort of knowledge really really really makes our heads hurt... and what would I do with my in laws if they actually showed up for turkey day? Send my mil off with my mother and my fil off with my husband... like a good wife would do. I should also say that we've been mentioning this to them for at least two months and have yet to get a definite answer...

I had high high hopes of being pregnant by then, but I doubt it at this point... and we would not be anywhere near a "safe" point to tell - meaning the end of the first trimester... So on the upside if they do come I can drink heavily and not care that they are in my house.

Some may wonder how hubby and I do this whole weird living situation... we have a house on the other side of the state... my job is on the other side of the state... Dan's job is on this side of the state and he lives with my mom while he's working with the two youngest dogs (Ernie and Lola)... Chance lives with me when I'm working... some may wonder why... Well cop jobs are not plentiful and Dan has free insurance for the both of us... yep you read it FREE... we pay NOTHING and it covers just about everything... I currently am finding out what kind of infertility coverage it has as that will decide whether or not I keep my insurance which is crappy. We do this mainly because he just can't seem to find a job over on the other side of the state. I offered when we first started dating, and again after my dad died, and again before we bought our house... and each time I was met with "No, I like it on the other side of the state and it will happen eventually." Well 2 years going and it hasn't happened yet...

On the upside even with these kind of odds - I work 6 nights in a row then have 8 nights off and he works 5 in a row then has 2 off we somehow manage to spend enough time together to almost always hit our "peak fertile" time... however as my husband would point out... "We're f'd up." So that's our story in a nutshell... why we do the commuter marriage so to speak... not by choice, but because we have to...

Fashion Show - My Engagement Story

Having become familiar with various blogs I decided to join in the 2nd Annual Fashion Show. I'm hoping I post a picture... of my engagement ring, however that will occur later on.

As most know Mr. P and I met originally when we were 16... he remembers me, I don't remember him. However there are pictures to say that we did indeed meet. A mutual friend reintroduced us in March/April of 2003 and it was wham hit you up side the head instant connection. So much so that I almost caved and said "I love you." First... which is something I've NEVER ever even considered doing.

Fast forward to November of 2003 and you have my mom giving my then boyfriend the ring... It was my grandmother's and I absolutely adore it in it's simplicity and the fact that it fit me. So I knew eventually Mr. P would get around to asking... I thought for sure Christmas... nope... New Years? Nope... an aunt's funeral... NOPE! By this time I'm pretty frustrated, have already bought a dress on ebay and sold that dress and bought another dress... I have told my father that darnit when is he going to propose. I've proposed in the shower with him responding back with... "You need to ask my parents for permission." My response "The cat said it was okay - she'd like me to be her new step mommy..." I've snooped through emails in the hopes of finding out how and when and all that jazz... and nothing. The man has become like Fort Knox... he's not saying when and just that "It's his job" to propose...

So... by this time it's February 8 and we're celebrating Valentine's day early. I'm exhausted and truthfully could care less about what we're supposed to be doing. We take a shower... and I'm farting around in the shower... by the way I've slept the whole day away and truthfully did not want to get out of bed. Mr. P has been courteous and allowed me to sleep keeping kitty and Chance out of the room. Well I finally get out of the shower and Mr. P has apparently been busy to the point that the lights are off, candles are lit, and there's a gift waiting for me on the bed. (I had given Mr. P his V day card earlier in the day). It's a treasure chest. So I open the treasure chest and there's a message in a bottle... and it says "Now the time is right. Will you marry me?" I started laughing... and said "It's about time, you big dummy." and gave him a big ole kiss... he got the ring out and got down on one knee and asked again. We chose a date of September 18, 2005 and on our way to Port Huron, MI to celebrate we called and let our parents know the news. My father was ecstatic. He started planning things right away and had a good majority of the arrangments made by the time he passed away suddenly in March. He knew for 1 month and a few days that his daughter was marrying the man of her dreams.

WEDDING DAY - SEPTEMBER 18, 2004

Found Mr. P and I getting ready at my mom's house. We didn't do the usual of staying away from one another... at that point in our relationship we were pretty much in each other's pockets - we still are. We did the majority of the work for our wedding - decorations, invitations, set up and take down, etc. So our wedding day dawned with the two of us going to the reception hall and making sure everything was set up and the caterer was in and the cake was beautiful. That afternoon found Mr. P with his 2 best women at Dairy Queen having his bachelor party and downing some ice cream to get him through the event. It found me trying to keep my mom from losing it that my father wouldn't be at my wedding...

We arrive at the church... about 15 minutes before we're supposed to be there... and my veil breaks... my niece doesn't want to get in her flower girl dress because "IT'S ITCHY" My best friend sews my veil to my head piece and the minister wants to say a prayer and stay on time while meltdown is occurring in the bride's room... apparently he couldn't hear my 4 year old niece throwing her fit. After telling him to give us a few more minutes and his response of I'll give you 3... I almost walked out of the church. If there would have been another minister in the church I would have. I was so upset that I couldn't get 5 seconds to take a breath... but all was a blur after the prayer, and the music, and having my uncle walk me down the aisle to marry my husband, and the minister making jokes about the fact that I'm not always the easiest to deal with... and am independent and stubborn...

My wedding ring is custom made to match my engagement ring. It was also made from the diamonds in my dad's wedding ring. We love the two together... so yes we are sentimental saps... but that's okay I can always look at my rings and feel my grandma and my dad... and my husband because that's what's wrapped up in them.

It wasn't how I always dreamed it would be... I wasn't a size 6, my dad didn't walk me down the aisle, and I didn't have a laid back minister... but it was my wedding and I'd do it all over again to marry my wonderful husband... in a heart beat. This man loves me unconditionally as I love him, he brings out the best that is in me and he understands me like no other has... and he loves my parents - even though my dad is no longer with us he speaks of him frequently and he takes care of my mom... he's my other half and I am so happy that I found him...

There are no regrets, just wishes of how it could have been if only - we would have met and fell in love at 16 rather than at 25...



So go to http://babywait.blogspot.com/ and enjoy the fashion show...

Crying at the drop of a hat? WTF?

Lets see I can't really come up with great additions to my subject lines... If I haven't emotionally raped you with my tale of my father than I don't know what will... By the way I'm sorry for not putting a warning on that post... as reading it brings me to tears... okay so actually a lot of things bring me to tears. I'm not unhappy, it's just apparently that faucet hasn't quite gotten shut off completely. I was reading about the musical "Infertility" Yes... yes there's a musical called "infertility" stop laughing... and the author wrote a note and I just started tearing up... My husband has caught me crying while reading magazines like epregnancy - yes I know I'm not pregnant YET... key word YET... I can save them for later...

So what's up with this new sentimental Sam? I have no clue... and anyone that says "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" Will be shot... as I haven't even ovulated yet and this has been going on for months... meaning more than 2... Maybe in my old age (twentysomething) I've finally found out that it's okay to cry... generally crying is reserved for times when I am v v angry... or I'm reading something that makes me sad... I never never cry at work (which I was reading something and I started crying - just quietly a few tears and I'm done kind of deal) no clue... Seriously I have no idea... apparently this whole ttc thing has melted that heart of mine. Not that certain things haven't caused me to cry - Father & Daughter by Paul Simon will always make me cry but in a good way... I always feel warm when I hear that song or sing it in my head... and the book God Gave Us You made me cry... maybe I've just become a sap... not sure...

Oh yes and on the news front I bought the tcoyf software I think it's called ovusoft... and I LOVE IT!!! I also bought the virtual pc for mac and will be installing it... can we all say thank you ebay... and somehow I managed to win an EKG rapid interpretation book for 6 bucks... which it's normally like 30+ so yeah... shopping nothing but goodness for the soul.

Oh yes and stay tuned for... on the 29th of October I will be joining in on a runway show of engagements... I will try to include pictures... and links to the other women that are participating...

6:04 pm... I'm gonna watch you shine...

The past week has been up and down... Down because my best friend's pregnancy ended - most likely a chemical pregnancy and my heart breaks for her... and it has found me stuck to my computer trying to edit my wedding photos and upload them to a website so that I can finally order pictures for our families from our wedding - Yes, I've been married for over a year and yes I'm just getting around to this... so sue me.

I have this ambitious dream of getting this done and then of actually making a scrap book out of the pictures for my mother and mother in law... so I can get the daughter of the year award... (Quit laughing... it could happen in theory)

However looking at the photos triggered something for me... That there was one person that was missing and that no amount of editing would put him in the picture. That person was my dad. He died March 12, 2004... a month after I became engaged. In that month's time he planned my wedding - or at least took care of a good majority of it and managed to blab all over the county about his daughter getting married and how happy he was about it and how much he loved his future son in law. i still remember the last time we - meaning my parents, myself and my then fiance went to church and my dad introduced Dan as his son. I doubt Dan remembers it... but I do. My dad was very proud of my choice. I am too - so if I ever post of my husband being an ass - my dad would understand, but he would probably also remind me that Dan's human...

Anyway - my dad's death left a hole... a hole that nothing has seemed to fill. My father in law is a nice guy but he totally doesn't get me. My dad got me. He totally got me. In the last year of his life he would always be there for a phone call from me in the morning when I was coming home from work and was tired. He probably only heard a quarter of the conversation as he was deaf as a post, but he listened and he responded every now and then and asked questions and let me vent. He said goodnight and I love you whenever we hung up the phone. Not to say that my dad and I always got along because we didn't. My husband witnessed my dad and I having an argument over my sister and my mom... he walked away... Why? Why would a cop walk away when two people he cares about are arguing? Because he had never witnessed me raise my voice like that or my dad do the same... and in the end we hugged each other, gave one another a kiss and moved on.

I still remember the phone call from my mom... I was just hopping on US 131 southbound to head to work and returned my mom's call. I thought she was exaggerating... I prayed she was exaggerating, but I called work talked to Sally O... and had already gotten off the highway and was headed back to my house to grab Chance... and I thought to grab a black dress... just in case. Sometimes being a trauma nurse sucks... I then sped towards the other highway to get my ass home... and tried to frantically reach Dan... when I finally did he headed towards the hospital...

I still remember listening to the music that I wanted played for the father-daughter dance - "Father & Daughter" by Paul Simon from the Wild Thornberry movie... and talking to myself... saying "Dad if you have to go it's okay... I understand... and I know you wouldn't go if you didn't feel I would be okay." and I got pulled over. Why?

Well I was speeding... quite fast... I had Chance in the car barking, I was crying and I immediately pulled over and got the license and registration and told the officer "I'm on my way to Marlette to see if my father is alive or dead." That was the first time I uttered those words... dead and my father in the same sentence. The officer came back shortly thereafter and gave me a ticket and made me promise him that I would drive safely. About a minute later I called my fiance... and he didn't want to talk to me... kept pretending that the phone connection was crappy... I had to resort to asking questions like... "Does he have a pulse." I finally had to say "It's okay if you tell me he's dead. I'm okay I just need to know now." He confirmed that my dad had just been pronounced. He didn't want to give me that news. He knew just how much it would hurt me.

I still remember the phone calls I made... to work to tell them... to my best friends... and then I had to debate about whether or not to call my siblings... because my one brother and one sister were estranged from my family. I remember listening to that song... "Father & Daughter" over and over and over during the 2+ hour drive. I remember crying the whole way there... and thinking I have to be strong for my mom - which I did... I took care of everything... the funeral arrangements, the social security, the life insurance, the health insurance, my mom...

I remember arriving and coming in and seeing my estranged brother and his wife... and seeing red. Red because he didn't have the decency to see his father when he was alive, yet had the audacity to see him when he was dead. I remember talking with the paramedics and learning what had been done for my dad...I remember asking for a minute alone with my dad and no one really giving it to me but finally... they did... and touching him... he was still warm and I found that so odd... he was warm throughout... I still don't know if someone put a warm blanket on him or what the deal was, but his body was still warm and to me that was odd... and I remember asking the nurse a friend of my husband's about the time of death and finding out that the ticket I received and my dad's time of death were the exact same time. I think everyone got a chill up their spine. It was my dad's last little reminder to me... to slow my ass down...

So what's the point of all this... I don't know. I had to get this out... I relive it frequently... I relive my wedding day and how it "should" have been... I do look at my wedding day as a day with someone missing, I'd do it all over again to marry my husband... but it would have been so much better if he would have been there...

Fortunately I know he knew just how much I loved him... we had that kind of relationship... and I have no regrets, but that he would have lived to see a grandchild from me and that he would have been at my wedding... but these words Father & Daughter mean a lot to me...

My wedding did not include a father/daughter dance... I couldn't do it... my uncle was kind enough to walk me down the aisle, but I just couldn't put a substitute in and listen to that song play... it was too fresh... too raw... it still seems at time to be that way... and I don't know if it'll ever get any easier... I know he's always with me, but it's just not the same... my dad was supposed to be there for my wedding... and he was supposed to be there when I had a baby... those two events were something I dreamed of and talked about and they always included him being there for them... and if we ever have a daughter... I'm going to play this song for her and her father... and hope it makes them shine...

Father & Daughter by Paul Simon

If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You cant remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I cant guarantee
Theres nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
Its just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you get a bite
But you dont need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So youll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Im gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Poor Puppy

We did it... We were responsible pet owners and took little Lola in to be spayed... or as my mother is referring to it her hysterectomy. My fil has called it depriving her of her right to reproduce. Hubby left her at the vets and came home and hugged me and said "She looked at me like why are you leaving me here daddy?" It apparently broke his heart. So fast forward to this afternoon... we actually got sleep - I'm not sure who gave drugs to Ernie -but thank you... he slept- so in turn we slept...

We go to the vets and pick up our little munchkin who is frigid... she's so cold that hubby turns on the car and the heat and grabs a blanket. It took us filling a sock with rice and nuking it in the microwave to get her body heat up to normal... So now Lola is with her father and has her little rice sock and he's going to be checking on her frequently.

And I'm sitting at home watching a show called Electric Orgasms on the Discovery Health Network... boy if this orgasmitron works wouldn't that be nice? Turn a machine on and vroom vroom... definitely sounds like a good thing. 3 English women are signing up for this trial... the sad part is that I'm watching it engrossed - and I don't really have a problem with this issue... I feel very bad for the women who have sexual dysfunction.. this first lady poor gal just doesn't seem to get it in the right area - and she's crying and I just feel so sad for her. It's nice to know that physicians are actually taking a chance and working on this area of science.

So what was the point of this post... to be truthful I'm not sure. Right now we're in a holding pattern so to speak on the ttc bandwagon... I'm engrossed with my best friend's pregnancy and have spent a lot of time just praying that things go well. For myself - my husband and I have talked... we're okay right now... we'll keep trying for as long as both of us wants to keep trying. We've talked about the possibility of IUI's and IVF's and adoption... all 3 of these things we are open to. We'll move on to the next step when we need to. Hopefully we will never need to, but at least we've talked about the what if's... and for me that makes me feel better.

On some level I feel like a failure... but then I look at my husband and realize it's a 50/50 deal here - we each contribute... so it could be me, it could be him... either way we're in it together. And in the end... that's the part that matters. So we carry on... trudging ahead... and hoping that soon one of these days I can change this from a maybe baby to baby blog... it'll happen... I just have to be patient.

Sensitivity of pregnancy tests...

Don't worry I haven't been peeing on any pregnancy tests at least for a week - maybe even two... but here's the deal. The "listed" sensitivities of those buggers is so not accurate. Those things are way more sensitive than they let on. My favorites for big dark positives... EPT and Equate... get rave reviews in my opinion because those buggers were obvious with a beta hcg of 17 and 20... so those get my vote of confidence.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

8(*#*&(*#U**(#&U)#(*UW

My best friend got her results... Thursday's were 30, Monday's were 41... can we all say FUCK!!!!!

I can't come up with something positive to say to my best friend. I'm just praying... praying that the statistics are wrong and that things will be okay. I love her and she's my best friend and she's like my sister and damnit she doesn't deserve to have to ride this freaking roller coaster again.

It's not that I don't think she can handle the roller coaster- she has, but it's time to get off this particular ride and end up on the nice ferris wheel rather than the rocky roller coaster. She deserves a happy ending... hell we all deserve a happy ending.

In my dreams this is how things go...
My bf and I are sitting down talking... gabbing away about things... our husbands are watching the puppy dogs (she has 2 and I have 3)... we're chatting about her moving back to Michigan... and how it's so great that somehow we managed to get pregnant together... with due dates that are like a week apart... and healthy pregnancies... and we're both happy... almost hysterically so. That dream will happen one day... hopefully soon.

Right now I'm going back to praying... I hope the lab just screwed up the results... I pray that they were a fluke...

A line!

Don't get your hopes up this post has nothing to do with me... and everything to do with my best friend. She's been ttc for over a year. She's got endo, has had a recent miscarriage in May and it really took a hell of a lot out of her. And she finally got a line... God willing in 9 months she will have her little miracle. I'm ecstatic for her. Both my husband and I are ecstatic for her. I've written before that if I had only 1 magic pill that would allow a person to become pregnant I would give it to her. It's true... she's my best friend... she's my sister and I so know that she will be an excellent mom. So if anyone is reading - say a prayer up for my best friend. I want her to have an uneventful 9 months... nothing but happiness and on a sappy note - go look at the children's book "God Gave You to Us" it'll make you cry - but in a good way...

Period...

Can we all jump for joy? Yes... yes... ladies and gentleman the period has finally arrived and she brought along her sister BFN! I'm relieved. I've scheduled the endometrial biopsy... had to go around and around with the doctor's office... but it's scheduled for November 3rd... i've taken the liberty of taking the night off from work and am going to spend it in the arms of my husband... yes you guys can get all sappy. I'm dragging my husband off to the doctor's office and he's going to take care of my sorry ass afterwards. Even though it's a minor procedure we want to be there for each other. So I've got my vicodin ES from various root canals/dental procedures at the ready - since motrin is not an option due to my up and down platelet counts... so I'm all set...

Many would ask - are you preventing... nope. We're letting things go if they happen they do... if not that's okay and if by some dumb luck we end up with another miscarriage then we'll blame us rather than the doctor. Those are my thoughts about all of this.

Still FREAKING positive

Okay can I just have a huge ass temper tantrum.... (picture Sam throwing herself on the bed legs kicking and screaming...)



The freaking EPT is still +.... Equate is still +.... and Fact Plus Pro is still + and internet cheapies are still +...

Come on... this is ridiculous...

My husband just scratched his head.. and goes well uhmm yep you're still pregnant... then gave an evil grin and goes "who do you want to tell?" I hit him... told him yeah uhmm no sex for you (said in a soup nazi voice) The guys face totally fell at that...

Take that for making fun of this... it totally pisses me off... the hpt thing not him... I got my revenge with the no sex comment...

So when should I tell him I was just kidding? Right as he drifts off is what I'm thinking (evil grin)

Doctor's offices...

Okay so after spending last week waiting for my lower abdominal organs to explode or implode on themselves... I had to play phone tag with my doctor's office and of course - my doctor didn't call me on Thursday as I was told he would... and the on call doctor just kind of scratched his head and wanted me to get an appointment with my doctor... sure no problem. So off we went to the doctor... but here's some prior things that occurred on Monday...

I think all of you would have been thoroughly impressed with my response to this... (mind you you all know I've been talking to my office since last week and had to practically force myself on them for an appt tomorrow) well... I peed on an hpt (why) well I have 75 and why not - I wanted to see if they had gone negative... well they were still positive so I called to ask if my doctor would like me to get another beta drawn...

First nurse - Suzy Sunshine - Says... well that's encouraging that it's still positive...
Me - Uhmm no.. not really
Suzy Sunshine - well horomones are known for doing weird things...
Me- (the one who's worked 12 hours and now wants to go to bed so she can work 12 more) - while I can appreciate your optimism... I'm going to hedge my bets and be realistic that this is most likely a nonviable pregnancy and hope that this is not an ectopic. I'd be ectastic if I'm proven wrong, but I'll go with my gut on this one...
SS- We'll give you a call and let you know what your doctor wants...

11 a.m. Call back from office
Me- yep that's me what would they like me to do?
Doom and Gloom- We would like you to have a beta done today.
Me- that's not going to happen as I've had 2 hours sleep and must work again tonight.
Doom and Gloom- Well don't you want to know what's going on?
Me - yeah that's why I called. I'll get the test done in the morning after work.
Doom- Well what if it's a molar pregnancy.
Me- Just so you know I'm a nurse and the likelihood of this being molar is pretty darn slim as the hcg's are minimal.
Doom - well what if it's ectopic? (thrown down like a trump card)
Me- That's a closer possibility, however no one seemed too concerned about this last week and where better to be than a hospital with a level I trauma center and trauma surgeons who know and love me... and just so you know... I have no symptoms of an ectopic (other than freakishly low hcg levels)
Doom - Well fine, but I think you should have these done immediately...
Me - I gave her the number of the lab and said goodbye...

Talk about polar opposites... Fortunately my sense of humor is intact and while i would love to be pregnant with a happy and healthy pregnancy I recognize that my doctor apparently needs to figure out what keeps causing this... my vote is a luteal phase defect... but I'd really rather avoid the whole endometrial biopsy... but that's just me.


So today - Hubby and I go to the doctor... this is mind you the first time my husband has ever been to the doctor with me. So he comes back and initially he wanted to check out all the cool gadgets that were in the room... I'm like sit in the corner and quit farting around. So doctor comes back and thinks this is a "chemical pregnancy" can we all wipe our foreheads... He's like if you don't get your period in 3-4 weeks then call and we'll figure this out. We're going to do the endometrial biopsy next month as well... so fun fun fun we'll be having here next cycle...

So the witch needs to show up in full force and get her ass in gear over here as we'd like to get this baby making project back on the road.

Doubling time of 204 hours... great... just great...

Well the beta from Wednesday was 20... yes I said it... 20 at 19dpo... so a doubling time of 204 hours... I should see 40 at this rate in 4 days... can you tell we're having a ton of fun in this household? My husband scratched his head and asked... so when do you get that battery acid shot in the a**? (meaning the methotrexate)... I then had to inform him that a) they couldn't say for sure yet that this is ectopic vs your garden variety miscarriage and that b) it'd be a while... His response. I'd just like to avoid having to take you to the hospital again and have to worry that some idiot is going to give you a drug that you're allergic to when you make me leave my gun at home... Got to love the sensitivity of a cop huh?

So since my doctor is not in today we wait... not sure for what, but we wait...

Until then if any weird goings on occur in my lower abdomen don't worry... I'll let my husband take his gun with so he can protect me from the versed carrying nurse anesthetist... Don't they know that I'm allergic? Since they make you repeat your allergies like 15 times before you even get to the operating room...

Medical professionals what are you going to do with them?

17 dpo... and a beta of 17

Well... those are the results... makes you kind of scratch your head... don't it? Seeing as I've peed on just about every brand that is commercially available in the US and the peeonastick website tells me that for a fact plus pro the hcg level it detects is 100... I shouldn't have gotten a positive... however I did... the digital shouldn't have been "pregnant" and the EPT definitely shouldn't have had a + sign... same goes for Equate and first response... However I have PICTURES that prove that those things are all true... so what does this mean?

To be honest... not sure... we'll know more Wednesday when hopefully miracles will occur and my beta will be at least 34... I hate that I've gotten my hopes up and am clinging to this... but lord I just want this to go well... It'd be nice not to have to refer to myself as the f'd up one...

Worse case scenario... I wondered what I was going to do with 75 hpt's that are set to arrive at my house anytime... apparently pee on them should have been my answer...

Happy Anniversary...

I'm apparently not a chicken... I took the plunge... head first into digital pregnancy test land... and... I survived the encounter. It came up "pregnant" on my 1st Anniversary of being married to my wonderful husband...

I should be jumping for joy... however I'm terrified. Totally terrified. My husband whom I totally adore and love doesn't understand this downright sheer terror as I was the one who wanted to hop right back on the trying bandwagon. The reason... is that I want this so badly for "us" not just for me... but I see my husband with our little mini doxie Lola and I know... I know deep down in my heart to the bottom of my toes that he will be a WONDERFUL father... because he is a parent to our puppy dogs...

So what do we do now... well we wait... we wait because I in my infinite wisdom decided that I couldn't possibly be pregnant as I was having my period so I wasn't going to bother my doctor on Friday with ordering a blood test to verify... Yes... yes I am kicking myself for second guessing my eye sight... those lines I had been seeing certainly could not mean I'm pregnant... joke is on me... So we wait until Monday morning at 9 am and I wait patiently on the telephone so that I can arrange for the doctor's office to fax an order for a blood test... and repeat this on Wednesday and in the meantime... I pray... I pray that this will end positively in 8+ months with a healthy and happy baby... and that everything will be okay...

By now you guys are thinking I'm a nervous person... no... not generally... Generally I'm a go with the flow... plunge headfirst... shoot first ask questions later kind of gal... this time I'm frozen in fear and uncertainty and I truly do not like that particular feeling... i probably will be like this for a while... if all goes well with the betas the next step is... an ultrasound to hopefully confirm that this pregnancy is in the right spot... and not an extension of the fallopian tube monologues...

So... stay tuned

The Girl Who Cried Period?

So what does this mean... well it means yes I thought I had my period... and yes I still took a pregnancy test after 2 days of said period... and it came up with... a line... a line I might add that my husband was able to see... though he did say "It's very very very faint." He apparently has not heard the a line is a line is a line... line. So... we wait... we wait for what?

A sign from the heavens that this indeed a pregnancy? No... we wait for Sunday when we've both decided since it's our anniversary it must be our lucky day right? We'll take a digital pregnancy test. In the mean time... I have 3 pregnancy tests and a bunch of cbfm test sticks... wonder how many times I can pee and see lines... seriously would love to know if the cbfm works on the digital test as that would be way too cool... DH has hid the digital tests so I cannot pee on them while he sleeps... he's got them... I don't so no peeing on a stick without him... the torture!!!!

Anyways now that you all are laughing at me... I seriously hesitated to post this news as a) I was starting to feel like the girl who cried period... this is the 2nd time I've tested after getting what I've thought was my period only to find a hpt with a line... so while I am educated and do know how to read hpt's this is why we're going with the digital on Sunday... and b) I'm quite freaked out about previously mentioned spotting... so if I denied there were lines then I could hold off on calling a doctor about getting a beta... if Sunday rolls around and it indeed says "pregnant" then Monday means calling my doc and getting them to call in a beta test to the local yokel hospital... As many know I'm at my mom's house which is in the middle of nowhere... so I sincerely hope they know what the heck test I'm asking them to do... and it also means the anxiety of is this in the right spot... which to be truthful I'm not looking forward to...

What I hope is that a) this is a pregnancy and b) the spotting stops and c) that the fertilized egg landed somewhere in my uterus... because the other option of another tubal really really really freaks both hubby and me out... to the point that he's staring at me going "I don't know if you are pregnant, but if you are it darn well better be in the right spot this time... and if you are listening little embryo that means you better be in the uterus... and none of this whining that it's dark you can navigate..." While most people would find this funny - this just leads me to roll my eyes and reassure him that we couldn't be that freakish... which he then reminds me that yes... yes we could be that freakish... so he's a little bit freaked out... okay maybe a bit more than a little...

So the moral of this story is... we seriously appreciate any and all prayers for a bean in the uterus and a sticky one at that... we'd really like to not have a repeat performance of the fallopian tube monologues... which is now the name of my formerly known as ectopic pregnancy back in June...

So stay posted... We'll know more tomorrow... early afternoon... unless of course I wrestle those digital hpt's out of my dear husband's hands on our anniversary and pee on them before he makes me wait any longer than he already has...

Am I seeing things? Yes... yes you are... nothing like hallucinations of a hopeful

Well where to start... the last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. Why? Well lets see hubby's family in a word sucks... on the one level sucks because one cousin is a jackass and on the other hand sucks because a good cousin is now dead leaving a 7.5 months pregnant wife, a 2 year old daughter and a 6 year old son...

The funeral visitation was overfilled with PREGNANT people... leading Hubby to say - maybe you should ask them what they've been drinking... which led me to HIT him in front of his family a hard punch to the upper arm... Not normally a violent woman, but hey if the shoe fits... don't tell your wife who's been poas and throwing it in a monitor then checking CM, CP and temperature for the last 6 months to drink whatever the pregnant ladies are drinking... He of course just chuckled and went on his merry way.

Then we had house guests... My in laws came for a visit... they are very nice people, but I am VERY VERY VERY happy to have my house back... to myself and the dogs and occasionally hubby... So life is now beautiful...

Which leads us to the title of our post... yes I apparently was hallucinating with ambiguous lines... I started poas fairly early in the hopes of having an early positive and I could have sworn I saw a line... granted the darn things NEVER turned up in the allotted time, but a girl could hope right? So were they evaps? I don't know... was this a chemical pregnancy? I don't know... I just now the darn period showed up like clockwork and so now we're back in the trying pool... It seriously would have been nice to have a pregnancy as an anniversary present but apparently that got knocked of my anniversary gift list this year... Onward and upward right?

So I've decided if I'm not pregnant by January which is when my yearly is scheduled we'll get my doctor to start doing testing as to why we're not pregnant... this would of course SUCK... but at least now I feel as if I have a plan in place... I think... I hope that I don't need to use this plan, but if I do then I shall.

I never thought it'd take 6 months to get pregnant and really it hasn't... but a failed pregnany/ectopic just doesn't put one in the "conceives easily" boat ya know what I mean?

So I've stepped across a threshhold and to be honest the water isn't all that warm and inviting... the people are friendly, but how far do I want to dive in? Not quite sure yet... but I will of course keep you posted...

Wish me luck as we journey on and hopefully blog a bit better in the future... on to cooking dinner for hubby and I... chicken marsala with sex on the beach as a drink YUM... there is one perk of not being pregnant... got to love the liquor you can imbibe while you're trying...

Why do the good die young?

I know weird post... however we just received the news that one of my husband's cousins was killed in a motorcycle crash involving a state trooper... no definite details, but it appears the trooper was at fault... This also is devestating as the cousin's wife is currently pregnant with their second child - due in a month or two... and they have a 2 year old... I feel awful for her. I also am so angry that this happen to the good cousin or the one that you would call the good father, the good husband the NOT A CHILD MOLESTER cousin... God apparently is providing us with enough challenging things this month... I have no words of wisdom for my cousin by marriage - nothing to bring her comfort - that it was quick she'd probably rather that he had hung around for the birth of their baby, that she knew he loved her and Kady and Alec (his child before marrying) doesn't matter as now she's going to be alone... and I can't even begin to imagine how she feels... Hubby's family can be both good and bad... tomorrow we're going over there to see how everyone is holding up and to be truthful I just want to see her and give her a hug and tell her let me know what I can do to help you... I don't want to see the rest of the family even though I know I will have to... I don't want to see Dan's other cousin because there are a lot of angry words I'd like to say to him and I don't want to do that in this tragic time...

So send up some prayers... for a good husband, good father, who's life was cut way too short... and who will be missed. Hug your husbands or lovers... and tell them that you love them as you never know when that will be the last time...

YEAH a Peak!

Hi everyone... my CBEFM must love me as a) it gave me a peak and we're still in our own house... thank goodness... not that you can't do it in your parents house, but still seriously not as much fun, or noisy...

Anyways so we're in the babymaking business in between cleaning for the in law visit of next week... and how are all of you spending your labor day weekend? I hope much more productively...

I think my early peaking must be from the sex on the beach I keep imbibing... maybe it's all that pineapple juice and cranberry juice? Who knows, but hubby sure has figured out how to make them very tasty! Got to love a cop who can also bar tend... or is at the very least willing to attempt to create whatever drink you name... with the help of the handy dandy internet!

Excuse me while I go swill some more liquor before O'ing :) I figure a drunk egg should be slightly more receptive to the sperms advances...

Annual Review and a PICU too?

So flight nursing is a bust this go around... however I am going to trudge on and either get a PICU position or take on extra duties in my own unit...

My annual review was today and my manager found out about my applying for the PICU position... she was sad that I had applied and wanted to know why... lets see - you don't listen to me when I tell you there's a problem? Could that possibly be top on the list? Nah she wouldn't understand that one... so now what does she say... if I don't take the picu position she'll put me in a more leadership position such as precepting or charge... hmm too little too late me thinks... but who am I to say that right? Lets see it apparently doesn't matter that all the people that need precepting are almost through orientation huh? So it's really a moot issue... doesn't matter that most of the nurses eat their own young... doesn't matter that we have a black flipping rain cloud hanging over our unit? No those things don't matter apparently... I sincerely hope I don't do those things to my coworkers that the nurses do to others...

I doubt I'm perfect (okay quit laughing...) I know I'm not perfect, but I can't do that bad of a job can I? thoughts?

Oh as for babymaking... waiting to O... just waiting to O... fun fun fun in the land of sex on the beaches... (the drink people! The drink!)

Be vigilant... RANT!

Okay how do you put this bluntly... I hate pedophiles... I truly hate them. I hate that they have invaded my family... I'm not using the politically correct term of sex offenders... No I'm using the non politically correct term of pedophile.

My niece was a victim of sexual abuse by a trusted family friend... A friend's adopted daughter was abused by her adopted father... and now... A step cousin was abused by my husband's cousin the child's step father... and I want them all to be abolished.

This will be something that will affect these little girls for the rest of their lives and for that I am truly sorry for them. I believe there is a special place in hell for people that commit these crimes... and now I have to find a way to get my husband's family to understand why WE (meaning hubby and I) do not want anything to do with this individual... doesn't help we're both mandatory reporters and I'll take pictures of the SOB and have his parole officer on speed dial... doesn't help that hubby is going to have to document a whole lot in regards to this guy... doesn't help that both of us are horrified that we did not see any signs this was coming...

Evil can be in your backyard... be vigilant, protect your kids... teach them early good touch vs bad touch and let their voices be heard.

Nope not our month...

I'm out...
I hate it... I hate periods... I never thought I'd say that considering I spent 9 years preventing a pregnancy... and I'm only in month 5 of trying to get pregnant, but still... I hate it... I wish there was a magic pill that you could take and say bingo I'm pregnant... I spent at least 30 dollars on pregnancy tests this month... give or take a few dollars... and for what? A bfn... yep perfect timing, and a negative... apparently our sperm and eggs could not match up...

Of course I'm seriously thinking that intelligent women's eggs are apparently into playing hide and seek with their husband's sperm, but who am I to think that... oh yeah the one who has seen a number of idiots get pregnant at the drop of a hat... never have a miscarriage and of course spit out kids left and right without even taking care of the chldren that they have... Okay rant over...

It wasn't meant to be this month - I get it... it'll happen... In God's time... I have faith that it will occur... I know it will happen and hopefully it will happen soon. Hopefully 9 months from now a baby will be in my arms... and my husband will be a daddy...

Is this our month?

5 days post O - is this our month?
I probably shouldn't be reading infertility blogs... technically I'm not infertile... I got pregnant within the first couple months and had an ectopic pregnancy and of course had 1 previous miscarriage... but I think I identify with them to a certain extent... my innocence was taken a long time ago when the words happy and healthy 9 months... now I have the fear of is it in the right place... I've had 2 pregnancies and neither have gone past 6 weeks... that's saying something. Not sure what it's saying, but it's damn depressing to write.

Anyways well reading blogs of Julia, Julie, Karen, etc I got to thinking... I know bad thing to do when you're up late at night and I was so happy to see Julia's pregnant again - after the IVF with PGD... and I was ecstatic to hear of Charlie's escapades at 6 months... and I was horrified at the selfish comments that were made to Karen... and I realized I'm one of them... I may have only started this journey but I understand on some level...

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend... she's fast approaching a year with ttc and understandably quite jaded and is trying to find a way to step back a little from all of this... and I have no idea what to tell her to do. No clue!

She and I this month weirdly enough started af on the same day and had peaks on the same day with our CBFM's and probably ovulated close together... she's convinced her bd timing was crappy - mine was given a high for chances... I'm secretly hoping that somehow we both get pregnant this month or if only one of us can it will be her. She's my bf, she's my sister in every definition of the word except we do not share blood and while ttc has only just started to get to me it's been getting to her a lot longer and if there was only 1 magic pill that could make 1 of us pregnant I'd gladly give it to her so that she could have her heart desire... I know I'm a sap... but having only started this journey in March I can only imagine how she feels...and saying all these things mean nothing because unfortunately I can't back up the promise of the magic pill... all I can do is be her friend and support her as she supports me and sometimes that feels like it just isn't enough...

I'd offer her my uterus however that apparently has not been proven to be as hospitable as it's owner so that's out... same goes for the eggs - not sure they're quite up to snuff yet... hopefully this will be a moot point and my dear friend and myself will both soon have babies to love and snuggle... and that's really what all this is about... we both want to be moms...

Someone please hand me my sense of humor... I think mine is lost...

In laws - love them... in small quantities... joke about them living on the compound as they all live really close together. So we go to dinner and fortunately it was just my MIL and FIL and us and the dogs. They had a few questions about the ectopic and they were polite... but... (there's always a but isn't there when dealing with in laws) a cousin is pregnant... I of course held my tongue (by biting it bloody). It's not that I'm not happy for them... I am on some level - however I would be happier if - they a) took care of the kids they have, b) cared about the children that they have and realized how precious they are, c) worked... and lets not forget that after the last child a year ago her doctor told her not to have anymore... Oh and when we finally leave as we drove past the cousin who's pregnant's house... Poor hubby goes "God definitely has a sense of humor."

Okay so now I'm done venting... I think... my in laws mean well and I always remind myself of that... they love my husband...and they even love me and our 3 puppy dogs... so I have that to be thankful for... that and dairy queen. DQ is on the way home from their house so since we were both in a crappy mood after hearing that news we had to have ice cream to feel better. Hell I wanted a shot of tequila...

Fortunately I know that most that will read this blog will understand when I say that I don't wish a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or even anything to go wrong with hubby's cousin's pregnancy... I don't begrudge them their happiness... I just wish that my mil would not have gone from asking me if I was well to telling me about this new pregnancy... it just was bad timing... there's 9 months - tell me in month 3 rather than immediately. Oh well...

So here's hoping that all of us get huge BFP's that stick and have a happy and healthy 9 months... I think all of us on this ttc roller coaster deserve it.

Marriage is...

I love my husband... seriously I do. Sometimes I just don't necessarily like him all that much... today is fortunately not one of those days. He's been great - taken care of me after the d/c and very supportive almost too authoritative with this whole diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy... one would almost wish that he wouldn't think he knew it all. But he's not saying what he's feeling or thinking... I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to add to my worries or if he's just focusing on taking care of me...

This is written kind of after the fact... it freaked him out. Plain and simple all of this has freaked him out. He loves me and doesn't want to lose me... (if that's not enough to make you puke I don't know what will) But he's serious about this. I think he'd even have a baby if it was possible to prevent this from happening again.

I knew there was a reason I married this man and these are the days it always becomes clear why. He brought me flowers home... as it's my birthday and he took care of me when I'm not necessarily fit for human companionship... He of course also yelled "Don't throw up... You just took a bunch of pills" rather than holding my hair when I decided I was going to be sick... but well you can't have everything... Sometime your knight in shining armor is a regular guy...