Parallels Part 2

After making everyone feel horribly depressed with my last couple posts... I have good news... but first I have a story for you...

Have I ever told you how D and I met? My last post focused on how my parents met... well D and I have a similar incident but no I was not drunk, did not steal a boyfriends car and did not end up in a ditch with D towing my butt out of it. So there are two ways to look at how D and I met... I choose the second... He always mentions the first.

I count our second meeting the one where we end up together as our first... D counts the original meetings when we were 16 or 17... he has a picture he can prove that we met. I on the other hand do not remember him.

I know that's horrible. I have no recollection of meeting him. At the time I assume I was so "in love" with a boy or so "busy" being a teenager that I was just too self centered to notice him. He says I was perfectly nice, but "andy's girl" or "clayton's friend." Both of these things are true. I'm in his senior year book... he sat at the table I did when I went to prom with Clayton... and I have no memory of him. Still feeling slightly guilty about this... I really felt awful when I was shown the picture that we're in together... I'm such a knob for not remembering him. But in my defense he looked WAY different back then than he does now... he was scrawny back then... and his hair was weird.

Anyways today marks a special occasion... 3 years ago today D showed up at my house... we'd been emailing back and forth talking about a mutual friend. We had plans to celebrate this mutual friend's birthday which was the 1st. I of course had to work that night, but we'd all go out on the 2nd.

So... 3 years ago today D knocked on my door... and fell into my life. I didn't know it at the time that we'd end up together. I thought hmm he's kind of cute. I like his eyes. I hope he takes good care of Chance while I'm gone.

We talked, I gave him a key to my house so he could go out and about and still be able to get back in and off I went to work. Leaving someone I had emailed and talked on the phone with alone in my house with my dog... Fortunately D came with good references or I wouldn't have allowed him to stay at my house.

I may have viewed D initially as a fling... Shhhhh don't tell him that - though since I usually suffer from diarrhea of the mouth I'm sure I've probably disclosed that to him as well (I think on the first date!)

Stay tuned for the details of our second day this is where things get interesting...

Parallels

While I've talked about my dad on this blog, I haven't said much about my mom - and while this is post is about the two of them I will post about just my mom in the future. I'll give you a glimpse of her and then of the two of them.

When I say you'll never meet another person like her... I'm not kidding. Many friends have been surprised to meet her and find out that the stories I tell are all TRUE. She's truly a unique individual. I don't mean this in a bad way, just in a unique way.

Well my parents were married in 1976, but how did they really meet? If you asked them before I was born they would tell you that it was by attending a parents without partners meeting. My mom was in the process of getting divorced as was my dad... Both of their soon to be ex spouses were less than desirable spouses. My dad wooed my mom by being a good father figure to her children (my brother and sister). Apparently my dad had my mom's number right from the start. He'd ask my mom if he could take the kids to a carnival, fair, event, whatever - knowing full well that my mom can't ever stand to be left out of something so she'd invite herself along as well. After months of doing this they finally went out on a date alone without the kids... And well as the saying goes the rest is history.

However in reality my parents had met years earlier. My mom found this out when she was 6 months pregnant with me. A friend of hers from high school asked her who she had married and when my mom told her she started laughing hysterically...

My mom was a bit of wild child during her teenage years... I've heard stories of her waking up in a hearse. (I still can't quite picture that one) Apparently her and her friend decided to steal her boyfriend's car and ended up in a ditch... Yes alcohol may have been a contributing factor, snow may have been as well. My mom's friend called a family friend to ask if her son could come tow them out.

You might have guessed by now that my dad was the tow truck driver... If you've guessed that then you'd be right. What you might not have guessed is that my dad didn't charge them a dime, just made them promise that they were safe to drive home and that they would never be so foolish again.

My mom never in a million years imagined that the tow truck driver from years past was actually her husband. She ran home from work and asked my grandma - who confirmed that it had happened and then asked my dad.

He remembered towing two crazy girls out of a ditch, but hadn't put much thought into the friend of the girl - just had thought they needed to get their crazy butts home.

So my dad and mom apparently didn't make much of an impression on each other the first time they met... Thank goodness they made better impressions on one another at their next meeting or I may never have been born. This makes me feel better because I don't remember D and my first meeting...

Privilege

When I work (I do generally 5 or 6 night stretches) a lot of the time I end up with the same patients during that stretch. I take ownership of those patients... Having a patient for 6 nights in a row can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because - the continuity of care is a good thing - you "KNOW" the patient, the family knows you, and there's a certain comfort level that comes with those things... a curse - because you can become attached, the patient may be a pita, the family may be pita, the patient may just be weird, or the doctors may just drive you bonkers. The other curse is that no matter what you do right not every patient will survive what has brought them to the hospital. This curse is tough... as a nurse we're here to help, to fix things so to speak. Switching from taking care of the patient and "fixing" things to comfort and taking care of the family is a complete 180 degree turn.

End of life things - are hard to describe. I think as a nurse it is an honor or a privilege that a family gives you to care for their loved one at the end of their life. I think my job as a nurse is to make sure that all of the patient's and family's needs are met. That the patient is allowed to die with dignity and pain free. Here's an example... I apologize in advance...

Probably a year or so ago I had the pleasure of taking care of an individual who was involved in a car accident. He was truly in an accident - he wasn't drinking, someone else hit him. He was a good person and his family was devestated by the initial news. The father who had raised him was devestated. When his parents had divorced his father was the one who had primary custody and raised him. This man truly loved his children. The injury report he was given was bad... very bad. I spent 6 nights talking and praying and educating and listening as this father wrestled with the decision of what to do. He knew what his son would want, but he was terrified if he made the choice to "withdraw support" that his other son would hate him. He was fearful that his injured son would end up in a nursing home alone - that the family as a whole would visit but that they would get on with their lives. It was a very realistic fear and he knew it. He didn't need me to tell him that but he needed me to validate what he was saying.

Every now and again you get lucky... you get lucky in that you can see/feel this palpable love... this was the case his dad would be there during the night and generally go get some sleep and show up again around 4-5 in the morning and we'd talk about his son, about what kind of person he was, and you could feel that love that he had for his son and the love he had for his other children. It was heartbreaking to watch - but also a privilege.

Eventually we found out why his brother was having such a hard time with this - they (meaning the pt and the brother) had had an argument - neither one ever got the chance to apologize. Guilt can be a tremendous thing to overcome... and fortunately the patient's brother was able to do that. The patient's mother had a tremendous amount of guilt because she'd been a pretty lousy mom... The patient's father was wrestling with the guilt of wanting to do what the patient would want - withdrawing support.

Ultimately everyone in the family came to the same conclusion based on numerous conversations, hours of prayer, and I believe God's hand was all over this - because we were able to arrange hospice and the patient managed to survive a 3 hour ride to his father's home, he died about an hour after getting there. After that stretch I was emotionally bankrupt. I had nothing left to give - but I did and I still do.

I don't love death, but I do think end of life care as a nurse is one of the hardest things to do as well as the most important things to do. In nursing school they discourage you from crying with families... in reality a lot of nurses cry with families - including me. I don't normally allow family members to hug me. Every now and again one gets through and it solidifies and reminds me that I was meant to be a nurse. It validates what I do. I may not get thank you notes, or even an update card telling me how that patient and their family are doing, but that moment, that day I know that I've done some great things and helped this family in whatever they are dealing with.

I love my job. I think it's a privilege to be able to help families and patients when they need it most. I'm not going to say it isn't easy, but it's something I hope I'm good at. I hope this post makes you think. Advanced directives or durable power of attorneys for health care are wonderful things... make sure your loved ones know what you do and don't want - it is truly important to do. The other thing I'd like you to think about is...

Everyone always tells people to live each day as if it was your last, but truly how many of us do? I don't always, but I try. I never let the sun go down without letting my husband know I love him. I always hang up the phone with loved ones letting them know I love them. So live today as if it was your last. It's kind of liberating isn't it?

1 year and... Happy?

Yep we've hit our milestone so to speak... we've been ttc for a year. Truthfully it feels no different than the first month. I read a book recently called - "The Fertility Surival Handbook" and in it it said to reset the clock whenever you get a new diagnosis... so if we're going with that philosophy we've only been ttc since November - so with that philosophy we've only been trying for 4 months. That sounds a heck of a lot depressing than a year right? We'll go with that I think.

We're fine - started shooting up and we'll see how things go in a few days with bloodwork and u/s. Hopefully I respond better than I did the last time - but we'll see. I know I know it's quality not quantity, but if you ask me I think I shot out some crappy eggs last time.

On an odd note - tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So since I've done some big long depressing posts about my dad - although with much love... it's time for a cheery land of the living post about my mom.

When I was 18 I went to visit my sister up North so to speak. While visiting I bought a dog. Granted - I did call and let my mom know I was buying a dog as well as talk to my dad about it. My mom hung up the phone. The apartment I was going to be living in once I went off to college did allow dogs so I figured I was golden.

So I bought this dog and loved him and still do. We came home (meaning Chance and I) and my mother was screaming - don't you dare bring that dog in here - I am no longer talking to you... You're disowned. She was quite upset.

Since I've never been the shy type and certainly have pushed the envelope a bit, I brought this 4 lb puppy into the house... and tried to get my mom to look at him. I knew if she got a look at him her heart would melt at this one brown eye one blue eye puppy... She kept her eyes firmly shut and her head turned away. She wasn't listening to a word I said. She had my sister on the phone and was yelling at her too.

Thank goodness for Chance or I might still be disowned. I put this little 4 lb weiner dog down and he started checking everything out in the house. He came across a newspaper and grabbed a hold of it and took off running - well since the newspaper was over his head - he really had no vision as to where he was going. He ran into a table... and yelped. My mom dropped the phone and ran and picked him up asking him if he was okay - etc. Chance wormed his way into her heart. Nothing else was ever said about my being disowned. In fact my parents kept Chance the first 12 weeks I had him in order to house train him.

Now - my mom routinely watches our 3 amigos. She loves them and cuddles with them and talks to them. This is a different woman than the one I grew up with. She's happier. She shows her emotions and love a lot more easily. For that I am thankful. When we do finally manage real live human children she'll be the one to take care of them. She'll be our "nanny" and both D and I are very greatful for that. Eventually she will live near us and most likely will also live with us. We're both okay with that.

D and my mom have a unique relationship - he calls her on her oddities and also calls her a hypochondriac. My mom absolutely adores him and D is very protective of her - he watches out for her and I am glad that my husband likes my mom. With prompting he bought her flowers and a card for her birthday - he even hid it until this morning. He also is going to watch "Walk the Line" with her tonight.

So - while we won't out her age online... we will say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM - and yes we know it's March 27th not the 26th but we're celebrating now because it's a weekend!

Patience- I've heard this is a virtue?

Everyone knows the saying Patience is a virtue...

Well we're going to hopefully exhibit some of that virtue this cycle. After much discussion we've decided that this next cycle there will be no premature peeing on hpts. Meaning I won't christen anything with my urine unless asked by a medical professional - the medical professional cannot be me. We'll wait for a beta to tell us if we are or if we're not. The prometrium worked wonderfully - no breakthrough bleeding - with the last pregnancy in January I had started with pink cm the day I got the positive... it progressed to full onset in spite of progesterone supplements (very low dose ones in comparison with what I'm taking now) so hopefully this means my endometrium is responding appropriately to everything and actually functioning well.

We've decided to let those we're paying money to do the jobs we're paying them to do.

Does that make sense? It does to us... and hopefully we're going to enjoy this a bit more than we did last time. Now I know what to expect... and that helps me greatly because it wasn't that bad. I can get through just about anything, but this month I don't have an HSG to get done as well as all those u/s. I have all the u/s to do, but I don't have to worry about another hsg and that in and of itself is a great thing.

So charge on... lets keep trucking along. Also some prayers and positive thoughts are always welcome. Know I'm sending them out to the universe for all of you as well.

Onward and Upward

Finally... Finally my body has decided to save me from yet another blood draw. We were saved by the uhmm proverbial bell. I was supposed to get another beta done if the good old period had not yet arrived. She decided to show this morning. So we had our screening u/s done and we are foot loose and cyst free. Apparently all that limboing I've done the last few days have caused things to shape up in there.

Now since some of you may have thought I was hallucinating about that whole beta of 5 with a positive hpt... I've said it in the past and I'll say it again EPT has always been the MOST sensitive for me... So this is what a beta of 5 looks like on an EPT -
Personally I had the number in my mind as maybe 10-15 with that kind of line, but that just goes to show you that my interpretation of lines is to be called into question.

In all seriousness we've come up with a game plan (we meaning Dan and I) I am promising to not take another hpt until after we have a beta confirmation... this next time we're not getting a beta done until I'm 14 dpo. Yeah I know a tad overkill, but I'm over the puney numbers. If this is going to happen I don't want to see 5 as the result. We're looking for 50. I talked with the nurse about the hpts... I said "While I could maybe believe I was hallucinating, I know my husband does not have the same precision with those things as I have and he seen the + sign." I think all of you should be supremely impressed that I did not bring the pee sticks like my husband wanted me to, I almost asked for her email so i could email the image to her. Dan would also like me to send a note to EPT and another company and let them know they are definitely the MOST sensitive, but that to show someone that kind of positive at such a weak number just causes a lot of heartache and that we'd like our money back. I told him if he wanted to do that we could, but that it was unlikely anyone would give you money back when there was hcg in my system, just a crappy level. He became a bit disgruntled then moved on to playing with the dogs.

So the news update is maybe start shooting up on Friday... we're switching things up a bit this time -hoping for a better response on all levels... keep your fingers and toes crossed and inside the cabin at all times.

On a personal friend update... One of my dearest friends just found out that she is pregnant after 20 months of ttc. I am ecstatic for her. It's been a long journey so send up some prayers, positive thoughts, etc her way... she's on my list so go give her some good cheer and CONGRATS are in order!!!!

Limbo

Remember that song when you were a kid...


Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!
First you spread your Limbo feet
Then you move to Limbo beat
Limbo ankle, Limbo knee
Spread out like a Limbo tree

Here we go!

Get yourself a Limbo girl
Give that chick a Limbo whirl
When the Limbo moon's above
You will fall in Limbo love
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the clock --

Yeah I have that song playing in my head... just received my results from Friday... I had a beta of 5...

It's okay we're laughing right now because if you would have told me it was 5 on Friday I would have said are you kidding I thought EPT was only accurate to like 20 or more... no apparently I'm a freak that can get just about anything to read positive.

So now we wait - for what I'm not sure, but we're still living in limbo land. I think I would have rather had a completely negative thing and apparently I need to not ever take a pregnancy test again because I'll see a line, hubby will see a line, and the blood test will still come up freakishly low.

So... go grab your limbo sticks and lets LIMBO!!!! If we're going to live in limbo land at least lets make it fun and interesting!

Yeah uhmm no period... still?

So Friday found us getting more bloodwork done- yes the infamous beta hcg... I did it early enough so I should have gotten results in theory... however I didn't call for them and they didn't call me so no news. I did pee on a test and of course the freak that I am it was positive. Which if you know me means absolutely nothing. I am probably the girl most infertiles hate... the one that gets a positive too frequently. It's not something I can control - believe me I'd rather have a negative over the amount of positives I've had that have lead absolutely nowhere fast... However it's not within my control.

In a perfect world though - yes this is my fantasy so bear with me! I would have a positive test and it would lead to a positive baby at the end. There would be no need for repeat betas and my husband and I both would be ecstatic and would not use the clarifier of "Don't get your hopes up" or "Yeah that's positive, but what did the numbers really do." or "Show me the ultrasound that proves this one..." Yeah we've become a tad cynical.

I don't wish cynicism on anyone... and if anyone knows a good cure for it please send it my way.

Crap...

Well the results are in... beta was 3... so uhmm yeah that's negative since they consider anything under 5 negative. So onward and upward right ladies and gents... (not sure if any guys read but you know what I mean).

We're okay - meaning we looked at one another and said when has the first month ever worked for us... it's generally an every other month kind of thing... which means next month. We truly are okay... disappointed but okay and that says something. We both want this more than anything else, but we're trying very hard not to lose sight of the important things. No we don't have a pregnancy or a baby, but we do have each other and 3 wonderful dogs (wonderful when they're not eating chocolate and wonderful when they're not peeing on the duvet cover). We have a lot to be thankful for and for that I am. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of those things. I have a fabulous husband, great friends, and I'm okay with me... so onward and upward we'll get there... it may take us a while, but we'll be okay.

Sometimes bad things happen...

How do you move on when they do?

I know for me I tend to rely on my faith, on the love of my husband, on the love of my dogs... others use alcohol, or drugs. Other's use lawsuits... What's right? I have no idea.

With all the upheaval and stress in hubs and my lives he bought a book... actually 2 out of the 3 part series... It's about child abuse. Now as a couple that works in health care and also in law enforcment and has fertility issues... I'm not so sure this was a good idea, but he read it. Then he told me about it.

I read the first book last night. I wanted to just sit and bawl at the atrocities that a human being would do. The book is a true story. A story of survival. "A child called It" by David Pelzer. I feel that I have to make my in laws read this so that they understand why we're so upset and up in arms about any form of child abuse. Severity doesn't matter.

A wise nurse I work with once said... it's better to educate and inform than to bitch and complain. So... I'm using that philosophy in my personal life and we're going to attempt to educate and inform them not only on child abuse but maybe even about the fertility crap. I don't know if this is a futile thing or if it's even stupid to do. However I've spent enough time bitching about it... it's time for action.

I've also decided that I want to switch up our donations we do to charitable organizations... I'm still in the beginning stages, but I know there's going to be some child advocacy organizations as well as child abuse prevention organizations... Education can be the key for a lot of things and getting the word out is the hardest thing to do... maybe I'm only 1 person, but I've certainly got a big mouth.

On the cycle front... will know more maybe tomorrow... maybe the next day depends on if I get my fear under control.

Dogs - what ya gonna do?

Ernie escaped...

He had the audacity to escape from his kennel while we were at the dentist's office. Since his kennel is in the basement... which has not yet been organized. I know I know I've lived here for a year, but come on with all the driving I do back and forth there just hasn't been any time, motivation, ambition, etc to do it. He proceeded to devour a box of weight watcher lemon creme 1 pt cakes (the cakes, the wrappers, the box), a box, some plastic, etc etc...

We found out exactly how much crap he ate approx 5 hours later... it wasn't pretty. However he also didn't tell us that he ate chocolate. Dove milk chocolate hearts with pretty pink and hot pink wrappers. I can't eat dove chocolate now... THANKS ERNIE... my diet thanks you... I however am not so thrilled.

After the initial panic we thought we'd have to take him to the vet to have his stomach pumped etc. However for the milk chocolate to be toxic to a dog Ernie's size he'd need to eat about 80 lbs of it... I may like chocolate but he only ate half a bag... so we were good. Poor dog felt miserable for a day or two... I thought it was justice for the fact I had to clean the carpets. Okay so hubby did it, but still I bought the carpet cleaner right?

One and One is Two

In a few short weeks we'll be at a milestone... today however we're at another milestone as well.

Both of these anniversaries are bittersweet. One means that we've been on a journey for a year... two means someone has been gone from our lives for two years.

I can deal with the first one... but I haven't quite wrapped my fingers around the second one... the first is in 2 weeks and we'll have been ttc for a year. I will know before then if this cycle was successful or a bust. The second more painful one... is the anniversary of my father's death...

My dad was 65 years old - just 38 days shy of his 66th birthday. My dad had survived cancer and a stroke only to be felled by a combination of things... the flu and diabetes.

I need to tell you guys about my dad... My Dad truly helped to shape the person that I am. He even helped to shape D a bit... So here's some info on my Dad that you may not know.

My dad was 40 when I was born... on his second marriage... and all he wanted if you asked him was "a healthy baby" and anytime you asked him (which I did at least a few times) he would get this big grin on his face when he said it... he wasn't faking that happiness. He was so happy to have a baby that as long as it was healthy nothing else mattered. Let me also give a clarification... my Dad's first marriage resulted in a child... however my Dad was not the father... he married his first wife when she was 7 months pregnant... and his name is on the birth certificate... he NEVER treated my sibling as anything but HIS. I didn't find this out until I was probably 17... (I was a little slow on the uptake... my dad had brown hair, brown eyes, - my sibling blond hair, blue eyes... a height difference as well...) Anyways... biology didn't matter to my dad... and he did not treat me any differently than he did the other kids... we just were closer than the other kids... primarily because while I was growing up my Dad worked closer to home... more time to spend with me etc...

My Dad never allowed my sex to be an issue... a girl can do anything, be anything and do not let anyone tell you differently. He truly believed that nothing in this world but myself would stop me from achieving whatever goal I had my mind set on...

My dad was also the one who took me to the ER when I had to have stitches on the day of his mom's funeral because I was showing everyone how "grandma died" (She fell out of a chair... (I ended up with stitches in my forehead due to that one.) Over the years he'd take me for blood draws, doctor's appts, ER visits, etc. And always his calm presence helped. He never let on that he was scared or worried... just that things were going to be alright. He did this with himself... when he was diagnosed with cancer I was 11 years old... and I remember going to the hospital and him telling me to get my homework done and that all would be okay. I believed him and it was.

My dad held me to a higher standard than my brothers and sister. I was the one who brought home A's... not C's... and if it was a B+ or A- why wasn't it an A... he expected that of me. It wasn't always easy, and I didn't always thank him for that but ultimately I think it made me a better person for it.

He loved watching me play softball... and he'd stand behind home plate while I was catching yelling out "you need your glove higher", "your crouched too low", or when I was hitting "Why are you swinging at those that was a high ball!" The umpires would make comments to me when they realized that was my dad back there yelling at me... My dad was able to umpire one of my games... and he called me out at home... Can you believe it... I was safe too... and he called me out! He did not want to be thought of as playing favorites.

When I was 16 I was involved in a pretty awful car accident... it left me in intensive care for about 2 weeks and the hospital for a total of 3 weeks... My dad when he got to the hospital kept it together... he never let on that they had been told that the next 24 hours were critical... that depending on what my liver and kidney's did things could get dicey. He just came in and said "we'll get through this and I'll be here every step of the way." He was... he came after work once I got out of ICU and when I was in ICU he didn't go home until I became less critical... because home was an hour away and that was just too far for him.

When I started driving Dad had such faith in me that he'd ride in the back while a friend rode in front... and every so often he would say "SLOW DOWN" (not yelling it just a quiet deep voice) This same friend and I were called "floozies" on more than one occasion due to our attire and makeup.

My dad also had faith... and he shared that faith with D... D wasn't raised with Christianity being a large presence in his life... I on the other hand was... and my faith while I'm not open about is something that is always present and something I feel is important in our marriage... D was willing to "go through the motions" and "take the classes" but my dad made a point of talking about faith and what it meant to him... and slowly D started to go to church on Wednesday nights... The week prior to my dad's death we had all gone to church and for some odd reason the minister wanted each family to introduce themselves... My dad stood up proud as a peacock (he was only 5'5") and introduced my mom, myself, and then introduced D as his son. D was honored... and when I say honored... he truly knew that my dad approved.

My Dad knew before anyone else about D... he knew I thought that D was the ONE... and the first meeting D had I had invited him to spend the night at my parents house... my parents were fine with that... (I'm an adult) D was terrified that he would wake up with a shotgun in his face... well that wasn't my Dad's style... and the gun cabinet was in the room we were sleeping in... However when my Dad died... D found out the truth... my Dad had a whole collection of guns and ammunition under his bed... and if he had wanted to shoot him he could have... D was thankful he liked him from the beginning.

My dad was my closest confidant... we didn't keep secrets... he was my staunchest supporter, my biggest advocate... he was beside me every step of the way... and the day he died... a large hole was left where he used to be. I don't cry for the things that I regret... I cry for the things I wish we had had the chance to do which fortunately are few... such as being walked down the aisle... and him being there when I have my first child... I cry now because it's not the way I wanted it to be... but even in death my dad gave me a sign.

Remember how I mentioned that whole speeding issue I have... well on my way to the hospital on the day my dad died... I got pulled over... and I got a ticket (yes I deserved it) Well the freak that I am when I got to the hospital I asked what the time of death was... (it's a nurse thing okay?) I can't help it curiousity was there... It took me hearing the number and actually seeing the number and pulling out the ticket and showing it to the nurses... The time of death and the time of the ticket were the same. I think I freaked the nurse's out a bit... I know it freaked D out a bit... to me it brought comfort... and while it could be a coincidence... I choose to look at it as a sign from above... my dad reminding me he's watching... and so is God... and to SLOW DOWN! So... that's my dad... in a nutshell... he was a dirty ditch digger, a jack of all trades, a handyman, an engineer, a truck driver, a hard working never not had a job kind of guy who could play barbies with the best of them and color like a mad man... he was simply put my dad and no matter how many years have passed... I still miss him and cherish the memories.

In closing... a line from Father and Daughter by Paul Simon... I wanted to dance with my dad to this song... because I truly felt it showed how we felt about one another... even singing the song in my head I feel closer to him... so...

As long as one and one is two... there could never be a father who loves his daughter more than I love you...

Favorite Daughter or Daughter In Law of the Year Award... and other Random Thoughts

Have I mentioned the scrapbooks from hell? The scrapbooks from hell are two 7 x 7 scrapbooks I decided to attempt of our wedding (which was in 2004) for my mom and mil. Yes... she who has never scrapped before decided this was a good idea.

Did I mention I procrastinate. Which is why I only purchased the pictures a few months ago. So... a few weeks ago I went for a weekday scrap get away. It was WONDERFUL... granted these women are way way way out of my league, but they were helpful and they gave me ideas and it's something I enjoyed. It fueled my energy to learn and create and to just get this project done.

So... I almost have both scrapbooks done... which is why I'm hoping when the votes come in I'll win the daughter or daughter in law of the year award.

The only pages that are missing are of the three mongrels... and a family picture of us with the dogs. I think that's pretty good. In my mil's book there is a page that has my in laws kissing - mind you my fil/mil are not very affectionate so it's kind of a once in a lifetime picture... on the opposite page is a pic of D and I kissing... and both pages say kissable! My mom's album has a picture of her and my dad in the book. The two of them were dancing at my sister's wedding and they looked so happy and so in love and on the opposite page is a picture of hubs and I dancing looking very much in love. I think it will make her happy and probably cry... in a good way.

Actually I know it will. My husband saw the page and the words I had put on it and he hugged me and said "That's beautiful."

We talked on our way to his parents house as well as on our way home. We talked about his parents... about my parents... about my mom... about us... about when to do a beta... etc etc... It was good. It was productive but not that productive. We didn't make any decisions in regards to what day to do a beta etc...

On an odd note... Anyone watch the TLC program Little People, Big Dreams? I'm hooked... I like Matt and Amy and Zach and all the kids... it definitely gives me something other than soap network to watch in the middle of the night when I'm not working.

So... Now we wait...

Trigger was done on Tuesday... looks like we O'd either Wednesday or Thursday.

Now... we wait.

Wait for what? I don't know...

What does a girl with hcg circulating in her system do for 2 weeks- certainly not pee on hpt's right? WRONG - I've got 50 of those buggers why not. Granted seeing them get fainter is slightly depressing... but hopefully I'll see them get darker as well. The doctor's office nicely told me that I could get a blood draw on Friday. I think that's great THEY want to know on Friday... I'm not so sure I want to know on Friday... doesn't that sound crappy. A part of me wants to know immediately... the other part of me wants to hibernate and not learn while I'm working. Namely this falls during a time period when I'm going to be at work... talk about sucking eggs... I think I'd rather find out on Wednesday when I've just finished my stretch and my husband is going to be there to deal with the fallout...

One of my close friends has thought of me as Suzy Sunshine... Ms Optimism... Pollyanna... etc etc... I don't feel like that girl right now. I don't feel like this worked... I know we'll do another cycle of injectables if this doesn't... and I can at the very least cling to that knowledge... but I wish I had that strong feeling that things would all work out... and I can't quite get that thought to take hold. So... I'll pray... and I'll pray... and I'll hope... and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this two week wait will end positively. And if not... that I'll have the courage and the faith to keep going on.

Trigger...

The U/S showed a lead follicle at 15.5, the rest were I think 11 and 10... she found a few more. My E2 was 118, and my lining was 7.5 (I think I have all these numbers correct - I could be wrong) anyways... so that's what the scoop is...

We're triggering tonight after doing 1 last gonal-f injection... I'm terrified. On the one hand... what if this doesn't work? On the other hand... what if it does? Part of my two week wait will be me just vegging and relaxing with my husband... the other part will be me at work... and well we all know how work is going. I don't want to be an emotional wreck while there. Maybe I can quickly move to Siberia???? Or how about... Italy... the olympics just finished they could use me... pleasant, cheerful, nice...

I talked briefly with my manager this morning about the incident this weekend... I don't know how I feel about everything... I feel so guilty for making an error... and nothing is going to take that away but time and prayer... I know on the one hand I'm a good nurse... I also know that I'm on the edge of burnout and I want to avoid that... so again thoughts are welcome... I love caring for people... I just hate dealing with the crap... I so don't know what I want to do...

I do know that I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to wax my eyebrows... we're talking about a step away from the unibrow... will take care of that tomorrow... seriously folks these eyebrows have to go and I just don't have time for that tonight before work...

Did I say Lemonade? I lied...

My previous post was full of good cheer... I think it was xanax residual... or the gonal-f has finally hijacked my emotions and made me into a raving bitch...

No... no... I'm still nice to my husband and don't want to kill him... must just be idiots at that place I call a job... I had a rough night... I left dreaming that I was "Jeanie" from "I dream of Jeanie" and with a snap of my head and a flick of my ponytail poof they were gone... How come life can't be that simple... Why do I now have to find the courage to send a confrontational email because I won't see the person for about a week and a half and I'll have forgotten but let it fester kind of thing... Because folks my lemonade had salt in it rather than sugar...

I must have jinxed myself... Here are my husband's thoughts... and they do have merit...

1. You don't need this kind of stress and your coworkers do nothing but give you stress.
2. You need to find a new unit... you'd probably be 1000 times happier in a new unit just not having to deal with that bullshit.
3. You have enough on your plate with all of my family's crap - work crap is not something we need... because ya know that study that came out about stress and miscarriage... (He has to decide to start reading now... give me a break he could have picked a better time...)

Here are my thoughts...

1. A new job would mean a whole new different type of stress, meeting people (which I think I can safely say I fail miserably at)
2. A new job/new unit would mean an orientation period.
3. I'm comfortable here
4. Sometimes life is better on the other side of the street. Am I looking for the "perfect" job and not seeing that the "okay" job is just that... "Okay" no better no worse?

We'll see how tonight goes... I'm not sure how I feel about any of this... right now I just want to get through the next 3 nights... and I want to just know that all the labwork and u/s goes well tomorrow. That's about as far in advance as I can think...

Thoughts are welcome...

When Life gives you Lemons... Why not make Lemonade?

As the subject line reads... life here is more lemonade than lemons... which is good. However to get to that point has taken a long time... in perfecting the lemonade so to speak.

Right now on the trigger front is... no trigger yet. We've upped the gonal-f and will take a look around and have more bloodwork on Monday... This is a good thing. This means that D won't have to try and not feel guilty about not going to work, etc. This does mean that he'll have to call off for 2 nights, but that's a heck of a lot better than 3-4. So lemonade my friends.

Through all of this crap called recurrent pregnancy loss or as our friends at the insurance coding call it habitual aborter... I've been very lucky. Lucky in that my ectopic never actually acted like an ectopic, but unlucky in that they didn't figure it out until AFTER the d/c... Lucky in that I haven't had to have any more d/c's because truly a girl really doesn't need one - but multiples we really don't need. Lucky that I found a bunch of beautiful, intelligent women at the right time to help keep me making lemonade. I'm one of the lucky ones... I've had help making that lemonade from all sorts of wonderful individuals both in in real life and in the cyber world...

Recognizing that I'm lucky isn't easy... some days all I would like more than anything else in the world is to cover up and not let the world in... but it's not that easy - I get emails saying hey what's up... and can vent the whole ugly truth... I have friends that don't always get why I look at the "bright side" of things. Here's a glimpse of the person I used to be... I used to be bulimic and I used to have pretty severe depression - both I conquered on my own. I don't want the dark side to win - bottom line I'd be back where I was back in 1997-1998 and that girl was not making lemonade out of any lemon or lemonade mix you handed her. She was so stuck in misery that I doubt she ever seen the sun when it was at it's brightest even when outside. Everything had an ugly dreary shade on it... I got through that with the help of a few wonderful friends. Now I have many more and a husband that would not let that person ever come back out and for that I'm thankful... Sometimes you need others to fight your battles and though my husband has never seen that person I used to be... he's heard stories of her. He knows what signs to watch for... and he's the biggest helper at making lemonade. I thank God every day for him.

So may you always keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize (whatever the prize is), may you find joy in your daily life even on your darkest days and may you know that you are loved.

Thank goodness I like lemonade or we'd be in big trouble... because I think I've taken care of a truckload of lemons... only recently has the lemonade been free flowing without much effort... here's hoping Monday brings more lemonade rather than lemon's. NBHHY!

Is this a Sign?

Have I mentioned what my schedule was like the last night and a half? I had to work Wednesday night... and while work is something that is vital and necessary for me to pay the bills, it's also been a source of frustration. Things have gotten better in the last couple months... and by better I mean - I don't HATE going to work... which was what was occurring there for a while. Right now things are on an upswing which is a good thing... and I'm not hating my job... also a good thing. However my usual schedule has been screwed around with so I had to work Wednesday night... while Wednesday morning found my date with the dildo cam - seeing Larry, Moe and Curly - (yes, I know that all 3 will most likely not release - but they're still my 3 stooges so that's their names for now). Thursday morning was my HSG which we had to drive an hour to get to.

I had arranged to have someone come in early to watch my patients so that I could leave and get to the appt with time to spare. At about 3 a.m. I got a migraine... took some tylenol, and allergy meds and hoped for the best. Hubs was supposed to meet me at 0630... he left the house at that time... So my coverage showed up - no hubby... of course then things went to hell in a hand basket... one of my patients (who had been quiet all night -the perfect patient) suddenly had pain and shortness of breath... so I got wrapped into a call with a doctor and drawing labs, giving meds, etc. I left work at 0710 - took the xanax and vicodin - no relief from the migraine at 810 so I took another 1/2 of a vicodin. I thought for sure we would not make it on time and that they'd say yeah uhmmm sorry you'll have to come back another time. Hubs drove calmly and speedily - no state troopers out to shark us and we arrived at 0815. My appt was at 0830. Someone was on our side because generally things are quite backed up on the roads we traveled.

We got back to the radiology room - I had 2 gowns and a pair of pants and everyone was very very nice. We met with a OB/Gyn resident who was doing a rotation with our RE and one of the RE's nurses. I was willing to have the resident do this... I'm all about learning and I had also taken a xanax and vicodin before all this started so things were finally a little less tense and my head wasn't pounding like a hard rock drum. I was nervous - what if they find something... what if my tubes are shot... what if they're like spiral curly fries? Hubs was with me through this... sitting over to the side... Things got under way - they cleaned, numbed (why didn't my OB do that when I had the biopsy?) grabbed my cervix, inserted the catheter and things got under way... and I turned one way, then the other way... then they shot more dye through... and it was done. I had some minor cramping, but all in all my fears were totally unfounded. I don't know if it was because the vicodin and xanax or my uterus... whichever the reason I am happy that it was a lot less painful than I anticipated.

Results - they initially were concerned that my right tube was not open... however the second shot of dye showed it spilling out... my uterus is normal - even "nice shaped" and both tubes were open. So... NBHHY - as Grrl would say...

On a side note hubs had some issues - he apparently got warm, sweaty, and had a minor panic moment... he was able to suck it up and watch, but he got that nauseated feeling again during the first dye shot... and he felt bad about that. Apparently we're in sync... when he had his wisdom teeth pulled last March I had a similar thing occur... we both just are really very connected. I thought it was sweet... he took care of me the rest of the day... made sure I ate something and let me sleep in the car. We were both very relieved by the results.

On to labs tomorrow and hopefully all will be okay... if not then we'll deal with it... or trigger will be delayed a few days.... which isn't a bad thing right?

Larry, Moe, and Curly...

Larry is measuring 9.5 on the right, Moe is measuring 9 on the right, and Curly is chugging the gonal-F like it's a beer bong and is at 12.5... My estrogen came back at 74 a little low... so we're rechecking on Friday. My HSG is scheduled for... 8:30 a.m. tomorrow... so it'll be a mad dash from work to GR... should be interesting. Hubby is driving... which means we could be late.

Right now projected trigger is on Saturday... I'm kind of hoping to sqeak out to Sunday... but that's just because it would be more convenient for our lives which means it is not going to happen.

Fear is something I try not to let rule my life... however I'll admit to nerves... I started doing a mini panic attack when she found Larry, then Moe... I got a bit better when she only found Curly on the other side. This is real... this could happen and if they keep telling me quality not quantity then I may shoot myself... What do I do if this does really happen... meaning we get a positive pregnancy test (not just the left over HCG from the trigger). How do I keep it together and not fret that it's ectopic or going to miscarry or it's triplets in the time between finding out and having an u/s? I don't know. Saying I haven't thought that far in advance would be a lie. Saying I'm trying to go with the flow about all this would be the truth. As most who know me know going with the flow is not something I do easily... in fact it's damn hard for me to do. Having faith that this will all work out in the end is taxing me... it's something I don't feel confident about... but hope I will in the future.

Until then... I'm praying that things go alright tomorrow and that by some miracle sperm meets egg and creates a beautiful baby... and that everything works out.

I wish that for each and every one of you that reads this blog... that we all get our happy ending and that it doesn't take us to the depths of depression or anger to get there. That we end up on the other side... looking back and going wow that was really a bumpy ride... but it was worth it in the end. That's truthfully all we can ask for isn't it? That it was worth it?

Day before our date with the dildo cam...

How many days since Sam has shaved? I think 6... starting to look slightly scary over here. Will take care of that before date with dildo cam and of course before date with catheter shoved up cervix with irradiation of my private parts... It is on my list. Therefor I wll take care of it. I promise. A girl wouldn't dream of going into those two places without shaving or would she? Not this girl.

So... we're shooting up between 6 and 8 pm... and we've disclosed to the in laws.

Want to hear how that went? Interesting... very interesting... my fil was uncomfortable... my mil didn't say much. Between the three topics I don't think she said more than a couple sentences. I'll give a play by play.

All 4 of us sitting on various furniture... olympics is on... I attempt to get hubby to start this particular conversation - where he says "It's your baby." Gee thanks... wish I had a frying pan to hit you upside the head with. So... I drop the conversation starter of... We have some things we'd like to talk to you guys about... 3 things in particular... SILENCE... total silence...

I blinked - looked at them and said do you guys have no idea what we might want to talk about? Finally FIL says... N... and I look at him and go yes that is one of them... we'll start there. So on to the conversation about the pedophile in the family and our response to the fact that no one seems to get that what he did was WRONG! It led to me saying some pretty graphic things... Not so much fun... and they still don't completely get it... they truly are believing the story that was put out... rather than thinking hey that story isn't even remotely plausible... maybe he's lying. DUH!!!!

Second subject went even worse... Convincing my mil and fil that mil's brother is a greedy selfish bastard went over not so well... they think he's suing to "get information from the state" yeah uhmmm no he's suing to get money from the ESTATE not the state... and we're on our cousin's side... get with the program... Our solution at this point is avoid family functions - we already know we're going to be talked badly about... no birthday parties for us (Can we all jump for joy as I seriously hate the birthday crap as does hubby!) Any other familiy function such as holiday's we'll spend a very limited amount of time there... and by limited I mean an hour max... eat and run and that's about it for us.

Third subject - infertility and adoption... boy that one was a barrel of laughs... NOT! It started with me disclosing three miscarriages since the first one and that we hadn't told them about. I was very matter of fact... didn't cry and did get all pissed off when my fil after I mentioned adoption said "You know how I feel about adopting from the Asian countries." My response of "It's not about you and we don't care." Went over so well... bottom line if we choose adoption we'll choose the country that will give us a child quickest. We may even do domestic - doubtful as I'd be too worried the birth mom would come and take the child back... these are our fears whether they be founded or not... it's a worry and concern we have. So then it came to the fertility drugs and explaining those was like pulling teeth without anesthetic... FIL wanted to offer advice on how to get pregnant... I had to point out that we had that fully under control... and that his son was doing a marvelous job in that arena... was unable to get them to not think we would have quintuplets... and explaining selective reduction was just very frustrating...

All in all I had to have a dairy queen ice cream cone on the drive home... because I know that they were probably talking about me... saying "Wow he really married a bitch." Fortunately hubby loves the bitch that I am.

On the abdomen front... have had weird not quite pain not quite pleasant feelings... assume ovaries are doing there thing getting big and fat and hopefully have 2-3 follicles hanging around... ahhh a girl can dream!

On my way?

Are we finally moving forward? The answer to this question is yes. My period showed up on Wednesday - which was good. I had my screening ultrasound on Friday and will have an HSG done on 2/22. So things are underway. I've been taking 75 of gonal-f each night and will report for another date with the dildo cam on 2/21.

My first date with the dildo cam was pretty uneventful. The nurse was very nice... and very quick. I am pretty sure that's a good thing... couple things I noticed... the room was warm... I didn't have to freeze my ass off. They gave me a real live fabric sheet rather than a paper towel. The stirrups had footies... and the lube was warm. I of course had been out and about and in the wilds of Michigan dealing with snow/ice storms so had not shaved my legs... felt a little bad about that... but still haven't shaved them. Will attempt to get that out of the way before I go back for my date. I'm hoping that this follicle scan shows... a couple meaning 2 max of 3 growing little monsters...

I'm also terrified that the HSG will show I have a 90 degree bend in my fallopian tubes and that they are the cause of my multiple miscarriages and of course the ectopic that we didn't find out about until after the d/c. I am of course trying to stay positive in spite of all this, but am also wishing that my xanax script wasn't for 2 measly pills, but really a whole bottle full because god I have never had my mind race quite so much about all the possibilities... and truly I'd like to shut down for a bit. Not worry about things, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.

Oh and tonight - I get to sit down with my in laws... this time for real. We're going to get them to talk about the family issues that are there but everyone is ignoring... and at the end if all goes well we may disclose our secret life... you know the one where we've been having the multiple miscarriages... yeah that one. This of course coincides with the birth of a little girl by the cousin's wife that is a chain smoking idiot... wonder why the kid at almost full term was 5 lbs 3 oz... can we all say growth retardation? Yep these are always the people who can reproduce without a problem... got to love them... or NOT!

No Bouncing??? Seriously???

So a multitude of things are running through my head...

First thought is... boy would I like to be a fly on the wall when hubs tells his parents his thoughts about certain SOB members of his family... It should be interesting... he may also drop the bomb about our struggles... I told him it's better to give them the shock all at once rather than spreading it out... don't know if he'll do it or not- by the way I am so glad that his parents are not like these other individuals... again KNOBS...

Second... Did I mention our injectable class? It was quite comical... it was 2 couples... me and hubs and a middle eastern couple... they were definitely not of the medical profession and the husband was trying to figure out the pen... it was quite funny... The nurse also stressed the importance of "NO BOUNCING" once you start the injectables... because ya know I just bounce so much... the whole risk of ovarian torsion... my question is how many women had ovarian torsion from bouncing? I thought those buggers were fairly stable in there not really freely moveable... of course I am not a reproductive nurse... just your garden variety critical care nurse and I can't quite picture in my head my ovaries and me bouncing along and then decided to turn on ones self... however we will follow the rule on NO BOUNCING... Hubs of course came up with... so that means you on top is out? They are SO taking the fun out of this! He also just about flipped a lid when he read... Increased risk for ectopic pregnancy... thanks but no we've done that once and maybe more times seriously we don't need to try that again. It was not fun for me or for her. We only do pleasant things multiple times.

Third... Work is well work... there's a position in ER open - do I really want ER? Do I really want to attempt to interview, etc right now when all is up in the air? Not sure to say the least. I know I need to do something different, I just feel so stagnant... it's awful. Suggestions - know anyone that needs a great private duty critical care nurse? That pays like awesome wages for part time?

Well off to bed for me so I can go back tonight and do it all over again... i love my job... I love my job... I love my job... seriously it's great can't you tell :D

Rambling Thoughts...

Wow I have so very many thoughts running through my head...

First up I picked up my injectables and am now terrified and anxious to start. I want so badly for things to work out... for us to have that happy ending that we just seem to keep missing by an inch... I want this for me and for my husband... it's sad that he's becoming as cynical about all this as I am...

Second... well we're waiting... for my period to show up... lets just say that this is a long wait for me... I know it hasn't even been a month, but seriously we've got a plan... we need to start moving forward with the plan... kwim?

Third... I am not going to get the daughter in law of the year award. At least not after this coming weekend... when my husband tells his family that he can't be around a couple members of the family because they are jackass knobs who are heartless assholes. Yes, this is how I truly feel... who sues their own son's estate? Taking money away from their grandkids? These heartless SOB's that is who. So we've chosen sides and it's not with hubs family. He's also planning on mentioning the can't be around another member and why as well as maybe interject the info about us having our recurrent pregnancy loss... not sure how he's going to play that one... we'll see. He's on his own... it'll be interesting that's for sure, but that's about all I know.

Fourth - uhmm yeah I don't know what I want to do with my life... I know I'm not happy doing exactly what I am doing, but I don't know what else I want to do... I've always looked at my job as my job... and while I enjoy it... I don't enjoy the politics and crap it's just tiring and irritating and well just too too much... So I'm thinking... dreaming, fantasizing, etc...

Yep a pretty boring post but that's what is going on here so far.

I Had Hoped...

I had hoped to be happily pregnant by now... Now being the due date of our first pregnancy that ended in D&C/ectopic/methotrexate hell. The sad part is if I were to pee on a stick right now it'd still come up as positive... We - meaning Dan and I had talked about how we would handle having a baby in the winter what with winter being so topsy turvy... right now there's no snow... so our child would have been born during a very very weird winter. But twas not meant to be. We talked about it today... and we're okay... we know that in God's time we'll have a baby. We know we're frustrated, scared, anxious, and a bit terrified at the thought of injectables... and the cost that it will be. I'm terrified of the hsg... what if they find that I have tubes that have a big giant 90 degree angle to them? What will they do then? No answers... I don't know that we can do IVF right now... I just don't know that I'm willing or able to go that far right now.

I wish that infertility and treatment and diagnosis of infertility were covered by my insurance... I wish that no one ever had to go through this. I wish that I wasn't jealous of women who are so carefree and laid back about pregnancy, fertility, etc... I wish I didn't see red whenever I see a pregnant woman smoking... I wish I was naive' again... I miss the innocence of thinking that a pregnancy ends with a baby. I wish I didn't need the assistance of an RE, but am so very thankful that I have a nice one that I like and feel comfortable with.

Bottom line I wish things were different...

So this is how a crappy week ends... with a due date that is not yet passed... no baby for me, and fortunately the love of a very strong man who truly loves me just the way I am and truly hates that we have to go through this. I may have had to remind him that today was our due date... but I don't believe I told him what our due date even was... so he's forgiven... this time.

Excuse me while I go cuddle with him now.

Level alert decreased to Yellow...

Lets see at the beginning of our last discussion the level alert was orange... Monday I had repeat bloodwork including the whole methotrexate panel... the results came in at a beta hcg 19. So down from 44 on Thursday can we all jump up and down and scream and be happy.

Today I received the news that fortunately I do not have any weird thrombophilias or immunity disorders. This is good news. The other good news was my platelet count was higher than anticipated. Considering the bruising I've got going on that's impressive.

I have a couple of other wrap up kind of things... First prayers are needed that my best friend's surgery to remove a polyp goes well. She had it done today and I haven't heard word yet. She's been trying for about 16 months (I'm not positive about the time frame, but hopefully this fixes things and makes her ute a bit more hospitable and gives her and her husband answers.

Second have you ever felt if you didn't have bad luck you would have no luck at all. On top of all the crap that went on Friday which was pretty awful, we also found out that hubby didn't move on to the next step for a job he was trying for, and then today I found out who got the flight nurse position. Not to be mean, but I'm way more experienced than her... and well I wouldn't let her touch one of my family or friends. This really pissed me off. Bottom line it's unacceptable... but not a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm adrift. I don't know where I want to go next. Right now all I can focus on is getting pregnant and since that's been going SO well that I just don't know what I want to do next. I know that this feeling too will pass, but boy I'm not depressed, just so very frustrated beyond belief.

I have my annual tomorrow... while there I'm going to ask for a mini script of xanax... I figure that that way when I have the hsg at the very least I won't care so much and hell maybe it'll improve my sleeping.

Level Alert Raised... to orange?

Lets see first off we may have a plan...

Our meeting with the RE was good. I say good because great would be a bit much, but good would be a little low. He's a) semi cute - makes me a tad uncomfortable that he'll be looking at my nether regions with the dildo cam... b) didn't make me take my clothes off for this appt, c) is letting me STOP charting d) is up to date on most of the recurrent pregnancy loss research and e) has a wicked sense of humor. So that's good.

Our plan consisted of bloodwork... including a repeat beta HCG to see what my levels were now as well as Factor V Leiden work up and a couple other thrombophilia tests... an HSG once I start a new cycle... and drumroll please no more clomid but FSH and a HCG trigger. Which we think may be covered by hubs insurance... can we all say YIPPEE... So that is where we stand right now at this particular moment.

However seeing as things can't ever go smoothly for me... we received a phone call with the beta results. First the poor NP apparently hadn't read my full chart - and was all happy when she said she had news. My response my beta was positive and how high was it? 44... yep 44 up from 41 - 9 days ago... so ladies while I'm still bleeding apparently this is just that irritating old bleeding rather than the get the show on the road get the hell out of dodge bleeding. She was properly horrified that she wasn't aware of that news... she called me back a while ago and let me know that I'm to have more bloodwork on Monday and do the methotrexate/ectopic panel as well as a repeat beta... so pray that things get moving on out or I'm going to have to get the shot of battery acid in my ass that I really didn't love last time but will do again in a heartbeat to get this show on the road so we can MOVE on.

Oh and to add insult to injury... I got a call from the place I interviewed... and they accepted another candidate. I'm fine with that, just wish the timing would have been better... ya know what I mean. I only have 4 years experience while other candidates have much longer times... that's understandable.. my resume will stay on file which is good and I'll keep working towards getting some instructor courses out of the way.

Okay that's it from me! Working all weekend so will try to update as I can!

A New Way of Life?

I don't know if I've told anyone online this or not... but I'm a bit overweight. I've done weight watchers in the past with good results... and I'm gearing up to start it again. I ordered the at home kit - since I can't find mine to save my life. I imagine that when we get back to our house it will be there waiting for me to start it. My husband is also doing a change of life kind of thing - though his is on a rocky start since he's having great difficulty with portion control. I've plateau'd. I've been the same weight give or take 3 lbs for the last year and a half. I'd like to get down to that skinny girl I know is hiding inside of me. I'm sure the RE would love for me to lose a touch of weight. I figure at this point I need to at the very least just eat healthier than I have been and to take control of my life and increase my physical activity.

Now to find the motivation to do it. Fortunately I have a number of coworkers that are also doing weight watchers so I can use them for support... and fortunately I will try to keep track of my weight loss... maybe if I feel better about things.

Tomorrow we are going to meet one of my husband's friends that normally lives out of state... she's up visiting briefly. He told her about our pregnancy... I don't know if he's told her about our miscarriage. So it should be an interesting afternoon out... I don't know whether to look forward or to cringe in the background. Wish me luck... I don't know that I can handle well meaning advice - such as "Just relax." or "It just wasn't meant to be." Gee ya think... I hope she doesn't turn out to be an assvice giver because seriously I'm not sure that I am emotionally up to that... and this is my husband's best friend... Wish me luck!

How did you spend your weekend?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I work nights... so does my husband. So we try to stay on a relatively night schedule even when I'm off. Sometimes this works... sometimes it doesn't. This stretch off it's worked - mainly because I've been sick. Sick as in my sinuses are just LOVING what the weather is doing - the pressure in my head and the snot poring out really are great. But I digress.

So how did I spend my weekend... well besides sleeping... I've been surfing the internet. I've found a specialist that if the new doctor doesn't know what the heck to do someone else will so that's my hold back card. I've found a bunch of blogs that are wonderful women who have suffered tremendous losses... and they each gave me hope in a weird way. They reminded me of why I keep carrying on. Some are moving forward and having their babies soon... others are still struggling just like me. But ultimately they are continuing to carry on and that takes courage... that takes guts. I'm so glad that I found them because I sometimes feel lost in this sea of blogs...

I feel like a broken record... to my husband, to my online friends... I feel like the little boy who cried wolf... I've cried "I'm pregnant" 4 times in the last 10 months... and I've had to say "but wait - don't get excited things just don't feel quite right." Then maybe a week or 3 days later I have to make an announcement... "Things don't look good." "The numbers didn't do what they were supposed to." or my least favorite... "I'm bleeding." I miss my innocence. I miss my excitement that I had way back at the end of May... I miss my husband looking at me and saying "We're going to be parents." and me believing him.

I hope that I can move past this broken record to a new one... to a new song... and maybe just maybe hope can come back to our lives and stay.

I Chickened Out...

Yep, you read it... I chickened out. We - meaning both husband and I attempted to talk to his parents about our fertility issues, but then we looked at one another and decided not tonight. On our way over to his parents house we were having a pretty lively discussion about our coping mechanisms. My husband finally let humor do his talking. "You think you have issues... we've had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic in the last 9 months - if that isn't enough to make you drink heavily, see a shrink, or take antidepressants I don't know what is." " You think you've got problems, I've watched my wife come out of surgery looking like death warmed over and then had to tell her that her fear of being f'd up was right on target." I of course am laughing my ass off as he's going through a schpeel... He doesn't use humor very often to cope, to see him actually get his feelings out about all of this was good. It was good for both of us. We love each other and he felt so awful about not being there when I got the bad news last Sunday. I know if he could trade spaces with me he would... if he could make this all easier he would. He'd agree to donor sperm, donor egg, donor whatever if it meant that we would have a child... because that's the kind of guy he is.

However we're not saints... And I have a confession to make... We both have some pretty awful thoughts about one member of his family that is currently pregnant... she has smoked throughout the entire pregnancy, come up with various ailments to get pain medication throughout this pregnancy and the last one, and well she's just awful. I also have to admit I'm jealous. I have the awful green eyed monster because she has done everything wrong - yet at the end of 9 months she'll have a baby... granted that child will probably have lifelong learning disabilities, low birthweight, and need counseling for the rest of it's life, but it's a real live baby... and I can't get to that point. It also doesn't help that my mil announced this woman's pregnancy to me the same day we were discussing our recent loss... I don't think I've ever felt more like I needed a drink than that day when I heard the news. We left fairly early because my husband knew just how deeply this hurt... but it did and a part of me is still angry with her for telling me... it could have waited a few weeks... We didn't need to know right then. We were hurting and my fil was the only person that asked how we were doing... and if I was alright. Now you know why I am a staunch supporter of my fil... he was uncomfortable asking that question, but he acted as if he cared. For that I am thankful.

My dad was the only one that knew of my first miscarriage... him and my boyfriend at that time... and I think maybe a friend knew... but no one else. He helped me through that. Granted he said that it was probably for the best... which I didn't need or want to hear at the time. He kept my secret - never telling my mom. I told my mom a few years ago. She was hurt that I hadn't told her. Now she's the only one I can tell... my dad isn't here to tell and even though he's with me in spirit it just isn't the same. Telling my mom my thoughts just doesn't work out the way it did with my dad. I just don't know that we're ready to take the step to let my husband's parents in on our secrets... maybe after meeting with the RE we'll be able to talk with them about it... but truthfully I don't know that they want to know and I don't know that my husband really wants them to know. Because right now as things stand we know I have a problem... but we don't know that he has a problem... he doesn't want them to know who's got the issue. He'd rather it be a united front... that our problems are ours together... rather than 1 persons issue. I'm fine with them knowing I provide early checkout... i don't know that he is.

So 5 days and we meet with the RE... wonder if the good doctor (need to come up with a great name for this guy) will have a plan or be stumped... I hate stumping doctors... however I have looked at the University of Chicago as they have a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic... will contact them if this continues to happen. I hate repeating things over and over and over again...

Coming out of the closet... or NOT?

So we kind of came out to my mom about our difficulties. You have to know my mom to understand how this went. Even though my mom had multiple miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy she is pretty simple and uninformed about the options out there. She told me to just relax once... she's talking about adopting twins from an illegal immigrant she knows... things like that. I know she means well. I also know I have to remind her about the unhelpfullness of these things frequently. So I came out sort of. I told her we had had another loss and that we were going to a specialist. My mom said that we shouldn't be trying so hard. Yes, I hit myself in the forehead and looked at her and said... that wasn't very helpful mom... and truthfully it hasn't taken us much effort to become pregnant in the first place. In all seriousness I needed to let her know what was going on.

Now... here's the real question... do we let Hubs parents in on this or not? I've joked about telling them... My best way of coping is morbid humor. Seriously I find it hillarious. My husband not always... he thinks I'm going to give his dad a heart attack. I want them to know so that I don't feel as if we're keeping this HUGE secret from them. On the other hand I don't want to be asked about it either.

On a weird note I got floated to another floor the other night at work and a 94 year old man asked me if I was a mom. I told him to 3 lovely dogs. He chuckled then told me I would be a fantastic mom. I said from your lips to God's ears and that it would happen in God's time. He smiled, patted my hand and said I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I told him that I appreciated that. Weird the conversations you get into with patients that are actually alert. Shocking even.

So who knows what I'll do this afternoon at dinner with the in laws... depends on my mood...

Crappy news

I know I've been quiet. Quiet because I had nothing positive to say. The run down is this...

Saturday the pink cm turned to red - spotting. Sunday it turned to a trickle... I called the on call doctor and had to go to the ER for a rhogam shot and a repeat beta. My repeat beta was 70... so a doubling time of 176.37 hours... I was planning on stopping the progesterone at that point because seriously this is not a healthy pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to continue. I did until I got the results of the beta yesterday. After much arguing with the lab I was able to get the results 41.

So hopefully it continues to go down. I'm sad, but hopeful. Hopeful because I did not cancel the appointment with the RE. On January 26th we will be meeting with an RE. Hopefully he will have a plan. I so pray that he will be our answer. On a down note... my insurance stinks in regards to fertility treatment - it does not cover fertility treatment. It covers the diagnosis but it doesn't cover treatment... it covers medicine but no procedures. Can we all say ARGGGGHHHH and shake our fists at them? Seriously come on - it made me feel better.

On a weird freakish coincidence/deja vu repeat of June I received a call from a flight program for an interview as a flight nurse. This is a very big long shot, but if you don't try you can't fail right? So keep your fingers crossed that Dr. New and expensive has a plan and that the flight program liked me lots so I can hopefully quit my job and start something I know I would LOVE!!!

A girl can dream... I made it to 4 weeks 6 days... that's a step right? Now I just have to get through 2 more interviews and maybe the next step will be hubs getting a job over here... boy have I been dreaming or what? These are my wishes for the moment...

Hmmm

Well the results are in... and the repeat beta at 46 hours... was 48... up from 24... so perfect doubling...

The progesterone results were a little low...

Both of these things are not concerning to my doctor or doctor's office... they have scheduled an u/s on 1/26... I am terrified. How am I supposed to go 2 weeks without a beta. I'd rather know if things were going belly up in Vegas before the 26th rather than find out at the u/s. We're trying not to let hope creep in. I know that sounds awful, but with our history we can't take the chance.

My husband emailed a friend of his... and told her what's going on. I never realized quite how much it affects him until I read that email... it bothers him a lot... he doesn't let on... he's just tired of the teasers. He's tired of worrying that he'll have to take me to the hospital again for a procedure and I'll look so sick again... I can't say I blame him. I know the feeling... I'd really rather not have to go through that again myself. I keep telling myself that all of this will be worth it in the end. I so pray this is a viable pregnancy... I'm so scared of the what if's...

My work is now monitoring internet usage... I've been counseled... and truthfully at the time when i was surfing a bunch - work was done, I was in the grips of coping and keeping my chin up while truthfully not liking my coworkers all that much... the only thing that kept me sane was the internet. I felt better, was able to smile... was able to realize that while ectopics, chemical pregnancies suck... there are people out there that are able to help... I told this to my manager. I'm pretty sure she doesn't get all of this... that's okay some days I don't.

Thank god for the internet! There's always someone who understands or comes pretty darn close to doing so...

The results are in...

At 15-16 dpo... my beta is 24... so again no jumping up and down, or celebrations please as this is way low and way to fragile... will feel better if on Wednesday the number doubles... so continue saying prayers and any mantra you can think of... preferably NBHHY - nothing bad has happened yet... which is the mantra of a couple of infertile bloggers - I believe Grrrl was the first to utter those words...

Teaser...

A teaser... is what we (meaning hubby and I) fondly refer to as a positive pregnancy test after or during spotting/period. A teaser fucks with you... makes you get all hopeful only to drop you to the ground... I've never had one go the other way so if this does occur this will be a first for me. This is where we are at right now. Now granted this is the first time I've had spotting that hasn't gone into a full force period yet. Key word of all this is yet. I have some brown creamy cm to occasionally pink creamy cm... either way not something that makes either of us happy at the moment.

I also have a bunch of positive pregnancy tests. Now if we were innocent and not been through this rundown before we might be jumping for joy - high fiving each other saying YEAH We're going to be parents... however this being the 4th time I've told him we've got a positive... my husband and myself are right down at the bottom of the barrel going is this another teaser? Because this certainly feels like a teaser - glancing at one another. My husband is even more pessimistic about this than I am... he was hopeful and told me that I was being silly being pessimistic then the spotting started... now he's right above morbid curiosity which is where I am at as well.

You know what kind of curiosity I'm talking about... the kind that makes you look at train wrecks or tragedy on the TV even though you know it ends badly or isn't pretty etc... that's where we're at right now. I have a lab slip for a beta and a progesterone... I was supposed to do this Saturday (yeah uhmm NO) and am debating about doing this today... my guess my beta will be 20 if I go today... I could of course be wrong. 20 at 16 dpo is pretty awful... but I had 17 at 17 dpo so that's pretty awful as well... who knows this could be the little beta that could...

I pray I'm wrong. I pray I'm not going to get teased. I'm tired of being teased. I know that God has a plan for me and Dan... I'd just really like him to let me know what it is sooner rather than later. So if you are of a praying nature... please send up a prayer that the beta is fantabulous rather than shitty. I could use a fantabulous day rather than a crappy one... Will update once I get the results...

Spotting...

As the title goes... this is what has occurred... which sucks... I'm supposed to not test until Sunday... have a beta on Monday... I fear full af on Monday at least that's my guess... I'm 13 dpo one would think I would get a hugely positive test on Sunday... not me. I feel it's going to be a big ole negative...

I'm not sure what I want to do... a part of me says do another round of clomid... the other part of me says just do nothing... will decide when the time comes. Going to curl up under the covers... thank god I don't have to work till Wednesday.

Is it or isn't it?

So right now I am 11 dpo. I'm not temping this cycle as well that just generally puts me more on edge... and with the progesterone I'm going to have elevated levels... however I have started christening the pee sticks...

Internet cheapies - negative... or is that a faint line... or is that an evap?
FRER - Negative... that piece of crap hasn't given me an early positive EVER...
Equate - negative...
EPT - my loyal and faithful friend... maybe a + sign... however it is the faintest + sign to see it you need the light of a thousand suns... SO this has of course made me want to know what my beta could be if I actually went and had one done... however betabase is not working for me... or at least every freaking computer I've tried at work and at home has not managed to get that info for me.

Seeing as I want something darker, more vibrant, more encouraging I'm holding off on the beta... have emailed the doc to let him know that I want a beta... but have not started hoping, dreaming, etc. I've got too much of a history of false alarms to get excited... I hope I'm wrong... I hope there is truly something to get excited for as that would be simply wonderful.

My Hopes for the New Year... as I sit in the 2ww...

Happy New Year!

I'm going to make a list of things - hopes/desires/aspirations for the new year... things I'm going to try and accomplish... make it my annual review...

1. To get knocked up and stay knocked up...
2. To lose 15 lbs... 20-30 would be great but we'll start small...
3. To continue to grow in my marriage. I love this wonderful man and can't imagine my life without him. He's my rock.
4. For Hubs to get a job near me so we can finally live together like normal couples...
5. To get a PICU position and get out of the den of negativity that I work in now...
6. To save money.
7. To be on time with all my bills.
8. To be more compassionate.
9. To exercise more
10. To enjoy spending time with my family and hubs family more.

So that's a start lets see how I do on these...

I also hope that that little Angel/Devil called Hope fills your life with the real deal... that you carry on, love your significant other, and that you get your babies now... and that they and you carpe' diem...

A Summary of 2005 - my life

Lets see...

January - Nagging contractors to move into our new home...
February - 1st to be exact- moving into our new home... actually hubs moving us into our new home... in laws finding a sex book... Can only imagine what they think... Going off birth control, quitting caffeine. Only a few more weeks and we'll be ttc.
March - off birth control and starting to try. BFN. Anniversary of Dad's death.
April - Fertility monitor - BFN... start of a new cycle... Fertility monitor, Fertility friend, BBT, charting... Hub's aunt and uncle- pregnant... and good cousin and wife - pregnant...
May - continues the cycle. Hubs bday - what I thought was a period, family and friends visiting, temps still up wtf? Take a hpt and hmmm that looks positive. Beta of 245 bleeding stops.
June - Beta of 535... bleeding starts back up. Repeat beta 248. Rhogam... Doctor saying - looks like things have passed... repeat beta - 271... D/C scheduled day before my birthday... wake up to nope it was ectopic... Methotrexate... this sucks.
July - on hiatus... told my mom and in laws of what occurred and how scared this made us... Hubs idiot cousin's wife announces she's pregnant (the chain smoking fiend)
August - Fertility monitor, BBT, make hubs take a day off to procreate - make into stud muffin. BFN...
September - 1 year anniversary... FM, BBT, bleeding... + with a beta of 17 then 20... then 14... Fucking chemicals on our anniversary? Hubs good cousin is killed in a tragic accident... Hubs idiot cousin arrested.
October - Doctors visit - endo biopsy next cycle... Hub's aunt has baby boy - Preston
November - Endo biopsy... 3 days later bleeding... Diagnosis - Luteal phase defect... also a Beta of 7! Fucking chemicals... start clomid... ovulate on cd 20... progesterone started... Good cousin's wife has Baby Girl Riley...
December - BFN... Clomid again... switch around to cd 3-7 for it though... O early on CD 14 (Christmas eve or there abouts...) Idiot cousin in jail... Christmas - a kitchen aid mixer... DVD's I don't like... and waiting patiently for a positive...

This would be my synopsis of my life thus far this past year... boy I hope the year 2006 has much more positive things...

Doe a deer a female deer...

So the real question is was it a doe or a buck that I hit on my way to work Tuesday night? Truthfully I have no clue. I think I stunned the damn thing which put a dent in my passenger front door. Fortunately I only have a 100 dollar deductible which is good and fortunately we decided that we would trade my vehicle in and get a new one once we got to the dealership. Dan is thrilled because he picked the color - Silver... can we all go "Yawn..." Seriously black was the other option - totally should have picked black, but we have a sunroof... I love sunroofs...

So our new vehicle is basically just a newer version of our old vehicle... a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe... upgraded from a 2002 Hyundai Santa Fe. The purchase of the first Santa Fe was done after I wrecked my 1996 Mercury Tracer - that had a sunroof! My dad and I shopped around and after test driving, researching on consumer reports we chose the Santa Fe. We were both thrilled. So saying goodbye to my old car was very bittersweet. Especially since Dad's name is still on the old vehicle and that meant dragging out the old death certificate. I know my dad isn't connected to my car... even though he did put a dent in it... but as the months pass I feel him slipping away a bit. I think of him daily - love seeing pictures of him, love remembering him, but other's don't necessarily feel that way. My mom feels she has to erect this shrine at his grave. I don't. He's in my heart. I don't need to visit a grave where the shell of his body is kept. She doesn't totally get that because she feels closer to him when she's there.

This holiday season is always rough for my mom. This year has been no different. Usually we hear a rant about what my dad would have done or should have done that he didn't do. (Sad part of this is this is no different than if he was alive) and then at some point Mom will cry about Dad. She misses him - even though she tries to act tough she misses him just as much as I do... probably more. Christmas my mom will be visiting my jack ass of a brother... and also my husband will be spending time with her. I have to work. So I will be driving 3 hours to go to work... work 12 hours... then drive 3 hours back. May not make a lot of sense, but it's what I'm going to have to do. I'd rather spend it with my mom. I'm not lamenting the fact I don't get to spend Christmas with my in laws... as truthfully I hate going to the "garage" for the family functions at Grandma's... it's a tradition I could do without... just my thoughts of course.

So... that's my news... another car bites the dust due to a deer... and we're currently on cd 13... which means I've got the weird ovulatory pain from the clomid and probably will ovulate sometime next week... I'm having a terrible time temping right now and to be honest I have no idea why. Thank god for a clear blue fertility monitor as otherwise I'd have no clue.

My dog... the Coach lover apparently...

I just discovered something... something awful. Something very expensive to replace... Lola our 9-10 month old mini dachshund just chewed part of my Coach purse... Damn dog... I love her, but this rates right up there with Ernie chewing the cord for the laptop and the multiple pairs of pants that Chance chewed the crotch out of...

Dogs... what are you going to do with them? Apparently still love them and care about them while saying "Bad dog" to them.

She spit it out when she looked at me which would have been hillarious if it was someone else's purse!!!! Fortunately my humor has returned - it got lost on Sunday with the whole misadventure and missing of the TSO concert... So now I am scouring ebay in the hopes of finding a deal a Coach for Christmas... just a simple black station bag... love that purse... damnit...

Love the dog too... Lola's priceless... the purse isn't...

At least I have my priorities straight!

Cue the laughter... and hand me some Kleenex...

Have I told anyone about my absolute love of the Trans Siberian Orchestra? Well if you haven't listened to them then you need to. For the last 4 years I have gone to a concert during the Christmas season and seriously even when in the pissiest of moods it has turned my frown to a smile - reminded me why I'm a total pollyanna and why I think that ultimately there are good people in the world. This year the concert was on Sunday. My husband arranged to have the night off from work - after going to his awful Christmas party I seriously needed this concert. So Tuesday around noon found us driving across the state with our 3 dogs back to our house, where he asked... What time is the concert? My response 8 pm I think. I grabbed the tickets out and our tickets said... 2:30 pm. I had bought tickets to the matinee concert rather than the night's performance. This wouldn't have been a big deal if we had realized this at 8 a.m. rather than at noon and weren't 2 hours away from the arena with 3 dogs in the car. I started crying, threw my sunglasses and started mentally beating myself up.

Now... I know I could have spent an extra 90 dollars to go to this concert, and if the tears would have really flowed once we got home - I'm pretty sure Dan would have made the call and gotten us front row tickets. However my own guilt about being the cause of missing the concert, combined with my period showing up really just sent me into a tail spin. I would have had instant gratification by seeing the concert, but horrible guilt over making that big a dent in our checkbook... Yes we could afford it, but there are other things we need more then spending 90 bucks on concert tickets when I had already spent that money on them in the first place. So we didn't go. I spent the night curled up in the fetal position with a puppy dog on all sides of me and the blanket pulled up over my head. (This is how I cope when depressed!) Dan didn't know what to do to make it better and to him (aka Mr. Tightwad) spending the extra 90 dollars was not ever an option.

So today found me going to my customer service class... Which was 3 hours of my life that I will never get back... And I learned the 3 A's... Acknowledge, Apologize, Amend... And never use these two words... "Can't" and "policy" if someone wants to smoke - which is against policy for patient's to leave to go smoke... We need to say... "We are very concerned for your safety and if you leave unsupervised bad things could happen and we don't want that." Whatever...

I also emailed my doctor for my new clomid script... I am thinking of taking it on days 3-7 so this will all start tomorrow... The nurse asked me to mail a copy of my chart to them... I started laughing hearing the message... He didn't even want to look at them a couple months ago when I brought them in concerned about a luteal phase defect, but now when he doesn't even tell me that I should chart he wants to look at it... So I'm emailing the website that has all my charts and telling him to have at 7 cycles of charts...

And here's 2 icing on the cake tidbits... First - one of my bf called crying - she wants to leave her husband and wanted me to come up with 1 good reason for her to stay with him... I admit I couldn't do it... He treats her like a slave - she works 80-90 hours a week asks him to clean the house and the house is trashed... He can't make it in on time to work... He just can't seem to grow up. I told her she would have to look hard at herself, their relationship and talk with him... I know total cop out... But I can't tell her what to do all I can do is support her in whatever she decides.

The second tidbit is that in a previous post a couple months ago I mentioned Dan's cousin who had been charged with csc... the jury is finally in and he's getting a year in jail. I am ecstatic about this as we (meaning both Dan and I) were fearful that he would just get probation. I think that Dan's family is of course going to take this news hard, but for the child this occurred to I am so very thankful that he received punishment as her innocence will never be given back and I'd like him to pay for the rest of his life for that. This also pushes back the timeline of when we have to tell the in laws that we can't be around him at all - ever, under no circumstances as they haven't quite gotten to that point yet...

So that's the scoop from here...

Unhelpful advice...

The one thing on this earth I thought I could count on was my mom's thoughts on this whole infertility thing. I was SOOOO wrong... yesterday after I peed on the holy hpt and came up big fat negative... I hid my hpt in my suitcase and came out of the bedroom. Somehow or other things turned to the topic of trying to have a baby and my mom said the 2 words no infertile ever wants to hear. "Just relax." I blew a gasket... I said "Mom that is terribly unhelpful - do you want to know what just relaxing got us... it got us an ectopic and 2 miscarriages... so just relaxing is not going to work. We've moved on from just relaxing to lets use modern science to knock us the hell up. So you have just said the most hurtful thing you could have possibly said to me. Just relax." My husband after this little diatribe came into the bedroom I had come back to and thrown the covers over my head and said... "You know she loves you right?" I said YES I KNOW THAT... but she needs to understand that that comment is not appropriate. He of course hugs me and says I know that - she doesn't totally understand it.

So tonight while baking cookies... I explained it to her. I explained why this was not helpful... I also explained that as long as I can laugh through my tears I'm okay. I'm not obsessed by this... (okay maybe a touch) but I'm able to look past this and see a bright side... there are bright sides to everything... I will live through this even though truthfully it doesn't feel like I will... and my puppy dogs and husband will live through this though all 4 of them have gotten on my last nerve lately... we're a team - granted a screwed up team... and we can count on one another...

So never tell someone to "Just relax." Cause next time... I'm probably going to have to throw something... and I've got a pretty good aim.

Creeping out...

Hmmm 6 days can change a lot of things... no early positive on an hpt for me... and no late positive for me on a hpt... so we've stopped the progesterone and we're just waiting for the period to show up. I can't say that I'm happy about this. Hope was briefly there, and now it's gone. Not much else to say other than thank god I don't have to go to my husband's family's house when the idiot pregnant woman who is still with her pedophile husband is there... Got to find a bright side to everything... right now that's all I got.

Oh yes I do have one more bright side... I'm going to the TSO conert tomorrow night... thank heaven!

Creeping in?

I'm 9 dpo today... and I'm still taking my temps, etc which of course are still high (thank you Mr. Progesterone). And that niggling little creature called Hope is starting to creep in. You know that annoying little voice in your head saying "It's a beautiful chart, could that be an implantation dip?" is becoming quite repetitive. My husband of course says this... "I'll believe we're pregnant when we actually see an ultrasound with something where it's supposed to be and frankly a heartbeat would be nice as well." Got to love his cynicism... I'm sad that it's come to that... that hope isn't automatically there... if and when we see a second line on an hpt - we both think - call get a blood test... get another one in 48 hours... then wait for the results to... double (stop laughing we've had them double once out of the 3 times and that was with the ectopic)... then wait for an u/s so we can know what to do... (Yeah I haven't ever reached u/s point so I'm not sure what to do about that.)

So hope or pessimism... I haven't figured out which little voice I'm going to listen to... I just pray that I make it through the holidays and hopefully get an early Christmas gift with a picture of a beating heart in my uterus rather than my fallopian tubes... excuse me while I go have that fantasy...

Also how do I explain to the nurses if no when I get a positive? When they ask for lmp I'd have to say 11/6, but I ovulated late... so should I just do the math and give them an adjusted date? decisions decisions... maybe I'll just run it by the nurse... God Hope can be so awful sometime... I'm already thinking about calling a nurse and I don't have a positive to show for it... this could be a rotten Christmas... will keep you posted.