I Hate Being Right About This...

Negative... no beta needed... I'm 16 dpo/dpiui and whatever was there for lines are now gone...

What's next?

D and I both are a little bit crispy. Which means that we're going to take a breather... use the fertility monitor, PIO after ovulation... and just well enjoy each other. If it happens great... if not then come March or April we'll go back and ask them to figure out what to do next.

It means unfortunately going back to charting somewhat... not looking forward to that, however this also allows us to build up our savings and have the proverbial cash plan if needed.

Don't worry I'm not going to quit blogging... just step back a bit and enjoy life more than doctors appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc.

I think I need that... and hey maybe I'll even go on a diet - yeah that ones doubtful. A girl can dream right?

Because I said So...

So there take that everyone... I'm too busy in puppy land to even think or talk about what may or may not be going on in my uterus.



The new digs as we had a rash of escapes the other day resulting in some poop on the floor... not cool... very not cool.


Let them eat feet....

So yeah uhmm we're still in denial at the 10 canine household... it's actually not a terrible feeling to be honest. I'm focusing on the puppies right now and lemonade - which has been something that is consistent with every freaking positive I've ever had. Even the crappiest ones so who knows why I have that sign as a eureka kind of thing. D is even more ambivalent about this than I am - he's like "shouldn't it be darker" yet when I went to purchase 3 different brands of hpt's he was of the "why are you purchaisng all of those????" To waste money my dear watson... to waste money. I put the hpt's back... will buy more when he's NOT with me as seriously don't want to hear it.

We Shall See

We have not done a beta yet... we do have a faint - so faint it needs spot lights to see positive on an hpt... D and I have decided - what's the rush - we've had good betas, bad betas, okay betas and as of yet not one of them has paid off. A few more days isn't going to kill us. I'm not sure when I'll do the beta. I assume if things stay positive until Monday then I'll finally do it. Trying to figure out when the best time to do it is hard as if I wait till Friday the redraw wouldn't be until Tuesday of next week based on 96 hours rather than 48... so Monday works.

Other than that nothing happening here... move along. So yeah uhmm we shall see. D pointed out - shouldn't it be darker by now? Yeah... it should. I am 14 dpiui/dpo whatever you want to call it... a dark line would have made me feel a bit more eager to do a beta. A faint one just makes me go - ARGHHHHHHH...

Off to play with the puppies... or let them gnaw on my toes or fingers or what not - can do that while they still don't have teeth. Will post pics later. I promise.

Patience - apparently I do have some...

First off - cycle update. I could have done a beta today at 12 dpiui... I'm not. I don't want to know. I had done a digital yesterday at 11 dpiui and it clearly stated "not pregnant". I'm going with probably not pregnant... not that I've ever had a positive at 11 dpo but ya know what I mean. I have 2 more nights to work - I'd rather live with denial... hpt on Wednesday and stop the PIO at that point. Call me crazy or whatever... just not in that big of a yank to know. So that's where patience comes in!

Second - Maribeth has an update on Greta and her pups... want to see some cute wire haired pups - this would be your opportunity. Congratulations Maribeth and Greta - it didn't happen the way you anticipated, but they're here and all is well! Let me just add - I have known Maribeth for about 10 years... we've been on a doxie group that branched off from being just about doxies to about doxies and life... a circle of friends. These women and a few men can't forget the boys... have seen me through dating woes, Chance's bad back, becoming a nurse, the death of my dad, my marriage, and the whole ttc crap. They are all older than me and such great diverse men and women... it is a pleasure to know them and love them.

Third - TSO was fabulous. However I did get a phone call at the beginning of it stating "Hi this is work -you're supposed to be here." WTF!!!! Yeah uhmm apparently the paperwork I filled out didn't translate to the dailies and I didn't check because that stuff is just supposed to happen. No harm no foul... will find the paperwork to make sure my tookus is covered, but once my heart quit racing... I was able to enjoy the concert. D loved our seats and we had a great time! Next year there won't be puppies we have to rush home and get back to their momma (D is still paranoid that Meghan is going to lay on one of them) and a babysitter was not to be found... so by the time we got home - Meghan was in a tizzy, the pups were fine lazing about like little lizards under the heat lamp and since I had rigged up a way for the little yahoos not to escape were still safe in their whelping box.

Fourth - This morning with said rigging down - Navy aka Heavy had escaped from the box and shi*te on the floor... D's words - they will be moved to the closet tonight I promise. The box in the closet has higher sides so little escape artists can not climb the walls... yet. Little stinkers. Last day of antibiotics for Navy and White... Tomorrow will be the last for Brown and then Wednesday will be the last day for Red and Light Blue... They are starting to play... starting to walk like drunken sailors... and all in all quite enjoyable... though D did say with a grin "We are going to have our hands full!" Yep - we sure are. It's been fun so far though... and what's a little shi*te on the floor in the grand scheme of things?

Will post more puppy pictures - unless of course you guys are getting sick of them...

For the love of...

Why oh why did I reach out and dial?

I dialed a friend... a male friend - haven't heard from him or his wife in a while and wanted to just say hi... Christmas spirit and all that crap. I left a message... he called back. He used to be my roommate... he used to date one of my best friends. Turns out they're pregnant... due in April. I am happy for them, but why oh why did I have to feel that green eyed monster called jealousy creep out and choke me. I didn't even know what to say... I said the obligatory congratulations and I am happy on some level... I'm just so frustrated right now.

Another friend let me know that one of our former classmates - he was a giant geek is a prof somewhere now and his wife are apparently expecting as well... gee great.

So I'm talking myself away from the chocolate... going to hold some puppies - oh wait I did that already.

Right now all I feel is fear. Fear of a negative. What the hell will we do if it is negative? I know - keep moving forward, but do I push D to have a s/a? (Won't have to push too hard, but is it something I want to know at this point is the real question...) If we do the s/a and it comes back crappy do we just say screw it find the funding somehow to do IVF?

I blame D's job... it has to be that because seriously we've never had an issue getting knocked up it's the staying knocked up that's the problem. So yeah uhmm don't mind me...I'm the girl in the corner clutching a puppy saying - "there there"

Why can't they just sedate you for the two week wait? I'm thinking we'd all be a little bit less well uhmm fried if they did that.

Thank goodness I'm off tonight due to a LCD... got to love those.

Houdini?

We came home today from an errand to find the above picture...

I woke up tonight to the above picture.

White has become Houdini!

His eyes are still only slits, his vision is not that great... his coordination is abominable. Yet, he's managed to escape the whelpping box twice in a short period of time. We think what is happening is that there was a towel bunched up that would elevate you so you could go "over the edge" and escape and that he's using that rather than him climbing out. We shall see as I fixed the bunched up towel.

In other news - Runt aka Red will have to have her tail redone... she'll be going under anesthesia on Friday to do this... exposed bone just is not safe for her. We (meaning the vet, breeder we got Meghan from, D and I) think what occurred was that she suddenly had a growth spurt after her tail was done which led to the edges not to seal and the bone to become exposed.

On Friday everyone is getting checked out/looked at to make sure all are doing well. The vet asked that we bring them in for a look at just to make sure all are well. She feels bad about the tail. Red doesn't seem bothered by it at this point thank goodness.

Other than that life is good. Nothing on the fertility front... I'm 8 days post IUI so who knows what's going on in there. Hopefully something good.

**Edited to add** No Meghan isn't dropping "white" out of the box... she wasn't in the box the first time and the second time she was sleeping and I watched the little bugger escape today - he just has places to go and people to see apparently!

Woohoo and Pics

Picture of 6 happy, healthy, and full of milk puppies - if you look closely you can find number 6...

Woohoo - goes out to one of my friends on a bb that is pregnant - she's been trying for quite a while and she's gotten two great betas. Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months.

So... Why does two weeks feel like an eternity?

As the title states... that is how this 2ww feels. It stinks. I am trying to ignore my body. I'm trying to focus on the puppies.

In the meantime this has led me to ALMOST forget my estrace twice, my PIO three times... Thank goodness it's been almost rather than definitely forgotten. However it always makes you go hmm... is it because I've become an old hat about this or is it because I truly don't care? I'm not sure that I know the answer to that.

I know that puppies aren't babies, but it's the closest thing I've got to babies. We're helping Meghan mother her puppies... and both D and I are total saps about the puppies. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just something you realize as you watch a puppy open it's eyes for the first time (So far only the heavy of the bunch has his eyes open - however I imagine by tomorrow we'll have a few more eyes open.)

On other fronts - I became the paranoid parent today... actually D & I both did. The pups tails were doc*ked last week Tuesday and things were going great... until we started trimming toenails and I noticed that one of the pups had a little somethiing on it's tail. That something was well to be blunt - not quite right. So I called the vet. We ended up taking all puppies in and 3 out of 6 are now on antibiotics due to their tails being quite possibly infected. So on top of remembering my antibiotics, estrace, PIO, etc... I now have to remember the puppies antibiotics - theirs are twice a day. On the days I work I have to somehow have D remember these items. This could be interesting.

I will try to post puppy pictures tomorrow... I know it's probably nauseating, but heck - I'd rather focus on them then what may or may not be happening with my body and what steps we may or may not take. Hope that makes sense!

*edited to add* Weimaraners have fragile tails - that is why their tails are do*cked so that they don't break their tails - when hunting, rough housing, etc which can cause a lifelong of pain for them... if you want to debate the humaneness of doc*king so be it, but not here... I will do whatever I need to do to ensure safe, healthy, and loving lives for these pups - never question that.

Who Would Have Thought...

We'd have a baby monitor before we had a baby?

Yep you read that right - we now own a baby monitor. It's the easiest way for us to be able to be out and about in the house without worrying about Meghan and her puppies. I know it makes us sound totally paranoid, but truthfully after having a pup die due to being laid on - one tends to be a bit paranoid.

Right now I've learned I'm pretty sensitive to death of any kind - whether it be from natural causes or unnatural causes, human or animal. I'm realistic about life and death - that's not it... it's that I am so tired of death touching my life. (I don't mean at work either)

I mean I'm tired of losing people and things that I care about... maybe this is what accumulates after trying for so long and losing so many... I don't know. Maybe this is due to trying to figure out what path to take next if we have to choose... Maybe it's just that for once I want joy and happiness rather than sadness in our lives.

Don't get me wrong - I have a LOT of things to be joyful about, however there are still quite a few things to be sad about. I keep things in perspective... and most days all you'll ever hear me talk about are the good things in my life. However at the end of the day, in the middle of the night... D and I talk about those things that aren't quite sunshine and light. He's bothered by this ttc thing as am I. We handle it differently.

I think he was rather disappointed with the post wash count... okay I KNOW he was disappointed in the post wash count because he came home and googled it to try and find a "normal" value. Talk about an effort in futility... I think this time is different for him... because every other time we could always say it was most likely something went wrong with "my" body... now we know the possibility is there that the problem may be with both of us... and that has made my loving husband start to talk about next steps... what if's... things we hadn't necessarily agreed or discussed before.

Communication is something that is vital in our relationship - no one could ever say that we don't communicate. However we have left a few things unresolved - our feelings about IVF... so now that's being discussed... Our RE has not once ever mentioned that, but we want to have a united front if that option ever gets brought up.

So what have we learned...

1. That S & D are paranoid about their puppies...
2. That S & D have agreed to a s/a if this cycle is negative.
3. That S & D are contemplating more IUI's depending on what the s/a shows if this cycle is negative...
4. That S & D are talking about IVF and if we would even go that route...

Nothing is ever set in stone... I know D will move heaven and earth to have a family with me... and that is something I can wrap around myself when he's not here and know that I am loved and that I truly have a wonderful husband. Maybe that's the take home message of today...

Puppy Pictures & Power Update

So far we still have power. Unfortunately we're all a bit stir crazy. I'm supposed to make dinner - but truthfully I have no clue what to make. Suggestions are welcome as I'm the cook for the next couple of days.

I wax and wane between being hopeful and despair as well as wondering if we need to do another s/a for D if this is negative. I'm thinking that that will be a definite if it is negative. D is of course open to whatever I feel needs to be done. I married a great man... he's been such a trooper through all this. Whatever I've suggested - he's been willing. He's also talked about IVF where as before he's been absolutely against it. That doesn't mean I'm completely for it, but I'm definitely open to all our options. You know me - I have to have a plan to feel secure about everything and so far we don't really have a plan but we know we have options which helps a lot.

In other news - Beta is definitely on December 11... Below are puppy pictures. Thank goodness for Margie - who uploaded the pics for me to my photobucket... so everyone could enjoy the cute little darlings!

Stinking Weather- Pray that the power stays on!

We are under a winter storm warning... actually I think it's whatever the it's going to happen so better prepare yourself warning. It started last night and is going throughout the day until at the earliest 7 pm tonight.

The weather is weird... started as rain, then ice, and now snow. Anywhere from 2-12 inches in various areas of the state... we're in the I believe 2-6 range and D's work is in the 2" or less range. D took my vehicle to work and has made a request that I keep my tookus indoors and off the roads. Fortunately I don't need to drive anywhere.

My only concern is that the weather will knock out power. Then I'll be moving puppies to the living room and stoking the fireplace and praying that everyone gets along. Or I'll be holding various puppies under comforters etc in the effort to keep them warm.

I've figured out why dogs ears are sealed for the first few weeks - its so they don't have to hear their littermates catterwauling while eating. We have a bunch of noisy eaters in our household... by noisy I mean NOISY... one enjoys squawking while eating. This leads to either D or I getting up to check and make sure no one is getting squashed. I think it's safe to say we are prepared for parenthood after the last 6 nights.

D has never had puppies or kittens or anything that has given birth before... he's in awe of the little buggers. I of course have been the unfortunate owner of a "male" hamster named Ricky that turned into Rickette - when I came home to find 8 new hamster babies, a cat that was adopted and was pregnant and gave us 6 kittens. My sister reminded me of my dumb luck so to speak in regards to adopting animals and that I tend to somehow manage to pick the ones that are knocked up! So this has been a learning experience for D - one we won't be repeating.

I know God has a reason for why we ended up with Meghan of all the dogs to choose from. Maybe it's to make our Christmas that much more interesting as who can't enjoy puppies running around the tree?

PIO started last night... Beta is uhm I think December 11... Shoot should probably read the paper right? I'm thinking of putting a ticker up for the puppies age and also for the beta... Pictures will be forthcoming as soon as I can load them up on photobucket - as my internet connection right now is spotty with the weather - or sweet talk a friend into loading them up for me.

Puppies, IUI, Oh my!

Lets see puppy update... still have 6 all doing well. Will post pics tomorrow.

Monday found us taking Chance to the vet for a rabies vaccine and to check out the bites from Megan. D was worried about them as the one on his back was still bleeding every now and again and since I developed cellulitis so quickly he didn't want to take the chance Chance was doing that as well. Chance weighed in at a svelte 12 lbs 3 oz. (apparently feeding him the diet food is helping) though he still needs to lose a pound or two. Wounds are fine. Rabies shot went well. This is the first time D has had to take him to the vet alone and so I had to write out a detailed history to help him out and so that they wouldn't vaccinate him against other things as the bugger is allergic to 2 other vaccines.

Tuesday found me working Monday night and Tuesday night... Tuesday day involved us taking pups and Megan to the vet for tail do*cking and dew claw removal... they did great. The vet thought they looked excellent and that their weights are doing well as well. She was amazed at how "healthy" the pups are as she saw Megan on Monday of last week and would have thought the pups would be undernourished or not as many. So... so far so good.

Wednesday - D procured his specimen and drove to the office to drop it off... got lost on the way and called me in a panic. Got there with a few minutes to spare. We had the IUI at around 10:45... his count was 5.7 million washed (no clue if that's good - I believe it's an "ok" count rather than excellent) D blames it on the fact we had dtd on Monday morning... lesson learned we'll abstain longer. The nurse attempted to do the IUI however my cervix - not so friendly. It apparently wanted to hide rather than stay and play. She tried at least three times to make it happen without success. Of course the room was missing the equipment she was looking for so she went out to get it and came back with Dr. Nice - (he's my doctor's partner) and he is very nicel, a bit quiet. He switched catheters to the curved one and said he'd give it a shot before we went for the gripper (aka tena*culum). He was successful. Thank goodness. Laid with my hips up for 10 minutes and then off we went.

So who knows what's going on in there... hopefully a few good sperms meet up with those eggs and at least one decides to stick around.

Will post pics tomorrow of puppies... here's an update on their weights over the last few days all weights are in ounces. bw - birthweight.
1. Boy - bw 12.2 - 13.4, 17 oz
2. boy- bw 13.4 - 14.5, 17.9 oz
3. boy - bw 14.8, 15.1, 18.9
4. girl bw - 10.1, 10.8, 14.2
5. girl bw 10.8, 11.2, 14.2
6. girl bw 9.6, 9.6, 12.7

Update on Puppies and IUI

Okay we have some bad news... Megan laid on one of the pups and unfortunately it did not survive. So we're down to 6 it was one of our females.

My u/s and bloodwork showed great results we have approximately 4 follicles that are ready to go and IUI is scheduled for Wednesday 10:45.

Will write more later.

Our Timing Was Off

Welcome to the world you 7 little hellions...

Yes you read that correctly - 7 little hellions. We currently have 3 males, 4 females that were born Saturday night. It's been fun times at our house. Nothing like 3 inexperienced individuals attempting to have puppies. D and I - inexperienced - all D can remember from his EMT class was "massage the fundus" and well I know very little about birthing babies - let alone the canine variety.

We toasted after all was said and done and toasted to "our first and last litter of puppies". We were not meant to have puppies. We were not meant to breed dogs. I love puppies - I just can't handle the stress of what if's.

Megan did a great job. The pups weight ranges from 9.6 oz to 14.8 oz... (yes we have a runt and a fattie)

So that's what is happening at my house. Let the games begin...

Research Study

D and I recently participated in a research study... it was for the male perspective on recurrent miscarriage. I filled out a survey - actually 2-3 surveys and D then had to do a telephone interview.

D is such a trooper... seriously - he felt he didn't give her the response she wanted... but truthfully the pregnancies for him have all rolled together - there's really only 3 that stand out for him... The first... the one in January when we were on clomid and then our rest cycle and accompanying D/C. He's plain and simply put lost track of them. To be honest so have I. It's the reason why I've updated my about me... because if I don't write it down - they all blend together - one after another chemical pregnancy...

I'd describe D and I as a "extra crispy". I recently attended a Resolve meeting and it was good... It helped... I love my online groups, but meeting real people was nice as well. D even came in towards the end (after going shooting at the range for an hour to blow off some steam in regards to Megan's news). He's not sure if he'll go back or not... he's fine either way. He'd rather shoot though as that's how he deals with his emotional issues - he either talks with me or shoots something whether it be with live bullets and a target or a video game that requires shooting.

We all have different ways we cope... mine is sleep - who am I to argue with his if it works.

Why Me?

Dealing with my mother and dealing with a car salesman should require me to get a medal... a prize (preferably monetary in value). It's awful.

I've had multiple phone calls from Mom in regards to the price of the car - etc. In her mind if she could shop at Goodwill and get a car she would. She would have lost her mind if I had taken her to Saturn where she couldn't haggle about the price. However haggling is not something I truly truly enjoy so this has been awful. I'm tired of the phone calls... I'm truly tired of them.

Today found me getting a panic phone call from Mom regarding the insurance... she had spoke with them 3 times in the space of 10 minutes (I learned this after talking to our insurance lady - Who both D and I LOVE! She rocks!) My mother after talking with the insurance lady called me and then I had to call the car salesman and then call the insurance lady with the info. Talk about a roundabout way of gettiing things done. This is the way it's going to be all weekend... and I have to work ALL weekend. Let the fun begin.

*On the Megan front... I think she popped after we heard the confirmation because our girl certainly has a different figure than she had a few days ago. I felt at least one puppy in there moving around and probably 2 other puppies in there... I'm not certain of course, but it was definitely something. Megan likes to spend most of her days lying on her back belly up with her feet in the air. We've yet to figure out where she's going to have these puppies... we've got to figure all this stuff out soon... Poor D he's totally overwhelmed by the prospect. I am as well, but who can't be a bit happy about puppies - wiggly little balls of fur and in our case these will most likely be silver sleek little weimaraner puppies. As Megan was only around other weimaraners. This should be interesting and hopefully not too plentiful.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...

Remember we adopted Megan...

Remember Megan's tatas were getting a bit bigger, but we thought she might be having a false pregnancy...

Turns out we were wrong. It is official... Megan is knocked up. Megan will most likely be having a few (God willing less than 5) puppies sometime in the next two weeks or so - give or take a few days... We were stunned. D spent a few hours muttering.

We feel like fools... fools because unfortunately false pregnancy and real pregnancy in dogs can look very similar. We feel stupid because Megan has been aching for more food and we've limited it because we didn't want her to gain weight too quickly... (that and the only place it looked like she was gaining weight was in her knockers).

Ultimately all we want is for Megan to be healthy and her pups as well... This is definitely going to be an interesting Christmas... guess what FIL/MIL are getting for Christmas... I'll give you two guesses and it should only take you one.

So uhmm if you get a box and it has holes in it after the new year... it's with love from us :)

*In all seriousness we plan on finding loving homes for all of these pups - however many there may be... again hope for few rather than many... 3 - 3 is a good number right? So uhmm know any good dog midwives?

Apparently I'm not Rotten and How to Make Your FIL Fret...

First off FSH numbers - would have had the results last night IF the damn lab had run them - apparently they are only done on first shift. I called at 10 a.m. to get the results... Normal is less than 9... Mine was 4.0. Phew - I feel like I dodged a bullet there. Apparently Nurse Sweetie was right... we shall see what this month brings, but having one number makes me a bit more relieved.

I didn't start worrying till I was playing bulletin board bingo with a doctor and he mentioned crap egg qualities as a reason for my response. It's nice to know I'm not rotten yet!

On to the rest of the story...

A few months ago during a heated debate with FIL I said "Grandma doesn't even like me." He apparently has been fretting about this thought ever since. Me - not so much. I believe it's a bonus a perk if your husband's extended family likes you. I am fairly confident that few of my husband's extended family (all the ones on my FIL's side like me) and a select few on my MIL's family like me. I could care less either way. I interact with these people rarely now that D's over here that it really doesn't matter. D isn't even sure if his mom's extended family likes him and again we don't care.

FIL is worried about this and he called and spoke with D and begged him to tell me that grandma likes me. That her behavior is just her way. (She's an old bat... she's the one that I pissed off and D has pissed off just by opening our mouths...) Loving is not a word I would use to describe her. We have 1 picture of her at our wedding... she left after the ceremony rather than staying for pictures so we have NO pics with her because she left. Nice huh... can't imagine why I might think she doesn't like me? My feelings came to a head a few months ago when I pissed off grandma royally... she got all huffy, quit talking, said snotty things etc. Let me also say I don't intentionally try to piss off grandma - I can't help it if she wants to defend a convicted felon and I disagree. Most people would side with me on this one if they knew the true story. Actually those of you that know the full story have sided with D and I on our feelings about D's twisted extended family.

So D relayed his dad's feelings to me... and I laughed, D laughed when I responded with - does he honestly think I worry about this? Because we rarely talk about D's family except when the holidays come around. This year is a challenge because teh convicted felon is out of jail and D has some HUGE anger issues in regards to him. (The convicted felon is D's cousin and his crime is awful and just talking about him makes D angry) D told his dad that we wouldn't be at Christmas either... and that went over like a lead balloon. He invited them over - and of course was told well "J and the girls will be up..." which equals we can't come up because we have to visit with them.

D says that doesn't hurt him, but I think it does... he says "it's the way it always has been." To me it's wrong, but again I'm from two parents that would move heaven and earth to spend a holiday with me... if I couldn't come home - they came to me. My mom is coming to us so that she can spend the holidays with us. D's an only child for goodness sake I thought his parents would do the same, but again - I'm proven wrong... they would rather spend their holiday season with the extended family then their own son. I think FIL would come over but MIL is fearful of her old bat of a mother if she bucked tradition and spent the holidays with us. Yes I know I sound bitter... I'm not, but I think on some level it hurts D and to hurt D you hurt me and well... it pisses me off. One of these days FIL and I will have a talk about all this. Until then I have to call and let him know that truthfully could give a rats ass less if grandma in law likes me or not... her opinion of me doesn't count. I don't need her approval. I have his son's love and that's all I'll ever need. Anything else is a bonus.

Should be a fun conversation huh...

*I know FIL cares about me and I know my MIL does as well - they like me because I do bring a lot of joy to D's life and I love him more than words can say... and they recognize that. My MIL doesn't get me, but she tries... and my FIL enjoys me... I think that's good enough. The rest of the family can well - fly a kite.

Wheeling and Dealing

U/S on Friday showed no cysts. I know the u/s is precautionary but seriously - not one single cyst has ever graced these ovaries - why would one suddenly crop up now when we're on cycle 7 for injectables? I decided to have my fsh tested - of course I was supposed to get those results tonight, but I'll have them in the morning. It was left up to me whether I wanted the test done or not - apparently last month was the only month I responded so poorly. It could have been due to becoming tolerant to meds. Since I'm a) young and b) ovaries have been responsive we're going full speed ahead and increasing the meds in the hopes of a few good ones showing up to party with D's sperm. I'll be doing the estrace again as well and I'll have another u/s on Friday. In other words let the games begin.

D after hearing of the cost of an IUI - his words (not a bad price) has voted to do the IUI if we have more than one follicle for his sperm to aim for. Got to love that my husband while he has no problem performing on command wants the best bang for our buck (again his words) and any percentage point increase in success in his eyes is a better chance (math is not his strong suit). He feels this way in part because if this fails we'll be going the natural route with progesterone supplementation after ovulation for a while.

Now on to the meat and potatoes of this post...

Yesterday was not a great day.... truthfully today wasn't much better. With my mother's planned visit next week she has been on me to go and price out an all wheel drive vehicle for her with a trade in of her truck of course. Now this isn't an easy thing to do because I don't know all the details of her truck and it's not like she does either. She has to have an all wheel drive vehicle as truthfully her truck is a death trap. One time while D was living with her (I was there at the time as well) she decided to ignore both of our wishes and drive her and her dog Sadie when the roads were awful. She ended up in the ditch with the front end of her truck literally perpendicular to the road and the back end of her truck up in the air. Poor Sadie was traumatized from the event. D was livid when we got the phone call because she didn't listen and because she could have been seriously hurt. So with D no longer living with mom he's worried about her driving a truck that is awful in snow and ice. So we've been car hunting for her.

We had a great salesman for our last purchase... I wanted this guy again. Of course the guy we had has since left the dealership - imagine cursing occurring because it well did. I ended up with someone I used to work with when I was a paramedic. We'll call this guy Slick - because seriously he is very slick... and while charming you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. So I spent two days with Slick (Friday and Saturday) and I'm going to end up spending part of Monday with him to hammer out this deal as well as Friday to get my mom to sign the papers etc. My mom of course has an unreasonable price that she wants - that I can't get for her... and I have to be the one to break the news to her. She turns her cell phone on then turns it off so the whole phone negotiations have been so much fun.

I came home and I've had D make me a drink. It's been that kind of day. I hope the rest of the week gets better. Seriously.

Will update with FSH numbers once I know them in the morning (apparently they can only be run during first shift) bastards.

What to do?

First since I enjoy posting conversations with my mother and truthfully I have nothing of importance to say - here goes...

Mom - Jackass came through the surgery fine?
Me - Why did Jackass have surgery?
Mom - He got hurt at work... his shirt got caught and his arm got crushed. Didn't you know
Me - (thinking in head - hello? The only way I'd have this info was if she had told me) Nope didn't know... glad to hear he's okay.
Mom - I was there for it... it's what your dad would have wanted.
Me - I'm glad you were able to be there for him (as for what dad would have wanted - I hate the times when she says this because yes he would have wanted her to be there for Jackass but he would have also wanted Jackass to be a better person)
Mom - I was just thinking about you and had to call... how's D
Me - D's fine... and when are you coming for Thanksgiving?
Mom - Wednesday night...

So my mom is coming Wednesday night... should be interesting to say the least. I'm sure I'll have at least one trip for a cooter cam visit while she's here. She wants to go car shopping... an all wheel drive vehicle. On the one hand I think that's great on the other - not so much. Shopping where haggling involved with my mom is kind of like waiting for a bomb to go off and the bomb squad trying to neutralize the thing... so this could be interesting.

Cycle 20 hasn't started yet... I figure it'll be here either today or tomorrow. Either way it'll be okay. I'm still doing searches on literature to either say yes to the IUI or no... I think ultimately it will depend on whether or not there is more than one egg... if it's just one egg- NO... if more than one - YES... makes it rather simple then for us to decide.

In other fronts I'm going to ask them to use the drug doses from two cycles ago as that one yielded the best number of eggs... 2-3 I believe that were mature. We'll see how that suggestion goes - but seriously - 2 cycles with 1 egg with the same med dosages leads me to believe that that's not the answer. I could of course be wrong. We shall see.

On to Cycle 20...

I'm not going to beat around the bush... the beta was negative and I'm suprisingly calm about this. Shockingly even... and it's because I have some great friends that are going to help to make my last of this year at the very least and hopefully last for quite a while injectable cycle a good one...

I'm tempted to even see about doing an IUI this time rather than just the timed intercourse as I think - key word "think" that the odds of success increase substantially. I could of course be wrong. Also I'd have to manage to be triggered to ovulate on one of D's off days. Maybe we'll call this our Christmas present if we go with an IUI as I don't even know how much that costs.

Decisions Decisions...

Finally Some Good News

Congratulations Mandy and C on the arrival of Kathryn Elizabeth! D and I both are ecstatic for the two of you... I know it wasn't as smooth a transition to the world as you would have liked, but she's here and that's the part that matters. So go on over and congratulate the new parents.

Lightning Strikes Twice...

I always thought that wasn't true.

Then I proved that it does happen... without rhyme or reason. That those things you don't think could possibly happen two years in a row on or about the same freaking day do happen. You try to pick up the shattered pieces of yourself and you want to just beat the hell out of the world. But you can't. You have to go on.

DD received some awful news yesterday regarding Wolf. We all were rooting for Wolf and hoping the best for DD and her hubby. Today is the anniversary of her loss of Vivienne on November 10, 2004... I hate that another loss is on DD's doorstep and this is so fucking unfair.

I know - nothing in life is fair. How I wish that that wasn't the case. I wish that good, kind, compassionate, loving individuals never had to deal with loss... because it just isn't right and I have no answers as to why these things happen.

All I know is that it sucks.

Most Likely Not

Phew...

I feel as if I've dodged a bullet... even though we are not 100% certain I spoke with the woman who we got Megan from and it is unlikely that Megan had an opportunity to get knocked up while in heat. I say unlikely because Megan was under the care of someone other than Megan's breeder at the time of her heat cycle. She does think that Megan may be having a pseudopregnancy and well with those you just wait it out. We'll keep an eye on her and if this doesn't resolve by Thanksgiving we'll take her in to the vet and let him figure things out. Which reminds me I have to get Chance's rabies vaccine updated and then 3 new dog licenses.

As for our cycle... I hate limbo... and unfortunately we'll be in limbo until Tuesday... that's what 5-6 days away... and apparently googling how soon will ovid*rel leave your system doesn't give you a definitive answer... I've heard 10 days, but well in my past history I think it's been longer.

Drama Queens

Not really but who knows it could be right?

D apparently has to work at 0830 in the morning. He's less than thrilled. I think his thrill level is pretty comparable to when he has to go have his wisdom teeth removed, but without the drugs and novacaine... I could be wrong, but something tells me that come O dark early tomorrow morning I'm going to have my husband's evil twin on my hands rather than the guy I love. I may have to unleash my evil twin on his ass to get him to quit whining about it.

Apparently the incentive of a drug bust or buy (I so do not know the lingo) is going to cause D to be happy about this early morning call to duty. So far I know nothing about what he's doing... Which is fine with me... he comes home and we talk about the dogs.

Ernie has taken to twirling his kennel around while in it. Unfortunately this causes damage to Ernie's nose. The poor dog looks like someone has been beating his nose... in reality the only one beating Ernie is Ernie. Bad Ernie. Megan on the other hand spins in her kennels and I fear that if I put tassles on her nipples she'd look like a po*rn star rather than the beautiful weimaraner she is. Lola has taken to chasing after bunnies in the yard and not coming when called and Chance well Chance is curled up in his kennel under a bunch of blankets.

When Chance isn't in his kennel which while large for a mini dachshund is small to a weimaraner... Ernie when yelled at or pouting at not having a spot next to either D or me on the couch, bed, etc is climbing into Chance and Lola's kennel and fucking it all up. I say this because he does... he goes in there and is crouched all around - somehow manages to spin himself in there and then proceeds to try and bunch up the pillows/blankets just so. Chance generally at this point will stand outside the kennel and then come stare at either D or myself and go back to the kennel as if to say "WTF!!!!" He is less than thrilled. He wasn't thrilled that Lola was going to share his kennel, but she does have body heat so that made it okay... but then Ernie too? No. No. No. No. NO! So then either D or myself have to go and convince Ernie he needs to be out of Chance's kennel which then causes him to go to the "faux" kennel (it's a fabric kennel and seriously it wouldn't hold any of my dogs in it for longer than 15 minutes) and to make his point he gets that faux kennel rocking, rolling, on it's side, etc until finally it either caves in on him or he is able to sit down just so.

My dogs are drama queens. They learned it from my husband... because I of course am the picture of tranquility.

Virgin Voter

I voted at the polls for the first time in my adult life. Prior to this I had always done an absentee ballot. D was shocked because he had always voted at the polls... I'm temped to contact my fil and tease him about who I voted for - but I can only do that if my candidate actually wins. Otherwise it's going to be a long phone call. Here's hoping the good guys win.

In other news did I mention that my employers insurance is being benevolent and willing to pay for $500 for infertility testing/diagnostics. Gee uhmm thanks. If you imagine me scratching my head going yeah that'll cover maybe 3 u/s. I know it's a step forward... and I know I'll probably have to continue to email the person in charge of coming up with our benefits - which I will do... but it's frustrating. Why can't someone just mandate that infertility be covered. It would be too simple apparently.

So in the meantime I will leave you with a quote... because I think that's what most of us have done... we may have hit the end of our rope, but we're still hanging on.

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
– Franklin Delano Roosevelt

This Could Be Interesting or Not...

D is going to be working with the drug task force this week doing "training". Truthfully I have no idea what kind of "training" you can do in jeans, t-shirt, bullet proof vest, and a gun but what do I know - I'm just a nurse. It should be interesting to say the least. He will be working 8 hour shifts and it'll be from 2pm -10 pm... I'm thinking just how many drug dealers is he even going to interact with? I could of course be wrong. He's giddy. It's comical and I'm probably peeing on his parade by being snarky about it. We went to find the place that he has to report to... I won't disclose locations, but I thought it was comical. I have that kind of sense of humor.

I truly take my husband's job seriously - most days. Then there are days when I don't. Today apparently is one of the don'ts. D couldn't look like a drug dealer without a hollywood dresser coming in and dressing him. This is of course just my opinion in spite of some of the music D listens to... it's just not believable. I truthfully also do not really know what he'll be doing this week. I assume it's dealing with drugs, but heck it could be hookers. Who knows. I'm sure I'll have lots to tell as the two weeks go by.

In the meantime - I currently have 1 dog, 1 husband and myself in the bed. Every now and again Megan or Ernie will attempt to sleep in the bed. We're trying very hard to enforce that they have to sleep in their bed. The two weims in one bed is quite comical. We recently put the duvet cover back on and well it's warm and toasty and makes Lola have to come out from under the covers about halfway through the night. This is the pooch who falls asleep on a heating pad if given the opportunity. So yeah it gets that warm.

In other news... Megan - well I'm beginning to wonder if she isn't knocked up or have a pseudopregnancy going on... her nipples are a bit enlarged/engorged/whatever you want to call them but they're not right! I of course haven't taken her to a vet yet... If she is that's fine... if she's not that is fine as well - actually that would be great if she wasn't. If it's a pseudopregnancy though you have to time the spaying to when it's resolved... and well how the heck do you know it's resolved. No - I've never had an intact female so yes this is my first time and no I do not having any working knowledge of the canine reproductive system other than what Dr. Google tells me. So any and all advice is appreciated. D says her nipples get larger whenever she drinks water. He would like to purchase a coconut bra for her at this point.

I got nothing to say about my reproductive foray... we're shooting up and of course taking the estrace and that's about it. Can't wait for next Tuesday to hurry up and get here so we can either stop or continue.

The Dependable One

Have I mentioned that my mom well... loves court trials. She's all about Judge Judy, Joe Brown, and the People's Court... yeah that's my mom. She also loves real crime murder mystery books... court tv is her favorite channel.

Have I mentioned that my mom's roof was leaking? No - well it was. Badly. D had tried to patch a few of the wholes apparently without success... so we knew Mom would have to get a new roof. My mom does not like to part with her money... ever. She's the queen of goodwill shopping, garage sales, and well any other bargain basement you can find. This does come in handy sometimes, but not when shopping for a new roof. She had multiple estimates as well as a few rude contractors that resulted in me having to call and give them a piece of my mind. Any contractors reading this blog - Never ever be rude to my mother where she calls me crying, because if you do I will be forced to call and complain and while my mom may be irrational on the phone I am not. Especially when jacked up on hormones. D also called to complain as well. Anything that makes my mom cry in a bad way makes D angry in a bad way. So not only did the contractors have to deal with me... they also had to deal with D. Granted I am much scarier on the phone than D is, but 2 angry potential customers is better to make the point.

Eventually we got a phone call from my mom saying that she had signed a contract and was getting the roof done. This week below are the phone conversations with my mom.

Thursday
Mom - *irate* S I have no TV... what am I going to do... the dish is out and I can't watch my court trials.
Me - uhmm did you call the dish company?
Mom - well it's because I have no roof right now...
Me - so what would you like me to do about it? Take a sleeping pill and go to work tomorrow.
Mom - I don't have to work tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor. Sadie's upset as well (Sadie is her psycho golden lab)
Me- give Sadie a sleeping pill too... you could always go to D's parents house
Mom - Really? They wouldn't mind?
Me - they have 3 tv's... seriously 3 tv's I'm sure you can take over one of them and they wouldn't notice.
Mom - No... (big sigh) I'll just stay here, they'll be done tomorrow.

Friday
Mom - The damn dish still isn't working...
Me - did you ask the roofing guys to help you fix this problem?
Mom - yes they came in and tried, but it still isn't working
Me - did you call the dish people?
Mom - yes and they were going to charge me $150 dollars... I told them that I had the service plan and they told me that only covered indoor issues.
Me - so are you going to pay the $150?
Mom - No... I told them they could come and get their damn dish and I'd go buy an antenna...
Me - so are they coming to get it?
Mom - no they are coming and fixing it for free tomorrow.
Me - so what are you going to do tonight? Do you want me to call D's parents
Mom - No I can read.

Saturday afternoon
Mom- those damn dish people still aren't here to fix it. They called and tried to tell me no one would be here till next week. I HAVE to watch my 48 hours mystery... and I already missed my court trials.
Me - so what are they going to do?
Mom - I called their manager and they are coming to fix it and will be there within an hour.
Me - why do I get all these phone calls?
Mom - Your brother couldn't fix the tv and he'd just drive me nuts... Your other brother Jackass well he would probably end up hurting himself to get out of helping me...
Me - glad to know I can be depended on even 3 hours away.
Mom - I love you... Have you called your sister and gotten the kids clothing sizes?
Me - I love you too... and I'll try to do that today.

Okay this is where the vent about my siblings comes up. I am the youngest of 4. I have a brother from my dad's first marriage, and a brother and a sister from my mom's first marriage. They are all older than me by 9-15 years. I am the only one that has ever received these phone calls. My one brother is a bit simple due to a previous head injury and while we all love him he drives you bonkers when attempting to do any home improvement project. He is constantly apologizing. His common sense is a bit screwy as well. My other brother Jackass - well he's a jackass because he has a son that he has abandoned in the same town that he lives in. Apparently he can't handle every other week visitation. Jackass will blame someone else for problems of his own making. Jackass also somehow manages to injure himself so if my mom does ask him to do anything he can't because he's sliced his hand, hurt his back, has a cold, etc. My sister - well her and my mom had a falling out about 6 years ago... and she holds a grudge. In spite of apologies, in spite of my dad's death - they have a civil relationship but it isn't warm and friendly and she doesn't call my mom all that often. Probably 1-2 times/year. This hurts my mom because my mom loves my sister and loves my sister's kids.

Ultimately my 3 siblings have left me as the one my mom can depend on... prior to that both my parents knew I was the one they could depend on. Who they could talk about their marriage difficulties, financial woes, joys or sorrows. That hasn't changed, but now instead of just me... my mom also has D. I'm thankful that D is able to help out as well because it makes the load a bit lighter.

It Must Be the Water...

I'm so happy to know I wasn't the only one irritated by D's friends comment. The sad part about her comments is that she isn't the first person to offer to send "water" - my mil and a few coworkers have offered as well. You can't fix clueless unfortunately especially in regards to my mil - would love for her to understand just how hurtful those comments are, but that would require her to "get" what these losses have done to her son and well they don't talk about their feelings. It's just not done.

As for being "perky" over here or persistently optimistic - don't worry perky is definitely not how I would describe myself. Unfortunately both D and myself are firmly stuck in reality. We know the odds of success are not high... yet we keep trying. I guess we're just stubborn and persistent.

Below is a list of the possible outcomes from this cycle - heck any cycle and D and I have discussed all of these outcomes at length... so we have plans for each. You know me I like to have a plan.
a) negative
b) positive
c) ectopic
d) miscarriage
e) viable pregnancy in utero with a heartbeat (CRAP we haven't discussed that one!)

In regards to e if we're given the opportunity to even get to the point of seeing a heartbeat we'll take it a step further and start talking about all the other stuff. For now I think a through d covers the possibilities and if we have e then we can wing it for the most part.

Hope that made sense... I'm still brewing over my siblings, but trying to figure out how to even explain my relationship with my siblings... maybe we'll tackle that particular issue tomorrow or my mom and her relationship with my siblings... that would probably be more interesting.

Broken Dreams

Last night was our first PIO of this cycle... D has become very adept at these. It takes him about 2-3 and then he does not need me to point out landmarks. I'm impressed. Primarily because this is the man who broke out in cold sweat and almost passed out during his first subcutaneous injection he gave me. Terror would accurately describe his face that day. It wasn't pretty now he's a pro.

I'll be honest and please don't hate me but I truly don't have any issue with doing the PIO... it's simply more convenient for me to do this than to deal with pink cm from prometrium and a definite amount gets absorbed so in theory my progesterone level should never be in question. I should in theory have enough to sustain and maintain a pregnancy... if I of course were ever to get pregnant and make it stick kind of thing. We shall see.. only time will tell.

10 days down and then it's beta day... I just want it over and done with... whether it's positive or negative I can deal with the resulting roller coasters, but I just want to know one way or the other. I want things to work out, but I'm realistic in realizing that even if I get a positive things may not work out. D is too... and that I wish wasn't the case. I wish he still had some naivete about this whole process, but I've unfortunately brought him too to the dark side. I think that's the part that's harder than anything else... I can handle my dreams being crushed but watching his... seeing him stare at a baby at a restaraunt and point out the cute things the baby does breaks my heart... because I know he wants that too.

Seeing him respond to an email from a friend that's pregnant who offered to "send us the water as everyone is pregnant around her" and him saying thanks, but no... rather than going into detail and saying hello??? We have no problem getting pregnant and every problem staying pregnant. Knowing that he will be a wonderful father... and wanting more than anything to make him one.

Alright - can we all tell that the HCG has crept into my system and made me a complete nut case??? No? Well it has... we'll be back to our regularly scheduled snarkfest shortly. I have some posts brewing... a vent about my siblings... debating all our options... and gosh whatever else I might be able to come up with.

The Game Has Begun

Well with trigger on Tuesday - ovulation should occur sometime on Thursday (today). What that means is the festivities have begun. I can thankfully say that all systems have been good to go and we will not be having the problem that we had last month of lack of effort on anyone's part.

We have had a dilemma... Megan. Megan has been an issue we had to figure out how to a) get her off the bed and b) get her to stay off the bed. Fortunately we figured this problem out on Sunday rather than on Tuesday because we would probably be quite irritable right about now. D brought out the dog bed and sat it next to the bed and made Ernie lay down. Then he'd tell Megan to lay down (imagine a 45 lbs dog giving you the finger that's the look he got) as she jumped up onto the bed and prepared to lay down on her side of the bed (my side). D grab her collar drag her down and make her lay down in the bed.... and repeat. After about 10 times of this, D would relax as Megan was laying down for a moment. Lights off - Megan back up on the bed. Drag back down - make her lay down... say a prayer that she'd stay down. This was quite the process... the sad part is that after the first night it did get better, but still required the reinforcement of the laying in the dog bed. So our romantic interludes have been well interspersed with dog training. Apparently having 4 dogs makes this whole ttc thing quite comical. Chance in the kennel... Megan and Ernie in the dog bed and Lola under the covers at the foot of the bed with a preseed cap to keep her occupied (she loves preseed caps actually she loves anything plastic).

So that's what the last few nights have had occupying our time.

D and I were talking and I asked if he knew how long it was that we'd been trying... and he goes nope, but it's been a while. Total time since we started trying - 21 months. Total number of pregnancies (chemical, miscarriage, and ectopic) 10. Total number of months we didn't try in that 21 month period - 6. Our average is just shy of 50% if you include total months... and like 75% if you take into acccount the months we were on a rest or pregnant and waiting to find out if it was going tits up. That's freakish. Plain and simple. We're a bunch of freaks. D just looked at me and goes - on the one hand it doesn't seem that long because we haven't made this into a chore... on the other hand hearing the number of months makes me go - geez has it been that long then slowly realize yep it's been that long. I know I've got back up plans, but still it'd be nice for once not to need the back up plan.

Here's hoping this month will be the month that I can finally throw my back up plans out the window. Wouldn't that be nice?

Pillow Top Mattress

I'm a pillow whore... I love pillows. My bed usually has a ton of pillows on them.

Today when I went to the RE's office I was hoping that we'd find a pillow top mattress (uterine lining) with at least 2-3 pillows on top.

Well... what we got was a pillow top mattress - endometrial lining was 10.2. I have never had 10.2. 10.2 is something that hasn't happened in all our cycles so I assume the estrace is working which is a good thing. I will be taking the estrace until a pregnancy test so we shall see kind of thing.

The pillow top was missing something... it only had one lonely little follicle on my left ovary that measured about 16.5. On the right ovary I think I had two other follicles she measured but they were only 8-9 so my left ovary sucked up the gonal-f. I think that I do better if you start at a lower stim than a higher stim so if we are a bust this next cycle we'll do that because both cycles we've started me at this higher dose I've managed 1 follicle rather than 2-3. I'm not being pessimistic, just remembering that things don't always go well for us. I'm hoping that the lining issue means we've reached a hurdle and that we'll manage to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I just have to have a plan for the what if's. What if this cycle is a bust? What if we have a chemical pregnancy? What if... it's better to know what you'll do than to wait until you have to know what you'll do. At least that's the case in my world.

I prefer to think of it as warding off evil spirits. Trigger is tomorrow. Then we wait.

Conversations and a Rant

Lets get the rant out of the way first... I hate hate hate hate hate hate that D is working days. I hate this for purely selfish reasons... his working days is messing with my sleep cycle. Currently it is 10:48 a.m. and I'm awake. I have to work tonight - this is not good... Not good at all. I have to work the next 4 nights which again today is day 1. This blows... seriously. The dogs are confused, my body is confused... I hate that he's working days.

Okay rant over... on to the conversations part...

This would be a transcript of recent phone conversations with my mother and D's response to these conversations.

S - We have to pay x money to the RE before we can get an appt?
Mom - Are you going to pay it? I can get money out...
S - it's already paid and no you don't need to help.
Mom - well if this crap keeps up I'll never have a grandchild.

D's response to hearing of this conversation... it's not for lack of effort on our part... Oh wait well maybe last month lacked effort, but all the other months I've had effort.

*edited to add - we actually found this particular conversation hillarious and D's response to me on the telling of the conversation was very funny because now he's openly admitting that that whole switch to days really messed him up last month. I wasn't offended by it and in fact know my mom would move heaven and earth if she could to make this easier for us as I'm pretty sure she figures it's her genes that have caused this snafu so to speak -though there is no proof of that. *

Mom - I signed a contract to have the roof done.
S - that's great
Mom - Do you think D will be mad? Do you think he'll think that's okay?
S - he'll think that's great
Mom - Are you sure? Can you ask him?
S- He won't care he'll just be happy that he doesn't have to fix the roof.
Mom - Oh - goodbye I have to get ready for church.

D's response - that's great why does she think I'll be mad again? S- no clue... she wants your approval though - can you call her?

This morning 5:40 a.m. phone call from my mom...

Mom - Did you ask him?
S- how about you talk to him...
Imagine grouchy husband not thrilled about being handed the phone at 5:40 a.m. when he hasn't even had his coffee yet.

Mom - no idea what she says as D has the phone
D- I haven't even had my damn coffee yet... I'll be leaving for work in about 40 minutes... yes that's great that you got the contract for the roof and it's gauranteed. Yes, I'll help with fixing the ceiling... no I don't know when, but I'll get it done. I promise. Now would you please focus on driving and get yourself safely to work... love you too.

You have to understand something... My mom adores D. She loves him as much as she loves me. D and her get along very well... in spite of my mom's zany quirks D is able to navigate and defuse any bombs she might have lingering around. D is fondly called "you asshole" and my mom is called "the crazy lady" in front of her and neither is offended. I always dreamed that the person I married would get along with my mom... I never realized how much pressure that takes off of me by having it true. Our relationship is enhanced by the fact that she gets along with D... D cares about my mom and worries about her. Fears that she'll be taken advantage of by a brother of mine that I refer to as the jackass. D loves my mom's craziness and zany quirks... he's just not thrilled with her 5:40 a.m. phone calls. I need to remind her to start calling D's phone rather than mine :D

Coffee Shop?

I'm fairly open about our reproductive issues... why bother hiding it and it also tends to shut people up when they ask "So when are you two going to have a baby?" I always love the shock factor and well saying - we're habitual aborters and we'll have a child when the stars align and my uterus is a warm an inviting place - definitely is a shock factor.

Anyways the point is that I ran into someone I know at the RE's office yesterday. I knew that they were having difficulties from a mutual friend, however I didn't know to what extent etc... it was a weird, uncomfortable moment when they looked up and said my name... weird as in how do you handle that one? We talked for a bit and I wished them luck. I hope I handled it right. I just don't know.

It's simpler when it's a woman that's the friend... this was a guy that I've known for about 8 years... and I have a lot of respect for him and don't want to butt into his business... I'd like to give him support, but it's weird, it's just not a smooth transition.

Example of a different friend... she and I used to work together... both of us go to the same clinic. She and I talked about everything when we saw each other on Friday. It was comfortable, no embarrassment, no awkwardness. She told me what her plans for the upcoming cycle was and I told her mine...

Infertility is hard... and you can't pretend that you ran into someone in a coffee shop when it's the RE's office... wouldn't that be nice. If only they installed a coffee bar and bookstore at the RE's office... then I could pretend.

Change In Plans and Question?

We were supposed to be gone for a few days to the other side of the state... the purpose - to get Megan fixed and to visit family. Plans have changed... One of D's coworkers is ill so he has picked up an extra shift to help out.

D also felt bad as he was supposed to also set up my screening u/s for this morning when he paid the "bill". He didn't realize this until Saturday night when he told me. Not to worry - the RE's office though a bit irked at my 3rd party administrator they were able to fit me in for my scan.

So the protocol for this cycle... since my lining has been an issue and seriously my estradiol results have been pretty puny they have decided to try estrace in addition to the gonal-f... can't hurt. If you can picture me shrugging you'd be about right. We shall see what next Monday brings kind of thing. In the meantime I will be shooting up at 150 for the next 7 days. Fun fun fun... I start the estrace on Thursday - up the cooter so to speak. On the bright side - the estrace is blue... so this should be interesting.

Oh yes and not to be left out the 3rd party... spoke with them today. Informed them of how much I've paid... and she goes "You've paid too much." DUH!!!! Hello??? I was civil. I responded I know - however YOU haven't paid the RE and the RE would not allow me to schedule another appt until I paid the RE. So he's paid... now send me my money. We paid off our "tab" at the RE's office and then faxed the receipts for that to the 3rd party. I anticipate a check from them in oh... 2007. Actually about a week... hopefully sooner. I think they don't like dealing with me, though the chick on the phone answered like we were old friends even pronouncing my name correctly. D started laughing. After the call - he goes - it was like she knew you. Ya think? I've only talked with her at least once a week since August. Nincompoops!

On to the question... if everyone isn't bored already here goes.

Imagine this conversation - on your way home from the RE's office.

D- Look at the geese.
S- When geese fly south where exactly do they go?
D - I don't know... they just go south. You need to blog about this...
S - don't worry I will... take it you don't know?
D- Ask Dr. Google...

So - I did indeed ask Dr. Google who truthfully was not as informative as I hoped... I imagined that maybe there'd be a specific state that the geese of my state would go to... Nope... they just go South. No special place that they all congregate to spend their winters... I was very disappointed. However I have done my duty and blogged about it to satisfy my husband. In retrospect that conversation was definitely funnier during it than reading about it. I guess you had to be there... we were both pretty slap happy.

Off to take my gonal-f - I think I'll have to find a suitable chaser for that - something alcoholic in nature maybe? Suggestions?

A Decision Has Been Reached

I did the math... I hate math.

However the math didn't lie... If we were to go au natural this cycle if we didn't end up pregnant or had another chemical we would not have enough time to take advantage of the RE's office to bill our insurance. I'm not looking forward to paying up front then waiting to be reimbursed... (I'm dealing with that with the 3rd party assholes so why would I want to deal with both the 3rd party assholes and my insurance company?) Easy choice once you put it in that light... Or at least it was for D and I...

We will be going forward with this cycle with meds - whatever meds I'm not totally sure of... it'll either be a pure gonal-f, femara/gonal-f, or femara alone... I'm leaning towards femara/gonal-f personally. I figure it can't hurt right? Though I do have about 1800 of gonal - f sitting in my fridge... So we shall see what Dr. Smartypants wants to do...

In the meantime I'm trying to gather all the crap I need to argue on the phone come Monday morning. I can be pleasant right? I believe the words - what day will the check be mailed out come to mind.

D already took the liberty of asking the RE's office to print out a tallyied bill as well as to show when we've made payments etc. This way we can fax that on Monday morning to the incompetent 3rd party. What a bunch of nincompoops...

Off to clean, shop, etc

3rd Party Administrators SUCK

I believe I've mentioned before that D's new insurance leaves a lot to be desired? No??? Surely you jest... I know I have at some point mentioned it.

Anyways yesterday during a break for the class I was teaching I made the call to the RE's office to schedule a "screening u/s". I was told I had to speak with billing before doing so... great just great. I apparently had to pay x dollars before I could schedule an appt... x dollars about sent me through the roof... see I'm fine with paying 20% I'm even fine with paying our deductible which is 250... I'm not fine with paying x dollars as it's more than 20% and it's definitely above and beyond my deductible... I about started crying. (Those that know me in real life know that tears mean war)

A frantic phone call to D - while still on break as I didn't have my credit card and couldn't run to get it while teaching the class and of course the class wouldn't be done until late in the day so the office would be closed when I finally could get to my credit card - led to D having his jaw hit the steering wheel while at work and for him to also start cursing. It was nice to have someone else be as irritated as I was.

Now my loving husband has never really had to deal with insurance issues... This was a first for him. He needed to talk to the insurance person at work and find out EXACTLY what percent was covered... and also to find out from the RE's office exactly what the freaky people at the 3rd party payor paid and covered etc etc. Can I just say that the 3rd party sucks. Seriously... they suck.

Last week I had to have D fax a check that we had paid the RE's with so that they could refund us 80% of the check... I have yet to receive the check. I had D fax bills that the RE's office sent to them that they have yet to pay. Seriously - what kind of business are they running. I am thoroughly irritated, frustrated etc. I want to choke the chick at the 3rd party that I talked to the other day and who I will be probably be talking to on Monday. Give me an f'ing break - DO YOUR JOB! Don't make me do your job... because believe me I can get uglier.

So... then I found out that the x amount I told D had jumped up as the RE's office had just finished opening the mail when D called and x had turned into xx. We were allowed to pay x, and xx - x has to be paid by Nov 2. D scheduled my u/s... I started hyperventilating. Thank goodness my class was over and on the way home I thought... I know we can pay this... that's not the point. The point is we SHOULD NOT HAVE TO.

D apparently talked to the insurance HR person at his work and she said... you should have seen what I had to do when I was going through cancer treatments... D's jaw dropped and said "Then why the hell does this company keep this 3rd party system?" Because the place he works at is great for some things, but not so great in this area... they are afraid of change. They were told that this whole 3rd party system meant that the insurance while good was cheaper than if they did it another way. D's former employer had similar insurance but without the 3rd party... and if they could do that and stay afloat then I don't see how the heck his current employer who gets the insurance from the same place as the old employer can even think this is reasonable. D says it's because they're lazy - they don't want to go through the effort to find a new insurance... I told D - I'll do the research for them if that's the case... ask them who do I call for them. I'll do it for FREE... just so I don't have to deal with this 3rd party crap ever again.

I know I could find them a deal - probably with the same league that they're using now... but I doubt that D will a) offer me up and b) even if he did that they'd take him up on the offer...

So for now... I am torn - do I pay xx and go on with this cycle (I assume af will be here on Monday which is when that u/s is scheduled) or do I say screw that and cancel the appt take this month off of meds and just do PIO after ovulation... but wait here's the deal. I've met my deductible so now that whole 3rd party... doesn't count anymore - it just goes straight from the insurance company to my RE's office rather than through the whole other system... and Dec 1 is looming when the RE's office will no longer participate with my insurance. Decisions decisions... I have tonight to make my decision. D is of the "we'll do whatever you want to do" position.

*I just want to add I'm all about affordable healthcare... I am not all about this 3rd party system that means our EOB's go to the 3rd party and then they eventually pay them. The EOB's they never come to me... unless I call and ask for them. I've had to circumvent the system and go online - sign up for the EOB's online - download them then unsign up for the EOB's... our insurance company thinks our address and phone number is the 3rd party rather than our own address. *

On to Cycle 19, 20 whatever...

I did the beta... It was negative.

I was not surprised by these results... it kind of helps if you actually attempt to procreate on the days that the doctor tells you. With D's switch to the day shift my husband who is normally - kind, sweet, horny became a whiny, pouty, assexual creature... I didn't recognize him. Seriously and I don't think I've ever been as ticked off at him as I was the day I told him we HAD to have sex and he said "I'm too tired." It was bound to happen in 19-20 months of trying this is the ONLY time that has happened. He was shocked by his response - a week later of course. He's been trying to make it up to me as well...

So we will get the proverbial show going shortly... and for one specific friend actually I think there were two of you out there that wondered if I always walked around with HCG in my system the answer is no. The results today were <1... can't we just put 0 on there and call it good?

I'm not sure if we'll be doing an injectable cycle, an injectable and femara cycle or a straight femara cycle... we shall see. I'll know more this weekend sometime I assume.

Dodged a bullet...

That's certainly how it felt when I read the message on a bulletin board...

No blockages...

That's a great thing... what that doesn't give us is an answer as to why my friend had a heart attack at a young age... what that means is off with the bcp's that she had started and that she's probably quite a bit freaked... I don't blame her. I would be too.

But... right now I feel as if we dodged a bullet. My friend is here. She'll be able to hug her son tonight when she goes to bed... give her husband a kiss as well... and those are beautiful things. It reminds me that there are worse things in life other than not having a baby... it would suck to not have that friend. That doesn't mean I don't want a baby because hello... Of course I want a baby... but I would never want a baby more than I want my friend and her family to stay whole.

As if drama wasn't the cup of the day at the casa del quatro canine's... another friend is apparently on the preeclamptic breech baby watch fest... Don't these people know that I have enough crap to do during the end of my two week wait that seriously fretting about them is just going to cause my GERD to flare up. So bloodtests await... hopefully flipping occurs (on the butterball's own rather than with the help of medical intervention) and hopefully the pressures come down... Until then I have the quatro canines with their paws crossed and looking angelic... for both my friends because these are great ladies and I'd like a) answers for one and b) some gestational positivity for the other one...

I so don't make sense when I've been up working all night with children... This is of course the end result...

Prayers Needed For a Friend

I know I normally don't ask for something like this, but this is a special situation... one of my online buddy group buddies has apparently had a heart attack. She's doing fine, but prayers are needed for my friend... prayers, wishes, hope etc. She's got a 9 month old and a loving husband. She's a great friend, a great mom, a great nurse. The ironic thing is that she's young... she's barely 30 and in the last 6-8 months she's done a complete dietary change to the healthy side... she's dropped 50 lbs, gained muscle, endurance etc... and now this. I'm a bit shocked by the news. It's definitely made me put down the cookie.

So if you could... I'd appreciate if you send up a prayer for my friend. She's a great gal. I know you guys would like her if you knew her.

A Postage Stamp

"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there."
– Josh Billings

Maybe I'm a postage stamp and I just never knew it... I think it sums up the last 19 months don't you? I like that analogy more so than the one where I'm furiously banging my head against a wall over and over and over again.

I think my husband would probably refer to me as a dachshund that is searching for food... they never give up if they smell it. Or at least mine don't.

Did anyone else watch the Today show when they had the segment on surrogacy? I cried. The entire time. I also was so overwhelmed by the thought of that nurse offering herself up as a surrogate. A friend of ours has offered to do this, but I think in Michigan surrogacy is well... not legal or at least all the information I've found online says it isn't. I'm just not there yet either in my thoughts or feelings about it to say - lets try that. Besides what if it's just me and my crappy eggs as the problem rather than me and my crappy motel mattress uterus? Then surrogacy wouldn't fix it. You can read Meredith's blog about this subject here I also learned that she suffered from RPL as well... so that makes her one of us. I for one have always liked her when I watched her so I'm glad to see that she's bringing infertility and pregnancy loss to the morning show. I think this is one way to have our voices be heard and in a positive light.

Today is October 15th a day to remember Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance day I know that I do not need a special day to remember my losses, but it's nice to know that there is a day set aside for just that.

The Whole Family

This picture so far is as good as it gets... getting everyone to sit next to one another only happens when we are in bed. By the way I'm not changing the blog name in spite of the number of dogs in our household having changed. I would like to figure out how to cross out the 3 and put a 4 there but I doubt I'm that html literate to figure that one out.

All four are finally starting to play with one another. Lola has gotten her nose back in place and apparently realized we have more than enough love for her and her siblings... and that Megan wasn't going anywhere that she was staying for the long haul.

Having four dogs I think makes this a pack of dogs. Fortunately they usually are not wild and they love to sleep. I currently have three dogs in bed with me. Chance cannot sleep in the bed because when under the covers and he cannot see who steps on him he lashes out... after being nipped a few times D has banned him from the bed unless you are awake and can watch out for someone stepping on Chance. Chance I think prefers his kennel due to the privacy factor - it's the only time he can be alone. Otherwise he's got Lola in there with him when we go any place.

The Something In The Works

I didn't realize I would cause that much of a stir with the something in the works... So I shall give the background so you know how this came to be.

Thursday night last week I received an email from a list I'm on about weims. No biggie - generally I scan the digest and read what I need to know, look at the pics etc. A plea for help was one of the emails... I read the email, showed D the email and we both looked at each other and he said maybe we can help this woman.

The plea was for a home for one of 10 dogs. All I knew was that their owner had to find homes for her dogs and that she lived in my state and conveniently we would be on the side of the state that the dogs were being kept on Sunday. I contacted the person who sent out the email, got the owner's number and tried to call.

It took us until Saturday to get a hold of one another... the dog that we had been interested in had been adopted, but there were others to chose from and we decided (D and I) that we would go, see if any of the dogs felt right for our family and go from there. Keeping an open mind that we might not be coming home with a dog, but open to the possibility if that were the case.

After speaking with the owner who was also a breeder and a shower of weims I felt as if we had to at least go and see if it might be possible for us to help her out. She had become ill in January or February and almost died from sepsis... (a potentially lethal infection) hers was systemic and she was hospitalized for quite a long time. She lost her home and had to ask friends to take in her dogs and she could only keep 3 of her 13 dogs. The only reason why she was keeping the 3 was due to their ages. They were far too old to try and have them adjust to a new home... This woman loved each and every one of her dogs. She cried on the phone... I cried on the phone. The thought of having to give away any of my puppy dogs breaks my heart. These are members of my family... it would be awful.

D after hearing the story - said we have to see if we can find at least one that would work. I raised my eyebrows at least one? His words were "If we had a ton of money - I'd just give her money so she could keep her dogs and not have to give them away... instead we're going to help her to find a good home for at least one of her dogs." Okay...

Sunday came and we were off after D got out of work. Car fully loaded with 3 dogs, our clothes, some food, etc. We arrived at 8 pm. We were choosing between two of the dogs... One was 2.5 years old and the other was 7 years old.... one was not spayed, one was spayed. Both dogs would have been wonderful to have... I couldn't make the decision as to which dog to go with... I made D do it. I couldn't. I would take both of them home... forget infertility meds... I'd make it work. D the voice of reason - made the decision after the older dog went after Lola during the meeting.

Megan is our newest addition to the family. She's 2.5 years old, grey in color, and 45 lbs. She's a gentle, sweet, loving dog... who now hates cats due to D's old cat who put a whooping on poor Megan. She's slowly adjusting to life with us. We're adjusting as well. It's going well so far.

Megan still needs to go to obedience class, but other than that she's very well behaved. She's a bit food aggressive and a sneaky little buggar. Ultimately Megan has made our brood a bit bigger, but we don't regret it. Not even for a second.... and that is a good thing.

Will Be Away

As the title says... we will be away for a few days. Apparently my mom has disconnected the internet (in her words - I don't use it so why keep paying for it) she of course also pointed out that she doesn't even know how to connect. Which all of these things is true. So I will be internet less for a few days. Most likely till Tuesday night/Wednesday day. I'm not sure when we'll be leaving to come back exactly.

We also have something in the works...but I don't know if it will happen or if we will pass on the opportunity. We will decide tonight after a meeting. It should be interesting.

This cycle - if it happens great, if not that's fine to. We normally have our bases covered very well. The move to days has really screwed up my normally happy go lucky, nice, horny husband. Instead I have a bitchy, non horny husband who is seriously hating life. I know this will pass which is why when I got all pissed off yesterday by the end of the day I was fine. We didn't cover our bases as much as I would have liked or even as much as the doctor would have liked, but it's okay. One lone follicle doesn't necessarily mean a thing - it could still work. We're just not that hopeful about it. I'm almost tempted to not even do the pio, but then I know I'd hate myself if I didn't and we ended up with a positive. So we'll start the pio. I'll call in a favor and go with a beta because then I can stop the pio early and life is grand.

I already told D that come next month he's on the list... I will put a sign above the bed that says MUST HAVE SEX WITH WIFE and if he doesn't comply he's sleeping in the spare bedroom. I also told him if O day happened when both of us were working someone was calling in sick... and it won't be me. He's in agreement. He's apologized for his behavior the last few days... (a whiny pain in the ass) and is genuinely sorry. A part of him is tired of all the doctors appt's (he hasn't had to go to one but he tags along) and just the stress of trying. I think it's just a combination of things... adjusting to living together full time, adjusting to the new jobs, adjusting to now the new time of work... all has been too much for my guy. I know he'll adjust... it's just right now he's kicking and screaming like a two year old who has just been told NO they can't go to McDonald's. I also know that this too shall pass.

So hopefully the terrible two's (or terrible day shifts) will pass quickly. I pray they pass quickly. I'll be back Tuesday/Wednesday.

6:45 a.m.

Anyways - the title... the reason for the line "You've got to be fucking kidding me?" Is because I apparently am the neighbor of idiots. Idiots that think target shooting at 6:45 a.m. is appropriate. That 6:45 a.m. wake up call was gunfire for me. Seriously... Oh wait no it wasn't the gunfire that woke me up it was the 3 dogs that were pissed off at the gunfire that woke me up.

Have I mentioned I'm NOT a morning person? No???? Well I'm not. Right now I'm irritable, sleep deprived, and my only solution to all this is to have some retail therapy. No clue where I'll be shopping as it's too freaking early for anything to be open, however if I stay here much longer the dogs barking will cause a migraine and then I'll have to create some havoc with the neighbors... and truthfully I don't want to have to call my husband and say uhmm D can you come bail my ass out of jail... I just assaulted the neighbors with their own weapons.

Oh yes and cycle chances - slim to none with having only attempted procreation on the day before ovulation and the well day after... I know we were supposed to dtd on ovulation day - however we apparently felt sleep was more important. Priorities people... priorities. It's a good thing I didn't have an IUI. This whole days thing (D's working days for the first time in like 7 years) not good... not good for my mood... not good for D's mood... not good for our life in general. Man I hate that he's the lowest man on the freaking totem pole - generally that means night shifts which is fine but not in the city he works in... No one wants days and so D gets to work days until January -then back to nights until March or April then back to days. Talk about a suckfest.

Returning you to your regularly scheduled program... and if you're my neighbors and reading this - go to a freaking shooting range - not in my back yard.

Tired...

The u/s well... it wasn't fabulous... I have one lonely follicle. I know I know - it only takes one... but when you're considering this your last hurrah for a bit it's pretty depressing. I did however throw caution to the wind and ask about oral ovulation induction - not clo*mid but the other - which a new study found that that one that threw everyone in a tailspin was false... and also about the four treatments for recurrent miscarriage study that used folic acid, progesterone, prednisone, and baby aspirin. I had nurse bright eyes who I like as a person and she's going to ask the good doctor tomorrow about these things.

D is of the opinion throw in the towel and try on our own with of course progesterone after ovulation. Since that's our only current working diagnosis one would think that would probably work and maybe it would, but I hate throwing in the towel. D feels this way due to financial reasons... I feel this way because well heck I'm a pain in the ass and we all know it and I am so tired of seeing a positive that then turns into a beta of 4-8 that I just want things to work out for once.

I worked the other night in the IMC - intermediate care nursery for NICU... I had been floated. I spent a night surrounded literally by babies... babies that needed to be held, fed, and changed. There was one baby that was the child of a fellow infertile.. I know this because in caring for these kids we find out all the details of the pregnancy etc. Gravida x, para x... and in this case IVF was on there. I was changing the baby's clothes and had to go into a drawer and I found a book... a book that I have, that brings tears to my eyes whenever I read it or even think of it... God Gave Us You. It's a beautiful book and not that other parents don't feel the same way, but with infertility I think that there are many prayers that are answered when a child is brought into this world and it's just complicated my feelings about all of this. I read the book to the baby during the feeding. I cried the whole time, and then I talked to the baby and told it that it was so very wanted... and that their mom would be really thrilled if the baby would go for the boob at least a little bit, but if not then the baby needed to take all of the bottle for the momma so that the baby could get the heck out of the IMC and into the parent's arms.

Later on that night I was asked if I had kids. I hate that question... and I responded with "We have three lovely dogs and we have not been blessed with any human children yet." Eventually it came around talking about infertility etc and I dislcosed habitual aborter as my diagnosis. I hate the look that comes over people - it's of pity. There are many things in life I need... better prescription coverage... unlimited financial resources... more dogs? etc but pity just isn't on my list of things I need, want or desire.

A few nights prior I was asked by two coworkers (they're both of similar age as I am, both married and both are thinking of trying to conceive soon) and they wanted details... reasons, explanations... etc. I'm fine with being out of the closet, but sometimes I just want to go hide in the closet for a while... forget that my reproductive life is literally f'd up and just pretend to be normal. But I can't... because we're not normal. We have issues and I guess if this means that one more person knows our condition then so be it... sometimes I just wish I didn't have to be the one to educate, advocate, etc or even defend my position. I also wish that hearing my story didn't put abject horror and fear on their faces. I hate breaking other people's innocence.

So now I'm rambling... shortly we will be in the two week wait. You may vote for a beta or hpt - let me know what you think. Me - I'm ambivalent. I just feel spent... that emotionally I'm about bankrupt. I feel this way because all I'm doing is fretting about the what if's... the what if I get D to go for another cycle of injectables... where do I get the money? Where do I buy the drugs? The reason for the push is that come December 1st my RE will no longer be billing my insurance. I'll have to pay out of pocket for my u/s and E2 levels then get reimbursed eventually by my insurance company. I know others have to do this, but for us this will seriously put a crimp in our finances. Remember D took a cut in pay to finally live in our home rather than live with my mother and so it just feels like we get one good thing and two bad things.

Don't Oversleep

As the title suggests these were the words D uttered to me this morning when I called to let him know I was going home, taking a nap then going to my appt for a follicle scan. I didn't even register that he said them. Today was his first day on days in about 10 years - so he wasn't going to be home to make sure I didn't oversleep. (He's not thrilled about this daytime crap his words) I came home, set the alarm went to sleep with 3 puppy dogs that were angelic.

Alarm went off... I reset it thinking 15 minutes more would be great... and then awoke to the phone ringing at 4:15 pm. My appointment was at 3:15 pm. So I overslept.

i haven't overslept for anything in a long time... the only other recent time was when again someone either D or my mother said "Don't oversleep." I told D when I called to let him know I overslept that it was his fault... he uttered the words. The words that are like the kiss of death for me. When my mind hears them my mind goes - sleep yes we will... and we won't get up to save our lives.

Now the odd thing about all this is that I had 3 puppy dogs in the bedroom with me. They get up at 2:00 pm without fail - with irritating notice. I was planning on breaking them of this nasty habit that they learned from D - however I figured it would take a little while. It didn't as they were curled up next to me when the phone rang. I don't think the problem is the dog's inner alarm clock it's D's.

So - new follicle scan in the morning... I'm getting up when D goes to work and heading out at the same time. I'll wait in the parking lot for my turn... but darnit I'm not going to oversleep.